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00:00MUSIC
00:08Bonjour, je suis Charlie.
00:23A vous regardé Weekly Wipe, une émission sur ce qu'il se passe,
00:26des choses comme celle-ci.
00:28Former Home Secretary Leon Britton died,
00:30prompting a nationwide rumour-mongering contest.
00:33There were so many horrific allegations about him,
00:35the government's vowed to collate them all into some sort of dossier
00:37and then lose it.
00:39There was disgrace as the consecration of the highest profile female bishop
00:43since Madge in Neighbours was interrupted.
00:45No, not in the Bible.
00:48The protester shouted it wasn't in the Bible,
00:50just like bishops, cathedrals, stained-glass windows,
00:53Christmas carols and the Bible, which isn't in the Bible either.
00:56She's called Libby Lane, which sounds like a porn name,
00:59but she's not a porn, she's a bishop,
01:01which means she can now move diagonally.
01:03There were triumphant scenes in Greece
01:04as Antonio Banderas won a surprise victory.
01:07Sirius' logo looks a bit Microsoft Windows,
01:10which seems appropriate for a country that keeps crashing.
01:12More of that sort of thing in a bit,
01:14but first, we often bemoan the fact that this show starts its run during January,
01:17because usually very little happens in January,
01:19but this year, events emerge snarling straight out of the gate.
01:28Horror on the streets of Paris.
01:30An Islamist massacre at a magazine leaves 12 dead and a nation in shock.
01:342015 had hardly begun
01:36when a shocking Islamist terror atrocity took place in France.
01:40News channels were suddenly plastered
01:41with three days of horror and bloodshed
01:43ending in a coordinated police assault.
01:45It left the world reeling.
01:47For a while, an outpouring of shock and sympathy
01:49led to a show of unity,
01:50with people all around the globe
01:51proudly declaring Je suis Charlie.
01:54And I don't want to sound like a hipster here,
01:55but I was saying Je suis Charlie
01:57back when I was 11 years old in French class.
01:59A huge demonstration took place in Paris,
02:02with people of all creeds and colours coming together as one,
02:05as well as an entire Panini album's worth of prominent leaders
02:08showing their support in scenes closely resembling
02:10the world's most depressing can-can.
02:12But would all this inspirational, hippy-dippy unity last?
02:15No.
02:17Of course, what the terrorists want
02:18is for atrocities like this to goad everyone
02:20into picking up the same mental polarising goggles they use,
02:24which divide the world into simple clumps of goodies and baddies.
02:27In reality, of course, the world isn't black and white,
02:29more like Fifty Shades of Grey,
02:30a punishing story in which everything and everyone is f***ed.
02:34Across the ocean, the bombastic Fox News
02:36was already wearing simple polarising goggles of its own.
02:39We are being hunted,
02:40so how would you like for us to be protected?
02:42What message do you want to send?
02:42I think the best thing that Americans can do
02:44is arm themselves.
02:46Me too.
02:46How can Americans arm themselves more than they already are?
02:49What are they going to do?
02:50Glue guns to the end of their guns?
02:52Sometimes bad guys don't look like bad guys.
02:54Right, and that's my question about these guys,
02:56because if we know they were speaking unaccented French
02:58and they had, you know, ski masks on,
03:00do we even know what colour they were,
03:01what the tone of their skin was?
03:03I mean, what if they didn't look like typical bad guys?
03:05Well, it's simple.
03:05You just don't open fire
03:06till you've identified them as bad guys
03:08from your handy pocket-sized skin-tone chart of evil.
03:11It's also available as an app.
03:13Hello and welcome to Justice.
03:14I'm Judge Jeanine Pirro.
03:16Thanks for being with us tonight.
03:18We need to kill them.
03:20What?
03:21We need to kill them.
03:23What, you and me?
03:24How are we going to do that?
03:26Bomb them, bomb them,
03:28and bomb them again.
03:30Ironically, this is a bit like being radicalised
03:33by an ideological hate preacher
03:34in a slickly produced video.
03:36Some commentators weren't just concerned
03:38about Islamic terrorists,
03:39but the whole of Islam,
03:40claiming the Islamification of Europe
03:43had gone too far,
03:44and it's time we drew a veil over it,
03:45then removed that veil and banned it.
03:48Fox News raised eyebrows
03:49by erroneously claiming
03:50Paris contains Islam-only no-go zones,
03:53then raised them even further
03:54with an astonishing exclusive
03:56revealing Britain's got no-go cities.
03:58In Britain, it's not just no-go zones.
04:01There are actual cities like Birmingham
04:03that are totally Muslim,
04:05where non-Muslims just simply don't go in.
04:08Yeah, Birmingham, phoo, halal on earth.
04:10Other religions don't even get a look in.
04:12There's only half a dozen Hindus.
04:14They're known as the Birmingham Sikhs.
04:17Of course, the police have been
04:18investigating Birmingham for decades.
04:20As this intriguing film proves,
04:22TV's Kojak was investigating the place
04:24back in 1981.
04:25Right in the express elevator
04:27to the top of one of the city's highest buildings,
04:30this is the view that nearly took my breath away.
04:32God, look at that.
04:33Mosques and minarets as far as the eye can't see.
04:36Still away from Birmingham,
04:37you can't even trust the cops,
04:39as the Foxbird explained.
04:40Parts of London,
04:42there are actually Muslim religious police
04:44that actually beat and actually wound,
04:48seriously,
04:50anyone who doesn't dress
04:51according to religious Muslim attire.
04:55Yeah, and you know where those Islamic police are based?
04:58Scotland jihad.
05:00Anyway, as well as no-go zones that weren't there,
05:02questions were also raised
05:03about average everyday Muslims
05:04who didn't have anything to do with this.
05:06What did they have to do with this?
05:07Well, to find out,
05:08I've got one in the studio with me now.
05:10So, hey,
05:11representing all Muslims as you do,
05:12when are you lot going to do more
05:13to condemn the violence?
05:15Well, for some time now,
05:17many Muslims have spoken out
05:18against this type of violence.
05:19I can't hear you.
05:20Well, I'm actually trying to explain-
05:21I suppose I can take this as tacit approval.
05:23Tacit approval, everyone.
05:25In a bid to promote harmony,
05:27government Sontar and Eric Pickles
05:28tried to tackle extremism
05:29by writing a letter urging Muslims
05:31to do all they could
05:32to distance themselves from extremism.
05:34Trouble was,
05:34he couldn't find an address
05:35for the jihadi psychopath council
05:37and instead wrote to every mosque in Britain.
05:40The Muslim council had a problem
05:41with who the letter targeted.
05:43Why are the Muslim community
05:44being singled out?
05:45Cameron said people
05:46who had a problem with the letter
05:47were the problem.
05:48And anyone, frankly,
05:49reading this letter
05:50who has a problem with it,
05:52I think really has a problem.
05:54And the news decided to find out
05:55if it was a problem
05:56for people who hadn't even read it yet
05:57because they'd been invited on
05:59to discuss something else.
06:00Do you think Mr Pickles
06:01is patronising the Muslim community?
06:04Well, I have to confess,
06:05I haven't read the letter myself.
06:07What are you doing in politics?
06:08Come on, everyone's talking about it.
06:10It's the middle of the afternoon
06:11and you still haven't read this.
06:12I don't think you're being terribly fair.
06:14Your viewers can make their own decision.
06:15So you're not going to speak
06:15until you get the party line right.
06:16OK, well, we'll have to end it there.
06:18Shadow Business Secretary,
06:19thank you very much indeed.
06:20Ah, well done.
06:22Another victory for division and hatred.
06:25Of course, the Paris atrocity
06:27wasn't just an attack on specific humans,
06:29but more widely on freedom of speech.
06:31It proved the pen may be mightier than the sword,
06:33but falters in round two
06:34when up against the Kalashnikov.
06:36Charlie Hebdo was an outspoken critic
06:37of more or less everything,
06:39every religion, including Islam,
06:40and had caused controversy in the past
06:42by featuring cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad,
06:44something it defiantly did again.
06:46It was the most controversial cartoon
06:48since Scrappy-Doo,
06:49and it caused the news media a real problem.
06:52Should they show the cover
06:53or not show the cover?
06:54The end result was a game
06:55of cartoon Prophet Peekaboo,
06:57where the cover was almost,
06:58but not quite, pictured in full.
07:00Instead, it was pictured being bundled up,
07:03folded over on a news agent's counter,
07:04going for a ride with its buddies,
07:06and being carried at some distance
07:08by a French Prime Minister with a death wish.
07:10Sky News had a close call live on air
07:12when a former Charlie Hebdo employee
07:14tried to show it to their cameras.
07:16We cannot show a simple drawing as that.
07:19With Mohammed at Sky News,
07:20we've chosen not to show that cover,
07:23so we would appreciate Caroline not showing that.
07:25I do apologise.
07:26Didn't realise Sky News
07:27is a non-profit organisation.
07:29Naturally, as a fearless satirical programme,
07:32we were going to show you
07:33the controversial front cover of Charlie Hebdo,
07:35but unfortunately, it's completely sold out.
07:37No, they managed to get one.
07:39Sorry?
07:40One of the runners got one.
07:41They didn't.
07:42They did.
07:42No, they didn't.
07:44Our backup plan was to print one out,
07:46but the bloody printer went and broke.
07:48Oh, no, IT fixed that.
07:49It was a bit weird, actually.
07:50Someone had wedged one of your socks into it.
07:51I hadn't.
07:52No, they didn't.
07:53Well, someone had.
07:54No, no, no.
07:55Actually, could you just fuck off,
07:56cos I'm trying to do the programme?
07:57Anyway, that's all academic,
08:00because we're waiting to hear
08:01whether we can show you it at all
08:02from the BBC legal department,
08:04and we've heard nothing,
08:05so we're powerless,
08:06thanks to those bloody cow...
08:07..those bloody cowards.
08:09Typical bleeding-heart,
08:10liberal BBC milk toasts with a...
08:12No less an authority than the Pope,
08:15pictured here in scenes resembling
08:17the world's most popular milk round,
08:18said freedom of speech should have limitations,
08:20claiming he'd knock air anyone
08:22who mocked his mum, for instance.
08:23But never mind the Pope and his horrible mother.
08:26What do young people think about freedom of speech?
08:28Well, in an effort to broaden this show's appeal,
08:30I've been commanded to give airtime
08:31to members of the YouTube community,
08:33little BBC3 bastards.
08:35So here's one, a typical vlogger.
08:37He's called Zeb,
08:39and he's worried about freedom of speech.
08:41Go, Zeb.
08:42Hi gang, Zeb here, just saying hello.
08:46Hi!
08:47So I've been kind of quiet lately,
08:49my last upload was back on Christmas Day,
08:51unboxing the presents.
08:52Oh, that is sick!
08:55I put it with the others.
08:57Obviously, since then,
08:58the world's had a crazy time couple of weeks.
09:00Something pretty awful happened in France.
09:02So I thought, come on, Zeb,
09:03what can you do to help France out?
09:05And I had a quick think,
09:07and I figured I'd do a supportive Instagram.
09:10But then I figured I could do more,
09:11add another think,
09:13and decided to do the video you're watching now.
09:16About something everyone's been talking about
09:18ever since Charlie Hebdo got shot.
09:20Freedom of speech!
09:22Okay, so freedom of speech has to be
09:24one of the most important freedoms there is.
09:26It's blatantly my top five freedoms.
09:29Sometimes I say things that other people don't like,
09:32like my video last month,
09:33where I said I still wasn't sure about Clara
09:36as a Doctor Who companion.
09:38Some of the comments underneath were really personal
09:41and frankly out of line.
09:42But I didn't shoot the people who left those comments,
09:45even though I wanted to, a lot,
09:47because I respect their freedom of speech.
09:49So why is freedom of speech so cool?
09:53I'll tell you.
09:54Reason one.
09:55Speech is like my job.
09:57Without freedom of speech,
09:58I wouldn't have you three million subscribers,
10:01which means I wouldn't have my book deal,
10:03I wouldn't be able to pay for this flat,
10:05and I'd either be destitute
10:07or have to go work alongside Dad at KPMG.
10:10Reason two.
10:11Freedom of speech doesn't cost anything,
10:13hence the word free.
10:14Think about it.
10:15Without free artistic expression,
10:16you'd actually have to pay for music
10:19or epic downloads like Guardians of the Galaxy.
10:23Reason three.
10:24Without freedom of speech,
10:25I won't be able to tell you how great, say,
10:28these new double caramel Kit Kats are.
10:30And they really are yum.
10:33Thanks, Nestle, if you're sending me these.
10:35But hey, wait.
10:37Now, I'm not saying under freedom of speech
10:39you should be able to say anything,
10:41because, hello, no, obviously not.
10:43Because then you might say a load of racist stuff,
10:46sexist stuff,
10:46just stuff that could rub people up the wrong way,
10:49like Katie Hopkins.
10:50And if you haven't signed my petition about her yet,
10:52there's a link below.
10:54You should have the freedom of speech
10:55to go on Twitter and say horrible things,
10:58but then the police should have the freedom of speech
11:00to say you're under arrest
11:01and then arrest you and put you in jail.
11:04Because that way it's all fair
11:06and everyone's free,
11:07if you think about it.
11:08Don't forget to subscribe to my channel
11:11for another cool upload every 15 seconds.
11:14Thanks for watching.
11:15Bye!
11:15Bye!
11:23Entertainment!
11:24An ITV zhuzh up the nation's weekend
11:26with bright, jangly, super-spangly Bibblecast
11:28Get Your Act Together,
11:29the show that redefines entertainment
11:31as something you pray wasn't happening
11:33and would give anything to stop.
11:35It's hosted by Stephen Mulhern,
11:36a perky visual cross between Robbie Williams
11:38and Ant and Dec.
11:40Nicely done.
11:41How are you?
11:42I've been better.
11:43Welcome to Get Your Act Together,
11:45the show which sees celebrities team up
11:46with masters from the world of entertainment.
11:49Okay, what's in it?
11:50Now, if I was to say to you,
11:51you're going to see a loose woman
11:52perform a plate-spinning act
11:54with a Vegas showman,
11:55you're going to see a rugby legend
11:56strapped from the rafters with acrobats,
11:59and Brian McFadden
12:00try to escape sudden death
12:01with Penn and Teller,
12:03you'd most probably say to me,
12:04Stephen, you're having a laugh.
12:05No, I'd say, Stephen,
12:06you're listing things
12:07I couldn't give a f*** about.
12:09The programme expertly blended
12:10high-octane front-of-house showbiz
12:12with effortlessly casual backstage chit-chat.
12:15You are going to see everything
12:16that goes on backstage
12:18and everything that's happening on stage.
12:20You all right, Charlie?
12:21Good evening, Governor.
12:22Good stuff.
12:22Enjoy the show.
12:24Classic bants.
12:25But enjoying the show
12:27meant withstanding a confusing format mash-up
12:29in which famous people
12:30were tasked with learning a new act
12:32in a few days,
12:32which meant lots of lengthy training sequences
12:35culminating in an on-stage moment of truth.
12:37Sadly, the acts were mostly underwhelming,
12:39consisting of C-grade impersonations.
12:41I don't know why they asked me.
12:42I mean, what do I know
12:43about getting men's clothes down?
12:45Sunita up a stick
12:46and a bit where a bloke
12:47hung from a belt from the ceiling,
12:49something I felt like doing
12:50several times while watching.
12:52But in case all this wasn't enough,
12:53and to be fair, it wasn't,
12:54the show was also
12:55a sort of gogglebox homage
12:56as we were forced to eavesdrop
12:58on tedious conversations
12:59held by members of the studio audience,
13:01some of them civilians
13:02with nothing to say.
13:04I thought he was blissful.
13:05While others were random celebrities
13:08with famous nothing to say.
13:10But they needed it to be together.
13:13I'm telling you,
13:14you'll be fairly pernickety,
13:15but of course you are a choreographer,
13:17amongst other things.
13:18Amongst other things.
13:19Amongst other things.
13:20The indisputed high point came
13:22as former Westlife tonsil
13:24Brian McFadden
13:25took part in an escapologist's act
13:27suspended over a bed of spikes.
13:29This is quite nerve-wracking, actually,
13:30because there's a slim chance
13:31he might live.
13:32There was this sort of
13:34Tudor soap opera thing
13:35called Wolf Hall
13:36set in Super Yesterday Times,
13:39like, properly ages ago.
13:40It was sort of like
13:41Game of Thrones
13:42without the dragons
13:43or the gory bits
13:45or the nudity
13:46or the sort of
13:47majestic sweeping shots
13:48of awe-inspiring landscapes,
13:50which meant it was all
13:52British people in weird hats
13:53just sort of talking.
13:55Emperor is the Queen's nephew.
13:57If he has the Pope,
13:59then the King's divorce petition
14:00is...
14:02It had all these
14:03famous history people in
14:04all mixed in together,
14:06like how the Avengers
14:07has the Hulk and Iron Man.
14:09This had Henry VIII
14:11and Anne Bowling
14:13and David Essex
14:14and Dick Turpin
14:15and Jimmy Savile in it.
14:17There were so many people,
14:18other characters had to stop
14:19and ask who they all were.
14:21Who is that?
14:22Who is that?
14:24Stephen Gardner,
14:25my secretary.
14:26And who is that?
14:29The main bloke spent
14:30most of his time
14:31looking sad
14:32because he had to wear
14:33this stupid uniform for work
14:34and his dad was a horse mechanic
14:36who was horrible to him.
14:37I'm a lawyer.
14:40Lawyer.
14:41I found it boring,
14:43but I wasn't sure
14:44if it was boring
14:45because it was boring
14:46or boring because it was good,
14:48like how the theatre's good
14:50but totally boring.
14:52People said it was slow,
14:53but to be fair,
14:54it was set before cars
14:56so the main bloke
14:57had to go everywhere on foot.
14:59So each time he had to be
15:00in a different place,
15:01he had to walk all the way there
15:03from wherever he'd been
15:04and he had to do it loads,
15:06like he was walking all the time.
15:08I mean, it must have been knackering.
15:09That's why he had to keep
15:10taking rests in between walks
15:12where he'd just sort of
15:13stand around looking glum.
15:15And his wife died,
15:16which was sad,
15:17and then his kids died,
15:18which was even sadder.
15:20Although,
15:21if you think about it,
15:22they only lived in olden times
15:23so it wasn't like
15:24they'd missed out on much.
15:26Like, they didn't even have chips
15:27back then,
15:28or Wi-Fi,
15:30or Mark Ronson,
15:31or Broadchurch,
15:32or like, I don't know,
15:33Hungry Hippos,
15:34or Buckaroo,
15:36or even Don't Tip the Waiter.
15:38I mean,
15:38there was nothing to do back then.
15:40They were so desperate
15:41for stuff to do
15:42that for entertainment,
15:44they had to watch people
15:44sweep stuff up
15:45or poke cobwebs
15:47or read books.
15:49It was total shithouse.
15:51So being alive
15:52must have been
15:52almost the same
15:53as being dead anyway.
15:55You know those
15:56traditional fairy tales
15:57where a young woman
15:58wonders when her prince will come?
16:00Well, this isn't
16:00anything like that.
16:03Buckingham Palace
16:04denies claims
16:05by a woman in the US
16:06that she was forced
16:07to have sex
16:07with Prince Andrew
16:08when she was underage.
16:10Yes,
16:10there were shocking
16:11allegations about Prince Andrew
16:12which the palace denied.
16:14The trouble stemmed
16:14from his former friendship
16:15with billionaire paedophile
16:16Jeffrey Epstein.
16:17Andrew raised eyebrows
16:18when he was spotted
16:19meeting Epstein
16:20in this uncomfortable picture
16:21and captured
16:22in this uncomfortable picture
16:23with his arm around
16:24the woman at the centre
16:24of the storm.
16:26And I'm really not
16:26insinuating anything
16:27but if you look closely
16:28he is sort of red-handed
16:30in this photograph.
16:32Mind you,
16:32he is royal.
16:33Maybe he's just
16:33murdered a fox.
16:35Faced with lurid headlines,
16:36the palace issued
16:37an emphatic denial
16:38followed by another
16:39even more emphatic denial
16:41just in case you hadn't
16:41caught the emphaticness
16:43of the first one.
16:44Interestingly,
16:45while the press
16:45had a field day,
16:46the TV news tended
16:47to lead on the denial
16:48rather than the accusation.
16:51Categorically untrue.
16:53Can't help thinking
16:54if this was happening
16:54to Sir Cliff
16:55instead of Prince Andrew
16:56they wouldn't have reporters
16:57standing outside the palace.
16:59They'd have a helicopter
16:59in the air
17:00filming police
17:01searching the place.
17:02Mind you,
17:02imagine how long
17:03it would take
17:03to dust Buckingham Palace
17:04for Prince.
17:06The Duke of York's reputation
17:07has suffered ups and downs
17:08before.
17:09When it was up,
17:09it was up
17:10and when it was down,
17:11it was down.
17:11And when it was only
17:12halfway up,
17:13he resigned as British
17:13trade envoy.
17:14The BBC's thrilling
17:16Top Gear show
17:16returned this week
17:17much to the delight
17:18of white men
17:19but don't worry
17:20if you missed that
17:20in every episode
17:21of Top Gear ever
17:22because cut and paste
17:23Maestro's cassette boy
17:24have distilled every episode
17:25of Top Gear ever
17:26into one easy to munch package
17:28which starts when I
17:30drop my hand
17:30onto the desk.
17:31This is a motoring show.
17:39It's very irritating
17:40and a little bit boring.
17:42To give you a taste
17:43of what you can expect,
17:45we have prepared
17:46a little montage.
17:48Can you drive a car?
17:50Driving is easy.
17:52Driving is extremely difficult.
17:54This is important.
17:56I don't like electric boot closing.
17:57Jeremy,
17:58I've had enough.
17:59Seriously.
18:00I just don't like
18:01being on Top Gear.
18:02It's awful.
18:03It's awful,
18:04you know,
18:04and I hate it.
18:05I present this entire show
18:06with two penises.
18:08It's a cop show,
18:09in essence.
18:09Alfred's!
18:15We won the war.
18:18Then you raped
18:18the other motorists.
18:21Racial stereotyping.
18:26Last week,
18:27we were running guns
18:28from Livia into Mali
18:29and fighting
18:30a traffic warden
18:31who, by the way,
18:32has just hung himself.
18:35Anyway,
18:36tonight we are having
18:37a race
18:38up the side of New Zealand
18:39from here
18:40to the prostitute's front door.
18:43Now,
18:43my guest tonight
18:44is utterly pointless.
18:46Who is it, me?
18:46Richard Hammond
18:47is a mealy-mouthed,
18:49small-minded idiot.
18:50You are sacked.
18:51You are going to be shot
18:52in front of your family.
18:54I have got a photograph
18:55of the replacement
18:56for Richard Hammond
18:57and James May.
19:00But now,
19:01the blacks.
19:02Flesch!
19:13And once upon a time,
19:14back in the days
19:14of cheerfully sexist advertising,
19:16The Sun happily paraded itself
19:18as the newspaper of choice
19:19for winners.
19:20Win £50,000
19:21on Sun
19:22two-card bingo.
19:23Win the exciting
19:24Mitsubishi's
19:25to Ryan Turbo
19:25in the meanest car
19:26on the street.
19:27And win the holiday
19:28of a lifetime
19:28with sizzling
19:29Samantha Fox
19:30six sun-kissed days
19:31and nights
19:32on a paradise island.
19:33You should be so lucky.
19:34It's all in your
19:35super soar-away sun
19:36this week.
19:37But page three
19:38created an unrealistic
19:39and unattainable image
19:40for women.
19:41Large, breasted,
19:42semi-naked,
19:42two-dimensional
19:43and made of paper.
19:45People have often said
19:45The Sun is sexist,
19:47although to be fair,
19:47it does actually cover
19:48a lot of female issues.
19:50It's even got a whole page
19:51devoted to vaginal discharge,
19:53by which I mean
19:53the outpourings of a c***.
19:55But now it seemed
19:56page three had popped its tits.
19:58The Sun
19:58is reported to be
19:59dropping its regular
20:00page three pictures
20:01of topless models.
20:03The tragic loss
20:03was great for TV news
20:05because it meant
20:05they got us draped
20:06saucy soar-away footage
20:08all over their bulletins.
20:09Although in sinister echoes
20:10of the Charlie Hebdo
20:11cover story,
20:12page three was an image
20:13so incendiary
20:14many felt compelled
20:15to hide or blur it out,
20:16thereby simulating
20:17how it might look
20:18if you visited a nudist camp
20:19while suffering from glaucoma.
20:21And yet across the news,
20:22triumphant anti-page three
20:24campaigners were claiming
20:25it wasn't the nudity
20:26they'd had a problem with.
20:27That's not the issue.
20:28The issue is,
20:29you know,
20:29page one,
20:30George Osborne's budget,
20:32page two,
20:33what's happening
20:33in Iraq or Afghanistan,
20:36page three,
20:37a woman's bare breasts.
20:38What's the problem?
20:39You can masturbate
20:39to any of those things.
20:40Former page three girls
20:41like Nicola McLean
20:42enlivened Five News
20:43by saying the whole thing
20:45was an infringement
20:45of women's freedom of breasts.
20:47And they were also asking
20:48whether racy male imagery
20:49like this
20:50was going to be clamped down
20:51on too.
20:52Can we not, you know,
20:54look at David Beckham
20:55then in his pants
20:57doing his underwear adverts
20:59with his bulge out?
21:00Yeah.
21:01But his actual testicles
21:02aren't out, are they?
21:03Yeah, well,
21:04they do have to protect readers
21:05with a nut allergy.
21:06But never mind mere women,
21:07what about planet Earth's
21:08most important inhabitants,
21:10men?
21:11The news immediately
21:11ran outside to harvest opinion
21:13from stereotypical
21:14working class
21:15sun reader blokes.
21:16And they weren't hard to find
21:17thanks to all those
21:18high-vis jackets.
21:19Are you going to stop
21:20buying the sun
21:20because they've got rid
21:21of these pictures?
21:21Definitely.
21:22What, are you going to
21:22stop buying the sun?
21:23Yeah, it's boring.
21:24Ah, come on, cheer up, love.
21:26Might never happen.
21:27Show us your bum.
21:28Oi, oi.
21:28But a few days later,
21:29Sky News was visibly stunned
21:31to discover page three
21:32wasn't as dead
21:33as the sun had never claimed
21:34it was.
21:34It's back.
21:35What?
21:37What?
21:38Yes, it turned out
21:39they weren't dropping
21:40page three after all
21:40and it reappeared
21:41with a winking,
21:42topless model
21:43and a triumphant caption
21:44mocking their critics.
21:45A sort of revenge porn.
21:46That'll teach you, eh, women?
21:48The sun's put you
21:49in your place
21:50back in your box
21:51in the kitchen
21:52under a glass ceiling
21:53that's been badly parked
21:54with your tits out.
21:56Now run along
21:57and make my dinner.
21:59She's got nothing on.
22:07Technology!
22:08And 2015 is the year
22:10Back to the Future 2
22:11promised us would resemble
22:12this eye-popping vision
22:13of the future.
22:14But the reality
22:15is even more impressive
22:16as you're about to see.
22:17You sure you're ready
22:18for this?
22:19OK?
22:20Meet tomorrow.
22:21Yes, in a bid
22:22to transform the chilling
22:23sci-fi nightmare world
22:25of Terminator
22:25into a laughable reality,
22:27the Russian military
22:27recently put a cyborg biker
22:29through its paces
22:30in astonishing scenes
22:31on Russia Today.
22:32The Russians were
22:33clearly enamoured
22:33with their mute
22:34expressionless machine man
22:36because they invited him
22:37to watch through a window
22:38as the robot rode a bike.
22:40Stig 2.0 here
22:41can do almost anything
22:42if you define anything
22:43as the ability
22:44to trundle along
22:45at eight miles an hour.
22:46But it looks certain
22:47to be a formidable foe
22:48on the battlefield
22:48of the future
22:49because nothing can stop him
22:51except maybe a spot of rain
22:52or an incline
22:53of more than four degrees
22:54or a nine-year-old boy
22:56with a magnet
22:57on a string.
22:58But all of that
22:59was nothing compared
23:00to what Microsoft unveiled
23:01during a gobsmacking launch event
23:03for Windows 10
23:04fronted by a man
23:05who didn't seem entirely real.
23:06So we invented
23:08the most advanced
23:10holographic computer
23:12the world has ever seen.
23:14Is it you?
23:16Microsoft HoloLens.
23:18Yes, this might look
23:19like a pair of groovy
23:20welding goggles
23:21but it's actually
23:22the most incredible
23:23advanced since bottled bread.
23:25Magic specs
23:25that stunningly blend
23:26computer visuals
23:27with the real world
23:28to demonstrate
23:29what it might look like
23:30if you actually had
23:31an imagination.
23:32As the glitzily
23:33terrifying promo
23:33made clear
23:34you'll soon be living
23:35in a world
23:35where you won't know
23:36what's real
23:36and what isn't
23:37which means I'm now
23:38even more convinced
23:39their front man
23:40isn't real.
23:42Especially because
23:43he sometimes made noises
23:44like he was crashing.
23:45As you just saw
23:46holograms
23:48are being sculpted
23:49by some of the
23:50most creative people
23:51around.
23:53But holograms
23:54are not just
23:55for creative people.
23:56What?
23:57But holograms
23:58are not just
23:59for creative people.
24:00Are they also
24:01for the dolphins
24:01you just tried
24:02to communicate with?
24:03It seems anyone
24:04will be able to do
24:04anything with holograms
24:05turn your living room
24:06into Minecraft
24:07explore the surface
24:08of Mars
24:09sculpt imaginary objects
24:10it's all the fun
24:11of a complete mental
24:12breakdown in a headset
24:13and it promises
24:14to utterly revolutionise
24:15the way you trip
24:16over obstacles
24:17bump into walls
24:18and accidentally
24:18molest bystanders
24:20forever.
24:20Although do be warned
24:21when it crashes
24:22you'll find yourself
24:23marooned in the blue
24:23screen of death
24:24for all eternity.
24:26Saturday marked
24:2750 years since
24:28the death of legendary
24:29Prime Minister
24:30Winston Churchill
24:31and tributes
24:31have flowed thick
24:32and fast
24:33here's one
24:33that's very much
24:34the former
24:34from our very own
24:35Philomena Kunk
24:36who joins us now
24:38for a moment of wonder.
24:521940 AD
24:53France has fallen
24:54Hitler has conquered Europe
24:56Britain is on the verge
24:58of invasion
24:58in the words of
25:00Bonnie Tyler
25:01we're holding out
25:02for a hero
25:03and unlike that song
25:04originally recorded
25:05for the film
25:06Footloose
25:06starring Kevin Bacon
25:08Britain got its hero
25:10Winston Churchill
25:12the first question is
25:14who or what
25:15is Churchill
25:16the answer is
25:17who
25:18he was born
25:20like most people
25:21and went to school
25:22but unlike most people
25:24he was also
25:25Prime Minister
25:25in black and white times
25:27which was not a moment
25:29too soon
25:29because of a war
25:30the war that would
25:31make him famous
25:32War 2
25:33War 2
25:36was like War 1
25:37but easier to understand
25:39because the baddie was better
25:40Adolf Hitler
25:41rather than mud
25:43imagine what it was like
25:45in the war room
25:46on May the something
25:471940
25:48with Hitler's invasion
25:50of France
25:51a complete success
25:52the debate
25:53was furious
25:54should Britain
25:55make peace
25:56or fight on
25:57alone
25:57although
25:59in this reconstruction
26:00no one's arguing out loud
26:02because we can't afford
26:03equity rates
26:04leading the peacemongers
26:06was Lord Halifax
26:08no one knows
26:09what he looks like
26:10so we can have anyone
26:10play him
26:11and spend the money
26:12on a half decent
26:13Churchill
26:14who wanted to keep
26:15on fighting
26:16some of Churchill's
26:18words are immortal
26:19if the British Empire
26:21and its Commonwealth
26:22last for a thousand years
26:24men will still say
26:25this was their finest hour
26:27and never in the field
26:29of human conflict
26:30was so much
26:31owed by so many
26:32to so few
26:33if he'd been alive today
26:35just imagine how good
26:37his tweets would have been
26:38I've never met Churchill
26:41so the best way
26:42to understand him
26:43is to ask someone else
26:44who never met him
26:45hello
26:45who are you
26:47my name is Dr Peter Catterall
26:49I'm reader in history
26:50at the University of Westminster
26:52why do we say
26:54Churchill won the war
26:55when we know
26:56he didn't have a proper
26:57go at it himself
26:58did he
26:58what you mean
27:00in terms of fighting
27:01yeah
27:01I mean he just sat
27:03underground in a hole
27:04didn't he
27:04smoking
27:05telling people what to do
27:06like a minicab operator
27:08well I suppose
27:09in some ways
27:10it's quite a good analogy
27:11because unless you've got
27:13someone directing
27:14the fleet
27:16the soldiers
27:18the tanks
27:19etc
27:20then similarly
27:21it's not going to work
27:22yeah
27:23Churchill was sort of
27:25out of shape
27:26wasn't he
27:26like he was
27:27quite overweight
27:28and he drank
27:29and smoked a lot
27:30he couldn't even
27:31climb a ladder
27:32could he
27:32how good a role model
27:34do you think he was
27:36really
27:36I think he would
27:39find it difficult
27:40I mean if you don't
27:41look at the fact that
27:42he won the war
27:43and indeed
27:46before the war
27:47came along
27:48he'd been out of office
27:49for ten years
27:50so
27:51politically
27:53he was in the wilderness
27:54what was he doing
27:56in the wilderness
27:56it's a metaphor
27:59he was not
28:01in the government
28:02he was on the
28:03conservative back benches
28:04why did they have
28:05the back benches
28:06in the wilderness
28:06the wilderness
28:08is a reference
28:10to the fact
28:11that he's not in office
28:12how did
28:14Winston Churchill
28:16come to invent
28:17Tippex
28:17well
28:20he didn't
28:21it's amazing
28:24to imagine
28:24that
28:25Churchill
28:25literally
28:26single-handedly
28:27stopped Germany
28:28from winning war
28:28too
28:29with his funny voice
28:30and his big cigar
28:31and then one day
28:33he just vanished
28:34nobody knows
28:35where he went
28:36next week
28:38on Moments of Wonder
28:39I'll be finding out
28:40what's the heaviest
28:40month of the year
28:41well that's about
28:46all we've got time
28:47for this week
28:47so until next time
28:48au revoir
28:49we'll be right back
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