- 2 days ago
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00:00God I'm not reading that book anymore it's very scary all together Ted Ted yes
00:16what did you ever see a ghost well Dougal I'll tell you something happened to me
00:22once it was years ago I was staying with my great-aunt in her house in Connemara
00:27there's a big house miles from anywhere apparently during the great famine a cruel
00:32landlord and his beautiful daughter used to live there the story is that he forbade
00:37the door from marrying a young soldier broke her heart and in her despair she
00:42hung herself in her bedroom the room that I was staying in was that very bedroom I
00:48remember it was icy cold lit by a single candle I was drifting off to sleep when
00:55suddenly I heard a strange creaking noise from the far corner of the room was it
00:59a ghost no so no I've never seen a ghost I saw one really yes it was a man all
01:15dressed in black and I came down one night for a glass of milk and he was just
01:19sitting there in front of the television just there right it was weird and you
01:24know you had this strange kind of gray hair even though he wasn't very old
01:27no Dougal Dougal could this have been me at all
01:33ah
01:35you
01:42you
01:44you
01:46you
01:48you
01:52you
01:54you
01:56Right, that should do it.
02:17For pity's sake.
02:26That's working now, Ted.
02:35It's broken again.
02:38Maybe it only works when my head is in it.
02:42Ted, we should call the plumber.
02:44No, no, I don't want to get them involved.
02:46Anyhow, I'd be too embarrassed to tell them how I broke it in the first place.
02:49You know, trying to give it an extra hard flush.
02:53Well now, Ted, I have to say, it was fine for me.
02:56It was a good, powerful flush, I thought.
02:58I was thinking more about Jack.
03:00You know what it's like when he's involved.
03:02You want to get that stuff away as fast and as hard as possible.
03:05Best thing would be for us to flush it here and have it pop up somewhere in Sierra Leone.
03:10Well, you're right there, Ted.
03:12Uh-huh.
03:13Uh-huh.
03:17I thought Jack had stashed something in here.
03:21Okay.
03:22Let's try it now.
03:26Girls!
03:28Ha!
03:43Bloody hell.
03:45Good news, Ted.
03:47No.
03:47No.
03:47No.
03:47No.
03:47Very, very bad news.
03:51It's the Holy Stone of Clonrickert.
03:53They're going to upgrade it to a Class 2 relic.
03:55Great!
03:56No, it's not great.
03:58It means they'll be sending over a few bishops to do a ceremony.
04:00And you know what they're like.
04:00We'll have to be on our best behaviour.
04:02I thought there was something up with the Holy Stone all right.
04:05Wasn't someone cured there?
04:06No.
04:07Someone was lured there.
04:10Paddy Short.
04:11And then those fellas started to beat him with the sticks.
04:13Oh, that was it, yeah.
04:15The Holy Stone.
04:18It must be even holier than we thought.
04:20Perhaps it's something to do with that fella from England last year.
04:23He touched it and he grew a beard.
04:24Wow, that's weird.
04:26That'd be nearly enough to upgrade it to a Class 1.
04:28Oh, Class 1 would be very rare, Dougal.
04:30That would be bringing people back to life.
04:33Time travel, cloning dinosaurs.
04:36Very rare.
04:37But there must be millions of relics all over the world.
04:39How do they know which ones to do?
04:41Well, there's all these things they have to think about.
04:43The history of the relic.
04:45How many miracles can be attributed to it.
04:47All sorts of considerations go into a decision like that.
04:52What about the Holy Stone of Clonricket?
04:55Whatever.
05:00Ah, come on, Ted.
05:01Cheer up.
05:02It may never happen.
05:03Well, it is happening.
05:04They're definitely coming.
05:05All right, yeah.
05:06But who cares anyway?
05:07I mean, they come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and they're gone.
05:12What's so bad about that?
05:16Dougal, they're bishops.
05:19Oh, right, yes.
05:22Dougal, what is this confusion you have about bishops?
05:25Do you actually understand what they actually do?
05:28Nothing to do with fumigating houses or anything like that at all.
05:32Have you got that?
05:33Got it.
05:34Anyway, Ted, let's play a game.
05:36Get your mind off it.
05:37Chess or buckaroo?
05:41Actually, I wouldn't mind a game of the old chess today myself.
05:43Really?
05:44No, only joking, Ted.
05:45Buckaroo up there.
05:49But only if you're ready for a good trashing.
05:52Dougal, you've never actually beaten me ever.
05:55All right, yeah.
05:59Still, eh?
06:00Buckaroo.
06:01The sport of kings.
06:03I suppose it won't be so bad.
06:05The bishops will have a look around and see they were a normal, everyday parish and go away.
06:10Nothing to worry about at all.
06:12Oh!
06:13Fuck you!
06:13LAUGHTER
06:24LAUGHTER
06:25So the ceremony's on Thursday, and they're arriving tomorrow.
06:37Now, Dougal, this is crucial.
06:39listen to me all right all right head these bishops are very important i'll stay around
06:43you all the time just in case so you don't say anything to them that you're not supposed to say
06:47to them like what like what you said to bishop lindsay when he asked me where i was when kennedy
06:54was shot oh yeah i mean you overreacted slightly there he wasn't accusing me of anything
06:59all right so ted do you know any of the bishops who are coming i mean what are they like bishop fax is
07:11a good old pal of father larry duff's i'll try and reach larry on his mobile he's got a new one with
07:16an extra loud bleep shh
07:29god almighty why does he have a mobile if he never picks it up
07:41and then we have the problem with jack couldn't we just hide him for a couple of days
07:47no they'd hear him shouting girls
07:51maybe we could train jack to say something apart from drink or feck or girls like like
07:56like a dog and that's life a few years ago
08:01dougal father jack may be bad but he's not a dog
08:08there he is now he probably wants to go out
08:16wait maybe we could teach him to say one or two things nothing too specific a few all-purpose
08:23sentences like that would be an ecumenical matter
08:30yes i can't think of any religious question that can't be answered by that it's what i always say
08:33when people ask me questions that's the great thing about catholicism
08:38it's so vague and nobody really knows what it's all about
08:41i think it might work dougal i know it'll work it will work it won't work will it ted
08:53it won't no
08:56but we have to try right father now we're going to have a little elocution lesson drink
09:04now father you can't be saying that all the time when the bishops come here
09:07fake no you can't say that either girls look father just let's go back to drink for the moment
09:14drink right now i want you to have a look at this have a go at the first one here
09:19that drink no no no that drink now come on father concentrate that drink that drink that drink that
09:29drink that drink that drink that drink that drink now come on now father i know you can do it
09:36there'll be a little drink in it for you if you do it drink yes i promise now come on try again that
09:45drink come on now father you almost had it that's
09:48that's great that's brilliant father let's keep it going here on the next one that won't that
09:57oh
09:58oh
10:00oh
10:02thank
10:09mrs doyle you left the cooker on all right father i'll be there in a second
10:13right
10:24right father everything's ready there's a big vat of tea steaming away and i've arranged the ferrero rocher
10:30in a big triangular climb oh god father i'm so excited taking on three bishops all at once
10:38oh i can't wait right you know father i think this is going to be the greatest moment of my career
10:46it's almost as if my whole life was leading up to this mrs doyle mrs doyle i'm over here
10:53oh so you are father mrs doyle
10:57mrs doyle have you got your contacts in no a dog ran off with them
11:04i thought i'd get away with it but i suppose i'll have to wear the glasses
11:08i don't like wearing them father i feel they make me look like a frustrated old bag
11:14oh i can't imagine that i imagine they look absolutely
11:20god father are they that bad no no no it's just a scary film i was thinking of
11:27they're fine really great well uh that's much better um i'll just go and check on the tea so
11:39father
11:40hmm father i have absolutely no idea where the door is
11:44doogle doogle they're here
12:04sorry about that bishop o'neill you were saying yes very simple ceremony we just need a little incense
12:11oh incense i don't know if we do do you know if we have any incense
12:20there was a spider in the bath last night
12:27no no doogle incense incense
12:33all right yes um no i don't think so
12:36uh do you remember when we ran out of incense and uh we used the wind elite
12:44well then i'm sure we can find some
12:48so are you uh doing much upgrading around the country
12:51last month we elevated a mushroom field in cavern to class three
12:56great our work takes us all over the country
12:59it gives us a chance to get in touch with the ordinary clergy or the ground troops as i call them
13:07yes we're trying to organize a large meeting at the end of the year
13:12where all ranks of the clergy can discuss their views with representatives of the lay community
13:19what do you think father cleanly
13:24sorry what do you think a close relationship with the lay community on this particular matter
13:30is desirable or should a certain distance be maintained
13:36yes uh good question um well you know i think we should
13:42involve the lay community but keep them at a distance
13:49how much of a distance a couple of miles here we are now tea for everyone
13:57oh are you all right your grace yes i i i i had a minor heart attack last year i have to take it easy
14:11i got a bit of a fright there right
14:15it's not a problem but if you could just give us a bit of a warning when you're going to do anything
14:20you're sorry google what are you doing sorry ted i just remembered aliens is on after the news
14:30google for god's sake i'm sorry bishop jordan did you not hear what he's saying about his heart
14:35i know it's just it's the director's cut come on everyone let's all have a big lads night in
14:41do them just just shut up a heart attack that's rare enough these days there were certainly a lot of
14:48prayers said for bishop i don't know why we can't look at aliens google bishop o'neill is speaking
14:52but they'd love it ted no they wouldn't bishop love sci-fi dougal we are not watching aliens
15:03anyway back to religion
15:09do you see what i'm getting at our first priority must be to fight back against the anti-clerical bias of
15:16the media yes
15:23ferrero russia father ted with these russia you are really spoiling us
15:34mrs doyle all right
15:38bishop i'm sorry we're saying oh yes i was saying we have to fight back against the media
15:43we must make our voice heard where is father hackett mrs doyle could you get father hackett for us
15:51now certainty father i must say mrs doyle they keep you on your feet my housekeeper isn't the best i'm
15:59afraid sometimes i think that it's me that should be making the tea for her
16:11mrs doyle
16:16mrs doyle making the tea for her
16:22mrs doyle
16:29sorry about that here's father hackett now
16:35he's been looking forward to your visit haven't you father yes
16:40yes this is bishop o'neill don't get up yes this is bishop fax yes this is bishop jordan yes
16:51they're looking after you then father
16:55that would be a yes
16:57i was just saying father how i'm looking forward to discussing the social effects of some of the
17:06church's thinking as regarding issues of personal morality
17:12that would be an ecumenical matter
17:15yes i i suppose it would
17:18that's a good point father yes that's what we need a more positive attitude like father hackett's
17:27what i agree i can see father hackett making a valuable contribution over the next few days
17:33oh god yes
17:39heavenly father hear our prayer we pray that this rock be upgraded to a class two relic
17:47and by the grace of god bring healing to all who pass within a radius of two and a half to three
17:53feet of it at your discretion and may all who are healed in such a way give glory to you our lord
18:01through your earthly form of this class two relic amen amen
18:08i'm sorry for detaining you father we'll catch up with the others in a while yes
18:15i so admire your positive attitude father so many people are cynical about such things you can hardly
18:23open a newspaper these days without reading some trendy anti-credical article written by some bearded
18:29lefty yes that spell and the army will do them the world of good and that would be an
18:33like a medical matter oh of course father it's the media that's a real enemy
18:39that's a real enemy of spiritual pleasure so father do you ever have any doubts about the
18:59religious life is your faith ever tested
19:07anything you've been worried about
19:10any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief
19:15anything like that well you know the way god made us all right and uh he's looking down at us from
19:23heaven and everything uh-huh and then his son came down and saved everyone and all that yes and when
19:30we die we're all going to go to heaven yes what about it well that's the bit i've trouble with
19:39that is the key to that when you come face to face with death it makes you think about things
19:47i saw that film recently apollo 13 it reminded me of my own brush with death do you know what i mean
19:59you mean you were in space when you had your heart attack no how could i be in space
20:06sorry no i suppose not no i meant i know what it's like to be close to death yeah great anyway i'm
20:13dying to use the old wc so yes you do that i stay out here and take the air so if god has existed
20:20forever you know what what did he do in his spare time like before he made the earth and everything
20:25you know well we all have doubts and what about when you weren't allowed to eat meat on fridays
20:33how come that's all right now but it wasn't back then i mean the people who ate meat on fridays back
20:38then they all go to hell or what i mean it's mad he's not bothering you is he no no it's fascinating
21:08oh there you are i hope you had a nice chat it was great i think i reached some very interesting
21:21conclusions oh about what exactly well it's nonsense isn't it what is religion
21:30well think about it very little evidence blind fate that's all we have to go on there's not a
21:38shred of proof anywhere nothing aliens now there's something that might just be possible everlasting
21:46life big demons sticking red hot pokers up your ass for all eternity i don't think so the whole
21:54religion thing i just don't buy it i've been struggling with my conscience for some time now but
21:59father mcguire was the first man to spell it out for me in black and white oh doogle what have you been
22:06up to this man this man treasure him father crilly he has wisdom far beyond his years thanks very much
22:16quick it's bishop jordan i think he's dead
22:28there oh lord yeah that's a dustbin mrs dory
22:34where's bishop fax we have to straighten out the media that's the important thing father and we have to do it
22:51world
23:10you sure you won't you consider a decision no anyway it's too late
23:14I'm off to Indy for two months with a few friends.
23:16Ah, there they are.
23:20See you again, then.
23:31Er, Your Grace.
23:33The Holy Stone.
23:35Will it still be a Class 2 when they, um...
23:39...move it?
23:43Sorry.
23:44Ha ha ha!
23:47Ha ha ha!
23:48Ha ha ha!
23:51God bless.
23:53Ha ha ha ha!
23:56Ha ha ha ha!
24:05Went pretty well, I thought.
24:06Ha ha ha ha!
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