- 13 hours ago
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00:00I'll see you next time
00:30Don't even talk to me I'm so sorry Ted you're judging a baby competition you're not supposed
00:40to get them agitated this happens every time and I'm sick of it I was just playing with them Ted
00:47playing with them you are jumping up and down with them running around to them
00:57and getting completely overexcited that's why you got sick on me I thought the standard this year was
01:06rubbish it was awful all right a lot of very sloppy babies who looked as though they really couldn't
01:11be bothered and the hairiness of some of those babies it was a very hairy baby parade exactly Ted if
01:18people aren't even going to shave their babies before they come out normally do good you wouldn't
01:23actually have to shave a baby what the hell mrs. Doyle did you put a brick in the middle of the floor I did
01:39well why I thought it'd be handy for your paperclips see you can put them in that hollow there yes but
01:49why in the middle of the floor why not on the table I got the idea from a magazine that may be all very
01:59well for will sell for one of those fellas right for the more traditional aspect of not putting bricks in
02:04the middle of the floor I think in future you should consult me before mrs. Doyle looks very different
02:15today was it definitely mrs. Doyle
02:45I'm sorry I was looking for mrs. Doyle it is mrs. Doyle what I thought you were Marilyn Monroe
02:59yeah a couple of nice pints for you oh great we're a bit low actually
03:09mm-hmm there's plenty more where that came from I tell you I shouldn't be here at all the police are
03:24after me they're not yes I'm so gorgeous they want to put me under arrest actually I'm a bit sad at the
03:36moment mrs. Doyle yes I have to go to a funeral oh no really yes my last girlfriend she died from
03:45exhaustion this is Pat mustard the new milkman oh yeah just you're over the south side of the
04:04island thought I'd spread myself around a bit mrs. Doyle you need to do some dusting up in father Jack's
04:11room and there's a huge cob in the shed needs removing all right also father well I'll be on my way
04:21Padre off on my rounds right Ted looks like an ordinary blackboard doesn't it yes that's what I thought but
04:39watch this you see you can rub off the letters you can do that with every blackboard do good what
04:52this is a very milky cup of tea mrs. Doyle this is almost an all-milk cup of tea I mean is there any tea in here at all
05:09well no anyone would think you were trying to use up all the milk so that so that Pat mustard can come
05:20here more often that's very interesting though a father at the weekends he's a swimming instructor in
05:29the pool and he fought in Vietnam and he's a former mister universe and he taught Elvis Presley how to
05:36play karate it sounds to me as though he's telling you a few tall tales what do you think Dougal well
05:43Ted I'm very cynical as you know it's not my place I know but it sounds to me like you're a little bit
05:57jealous jealous jealous of mr. milky man I very much think not what are you doing Dougal I was just looking
06:13at some of the hairy babies from today there's something about them let's see oh my god what this is a
06:26terrible thing to say but if you took this baby's moustache this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards
06:32and put them together I think you'd get Pat mustard do you think the babies are copying his style
06:41no do you think it's more likely that um that Pat mustard has been you know I mean delivering more
06:54more than dairy products no you mean he's been who I can't oh he no hey what
07:05he's been what
07:09I think we should do a little detective work find out what this Pat mustard fella's up to
07:18hello father oh Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box
07:35I'll pick it up tomorrow Mrs. Doyle could you leave us for a few moments I told father
07:49I know what's going on Pat mustard there are some very hairy babies on craggy islands and I think you
07:59are the hairy baby maker no yet well I think that you would need proof if you're going to make that
08:06sort of an accusation and I'm a very careful man father a very careful man except when it comes to
08:13taking precautions in the bedroom yeah you wouldn't be advised of the use of artificial contraception
08:17now father would you yes I no I if you're going to be I of course you you just feck off
08:29you'd want to get up very early in the morning to catch me father very early in the morning
08:39and now to write Mrs. O'Reilly did you get that
09:05Ted I turn up the volume as loud as I can in case I can hear what's going on inside the house
09:13at this level you can hear a pig
09:16right now we wait oh no he's finished
09:23god
09:27Teresa
09:27forget me fucking trousers
09:30shameful dear god disgraceful
09:37look at that have you ever seen anything like that no I have not
09:42right how should we do this how about two pounds each for this this and this and a tenner for the rest
09:48well I wasn't trying to sell them to you I just wanted to show you what one of your employees was
09:56up to on this round oh oh oh my god yes why what did you think oh I I I completely misread the
10:04situation now please this is disgraceful behavior this employee shall be removed from his job straight
10:09away thank you for bringing this to our attention father clearly hey you who's going to deliver the
10:14milk now actually next week is a big week for us we recently agreed to ease the milk surplus problems
10:20of the newly liberated Eastern European Republic of Croftanova by buying 17,000 tons of milk from them
10:28Pat sacking couldn't have come at a worse time god it's terrible to think of all that lovely milk floating
10:32around and going sour with no one dropping it off anywhere I wish I could do it
10:36we could certainly trust you father you are after all a man of God a what
10:41a priest well yeah thanks for reminding me but I'd love to be a milkman for a while
10:49that'd be fantastic god knows I do flip all around here
10:53not a bad idea you could certainly fill in for a while
10:56huh oh I'm not sure father Maguire his other duties in the parish like what
11:01I'm sure to keep warm would you dead not in front of mr. Fox hmm that's in the left side
11:16of the road do I know that turns it on that makes it go that steers it
11:26okay right okay you're ready to be a milkman
11:30I'm gonna get going actually milk gets so you know unless it's UHT milk but
11:36there's no demand for that because it's shite
11:39you'll be fine father
11:54what's going on father Hackett's got very fond of that brick it's a great old pet for him he doesn't
12:18have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet suit them down to the ground
12:21I love my break
12:25that's nice maybe we're seeing another side of father Jack a more caring considerate
12:33oh
12:37faggot
12:38fed up with
12:40reek
12:42oh
12:47craggy island parochial house
12:51father Ted Crilly speaking
12:53it's me father
12:55ignorant bastard
12:57who's that is that you mustard
12:59you got me sacked and now I'm having to yank meself off round the clock because I haven't got any proper sex with girls
13:08if you're going to use that language no don't I hope something to tell you I've left a little surprise
13:14on the milk float your little friend took off me something to remember me by a bomb
13:22what
13:24a very special bomb
13:26when your little friend
13:28gets to over four miles an hour then the bomb will be armed but
13:32when he comes back under four miles an hour then
13:36sorry I lost it there what happens when it goes under four miles an hour
13:42oh
13:44like a coiff
13:44oh my god
13:45do them
13:46mrs. miller two pints
13:54two pints
13:56two pints
13:56two pints of milk
13:58there you go
14:14bye then
14:16morning mrs. gleeson
14:35mrs. gleeson
14:37okay right
14:39I'll just leave it here then
14:41doodle doodle
14:51are you going over four miles an hour
14:53ah Ted I'm doing fine leave me alone
14:55are you doing over four
14:57not yet
14:59now I am
15:03now I am
15:09oh no Google listen to me there's a bomb on the milk float
15:12a bomb right
15:13who's that for
15:14no you're not supposed to deliver to anyone
15:16it's going to go off and kill you
15:17had mustard put up there because I got him sacked
15:20when you go under four miles an hour it'll go off the bomb will go off
15:23have you got that
15:24oh god help
15:25I don't want to be a milkman anymore
15:27you'll be safe as long as you don't slow down
15:30oh Ted look
15:31it's a big bunch of boxes in the middle of the road
15:34just stay over four
15:36oh
15:46ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
15:49Oh, my God.
16:19Go, Google! Go, go, go!
16:43Just get to the roundabout and start circling it.
16:46I have to have a thing.
16:47Dad!
16:55Barron Island parochial house, Father Beeching here.
16:58Dougal's in trouble.
16:59He got a job as a milkman,
17:00and the previous milkman has put a bomb on the milk float
17:02that will blow up when the milk float goes under four miles an hour.
17:06Yes, that is a problem.
17:08But don't panic, Ted.
17:10We'll find a way through it.
17:12We've got to do something practical, something that will really help, Dougal.
17:16Wait.
17:16I have it.
17:18The Lord be with you.
17:27The Lord be with you.
17:28The last day is being offered for Father Doom McGuire.
17:33He finds himself the most trying and unfortunate situation.
17:36We pray that God will protect him from harm at this time
17:40and deliver him to safety with us.
17:44Oh, yes.
17:49They'll be peeling him off the wall for weeks to come.
17:52The past's ended.
17:53Go in peace to love and serve the Lord.
17:57Dougal, there's the roundabout.
17:59Just keep driving round and round.
18:00Everything's going to be okay.
18:02But I get dizzy.
18:03Don't get dizzy.
18:04All right, we've got to come up with a plan.
18:05Back to my house and step on it.
18:07All right, we've got to come up with a plan.
18:08Back to my house and step on it.
18:34That's the idea.
18:35It's the best we've had, Ted.
18:37Another Mass.
18:38That's our best idea.
18:41I thought the other one went very well.
18:45Dougal needs help, not a Mass.
18:47There's a time for Mass and a time for action.
18:49And this is a time for action.
18:56Is there anything to be said for seeing another Mass?
19:00Just a small...
19:03Oh, God, I love saying Mass.
19:06Jim and his Mass is...
19:07There was a time a few years ago
19:09when we were at the Moscow Olympics
19:11with Sean Gray the Roar.
19:13This is a great story.
19:15We don't have time!
19:17It won't take a second.
19:18For God's sake, I'll just shut up
19:20and help me come up with a practical solution.
19:22Tea for everyone.
19:24Father Beeching, biscuit or cake?
19:28Biscuit or cake?
19:29For God's sake, hurry up, man!
19:35Biscuit, no cake!
19:39I've seen the damage a bomb can do
19:41to blow your face into the side of a tree.
19:47Well, it worked for them
19:50and they saved hundreds of lives.
19:52We only have to save one.
19:54That was different.
19:56The Towering Inferno was a big building that caught fire.
20:00You can't apply the same criteria
20:01to rescuing a priest from an explosive milk float.
20:04And besides, they had Paul Newman and Steve McQueen.
20:07Good almighty, it's so long since I've seen it
20:10I forgot Steve McQueen was in it.
20:12Wait!
20:12I've got it!
20:13The Poseidon Adventure!
20:15What?
20:16Gene Hackman plays a priest in it!
20:18Well, that was no help at all.
20:41He didn't even say maths.
20:44Con, let's get down to the roundabout.
20:46We'll see if we can think of something there.
20:47Boop!
20:49Freckin' brick!
20:53Wait a minute.
20:54I've got an idea.
20:57Yes, gentlemen.
20:59Father Dougal is propelling the milk float
21:02by exerting a small amount of pressure
21:04on the accelerator.
21:05If we can replace his foot with an object
21:07that applies the same pressure
21:09then I think we can safely remove him from the vehicle.
21:12You mean...
21:13Yes.
21:14We put the brick on the accelerator.
21:17Dougal!
21:22Ah!
21:23I've got a plan
21:25but you're going to have to trust me.
21:26Ted, I want to be a priest again.
21:28And you will be, Dougal.
21:29It's not really your type of thing, is it?
21:31No, I don't like this job at all.
21:33All right.
21:33When I say step off the milk float,
21:35you step off the milk float.
21:37All right?
21:37Just brace yourself
21:38and keep saying
21:39I want to be a priest again.
21:40I want to be a priest again.
21:41I want to be a priest again.
21:43I want to be a priest again.
21:44I want to be a priest again.
21:46Step off the milk float, Dougal.
21:50Ted!
21:51You forgot to have bread.
21:52Put it back!
21:53Put it back!
21:54Run, Dougal!
21:55Breathe!
22:07Ha ha ha ha!
22:11Ha ha ha!
22:12Ha ha ha!
22:13Oh, yes.
22:15I'm afraid you messed with the wrong milk man, Father.
22:17Well, if you don't mind, I'm off.
22:20Better get out the earplugs, Father.
22:23Because when that milk float goes up,
22:26then you'll hear it
22:27all the way to the north.
22:29Ha ha ha!
22:43There you are, Dougal.
22:44Thanks, Ted.
22:45Are you sure you don't want any milk in it?
22:47Oh, no, no, no.
22:48I think I'll stay off milk for a good long while.
22:51Why did I ever want to become a milkman, Ted?
22:54You should stick to what you're good at,
22:55and I'm good at being a priest.
22:58Uh, yes.
23:00Ted, it's scary out there
23:02in the real non-priest world.
23:05Dougal, not every job's as dangerous
23:07as being a milkman.
23:08Anyway, good night.
23:09Good night, Ted.
23:10Those women were in the nip!
23:30Oh, my God!
23:55Oh, my God.
24:25Oh, my God.
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