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00:00Good evening, all you weirdos!
00:06Welcome to the Chris Gellert Show!
00:09Playin' us in, as always, the greatest house fan
00:11in the history of public access, the LLC!
00:15With internet liaison, Bethany Hall,
00:18the creature from the sea, the human fish,
00:21America's favorite twink, random messenger bag,
00:23the baddest gamma jam on the block,
00:25Janet O'Neill!
00:28With Mike from Cornell!
00:33Music by the World Inferno Friendship Society.
00:36I'm Murph.
00:37Remember, Gingold, I'm comin' for ya.
00:39And now, our host, Chris Gethard!
00:48How'd you like that?
00:50All right, welcome, everybody, to the Chris Gellert Show.
00:52I'm your host, Chris Gellert.
00:53Very, very exciting night here.
00:55I think we can feel a lot of excitement in the studio.
00:57Mimi on the Hoops is using the light-up hoops,
00:59always a sign that there's a lot of positive energy going on.
01:02Bethany, how are the chat rats feeling about tonight's episode?
01:04They're good!
01:05They're shouting dildo!
01:06They're shouting dildo!
01:07That makes no sense!
01:08That makes no sense at all!
01:10Now, Shannon, a couple weeks ago, we had an episode
01:13where we talked to various viewers on Skype,
01:15and the very last call was a young man named Mike
01:17who showed us through the Cornell Library.
01:19Our audience flipped out.
01:20They loved this little look at the...
01:22Flipped out more than when the dog showed up.
01:24Yeah, they loved the dog, and they really loved the library.
01:26So we said, if they like that, why not immediately give them too much of it?
01:31So for the next hour, we will be exploring the Cornell Library
01:36in an episode we are calling...
01:38Mike at the Library!
01:40Hey, nerd, put down that book!
01:42Fuck, fuck!
01:43Get back in terms!
01:44Fuck in terms!
01:45It's in the time, keep quiet!
01:47Mike, Mike, Mike!
01:49At the Library!
01:51All right, Mike, welcome to the show!
01:53Hello, everybody!
01:54Okay, now, Mike, you told me before the show started,
01:59we were testing Skype, you said there's about 15 people
02:01that have showed up at the Cornell Library.
02:04That's correct!
02:05Does everybody want to come in real close?
02:07Okay, these are all the people hanging out at the Cornell Library.
02:12Now, Mike, how many of these people are actual students of Cornell?
02:16I don't know, seven?
02:20Seven, so we've got seven, and do we have Ithaca students there?
02:24Because Ithaca is also there.
02:25Yes!
02:26Okay, who are the random people that are not college students
02:29that are hanging out in the college library?
02:31Just your graphic designer!
02:33Andrea Streeter, our graphic designer!
02:36Wonderful, so we've got a library for college students.
02:38So, Mike, what is the likelihood that you will be kicked out of this library
02:41for this behavior before this hour is up?
02:43Right now, I'm going to say 37%, but that could shoot up very high at any moment,
02:48depending on what you tell me to do.
02:50Very specific!
02:5137%, I like that.
02:52Mike is a man in a tie who doesn't mess with vague bullshit.
02:57Mike, what has the reaction been by the security staff, the library staff,
03:01as people have shown up in masks and holding signs?
03:04Well, I don't think we've ever really seen this kind of behavior before, so we'll see.
03:10Okay, tell that one guy to stop trying to get Adidas plugs in.
03:13That guy in the sweatshirt is trying to get plugs for the Adidas shoe company in the back,
03:18and we can't have him plugging Adidas.
03:20Alright, Mike.
03:21Yeah, because you'll just keep saying Adidas over and over again.
03:23I know.
03:24It'll get worse and worse.
03:25You don't want to have to keep saying Adidas.
03:26From there.
03:27Okay, so Mike, what do you or those people there,
03:30what are the essential factors of the Cornell Library that you think we should know about
03:34as you take us on this virtual tour?
03:37Essential factors?
03:39Yeah.
03:40That's a good question.
03:41We have a lot of books.
03:42Okay, a lot of books.
03:43There's, yeah, there's a lot of people studying,
03:48a lot of people who speak English as a second language or not as a language at all.
03:52Mike, can you find us one of those people?
03:53Can you find us an English as a second language person,
03:56ask them what language they speak, and we will try to match them up with a language speaker in our audience,
04:00and we'll see if we can't get a match and allow them to have a conversation in their native tongue that we don't understand.
04:05That's a great idea.
04:06Please, find someone who speaks Greek or Portuguese or something that I don't know.
04:10Or Spanish.
04:11And we'll see if anybody here.
04:12Please, send some of your minions, send some of your 15 minions to find someone who speaks a foreign language.
04:17We will link them up.
04:18That's our first assignment, Mike at the library.
04:21Let's find someone in that library who can speak to us in a foreign tongue.
04:25I think that's a great start.
04:26That's a great start.
04:27Okay, we've got somebody searching.
04:28We'll see how it goes.
04:29Okay.
04:30Can we please talk to that guy in the mask and what appears to be leather gloves?
04:33Yes.
04:34Sir, who are you and what is your deal?
04:37Oh, I actually called in, I was the guy who juggled.
04:40Oh!
04:42Wait, when was the juggling?
04:44Oh, okay, alright.
04:46Welcome back.
04:47Welcome back, juggler.
04:49Now, what led to your choice in masks tonight?
04:51Oh, it was actually Mike's.
04:53Mike is the fucking mastermind of this whole thing.
04:56Okay.
04:57Is the guy who spewed bigotry there in the library?
05:01No, that guy was from Florida.
05:02There was a guy in that episode who is just from Florida.
05:06We haven't even touched base with our friend from the sea right now.
05:09Human Fish, we're right now experiencing a world of higher education as we do so.
05:14What's on your mind?
05:15Rodney Dangerfield versus Rover Dangerfield.
05:24Rodney Dangerfield versus Rover Dangerfield.
05:29Who wins?
05:31Dog counterparts always win.
05:34Oh, I get it.
05:36A hard and fast rule.
05:39So Rover Dangerfield is the dog version of Rodney Dangerfield.
05:43The chat rats like your haircut.
05:49The chat rats like the human fish's haircut.
05:52Look at that fish.
05:53Well done.
05:54It looks to me like we've got some action up at the library.
05:56Mike, any sign of that foreign language speaker?
05:58Okay, yes.
05:59Chris, we found someone who speaks Hindi.
06:01Do we have anybody in the audience who speaks Hindi?
06:04Anybody who speaks Hindi here tonight?
06:06Okay.
06:07Oh, wait.
06:08I'm seeing somebody pointing.
06:09Are people pointing at each other now?
06:10Yeah, they're being racist.
06:11You're a deceptive Hindi enthusiast.
06:13Okay.
06:14We have no one who speaks Hindi, but please allow that Hindi speaker to say whatever they
06:18want.
06:19Please, that person can say anything they want in Hindi.
06:24If you are watching our show and you understand Hindi, call us up.
06:27Let us know what they said.
06:28Let them know there are no content restrictions.
06:31There's no language restrictions.
06:33Please, spout off in Hindi.
06:34Say anything you want.
06:35Welcome to the show.
06:36What's your name?
06:37Hi.
06:38What is your name?
06:39My name is Disha.
06:41Yes.
06:42Yeah, keep going.
06:43Keep going.
06:44What am I doing?
06:46I don't know what am I doing.
06:49Okay.
06:50Okay.
06:51Go bigger.
06:52Go bigger.
06:53I want to have more passion.
06:54Oh, wait.
06:55Who's this?
06:56Now we've got someone speaking Thai.
06:57Thai.
06:58Anybody here speak Thai?
06:59Yeah.
07:00Oh, we have a Thai speaker.
07:01Come here.
07:02Come here.
07:03Okay.
07:04Hold on one second.
07:05Okay.
07:06Hello.
07:07Hello.
07:08Now, to our person who's speaking Thai in the Cornell Library, what's your name?
07:09I'm Nico.
07:10No, no, no.
07:11Hold on.
07:12What's your name?
07:13What's your name in the library?
07:14Reena.
07:15Okay.
07:16Welcome.
07:17This is Nico.
07:18You're going to have a conversation in Thai.
07:19Let's everybody be quiet.
07:20Nico, it's up to you whether or not you want to tell us.
07:22Let's angle yourself this way so our cameras can catch you.
07:24Please.
07:25Let's go ahead.
07:26Let's start up a Thai conversation.
07:28Half in Manhattan, half in Ithaca, New York.
07:31Let's get it going.
07:32Thai conversation.
07:33So what's going on?
07:35Um.
07:36Sawadee.
07:37That means hello.
07:39Keep going.
07:40Keep going.
07:41Keep going.
07:42I only know a few words.
07:43You're killing it, Nico.
07:44You're killing it, Nico.
07:45You're killing it, Nico.
07:46I saw it.
07:47Ah, Jesus.
07:48Say something really fucked up.
07:49Say something super fucked up.
07:50In Thai.
07:51I can say something.
07:52Mimi has something in Thai.
07:53Nico, thank you.
07:54Okay, Mimi on the hoops will now say something to you in Thai.
07:55Okay, well done.
07:56She's here.
07:57Ba-dang ba-ba-bo-bo.
07:58It's...
07:59Say...
08:00Say something really fucked up.
08:01Say something.
08:02Say something super fucked up.
08:03In Thai.
08:04I can say something.
08:05Mimi has something in Thai.
08:06Nico, thank you.
08:07Okay, Mimi on the hoops will now say something to you in Thai.
08:08Okay, Nico.
08:09Well done.
08:10She's here.
08:11Ba-dang ba-ba-bo-bo.
08:13It's...
08:14Say...
08:15Ba-dang ba-ba-bo-bo.
08:18What if you told her to have an abortion?
08:20Ba-dang ba-ba-bo-bo.
08:23Does that mean anything to you?
08:26Oh, was that something bad?
08:30Was that something vulgar?
08:35Can you guys still hear me or no?
08:37Yes.
08:38Yes, we can hear.
08:39It just sounds like you don't want to reference fa-dang ba-ba-bo-bo.
08:43Seems like you don't want to deal with whatever that means.
08:45Ba-dang ba-ba-bo-bo.
08:46It's a few dialects, so...
08:47What's that?
08:48We have a few dialects.
08:50Oh, we have a few dialects.
08:51We have a few dialects.
08:52So who knows what fa-dang ba-ba-bo-bo means?
08:55How do you say dildo in Thai?
08:57We gotta stop.
08:58Tell the chat rats to stop with the dildo thing.
09:00Okay, let's go to the phones.
09:01Let's get a question about Jacob and Westchester.
09:03Jacob and Westchester, welcome to the show.
09:05Jacob, are you here?
09:08Hey, hi, Mike.
09:10In the library.
09:12Okay, Jacob, do you have any questions or challenges for our crew
09:15who's hanging out in a library in Ithaca, New York right now?
09:18Hello?
09:19Do you have any language?
09:20No, you don't have it.
09:21Oh, yeah.
09:22Huh?
09:23Oh, you gotta check it out?
09:24Shannon's asking for someone to deface a copy of Uncle Tom's Cabin.
09:28Who's known as a shithead here?
09:30Does anybody want to take responsibility for that?
09:32Mike, just ask who's the biggest shithead here?
09:34Vacation Jason, do you want to take care of that?
09:36Vacation Jason.
09:37Or if you can't buy Uncle Tom's Cabin in like 50 Shades of Grey,
09:42make it 50 Shades of Atspotastic.
09:4450 Shades of Atspotastic.
09:45I don't carry a copy of 50 Shades of Grey.
09:47Or if anybody wants to read...
09:48Or the Bible, cross out Jesus and write Atspotastic.
09:51All right.
09:52Anybody wants to get that?
09:53Even if it's just getting one of those books to read us a selection from it,
09:56we'd love to explore this library further.
09:57Okay, does somebody want to go grab Uncle Tom's Cabin?
09:59All right.
10:00Mike is asking for somebody to grab Uncle Tom's Cabin.
10:03I cannot wait to see where this ends.
10:05In the meantime, I am so, so psyched we have one of our musicians.
10:07I guess these guys are legends in the game.
10:10We are so privileged to have them here next week.
10:12They're doing their annual Howlomass show.
10:13It's out at Warsaw in Brooklyn with old friends of ours
10:16like Ted Leo and Shivering Brigade.
10:18Ladies and gentlemen, get up.
10:20Let's dance.
10:21Let's fucking throw down because it is our honor to welcome
10:24the World Inferno Friendship Society.
10:28Thank you very much for coming, everybody.
10:33All right, man.
10:35Please, man.
10:36At least, man, we all do what we can.
10:40All right, man.
10:42Please, man.
10:44Can I go?
10:50Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
11:20I'm cutting far, brought or dragged straight to the door.
11:25We're all right, man.
11:27All right, man.
11:28Policeman.
11:29Policeman.
11:30Policeman.
11:31We all do what we can.
11:33What we can.
11:34All right, man.
11:35All right, man.
11:36Policeman.
11:37Cut off.
11:40Go!
11:43There ain't no second step.
11:47There ain't no second step.
11:50There ain't no second step.
11:53Hey!
11:55Fancy!
11:59Sure!
12:03Sick!
12:11All right, man.
12:13All right, man.
12:14At least, man.
12:15At least, man.
12:16At least, man.
12:17We all do what we can.
12:18All right, man.
12:19All right, man.
12:20Policeman.
12:21All right, man.
12:22Policeman.
12:23How'd I go?
12:24Don't go faster.
12:25Friends on day.
12:26Of course, we'll cross with fire.
12:29Don't do days, I don't deserve.
12:30I hear that all time.
12:31Of course I deserve whatever I get.
12:33Of course I deserve whatever I get
12:37And I know I deserve it
12:41To you
12:43No second
12:45No second
12:47No second
12:49No second
12:51No second
12:53Second chance
12:55Kill
12:57No second
13:03Ain't no second chance
13:05You won't get no second chance
13:09No
13:11Ain't no second chance
13:15No goddamn second chance
13:19No
13:21No goddamn second chance
13:25Thank you for it
13:29Thank you ladies and gentlemen
13:33David are you okay
13:35Turn it up
13:37Alright Banana Man what did you think of that
13:39Fucking awesome
13:41Fucking awesome
13:43Anybody who couldn't see the Cornell kids were dancing
13:45The whole time
13:47Alright Murph anything you want to happen up at the Cornell Library
13:49Well
13:51Yeah I'd like you to do some research for me
13:53Okay Murph Mike Murph's asking for some research
13:55I'll see what I can do
13:56Anything secret society related
13:58Okay
13:59Okay
14:00Any secret society
14:01We have two
14:02Is there a Cornell or Ithaca secret society Mike
14:04We have two on campus I know that
14:06What
14:07Talk to us Mike
14:08Okay I forget the names
14:10Does anybody know the names
14:11Quill and Dagger
14:12Quill and Dagger
14:13Quill and Dagger
14:14I've heard of that
14:15And there's another one
14:16And there's
14:17And then there's Phoenix which is a secret drinking society
14:20And
14:24Phoenix is cool
14:25Quill and Dagger
14:26Quill and Dagger
14:27Sounds dangerous
14:28We got Uncle's Tom Cabin
14:29Here
14:30Hold on
14:31Hold on
14:32Hold on on Uncle Tom's Cabin
14:33Just for a second
14:34You mean Uncle Atzpotastic
14:36Uncle Atzpotastic's Cabin
14:38You may be responsible for that
14:40I am responsible for that
14:42I will not do that but I will read from it if you so choose
14:45Hold on Mike
14:46I will love
14:47I would love that in just a second
14:48But before that I just want to remind people
14:50Murph
14:51Quill and Dagger
14:52Maybe they're up next on the list
14:53But as it stands now
14:54Next Thursday
14:55We're heading to Chapel Hill to take on
14:58The Order of Gimgul
15:00To finally finish
15:03Yeah
15:04The secret society
15:05This has been going on very long
15:07And I know you may look at me
15:08I'm out of breath from dancing
15:09That's fine
15:10But I promise you
15:11I'm strong of heart
15:12We got numbers down there
15:14We're rolling deep
15:15Four
15:16We have four
15:17Four people
15:18We got four people
15:19That's all we need
15:20We got two cameras
15:21That's even better
15:22We're gonna capture everything
15:23When we come down there
15:24We're gonna finally put this baby to bed
15:25Oh my word
15:27Uh
15:28Yeah it's gone on long enough
15:29We know where you're gonna be
15:30We know what you do every Halloween
15:32With your robes and your hoods
15:33A little parade
15:35We know all about it
15:36We're gonna come down there
15:38Four deep
15:41And we're gonna finally put you to rest
15:43And expose what's been going on down there in Chapel Hill
15:46I feel like we owe it to everybody
15:48I mean people have been hearing me rant about this for years now
15:51They're like when are you gonna finally finish this
15:53The end of the month
15:54We're finished
15:55We got it October 31st
15:56We're coming to Chapel Hill
15:57Gimgul
15:58Me, Murph, Brian Miller, Banana Man
15:59We'll be there
16:00We gotta be ready
16:01We gotta be ready
16:02Alright
16:03Mike I believe
16:04I believe
16:05I believe when we left off
16:06You were about to read a random selection
16:09From the classic Uncle Tom's Cabot
16:13Okay
16:14Right now we've got
16:15What does the Greek letter L mean when it comes to numbers?
16:19X, L, I
16:2050
16:21I believe it's 50
16:22Okay, so this is 41
16:24Chapter 41
16:25Chapter 41
16:26Chapter 41
16:27How long do you want me to do this?
16:29You are an Ivy League student
16:32Murph just pointed out
16:3430 seconds
16:3530 seconds
16:36Shannon's asking for 30 seconds
16:38From chapter 41
16:39And complete silence
16:40From the audience
16:41Complete silence
16:42Two days after
16:44A young man drove a light wagon up through the avenue of China trees
16:47And throwing the reins hastily on the horse's neck
16:49Sprang out and inquired for the owner of the place
16:52It was George Shelby
16:54And to show how he came to be there
16:56We must go back to our story
16:58The letter of Miss Ophelia to Mrs. Shelby
17:01Had, by some unfortunate accident
17:03Been detained for a month or two
17:05At some remote post office
17:06Before it had reached its destination
17:08And of course
17:09Before it was received
17:10Tom was already lost
17:12On the distant tops of the Red River
17:15Mike, you're the funniest person I've ever met
17:21Mike, just put a note in there
17:23Asked whoever's reading it just to follow me on Twitter
17:25Yes, Mike, that's a fair compromise
17:26We don't need to vandalize the book
17:27But please
17:28Let's say
17:29Thank you for reading Uncle Tom's Cab
17:30And no one appreciates it anymore
17:32How would you feel about this?
17:33Yeah
17:34As many books as possible tonight
17:35Follow at Spotastic
17:36If we can get pen and paper up there, Mike
17:38However many notes we can have
17:40We can put inside books that say
17:41Follow at Spotastic on Twitter
17:43I would love if hundreds of those were distributed
17:46And hundreds of people who take out books
17:48We can certainly do that in the restrooms
17:50What do you think of that?
17:51Back of a toilet stall?
17:52People are willing to vandalize the restrooms
17:54Okay
17:55People are willing to write on the restroom walls
17:56Follow at Spotastic
17:57Someone go down
17:59At the library
18:00I thought maybe a group of young men could get together
18:02And consensually look at each other's sticks
18:04Wait, hold on, what's this?
18:05Wait, wait, wait, wait
18:07You're annoyed
18:08It's like 11.30 on a Wednesday night
18:11We've got like freelance
18:12And like stressful stuff going on
18:14And this is just like not
18:16Like the status quo
18:17It's just like not happening
18:19Okay, now how do you respond to accusations
18:21That you're a fucking buzzkill?
18:23Buzzkill
18:24What's that?
18:29Can I recommend you taking a vacation?
18:34No, no, no, no, hold on, hold on, hold on
18:37I was really aggressive
18:38Hold on, I apologize, I apologize
18:39Come back
18:40Come back
18:41Let's do this
18:43Oh my god
18:44I have a question for you
18:45You are very, very strong
18:46You are very strong
18:47And I apologize that we're disturbing you
18:48We're only on the air for another half an hour
18:50He's already walked away
18:51Frankly
18:52Frankly, I don't apologize
18:54Get one of them all
18:56Mike and Cornel
18:58Mike and Cornel
18:59Not into it
19:00Not into the apologizing
19:01Alright, so wait
19:02Mike, Messenger Bag has requested
19:05We did an episode, a classic episode
19:08I think many people point to as the height of our intelligence
19:10Called
19:11Looking at, looking at dicks in the dark
19:13A new low
19:14Where we looked at each other's dicks
19:15Messenger Bag's
19:16I'm familiar
19:17Messenger Bag's wondering if any young men there would like to replicate the experience and look at each other's dicks
19:23Is that correct, Messenger Bag?
19:24I don't want to ruin the goodwill I have in this community by showing my less than impressive dick
19:29Does anybody else want to jump in on this?
19:32He's the best
19:34I can't, John
19:35You don't have to show it
19:36You just have to show it to each other
19:38You're not showing dick on camera
19:39Okay
19:40Why don't you two look at each other's dicks?
19:43Can they go in a bathroom stall, check it out and report back?
19:49Go in, just remember the details and describe them to us in great
19:53Go down to the bathroom, check it out and come back
19:55Expo-tastic on the wall
19:56Expo-tastic, expo-tastic on the bathroom wall
19:58Right Expo-tastic on each other's dicks
20:02Okay, wonderful
20:03Now, Mike, that guy seemed upset
20:04I am feeling guilty
20:05I'm feeling a teensy bit guilty
20:07But, I mean, this is the cafe
20:09He can easily go into the library part where there's no noise at all
20:12Hell yeah, Mike
20:13Hell yeah
20:14I no longer feel guilty, Mike
20:16Let's go to the phones
20:17We've got a call
20:18Oh, this is interesting
20:19Nick in Toronto on line one
20:20Nick in Toronto
20:21Say hi to Mike in the library
20:25Hello
20:26Nick, welcome
20:27Hello
20:28How are you?
20:29Not too bad, how are you?
20:30I'm good
20:31Now, I hear that people have been gathering in a bar in Toronto to watch the show
20:34Do you know anything about this?
20:35That's right
20:36Well, me and my friends have been trying to make that happen
20:38We have a friend of ours who works at a bar and she usually lets us take over the sound system
20:43Oh, that's awesome
20:44And listen to it
20:45But she wasn't working tonight, so we just all got together at a house and we're watching it on a projector
20:49Now, how many people get together? I think that's the coolest shit in the world
20:53Well, you know, it's anywhere from 6 to 15 right now
20:58Next week, we want to reach out to the Toronto Chris Gessard Show fan community
21:04And we're going to be doing it at a bar called The Ossington at 11pm sharp
21:08We're going to be screening it
21:09It's the place I work and it's my birthday, so they're going to let me do it
21:13So your birthday, you're screening it, say the name of the bar again?
21:16The Ossington Bar
21:18Ossington, okay, and how does this sound?
21:20Probably not next week, but the next time we do a Skype dual-location show
21:24I think it should be from Toronto, Canada
21:27Yeah!
21:31That would be amazing
21:32Okay, so Nick, let us know how it goes, happy birthday
21:34Thank you for organizing that, that's the coolest shit in the entire world
21:37In the meantime, is there any questions you have for Cornell University, Ithaca University students
21:42Anything you want to see happen in the library?
21:44We're good
21:45I kind of actually just, me and my, you know, my friends Carson and Brendan and Nikita and Mike here
21:52We wanted to see Vacation Jason do the coconut berry lemon tree wrap as, you know, as disruptively as possible
22:00Okay, okay, now Vacation Jason, people are asking for an acapella rendition of coconut berry lemon tree done, quote, as disruptively as possible
22:09That's right, yeah
22:10As disruptively as possible?
22:12His wrap, his coconut berry lemon tree wrap
22:14Oh good God
22:16Okay
22:18Okay, so everybody knows the four elements that make up a vacation, right?
22:29It's the coconut, the berry, the lemon, and the tree
22:35Coconut, berry, lemon, tree
22:39Coconut, berry, lemon, tree
22:43Oh no
22:44Coconut, berry, lemon, tree
22:47Let the island flavors set you free
22:50Coconut, berry, lemon, tree
22:54Mike is looking very scared
22:56Coconut, berry, lemon, tree
22:58Coconut, berry, lemon, tree
23:01The island flavors are all you need
23:05Is that enough?
23:06Yeah, that's enough
23:07Well done
23:09Well done
23:10They're Casey Jason
23:12Anybody else?
23:13Things you want to see happen in this library?
23:14Anybody else?
23:15They say they're in a cafe, right?
23:18Oh yeah, they're, okay, Mike, you are in a cafe
23:20That's correct
23:21Are there people, is there anyone doing homework that they need help with their homework or something?
23:24We'd be down to help, we'd be down to help people
23:25Yeah, especially anybody if they need help with their homework
23:27Yes, please, anyone who needs help with their homework, we're willing to do it here from New York City
23:31Or if anybody has questions about New York City for us, we've put you guys on the spot a lot
23:34But we're willing to take your questions or challenges as well
23:38Did somebody just ask them?
23:40Oh, they're dicks
23:44Oh yeah, we can report back on the dick situation
23:46Okay, let's
23:47Okay, so these two college students have recently looked at each other's dicks
23:52Each one is now going to take a turn describing the other's dicks
23:57Stone pony
23:58I'll go first
23:59John was, I would say, definitely above average length
24:03Like, good length
24:04Very, very clean
24:09Very clean
24:10What are you doing?
24:15That guy did that, you see that?
24:17A guy shut it down
24:18Yeah
24:19A guy has shut it down
24:20Mike, Mike, quit now
24:22We just shut down
24:23We all just witnessed
24:24We all just witnessed
24:25We all just witnessed
24:26That guy was rejected
24:27Mike tried to
24:2840-year-old Goosey
24:29Can you take us back in time so that moment doesn't replicate?
24:33No
24:3540-year-old Goosey's time hours have held him
24:37Okay, we have 25 minutes left in the episode
24:39A man just walked up to Mike's computer
24:41Slammed it shut
24:42A fight may be breaking out
24:44We may have caused an incident
24:45Shannon
24:46Who
24:47Okay, Mike
24:48Mike, what happened?
24:49Mike
24:51Mike, New York City is a buzz with concern for your safety
24:54Is everything alright?
24:56Hold on, I just lost your audio
24:58Mike, is everything okay?
24:59We saw a maniac slam your computer shut
25:02Some gentleman is extremely angry
25:04I think we need to take the volume situation down just a tad
25:08Okay
25:09Okay
25:10We're willing to do that
25:11We're willing to do that if you are
25:13Okay
25:14So then let's have those gentlemen
25:15Okay
25:16I think we just got an okay
25:18We got an okay?
25:19Yes
25:20As far as what?
25:21You're allowed to stay?
25:22I mean, I don't know, that's just a guess
25:23We'll see
25:24I mean, that's half the fun, right?
25:25If we get booted out
25:26Holy shit, Mike
25:28How old are you?
25:2921
25:30Mike, you have the confidence of a fucking man who has lived many years
25:36No joke, right?
25:37Yeah, I like this dude
25:38Mike, you have the fucking suave, do you just clean up?
25:41Yeah, I don't know
25:44You will
25:45Once you get a full picture of my body
25:46You don't know
25:47You will
25:48There's ladies in our studio audience
25:49Signaling that you're making them hot and bothered
25:52This is true
25:53My address is 523 Becker Tower, Ithaca, New York
25:58Standing out his real address
26:00Mike, another smooth, baller
26:03Mike, I'm gonna do a test here
26:05And ladies, Mike can't see you, keep this in mind
26:07By a round of applause, ladies
26:09Who would hook up with Mike from Cornell?
26:13Oh, I like what I'm hearing
26:14It sounds like about 15 ladies in our audience are down, Mike from Cornell
26:19Okay
26:21Let's try again
26:22He read those dicks
26:23Okay, yeah, let's have those gentlemen describe each other's dicks
26:28Sorry, where was I before you were rudely cut off?
26:30He said it was nice, it was a clean dick
26:32He said it was a long, clean dick
26:34Yeah, he's very proud of that
26:35Above average, clean dick
26:37Yeah, he uh
26:39Like, it was like long and very clean
26:43Like I would say it was like the cleanest dick I've ever seen
26:48Okay
26:49What am I missing?
26:50I don't know, man
26:51Okay
26:52He kept like pulling it
26:53Like I was like really shy
26:54And he kept being like, look at it
26:58Wanted you to see it
26:59Okay, that's great
27:00Now do you want to describe his dick?
27:02Uh, yeah, sure
27:03It was uh, it was not clean
27:09What does that mean?
27:10Sir, how do you respond to accusations that you have a dirty dick?
27:17Jake's not shaving for four months apparently everywhere
27:21And
27:22And
27:23Oh, cause I'm going to school
27:24Because he's going to culinary school
27:30Wait, hold on, Jake, Jake
27:31You're going to culinary school so you're growing as much body and facial hair as possible?
27:36What did he ask?
27:37Do you have as much body and facial hair as possible?
27:38Well, I'm going to school in January to a place where I can't have a beard
27:42And so I decided I wasn't going to shave for four months
27:44And then I decided why not the entire body?
27:47You be you
27:48And trust me his dick is like real hairy
27:51Okay
27:53I went water with me last weekend so I'm okay
27:56Okay, Shannon O'Neill has lost all enthusiasm for this conversation
28:00Shannon you just mumbled what are we doing?
28:02You don't often mumble that on this show
28:04I just love it
28:06But I'm also like what are we doing?
28:09Cause we all love this
28:10But what are we doing?
28:12Okay, is there any other last minute details you guys would like to tell us about each other's dicks?
28:16Do you feel differently towards each other now that you've experienced each other's dicks?
28:20Um, I feel a lot closer to Jake
28:22Like, I feel like
28:24This is like it brought our friendship to a new level which is really good
28:27Yeah, like I'm going to go see John tomorrow and just be like, what's up? I saw your dick, man
28:31Yeah, and I'm just going to
28:32That's how I feel about these three gentlemen right here
28:37Oh wait, I know, I know, wait John, I know you, right John?
28:41Yeah, yeah, yeah
28:42Yeah, I taught you
28:44I know John too, don't I?
28:46Yeah, now that John's face is coming in clear
28:49Oh, yeah, I didn't want to be that guy to be like, hey guys, you might know me
28:53Wait, John, you're the John who's friends with my cousin, right?
28:57Yeah, that's me
28:58Yeah
29:00Guy's friends with my cousin
29:02Thanks for looking at someone's dick for us
29:03Now Murph, you recently tweeted a picture of your dick to all your followers
29:08I did, I did tweet out a dick pic, uh, this past weekend
29:11You still find it, it's still up
29:13No, no, it is up, but Twitter emailed me today
29:16It's perfectly fine to have your genitals on Twitter, but they now are flagging all my photos as they go up
29:23As like, someone has to, they're screened, so they're not just showing up on someone's feed
29:28Yeah, not safe for work, and they're like, if you want this removed, email us, we'll talk about it
29:32And we'll see what you're planning on posting in the future
29:34So Twitter, I'm gonna have so many cock pics out there, so let's just filter the whole feed
29:39All right, messenger bag, any dick pics out there floating in the world?
29:42Probably, yeah
29:44You are a dick pic sender
29:45Uh, I mean, I'm not like, hey, here's my dick, but people have asked, and I'm willing to send that
29:51So if people ask, you're willing to send?
29:54Yeah, that's like my rule
29:56Do you think people have to be personal friends, or let's say someone follows you on Twitter, and then tweets you, follow me back, and DM me, and I'll send it
30:03All right, yeah, you're not gonna see my dick
30:05Send us one, we'll show people in the library
30:08What's that?
30:10Send us one, we'll show people in the library
30:11If you get one to Banana Man right now, he'll show your dick to the people in the library
30:15Do you have a dick pic on your phone that you can send?
30:17I'm not sure
30:19I just want to point out that the chat rats were shouting dildo at the beginning of the show, and it's completely appropriate
30:26All right, now Banana Man, do you feel like you're partying enough? I know you love partying, you're on a college campus
30:30Not enough, not enough, I would love to crowd surf somewhere in this library
30:33You want to crowd surf in the library?
30:35Mike, can we make that happen, or is that gonna be a kick out situation?
30:37It's a little sparsely possible
30:39Oh, wait, what?
30:41Oh, wait
30:43Banana Man is crowd surfing the library
30:45Now, Mike!
30:47Yes?
30:48Who was that dude that got real mad and shut your computer down?
30:51He's still sitting about 12 feet behind us
30:53With a pained expression on his face
30:56I have a question for him
30:58Okay, Human Fish has a question for that guy
31:00Banana Man is now crowd surfing
31:04Banana Man is now crowd surfing
31:05As he disrupts a lot of the library
31:08Okay, Banana Man now crowd surfing
31:10Human Fish, what's your question for that mad guy?
31:13You have to get an answer
31:16Okay, you have to get an answer to this question, Mike
31:19Dane Cook
31:21Dane Cook
31:22Great Dane Cook
31:25Okay, she's asking that someone approaches and bothers that already bothered man
31:29To ask him what he prefers
31:31Dane Cook versus Great Dane Cook
31:33Mike, is anyone willing to do that?
31:36Is anyone willing to bother?
31:38Further agitate a furious man
31:43He's real mad, I don't want him to smash my laptop
31:46Okay, Mike has serious concerns
31:48I'm gonna have to take a pass on that one
31:51I'm sorry, Human Fish
31:53No, that's okay, Mike
31:55Hey, Mike, you've stepped up above and beyond
31:57Okay, Mike, I want to know
32:00What else, what else is going on?
32:02What else can you show us?
32:03Let's push things, let's push things
32:05I will get punched if I do it
32:07What's that, Jason?
32:09I've just been told I will 100% be punched in the face if I do this
32:12By that guy?
32:13Yes, he's a fighter apparently, whatever that is
32:16Jason, he has told you I will punch you in the face
32:19No, other people have told me that
32:21But he's got a real big frown
32:24Okay, well we're not, we're a very positive show
32:29We don't want to torment this guy just to torment him
32:32But if there is any way, tell him we won't be aggressive
32:35But we would love to talk
32:37If there's any way he'd be willing to come on
32:38I'll personally apologize for all the chaos
32:40I'll do that straight up, I would just love to talk to him
32:43Okay
32:45Give it a shot, Jason
32:47Oh, good God
32:48You have such a nice nose, Jason
32:49You don't want to ruin that
32:51Vacation Jason
32:53Can we see him when it happens?
32:54May he get punched in the face
32:55Do you want to play his favorite music as you walk up?
32:57Say it again?
32:59What?
33:00Vacation Jason, try not to get punched in the face
33:02But if you do, do it on camera
33:04That is my goal
33:06Are we able to watch if we do a, if we uh, people part
33:08No, cause they have wifi
33:09Please, please, please
33:11I really, I don't know, man
33:12People are begging Vacation Jason to not approach this, this guy
33:17Don't do it, oh no
33:18Jason, oh no
33:19Jason, Jason
33:20Jason, do it
33:21Jason, do it
33:22Do it, do it
33:23I don't want him to get Anthony again
33:24Do it, do it
33:26Do it
33:27Do it
33:28Oh no
33:29He looks so hesitant
33:31Oh no
33:33Oh no
33:34It looks so scary
33:35No, don't do it, dad
33:36Don't do it
33:37Don't do it
33:38Don't do it
33:39It's right there
33:40Oh no, oh no, oh no
33:41Oh no
33:42Oh no
33:43Oh no
33:44He politely objected
33:46Well, he did punch, but he said, trust me
33:51And then that's the last thing he said
33:53Okay, that's totally, totally fair
33:55A moment of high tension in the Cornell Library
33:58As we're almost causing fights
34:00Bless you, Julie was sneezing in the front row
34:02That fucking dancing last time
34:04Awesome
34:05Was the best it's been in months
34:06So good, right, messenger back
34:07Are you about to throw down?
34:08Oh yeah
34:09Alright, we're about to throw down again
34:10People were just stepping on people
34:11People were actually walking on other human beings
34:13I cannot wait to see what happens
34:14Without permission
34:15If we can even go bigger
34:16Ladies and gentlemen
34:17Next week, remember, Hollomass, Warsaw in Brooklyn
34:20Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the World Inferno Friendship Society
34:24Thank you very much
34:28One of our creepers just said that I brought down that whole line of jokes
34:31By making fun of your name on the internet yesterday
34:33It might have been
34:35It was new, it was new
34:36It was a totally cool joke
34:37We're gonna do a new one
34:38I hope you guys like it
34:39Floating with disaster
34:43High disaster
34:45Swooning over hope
34:47Good night, hope
34:48With wooden dresses
34:50And nicotine stains
34:52Damning the consequences
34:54And consequently down
34:56Hoping with red fruits
34:58And spooks again
34:59Doing no
35:00Clearing up with disaster
35:02Way of disaster
35:04Waking up with hope
35:06Good morning, hope
35:07Being more polite to strangers
35:09Than to your oldest friends
35:11Linking over embraces
35:13And sneaking up before the end
35:15Lisp the lies
35:16And repeating
35:17Repetitious old
35:18Your truth
35:20People were lost
35:22Getting in fights
35:24People were falling in love
35:28Dodging but so
35:30It is the only
35:32Skill you're sure of
35:34A wonderful world of mine
35:38It is not just a matter of time
35:42Ain't no trouble helpless
35:44Or built to include
35:46At this packed funeral
35:48Sing
35:49Sing
35:50Sing
35:51Sing
35:52Sing
35:53Sing
35:54We never got more
35:56We just picked up the foods
35:58And stuff we do
36:00We're trying to pull
36:01We're trying to choose
36:02And something if you cut your fingers
36:04Or maybe I'm still alive
36:05He could have been anyone
36:06You know I have been anyone
36:08No brother's perspective
36:09Back to the kids and his spouses
36:11Who knows he always had a crush on you
36:14And always assumed that you do
36:16Those who find me know about the tattoos
36:19People are getting in fights
36:21People are falling apart
36:23People are falling apart
36:25Dying for so long
36:27Into the old
36:28Please give your soul
36:30You're welcome for a new plan
36:33It is not just a matter of time
36:36Ain't no trouble for help
36:38Just come open to include
36:40That's just what you know
36:41That's just what you know
36:42People are getting in fights
36:56People are falling apart
36:58Ain't no trouble for help
37:00Just come open to include
37:02That's just what you know
37:03You'll see
37:04You're aging punk rockers
37:13Teenage drama
37:15Did you see who just walked in
37:18At this packed funeral saying
37:21What do you do
37:23When no one's looking out of you
37:25Where do you walk in
37:27Explaining yourself
37:29Through the next of kin
37:31At this packed funeral saying
37:33At this packed funeral saying
37:48That's just what you know
37:50It's not just a matter of time
37:52Ain't no trouble for help
37:54You don't have to
37:55It's not this packed funeral saying
37:58At this packed funeral saying
38:00At this back, they'll go up, hey!
38:06Thank you very much.
38:13The World Inferno Friendship Society, that was amazing.
38:18Thank you guys so much for being here.
38:19Truly an honor, our privilege to have
38:22the World Inferno Friendship Society along for the ride.
38:25All right, what's going on over in Cornell, Mike?
38:29I don't know. Does anybody else want to answer that question?
38:32Keep on moving around.
38:34Let's see how far we can go before your Wi-Fi cuts out.
38:37We only have a few minutes left, so take us on a little tour,
38:39if that's okay, Mike.
38:40And if we lose you, I want to thank you so much.
38:42You are a charming, charming fellow.
38:44Thank you very much.
38:45And thank you for organizing all this.
38:46We're going to have to lose audio,
38:47so I don't know if we'll be able to hear you well.
38:49Okay, that's fair, that's fair.
38:50But just take us on a little tour.
38:51Let's see as many people as we can.
38:53Let's just everybody creepily follow behind the computer
38:56as we all go on this tour together.
38:58Here we go.
39:00Can somebody grab my back?
39:02And that's the whole tour.
39:05No, no, he's back.
39:07All right, here we go.
39:08This is the cafe.
39:10We've got people studying.
39:11Totally annoyed at us, which I understand.
39:14Here are people waiting for drinks.
39:19Can I see?
39:20Oh, yeah.
39:21Do you want to see the jerks?
39:22Whoop.
39:25They're right there.
39:26I understand why they're angry.
39:28But still, like, chill out a little.
39:29Be cool.
39:30Yeah.
39:31Here are some dudes having a normal conversation.
39:37Let's see if we can talk to them.
39:38Yeah, let's get on that.
39:39Do you want to be on TV right now?
39:40For what?
39:41We're on a public access show in New York City.
39:44That's pretty cool.
39:45Yeah, thank you.
39:46What are you guys doing tonight?
39:48Studying for an exam.
39:49Which exam?
39:50Biochemistry.
39:51Why are you taking biochemistry?
39:52Why are you taking biochemistry?
39:57I have to.
39:58I'm a pre-med.
39:59Biochemistry is pretty interesting.
40:00I mean, I guess.
40:01You can make more money as a dominatrix than you can as a doctor.
40:08We used to do some cursory Google research.
40:11Have a nice drink, guys.
40:13Okay, Mike.
40:14You're killing it.
40:15You're doing great.
40:16This is exactly what we wanted out of this episode.
40:18Got people quietly studying.
40:20If we stay here too long, we'll get kicked out.
40:22So we got a whisper.
40:23Penis.
40:24Penis.
40:25Penis.
40:26Penis.
40:27Sorry, guys.
40:28I won't be able to hear what you're saying.
40:29Okay.
40:30That's okay, Mike.
40:31You just do you.
40:32The floor is yours.
40:33Penis.
40:34You want to go to the books?
40:35Okay, we're going to the books.
40:36Going to the books.
40:37Vacation, Jason, the banana man.
40:38Heating the charge to the book stacks.
40:39Oh.
40:40Okay.
40:41It's time to go to the books.
40:42We're going to the books.
40:45Vacation, Jason, the banana man.
40:46Heating the charge to the book stacks.
40:47Oh.
40:48Okay.
40:49Is that it?
40:50Has the Wi-Fi taken it as far as it's going to go?
40:53Or will Mike come back to life?
40:54Hey, they got their dildo.
40:56Where?
40:57That's a dildo.
40:59It looks like the Wi-Fi may have cut out.
41:02And that is all for our friend, ladies and gentlemen, Mike from Cornell.
41:06The editor of the library.
41:09We'll see in the next few minutes if we can manage to get Mike back.
41:13But I think we all learned a lot.
41:14I think there were high tension moments.
41:16There was an actual maniac that approached him.
41:19How did that maniac sneak past all 15 people and get to that computer?
41:23I don't know.
41:24He's probably a masked individual.
41:25Because they were talking about their dick, so they were kind of like mesmerized by that.
41:28That's probably it.
41:29We're going to keep trying for Mike, but in the meantime, anything else that needs to be aired?
41:34Any other messages that need to be sent regarding this episode or otherwise?
41:38Paula Deen wrote a blog about sandwich night foods.
41:41That cannot, not ours.
41:42Paula Deen wrote a sandwich-based blog.
41:44Yeah.
41:45Has nothing to do with sandwich night.
41:47Layton's a sandwich night.
41:48Is that true?
41:49That is true.
41:50I just opened it.
41:51Oh, oh!
41:52Mike is back.
41:53We've got to go one more flight of stairs on to get to the computer.
41:56One more flight of...
41:58Nana suits are great.
41:59Sir, wait, I want to talk to that guy.
42:01Oh, wait, Mike, you've entered a shadowy land.
42:03You've entered a dark and shadowy land.
42:06Okay, Mike, we've only got one minute left.
42:08We've got to end on something strong, so find somebody and let's go big.
42:10Mike.
42:11Okay, one more person.
42:12One more person, Mike.
42:13One more person, Mike.
42:14One minute to go, Mike.
42:15I believe in you.
42:16Mike, you have crushed it so far.
42:18You are a charming...
42:19Are you there?
42:22Oh, Mike, this can't be how it ends.
42:30Well, looks like that's how it ends.
42:32Go to Paula Deen.com and search for sandwich night.
42:4010 seconds to get him back.
42:41John Leguizamo versus the dog version of John Leguizamo.
42:45Who wins?
42:46The dog version of John Leguizamo.
42:47Who wins?
42:48The dog version of John Leguizamo.
42:51Who wins?
42:52The dog version of John Leguizamo.
42:53Who wins?
42:54The dog version of John Leguizamo.
42:56Who wins?
42:57Who wins?
42:58The dog version of John Leguizamo.
43:01Who wins?
43:02Who wins?
43:03The dog version of John Leguizamo.
43:04Who wins?
43:05Who wins?
43:06Who wins?
43:07Who wins?
43:08Who wins?
43:09Who wins?
43:10Who wins?
43:11Who wins?
43:12Who wins?
43:13Who wins?
43:14Who wins?
43:15Who wins?
43:16Who wins?
43:17Who wins?
43:18Who wins?
43:19Who wins?
43:20Who wins?
43:21Who wins?
43:22Who wins?
43:23Who wins?
43:24Who wins?
43:25Who wins?
43:26Who wins?
43:27Who wins?
43:28Who wins?
43:29Who wins?
43:30Do you have anything to say to a television audience in New York City?
43:43Hello.
43:45TV.
43:47What would you like to say?
43:49It's a banana costume.
43:53That's the second top of my head.
43:55The mask? I found it on a garbage can a week ago.
43:58Mike, did the guy wearing the mask know you found that in the garbage?
44:03I did not disclose that detail.
44:06Mike, we've been off the air for almost two full minutes.
44:08I want to thank you so much for doing this.
44:10You're the fucking best.
44:11No problem.
44:12Mike, from Cornell, ladies and gentlemen.
44:15And everybody else, please.
44:19Mike, next time you're in New York City, you promise to come visit us?
44:26I'm sure he'll say yes, right?
44:27Yeah, I'm sure he will.
44:28Maybe he'll be back here.
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