- 2 days ago
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00:00Ick! Arse!
00:07These really do work, don't they, Dougal?
00:09Oh, you're right there, Ted.
00:10Ick! Arse!
00:12Ick!
00:30Ick!
01:00So then, you're a nun.
01:18Right, Sister Monica, I've left your bags in the hall.
01:20I thought before we dropped you at the boat, you might like to go and see the Holy Stone.
01:23The what?
01:24The Holy Stone of Clonrickard.
01:25Oh, great!
01:26It's one of the holiest lumps of rock in Europe,
01:28and you can get these magnificent souvenir combs there.
01:31They're fantastic combs.
01:32I got this one last year, and you can see there they've written,
01:35I saw the Holy Stone of Clonrickard.
01:38The stone is great.
01:39We've seen it, I think, about 300 times.
01:42Well, why not?
01:43It would ride off the weekend.
01:45If you thought the Ludo night was exciting,
01:47this'll drive you right over the edge.
01:50It's all been leading up to the Holy Stone.
01:53What's so holy about it anyway, Father?
01:55It's just a general kind of holiness, you know.
01:57Father Dougal stood beside it there once for about ten minutes,
02:00and he got a great sense of serenity.
02:01Yes, I got a great buzz off it.
02:05Well, why is it called the Holy Stone of Clonrickard?
02:07I thought Clonrickard was in Fermanagh.
02:09It is.
02:11The Holy Stone was up there,
02:13but it wasn't doing great business.
02:16So, a treat in store for you.
02:17Well, wonderful.
02:19That'll be wonderful.
02:20And I'll just go and freshen her.
02:27She'll be putting on make-up, I suppose.
02:31Impress the lads, huh?
02:32Ah, no, she's probably just going to the toilet.
02:38Our nun's great, though, Ted.
02:40It's good, because you don't feel as nervous with them
02:42as you do with real women, do you?
02:46Ah, you're right there.
02:48You know, even though I only got the courage
02:49to talk to her a few minutes ago,
02:50it's nice to have a nun around.
02:52Gives the place a bit of glamour, huh?
02:56A woman's touch.
02:57Anyway, listen, I'd better go on and rouse Jack.
03:01I'll tell him we're off.
03:17Ted says you were touching him.
03:18Father Jack, you all right there?
03:28Ready for another day?
03:30I'm off with Sister Monica now.
03:32If the milkman calls,
03:33the money's under the statue of our Lord
03:34being embarrassed by the Romans.
03:36All right, then?
03:38Would you like a cup of tea before I go?
03:41Morning, Father.
03:43I know you won't mind us leaving you alone
03:44because Father Dougal got that new video for you.
03:47Reservoir Dogs.
03:50It's probably not as violent
03:51as the ones you usually like,
03:52but sure, well, give it a go.
03:56What are you doing?
03:58This looks very bad, Ted.
03:59What?
04:00He's very drunk.
04:02Still, it must have been at it all night.
04:04Where does he hide it?
04:05I don't know.
04:06I haven't seen it this bad
04:07since that wedding in Clonus, Ted.
04:08Do you remember?
04:09Didn't he disappear off with Sister Imelda?
04:12God, yes, the blue nun.
04:15Oh, no, Ted.
04:16Look at this.
04:18Oh, God.
04:19Hold this.
04:21Father, this is very bad.
04:23Do you not remember what the window lean did to you?
04:25Father Jack, Father Jack, are you there?
04:28Ted.
04:29Imagine the damage floor polish would do you.
04:30My dear God.
04:32Ted.
04:33What is it?
04:34I'm in tremendous pain, Ted.
04:38Put it down, then.
04:39God, Dougal.
04:41Come on, we'd better get him.
04:41Get him under the arms.
04:43Come on, now, Father.
04:44Come on.
04:44You can't have Sister Monica seeing like this.
04:46Come on, big steps.
04:47What's the matter?
04:48There you are, Sister Monica.
04:49Yeah, that's just Father Jack's motor.
04:52Takes a little time to get going in the morning.
04:53He doesn't look well.
04:55Oh, he's grand.
04:56We're just taking him on a little trip to the toilet.
04:58We'll be going on a little trip to the toilet, Father.
05:00Put him down there in that chair and we'll have a look at him.
05:04He doesn't like to be fussed over.
05:05Well, I really think you should let me look at him.
05:11Oh, holy mother of God.
05:13He's dead.
05:15What's the problem there, Sister?
05:16Father Jack, he's dead.
05:19There's no pulse and he's stoned cold.
05:21Come on, now, Father.
05:22You're not dead, are you?
05:23He's very definitely dead.
05:25Come on, Father.
05:26The joke's over.
05:27Father, he's gone.
05:28I think you should go and get help.
05:30And Father Dougal here can give the sacraments.
05:33Right.
05:33Well, I'll call Dr Sinus, but frankly, I think you're making a big fuss about nothing.
05:47The last rites, Father.
05:50Oh, right, yeah, of course.
05:52Shouldn't we wait for Ted?
05:53Well, there's no need, really.
05:55Is there any anointing oil?
05:56No, I think himself drank it last week.
06:01You sure you wouldn't like to do the honours yourself?
06:03What?
06:04No, of course not.
06:05I suppose I'm wearing the trousers as far as this job goes.
06:10Right.
06:14Well, we are gathered here today to join two people.
06:19No, sorry.
06:20That's not it, of course, yeah.
06:23Well, Father, best of luck.
06:25Oh, of course, yeah, there's more.
06:30Sorry I didn't get a chance to see you off.
06:33I don't know if I should be talking to you down here or up there.
06:36Look up there.
06:37So, anyway, you're there now with our Lord and Stalin and Bob Marley and the rest of them and, of course, my own parents.
06:47Actually, I'd like to take this opportunity to say hello to them.
06:50Hello, Mammy.
06:52And, uh, Daddy.
06:54I hope they're looking after you up there.
06:56The Latin, Father.
06:58All right, yeah.
06:59Yeah.
07:01Totus, tuus, minimus, canis, costa, corta, baggio, roberto.
07:05Oh, did you ring the doctor, Father?
07:12Right, well, it looks bad, all right.
07:13I, uh, I called Dr. Sinister.
07:15I gave him the symptoms over the phone and he said he's probably dead, all right.
07:19The pulse not being there is bad enough, but the heart stopping is the real danger sign.
07:25That happened to my uncle and he was fine afterwards.
07:28His heart stopped?
07:29For how long?
07:30Uh, a week.
07:31A week, really?
07:32And he was fine afterwards?
07:33Actually, no.
07:35Now I think of it, uh, he died.
07:45I think it's absolutely great to see.
07:48I mean, the level of commitment amongst the African church in bringing the faith to the people is just wonderful.
07:55It's marvellous, isn't it?
07:58Sure, I wouldn't know I'm from Donegal.
08:03Will you have a sandwich, Father Cleary?
08:07Uh, no thanks, Mrs. Doyle, I'm fine.
08:09Have a try.
08:10They're diagonal.
08:11Oh, so I see, but, uh, no thanks anyway.
08:15Ah, go on.
08:16You're there only small.
08:17No, no, I'm glad.
08:18Are you sure you want to have one?
08:20Uh, no thanks, Mrs. Doyle.
08:21I ate before I came out.
08:23Would you like one for later?
08:24I could put it in a bag.
08:24Ah, no, no, don't bother.
08:25Here's a little bag you can bring one home in.
08:29No, no, no.
08:29And here's a bigger bag you can put the little bag into.
08:32No, no.
08:32And you can eat it later or you can eat it now if you want, whatever suits you.
08:36Ah, you'll have one now.
08:40Ah, sure I might as well.
08:42Mrs. Doyle.
08:45I think Father Mackie would like a sandwich.
08:47Father Mackie, will you have a sandwich?
08:49Oh, I'm terribly sorry I'm late, Ted.
08:54Oh, the car, oh, the car broke down.
08:58That's all right.
08:59Father Faye, how are you?
09:00Oh, yeah, I am.
09:03He is.
09:04This was very quick.
09:07Oh, yes, I suppose so.
09:09Oh, yeah.
09:11In New Zealand and a sister in South Africa.
09:13Oh, why, Ted?
09:15Why is it always the good ones?
09:18Oh, you bastard.
09:22Now, Father.
09:24He could have been Pope, Ted.
09:27But the fucking Jesuits, they have it all tied up.
09:31Yes.
09:32Imagine, Ted, a Polish Pope.
09:35It should have been Jack.
09:37But it's not what you know, is it?
09:39It's who you know.
09:42Ah, it's sad.
09:43But look at him there.
09:44He looks quite serene.
09:45Oh, God.
09:46No, no, no, no, no.
09:50He's dead, Ted.
09:52Oh, we'll never see him again.
09:55We'll see him in the next world.
09:57Oh, yeah, sure.
10:00Oh, God, no.
10:02Get him down.
10:03Get him down.
10:04Get him down.
10:05Get him down.
10:26Feck off.
10:30Give me lots of drink.
10:32Horse.
10:33Feck.
10:33Drink.
10:34Feck off.
10:36Oh, Ted, you big fool.
10:39What are you doing, Dougal?
10:40I don't think you should be getting up to this kind of nonsense.
10:43Come on now, up you get.
10:44You should leave his chair idle for a while.
10:47Would you ever look at that?
10:48It's completely bald.
10:50Smooth as a baby's behind.
10:52You'd know all about that, Ted.
10:55What?
10:55You know, when you're baptising them, the babies.
10:58Oh.
10:59Now, I'm going to give Sister Monica a lift.
11:02Down to the boat.
11:03Thank you, Father.
11:04Oh, no, it's the least we could do.
11:05You're always very good to Father Jack.
11:07It's the least we could do.
11:08Excuse me, Father Crilly.
11:10There's a woman here to see you.
11:12A woman, Mrs. Doyle.
11:13I think you mean a nun.
11:15Oh, no, no, no, no.
11:16It's a woman, all right.
11:18A young woman.
11:19With a skirt.
11:22I'll be off then.
11:23Hello, Father Crilly.
11:27Yes?
11:27I'm from Corliss, Corliss and Sweeney.
11:30Oh, we're fine for coal, thanks.
11:32Oh, no, it's nothing to do with coal.
11:35My name is Laura Sweeney.
11:38And this must be Father Maguire.
11:40Mm.
11:42Anyway, I think you both better sit down.
11:44I've got a bit of a shock for you.
11:46Before you say anything, I want to assure you that that was just a routine relocation of funds.
11:49Oh, no, no.
11:50No, the money was resting in my account before I actually put it on to the...
11:53No, you don't understand.
11:55This is about Father Hackett.
11:56Now, please, sit down and I'll explain everything to you.
12:03Now, it may come as a surprise for you to learn that Father Hackett left a will.
12:08Did he?
12:09What does it say?
12:10Well, if I may.
12:12I, Father Jack Hackett, being of sound mind and body...
12:16Sorry.
12:21Leave my entire fortune to Father Ted Crilley and Father Dougal Maguire
12:25to be distributed equally amongst them and...
12:28I'll be... I'll be off now then, Father.
12:37I'll make the way to the boat myself then.
12:40Yeah, yeah.
12:43Bye, Fathers.
12:44Yeah, bye.
12:46Look at this, Duggan.
12:48Father Jack left us money.
12:50That's very nice of him.
12:51How much?
12:52Half.
12:54Half.
12:55Half a million pounds.
12:57Half a million pounds each?
13:00Oh, no.
13:01Between us.
13:07It's only a quarter of a million each, Ted.
13:09Ted.
13:11Ted?
13:16So that's that.
13:18Looks like you're going to be very rich, men.
13:21Grand.
13:21It's just that sole requirement, which I'm surprised Father Hackett didn't discuss with you himself.
13:26Oh?
13:27When is the funeral again?
13:28Again?
13:29Well, we haven't had the first one yet, so...
13:31No.
13:33Uh, sorry.
13:35Maybe I didn't make myself clear.
13:36It's tomorrow morning.
13:37Right.
13:38Well, you know about Father Hackett's terrible fear of being buried alive?
13:43Well, there's no chance of that now, is there?
13:44I mean, you know, like he's dead.
13:47Oh, yes, he was terribly frightened of that.
13:48That's why he wouldn't do confession.
13:50He didn't like enclosed spaces.
13:52Of course, he also just didn't want to do it.
13:55A load of strangers telling you their sins.
13:57Sure, who'd be bothered with that?
13:59Well, Father Hackett's fear...
14:02Father Hackett's fear was so great that he stipulated that you two must spend the night before the burial with him.
14:07Okay, all right, yeah.
14:09I suppose that's the least we can do.
14:10Anyway, we can discuss it with the solicitor.
14:12No, I am the solicitor.
14:16No, you're not.
14:21I'm sorry, but I'm the senior partner in Corliss, Corliss and Sweeney.
14:26Now, come on now.
14:28Just because we're from the island, do you think you can have a bit of fun with us?
14:32I assure you...
14:33All right, all right.
14:35The big tickle's from the island.
14:38But we're not as thick as we look, eh?
14:40No way, Jose.
14:41Now, wait a second.
14:43Why do you think I've been talking to you for the last hour and a half?
14:46Look, you're a lovely girl, but I really think we should talk to the solicitor.
14:51If you're a solicitor, I'm Boy George.
14:53Karma, Karma, Karma, Karma, Karma, Chameleon.
14:59You come and go.
15:02You come and go.
15:04Karma, Karma, Karma, Karma, Karma, Chameleon.
15:08Oh, how's your head, Ted?
15:10Not too bad.
15:11But it's true what they say about these career women.
15:14They're very aggressive.
15:16Yeah, she was very aggressive, wasn't she, Ted?
15:18Oh, and the language out of her.
15:20You wouldn't hear it from a docker.
15:21Ah, you would.
15:22They use very bad language.
15:25F'n this and F'n that.
15:27It was worse than that, Ted.
15:28She was saying...
15:28Now, Dougal.
15:35Anyway, who'd have thought Father Jack had half a million pounds?
15:39And he never said a word about it.
15:40There it was, lying in a bank account all these years.
15:43How did he get it all in the first place?
15:45Well, as far as I understand it, he was just an astute saver.
15:48He tried to avoid giving money to charity.
15:51He would wear trousers during the summer.
15:53That obviously saved a couple of bobbin wear and tear.
15:55All sorts of little savings here and there all over the place.
15:58It all adds up, you know.
16:00I suppose we only really knew him in his twilight years.
16:03But I think we saw the best of him.
16:06A really lovely man.
16:08A true knight of the church.
16:10Gentle.
16:10Lovely sense of humour.
16:13Patient.
16:14Good-natured.
16:15Sorry, Ted.
16:16Who's this now?
16:19Who do you think I'd be talking about at this particular moment, Dougal?
16:23Well, I'm not sure.
16:24I didn't catch the start.
16:26Jack, of course.
16:28All right, Jess.
16:29Yeah.
16:30A great priest.
16:33First priest to denounce the Beatles?
16:35That's right.
16:36He could see what they were up to.
16:37And he loved children, of course.
16:41Oh, he did, yes.
16:43They were terrified of him, though.
16:45Well, he had that stick, you know, and he'd be waving that stick.
16:48And sure, maybe they thought he'd hit them.
16:49I heard when he was teaching in St. Columns that he was a great believer in discipline.
16:54I'll cut your voice in the door.
16:58They're saying he was a good teacher.
17:01A friend of mine had him.
17:02Father Jimmy Ranable studied under him for a couple of years.
17:05And he told me once, he said,
17:06No one, no one had such a huge effect on him as Father Jack.
17:11Father Jimmy Ranable.
17:12Oh, yeah.
17:13Whatever happened to him?
17:14Do you remember the Drumshanbow massacre?
17:16Yeah.
17:17That was him.
17:19Oh.
17:20Another thing about Jack.
17:22He loved a bit of competition.
17:23He had a great sense of fair play.
17:25And a great traditionalist.
17:38He didn't agree with a lot of the modern thinking within the church.
17:41You'll burn for all eternity in hell!
17:46Hey!
17:49Funny.
17:50One moment you're here, the next moment.
17:53And in the happy no time of his sleeping,
17:57death took him by the hand.
18:00You know,
18:01someone once said
18:02that life is but a thin sliver of light
18:04between two immensities of darkness.
18:07Makes you think.
18:09Does, Ted.
18:11About what?
18:14About death, Dougal.
18:15About death.
18:16That's very morbid, isn't it, Ted?
18:18What started you off thinking about death?
18:23What?
18:23What?
18:23What?
18:30Still,
18:31it's good we have this time with him.
18:34Maybe sometimes we aren't always as thoughtful as we could have been.
18:38But at least now we're able to have this time with him.
18:42Treat him with the respect he deserves.
18:44Ah, you're right there, Ted.
18:45Do you fancy an old game of charades?
18:52Yes, I think so.
18:54Right, so, you go first.
18:56Right.
18:57I'll start.
18:58I'll give you an easy one with.
19:01Eh, fishing.
19:03Eh, go on fishing.
19:04Something to do with boxing.
19:06Eh, one-handed boxing.
19:07What's the film?
19:08You're not supposed to tell me, Ted.
19:10OK.
19:17Film.
19:19One film.
19:22One word.
19:23Come on, Ted.
19:24You're making it a bit too easy for me.
19:26I'm not an idiot, you know.
19:28Right.
19:28One word, film.
19:29Can't be too many of them.
19:30Salem's Lot.
19:34Eh, tongue.
19:35Eh, mouth.
19:35Teeth.
19:36Eh, is there a film called tongue?
19:38Tom-tongue?
19:39No.
19:40Eh, tonguefish.
19:42Swimming tongue.
19:43Eh, fish.
19:45Attack of the giant killing fish.
19:46Tongue.
19:47Tonguefish.
19:48Eh, the deep.
19:49Piranha.
19:50Jaws 2.
19:52Oh, close then.
19:54Ghostbusters 2.
19:57Superman 2.
19:58No.
19:59Batman Returns.
20:01You had it.
20:02It was Jaws.
20:03No, I had Jaws 2, Ted.
20:04It's a different film.
20:05It's a very different film.
20:06It's a different shark.
20:07Ted, are you still awake, Ted?
20:15Yes.
20:15Yes.
20:17Just wanted to ask you a question.
20:19Oh, not again, Dougal.
20:21Look, when a man and a lady are very much in love, then...
20:25No.
20:27No, I didn't want to ask that, Ted.
20:29I just wanted to ask you, do you believe in an afterlife?
20:33Do I what?
20:34Do you believe in an afterlife?
20:37Well, Dougal, generally speaking, priests tend to have a very strong belief in the afterlife.
20:41Oh, I wish I had your faith, Ted.
20:46Dougal, how did you get into the church?
20:49Was it like, collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?
20:56Ted.
20:58Dougal, please let me go to sleep.
21:01I was just wondering, what are you going to do with your share of the money?
21:03Well, I, uh...
21:07Luckily, there are always lots of charity organisations that are grateful for money.
21:11There's Concern, St. Vincent de Paul, Food for Africa, Help the Aging.
21:26And maybe a few pounds for comic relief.
21:29So, some good will come from Father Jack's death.
21:31It's hard to believe he's gone, though, isn't it, Ted?
21:35Ah, you're right there.
21:42It's beginning to snow again.
21:44The flakes, silver and dark, falling obliquely against the lamplight.
21:48It's probably snowing all over the island.
21:51On the central plain.
21:53On the treeless hills.
21:55Falling softly upon the graveyards.
21:57Upon the crosses and the headstones.
22:00Upon all the living.
22:01And the dead.
22:03Shut the fuck up!
22:05Ted!
22:06Ted, Ted, what's wrong, Ted?
22:08Father Jack, did you see what happened?
22:09Ted!
22:12What happened, Father Jack?
22:13What?
22:14Ooh!
22:14So, there he is, risen from the dead, like that fella E.T.
22:31There's one thing that confuses me, though.
22:33Yes?
22:34Is Jack dead, then, or what?
22:39Apparently not.
22:41The floor polish brought about all the symptoms of death, such as no heartbeat, rigor mortis,
22:46decomposition.
22:47But he was lucky.
22:49The effects just wore off him.
22:52It's good to have him back, though, isn't it?
22:54Hmm.
22:55Who needs half a million pounds, anyway?
22:58Yes, sir, our life is the spiritual life.
23:05But to be honest, I don't like talking about this.
23:09But it's only a matter of time.
23:11I mean, he's not a young man.
23:14And, you know, and, I suppose, when he's gone, it won't be so bad.
23:19The money will be some kind of comfort to us.
23:21Well, that's something.
23:23Now, you better come down to the shops with me.
23:25I want to buy some more floor polish.
23:29Maybe we should get a few different brands, you know, just to try them out, like.
23:33Yes, and we can leave them all around the house, so they won't get lost.
23:35Or we could leave them in Jack's room and ask him to keep an eye on them.
23:42Drink!
23:43Take off!
24:12Take off!
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