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00:00Good evening, weirdos! Welcome to the Chris Gethers Show!
00:05Playing to stand the greatest house band in the history of public access, the LLT!
00:10Featuring internet liaison, Bethany Hall, the preacher from the scene, bitch!
00:15Random messenger bag, America's favorite joint, the baddest family jam on the block,
00:19Shannon O'Neill, with our very special guest, friends from Honolulu!
00:24Music from Ceramic Dawn!
00:28I'm Murph, and SeaWorlds are still on my shit list!
00:31Now let's hear it for our host, Chris Gethers!
00:34Thank you, man. Oh, my God. Thank you.
00:36All right. Welcome!
00:40Thank you!
00:42Sandwich Night! Sandwich Night!
00:46Sandwich Night! Sandwich Night!
00:49Sandwich Night! Sandwich Night!
00:52Sandwich Night! Sandwich Night!
00:55Thank you guys so much for coming to the show.
00:57Welcome to the Chris Gethers Show!
00:58I'm your host, Chris Gethers.
00:59I am also excited for Sandwich Night!
01:00I think it's two weeks, right?
01:01People are going to come to us for Sandwich Night.
01:03That's a holiday Shannon invented by accident in the green room at the UCB theater.
01:08Cannot wait for that.
01:09Welcome to the Chris Gethers Show!
01:10I'm your host, Chris Gethers.
01:11Want to say hi to everybody watching live on MNN, everybody watching live on the internet,
01:15as well as anybody who might be downloading this in the future.
01:17Very, very excited to have all of our guests here today, as Murph mentioned and introduced them.
01:21But I do want to give a special shout out to our friend, Fred from Honolulu joining us.
01:26Joining us from the Pacific.
01:28From the Pacific.
01:29How are you, Fred?
01:30I'm all right.
01:31You got to turn into the mic.
01:32I'm all right.
01:33That's good.
01:34Fred is a great friend of the show.
01:35Quality caller, as I think myself and Tom Sharpling have said about you.
01:39Yes, sir.
01:40Best show for life.
01:41I often cite Fred from Honolulu as a guy who, if you want to know how to do a good call
01:46to this show, Fred from Honolulu sets the bar high.
01:49Fred from Honolulu.
01:50Also, many moons ago...
01:52No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:54Hold on, Fred.
01:55Let me explain.
01:56Many moons ago, we had a contest where people had to try to get us to say awful things.
01:59If you could write something that no one would say, we would mail you a dollar.
02:03I never mailed Fred his dollar.
02:05Fred has called and asked about it, emailed and asked about it.
02:08And on this night, Fred, I would like to give you your dollar, Fred.
02:12No, no.
02:13You also nailed us lays.
02:14You nailed us fresh flower lays overnight for the Vacation Jason memory episode.
02:19Please take the dollar, Fred.
02:20You don't bang the bookie, son.
02:22What?
02:23Letter.
02:24Don't bang the bookie.
02:27You don't bang the bookie.
02:28You double down or you break your legs.
02:29That's the only way you get your money.
02:31Oh, he wants $2.
02:32It's betting night.
02:34It's betting night.
02:35It's betting night.
02:36Yeah.
02:37You don't bet the bookie great segway.
02:39You don't bet.
02:40Because tonight we invite you to place your bets.
02:43If we're majoring our dignity tonight, well, we don't have much to lose.
02:47Place your bets.
02:48Oh, place your bets.
02:50And are we both winning?
02:51If the prize is strong, you know what we use.
02:53Place your bets.
02:54Oh, place your bets.
02:55Oh, place your bets.
02:56Place your bets.
02:57Oh, place your bets.
02:58Oh, place your bets.
02:59Oh.
03:00Wonderful.
03:01Wonderful.
03:02The LLP ladies and gentlemen.
03:04Here's what we did tonight.
03:05We invited you guys to go on the message board at thechrisgethertshow.com and let us know
03:09what bets you wanted to make with us or each other or whatever.
03:12The big running bet tonight is how many envelopes can messenger bag lick in an hour.
03:18I almost said how many messenger bags can envelope lick in an hour.
03:21How many envelopes can messenger bag lick during this show?
03:24He's already started.
03:26The deal was you have to submit a number.
03:28Whoever gets closest without going over will win.
03:30Every single person participating has promised to mail in a prize.
03:33We will mail all the prizes to the one winner.
03:35Random Orlando is keeping count as they go along.
03:38We are already up above one.
03:40So Alex H., you have been eliminated.
03:42Next up, 33.
03:44Johnny Rocket.
03:45We just hit 33.
03:46We just hit 33.
03:47Johnny Rocket, you have also been eliminated.
03:49Thank you for playing.
03:50All the way up to the last person, Obadiah, who has the dick skirt out in Oklahoma,
03:55who predicts that messenger bag will lick infinity envelopes.
03:59An infinite number of envelopes in the next hour.
04:02Okay, so just to run through some of the prizes people are offering up, Shannon,
04:06you can help me with this.
04:07Andrew from Cincinnati offers up a shitty stuffed animal.
04:10Yeah, Naomi from New York, an old college ID.
04:13A picture of a cat from a magazine from Lacey.
04:17Jacob offers his mom's lint roller.
04:20Now, someone who just says they're a messenger bag fan offers up both mixed CDs, one dollar,
04:24and a naked girl t-shirt.
04:26Jay Chow, crisis.
04:28Oh, half hour?
04:29Yes.
04:30Okay.
04:31Lots of people want Man Ham for half an hour.
04:33They think they want Man Ham for half an hour.
04:36I was gonna say, like, you know how the postal service is dying, right?
04:40Uh-huh.
04:41So this is like, he's like the John Henry of like...
04:44You are.
04:45You're the folk hero.
04:46He's trying to fight the machinery that is FedEx, and this is like, he's a folk hero.
04:51Oh, you are.
04:52I would say messenger bag has become an official American folk hero.
04:56On the Chris Kessler Show.
04:58I think that's totally fair.
04:59Also, I hear the chat rats are all giving out their phone numbers in the chat room.
05:02Do not do that.
05:03That's the MNN chat room.
05:05Fans of any show on MNN could be looking and lurking and writing down your phone numbers.
05:09I got a couple of them, but I'm gonna bet them.
05:11Oh, what is the bet?
05:13I was just thinking of a bet where a bet if they can't write a sentence one word at a time.
05:19Okay.
05:20All together?
05:21All together, then I'm gonna announce their numbers on air.
05:23Okay, Bethany's gonna start reading phone numbers.
05:25You shouldn't have done that.
05:26It makes no sense that you do that.
05:28Speaking of phones...
05:29They just put like 12 more!
05:30Why don't we go to the phones?
05:32Jacob in Westchester, welcome to the show.
05:34Place your best!
05:37I wanna unwelcome Jacob.
05:39Okay.
05:40Oh, don't be like that.
05:41Jacob, Shannon's mad at you.
05:43Let's turn our backstory.
05:44You did spend all day today impersonating me on Twitter.
05:48You took my biopic, my profile, and you started tweeting my friends and also people who I
05:55don't know as me.
05:57Alright, so let's take it back to about 24 hours ago and I was sitting on my bed kind
06:02of bored after finishing all my homework.
06:04Pick up a fucking book.
06:06Let's pick up a book.
06:08You have a valid point there.
06:10Uh, I don't know.
06:11I got bored and I realized that you were verified on Twitter.
06:14And I was like, that's weird.
06:15Why would anyone want to impersonate Chris Kethard?
06:17And I was like, hey, I should impersonate Chris Kethard.
06:19So...
06:20I spent all day real stressed out, Jacob.
06:23I'm sorry.
06:24I didn't mean I was out of love, Chris.
06:25Not out of hate.
06:26Shannon, I tell you, I feel like I'm a very...
06:27Out of love?
06:28That's not out of love.
06:29I feel like I'm a very all-access guy.
06:30I like having my guard down.
06:32Then shit like this happens.
06:34Makes me want to move to the country and disconnect from people in general.
06:38Yeah, people that say they impersonate someone and it's out of love wind up...
06:42I mean, like, I feel like there's probably a very fine line between impersonation and, like, parody.
06:48And even though what I did wasn't necessarily funny, I think I was obviously not trying to imitate him.
06:53It wasn't parody.
06:54You were just, like, tweeting at bands I like and saying shit like J.Crew forever.
06:58Yeah.
06:59It was just shit I would do.
07:02It was just shit I would do.
07:03A parody account would be Chris... Chris Gethard the Plant.
07:08Or how would you...
07:09If you were just...
07:10Chris Gethard's...
07:11You'd do overzealous, depression-based tweets.
07:13Yeah.
07:14What else would you do?
07:16You can't make your name Chris Gethard.
07:18Lots of Jersey shit.
07:19It has to be...
07:20Has to have some kind of parody...
07:21Fred, what are you thinking?
07:22I was gonna say, I'm sitting on a couple of fake parody accounts.
07:26So, like, I'm sitting on Sober Craig Finn.
07:28Sober Craig Finn.
07:29Yeah, and then I'm also sitting...
07:31I thought I was being a genius and I was gonna sit on Hollywood Gethard.
07:36But you would be surprised how many Hollywood Gethards there are out there.
07:39There's multiple Hollywood Gethards?
07:40There are multiple Hollywood Gethards being sat on right now.
07:42See, that's a parody.
07:43Yeah.
07:44Yeah.
07:45So, Jacob, we'll ease off.
07:47All I will say...
07:48I blocked and reported you as spam.
07:49I also blocked and reported you as spam.
07:50I also blocked and reported you as spam.
07:51You don't have a cap tomorrow.
07:52Sorry, bro.
07:53Jacob, what did you want to talk about tonight besides that?
07:57Um, honestly, I just wanted to make sure everything was cool between us.
08:00No hard feelings?
08:01I mean, I'll probably never meet you in person, so I don't care.
08:04I think I'm coming to the show in two weeks, but all right.
08:06He's coming to Santa today.
08:07I'm gonna punch you in the face.
08:08Yeah.
08:09Shannon, Shannon will punch you in the face.
08:11Jacob, we're cool.
08:12Me and you, we're cool, but man, you stressed me out hard.
08:15All right.
08:16All right.
08:17That's okay.
08:18Now the chat rats are putting their bank information...
08:19You are 15 years old.
08:20Chat rats are putting their bank accounts...
08:21I know.
08:22So someone claims to know your social security number?
08:24My social security number?
08:25I still know they know that.
08:27This show is weird tonight, man.
08:29Weird tonight.
08:30Orlando, how...
08:31Okay, we're above 85 already?
08:34Holy shit, messenger bag.
08:36Messenger bag, how you feeling?
08:38Pretty good.
08:39You're feeling good?
08:40Yeah.
08:41No dry tongue yet?
08:42He's on an 850 pace right now.
08:44Okay, you're on the pace for 850 right now?
08:47That's incredible.
08:48Messenger bag, well done.
08:49Already pushing it further.
08:50I thought you would crap out around 100.
08:51It looks like you're gonna eclipse that big time.
08:53Will we run out of envelopes?
08:54Great job.
08:55I don't know.
08:56I don't know.
08:57I mean, we have many, many, many envelopes there.
08:58We'll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it.
09:00Ksek is on the phone.
09:01Ksek, you're offering up a mystery box.
09:08So, I don't think you guys saw my follow-up post to that.
09:12Okay.
09:13Which was that I rescinded it because I bet it.
09:17I bet 1,000.
09:18No one else went over that.
09:19And it's clear it's fucking like a thousand envelopes.
09:23Hey, this kid's on a tear right now.
09:25He's up in the 90s already.
09:26I gave him credit for that yesterday.
09:28And I don't want all you guys a shit.
09:30That's why I rescinded my vote, by the way.
09:32So, you're not interested in receiving other people's garbage in the mail?
09:36No.
09:37I just moved and I had to throw away, like, so much shit I had accumulated over the years.
09:41Ksek, I'm sorry to tell you.
09:42I don't want to have to stop that process again.
09:43I'm sorry to tell you.
09:44I already have your address.
09:45And if you win, I will send you all my shit.
09:47Again, Ksek, you don't have my new address.
09:50I don't have your new address?
09:51I don't have your new address?
09:52Then I will send whoever lives at your old house all the shit.
09:56Forwarding.
09:57You're having your mail forwarded.
09:58Yeah, you gotta be having your mail forwarded.
10:00I don't think they forward packages.
10:02Ksek, we're all locked in a war right now.
10:06A war of intellect.
10:07We will find your new address.
10:09If you win this contest, I will get you all this garbage.
10:13I promise you.
10:14Jacob.
10:15Jacob will find your address and live there.
10:17Yeah.
10:18As you.
10:22Ksek, you're in the contest.
10:24Oh, no.
10:25Message back.
10:26Please, please stop licking.
10:31Fred nailed it.
10:32That's what she said.
10:33Nailed it.
10:34Well timed, that's what she said.
10:35Please, stop licking.
10:36Thank you for everything, Ksek.
10:37You guys also drew the poster.
10:39Drew the poster.
10:40Yeah.
10:41Yeah, it's awesome.
10:42Human Fish.
10:43You haven't mailed me yet.
10:44Yes.
10:45We have not mailed any of those posters yet.
10:46Fred, it's hard to get shit out to Hawaii.
10:48Human Fish, we haven't even asked you yet.
10:49What's on your mind?
10:51At Chris Jizzhard.
10:54Versus at tired Chris Gethard.
11:00Who wins?
11:01At Chris Jizzhard.
11:03And someone just made that account.
11:12Somebody just put your mom's social security.
11:14They do not have my mom's social security.
11:16And it's your brother, Greg Gethard.
11:24Please tell Greg not to.
11:25Shannon, does this episode feel really weird to you?
11:28Yeah, I feel like I'm going to get murdered.
11:30It feels like that.
11:31Do you think it's the presence of Fred from Honolulu?
11:33He brought a curse from the island.
11:35Right.
11:36Like Mr. Hanalei, like the Mr. Hanalei episode of the Brady Bunch.
11:38He brought a Hawaiian curse.
11:39He brought a Polynesian curse with you.
11:41Fred, you're also rocking a J Church shirt.
11:43One of my favorite bands.
11:44From Hawaii.
11:45From Hawaii.
11:46Lance Han.
11:47Long live Lance Han, man.
11:48Yeah, man.
11:49Yeah.
11:50You and I may be, I don't know.
11:51You guys all know J Church too.
11:53Very few people like J Church.
11:55Let's go to, oh, is that line too?
11:58Our old friend Mike from Cornell.
12:03Is this Mike in the library?
12:05Yes, indeed.
12:06How you been?
12:07Mike in the library, welcome back to the show.
12:10How's it going, guys?
12:11This is very strange tonight.
12:13It is.
12:14It's a weird show, right?
12:15Oh, absolutely.
12:17Dangerously weird.
12:18You would say it has an element of danger.
12:20How does it feel watching at home?
12:22I'm worried that you're going to get your identity stolen.
12:26I'm worried that people in the chat room might get murdered.
12:30Okay.
12:31Lots of worry.
12:32So you're sensing a lot of danger, violence, and potential murder as you watch this comedy show tonight.
12:37And maybe even male fraud.
12:39Maybe even male fraud.
12:41Yeah, I guess that's fair.
12:42I guess that's fair, Mike, you smooth motherfucker.
12:45It's weird.
12:46Now, Mike, what has your life been like since the episode, or we made you famous to a very
12:52small subset of human beings?
12:54Largely the same.
12:56I've gotten some love on the internet, but nobody's approached me in person.
13:00Okay.
13:01So I don't, yeah, nothing really.
13:04Okay.
13:05What were you hoping for?
13:07Were you hoping for any changes?
13:08Were there any things you expected that we didn't come through on by putting you on our show?
13:12Uh, yeah, I just kind of figured, you know, pussy for days and money everywhere.
13:17But that hasn't lined up.
13:19No such luck yet.
13:21No, not yet.
13:22Mike, when are we going to...
13:23But I've still got my fingers crossed.
13:24When are we going to get you down to the studio?
13:27Geez, I don't know.
13:28I've got to get my financial situation in order.
13:31I only have three cents in my bank account.
13:33If I can afford it.
13:34That's unacceptable.
13:35Yeah, Fred came from Hawaii, dude.
13:36You're in New York State.
13:37Fred probably has more than three cents in his bank account.
13:42Do you honestly only have three cents?
13:44I have one dollar and a quarter in my pocket, too.
13:47So you are the owner in life of one dollar and twenty-eight cents.
13:51That's what you have to your name?
13:53Curry, yeah.
13:54Mike, you are an Ivy League student.
13:56But I have food and board.
13:57What?
13:58I have food and board, though.
14:00Yeah, that's true.
14:01Yeah, and you'll have a mound of debt when you graduate from Cornell.
14:04Mike, what's your major?
14:06What's the post-college plan?
14:07I'm a government major.
14:10My post-college plan is...
14:13I should probably have one.
14:15Nah, you don't need one yet.
14:18Yeah, I figure I'm fine for a couple years.
14:20I'm still sleeping my parents out.
14:22Did you have any bets you wanted to make with us tonight?
14:25I kind of want to challenge you to do something physical.
14:29Do a handstand?
14:30I bet you can't do a handstand.
14:31You bet.
14:32I can't do a handstand.
14:33Okay.
14:34Yeah.
14:35What's on the line?
14:36What am I putting on the line here?
14:38Yeah, what's on the line?
14:39What do you want?
14:40Dollar-twenty-eight.
14:41Mike, yeah.
14:43If I can do a handstand, you have to empty your entire dollar-twenty-eight bank account
14:48and send it to me in New York City and you have to live in complete poverty.
14:52How can I afford the stamp?
14:55Yeah, you can't even afford the stamp.
14:57Subtract, you have to send me like ninety-eight cents.
15:00Now, if I can do, if I can't do the handstand, if I fail, I will double your bank account
15:06and send you a check for one dollar and twenty-eight cents.
15:09Whoa.
15:10Does that sound good?
15:11Alright.
15:12High stakes, high stakes, high stakes.
15:13Okay, let's clear some room.
15:14You're never going to see that dollar.
15:15Predictions, predictions.
15:16I mean, just for a split second, I think you can do it.
15:18Okay, Merv says I can do a handstand.
15:19What's a handstand?
15:20A handstand is like feet above your head.
15:21Like a vertical handstand.
15:23Human Fish, can I do a handstand versus can I not do a handstand?
15:26No.
15:27Okay.
15:28Message is like, what do you think?
15:29Quote, Random Orlando, what do you think?
15:30Can I do it?
15:31Nope.
15:32No way.
15:33Okay, so far, only Merv is saying yes.
15:34Shannon?
15:35Not on a first attempt, you can.
15:36Not on a first attempt.
15:37I'm rooting for Mike.
15:38Okay, Mike, how many attempts do I get?
15:40Sorry?
15:41Do I just get one attempt?
15:44I'll give you two.
15:45Two attempts, okay.
15:46Hot Dog Parish has just appeared.
15:49Okay.
15:50With a crazy face.
15:52Okay, I've never, I'll also tell you this, Mike, I didn't want to let you know the odds.
15:57I've never attempted a handstand outside of a pool in my entire life.
16:01Okay, so what?
16:02You've got to lock your, you've got to keep your shoulders in this all locked out.
16:07You can't go like that because you're, yeah.
16:09What do you do?
16:10Momentum forward.
16:11Lock it and down.
16:12Oh, don't break.
16:13What?
16:14What's happening?
16:15What's happening?
16:16Stop in my pocket.
16:17It's okay.
16:18And if you like a CD group, love it for free.
16:20And if you don't, we can cut our heads off.
16:32We live to entertain you.
16:34And if you must be punched most severely by the Masters of the internet.
16:47We must save the life choice for the glory of the masters and the masters of the internet, the masters of the internet.
16:54Our labor has no value, content is our name, we are nothing but material created to a machine to be the masters of the internet.
17:23Now they get to smite, digital revolution, we sacrifice our bodies to the masters of the internet, the masters of the internet.
17:53Download this music for free, we like it when you do, we have no rights or names, we serve the masters of the internet, the masters of the internet.
18:05The masters of the internet.
18:07The masters of the internet.
18:09The masters of the internet.
18:11The masters of the internet.
18:13The masters of the internet.
18:15Oh, the chat rats want a banana fight!
18:40I'll do it.
18:41Whoa, whoa, whoa, why?
18:46This doesn't happen.
18:47Okay, wait, okay, wait.
18:49It's a shoes off.
18:50A banana.
18:51A banana.
18:52Why was that so real?
18:53That was so real.
18:56Fuck this other guy.
18:57You broke his glasses.
18:59I win.
19:00Did you break your glasses?
19:01I'm good.
19:02You're good?
19:03I'm so sorry.
19:04The chat rats want a banana kiss.
19:06Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.
19:08Cheek kiss.
19:09Not a banana cheek kiss.
19:10Aw.
19:11No, that's okay.
19:12I got it.
19:13We already forced this man to get in fights.
19:15But we have more bets on the line.
19:16One of the most interesting bets that came out of this group.
19:18Yeah, we've done one bet in 25 minutes.
19:19We've only had a couple bets.
19:20Yeah, I'm way off my game.
19:21I can't finish a fucking sentence tonight.
19:23It's because someone's been impersonating you.
19:24Yeah, I know.
19:25It's been stressed out all day.
19:26Murph, this bet is for me and you.
19:29Julia staged it on our message board and it comes down to this.
19:33Julia wanted to know which one of us could provide a better pedicure.
19:38So we bought all the supplies.
19:40Julia's being handed a mic.
19:41Julia, come on up.
19:42Murph, bring your seat so that Julia can sit in it.
19:44Message your back.
19:45How are you holding up?
19:46How's your mouth?
19:47I'm cool.
19:48I'm cool.
19:49You're totally cool.
19:50Yeah.
19:51Okay.
19:52Nothing fucking phases you, dude.
19:53Yeah.
19:54His tongue is going to be fucked up tomorrow.
19:55Oh, you are.
19:56You're all fucked up.
19:57You're just playing it cool.
19:58I can see it in your eyes.
19:59So, Julia, you're going to take off your shoes and socks.
20:01Yep.
20:02Murph and I...
20:03Okay, we're going to snoop this over.
20:04Murph...
20:05Murph and I are each going to claim a foot.
20:07Now, Murph, do you know what a pedicure entails?
20:10Uh, yeah.
20:11Believe it or not, I have received a pedicure.
20:13You have received a pedicure.
20:14Yes.
20:15On my feet?
20:16On my feet.
20:17I'm a dick.
20:18This is me versus Murph.
20:19Murph.
20:20You brought the prize that we're competing for.
20:22It's a very, very coveted item here in New York City.
20:24Murph, the winner will receive...
20:26Oh.
20:27A real cronut.
20:28A cronut.
20:29What?
20:30I've never had a cronut.
20:31People line up at six in the morning for these goddamn fucking things.
20:33I have never had one.
20:34What did you wait in line for?
20:35I did not wait in line for it.
20:36I hired someone to do that.
20:38Jesus.
20:39Who are you?
20:40Julie, who was this person?
20:42The grand dame of the Christian Bain Show.
20:44That's amazing.
20:45I hired someone.
20:46Murph, we've each been given these weird kits, lotions, remover.
20:51Where's the nail polish?
20:52I have colors.
20:53I have colors.
20:54You have colors?
20:55Oh, I have colors.
20:56Better colors.
20:57You have colors.
20:58Okay, I'll take some of your colors.
20:59Murph, I guess we'll just get going.
21:00Julie, you can provide running commentary throughout the channel.
21:02I don't know if you want to take other calls during this.
21:04You have to smell it.
21:05I'm going hot.
21:06Smell it.
21:07Okay.
21:08Oh, yeah.
21:09That's...
21:10Oh, I can...
21:11That smells like...
21:12Now, work on some feet.
21:14That does smell it.
21:15I need some of them cotton swabs.
21:17Yeah.
21:18Let's take a call.
21:19Sebastian in Indiana.
21:20Hey.
21:21What's up, Sebastian?
21:22Hey.
21:23What's up, Sebastian?
21:24Hey, guys.
21:25What's up?
21:26Uh, this is my first time ever watching this show.
21:29I'm not...
21:30I'm not...
21:31I'm not going on.
21:32Welcome.
21:33Sebastian, what do you think so far?
21:34What do you think?
21:35Uh, you know, the banana guys, that was pretty interesting stuff.
21:39Uh...
21:40Sebastian...
21:41I don't know.
21:42I like it so far.
21:43Good stuff.
21:44You're underwhelmed.
21:45No.
21:46I'm not underwhelmed.
21:47By no means.
21:48By no means.
21:49How did you find out about the show?
21:51Uh, I walked into my friend's house and they turned it on.
21:56And I started watching it.
21:57So your friend is basically forcing you to watch and you said, I'm going to call.
22:01Oh, no, no.
22:02I'm here by choice.
22:03I'm here by choice.
22:04Okay.
22:05You're here by choice.
22:06Okay.
22:07Do you have any thoughts or constructive criticism on what we could be doing better?
22:09Uh...
22:10I don't know.
22:11No, I'm not...
22:12I don't really know.
22:13I have no clue what I could tell you to do better.
22:16What?
22:17You need more...
22:18I'll tell them to do better.
22:19Now, do you...
22:20Sebastian, um...
22:21Do you have any bets?
22:23Oh, yeah.
22:24Okay.
22:25So, you know Shannon?
22:26I know Shannon.
22:27I do know Shannon.
22:28Yeah.
22:29Okay.
22:30I want her to shave off an eyebrow.
22:33Go fuck yourself.
22:34That's not a bet.
22:35Yeah, how is that a weight?
22:37How is that a weight?
22:38You bet she won't do it and you just won.
22:42Uh...
22:43I mean, both.
22:44Both.
22:45A little bit of both.
22:46I'm not gonna...
22:47I have to be...
22:48I have to be able to go on auditions that I don't go on.
22:51But no, I bet that she will not shave her eyebrow.
22:55You won.
22:56You immediately won.
22:57You won.
22:58She immediately said no.
22:59Unfortunately, you did not lay out the stakes first, so you have won nothing.
23:03Okay.
23:04Try...
23:05Try another...
23:06Try something else.
23:07What do you mean, try something else?
23:09I'll give you a chance for another bet.
23:11Sebastian.
23:12Okay, another bet.
23:13I...
23:14From your first call ever, you're killing it.
23:16I bet you can't say the alphabet backwards.
23:18I can't say the alphabet backwards?
23:19Okay, you can't say the alphabet backwards.
23:21And what's at stake here?
23:22How long do I get?
23:23Sebastian, what do you want...
23:24Yeah.
23:25What's the stake here?
23:26What are the stakes?
23:27Um...
23:28If she can't do it...
23:31Then she has to say that Sebastian is right and that he's the best person on earth.
23:37Okay, she'll say Sebastian is the best person on earth.
23:39You suck at bets.
23:43Okay.
23:44And if I do do it...
23:45What's he have to say?
23:46I'll say that Shannon is the best person on earth.
23:49No, I know what she has to say.
23:50I already know that.
23:51You have to say, um...
23:54Where do you live right now?
23:56Bloomington, Indiana.
23:58Are you in college?
23:59You guys should come to the comedy attic, by the way.
24:02That's not the answer.
24:03Go out in that neighborhood.
24:04Your friends have to record you doing it.
24:06Yeah, they will.
24:07Okay.
24:08Let's hear your first one as you run out the door, Sebastian.
24:10Yes, you gotta do it right now.
24:11Alright, I'm going out the door.
24:13Let's hear it.
24:15I wanna hear...
24:16No homo!
24:17No homo!
24:18No homo!
24:19No homo!
24:20No homo!
24:21No homo!
24:22No homo!
24:23No homo!
24:24No homo!
24:25No homo!
24:26No homo!
24:27No homo!
24:28He's on his elbow.
24:29Louder!
24:30Alright, five minutes exactly?
24:31Louder!
24:32Louder!
24:33Wait, we're not keeping this guy in the air for five whole minutes.
24:35No homo!
24:36We'll check back in with him.
24:37Can we keep him on the line?
24:38We're gonna keep him right now on the line.
24:40No homo!
24:41Can we mute him?
24:42Can we mute him?
24:43Don't hang up on him.
24:44We'll go to another caller.
24:45Don't hang up.
24:46Yeah, we'll go to our next caller and then we'll go back.
24:47If we check in and you're not yelling it, you gotta shave your dick.
24:52Your actual hairy cock.
24:54Your actual...
24:55You gotta shave down until a vein bleeds.
24:58Too far!
24:59Too far!
25:00Too far!
25:01Let's go to Jaeger in Jersey!
25:04Oh, wow!
25:05Jaeger, welcome.
25:06Jaeger, welcome back.
25:07Long time I haven't heard from you.
25:08All right.
25:09Place your bet!
25:10What's up?
25:11Jaeger, how you been?
25:12Good.
25:13Do you have a bet for us?
25:15Yes.
25:16What are we talking?
25:17I bet that the couple who are super into each other now but will break up in six months
25:23will break up next month.
25:24They'll break up...
25:25You're betting they'll break up next month?
25:26Yeah.
25:27Okay, so we'll have to wait and see on that if that's true.
25:29What is at stake here?
25:31It is, because I counted.
25:33That's a good strategy.
25:35So what do you win if they do break up next month?
25:38I win the pride of knowing a couple is broken up.
25:43Wonderful!
25:44Wonderful, Jaeger.
25:45I think that's a great prize.
25:46So we'll just have to stay tuned and see if you are right.
25:49But thank you for reminding us that couple will...
25:51I'm always right.
25:52We'll all keep our eyes peeled to see how that one ends.
25:57Thank you for the call.
25:58Real quick.
25:59Back to Sebastian.
26:00Sebastian.
26:01Back to Sebastian.
26:03Did we cut back in?
26:05Hello?
26:06Sebastian.
26:07No, you should be yelling!
26:08That's welching.
26:09Sebastian, you just welched on your bet.
26:13We can't make this guy run up and down the street yelling awful shit though.
26:20We can't do it.
26:21He made a bet.
26:22He did.
26:23Alright, we'll move on.
26:24We'll move on.
26:25Sebastian, thank you for getting involved in the show though.
26:27I'm sure you're very mad at your friends right now.
26:29Let's go to Tyler, right?
26:31Yeah.
26:32Tyler in Georgia.
26:33Pleased your bets.
26:34What's up, Tyler?
26:35I love you.
26:36You love me?
26:37I love you too, dude.
26:39I love you so much.
26:40Okay.
26:41But a bet.
26:42I have a bet for you.
26:43Tyler, talk to us.
26:44What are you wearing right now?
26:45Yeah, Tyler.
26:46What are you wearing?
26:47I'm wearing a...
26:48I think Tyler likes feet.
26:49Tyler, what's your deal, boy?
26:50Um, I've got the...
26:51Jazz it off to these feet.
26:52I've got two bets.
26:53Two bets.
26:54Okay, you got some bets.
26:55Tyler, what are your bets?
26:56I bet you haven't seen Danger Zone.
26:57Oh!
26:58Okay, what's on the line?
26:59Um, your eternal soul.
27:00My eternal soul.
27:01Okay.
27:02Okay, what's on the line?
27:03My eternal soul.
27:06Okay.
27:07Okay.
27:08What's on the line?
27:12Okay.
27:13What's on the line?
27:14Um.
27:15My eternal soul.
27:16Okay.
27:17Okay.
27:18okay what's your other bit my other bet I bet you can't go the rest of the show
27:24swapping eyewear with the human fish okay you won the first bet you have my
27:35eternal soul but if I keep those goggles on and my glasses off the whole rest of
27:38the episode I get my soul back fair you get your soul back but you have to
27:42follow Billy Zane on Twitter I'll switch it up if you will human fish okay I'm also
27:50done with my it's a women in the crowd are shouting it's horrible
27:56at me okay let's go to line two we got someone from Uruguay Mariana I can't see
28:01Mariana Mariana are you there
28:31oh no did we have a caller from Uruguay and lose it Mariana are you there oh wait
28:38we haven't seen these guys in forever the happily engaged couple guys it's the guy
28:43who likes cream but not to know what brings you guys back to the show yeah hey hey Chris
28:49hey everybody good to see you so I'm I'm the guy who likes cream but not too much
28:53cream and this is my personal barista back in March I was on your show and I
28:59proposed to my personal barista and he said yes and we're here tonight to
29:04announce to save the date for our wedding December 11th right here on the show at
29:09at 11 p.m. look at that it's been really great I'm gonna support him and whatever family we should
29:21create together using my job using my job as a CEO of Dairy Queen I have three kids and they're all cool
29:29with it I divorced my wife so that was probably the hardest part so far I had a wife and spontaneously
29:37proposed to my personal barista on the show last I was on and I guess we just want a toast so uh can
29:44you give me those glasses you have oh wow a toast such a happy moment on our show and I'm so happy you
29:50guys are getting married on the show as well thanks Chris you'll pour your own cream first and uh babe if
29:56you'll pour a little cream for me a little bit more cream babe sweetie if you could get just a little
30:08bit more cream in there honey bunch maybe like a little bunch of honey if you could just put a
30:19little bit more cream like top it off can I just say how much I like how confused the band is right
30:23now ceramic dog is like what the fuck did we get ourselves into just wait for it ceramic dog I think I'm
30:32feeling like a little bit more I'm feeling like a little bit more I'm feeling like a little bit more
30:37that's so much cream all right love of my life that is too much cream what happened
30:50they're just eating cups full of cream is what happened and I think it's actually creamer I think it's a
31:01dairy a non-dairy creamer based on the bottle they're consuming it what's happening the barista
31:13doesn't realize how terrible it is to drink a glass of non-dairy creamer okay but they're in love that's
31:20all that matters that was too much cream all right thank you guys so much joe what's the question so
31:31the question is salt and pepper versus salt and pepper salt and pepper versus salt and pepper salt
31:42and pepper the seminal 90s rap group singers of shoop all right Joe so we answered your question great
31:51any bets Joe sounds like Joe no I just got a shout down okay you want to do a shout down I want to do
32:01a shout down for fake banana man that's a nice guy it's a real nice guy in a fight who's next on the
32:14phone Shannon what's that oh that's the guy who performed your marriage foreign my fucking marriage
32:23you asshole fake banana man called you an asshole Joe called you his pastor an asshole okay
32:31hey Chris uh I know you can't see so I just Duke Ponzetti yes yeah what's going on I can't see a thing
32:36you got to clean these human fish they're also not prescription goggles yeah that's true
32:40uh we're gonna bring up uh a guest of the show Vacation Jason okay
32:45I like this one I have no idea what's happening you don't so so you slightly modified the bet left
33:00on the message yeah the one on the message board was can Vacation Jason do a comedy bit in under seven
33:06minutes the answer to that clearly no so instead what we're gonna do is uh Jason you you cannot
33:32for seven minutes you have to not do a comedy bit can you not can you just basically shut the
33:37fuck up can you not speak for seven straight minutes what's on the line Noah uh well we didn't
33:43really decide what was okay Fred from Honolulu has something on the line I have either Barack Obama
33:51surfing okay oh shit from Hawaii from Hawaii this man is from Hawaii Jason or I got I know that we're
33:59neighbors all right I got Barack Obama playing a American flag ukulele I need that ukulele okay so
34:08if you if you cannot speak for seven minutes you get the ukulele if not I get now Fred what does
34:14Vacation Jason mean to you as an Islander he is a legend on all islands what are your experiences with
34:19him in the past your seven minutes starts now by the way oh my experiences with him yeah like how is
34:25he regarded in Hawaii uh like it's kind of weird when you see a guy just like doing that Teen Wolf like
34:31on the highway to get around just constantly surfing on things he's constantly riding on the tops of
34:36trucks I like I like wear like I wear slippers on the beach and he's like running on hot asphalt like on
34:43the like and whenever Kanye's around he's the first one to start a fight so like now Fred maybe you
34:49want to tell us some other facts about Hawaii and we'll see if Vacation Jason can resist from jumping in
34:53during all this Hawaii talk one of the primary vacation destinations in the world so we just
34:59passed the Senate just passed marriage equality so you know destination wedding right for those cream
35:12dudes but I don't know 1853 the first sugar plantation was made for sugar plantation 1853 that sweet sweet
35:24Hawaiian sugar but you got some things you want to say about that don't you Jason some very popular
35:33strains of marijuana was invented post 1970 because of the great hippie migration from the mainland
35:39love that now Fred do you think pineapples taste sweeter in Hawaii it's blood and sugar man it's plantation
35:49politics but yeah I guess blood and sugar yeah Vacation Jason Fred is saying some negative things about
35:54pineapples one of your favorite of all fruits
35:56mm-hmm we have a vodka made out of seawater
36:01ooh seawater vodka you legitimately have so much shit you want to say about seawater vodka
36:07all right we can't do this for seven straight minutes
36:11you should have to be completely silent
36:13yes okay Shannon who's next on the phone
36:15I have to say something so I don't lose a bet
36:17yeah Bethany you have to say something so you don't lose a bet what is it
36:20the chat rats are now known as the ratsters of the internet very nice a ceramic dog reference
36:28rasters there's no lid to this anymore I don't know I can't see that's all right
36:32okay later I'm just gonna get out of the way who's next on the phone Spoh
36:36uh we got uh Emil uh am I just going to number one or am I going I don't know who is
36:41oh we'll go to Emily Emily
36:44I don't know if you go down or not it don't matter Emily are you there hi hello
36:53do you have a bet for us um I was actually wondering if I could talk to messenger bag
36:57wow oh yes you can yes you can messenger bag between your legs you got to take a break from
37:02the envelope you have a request from a young lady now Emily what's your interest in messenger bag
37:06um I'm actually the fire breathing dragon that is referred to on his shirt okay so your shirt hi
37:14Emily refers to Emily messenger bag so Emily what do you want to say to messenger bag
37:18Emily Emily did you just pass out from the what the overwhelming sex appeal of messenger bag
37:30sorry my phone is going off so it's hard to hear you that makes sense too messenger bag's all yours
37:37you can say whatever you want to him oh um I'm the fire breathing dragon that's on his shirt my friend
37:44handed him the note yeah what does that mean what does that mean what does it refer to I think she
37:50played 400 I was really high one night and I told her that I felt like a fire breathing dragon
37:57and so she just calls me that now sometimes okay how's the uh meth that you've been smoking
38:05Emily Shannon Shannon has an accusation that you are on meth how do you respond uh I haven't done
38:12drugs in a very long time okay okay that's good in your system that's good okay anything else you
38:19want to say to messenger bag uh just that he is my favorite okay messenger bag Emily says you're her
38:26favorite what do you have to say to her um you seem very sweet and I think that fire dragon is an
38:32appropriate nickname for you holy shit that was fucking smooth all right Emily thank you for the call who
38:38do we have next uh Brandon in Michigan Brandon in Michigan what's your bet what's going on not
38:47much okay you have to turn to vacation Jason my all-time favorite rapper and you have to sincerely say
39:00that the show would not be the same without him and you love his music okay what's on the line Brandon
39:07what's on the line if I win you have to talk him in and give me an autographed photo and if I lose
39:14then I won't let my roommate Tyler from Michigan ever give him shit again okay so wait hold on if you
39:26win I won't oh that makes no sense I just thought yeah you're painting yourself into a corner where
39:31it's all negative for you yeah well no I won fuck yeah so wait you're saying okay hold on Brandon I'm
39:40more confused than I've ever been in my entire life I gotta tell him he's the show wouldn't be the
39:45same without him and I love his music and yet be sincere I have to mean it and if Bethany doesn't
39:51think it was sincere then it doesn't count Bethany doesn't think it was sincere doesn't count do me a
39:55favor is Tyler there with you no no he's at work okay I don't want to say it and I don't understand the
40:06consequences if I don't I do not understand what happens if I don't why would I not want to do
40:15this because why would I want to do this no then I'll never watch the show again fuck it okay we
40:24don't have nearly enough viewers for me to lose you Brandon not at all our numbers baby we get a whole
40:29family coming over here every Wednesday to watch it you got a whole family coming over to watch it yeah
40:34who's the weird family oh it's just like a bunch of friends from school but we're pretty much family
40:40all right what school you at Reese Puffer I went to we went to Reese Puffer High School but we're all in
40:47college now well I'm telling you I'm I'm tempted to send vacation Jason out there to confront Tyler
40:52for all the shit he talks yeah do it because Tyler would love it because he actually really loves
40:56vacation Jason all right well don't blow up his spot Brandon it's hard not to you because he's
41:01awesome the show would not be the same without you coconut berry lemon tree overall pretty good
41:11the Christmas song great the Christmas song kind of whack but the fucking actual coconut berry lemon tree
41:20the Christmas song I listen to it sometimes independently of you or this show the Christmas
41:25song is okay the best one one of the best one you think that's one of the best ones oh yeah we got
41:33to get that seven minutes all right hey can I can have this dollar back from the time I gave you a
41:40dollar yeah take that okay just take money okay that's what you have to say after all that time that's
41:47what you have to say after all that time can I take this dollar I mean if you really want it you
41:53can have it I gotta talk to him vacation Jason this guy loves you you just dropped the ball harder than
41:59you ever had the entire run of the show hey thanks man I appreciate it it's so nice of you and I feel
42:06amazing right now I got I got Fred from Honolulu here you're gonna talk too much we gotta get to the band
42:11okay but before I do I want us all up on our feet they blew the fucking roof off last time two
42:26bananas got so riled up they fought ladies and gentlemen please welcome back to the show ceramic dog
42:41so
42:47so
42:48so
42:49so
42:53so
42:57so
42:59so
43:01so
43:03guitar solo
43:33guitar solo
44:03guitar solo
44:33guitar solo
44:45Ceramic dog, ladies and gentlemen, that was so awesome.
44:50Clearly, one of the very high points of this bizarre episode of the show.
44:54Thank you guys so much for being here.
44:55That was awesome.
44:56Shannon, how much more time are we looking at?
44:57Like a minute ten, I believe.
44:58Okay, a minute ten.
44:59Listen, if you entered the contest with Messenger back in the envelopes, email zero laughs at
45:03gmail.com.
45:05Patrick will tell you where you can send your items.
45:07We'll gather them all up.
45:08We will send them to our winner.
45:09Before we announce the winner, I want to say this.
45:11I'm not letting any cats out of the bag right now.
45:13If you are a fan of this show, or you ever have been, you want to be watching live next
45:18week.
45:18We got a big announcement.
45:19Spread word.
45:22I want Walter watching.
45:23That's how far back I want to go.
45:25I want everybody.
45:26I want Kristen from Salem State watching.
45:28Old school fans of this show.
45:30Honestly.
45:31Yeah, we want Jack Klugman on the line.
45:33I still have some scores to settle with Jack Klugman.
45:36Even Joe from Queens.
45:36Joe from Queens.
45:37Everybody.
45:38We want everybody.
45:39Be watching next week.
45:40Now, random Orlando, message your bag.
45:42Let's cut it off there.
45:43How are you feeling?
45:44That's the last one.
45:45Feeling good?
45:47Random Orlando, how many did he lick?
45:49486.
45:50486 elements.
45:52Random Orlando, who is our winner?
45:54Dan G.
45:55Dan G.
45:57Okay, Dan G, you have won.
45:59We will be sending crap from all over the world to your house.
46:02Congratulations.
46:03Big announcement next week.
46:04Thank you guys for watching so much.
46:06Thank you, ceramic dog.
46:07Thank you, Fred from Idaho.
46:08Woo!
46:08Woo!
46:08Woo!
46:09Woo!
46:09Woo!
46:10Woo!
46:10Woo!
46:10Woo!
46:11Woo!
46:11Woo!
46:12Woo!
46:12Woo!
46:12Woo!
46:13Woo!
46:14Woo!
46:15Woo!
46:16Woo!
46:16Woo!
46:17Woo!
46:18Woo!
46:19Woo!
46:20Woo!
46:21Woo!
46:22Woo!
46:23Woo!
46:24Woo!
46:25Woo!
46:26Woo!
46:27Woo!
46:28Woo!
46:29Woo!
46:30Woo!
46:31Woo!
46:32Woo!
46:33Woo!
46:34Woo!
46:35Woo!
46:36Woo!
46:37Woo!
46:38Woo!
46:39Woo!
46:40Woo!
46:41Woo!
46:42Woo!
46:43Woo!
46:44Woo!
46:45Woo!
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