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00:00Tosh.0 features videos from the internet and is intended for a mature audience.
00:04Comedy Central does not condone the activities performed and discourages anyone from attempting them.
00:09Enjoy!
00:30Let that be a lesson to all you idiots out there.
00:41No matter what, never turn your cameras off.
00:44Welcome to the season finale of Tosh.0.
00:46It's the most monochrome sexual time of the year.
00:53Who's looking cheery and cherry?
00:55Tonight, I fail my yearly performance review with flying colors.
00:59I aggressively force the Christmas spirit on you heathens.
01:03And back by popular demand, it's the final Aussie video of the wiki.
01:07Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to join you in the oys.
01:10Oy, oy, oy, oy.
01:12Oh, shit.
01:14Now, I'd rather wreck a Ford than watch Ford vs. Ferrari.
01:1990% of injuries and rollover accidents come from getting peppered with loose change.
01:30I lost a friend in high school to Nichols.
01:33R.I.P.
01:34Ronnie.
01:34Kind of feels like this whole thing was just a ploy to sit on your buddy's lap.
01:42Keep the camera rolling when you guys start butt-mudding.
01:45What you do with the selfie stick is between you two consenting adults
01:49and that guy in the back choking himself with a seatbelt.
01:55Is that a Publix receipt?
01:57I knew this reeked of Florida.
02:00Can we zoom in on that?
02:01Enhance.
02:02Enhance.
02:03Enhance.
02:04Enhance.
02:06Enhance.
02:07Enhance.
02:07That's too much.
02:10Dehance.
02:11He exchanged a 44-ounce bottle of Heinz ketchup
02:17for a 20-ounce bottle of Heinz ketchup at the same price?
02:20The guy's an even bigger moron than I feared.
02:23All right.
02:24This next athlete might need an extra recovery boost at the juice bar.
02:30Know your limits.
02:32Listen to your body.
02:37You got this.
02:38One more.
02:39Lock your legs.
02:41Oh, you thought he was going to be on my show because he had impeccable form?
02:47This could have been avoided if he just had nine more spotters,
02:52seven more knee braces.
02:56Elizabeth Warren's health care plan would even cover this brittle mother
03:00Now I can relate.
03:02I've been shouldering the weight of this network for years,
03:05and I'll tell you what, everyone has a breaking point.
03:08We'll be right back with more Tosh.0.
03:11Uh, hey, I have a few last-minute script changes, pages 1 through 30.
03:14That's fine.
03:14Will the Viacom-CBS merger affect the show?
03:16Don't worry, I will handle it.
03:17Will you read my pilot?
03:18I will, but not right now.
03:20The network's looking for a new long-term digital strategy.
03:22On it.
03:23Will you host my friend's charity show for free?
03:24Yep.
03:25Will you read my pilot?
03:25No.
03:26Should you put out a statement about Esquire's assertion that you're too white to be the face of Comedy Central in 2019?
03:30Will you read my pilot?
03:32Yes.
03:32Ah!
03:33Are you happy?
03:37Your Hollywood parasites broke me.
03:40It was a metaphor, you dummies.
03:42Okay, my problem with praise bands is they always beat you over the head with their faith.
03:58The church only likes little drummer boys.
04:02Do they have health insurance?
04:04I know they have hush money.
04:09Even God hates Christian rock.
04:12Shit's weak.
04:14Play that new Tool album.
04:16You'd think people who worship a carpenter would be able to locate a stud.
04:21At the very least, use some drywall anchors or put those command strips to the test.
04:27Ta-da!
04:28Ta-da!
04:29Ta-da!
04:29Moving on.
04:31The winter tour de France is way more watchable.
04:34This reminds me, tickets to the Tosh Point show in the snow are on sale now.
04:43What you're hoping will happen, will happen.
04:48On your left, someone forgot to use their hand blinker.
04:53There's literally no stopping this now.
04:58It goes on for another 45 minutes.
05:01I wouldn't mind being stuck under an avalanche of sexy European cyclists.
05:08Tell that St. Bernard he can take his time.
05:10Is this the sequel to the best BMX movie of all time, Rad 2, Hell Track freezes over?
05:18It's wheelie cold.
05:22Another one.
05:23Another one.
05:24DJ Khaled, you don't get producer credit on my show for saying two words.
05:29Another one.
05:29All right, who has nine friends?
05:35Now, let's watch the all-male reboot of Ocean's 8 in this week's breakdown.
05:42Welcome to Carter's Country Guns and Ammo in Beverly Hills.
05:46I mean, Houston.
05:47Houston, where the Astros roster was just a couple sex offenders shy of winning the World Series.
05:56You'd think a gun store would have more security than a Zales.
06:01Looks like they're getting a head start on the Black Friday doorbuster deals.
06:05Or this is Obama and his friends finally coming to take our guns.
06:09If you Google Houston gun store robbery, they're a bunch of different results.
06:15Yeah, it's a cool city.
06:17These guys seem to have a plan so we can rule out the Houston Rockets.
06:22You can't carry multiple rifles without looking like a 12-year-old equipment manager of a lacrosse team.
06:28They were considered enough to bring their own reusable Whole Foods bags.
06:33These must be the good guys with guns we keep hearing about.
06:36I'm sure they'll register them at home online.
06:39Now, if you want to relocate your family and risk your life,
06:41Houston police will pay you $5,000 to rat out the most heavily armed gang in Texas.
06:47And for that, we thank you.
06:50But first, I don't think you stay tight.
06:53You ready, Danny?
06:53Yeah.
06:54Just stay tight.
06:55Am I stopping him?
06:56Nope.
06:56Stay tight, Danny.
06:57Nope.
06:57Stay tight, Danny.
06:58Nope.
06:58Stay tight.
06:59He's got it.
07:01Damn it.
07:05He'll probably trade the first pick for Dante Colepooper
07:08and a pack-a-pock-a-pick-a-pock-a.
07:10Let's see why you shouldn't can get...
07:13Up, up, and okay.
07:17I don't like that one.
07:18Up, up, and okay.
07:19Oh, no.
07:20Oh, you know what I nuked him?
07:23They're always early on that nuke button.
07:24God damn it, I hate it.
07:25He just blew his chance at 600 bucks
07:27and a free night at the Culver City, Culver City,
07:30never-before-seen footage of Saksquatch.
07:35Saks, Saksquash?
07:37Saksquash.
07:38Saksquash.
07:40Those were deep fakes.
07:42I haven't flubbed a line since the pilot.
07:44Now, before 2019 gets canceled,
07:47I'm gonna do what I do best
07:48and finish prematurely
07:49with my classic 11 twelfths of the year in review.
07:53Trump got busted booty calling Ukraine
07:55and his boyfriend, Bob Kraft, got busted busting.
07:59Justin Trudeau proved that black people do live in Canada.
08:02A kid named Greta fought against hot girl Summers
08:05and Robert Mueller's book report got an F.
08:08Luke Perry moved to a new zip code.
08:10We lost Nipsey because the paramedics didn't hustle.
08:13Kanye's career died when he found Jesus.
08:16And Arizona State baseball legend Brody Stevens
08:19is yelling about his color headshots in heaven.
08:22Oh, a bunch of vapors and a pedophile raper died too.
08:25Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself.
08:28Everybody's girlfriend forced him to watch Fleabag
08:30and everybody with imaginary girlfriends
08:32whined about how the incest dragon show ended.
08:36Jussie Smollett won best actor in a fictional hate crime.
08:39Aunt Becky will be joining the federal prison's crew team.
08:42And just when he thought Felicity Huffman
08:44and Lori Loughman were the worst parents,
08:45T.I. said, hold my cognac.
08:48U.S. women's soccer proved they deserve a bump up
08:51for minimum wage.
08:52The NBA pledged their allegiance
08:54to the People's Republic of China.
08:56And Prince Harry went black.
08:58And now he can never go back to the royal palace.
09:01Popeyes won up Chick-fil-A
09:02and invented a chicken sandwich
09:04that gay people are allowed to eat.
09:06Facebook radicalized your parents.
09:08The iPhone added three more cameras
09:10in Epstein's jail cell.
09:11James Franco taught an acting class
09:14using the Cosby method.
09:16Michael Jackson tainted his legacy
09:18by staring at boys' taints.
09:19And if Drake keeps texting Eleven,
09:21he might be the next R. Kelly.
09:23The wildfires solved California's homeless problem.
09:27The Amazon rainforest got a Brazilian.
09:29But the deadliest place on Earth
09:31is still the Santa Anita horse track.
09:33Personally, I had a great 2019.
09:36As you can see in this year's Web Reflection.
09:38Did I mention that Epstein didn't kill himself?
09:41Wake the up!
09:42Because it's Tosh Boy!
09:44F***ing O.T.
09:46This is the season of eating outfits.
09:51It's my homosexual.
09:53You're 11 when all shows find their voice.
09:57Are you white?
10:00Yes, I am.
10:01I thought you were Armenian.
10:02I don't know where that's coming from.
10:03You live in Los Angeles,
10:04and you look Armenian.
10:06Were you ever into comic books?
10:08Yes.
10:09No, you weren't.
10:10I baptized myself with bully horchata.
10:12In the name of Jesus Christ.
10:16Your body is beautiful
10:18after a protest party at my place.
10:20You have got to be kidding me!
10:23This is our
10:25potato skin dependence day
10:28for Idaho!
10:31What's your favorite energy drink of all time?
10:34That's a hard one.
10:35I'm sorry.
10:36I caught the bloody panties!
10:51From snake
10:52to pancake!
10:55Okay.
10:57I'm about two seconds away
10:59from knocking your ass out!
11:01Can I kick you in the head?
11:02Dude, yeah, of course.
11:04Yeah, there you go.
11:05That thing is awesome.
11:07Why does this table have three legs?
11:09I say,
11:09because two won't do!
11:11Nice tints, a bitch.
11:12You're not talking to my ex-wife that way.
11:14I'm talking to you, you fat s***.
11:18Great job, amigos.
11:20I love the accent wall.
11:21Oh!
11:23Good God almighty!
11:25He's got a steel chair!
11:26Oh, my God!
11:27Don't forget your mask, old jellyfish leg!
11:33Take that, you old ping-pong-playing bitch!
11:35Ping-pong-playing bitch!
11:39Good night, light.
11:40Good night, room.
11:43Jenny Craig!
11:45I was worried about you.
11:46It looked like you were huffing glue
11:47because you had the dark circles,
11:49but now sitting in front of you,
11:50you just look healthy as a horse.
11:52That's a f***ing blee-blee!
11:54Long neck!
11:55Oh, shake up!
11:58It stinks so bad like marijuana!
12:01Say, if you want to see your kid alive again,
12:03leave a half a million dollars in a briefcase.
12:06Who want to hear your kid alive again?
12:08Oh, my God!
12:10Shut the f*** up!
12:11You don't tell us to shut the f*** up!
12:13We're the cops!
12:16How do you make yourself sneeze?
12:18Use as tinkety powder stuff.
12:23Ah!
12:23Bless you.
12:33Your housekeeper cleans out your fleshlight in the dishwasher?
12:35She doesn't know what it is.
12:37Ah!
12:38Kitty, kitty.
12:39Oh, oh, oh.
12:41Puss, puss.
12:41My client is honest and unashamed that he eats ass.
12:49Mmm!
12:50I am so horny.
12:52Did you say you're a sexual person?
12:54Oh, f*** yeah, man.
12:55You ever been asked to pick up a bar of soap?
12:59You know what I'm talking about?
13:00That's prison talk.
13:01Oh, oh.
13:02Nope.
13:04This swim got a little too adult.
13:06At least we got our chowder in the socks down at the harbor with the wicked Matt Damon.
13:12Sam Adams, too.
13:14You know the drill.
13:19Oh, sugar cube.
13:20There you go.
13:23Get them all.
13:25We definitely have a contender today.
13:29World's creamiest dump.
13:36I didn't do anything, you old cow.
13:39I got some meat.
13:55Have you ever tasted one?
13:57I've put one in my mouth before.
13:59Did you bite down?
14:00A little bit.
14:07Tell me when.
14:09Just say when.
14:11You're sitting on a fire truck.
14:13My kid's around here somewhere.
14:15Jacob!
14:16Hey, who do you love more, Paul or Dale?
14:18I treat them my babies equal.
14:21Son just transferred to the school.
14:22Oh, which one is he?
14:23Ah, he's the one over there trying to rim himself.
14:26Attaboy!
14:27Enough drama.
14:28Give me a mama.
14:29If you wanted to bring a baby in here,
14:31lay him on this table, and circumcise him right now,
14:34you could do that.
14:35Well, guess what?
14:36You're in luck.
14:37Bring him out.
14:38Where do you stand on abortion?
14:40Um, I think I'm about it.
14:42That's the right answer, Steve.
14:47You look like he's having a seizure.
14:49You sippin' tea!
14:50You sippin' tea!
14:53Can I get a yeehaw?
14:54Yeehaw!
14:58Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Billy Nelson.
15:01Melon DeGeneres.
15:03I'm Daniel L. Jackson, motherfucker.
15:06Bullag.
15:07Ooh, ooh.
15:08Bullag!
15:09Bullag!
15:10Bullag!
15:11This whole office is full of idiots!
15:13If I can just add a couple laughs to your week,
15:16then I know it will have been worth it.
15:20I'm one big-ass baby.
15:22See you next year!
15:25Hard to believe I was ever so young and innocent.
15:27We'll be right back, but first,
15:28if a hot cup of McDonald's coffee doesn't ruin your pants,
15:31this will.
15:36Oh, my God.
15:38Oh!
15:40Shit, that makes...
15:41Shit, that'd make you pussy throb right there.
15:44I...
15:45I was...
15:46I swear to God.
15:47I was just about to say my pussy's throbbing.
15:49Wow!
15:50Today, we're at the mall in Amarillo, Texas, and we're going to tell the children here today
16:00the truth that there is no Santa Claus and that Christmas is about Jesus Christ.
16:07Folks, my name is Pastor David.
16:09Kids, I wanted to tell you today that there is no such thing as Santa Claus.
16:15Santa Claus does not exist.
16:17The man you're going to see today is just a man in a suit dressed up like Santa,
16:22but Santa does not exist.
16:25Santa's not real.
16:27As a man of faith, I can assure you that is exactly what Jesus would do.
16:32Meet Pastor David Grisham,
16:34a human sack of unholy shit
16:38from the godforsaken town of Amarillo, Texas.
16:41If preachers want to start poking holes in people's beliefs,
16:45Santa might have something to say about that.
16:47Listen, God, he wants you to prosper financially.
16:52Christmas has nothing to do with Jesus being born.
16:56It's just the Christian rebranding of a Roman holiday called Saturnalia
17:00that celebrates winter.
17:02How many kids have been assaulted?
17:05How many gay people have been shunned?
17:07How many indigenous people have been murdered in the name of your God?
17:11Ho, ho, ho!
17:13Merry Christmas!
17:15We thought about getting Tim Allen for that bit,
17:17but decided to go with the working comedian instead.
17:19Nuked him.
17:21The truth is, no one cares about the holidays more than me.
17:28I had my season in mid-November so I can spend the rest of the year curled up on the couch,
17:32watching Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel,
17:35not the Hallmark Movies and Mysteries Channel.
17:38There's a difference.
17:39Hallmark has two different channels.
17:41So what's the difference?
17:42When you think Hallmark Channel, think festive romantic comedies.
17:47And when you want dramatic stories and timeless holiday favorites,
17:50turn to Hallmark Movies and Mysteries.
17:53Now mark them all you want, but these movies get the highest ratings on all of television.
17:57I'd like to help them launch even more niche channels.
18:01Now Hallmark has even more channels to help you celebrate Christmas.
18:04Tired of movies about 40-something advertising executives looking for love during the holidays?
18:10Try Hallmark Barely Legal.
18:12And if you want Christmas cheer mixed with full penetration,
18:16then Hallmark Hardcore is the channel for you.
18:19You'll feel much better about your own life after seeing how homeless people handle the holidays on Hallmark Hobo.
18:25If you're one of those soulless pagans who likes Halloween better than Christmas,
18:30check out Hallmark Horror.
18:32There's always Hallmark Jew.
18:34Nothing magical.
18:35Just a nice, quiet Chinese dinner with friends.
18:38Jewish friends.
18:40If you want to watch Daddy Kissing Santa Claus,
18:43satisfy your curiosity with Hallmark Gay.
18:46And for those of you who like a little more tinsel on their tree,
18:49if you know what I mean, head over to Hallmark Really Gay.
18:52Okay, this one's extremely specific.
18:54It's the Hallmark pets who were killed by Coyote's channel.
18:57Hard to believe they made 40 original Christmas movies about that.
19:01Finally, make sure you keep those Kleenex handy for Hallmark Stillbirth.
19:04Jesus Christ.
19:05Hallmark Stillbirth?
19:07You're going to want to get him or her on Santa's lap quick.
19:10Candace Cameron is going to be the first Hallmark billionaire.
19:14We'll be right back with more of the Untitled TBD Project.
19:17Welcome back to the only TV show that will be yelling World Star at Trump's impeachment.
19:28Follow me on the four majors of social media.
19:30Come to see me in Reno, the biggest little city in the world.
19:32And Honolulu, the biggest city on a little island with a heart of gold.
19:36Mahalo.
19:37That slogan is not official yet.
19:40Shred your way to Bend, Oregon for this year's Tosh Point show in the snow.
19:45Tickets on sale now to see me and people you vaguely recognize from my show doing stand-up comedy.
19:51Also be performing in Sydney, Brisbane, and Melbourne.
19:54What can I tell you about Australia that I haven't told you already?
19:57Well, their national appetizer, the Bloomin' Onion, is a whopping 1,954 calories.
20:03But before I tour Down Under, I need to know where they stand on same-sex marriage.
20:09So let's find out in our last ever Tosh Point Oy Oy Oy Aussie video of the wiki.
20:14I mean, you know, people are entitled to their sexual proclivities.
20:19You know, I mean, let there be a thousand blossoms bloomed as far as I'm concerned.
20:25You know, but I ain't spending any time on it because in the meantime, every three months,
20:31a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in North Queensland.
20:35What a pivot!
20:38I'm considering cancelling my Australia tour until men are legally allowed to marry crocodiles.
20:44All right, your final free book is a novelization of the movie Frozen 2.
20:49Good night, happy holidays, and I'll see you in the roaring 2020s!
21:14langsam over 8 seconds on The Octopus List
21:18Now all the F undead school as advertisement is February 10, 2018.
21:21And there's aiß of the list, for illness that grim and cannot register.
21:25The Auto History is full of this would be a machining,
21:29but if we saw this, I would've luz of it and go up the same book.
21:31This might have the 했어요 as a single day before, saying that shit rises down really fast,
21:37because thatoo was probably not the same, I would've proposed a拉ent,
21:39because when I get a challenge that a mutvem,