- 3 months ago
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00:00It's the Chris Gethard Show. Get to your phones now. One, two, three, four.
00:12Come take a ride. Come take a ride.
00:17That's good. That's one. That's one call. Let's see. Second up.
00:20Hey, girl, where are you in the street? No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:22Sounds like our old friend Jackie is on the line. Jackie, how are you?
00:26Good. Happy holidays, everyone. It's the Chris Gethard Show.
00:29Happy holidays to you, too, Jackie. What's new?
00:32I'm a little bit drunk right now.
00:34You are. You do. You are a fan. When you can't be here in the audience, you do enjoy calling up drunk.
00:40What?
00:42Now, the last time you called up drunk, you made a point of mentioning how much you enjoy Jewish guys.
00:47I'm wearing a shirt right now. I want you to come here to show because I'm wearing a shirt right now.
00:51And it says rock the trail of love because I love the Jews.
00:56You do.
00:56I love them so much.
00:57Okay.
00:59Okay. Now, if you call back again, that counts as two calls, just so everyone knows.
01:04What?
01:05Never mind.
01:06Jackie, where are you tonight that you can't be here? Where are you drinking right now?
01:10I'm going to a friend's party because she's moving away.
01:15I'm going to go stay by her.
01:16And I wanted to tell Random Andrew, Merry Christmas. I love you, Random Andrew.
01:23I love you too, Jackie.
01:24How things have changed. Your greatest enemy now saying she loves you, Random Andrew.
01:29I love everyone there.
01:32That's good.
01:32We love you too.
01:33We love you too, Jackie. Thank you for the call. We've got to get to a whole bunch of other folks.
01:36Oh, God.
01:36Oh, God.
01:37I'm glad you gave us a call.
01:38Yeah!
01:39Yeah!
01:40Yeah!
01:40Yeah!
01:41We almost...
01:42Skype.
01:42What's that?
01:43We're going to Skype in.
01:43Oh, we got a Skype. We got someone on Skype. Our first ever call on Skype.
01:46That's what I'm assuming.
01:47We should get to a Skype call if we have them.
01:49We're going to be able to hear you, though, but we're just going to put them on the screen.
01:51So we can hear them, but they can't hear us, so this counts as a call.
01:54They can see us, though, right?
01:55So if you want to Skype in, jd.amato is the open line on Skype.
01:59How is this going to work?
02:01Yeah, this is crazy.
02:02We've never done this before.
02:03Why are we trying to do things on the night when I have stuff to do?
02:07Hello?
02:07Hello?
02:08Hello.
02:08Hello?
02:09Hello.
02:10I'm calling this weird.
02:13This is weird. Is this Devin Shears?
02:16Sounds like a Muppet.
02:17Oh, Random George is calling.
02:19Yes!
02:20Answer that.
02:20Is this Random George?
02:22Random George is calling.
02:23Yes.
02:24Answer that.
02:25Is this Random George?
02:26Oh, this is a disaster.
02:28Yo, you got to turn your shit down, man.
02:31This is a disaster.
02:32This is just a disaster of noise and technical inefficiency.
02:36I actually think this is a weird terrorist video.
02:39Random George, how are you?
02:40I actually think this is a weird terrorist video.
02:42Oh, God.
02:43This is nonsense.
02:44We didn't think about this at all.
02:48It's Guillerme.
02:49Guillerme's from Belgium.
02:51He's been trying to Skype him for a while.
02:52We should go to that, right?
02:53If the Skype isn't going to work, we should get the guy from Belgium who woke up in the
02:56middle of the night.
02:58Oh, God.
02:59This show is going to be a crazy one.
03:01Let's get to another call.
03:02Connor from Wayne, New Jersey.
03:03You're on the air.
03:05Hey, guys.
03:05What's up?
03:06Not much.
03:06How are you?
03:07If you're from New Jersey, why do you have a southern accent?
03:09What?
03:10What are you talking about?
03:13This guy clearly has a southern accent, right?
03:14A little draw.
03:16Slightly drawlish.
03:16Hey, come on, guys.
03:17I'm just trying to wish you guys a nice, happy holiday, safe holiday.
03:22I'll make it quick for you.
03:23Get you another call on the air.
03:26But how do you say that in yourself?
03:30Yeah, I think some big things are coming out of the way.
03:32How did you find the show?
03:34Just through being a fan.
03:37I liked your Comedy Essentials show.
03:40I won't mention it.
03:41Really?
03:42Yeah.
03:42You're one of the half-dozen people who enjoyed the show.
03:45I liked the show.
03:46Wow.
03:46It was big in the south, from what I think.
03:49Are you from Wayne, New Jersey, or Fort Wayne, Indiana?
03:52No.
03:53Come on.
03:54It says Fort Wayne, New Jersey, which is like a mash-up of two places.
04:00Sorry, Wayne.
04:01All right.
04:02Well, thank you so much for the call.
04:04Keep tuning in.
04:06All right.
04:07We should get to our first weight loss.
04:08So, Jesse, how'd the weight loss challenge go for you?
04:11All in all, pretty horribly.
04:12I was exercising and, like, managing my diet up until the moment we started the challenge.
04:17And then I stopped completely.
04:19Okay.
04:19Yeah.
04:20So there's potential you've gained weight?
04:21I think I've actually, I'm anticipating weight gain.
04:23All right.
04:24So I'm going to get you on the scale.
04:25Random Manager's going to record your new weight.
04:27I'm going to take another call.
04:28Shoeless, right?
04:28No shoes?
04:29Yeah.
04:29I mean, however you did it last time.
04:31Also, our next caller is Alyssa, ladies and gentlemen.
04:37Hi.
04:40Checking in with Alyssa.
04:43Checking in with Alyssa.
04:45Alyssa, what's up?
04:46Alyssa, how are you tonight?
04:48Before you even say a word, I want to say Shannon.
04:50It is the last call of 2011 from Alyssa.
04:53You just said her Melissa?
04:54Alyssa.
04:55From Alyssa.
04:56Okay.
04:56Please don't say anything inappropriate to her.
04:58All right.
04:59It is not a joke.
04:59It makes me uncomfortable.
05:01All right.
05:01It's fine.
05:01Alyssa, what's on your mind?
05:03How are you?
05:04I'm, I got sick just in time for Christmas.
05:07That's the Alyssa luck right there, ain't it?
05:10Yeah, it is.
05:11And also today, we had a Holocaust survivor come and talk to us at school.
05:16He's 86 years old.
05:17And I thanked him and I shook his hand.
05:19And I'm afraid that he got sick and died.
05:22There's an 86-year-old man speaking at your school and Alyssa fears that she killed him.
05:27Why was he, why was he speaking there?
05:29What?
05:30Why was he speaking at your school?
05:33Um, I, I don't know, it was organized by a class.
05:36So this got a random old man?
05:38No, he's a Holocaust survivor.
05:40He's a Holocaust survivor.
05:41So what if he survived the Holocaust, but I killed him?
05:44That's a valid concern and you should worry about it.
05:47I know.
05:48No, don't, you didn't kill, if anything kills that old man, it's his old age.
05:53You can't kill that man.
05:54He survived the Holocaust.
05:56Yeah, you ain't gonna do him, but he survived the Nazis.
05:57But you're never gonna find that out, Alyssa, so you, you should.
06:02You should probably have a memorial service for him.
06:04Otherwise you'll be labeled anti-Semitic, so.
06:06But from what I understand, in order for a Jewish man to die peacefully, the person that killed them has to masturbate to their image.
06:15It's all Jewish folklore.
06:17Boom!
06:20Best one of the year.
06:22Worst one.
06:23Worst one.
06:24Yeah, bitch!
06:25No, no, no, no.
06:26Best one.
06:27Out of all the horrible...
06:28Across the line, the best on that one.
06:30Out of all the horrible things you have said to this 16-year-old girl, that was by far just the most blunt, least comedic, thoughtful behind it.
06:38I never am trying to be funny when I say these things.
06:41I'm being honest.
06:42Alyssa, I'm so, so sorry that you have to be subjected to this.
06:46It's fine.
06:48She never stops...
06:49No, it's nervous, uncomfortable laughing.
06:52It always has been.
06:53I don't think Alyssa's a real person.
06:57She is a real person.
06:58Alyssa, happy holidays.
06:59Thank you for calling the show so much.
07:00Anything else you want to talk about tonight?
07:02No, thank you.
07:03Happy holidays.
07:04Did you hear how uncomfortable you are?
07:05She's laughing.
07:05No!
07:06Her voice goes so productive.
07:07She's having such a good time.
07:09Oh, God.
07:10She wouldn't call in.
07:11You just told a 16-year-old girl to masturbate to a Holocaust survivor.
07:16You can't behave that way.
07:17So, Jesse, how did it turn out with the weight?
07:19I think my pants, like, weighed two pounds.
07:22Before I wasn't weighing, I gained two and a half pounds.
07:24You gained two and a half pounds.
07:25I gained two and a half pounds.
07:26Okay.
07:26But, I mean, it was, like, Thanksgiving, Christmas.
07:28I went kind of nuts with, like, gravy and potatoes and shit, so.
07:31Yeah, man.
07:32Yeah.
07:32I hear you, dude.
07:33Yeah.
07:34Well, I want to thank you for contributing so many wonderful moments to the show.
07:38Probably most of all when you showed up for Don Finnelli's birthday party in a rage.
07:42Oh, yeah.
07:42Yeah.
07:43That was great.
07:43That was fun.
07:44It was super fun.
07:45It was super fun.
07:45Let's take another call.
07:46Daniel, you're on the line.
07:47Daniel, how are you?
07:50Hello?
07:50Yes.
07:51Daniel, welcome to the show.
07:52How can we help you?
07:52Just turn down your TV so we can hear you.
07:55I was going to say, I can literally turn up the phone and can't hear you.
07:58Yeah.
07:58Just do what you got to do, man.
08:00Let's make it work.
08:01All right.
08:02I can barely hear you, but I have a question for the human fish.
08:05Human fish.
08:05All right.
08:07My question is, Hitler versus hand sanitizer.
08:13Based off Alyssa's call.
08:14Hitler versus hand sanitizer.
08:17Amazing question, Daniel.
08:19Who wins?
08:21Hand sanitizer.
08:22Hand sanitizer could have beaten Hitler?
08:24So if hand sanitizer existed during World War II, there wouldn't have been a World War II.
08:30Wow.
08:30Well, Daniel, thank you so much.
08:32And thank you for adjusting on the fly based on that call.
08:35All right.
08:36Thank you very much.
08:37Bye.
08:37Okay.
08:38Bobby, you are on the phone.
08:39How are we doing?
08:39We might get to it.
08:40We're at 7.
08:417 o'clock.
08:41Bobby, how are you?
08:44Bobby, are you here?
08:45Hello?
08:48Yeah.
08:48Is this Bobby?
08:49Yes.
08:49Hey.
08:51Hi.
08:52How can we help you, Bobby?
08:53Hey.
08:53Is Don Finale there or going to be there?
08:58Oh, you've called before.
08:59You're the guy who masturbated to Don.
09:03Well, is he going to be there or not?
09:08No, he's not.
09:09He actually was driving on his way here.
09:10He got caught in a freak rainstorm and had to turn back and head back to New Jersey where he lives.
09:16Okay, whatever.
09:17Bye.
09:19Thank you for the call, Bobby.
09:21Let's go ahead and hear from Gabe.
09:24Gabe, you're on the line.
09:27Hi.
09:27Hi.
09:28Trying to be super quick.
09:30I have a question.
09:31All right.
09:32Here's the deal.
09:34There are two people on the show and they're both, like, pretty crazy, but they don't seem crazy.
09:38I'm talking about Murph and Bethany Hall.
09:41Murph and Bethany.
09:42Yeah, they are crazy.
09:43Murph, according to his stories, has, one, gotten a blowjob from a homeless man while very drunk and also been part of a...
09:50Homeless woman.
09:51Homeless woman.
09:52It was a hand job.
09:54It was a hand job from a homeless woman.
09:57It's like all of us within our stories about, you know, she's had your own experiences and due to their outside experience, they don't seem that crazy.
10:03So, I now have a question from a human fish.
10:06Okay.
10:06Who is crazier?
10:07Bethany Hall or Murph, the rest of the white dog?
10:10Whoa.
10:11Bethany versus Murph.
10:11Level of craziness.
10:12Murph versus Bethany.
10:13Bethany Hall.
10:14Wow.
10:15Bethany is crazier than a human fish.
10:18She doesn't look like it, but after her stories, it totally seems like it.
10:22All right.
10:23Good luck.
10:24You guys can make a hundred calls.
10:25Thank you, Bethany.
10:25You're allowed to respond.
10:26I would find Chris Gessard in his underwear.
10:28Okay.
10:29That got weird at the end game.
10:31Oh, no, I think he's probably right.
10:36You might be.
10:37But I'm also nice.
10:39Let's go ahead.
10:40Now, Drew Johnson, you went after this weight loss challenge.
10:43Yeah.
10:43Yeah, I went after it.
10:45I went after it real hard and so much that I started getting chest pains on a long jog.
10:50And I went to a cardiologist and he told me that I had gas.
10:55You had gas?
10:56Yeah.
10:56In your heart?
10:57In my heart.
10:57He goes, well, you've been eating vegetables?
10:59And I said, yeah.
11:00He goes, you have gas.
11:02And then he escorted me out of the doctor's office and that was it.
11:06So I'm fine.
11:08But I took it very seriously.
11:09So you almost killed yourself in the name of the week.
11:12I thought so.
11:12Let's go ahead.
11:13Let's get you on the scale.
11:14You're one of the top contenders.
11:15In the meantime, we'll also be taking a call from the one and only presidential candidate,
11:19Connor Ratliff.
11:20Welcome back to the show, Connor.
11:21Thank you, Chris.
11:22How are you?
11:26Connor's running for a president.
11:28Hooray!
11:29How come you guys have nailed every music?
11:31We never hit any music cues and now we hit them all.
11:33Connor, what's up?
11:35I am.
11:35Oh, I'm sorry.
11:36I am on the highway.
11:37So I'm driving a car while I make this phone call to you.
11:40But I am hand free.
11:42Take you first.
11:43Okay.
11:44Okay.
11:44I was going to say, you're setting a bad example for America.
11:47No, a great example.
11:49I'm doing it so well that I feel if everyone did it as well as I'm doing it right now,
11:52it should be legal.
11:53So Connor, thank you so much for launching your presidential candidacy on our show.
12:01We've been happy to support you.
12:02Is there anything you want to say to our viewers on our last show of the year?
12:05I just want everyone to have a happy holidays.
12:08I know this is my last Christmas as a citizen who isn't president.
12:12Next Christmas, we're all going to have a different thing to celebrate.
12:15We'll all be opening the gift of me about to be inaugurated.
12:18Okay.
12:19Well, we all look forward to it.
12:20Thank you very much for the call.
12:21Totally awesome.
12:22You guys deserve a snack.
12:23Here's some fruit roll-ups.
12:24Now when I say, who won't sleep?
12:28You say, we won't sleep.
12:29You ready?
12:30Yeah.
12:31Who won't sleep?
12:32We won't sleep.
12:33Who won't sleep?
12:34We won't sleep.
12:35Who won't sleep?
12:36We won't sleep.
12:37Who won't sleep?
12:38We won't sleep.
12:39Who won't sleep?
12:40We won't sleep.
12:41Who won't sleep?
12:42We won't sleep.
12:43Who won't sleep?
12:44We won't sleep.
12:45Who won't sleep?
12:46We won't sleep.
12:46We want to stay up.
12:48All right.
12:49Not go to bed.
12:50No way.
12:51We want to stay up.
12:52All right.
12:53Not go to bed.
12:54No way.
12:55We want to stay up.
12:56All right.
12:57Not go to bed.
12:58No way.
12:59We want to stay up.
13:00All right.
13:01Not go to bed.
13:02No way.
13:07Apple Jacks, ladies and gentlemen.
13:09Banana Man, what'd you think?
13:10I'm pumped.
13:11I'm staying up all night.
13:12You are.
13:12You're staying up all night tonight.
13:13All right.
13:14Drew, since you weighed in, I might ask you to make some room on the panel.
13:16For an old friend of ours who's here tonight.
13:19Ladies and gentlemen, she is one of the beating hearts of this show.
13:24Let's welcome back the one, the only, returning from California.
13:28She's saying no.
13:29No?
13:30What?
13:31You've always...
13:33Are you kidding?
13:34She's texting right now.
13:36She can't.
13:37No, you don't want to come on the show?
13:39I thought you were all about it.
13:41I just looked down all the time.
13:42No, you look great.
13:44You look amazing, random Jean.
13:46You look amazing.
13:47Look at you.
13:50You take juicy.
13:52You don't want to be on?
13:54You look awesome.
13:55I had no idea.
13:57I don't know.
13:58A couple of my friends in L.A. have made comments that I look heavy.
14:01Fuck your friends in L.A.
14:02I like your friends.
14:03What are your friends' names?
14:05What are your friends' names?
14:06I'm not going to give them your name because I know them.
14:07Well, their new names are fuck you.
14:11They're not friends.
14:12They're assholes.
14:13Yeah, I don't like those people.
14:15I hope they die.
14:15You're looking great, Renan Jean.
14:17How's that?
14:17I don't hope they die.
14:18It's actually a lot of fun.
14:20I really enjoy it.
14:21Yeah.
14:21I love San Francisco.
14:23It's actually one of my favorite cities.
14:24I get to go to L.A. on the weekends.
14:26I've been going to a lot of rock concerts.
14:28Wow.
14:29It's absolutely cool.
14:30You're dressed very San Francisco.
14:32I got to see Morrissey the week after.
14:34No, two weeks after that, I went to the K-Rock Acoustic Christmas at University of the
14:38Theater, and then I...
14:39Someone is punching buttons on the phone.
14:42Renan Jean, I ain't there to interrupt.
14:43It sounds like Greg is getting restless.
14:45Greg, you're on the line.
14:49Greg?
14:53Greg?
14:53Is this random George?
14:56That was you?
14:57Awkward call.
14:58Okay, I got a call from our audience.
14:59Never mind.
15:01Let's go ahead.
15:01Does that count?
15:01I'm being told that this is, uh...
15:03Okay, let's go ahead.
15:05Andre?
15:05Andre from Massachusetts, I think.
15:08Are you here?
15:10Andre Cordova.
15:12They put your full name up.
15:14Oh, God.
15:16Awkward.
15:16Not tonight.
15:1941 more calls.
15:2141 calls.
15:22Eight minutes.
15:23Let's do it.
15:23Andre, where are you?
15:24I'm ready.
15:25I'm ready.
15:25I'm ready.
15:26All right, man.
15:26What do you want to talk about?
15:28I'm talking.
15:28What the fuck is going on?
15:32More stuff.
15:32Five dishes.
15:33Awesome.
15:34That's awesome.
15:35What?
15:38Andre, Andre, try to talk.
15:41Andre.
15:43I'm having trouble hearing you, though.
15:45Yeah.
15:47Guys, we got to fix the phone.
15:48We got to figure out what's going on to fix it
15:49before we take any more calls.
15:52What if we talk louder?
15:55We'll figure it out.
15:56Andrew?
15:57Yeah, Mom?
15:58Hey, Andrew?
16:02Yeah, Mom?
16:05Do you have your keys?
16:08I don't keep keys on me, Mom.
16:11Can you leave the door unlocked, though?
16:12Okay, I'll keep the door open.
16:13Make sure you lock it.
16:13I'm coming home at, like, 3 a.m.
16:15Tonight.
16:15So if anybody knows where Andrew lives,
16:17the door's unlocked.
16:20And his mom's awake.
16:21Aw.
16:24Ooh.
16:26Inappropriate, Murph.
16:27Inappropriate.
16:27So, Murph, why don't we go ahead and weigh you in?
16:31All right.
16:31Love you, Mom.
16:32We got a couple more people who can weigh in.
16:34How are we doing?
16:38Do we know what's going on with the phones or not?
16:40We're working on it.
16:42Ladies and gentlemen, returning once we...
16:43As everybody knows, our friend Phil Jackson
16:47just randomly shows up at the show sometime.
16:49Whoa, is that a mic?
16:50You brought your own mic?
16:51Oh, shit.
16:53So you borrowed a mic from Applejacks.
16:55Phil, welcome back to the show.
16:57Is this not working either?
16:59Hello?
17:01Kara, in fact, Kara, just hold on one second.
17:03We'll get to your call in one second.
17:05Okay.
17:05So, um, I was having lunch today.
17:09I was eating some chicken enchiladas.
17:12Got me thinking about weight loss a little bit.
17:15So I wrote a poem...
17:16There we go.
17:18Nice.
17:18So I wrote a poem called, uh, Wait a Second.
17:22It's okay.
17:23I'll share it with you guys.
17:24It's okay.
17:24Okay.
17:24I've lost valuables.
17:34I've lost pride.
17:36I've lost games, love, dates.
17:39But look at my teeny tiny waist now.
17:42Now I'm losing weight.
17:44We've lost dollars.
17:46We've lost scholars.
17:47We've lost shot callers.
17:48We've lost martyrs.
17:49We've lost small business to Walmarters.
17:52We've lost trades to barters.
17:54We've lost poops to farters.
17:56We've lost bench players to starters.
17:59We've lost erections, hardens.
18:01We've gained cities and lost gardens.
18:03We've lost money betting Knicks, Madison Square Garden.
18:08We've lost trials to defense lawyers and presidential pardons.
18:12But look at how good those thighs are underneath that dress, that garter.
18:16You losing weight now, holler.
18:19Is it time for the next caller?
18:22Nah, not yet.
18:24We've lost our breath laughing.
18:28We've lost our test cappling.
18:30We've lost our hooks grappling.
18:33We've lost our thirst snappling.
18:35We've lost our innocence Adam, Eve, snake appling.
18:38We've lost athlete's foot to tough acting to naptic.
18:44We've lost soldiers to shrapnel.
18:46We've lost matadors to radical bulls and lost radical fatigue to red bulls.
18:50Then gotten tired and lost friends for talking that he said, she said that bullshit.
18:55Look at these hips when I twist and dip it.
18:59I'm losing weight.
19:00Is you with it?
19:00So step into a slim gym.
19:04Or step into a gym to get slim.
19:07Or slim down to meet a dude named Jim.
19:10Or put a jimmy on before you slip it in.
19:14Or take a phone call and talk it out.
19:16If there's enough time.
19:17Or get tipsy if there's enough mead.
19:20Why?
19:21Oh, you losing weight.
19:23Looking good.
19:23You're two pennies.
19:24Plus eight pennies.
19:26Two nickels a dime.
19:27Thank you, Phil.
19:35Last poem of the year.
19:37Of course, Phil Jackson writes poems on his fucking Blackberry.
19:40Did you notice that?
19:41And he makes a Blackberry look cooler than an iPhone.
19:44Yep.
19:44He's the only guy who can do that.
19:46It's like a good fight against a pair of khakis.
19:49I want to fight them khakis.
19:51Here we go.
19:52Here we go.
19:53Come on.
19:53Oh, yeah.
19:54Come on.
19:55Oh, no.
19:55I can't fight a girl.
19:57What is this shit?
19:58We got gloves.
19:59You can put gloves on.
20:00Word.
20:01All right.
20:01Let me get my cigarette.
20:02Don't lie.
20:03Don't be fooling.
20:04I'm going to get a bogey.
20:05I have to walk back this way.
20:06Okay.
20:06My dad said he went to get cigarettes and never came back.
20:09You want to fight me?
20:11Fight her.
20:13I think you're a pussy.
20:14I think last night you drank four glasses of pussy.
20:18Fight me.
20:20Well, you're a pussy.
20:21Now these people are filming us.
20:24You see that?
20:24I think you want to engage in an altercation with me.
20:30Fight me now.
20:32I'm about to.
20:33Let's do it.
20:34That's what fighting is.
20:36Someone gets ready inside.
20:36Just get the fuck out of my frame.
20:38I'm serious.
20:38Oh, shit.
20:40Get the fuck out of your frame.
20:42You can't tell people what to do.
20:44You guys got a permit?
20:47Oh, you guys got a permit?
20:48Yeah, we do.
20:49Let me see it.
20:51Show me your permit.
20:52Where's yours?
20:53We are the film academy.
20:55In the best film school in the world.
20:57I don't know about that.
20:58Oh, fucking good.
20:59Oh, I bet that guy is so annoying to do anything with.
21:04His shoes are like clown shoes.
21:08Aren't those shoes crazy?
21:09Oh, man, can you get a zoom on those shoes?
21:12Get out of my frame?
21:14He's like, no, dude.
21:14Get out of my life.
21:17You're training?
21:17Huh?
21:18Are you training?
21:19I'm training.
21:20Okay, listen.
21:21All right.
21:22I'm not going to go hit you hard, okay?
21:24Can you make smoke come out of your nose the entire time?
21:27I would never hurt her.
21:28I would just, I would just, I would just, because it wouldn't last a minute.
21:34Good.
21:35You're not wearing gloves?
21:35Oh, shit, this guy's for real.
21:38Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on.
21:39Hey, hold on.
21:40Be a little knock on the head.
21:41No, I know, but...
21:42If it's too hard on you, no.
21:43All right, give me the pink gloves.
21:45It's too hard on you.
21:45I would never, I would never hit her.
21:50Don't worry.
21:51I'll block him, boom, boom, boom.
21:54Action!
21:55That was over.
21:56Yeah, that could have been a knockout.
21:57Let's see if they do this.
21:59That could have been a knockout.
22:01You don't want to hurt her.
22:03I'm not going to hit her.
22:03I know, you don't want to hurt her.
22:05This guy's no fucking joke.
22:07Yeah.
22:09You know what, and she can fight.
22:10She's a good fighter.
22:12She just needs a little, a little, uh,
22:15I can't talk with this to you right now.
22:19Give it.
22:21She has a lot of intensity.
22:23You know what I'm saying?
22:24She's not afraid to come in.
22:26You know what I'm saying?
22:26She's not afraid to come in.
22:28And, you know, you're not afraid to come in.
22:31You're not afraid to get hit.
22:34I can see you're not afraid to get hit.
22:36I put more people to sleep in this parking cancer.
22:39Yeah.
22:41He's not lying.
22:41I already know he's going in.
22:44You need a cigarette or what?
22:45You want me to try?
22:47I'm trying to knock the cigarette out of his mouth.
22:50What?
22:52Get that jab, yeah.
22:53Answer it!
22:56Get the cigarette out of his mouth!
22:59Look up, look up!
23:00Get him, rip shot!
23:01Look at him!
23:01Whoa!
23:02Whoa, whoa, careful.
23:03Nice, girl!
23:05Good girl.
23:05I got stronger and stronger, and towards the end I was like smacking faces, got some gut punches, some hooks, some jabs.
23:13I started to really start to connect, so I think what today taught me was even if we all fight each other, we can teach each other to fight better.
23:23And then by the end, we'll all be great fighters, and every fight we have will be worth it.
23:30We learn from each other how to fight better, how to hurt each other more precisely.
23:37And I think that's what the world needs.
23:39I think that's what the world needs.
23:43I think that's what the world needs.
24:05Yeah, I got one last thing I want to say.
24:09Fuck the New York Film Academy.
24:13Thank you for fighting that mania work like I said yes to the Chris get it again
24:22not a good-smelling man that I thought there yeah but he's very nice he's very
24:28nice did he hurt you no I mean he hit he did get a couple shots in my head but
24:32it wasn't like okay it didn't like hurt but I was like but when he's like I'm
24:35not gonna hit her I was like you're gonna do this thing we want to thank our
24:41friend Lee K for directing that Shannon's gonna weigh in in the meantime we're
24:45gonna go ahead and we're gonna just take a whole bunch of calls real quick to see
24:48Bethany where are we at we're at 23 and we got about 20 minutes so 80 calls 20
24:53minutes let's do it Amy welcome to the show hi hi how are you thank you for the
24:59call Amy Amy have a great night Naomi welcome to the show Naomi welcome are you
25:05here hey hey what's up all right not much I'm actually here with my little brother
25:10how's he doing he's doing good he wanted to say something okay hey Chris
25:16happy Hanukkah thank you happy Hanukkah to you as well oh why thank you um I have a
25:21question for the human fish well make it quick actually you know I just want to
25:30know what's on his mind have a great night Naomi and the brother Andy from
25:35Minnesota you're on the air welcome to the show Andy from Minnesota are you there
25:40hey Andy Andy how's it going it's going good how are you I'm pretty good
25:45what did you want to talk about anything or should I just go should I get going
25:51what I'm gonna get going Andy thank you for the call up next we got Walter on the
25:55water
26:00Walter you're on the air Walter welcome hey guys how are you it's our Walter Walter
26:05welcome
26:08Walter welcome back to the show you're our first fan you will always be our only fan in our hearts we were so sad you just moved right
26:20yeah I just I moved here to Miami on Monday what that fucking sucks man
26:26everything's going good I just went to the beach today it was really sunny like 81 degrees that was great
26:34all right that's nice that's nice I can't argue with that yeah I just wanted to wish you guys a happy holidays
26:38with you all the best for the next year keep going with the suspects you have and just I miss you guys
26:45thank you you're the nicest person we've ever met Walter the nicest person ever thank you for the call Andy welcome to the show
26:53Andy are you here
26:54yo
26:55yo
26:56yo
26:57what's up man
26:58random gene you look great
27:00Shannon you look great
27:02hell yeah
27:03Chris Gessard you look great everyone on the show looks great well done everybody and fuck the New York Film Academy
27:09fuck everything out
27:10fuck the New York Film Academy
27:11fuck them right in the butt
27:12they're not even accredited so I don't even know why they call themselves a school
27:16hell yeah random gene
27:17you just have to pay to get into the school there's no talent involved
27:19look at this two randoms speaking to each other for the first time ever on the air
27:23now do you guys feel like um
27:26like after Frodo held the ring and he was changed forever
27:29does being a random have a similar effect on you?
27:32wait like are we both Frodo?
27:34in a way?
27:35like you'd be Frodo and you'd be Bilbo but you share that bond with no other rings
27:38yeah
27:39I feel like we both changed
27:42well I
27:43I would like to say that me and Ander are the two only official randoms
27:48I think that's true
27:49George is not a random, Christy is not a random
27:51wow
27:52and Dan is sure as hell
27:53drawing a line in the sand
27:54wow
27:55sure as hell
27:56sure as hell yeah wow
27:57well I'll tell you what random Andrew he don't need more fights
27:59and you're fine
28:00you guys are alright
28:01let's go ahead who's that Mike?
28:02Mike are you on the air?
28:04I'm on
28:05Mike welcome
28:07hey what's up?
28:08not much man what did you want to talk about?
28:11hey I called last week I wanted to shave the human fish
28:14oh you're the creep
28:15you're the creep who wants to shave the human fish
28:20yeah I apologize I was fucked up
28:25so you're calling this week to apologize for your drunken threats to the human fish last week?
28:29I'd like to start fresh I would like you to take the break fish and just think it over
28:38so now you're not threatening to manscape him you're asking him if you can manscape
28:42he's got a great physique
28:45I agree
28:46I agree
28:47exactly
28:48exactly
28:49I called it over
28:51alright well thank you very much for the call Mike
28:53I thought I felt better of it so I wanted to apologize and get that off my chest
28:56no problem Mike it was a funny call it was super fucking weird and disturbing but it was funny so thank you for the call
29:01I think Don Finelli is on the line is that what I'm seeing?
29:04is that what that says?
29:06let's make that font a little bigger
29:08is that what that- I don't know what that-
29:12yo man hurry the fuck up what are you doing man?
29:14yeah man what's up what do you want to talk about?
29:17let's fucking talk here for a rapid call
29:19I'm gonna hang up for two seconds okay?
29:21rapid calls and shit man
29:23Christ almighty you fucking playing with yourself up there
29:26hard to talk man you can do it
29:27Jesus fucking Christ
29:28I'm leaving
29:30alright thanks for the motivation Don I'm gonna rifle through some calls
29:33we got Steve from Massachusetts
29:34Steve welcome to the show
29:35how you doing?
29:36good how are you?
29:37what do you want to talk about?
29:38just wanted to say happy holidays and see how you doing
29:40great man we're doing great
29:42happy holidays to you as well
29:44it looks like we got Joe
29:45is it Joe on the line?
29:47from Ohio
29:48Joe from Ohio
29:50hey how's it going?
29:51it's pretty good but I'm almost definitely gonna be in my underwear by the end of this show
29:54how are you?
29:56good good just wanted to say hi to everybody
29:58wanted to say hi to random team and random Andrew
30:00Bethany and human fish everybody on the show
30:03Shannon O'Neil
30:04you Chris
30:05have a good year
30:07what about Murph and Jesse?
30:08are you from Columbus, Ohio?
30:11are you from Columbus?
30:12what was that?
30:13are you from Columbus?
30:15no I'm from Youngstown, Ohio
30:16alright
30:17fuck you then
30:18great Murph says fuck you
30:19let's go ahead and hear from Curtis
30:21Curtis you're on the show?
30:23yeah
30:24Curtis what do you want to talk about tonight?
30:26nothing
30:27keep going come on
30:28thanks man
30:29thank you bro that's the call we need
30:31Chris from New York you're on the air
30:33how can we help you?
30:34hey what number am I?
30:35I don't know
30:36what number is he?
30:3834
30:3934 oh we can do it
30:40oh god
30:41okay well goodbye
30:42alright thank you so much
30:43random George you're on the air
30:44random George welcome
30:45random George hung up
30:48alright
30:49I think that counts though
30:50I think that does count
30:51cause we went to it
30:52alright ladies and gentlemen
30:53let's get up on our feet
30:54let's have some fun
30:55the call and response
30:56last time got this crowd going
30:58let's build off that momentum
30:59as we welcome back to the stage
31:00the one the only
31:02Applejack
31:13check check check
31:15make some noise
31:16in the microphone
31:17microphone
31:18can you guys hear me?
31:20yeah
31:21oh okay great
31:22alright
31:23this has a sing along part too
31:24it goes cough cough cough
31:26sneeze sneeze sneeze
31:27won't you let me stay home please
31:28it's about how to stay home from school
31:32staying in bed today
31:34cause I feel sick
31:36at least that's what I say
31:38I have the sniffles and a cough
31:41how could you send me off
31:43to school where I don't like to be
31:46when at home I am happy
31:49what could I learn there that I won't see on TV
31:55plus I promise to only watch PBS
32:00climbing trees is a fun thing too
32:03do a lot more fun than going to school
32:06video games are a fun thing too
32:09that's why I don't want to go to school
32:12these videos
32:13ice cream is a fun thing to do
32:15a lot more fun than going to school
32:17scarring masturbation is a fun thing too
32:20that's why I don't want to go to school
32:23cough cough cough
32:25sneeze sneeze sneeze
32:26won't you let me stay home please
32:29cough cough cough cough
32:31sneeze sneeze sneeze sneeze
32:32won't you let me stay home please
32:35it's just one day of the year
32:38if my new practice does fall
32:40this will be clear
32:41it's just one day of the year
32:44if my new practice does fall
32:46this will be clear
32:47climbing trees is a fun thing too
32:49do a lot more fun than going to school
32:51video games are a fun thing too
32:56that's why I don't want to go to school
32:58eating ice cream is a fun thing too
33:01a lot more fun than going to school
33:04scarring masturbation is a fun thing too
33:07that's why I don't want to go to school
33:10cough cough cough
33:12sneeze sneeze sneeze
33:14won't you let me stay home please
33:16cough cough cough
33:18sneeze sneeze sneeze
33:19won't you let me stay home please
33:22it's just one day of the year
33:25if my new practice does fall
33:26this will be clear
33:28it's just one day of the year
33:31if my new practice does fall
33:32this will be clear
33:36Merry Christmas, free CDs for everyone in the audience
33:38Alright, Apple Jacks!
33:41Welcome, we want to welcome
33:42an old friend of ours back to the show
33:44Pat Castles from College Humor
33:46joining us again for our Christmas episode
33:47how are you Pat?
33:48Hey!
33:49How's it going?
33:50Good to see you, we got a seat for you right there
33:51we kicked Murph right out of here
33:52Yeah!
33:53He's got some shady shit to go through
33:54how's everything going?
33:55Good, I'm glad to be back
33:56thank you for having me
33:57congratulations
33:58to everyone
33:59Oh, thank you
34:00congratulations on continuing to do a public access show for free
34:03Yes, exactly
34:04quite awesome
34:05How's everything going with you?
34:07Good, good
34:08I've been watching the show from the back so far
34:11pretty good
34:12Yeah, it's okay, right?
34:13Technical nightmare
34:14Well, last time you were, it was the Human Claw thing
34:17Yeah, the Human Claw
34:18you were here for what was by far the worst bit we've ever done
34:20Is that real? I don't believe you
34:21because it's, from what I've heard like every show is like total insanity
34:25that one was even by the status standards
34:27Well, that one was insanity and also didn't work at all
34:29Yeah
34:30Like it was just me getting dropped on my head off the floor
34:33Yeah
34:34Over and over again
34:35Just kind of fundamentally it was a weird thing
34:36It was fundamentally flawed logic-wise
34:38Yeah
34:39Yeah
34:40MC Crisp was here
34:41Yeah, yeah, he went nuts
34:42And he was a creep, yeah
34:43Yeah, he went nuts
34:44Yeah
34:45A bubble of insanity
34:46Well I'm glad you're here on a more calm night
34:47Now if you'll excuse me
34:48I have to take about 60 more phone calls
34:50And also Rob Malone
34:51I think you're the last guy who has to weigh in
34:52Oh yeah, Omar
34:53I have to get away
34:54Okay, Rob Malone
34:55Omar, let's do it
34:56In the meantime
34:57JZT
34:58King of the Geth Stars
34:59King of my fan club
35:00JZT, welcome to the show
35:01How are you?
35:03John Zachary Townsend, are you there?
35:05Hey, it's fantastic
35:06How are you guys doing?
35:07Good, how are you?
35:08I'm pretty good
35:09I'm having some fights with my brother today
35:11But otherwise pretty good
35:12That sucks, man
35:13Cut that shit out
35:14Thank you for the call
35:15In the meantime, Michael Caine, are you there?
35:18Michael Caine, great friend of the show
35:19Are you there?
35:21Hello?
35:22Yeah, what's up?
35:23Hi, uh, this is your 100th caller
35:26It is not the 100th caller
35:27You are not the 100th caller
35:29No, I, no, listen to me
35:30Listen to me
35:31Listen to me
35:32I'm coming to you from the future
35:34You did it, Chris
35:38Okay
35:39Then I'll talk to you in a few minutes
35:41Thank you for the call
35:42Andre, we got Andre on the line
35:44Andre, are you there?
35:45Yeah, I'm here, Chris
35:46Great show tonight
35:47Thank you, what did you want to talk about?
35:48I just want to say Ratliff 2012
35:50Ratliff 2012, indeed
35:51Let's make that man president
35:53Thank you so much for the call
35:54Who's next? Who do we got next?
35:55Anybody, Patrick?
35:562-1-2-7-5-7-1-3-9-3
36:00That's two, oh wait, who's that?
36:01What's that say?
36:02Lacqua
36:03Lacqua?
36:07Iacqua?
36:08Yes, that's right
36:09Iacqua? Okay, nailed it
36:10Second try, how are you?
36:14No, it's Lacqua
36:16I'm calling from San Diego, California
36:18Alright, how are things in San Diego?
36:23Thank you so much, have a great night
36:25Dan, welcome to the show
36:26How are you?
36:27Hello?
36:28Dan, yeah, you're on the air
36:29What's up?
36:30Hey, I just want to say
36:31I'm a huge Pat Castle fan
36:33And I'm so glad to see him there again
36:35Hell yeah, man
36:36I am as well
36:37I am as well
36:38Thank you so much for the call
36:39We got a very special call right now
36:40Santa Claus, are you there?
36:42Ho, ho, ho!
36:44Santa Claus, are you there?
36:46Hello?
36:48What's up?
36:49What do you want to talk about?
36:52This is Santa Claus
36:54Yeah, how can we help you, dude?
36:56What's up?
36:57I'm very disappointed, Chris
36:59I'm afraid you've made the naughty list this year
37:02British
37:03Yeah, that sounds fine
37:04I'm cool with that
37:05Thank you for the call, Santa Claus
37:06What number are we at, Bethany?
37:07We're at 41
37:0841
37:09Frank, Frank, you're on the air
37:10Frank, welcome to the show
37:11You're on the air
37:12You did it, you could stop
37:14Okay, thank you
37:15Thank you very much for the call
37:17Right now we got, what's that say?
37:18Chill?
37:19Chillie?
37:20Chillie?
37:21Are you there?
37:22It's still me
37:23What?
37:24It's still me
37:26Your 125th caller
37:30Is it Chillie?
37:31Chillie?
37:32Is that there?
37:33Are we switching over to?
37:35How about Matt?
37:36Is Matt on the air?
37:39Chillie!
37:40Hello?
37:41Yeah, what do you want?
37:42Hey, hey, this is Matt
37:44I'm just calling to say
37:45You guys are doing great
37:46Chris, you always make it look hilarious
37:48Even if it goes wrong
37:49It has been
37:50And Random Gene, you look wonderful
37:51I'm glad you're back on the show
37:52Hell yeah, you see that Random Gene?
37:53Don't you doubt yourself like that
37:55Six minutes
37:56We missed you
37:5758 calls
37:58Matt, gotta move on
37:59I appreciate the Random Gene love as well
38:00But Curtis, you're on the air
38:01Welcome to the show
38:02Yeah, hey, keep going, keep going
38:04Thank you Curtis
38:05Curtis, thank you very much
38:06Who do we got?
38:07Who do we got, Patrick?
38:08Let's type it in
38:09Who's on the air right now?
38:10If you can hear me, who is it?
38:11Hello?
38:12Candace
38:13Candace, welcome to the show
38:15Hey, how's it going?
38:16It's pretty good
38:17Gotta get through a lot of calls
38:18How are you? What do you want?
38:19Alright, I just wanted to say hi to Joe Evans
38:21Hey Joe
38:22Joe Evans, young lady calling you up
38:24Joe's on the guitar
38:25It's a very enticing thing
38:27Ladies love him
38:28Let's go ahead and see
38:29Matt from Jersey, you're on the air
38:32Matt from Jersey, what's up?
38:35Hey, I'm just calling to predict the type of underwear that Gethard is going to be wearing
38:40What type of underwear do you think I'll be wearing?
38:43Uh, I'm thinking some purple, like deep royal purple, silk, pink polka dots and briefs
38:49No
38:50I don't know, don't tell me now
38:51I think that's what it's going to be
38:52Hopefully we don't have one minute and a half to take calls
38:54Jeremy, welcome to the show
38:58Jeremy
38:59Who cares? Keep going, keep going
39:01Ted, Ted, welcome to the show
39:04Hello?
39:05Yeah, what's up Ted?
39:06I'm being eaten by a shark, please help me
39:08What?
39:11Alright, how many calls are we at?
39:1349
39:1449, we're not going to get to 51 more calls, I already did
39:16Oh
39:17Help me
39:18Thank you Ted, thank you Ted for the call
39:20Sorry that you're being eaten by a shark right now
39:22Human fish
39:23Loves root loops
39:24You love root roll ups?
39:25Roll up
39:26Alright, we just learned that about the human fish
39:28Who is that? Beverly? Beverly, welcome to the show
39:30Oh, human fish needs to be...
39:31Hello?
39:32Yeah, Beverly, is this Beverly?
39:35This is Beverly
39:36What's up Beverly, how can we help you tonight?
39:39I, uh, there's a bug in my pants
39:43Really sorry about that, Steve, welcome to the show
39:45Steve, you're on the air
39:46Human fish just fucking fell down
39:48Steve, what's up?
39:49Nothing, keep going
39:50Jordan, you're on the show, you're on the air
39:52Jordan, welcome to the show, how can we help you?
39:54Hey guys, I'm a first time calling just saying this show is awesome
39:57I love Applejack and have a great new year
40:00We love Applejack too, you have a great new year as well
40:02Lauren, welcome to the show, how can we help you?
40:04Lauren, are you there?
40:07Hi, yes, I'm there
40:09Okay, goodbye, George, George, George?
40:12I don't know why I thought that would be the hundredth that I was going to cut off at the limit
40:16No? No limit?
40:17We didn't make it
40:18How close did we get?
40:19Not very, 54
40:21We could have done it if the phones didn't fucking break, man
40:23You don't think so?
40:25No, we need two hours to do a hundred calls
40:28I don't know, we could have done it
40:30That would have been 36 seconds
40:32Yeah, if that's all you did
40:33This was a pretty boring show
40:37Don't you think so?
40:39No, no, no, we're going to do a sing along real quick
40:41Random Andrew, before we do
40:42You've got to reveal the winner of the weight loss challenge
40:44So the winner is whoever has the highest percent?
40:46Whoever lost the most of their body weight
40:48Oh, I just gave it to him and then he was going to play
40:50Let's do it, Random Andrew, we don't care all day
40:52Alright, the winner of the weight loss competition is Drew
40:57Drew, congratulations
40:59Gave yourself heart, palpitations, won a bunch of money
41:02In the meantime, we want to invite you to sing along at home
41:05And everybody in the crowd to get up and sing
41:07Ladies and gentlemen, if there's one Christmas song I love
41:09It's by a band known as the Ramones
41:11One of the greatest bands of all time
41:12I'm going to be in my underwear leading this sing along
41:14Merry Christmas everyone
41:16Thank you for supporting the show
41:17Thank you everybody for being here
41:18Everybody who's ever called in in the past seven months or so
41:21LLC, let's take it away
41:23Merry Christmas, I don't wanna fight tonight
41:28Merry Christmas, I don't wanna fight tonight
41:31Merry Christmas, I don't wanna fight tonight
41:44Get up! Everyone up!
41:46Way to stand up and end this way
41:49Tell me not, is it only this way
41:52Where's Rudolph? Where's Princeton, baby?
41:55Merry Christmas, I don't want to marry my house
41:57How the children tucked in their beds
42:00To leave their room in their heads
42:03So I'm all fighting, it's so exciting, baby
42:06I love you, you love me
42:11And that's the way, that's the way
42:13And that's the way
42:14And that's the way
42:15And that's the way
42:16And that's the way
42:17And that's the way
42:18And that's the way
42:19I love you from the start
42:20Cause Christmas ain't the time
42:21For picking each other's hearts
42:22Where's Santa and his sleigh?
42:24Does anyone who cannot believe this way?
42:26Where's Rudolph? Where's Bushy, baby?
42:28Merry Christmas, Merry, Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas
42:32I don't wanna fight tonight
42:34Merry Christmas, I don't wanna fight tonight
42:36Merry Christmas, I don't wanna fight tonight
42:38It's so exciting, baby
42:40I love you, you love me
42:45That's the way that it's time to be
42:48I loved you from the start
42:51It's just a day that comes to making each other's arms
42:54Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight
42:57Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight
43:00Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight
43:03When you
43:08Merry Christmas, everyone. We'll see you in 2012.
43:15Thank you for watching the show. Thank you.
43:29I want to thank Apple Jacks for being here.
43:31I want to thank everyone who called in.
43:32We made it halfway, that's not very good
43:34I want to thank everyone who's been a part of this show
43:36Participated throughout the whole run
43:38We'll be back next year
43:40I think we're starting to get this thing figured out
43:42We almost got it working
43:43We'll get there
43:44Oh, don't do that
43:46New York Film Academy vs. Bell's Palsy
43:52Who wins?
43:53Bell's Palsy
43:54New York Film Academy vs. Getting Kicked in the Dick
43:59Who wins?
44:00Getting Kicked in the Dick
44:01New York Film Academy vs. Watching Your Dog Get Hit By A Car
44:06Who wins?
44:07Watching Your Dog Get Hit By A Car
44:09Yeah
44:12Oh, stay tuned. Next week we got a pre-tape holiday special
44:16Me, the greatest dancer in the world, the Banana Man
44:19Went on a Christmas adventure recently
44:21We're going to show it next week
44:22Back in here we got a little teaser
44:23Where are you guys from?
44:33I'm so tired
44:55So tired
44:57I am just so tired
45:00Thank you everybody
45:01Thank you everybody and have a great night
45:03Thank you everybody and have a great night
45:03Love stream we love you guys live stream
45:18Sorry I just called you love stream
45:20All right, say goodbye to the live stream!
45:26Love stream, we love you guys live stream.
45:28Sorry, I just called you love stream.