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00:00Welcome to the Chris Gethard Show, ball-stretching spectacular.
00:04One, two, three, four!
00:13Come take a ride, come take a ride, with the weirdest guy I know.
00:18It's Wednesday night, it's Wednesday night, and out you didn't go.
00:23Chris Gethard Show, Chris Gethard Show, whoa!
00:28Chris Gethard Show, Chris Gethard Show.
00:33Thank you so much.
00:44Thank you all.
00:47Hey, thank you so much.
00:49Thank you, everybody.
00:50My name's Chris Gethard.
00:51Welcome to the Chris Gethard Show.
00:52We want to say hi to everybody watching on MNN.
00:54We want to say hi to everybody watching on the internet at thechrisgethardshow.com.
00:58We've just found out, we just tweeted before this, if you want to play Chris Gethard Show
01:01bingo along with the show, go to tcgsbingo.com.
01:05We didn't make it.
01:05Some guy just made that thing, but it's pretty cool.
01:08Call us up, 212-757-1393.
01:12Before I even explain what's happening, I want to intro all the people sitting on this panel
01:15tonight.
01:16Don Finelli, how are you, sir?
01:17Doing great.
01:18All right.
01:20Random Andrew back again.
01:21How's everything?
01:22Very good.
01:22All right.
01:23Bethany, great to see you.
01:24How are you?
01:25I'm pretty good, thanks.
01:26Shannon?
01:28I'm great.
01:29That's good, because you're going to see me in a lot of pain later.
01:32And a man I'd like to talk to, the reservoir dog himself, Murph, is here tonight.
01:35Hello, Murph.
01:36And we'll talk in a minute, but first, let's say hello to the human fish, the breakout star
01:41of the Chris Gethman Show.
01:43Human fish, human fish, easy thinking.
01:48Human fish, human fish, super fish, so mysterious.
01:54Human fish.
01:55Of course, also, thank you to the LLC for bringing us in.
01:59Bill taking over the vocal duties.
02:02So as we all know, the human fish recently emerged from the sea, always trying to figure
02:06out what's on his mind.
02:07Human fish, what's on your mind right now?
02:09Miley Cyrus versus Miles Davis.
02:13Miley Cyrus versus Miles Davis.
02:16Human fish, who wins?
02:18Miles Davis.
02:18Wow, great.
02:19Classic.
02:20Now, we should explain what's going on.
02:22So, Murph, you have brought a friend of yours to the show tonight.
02:24I have not met her yet.
02:25Yes, I made sure of that.
02:27Do you want to fill us and fill me in and the viewers in on what's happening tonight?
02:31Well, a couple of weeks ago, you asked me, you told me that you wanted to explore your
02:37submissive side.
02:38Yes.
02:38On the show.
02:39Yes.
02:40I feel like you're very self-deprecating.
02:43Yes.
02:43And you wanted a partner in that, I feel.
02:45Yeah, I wanted to force that issue.
02:47Yeah.
02:47And so, you know, so I asked around.
02:51I had a few friends.
02:51I used to work at the Museum of Sex.
02:53Great museum here in New York City.
02:55Fantastic museum.
02:56And, you know, so I had some contacts from there.
02:58So, I met a lovely young lady who was willing to come on to the show.
03:02And dominate.
03:03And take you to task.
03:04And dominate me.
03:05So, Miss Perez is here tonight.
03:07She's going to emerge when she feels like it.
03:09She's standing ominously to my right right now.
03:11Once she appears, I will be her slave.
03:13She will be my master.
03:14And I will not be allowed to do anything on this show without her permission.
03:18Here she comes.
03:19Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Miss Perez.
03:22I don't know how this is going to happen.
03:24How are you?
03:25So nice to meet you, Miss Perez.
03:27Is that how you greet your master?
03:29Is that how I...
03:30Is that how you...
03:31Is that how you're going to greet me?
03:33I've never had a master before.
03:34Well, how else would you greet a master?
03:37It's...
03:37Am I a man?
03:39Is that...
03:39No.
03:40No.
03:40Okay, so...
03:41Please forgive me, Miss Perez.
03:43Please forgive me.
03:44No, no, no.
03:44Think about it.
03:45Okay, yeah.
03:46Miss Perez, I want to thank you so much for being here.
03:48Okay.
03:49I want to thank you.
03:50What do you guys feel about that?
03:51Was that good?
03:52Oh, my God.
03:53No.
03:54No.
03:54No.
03:54Miss Perez.
03:55He's going to pay for it the whole rest of the night.
03:58I'm not making a joke.
03:59I'm so serious about it.
04:01All right.
04:01Can you take your hat off for me?
04:02I can.
04:03I have hat head, Miss Perez.
04:04It's okay.
04:05No, no, no.
04:05These people don't care.
04:07Okay, I've taken off my hat, Miss Perez.
04:09All right.
04:09Thank you so much for allowing me to take off my hat in your presence, Miss Perez.
04:13He's good.
04:14Is that good?
04:15Is that good?
04:16Yeah.
04:16I see a lot of good boys and girls, but I hear that you've been very, very bad.
04:20I am.
04:21I'm so bad, Miss Perez.
04:22So, because of that, can you do me a favor and hold on to this one?
04:25Yes, I'll do anything, Miss Perez.
04:27That's...
04:27That...
04:27Don't be nervous.
04:28I won't.
04:29It's okay.
04:29And, Miss Perez, whenever you allow it, I'd love to take calls from our viewers.
04:32Okay.
04:33All right.
04:33Are you going to keep on talking or are you going to let me talk?
04:36Is that...
04:37Is this your show?
04:39Because it's not your show for the rest of the night.
04:41You know that, right?
04:41I'm a piece of shit.
04:42It's your show, Miss Perez.
04:44Well, I'm glad you're self-deprecating because that's fine.
04:47This is going to go on you for the rest of the night, okay?
04:49You're now mine, okay?
04:51Yes, my master.
04:54From now on, from now on, you're going to refer to me as Miss Perez.
05:00Miss Perez, yes, Miss Perez.
05:01You're going to ask me for permission to do everything and anything.
05:04If you need to sneeze, you're going to ask me.
05:06Yes, Miss Perez.
05:07Okay?
05:09Yes.
05:09This show...
05:09Oh, okay.
05:11Now, Miss Perez, may I ask you a question?
05:13Yes, you may.
05:14Okay.
05:14Good.
05:14Because I want to respect you.
05:16I don't want to be a complete asshole like Chris Gethard.
05:19Okay.
05:20So, I'm going to go ahead.
05:23I'm going to take a call because there's someone calling from India.
05:25Okay.
05:26Oh, India.
05:26Yeah.
05:27Fun.
05:27Okay.
05:27Mimi from India, you're on the line.
05:29Woo!
05:33Hi, Mimi.
05:36Miss Perez, may I speak to you?
05:38Yes.
05:39Hi, Mimi.
05:39You're on the show.
05:41Hey, Chris.
05:42Can you hear me?
05:43I can.
05:44Miss Perez is allowing me to hear you.
05:46Yeah.
05:47I can barely hear you.
05:49Okay.
05:49How's India treating you?
05:50Normally, you're here with a hula hoop on.
05:52Yeah, I am hooping every day, and I'm thinking of you each time.
05:57I can't wait to be back, and we're visiting a lot of Indian temples here, and I'm sending
06:04you good vibrations from India, which I understand that you may hear more than ever.
06:11Thank you, Mimi.
06:12We miss you.
06:13We can't wait to see you back at the show.
06:15My master, I think, is telling me I have to get off the phone now.
06:18Mimi, you're going to get me in a lot of trouble.
06:22Thank you for the call, Mimi.
06:23Bye, Mimi.
06:24I'm so sorry that took longer than you wanted, Miss Perez.
06:26No, no, no, it's okay.
06:27All right, so first, bye, Mimi.
06:29Did you say bye, Mimi?
06:30Bye, Mimi.
06:31Okay.
06:32All right, well, for the rest of the night, as we mentioned, you're going to be asking
06:37me to do everything and anything, correct?
06:39Correct, correct.
06:40Okay, and if you guys hear him say something or do something without my permission, I want
06:45you guys to make the most obnoxious sound you possibly can, okay?
06:48So that that alerts me, because sometimes I may be having fun with one of these guys.
06:52And I won't be paying much attention.
06:54So, just make a really loud, obnoxious sound, and then he'll have to pay for it.
07:02He's going to be paying the entire night, so, you know, there's no pressure on you.
07:06You will be getting entertained, so, you guys all right with that?
07:10Yeah!
07:11All right, and I hear we're going to have some callers, so if anybody has any suggestions
07:15at home, call us.
07:17All right, and we'll all talk.
07:19All right.
07:20So, you're in here, where?
07:22Yeah, yeah, yeah, why don't you give us a call?
07:24Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
07:27Yeah, yeah, yeah, why don't you give us a call?
07:30Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
07:32I'm so sorry the band interrupted you, Ms. Perez.
07:35No.
07:36Oh, no, you didn't ask to talk, right?
07:39Is that how it works?
07:41I think the punishment is going.
07:41You fucked up already!
07:43Oh, God!
07:44Do you already know what's coming?
07:47I have no idea.
07:49Oh, what kind of...
07:50Face that way, put your feet to her...
07:51Face that way?
07:52Put my...
07:53Put her face, put your face to her feet.
07:54My face...
07:55Oh, at Shannon's feet.
07:56Okay.
07:56All right.
07:57All right.
07:58Scooch over a little bit.
08:01And every time you fuck up, there are going to be some repercussions.
08:03Okay?
08:04Thank you, Ms. Perez.
08:05You fucked up.
08:06It's not even been five minutes until the show.
08:09You're already fucked up.
08:10So, this is what's going to happen.
08:11Put your ass up a little bit more in the air.
08:13Scooch over.
08:14You're too fucking close.
08:15I'm sorry, Ms. Perez.
08:17All right.
08:18Oh, God.
08:19Before we continue with this, we're going to have a safe word.
08:23All right?
08:23Everyone all right with that?
08:24Yes.
08:25Yes, Ms. Perez.
08:26If I get a little crazy, because sometimes, you know, shit gets crazy, and I don't really
08:30focus on what I'm doing at the moment, we're going to have a safe word.
08:35Is it understood?
08:37Yes, Ms. Perez.
08:38Does that hurt?
08:39It does not hurt, Ms. Perez.
08:40Okay.
08:40I didn't think so.
08:41Not yet, anyway.
08:42All right.
08:44So, when it becomes too much, and you want to be a little pussy, and you don't want to,
08:48you know, you don't want to go all the way, you're going to say your safe word.
08:52And your safe word is going to be baby dick.
08:56Okay?
08:57And you're going to scream it, because sometimes, I'm not going to be able to hear you.
09:03Okay, I will scream it.
09:04I will scream the safe word, Ms. Perez.
09:06All right.
09:07What?
09:07Does he have to scream again?
09:08I want to, can I ask him, can I ask him to say it again?
09:10Say it.
09:11Baby dick.
09:12Louder.
09:13Baby dick.
09:14Louder.
09:15Baby dick, Ms. Perez.
09:17All right.
09:19That's a good boy.
09:21Thank you, Ms. Perez.
09:22All right.
09:22Can I ask you a question?
09:24Yes.
09:25Uh, what, is there like a, like if someone says a, like, if someone says the safe word,
09:31like, too much, you know, like, then, like, they're ultimately not letting you dominate
09:36them.
09:37Because they're just like, baby dick, baby dick, baby dick.
09:39Well, if you, if you want to keep on saying it, and you want to interrupt me, then that,
09:43that's inviting a little bit of, you know, that's, yeah, that's inviting a little bit.
09:47I'm sorry for cutting in.
09:48Can I cut in?
09:50Okay.
09:53It's like adding fuel to the fire.
09:54It doesn't mean anything anymore.
09:56I'm done.
09:58What else?
09:58You have controlled all of us, Ms. Perez.
10:01Oh, is that understood?
10:02If everyone nods, then I'll, okay.
10:04No, I don't, I don't know if I want you to control it.
10:07I'm okay with it.
10:08I, I, I just want to respect you, because I want you to really take this guy to pass.
10:11Yeah.
10:12Because he does deserve it.
10:13He's earned it.
10:13He's earned it.
10:14Well, I've heard that you guys have some grievances.
10:16Oh, yeah.
10:17So, I mean, do, you want to go down the line and discuss a few things that have fixed you
10:21off?
10:21Absolutely.
10:22Can we, there may be, like, there might be an order that we're supposed to go into,
10:25so can we give Gethard permission to tell us if there's an order?
10:29Oh, yeah.
10:30Go ahead.
10:31I have permission, Ms. Perez?
10:32Yes, you do.
10:32Bethany, why don't you air your grievances first?
10:38Okay.
10:39Oh, my God.
10:41Oh, my God.
10:42You, hello, hello.
10:44What the fuck was that?
10:45Get down.
10:47Did I ask you to get up?
10:49Sorry.
10:50I'm so, so sorry.
10:51So sorry.
10:52Now, would you make sure it's barking?
10:55It does air a little bit more, Ms. Perez.
10:56It's up.
10:57I'm sorry.
10:57You see what happens when you fuck up?
10:58Yes, yes, I'm sorry.
11:00You're embarrassing me.
11:00I'm sorry.
11:01You're under my guidance, and you're embarrassing me from all these people.
11:05Please forgive me, Ms. Perez.
11:06I didn't mean to embarrass you.
11:07All right.
11:08This is so real, Ms. Perez.
11:09Shut the fuck up.
11:13Shut the fuck up and let her talk.
11:14Go ahead.
11:15Yes, Ms. Perez.
11:16Okay.
11:20Dear Ms. Perez.
11:22Yes.
11:23Gethard has subjected me to witness more pain than any other living person.
11:27Over the past three years, I've watched him get shot with paintballs, be electrocuted,
11:33eat things that human beings don't eat, pee in his pants, use himself as a crane,
11:39and subject himself to multiple ass-whippings by people that are much bigger than him.
11:45And that's just the...
11:45You are moving way too much.
11:48That's just the physical trauma that he subjects himself to.
11:52And I don't like watching mean things.
11:54There was a time when Gethard tricked me into believing that he was stuck alone on the highway
12:00without medication, and I had explosive diarrhea for hours because I was so worried.
12:06I did, Ms. Perez.
12:07I did do all those things.
12:09Oh, that's so fucked up.
12:10You're going to pay for that.
12:12She's so sweet.
12:12I made myself sick because I was so worried about him.
12:16And it's cruel of him to consistently make me witness things that make me uncomfortable.
12:22I'm from Richmond.
12:23You're on the air.
12:25What's up, Brooks?
12:28Hello?
12:28Hey, Brooks.
12:29You're on the air.
12:30What's going on?
12:31Hey, I'd like to talk about the time I had an opportunity to dominate George Lucas and
12:36fail to follow through.
12:37Talk about it.
12:38What?
12:38Okay, we'll try this.
12:40Go ahead.
12:41All right.
12:43So StarWars.com a couple of years ago used to charge its members for premium content.
12:49We're talking videos, message board access, blogs, and the like.
12:53The service got so big that they had to bring on volunteer moderators.
12:58Being a large and a known member of the community, I was tapped for this honor.
13:03And as an 18-year-old with no accountability, I was given control over tens of thousands
13:09of accounts that I paid $30 to use this service.
13:14I could block them out at any time.
13:17Which is bad.
13:18But then later it dawned on me that not only was it bad and the users would be pissed off,
13:22it would reflect bad on Lucasfilm licensing, which in turn would reflect bad on George Lucas.
13:26So with the click of a couple of mouses, I could have pissed off tens of thousands, if
13:31not hundreds of thousands of his fans.
13:33Wow.
13:34And I'm not saying I would have ruined Star Wars, but I really could have put a hurt
13:39You're on the brink of ruining Star Wars.
13:42It's also a pretty bold statement.
13:44It is.
13:45Brooks, speaking of Jar Jar Binks, I think we have Jar Jar Gethard returning.
13:53A bit of a creature.
13:54Someone has turned into a creature.
13:55So, Brooks, thank you for your call and for airing that.
14:00And you're calling in.
14:02I think we're going to...
14:03All right.
14:05Jeff has taken his shirt off and his pants.
14:07Too many clothes on.
14:08Right.
14:08And you're going to pay for poor and random Andrew.
14:11Okay.
14:12Yes, Ms. Perez.
14:13All right.
14:14Okay.
14:14No.
14:16No.
14:16Remember what the safe word was?
14:18Anybody know what the safe word was?
14:20It's baby dick.
14:22It's baby dick.
14:22Again?
14:23Baby dick.
14:24One more time.
14:26Baby dick.
14:27Yeah.
14:28Ms. Perez.
14:28Ah.
14:32What's that?
14:32What?
14:33What was that?
14:34Ms. Perez, you're doing an amazing job of hitting my actual asshole.
14:39Ms. Perez, your aim is amazing.
14:41Ms. Perez, I'm so sorry.
14:43Oh, this is so real.
14:44I'm sorry.
14:45I didn't...
14:45I'm sorry.
14:46I'm sorry.
14:46I'm sorry.
14:48You guys, no.
14:48Sorry who?
14:50I'm sorry, Ms. Perez, my master.
14:53Who are you apologizing for?
14:54I'm sorry, random Andrew.
14:55I left you out to dry.
14:57I hung you out to dry.
14:58I'm so sorry about it.
14:59I don't feel good about it.
15:01All right.
15:02One more.
15:02And we're going to do one more.
15:03One more.
15:04Yeah.
15:05All right.
15:07Thank you, Ms. Perez, for punishing me.
15:09All right.
15:10Now I need somewhere to rest my legs, so I'm back.
15:14Oh, is that how we were sitting before?
15:17Do you want another one?
15:19No.
15:19No, not at all.
15:20Are you confused?
15:21Are you okay?
15:22I am.
15:22I'm very thrown by things, Ms. Perez.
15:24Yes.
15:24Okay.
15:25Ms. Perez.
15:26Yeah.
15:28We have our musical guest coming up.
15:31And I think it would be great if Chris had to.
15:35Are you asking for permission?
15:36Yeah, I would like if you could give him permission to introduce them.
15:40Yeah.
15:40Are you ready?
15:41Can I put in a request?
15:42Yeah.
15:42He has to look at the floor when he does it.
15:44Okay.
15:47Go ahead, Chris.
15:48Should I do that from here or from standing, Ms. Perez, wherever you command me to be?
15:51From there.
15:53Ladies and gentlemen, I want everybody up and dancing.
15:55I've been very excited these guys are coming on the show for a while now.
15:58Super, super talented guys, international sex icons, and Grammy-nominated hip-hop sensations.
16:05Get up, let's dance, and show some love for the one, the only, the Buckwheat Grote.
16:09Woo!
16:09Woo!
16:10Woo!
16:12Buckwheat, Buckwheat, Buckwheat, Buckwheat.
16:15Woo!
16:17Yeah!
16:18Yeah!
16:19How's it going, Eminem 4?
16:21Eminem Studios, we this motherfucker.
16:24What's good?
16:24I'm a little dinky.
16:26You can call me Def Janules.
16:28And my name's Penis Bailey the Bailey.
16:30Please say the Bailey.
16:31And on any given weekday afternoon
16:33Come around 3 o'clock
16:353.30
16:36You know exactly where to find Bailey and Dickie
16:39Let's get it all, y'all
16:41Last name Bailey
16:43First name Penis
16:44Being Dickie at the mall
16:46Boy, that's probably where you've seen us, butter
16:48We ain't shopping for no shoes and clothes
16:50We perusing the rules for only one thing
16:53An asshoes
16:54I'm creeping up in Abercrombie and Fitz
16:57I'm all in Victoria's Secret
16:58About to find me a bitch
17:00Plus I'm peeping Darius and Claire's
17:02I'm at this chick in Aeropostale
17:05She touched my wang in the Build-A-Van
17:07Up in the food court
17:08I see you pop that free sample in your mouth
17:11Teat sample in your blouse
17:13Intuned to it myself
17:14But you already heard of me
17:16Now I'ma take you to Destination Maternity
17:19Let me give you pleasure, honey bun
17:22We can shop at Wilson's
17:23We'll buy shit at Forever 21
17:25I'm slamming emo chicks at Hot Topic
17:28Our dick's a Hot Topic
17:30The ladies never wanna hop off it
17:32Girl
17:35Gather round and let me talk to y'all
17:37Cause you know it's gon' be off the wall
17:40Cause you know it's gon' be off the wall
17:41Ooh, ooh
17:45Girl
17:46Just wait until that top of the wall
17:50Grab your handle on my cock and balls
17:53I'ma take it to the shopping mall
17:56Yeah, yeah
17:57It's Lil' Blinky
17:59But you can call me Demgenials
18:01Every time I hit the mall
18:02I cause her sex, yeah
18:04I seen Shorty up in Claire
18:06She was near tears
18:07She ain't have a parent signature
18:09Get it, it is, it is
18:10What up, baby?
18:11I'm the man that you sent for
18:13You know I'm down to put the pen to that consent form
18:16What's her favorite store?
18:18We could have a spending streak
18:19Me?
18:20I'm a VIP
18:21Yeah, Delia's in Chimberia
18:22Yeah
18:23She was into me
18:24Uh-huh
18:24Making silly faces
18:26Silly bands on her wrist
18:27Match the bands on her faces
18:29Up in Macy's on some hair, baby
18:31Try it on
18:32What's wrong?
18:33My mom would never let you love me
18:35Oh, I ain't your mom
18:36I'm a grown
18:37I'm a true thug
18:38I'll buy you all the lingerie
18:40Your parents don't approve of
18:42Don't make some room up in your bed
18:43Next to your teddy bear
18:45Fuck, we grow
18:46So shopping mall, Debonair
18:48Girl
18:49Gather round and let me talk to y'all
18:53Cause you know it's gonna be off the wall
18:56When I take it, I'ma take it to the shopping mall
18:59Yeah
19:00Girl
19:01Just wait until that top comes off
19:06Rub your hand up on my cock and ball
19:09When I take it, I'ma take it to the shopping mall
19:12Yeah, yeah
19:13I'm holding shit down at this mall like Paul Blart
19:16I'm big shit, man
19:18You knew just a small part
19:19We got these bitches open like cars from Hallmark
19:22Fuck, we broke, motherfuckers
19:25Fall hard
19:26Boom
19:26Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
19:30Yeah
19:31You know what, you know what
19:32Yeah
19:33Y'all know we like them young
19:35Before we let y'all pigeonhole us
19:37No, I cannot help but notice
19:38That there is a very pretty older woman
19:40Right here in the front row
19:41Oh, I see that
19:42Oh, you looking good tonight
19:44It's not like we just spoke them young girls, man
19:46What's your name, ma?
19:48Dawn
19:48Dawn
19:48Why don't you come up here, Dawn?
19:50Why don't you come up here, Dawn?
19:53We got a song we wrote
19:54We got a little song we wrote
19:55We got a song we wrote
19:56Especially for you, Dawn
19:56People of the Elder Persuasion
19:58All right, listen up, ma
19:59You ready?
20:02Yo, when I see a lady doing 25 and a 80
20:05Broad day with the brights on
20:06That's who I got my sights on
20:08You heard I only fuck with younger women?
20:09Ma, hardly
20:10I got some hoes enrolled in AARP
20:13A bad bitch on that Medicare part
20:15Beat post-menopausal
20:17But she knows how to party
20:18Early bird special with my special old bird
20:20Ciroc with the prune juice
20:22We getting so swerved
20:23Freaking the bad shit
20:24I can't even mention
20:26I fuck it till she lose her mind
20:27Dementia
20:28Oh, shit
20:29Oh, oh, oh, oh
20:31Can you tell y'all
20:34I'm trying to have a baby with a baby boomer
20:36You heard I like septuagenarians
20:37It's not a rumor
20:38And let me take you out to Danny's mom
20:40I'm trying to have some face time
20:41I like the way your titties stretch down to your waistline
20:44I kind of like the way you're balling just a little bit
20:46I'm mixing denture solution because I'm considerate
20:49I'm trying to get to know you
20:50I think that we can be friends
20:52Take you to my crib and I'll pull off your deep pens
20:54Oh, oh, shit
20:56Give it up for Dawn
20:58Oh, baby
20:59Dawn is so real
21:00How you doing tonight?
21:01Sometimes you just end up surrounded by beautiful women
21:04It's all love here tonight
21:06How you feeling, Channel 67?
21:08Give it up, let me in
21:10Give it up for Dawn
21:14Give it up for Violet
21:15Thank you
21:16Thank you
21:18Thank you
21:18Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
21:20How y'all doing tonight?
21:23We appreciate you all
21:24May I speak, Miss Perez?
21:27Yes, ma'am
21:27Ladies and gentlemen, the buckwheat groats
21:29Full of surprises
21:31Thank you so much
21:33Thank all of you for being here
21:34We'll see more of you guys later on in the show
21:37This is already by far the most sexual show
21:39In the history of the Chris Getty Show
21:42Thank you for allowing me to speak, Miss Perez
21:44Hot mics
21:44Hot
21:45There's a lot of bone rooms after that
21:47I can come on that side
21:49Thank you, Miss Perez
21:49Miss Perez, do we have permission to take any more phone calls?
21:53Yeah, but while you're doing that massage machine
21:55Yes, Miss Perez
21:56In the meantime, is Steven from Manhattan on the line?
22:00Yes, it is
22:00Hello, Steven, how?
22:02Hi, Steven!
22:03You asked if you could take a call on the phone
22:05I apologize, Miss Perez, I apologize
22:06Hi, Steven!
22:09How you doing?
22:10I'm well, how are you?
22:12I'm doing good
22:13Is that how you massage?
22:14It seemed like you had a nice foot rub there
22:16I'm sorry
22:17Steven, do you have any grievances that you want to air?
22:21Yes, as you know, I have a huge foot fetish
22:23And I was wondering, do you do any foot sessions?
22:26Do a what?
22:28Foot sessions
22:29A foot session, we'll talk
22:31Yeah, like foot sniffing and all that
22:34Do you have a grievance against Chris here?
22:38Well, yeah, I want him to see if you can have him, like, make him worship your feet
22:43What?
22:45Are you worshiping my feet?
22:46He's only massaging, he's not quite worshiping
22:47May I speak?
22:48That's a request, not a grievance, Steven
22:50Steven, I'm currently massaging the beautiful, wonderful feet of my master, Miss Perez
22:54Yeah, that's, yeah
22:56Steven, are you enjoying hearing, are you watching the show right now?
23:02Oh, yes I am, yes
23:04Oh, well, are you enjoying my beautiful feet?
23:07Yeah, I wish you were barefooted
23:08Oh, wow
23:10I wish I was too, but I like my black stockings
23:13Do you have any grievances?
23:15What color do you like to paint your nails?
23:16I'm sorry?
23:17What color do you like to paint your nails?
23:19They're red
23:20Like a red color?
23:22Yeah
23:22Steven, is your dick in your hand right now?
23:27Because if it is, it's okay
23:31Yeah, we just want to know
23:33We just want to know if we're going to start charging you or not
23:34Yeah
23:35So you got sex call
23:37All right, Steven, that was great, man
23:38Yeah, that was great
23:38Thank you so much for calling in
23:41All right, man
23:41Thank you
23:42Finish it up, Steven
23:43Yeah, finish it up
23:43Let's go, let's go to Seth from Denver
23:47Seth from Denver, how are you doing?
23:50Oh, he's not here
23:51Seth?
23:53Seth?
23:53Seth, tell your friend
23:54Hello
23:54Hey, Seth, what's on?
23:56You're on the Chris Gethard Show, what's up?
24:00Um, yeah, I had a question for the human fish
24:03All right
24:04Great
24:04Yeah, I can't hear you that well
24:08It's all right, ask the question
24:09Ask your question, Steven
24:11I mean, Seth
24:12May I speak, Ms. Press?
24:15Seth, go ahead and ask your question for the fish
24:17So for the human fish, is it the Broncos versus the Patriots?
24:22Hmm
24:22Broncos versus the Patriots, human fish
24:25The Broncos
24:26Oh
24:27The fish is a Christian man
24:31All right
24:33All right
24:34He's as simple as the fish
24:36That's right
24:36It is, John
24:37Seth, do you have any grievances against Chris Gethard?
24:43Uh, yeah
24:44So I just started watching the show today
24:47Oh
24:47Because I heard you on NPR
24:48And, uh
24:50The past two episodes were horrible
24:52Well, Chris
24:56You had a horrible show
24:57So if anybody's out there just watching this one
25:00Start in the middle
25:01Because they're actually really funny
25:02Ms. Press
25:04May I answer?
25:06Yes, you may
25:06Thank you
25:07I also, I also really like your book
25:13And, uh
25:14Your bit on, um
25:15This American life
25:17It was really good
25:18Ms. Press
25:19May I answer?
25:20Yes, you may
25:21Seth, thank you so much
25:22But we've got to move on from your call
25:24Okay
25:25Should we
25:27Should I read my grievance real quick?
25:29Well, actually
25:30I have
25:31I have a
25:32A bit of a grievance
25:33You, uh
25:34You called out my boy, uh
25:35George, um
25:37George Pierre, right?
25:38I
25:39Ms. Press
25:39May I answer?
25:40Yes
25:41I have recently challenged
25:42Welterweight UFC champion
25:44George St. Pierre
25:44To fight me on the Chris Gethard show
25:46What you say is true
25:48Well
25:49By the end of this show
25:51You're gonna wish
25:52That I was him
25:53Bend over
25:54I just thought about that
25:57You fucked up saying that
25:59By the way
25:59Sorry, Ms. Press
26:00Oh
26:01This again?
26:02Yeah
26:03Did you think it was gonna end with the first time?
26:07Did you
26:08Did you think it was gonna
26:09I asked you a question
26:10I did not think that, Ms. Press
26:11I'm sorry
26:11It took me so long to answer you
26:13Come back
26:15She got inside your ass
26:17Come back
26:20Oh, God
26:21If you keep on pulling away
26:23Yes, Ms. Press
26:24It's gonna make it worse for you
26:25Sorry, Ms. Press
26:26You guys hear that in the back?
26:32There's air
26:34There's air
26:35There's air coming out of the air
26:36All right
26:38There's air coming out of the air
26:40Now apologize
26:40I apologize for calling out
26:42George St. Pierre
26:44It sounds like something you can play the piano to
26:48Like it's that beat
26:49What's that?
26:50Metronome
26:51Metronome
26:51Are you sad?
26:54Cancel
26:54May I answer?
26:56Yes
26:57I'm not sad
26:57I'm in pain, Ms. Press
26:59You're good at what you do
27:00Well, that's unfortunate
27:01Next grievance
27:03That's my car bill
27:07Oh, he's gotta stand up for this
27:11I don't need to stand up for this
27:12Ms. Perez
27:14Yeah
27:14Chris and I are friends
27:15Often I view him as a mentor
27:18But he's forced me to do many uncomfortable things over the course of our friendship
27:22Gone on a date with a man
27:25Got my back, chest, and asshole whacked in front of 200 people
27:30Well, that's actually awesome
27:31Yeah, it was cool
27:32Not really
27:33Washed
27:34Washed the whole RV with a squeegee
27:36Got shot with paintballs
27:38I had to get naked and go into hot water
27:40The list goes on
27:43He's embarrassed me, Ms. Perez
27:49That's the gist of it
27:51So I hope you punish him because of this
27:54Thank you
27:55Yeah, you should pay my car bill
28:01Ms. Perez, may I know why everyone just went, oh my god
28:04Oh, you will
28:06Put you back against here
28:08I don't feel like getting up
28:10I want you to do all the work
28:11Yes, Ms. Perez
28:12You know what this is?
28:15I don't know what
28:16Oh
28:17Ms. Perez, Ms. Perez
28:21It's right here
28:23May I inform you of something
28:24I have insanely sensitive nipples
28:27This is going to suck for you
28:29Now, isn't it?
28:30Oh, god
28:31Okay, relax
28:32Now, if you keep on
28:35It's going to be worse for you
28:37I'm sorry, Ms. Perez
28:38This is so bad for me
28:39Get on your knees
28:39I apologize, Ms. Perez
28:41Get the fuck up
28:44Or else there's going to be problems
28:46Where do you want me, Ms. Perez?
28:47Put your back against his head
28:49Yes, Ms. Perez, yes, Ms. Perez
28:51On your knees
28:51On my knees
28:52And again, my back against that
28:54Oh
28:54Ah
28:55Ah
28:57Ah
28:58Ah
28:58Ah
28:59Ah
29:00Ah
29:01Ah
29:02Now, do you want
29:03Now, do you want a spanking
29:04And you want the nipple prams?
29:05No, Ms. Perez
29:06Is that what you want?
29:07Oh, god
29:08Why did I do this?
29:10Why did I do this?
29:11Why did I do this?
29:11Oh, god
29:12Your back is just my head
29:13Hands down
29:15Sit on your goddamn hands
29:17I'm sorry
29:18I hope you guys are all enjoying this
29:22Because he is very uncomfortable
29:23I'm kind of enjoying it
29:25If you keep on moving
29:29I can't make your nipples hard
29:31And it's going to be worse
29:31Okay?
29:35Stop moving
29:36And stop complaining
29:37I'm sorry
29:38I'm going to have to call somebody from the audience to hold you down
29:47If you don't relax
29:48I don't know if I can relax
29:50You know what the save word is
29:52Don't even do this to yourself
29:56Okay, Ms. Perez
29:58Okay, Ms. Perez
29:58I got the hair
30:13Greatest piece of stuff
30:19Oh, my God
30:20Can I get the hair
30:21With a towel or a nap?
30:22Oh, no
30:23I'm really sweating
30:24Oh, no
30:24Oh, God
30:25Ms. Perez
30:26I apologize
30:27My nipple stuff is crazy
30:28Oh
30:29Ms. Perez
30:31This is my friend
30:32Andrew Parrish
30:32Oh, God
30:33Oh, God
30:34Oh, God
30:36Oh, God
30:36Oh, God
30:37Oh, God
30:38Oh, God
30:39Oh, God
30:42While this is happening
30:43Sam from Austin
30:44Hey, Sam
30:48Welcome to Chris Ketcher's show
30:50Hey, what's up?
30:51Oh, I keep something
30:52How are your nipples doing, Sam?
30:55Oh, God
30:56Sam, are you
30:58Are you watching the show right now?
31:02I am
31:03I am
31:03You know
31:04I was going to call in
31:05And complain about how shitty the audio is
31:08But now I feel bad airing any sort of grievance
31:12And I feel bad for Chris right now
31:15The audio is totally Chris Ketcher's fault
31:18And he should pay for it
31:19That's right
31:19I don't know
31:22If you think so, it's right
31:23Oh, no
31:23Besides the audio, Dad
31:31You give a cry
31:32Ask the human fish a question
31:34How about that?
31:36Let's have a lot of shit going on
31:37To make this crazy
31:38He's really sweaty
31:39For obvious reasons
31:42Oh, Miss Chris
31:45I must tell you that I hate this
31:46It's so sweaty
31:54So while we're de-sweating Chris's nipples
31:58We're going to go to a video
32:00Okay
32:00What's it about, Don?
32:01Yeah, Murph and I
32:03Murph and I took random Andrew to the museum of sex
32:07Yeah, we felt like he needed a little crash course on some
32:10The art of love
32:11We saw his early dating video
32:14And we felt like he needed
32:15Pitiful
32:15Yeah
32:16So we felt like we needed to give him a little crash course
32:18Right
32:18So that's what this is
32:20Hey, what's going on, Chris Ketcher fans?
32:22This is Don Finelli with Murph here
32:24Tonight we're going to surprise random Andrew
32:26Yeah, we witnessed his dating video that aired a few weeks ago on the show
32:30Super unimpressed
32:30Oh, yeah, he has no game
32:31No game
32:32He really doesn't
32:33Yeah
32:33So we're thinking that tonight we can take him on a run
32:35Show him what a few crafty veterans have learned over the years
32:38That's right
32:38Teach him a little bit about sex
32:40That's right
32:40So tonight Don and Murph are going to teach Andrew about sex
32:43Do you guys have experience with these kind of dolls?
32:57I've never fucked a doll
32:58Never fucked a doll
32:59Not of this caliber
33:00I think it's really expensive
33:02But I feel like once you start fucking a doll
33:04You're finished
33:05You've cut yourself away from society
33:06And you're no longer trying to have sex with an actual human being
33:09Just say no
33:11This is a gentleman and a lady
33:17Yeah
33:18These two are a state of care
33:19He's still like fully
33:21You forget that like people had sex back then, you know?
33:24Yeah
33:24You know what I mean?
33:25Yeah, it wasn't
33:25You didn't see a lot of it
33:27Fuck now
33:27This is an anti-masturbation device for young men
33:32It's a bit dated
33:34If I had one of these things on, I want to think that my dick would be strong enough to burst out of this
33:38I was going to say, what happens when you get hurt and you're stuck in that little thing?
33:41Just don't
33:42It's painful
33:42You can't
33:43You can't do it
33:43How old is this?
33:44How old is this?
33:44That sucks
33:45It's 12, 5 years old
33:46See, people are sick fucks, but this is where we came from
33:53Good for them
33:54Good for them to do this
33:58Untitled
33:59You couldn't think of a title for that?
34:01That's a damn boy
34:02What would your title be for that, Andrew?
34:04Name this
34:08It looks like brain vagina
34:10Okay
34:11Yeah
34:12Maybe that's why they kept it untitled
34:13Yeah
34:18Murph definitely knows more like facts
34:20He knows more about weight
34:22I think it's like he knows how other people do it so well
34:26He knows how fucking primates, animals
34:28He knows how other people, germs
34:31Hey your mouth
34:34How do I say the safe word?
34:36If this is in my mouth
34:38Paradox
34:40Okay, okay, okay
34:44Oh no
34:46Oh God
34:48What's the safe word?
34:49Baby dick
34:51What is it?
34:52You bite your dick?
34:56Thank you
35:00Ladies and gentlemen, we have Phil Jackson
35:02Ms. Prez
35:03This is Phil Jackson
35:04We just let him do his thing
35:05Hi Phil Jackson
35:06How are you doing Ms. Prez? How are you?
35:07I'm good
35:08Nice to meet you
35:10What is he doing?
35:11So, recently I resumed writing poetry
35:15I was eating a sandwich today from the Chelsea Market
35:21And it made me think about Dominatrix
35:24So I'm gonna read y'all a poem
35:25That's okay, is that okay?
35:26Yeah
35:28Is this okay?
35:30You get their permission but not mine
35:31This is my show now
35:32I'm...
35:33Okay
35:34Can I...
35:35May I please read a poem?
35:36Yeah, okay
35:37Thank you very much
35:43Prepare to be dominated by me
35:46I'm a dominatrix of language
35:49So ready thyself to get finger banged with my verbs
35:54Take lashes and slander as I meander your body's brain with my words
35:59Smack that booty with my curves, I mean curves as in curves
36:02I mean cursive shit, I just cursed
36:05My words are dirty, you like that?
36:06Say my name
36:09Pull your damn hair until you scream from my silky soliloquies
36:14Make you get on your knees with my sentence C's
36:16Make you take out your breast to C's
36:17The way I use my A's
36:19I's, O's, U's and E's
36:21And sometimes Y
36:22Why, you ask?
36:24Shut up, nobody ask you
36:26I'm a dominatrix
36:27I'll put you in the matrix
36:28And karate body with my essays and poems
36:30Freak you with my slow prose
36:33Choke you hard with my thesis
36:35Pinch your nits with my story arcs
36:37Red herrings, resolutions and conclusions
36:39Yeah, my literary clothes will make you perspire and desire to drop your literal clothes
36:44Take off your delicates with my predicates
36:47You'll be saying, give it to me, come on
36:49When you hear these run-ons until dawn
36:51We keep going till the early morn
36:53My word flow is hard porn, red tube
36:56My paragraphs are the lube
36:57I'm jerking off your ears
36:59Ew, my words make hard echoes
37:01Slam your psyche like wrestling
37:03Roman Greco and eargasm
37:05Clean yourself up, will ya, Chris?
37:07I'm a dominatrix of language
37:09Make your flesh hurt with my fresh words
37:12You'll tickle my balls
37:14With my onomatopias
37:16And there are no safe words in my dick
37:21Pitionary
37:22Dominatrix
37:24Dominatrix
37:26That was good
37:28That was good
37:33That was good
37:35He's gone
37:37He's out of here
37:39He's gone, Phil Jackson is gone
37:41He just walks right out
37:42Comes in, comes up
37:44Now, I have a question that might be in Gethard's mind right now
37:47But I know it's in mine
37:48Is he, you, is that ball in his mouth the proper way?
37:51Is there a better way for him to have it in his mouth so he can breathe better?
37:54Can you breathe?
37:56He can breathe
37:58Is there just like a lot of saliva in his mouth or is it just gonna start to pour out?
38:02It'll probably pour out
38:06It's starting to seep out a little bit
38:09I'm gonna get to my grievance right now
38:10Okay
38:11I hate this so much
38:13How are your nipples feeling?
38:16Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh
38:17Not good?
38:18Uh-uh
38:20Great, I can't wait to see what happens next
38:22Uh, Ms. Perez, I'm very grateful to be a part of the show
38:26And I'm honored to be part of every week
38:28But, um, there's a moment that happens almost every week
38:32Where a caller named Alyssa calls in
38:34Uh-huh
38:35And, uh, I don't understand every, why every time Alyssa calls in
38:41Chris has to treat me like a child
38:44And try to put rules on my behavior
38:47And tell me what I'm allowed to do
38:50How I'm allowed to talk to her
38:52Uh, because I'm an adult
38:54And I'm, and I'm responsible for my own behaviors
38:57And I will take any consequences, uh, for whatever I do
39:01So I need, uh, Chris to stop treating me like a child when Alyssa walks in
39:08And I need him to be, uh, when she calls in, I mean
39:11When she walks in, God knows what will happen
39:13No
39:15But, uh, I need him to be punished for, uh, disrespecting me
39:20Now why do you do that?
39:22Mmmmm
39:24You don't care?
39:26I did not as much
39:27You did, you did not
39:28Good job
39:30You did not ask for permission
39:32Do punishments
39:34Are you giving me attitude now?
39:36Oh, it's fine
39:38Oh, is that?
39:40What are you wearing underneath that?
39:41Are you free-balling under that?
39:47Punish him
39:48Are you free-balling under that?
39:49Do you have something on underneath that?
39:50Mm-hmm
39:52Uh-uh
39:54Stand up
39:55I can't
39:58Oh
40:00I can't, I can't
40:02Alright
40:03Oh, cool
40:04Do you wanna give him a spanking?
40:05No
40:06No?
40:07No
40:08But I would love to have an audience, can I get a proxy, get an audience member?
40:10Yeah, because you called him out on that come up here
40:12Yeah
40:14Now, have you been watching my technique on how to, how to give a proper spanking?
40:20Yes
40:21Yes, yes I have
40:22Okay
40:23Bend over
40:25Bend over
40:26Bend over
40:28Are you gonna start crying already? We haven't even started yet
40:32You know what the safe word is, right?
40:35We haven't even started yet
40:37It's the nipple
40:38Wait a second
40:40Wait a second
40:41The handcuffs hurt you
40:42The nipple clamps
40:43No
40:44Oh, the nipple clamps are fine
40:45Yeah, leave the handcuffs
40:46That's okay
40:47Every time the change, say, ow!
40:50Ow!
40:51Ow!
40:52I'm sure he's gonna give him some time to adjust
40:55Oh!
40:56Oh!
40:57Oh!
40:58Oh!
40:59Oh!
41:00All right
41:01Oh, no
41:02Over here
41:04That was sort of a mis-poking, right?
41:05He's gonna get something else for being disrespectful to me
41:08All right
41:10Yeah, those are floppy
41:13Down
41:14Now, guys, we have permission to say something really quickly
41:16Yes, we do
41:17I would like to say hello to my father, who watches the show every week
41:19Thank you
41:20You're gonna say hi to your dad?
41:22Okay, go lay down.
41:24Or bend over.
41:26Oh!
41:28Oh!
41:30Oh!
41:32Wait!
41:34Wait!
41:36You wanna keep on complaining?
41:38It's gonna get a little bit heavier now.
41:40Oh!
41:42Down!
41:44Don't you fucking listen!
41:46Down!
41:48Oh wait, no this is awesome actually.
41:50Swagger on a metaphor.
41:52Wife been cheating on you since the turn of the millennium.
41:56People think you're mildly artistic.
41:58Simplistic.
42:00Always leaving home without your wallet.
42:02Choose a dipshit.
42:04Hardly missed or fixed.
42:06More like Mr. Useless.
42:08Only got one option left and I suggest you choose it.
42:10I suggest you buy a gun.
42:12I suggest you use it.
42:14And kill yourself to this fuck weak music.
42:16It's okay to take yourself out the game.
42:18You're the only person to blame.
42:20Pussy, your life sucks.
42:22Your wife fucks.
42:24She fucks other guys.
42:26Your whole life is a mistake in your mother's eyes.
42:30It's okay to take yourself out the game.
42:32Put that burner up to your brain and pull the trigger player.
42:36And kill yourself.
42:38Now throw your hands up.
42:40Just kill yourself.
42:41Just kill yourself.
42:42Just kill yourself.
42:43Put your hands up.
42:44It's okay to take yourself out the game.
42:46You're the only person to blame.
42:48Pussy, your life sucks.
42:50Your wife fucks.
42:51Your wife fucks.
42:52She fucks other guys.
42:53Your whole life is a mistake in your mother's eyes.
42:56It's okay to take yourself out the game.
42:59Put that burner up to your brain and pull the trigger player.
43:02And kill yourself.
43:04Now throw your hands up.
43:05Kill yourself.
43:06And kill yourself.
43:07Just kill yourself.
43:09I hate to break into you, homie, but your life's the worst.
43:12You drive a Hyundai, you should probably upgrade to a hearse.
43:15It's not your fault, dog.
43:17You did the best that you could do.
43:19God must have spent a little less time on you.
43:22With your stomach troubles, always got the bubble guts.
43:25Stinking up the Starbucks.
43:27Bathroom taking public dumps.
43:29Mouth breathing, knuckle dragging, mumbler.
43:32Your son calls you gay on his tumbler.
43:35But this your chance to make a positive difference.
43:38The world is positively better off without you in it.
43:41Your dad can finally say that you're a man.
43:44And that's real.
43:45Eat a bag of Jack makes jerky for your last meal.
43:48People do it all the time.
43:50You can go the same route.
43:52Another flame of flaming out.
43:54You only get one shot.
43:55Do not miss your chance to blow your planes out.
43:59This life is a game.
44:00Your game is rained out, bro.
44:02It's okay to take yourself out the game.
44:05You're the only person to blame.
44:07Pussy, your life sucks.
44:09Your wife fucks.
44:10He fucks other guys.
44:12Your whole life is a mistake in your mother's eyes.
44:15It's okay to take yourself out the game.
44:18Put that burner up to your brain.
44:19And pull the trigger, player.
44:21Kill yourself.
44:22Just kill yourself.
44:24Just kill yourself.
44:25Just kill yourself.
44:26Just kill yourself.
44:28Yeah, everybody.
44:29Yeah!
44:30Yeah!
44:31Yeah!
44:32Yeah 67, stand up!
44:33Oh, my pain is burning out.
44:34Guess you'll know what time that is for me, huh?
44:36MNA.
44:37Oh shit.
44:38Chris Geffen.
44:39It's been lovely, y'all.
44:40You.
44:41You bitch bitch.
44:42I hope you guys are feeling good now.
44:44Hey, we got t-shirts for sale.
44:45Not here, but on the internet.
44:46Oh, yeah.
44:48Hey, it's been real lovely, yo.
44:50Visit our YouTube page, youtube.com.
44:52That's the growth of Buckwheat.
44:53Some assholes are Buckwheat growth.
44:55The growth of Buckwheat.
44:56Thank you very much.
44:59Life is precious, everybody.