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00:00Tosh.0 features videos from the internet and is intended for a mature audience.
00:04Comedy Central does not condone the activities performed and discourages anyone from attempting them.
00:09Enjoy.
00:18Holy shit!
00:20Holy shit!
00:30Keep the gyms closed.
00:41I need the videos.
00:43Welcome to Tosh.0.
00:45I'm not in my middle-aged goth phase.
00:48I'm just sad because this is the season of mourning.
00:53Tonight, I introduce you to this frisky little cat food reviewer, Meow.
00:58I use the art of Reiki to makey love to my staffy and this week's lucky son of a bitch.
01:06Now, fortunately, no one outside of New York or L.A. can afford a Peloton.
01:19Holy shit!
01:20Just make bread and hide your double chin with a mask during quarantine like all of us responsible sheeple.
01:25Don't forget to wipe down your rusty brake pads.
01:36Yep.
01:37His face is totally ripped.
01:39Just a few more reps to remove those super edgy face tattoos.
01:44He gave himself that iconic Luke Perry eyebrow scar.
01:48Miss you, L.P.
01:50Season of mourning.
01:52Moving on.
01:54Here's a surefire way to lose custody.
02:02Defund the arts.
02:04And go Packers.
02:07Gotta do something with all that pasta you panic bought.
02:11Wouldn't mind adding a quarter cup of man milk to this recipe.
02:13I like my roni soupy.
02:18Still more subtle than President F***wad's makeup.
02:23Ooh.
02:25Ever wonder why Italians have such smooth skin?
02:29Four words.
02:31Lasagna noodle face mask.
02:33So glad you bitches could join me for Spasta Night.
02:36You can snack on these masks when you're done.
02:46Salty.
02:48They tried to put squidding pasta on my face, but that seemed insensitive.
02:52Okay, now it's time for another installment of Ryan Fitzpatrick Presents Florida Being Florida Clip of the Week.
03:00Florida Be Like...
03:02What the f***?
03:04Never underestimate the grip strength of a prostitute who works at a rest stop glory hole.
03:15At Truck Driving Academy, they teach you the lot lizard shake-off maneuver day one.
03:22Must be love bug season in Florida.
03:25Try supporting with some wiper fluid.
03:28Just remember that everyone in this video gets to vote.
03:32Probably twice.
03:33All right, trigger warning.
03:35This next video contains extreme white people problems.
03:47The sail does make a hell of a blind spot.
03:51The open sea is just too narrow.
03:54I've been saying it for years.
03:56I didn't see it coming.
03:58I was too distracted by his shirt being tucked into his bathing suit.
04:02That guy's a f***ing idiot.
04:08Dreamer?
04:09It's a boat.
04:10Should really be called Wet Dreamer.
04:12Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
04:16Yeah.
04:17Good times.
04:18If this is one of those videos where a soldier and his pet reunite, I'm going to break down in this week's breakdown.
04:38Welcome to China.
04:43Creators of the worst plague our society has ever seen.
04:47TikTok.
04:53This big fellow just escaped from a slaughterhouse.
04:56Why is there a slaughterhouse for water buffalo?
04:59I didn't even know China had Arby's.
05:01A billion people over there.
05:04Not one rodeo clown.
05:07Never go for a mop in a crisis situation.
05:10Life is not a Jackie Chan movie.
05:12Maybe he can use it to clean up his innards when they start spilling out.
05:21What a beautiful sound.
05:23Either his lungs are collapsing or he's singing that new Black Pink song.
05:26Water buffalo kill more people every year than sharks do.
05:34Where's their theme week, Discovery Channel?
05:37Huh?
05:38You speciesists.
05:42Smart move.
05:43Maybe it just wants some affection.
05:46What?
05:48Where's a white kid with an AR-15 when you need one?
05:52According to the state-run media, he's fine.
05:54I stand with Hong Kong.
05:56Stay out of politics, Tosh.
05:58Even my laugh track has a heckler.
06:01And for that, we thank you.
06:03But first, a virtual crowd would never be this immature.
06:07When I'm psyched in the day.
06:08Oh my God, I just got it.
06:10Yeah!
06:22Hi, welcome back to Human Review's Pet Food.
06:24So it's about 2 a.m.
06:26I'm here in my basement.
06:28Oh yeah.
06:29Look at that.
06:30And there's kind of these chunks of like different colored, different colored bits in there.
06:35This is a very saucy cat food.
06:37I may have needed a spoon for this.
06:39I don't think you're going to see me barf.
06:51It's not too bad.
06:52It's like steak pudding, I suppose.
06:53Oh.
06:54Oh.
06:58Oh.
06:59Oh.
07:00YouTube removed the video where he reviewed a decapitated pigeon.
07:05That kibble nibbler in his mom's basement is Jimmy.
07:08And he's got the gaunt heroin-addicted look you and your paleo diet could only dream of.
07:14That's right, he eats cat food.
07:16And if you've ever dined at a Hawaiian restaurant, you have too.
07:20We're not talking little Baskin-Robbins tester spoonful either.
07:24Jimmy eats the whole goddamn can every time.
07:29Scoff all you want.
07:30But reviewing pet food has land old liver breath on an impressive 88 subscribers.
07:37That psycho doesn't even have a pet.
07:40The only thing sadder would be actually owning a cat.
07:43Pet food is low-grade and not actually meant for humans, just like an Anna Kendrick movie.
07:49But pets spend several hours a day with their tongue shoved deep inside their assholes,
07:55so I'm not sure they have the most discriminating palates.
07:58Yes, we've all thought about biting into a begging strip now and then,
08:02but if Jimmy wants to risk his nine lives eating placenta meat from a can,
08:07I'll grab a laser pointer and lead them to Tinseltown,
08:10where homeless people eat strays, for this week's celebrity profile.
08:22There are those among us with a taste for the refined.
08:26Indulge in only the best.
08:29Dinner time?
08:30I knew that would work, Jimmy.
08:31You can have your fancy feast after you answer a few questions.
08:34This is my co-host, Castro, my beloved Havanese of 16 years.
08:39Passed away, had him stuffed.
08:41Now I'm an actual crazy cat person.
08:43I have two pumas.
08:45I'd love for you to review their food.
08:47They eat live antelope.
08:48How many videos have you made about cat food?
08:51I filmed, I guess, 18 videos so far.
08:54Why did you think this was a good idea?
08:56Well, it was always a bad idea, but kind of the reason I started doing it was,
09:01there's all these cat food and pet food reviews online,
09:03and they're kind of ridiculous, because no one has any idea what the stuff tastes like.
09:07So you have all these people saying,
09:08my cat, you know, Mr. Fluffy, he'll only eat this kind of pet food.
09:12And so it's like, if you had human food, instead of having restaurant reviews,
09:15you based all your reviews around your friend Tony,
09:18who's like the pickiest eater, and you just followed him around
09:20and said which restaurants he went to gave him gas.
09:23Okay, there's a few holes in what you said,
09:26but I agree with one thing you said.
09:27Nothing upsets me more than when I'm at a restaurant
09:31and someone that I'm eating with asks the server what do they like.
09:36First of all, they're a server.
09:38They probably can't even afford to eat in this restaurant.
09:40Now I'm going to take their opinion for what I want to eat tonight?
09:43I don't like that.
09:44Let me guess, it's all wonderful.
09:46But where this goes off the rails is, you don't own a cat.
09:50I don't.
09:52I just walk into the grocery store, and I kind of, you know,
09:55I just say, ooh, that one looks good.
09:57How far can you spray your urine now?
09:59It depends on which can you eat, you know?
10:01Yeah, I mean, I have started, you know, like, burying my poo.
10:05You've got long fingers.
10:07Yeah, yeah, I do.
10:08You need a Zyrtec?
10:11No, I'm a Flonase man now.
10:14Flonase.
10:14For allergies so bad you have to blast poison directly into your nostrils.
10:22What's your favorite co-host that you've had on your show?
10:25I think I like Jeju, the black pig.
10:27Why have a co-host?
10:29Well, I just thought it was kind of just a fun thing to do.
10:31Okay, and you've got answers.
10:33By the way, a tall glass of water.
10:35How tall are you?
10:366'4"?
10:37You and me both.
10:38Oh, all right.
10:39You don't look 6'4 on camera, and maybe that's because you're eating cat food, and I'm completely
10:44distracted.
10:45I think it stunts your growth a little bit.
10:47Can you imagine how tall you would have been?
10:496'4, and you're thin.
10:52What do you weigh?
10:53Around 150.
10:54Do you do anything to stay that thin, other than have a horrible diet of cat food?
10:57Yeah, basically, you just poison yourself and don't exercise too much so that you don't
11:02get ripped.
11:03Is it actually poisonous?
11:05It's not approved for human consumption.
11:07Have you told your doctor that you eat cat food?
11:09I have not.
11:10I don't know what they would think of that.
11:12I know what they would think.
11:13Yeah.
11:13They would say, hey, you probably shouldn't do this.
11:16Have you ever thrown up from it?
11:17I've never thrown up.
11:18I'm actually a little bit surprised.
11:20What about your stool?
11:21How's your stool?
11:21It seems pretty normal.
11:23I have had a tuna fart, I guess.
11:26Uh-huh.
11:26Or, you know, it just smells a little funny when it comes out.
11:29Sure, that seems normal.
11:32A tuna fart.
11:33That was my wife's nickname in college.
11:36Why do you chew so slow?
11:42Hmm.
11:42I think some of this stuff's just really chewy.
11:45It just takes a while to get through.
11:47What's the worst cat food you've ever tasted?
11:49The worst stuff I've done is frisky, savory shreds.
11:52I called it worm turds.
11:54Just imagine, instead of having a chunk of cat food,
11:56you've got the nice little slivers.
11:58The texture is really what gets to me with these things.
12:01Like, if you have weird little pieces of grit within the cat food,
12:04that's what makes me gag, basically.
12:05Were you a picky eater as a child?
12:07Not really.
12:08Pretty much the only thing is I wouldn't eat bananas.
12:11Really?
12:11What about a banana pudding?
12:12Were there still chunks of bananas in the pudding?
12:15No, that's making me feel not so great.
12:17No, no, no.
12:17Magnolia Bakery.
12:18Magnolia Bakery.
12:19Now, they have a chocolate banana pudding there,
12:21and then they have this brown sugar cookie.
12:23A little overpriced on the cookie, but it's so good.
12:25I have two of those on my walk back.
12:27What about banana runs, the hard candies?
12:29Uh, they're okay.
12:30I'm not a big fan.
12:31I liked banana chips, though.
12:32I always liked those.
12:33Banana chips are good.
12:34What about a date?
12:35Do you like a date?
12:36Uh, the...
12:37The fruit, the dates.
12:38Um...
12:39The answer is no.
12:40Nobody likes dates.
12:41Not really.
12:42Would you ever eat cat meat?
12:44Tough one.
12:45Well, I've eaten some strange things.
12:47Chicken.
12:48Um...
12:49Chicken's not strange.
12:51Chicken feet.
12:52Oh, okay.
12:53Well, you gotta finish this statement.
12:54You can't just say chicken.
12:55I think I might, but I wouldn't feel very good about it.
12:59I don't think you should...
13:00I think you should say you would not eat cat meat.
13:02I would definitely not eat cat meat.
13:05All right.
13:05But I definitely would.
13:08Fair enough.
13:09When you go to a restaurant, is your first instinct to see if they have a cat menu?
13:13I usually ask for a doggy bag, at least.
13:15Why a doggy bag and not a kitty bag?
13:17I think because people feed their leftovers to their dog more than they do to their cat, right?
13:22You're 100% right.
13:24Okay.
13:24No, no, I didn't know that.
13:25But when you said that, it was just like, the bell went off, and I was like, he's fucking exactly right.
13:31Do you see your YouTube channel as more of a hobby or a cry for help?
13:37Maybe both.
13:38It's fun to see what new lows you can reach.
13:40Sometimes I'm, like, in a basement.
13:41It's the middle of the night, just eating cat food.
13:44Will you take requests?
13:45Yeah, I'll take requests.
13:46Okay.
13:46Do you have any requests?
13:47I do.
13:51They call this the Meow Mix Suicide Smoothie Challenge.
13:54It's a real internet thing that I definitely didn't just make up.
13:58Good God.
13:59Ooh.
14:00The smell from cat food.
14:03This one's dense.
14:05Now, I'm seeing peas, carrots.
14:07That actually looks like chicken noodle soup, right?
14:09Yeah, I'm going to give you two of those.
14:13It's like an applesauce mixed with refried beans.
14:16It looks like diarrhea.
14:18What's that one?
14:19Turducken.
14:20Turducken.
14:21You ever had a turducken?
14:22Yeah.
14:23Actually, apparently, they're pretty big in Delaware.
14:25I used to date a girl from Delaware.
14:27It had cystic fibrosis.
14:31Pretty sure she's not with us anymore.
14:33Nice worms.
14:34Oh, that is foul ball, bro.
14:36Woo!
14:37I'm going to do you a favor and not do too much.
14:39Ah, man.
14:46And top it off.
14:48My milkshake brings all the kitties to the kitchen.
15:00Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
15:03You having some of this?
15:04Well, I only made one serving.
15:07Oh.
15:07Bon appetit.
15:11Smells lovely.
15:12It's a little chunky, but not too chunky.
15:35You blended it pretty well.
15:36So it's not too bad.
15:37It's got, like, maybe a hint of carrot.
15:39A very strong kibble flavor.
15:41Did I put too much kibble in it?
15:42I thought I put too much kibble in it.
15:44I'll give this one five meows out of five.
15:47That's a perfect score.
15:49If your litter box isn't full, it's about to be.
15:51Okay.
15:52My umas.
15:54Imagine what the inside of his mask smells like.
15:57We filmed this two years ago, and he hasn't made a video since.
16:00I assume he died from some sort of intestinal parasite.
16:04R.I.P. Jimmy.
16:05See you in the morning.
16:07But first, I'm glad Kobe's legacy continues to inspire people.
16:15Oh, shit.
16:17Oh.
16:22My very favorite session is how people to achieve full body orgasm.
16:28I'm flowing energy from the bottom of his body.
16:55She certainly sounds reputable.
16:57It's not cheating if she never touches you.
17:00That's a loophole.
17:02That's a loophole.
17:04That old witch is Shekinah, master of the no hands job.
17:08She uses her imaginary powers to channel energy directly to your dog.
17:13Without so much as a reach around.
17:15And since I'm not allowed to touch my staff anymore,
17:17I actually spent the last few months of quarantine
17:19learning this phoning technique myself.
17:22Instead of learning the piano like some of you dipshits or a foreign language.
17:28I'm making you orgasm, but I'm not touching you.
17:32Nothing HR can do about that.
17:34Well, that's why I was keeping a mercy pair of slacks in the car.
17:44Got you too, huh?
17:45From downtown!
18:01Come again.
18:09Hello, boys.
18:10This man has incredible endurance.
18:22He must edge.
18:26It's been one week that you looked at me.
18:29I'll have what she's having.
18:44Oh, boy.
18:44What a mess.
18:46That HR nightmare is Viacom's problem now.
18:49Okay.
18:49As the poster boy for anti-racism,
18:52I'm proud to present a new segment called
18:54Free Plug for Any Black-Owned Business of the Week.
18:57You see me, I weigh 170 pounds.
19:00If I can sit on this mountain
19:02and not do s**t,
19:04then you know I'm the man to mount your TV.
19:07Stop playing,
19:08because it ain't coming off the wall.
19:09Hit me up on Instagram,
19:10and I'm going to mount your motherf*****ing TV.
19:13When his competition goes low,
19:15he mounts motherf*****ing high.
19:18We'll be right back with more Tosh.0
19:20on Comedy Central.
19:27Welcome back to the only TV show
19:32that thinks all Republicans should honor Trump
19:34by contracting COVID.
19:37Next week, I'm pumped to meet this jack jackass.
19:41I'm getting shot with rubber bug shot
19:43from a 12-gauge shotgun.
19:44My bass is indestructible
19:50and painfully stupid.
19:53Follow me on the four majors of social media.
19:55As you know,
19:56these are final episodes on Comedy Central,
19:58and just because I may be moving on to another network
20:01doesn't mean I don't love CC.
20:03And to prove it,
20:04we've been paying tribute
20:05to some of my favorite executives
20:07that have made Tosh.0
20:08the longest-running weekly live-action show
20:11in network history.
20:13This week is Jim Sharp.
20:15Ah, the sharpshooter.
20:17I'm not sure if he likes my show or not,
20:19but in all his years of coming to tapings,
20:21I didn't hear this guy laugh once.
20:23And frankly,
20:24I've never respected anyone more.
20:26Also,
20:27he forced me to hire his nephew
20:29as one of my writers.
20:29I'm here on my own merit.
20:31Mm, sure you are.
20:32Finally,
20:32here's this week's lucky SOB.
20:35Okay,
20:35that is very bad.
20:40What was it?
20:41Mother Nature nearly double-bounced him
20:45into the afterlife.
20:46Plus,
20:47he's a fellow Finns fan.
20:48Finns up,
20:49you lucky SOB.
20:51Hologram disengage.
20:52Good night.
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