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00:00Not the real intro yet.
00:02One, two, three, four.
00:30Hello.
00:40Thank you very much.
00:46Thank you so much.
00:50Thank you, Fish.
00:51Thank you, Fish.
00:52Hello, everybody.
00:52Welcome to The Chris Gethard Show.
00:53I'm your host, Chris Gethard.
00:54We want to say hi to everybody watching on MNN,
00:57everybody watching online at thechrisgethardshow.com.
01:00Very, very happy to have you here.
01:01What promises to be an interesting and weird show.
01:05Here's what's going on.
01:07You know, a lot of people seem to be enjoying our show,
01:09and that's great.
01:10But a lot of people seem to think
01:11that we're not a real late-night show.
01:13They seem to think we're some kind of gimmick,
01:14some kind of novelty act.
01:16Well, that means tonight we're taking
01:17the traditional talk show head on.
01:19We're going right at the most traditional part.
01:22This is going to be one hour of a late-night monologue.
01:26The way this works, we put it out there.
01:29We asked our contributors.
01:30We asked the public at large to contribute jokes.
01:33I have not seen any of the jokes.
01:35We've gotten over 200 jokes submitted.
01:37I'm just going to be saying these jokes all night
01:40in the style of a late-night monologue.
01:43Now, as you can see,
01:44all these people are behind me.
01:45If they like my jokes,
01:46they're going to hold up the green paper.
01:47Let's see what that looks like.
01:49This will never happen.
01:50If they don't like my jokes,
01:53they're going to hold up the red paper.
01:55Let's see what that looks like.
01:56And then our old friend,
01:57the human fish is here tonight.
01:59Human fish, what's on your mind right now?
02:02Larry Sanders show
02:03versus It's Gary Shandling show.
02:07Wow.
02:08Who wins?
02:10Larry Sanders.
02:11Hell yeah, it does.
02:12Hell yeah, it does.
02:15So our old friend, the human fish,
02:16he's going to be gauging this crowd's temperature,
02:19and he's going to serve
02:19as our half-human, half-fish thermometer.
02:22If they like the jokes,
02:23he's going to head towards that cone.
02:24If they don't like the jokes,
02:26he's going to head towards that cone.
02:27If he reaches that cone,
02:29I get punished.
02:30If he reaches that cone,
02:31I get a reward.
02:32The reward is,
02:33I get to take a couple phone calls
02:34and not do that monologue anymore.
02:38So I think that's all the logistics, right, Noah?
02:40I think that's everything everybody needs to know,
02:41so we want to thank you for watching.
02:43I'm going to head back
02:43because we're going to do another intro
02:45in the style of a late-night talk show.
02:47I'll be right back.
02:48Thank you all very much for watching.
02:53Ladies and gentlemen,
02:55from New York City,
02:56a real talk show,
02:58except there's only a monologue.
03:00Well, welcome to the Chris Gethard Show.
03:09He's here to make you laugh,
03:11you know.
03:12He's here to make you smile.
03:14He's guaranteed to entertain
03:16Johnny Carson style.
03:18Or else, or else, or else,
03:21or else,
03:22he's going to get it tonight.
03:30Welcome to the Chris Gethard Show.
03:32We've got a great show tonight.
03:33We have an announcement coming up
03:35from presidential candidate Connor Ratliff.
03:37We've also got the wonderful musical stylings
03:39of Kevin Devine,
03:40which we're all very, very excited about.
03:42So stay tuned for that.
03:43In the meantime,
03:44a lot of things in the news, Fish.
03:46A lot of things in the news, Bill.
03:47Don't know if you've heard about this,
03:50but currency analysts
03:51note that the euro
03:52has dropped to its lowest value
03:54for the year.
03:56Also,
03:57keeps wearing too much cologne
03:58and smoking.
04:00And smoking.
04:02There you go.
04:04There you go.
04:05Here in New York,
04:06this last weekend
04:07was SantaCon,
04:08in which hundreds of people
04:09got drunk,
04:11dressed up,
04:11and revealing Santa costumes.
04:13The street was littered
04:14with ho-ho-hos.
04:16Ho-ho-hos.
04:22According to a new study,
04:23bears have been attacking people
04:25at a higher rate than usual.
04:27When asked for a comment,
04:29the bear attacked the reporter.
04:36Music executive John C. Atterbury
04:38was killed on Monday
04:40where a random stranger
04:41shot him while he was driving.
04:43I have also killed random strangers
04:45with my attempts at comedy.
04:52Bill, I don't know
04:53if you heard about this one.
04:55I probably have.
04:57The Jersey Shore
04:58Snooki
04:59released her very own
05:00fragrance this year,
05:02finally giving married men
05:03across the country
05:04the perfect Christmas present
05:05to buy
05:06their mistresses.
05:11Human fish?
05:12What?
05:14Google has donated
05:16$11.5 million
05:18to help fight
05:19modern-day slavery
05:20of around
05:2127 million people
05:22around the world.
05:24Google's employees
05:24responded,
05:25that's great and all,
05:26but can we do something
05:27about the coffee machine
05:28in the employee lounge?
05:31Boo, Brett!
05:33Go all the way over!
05:34Yeah!
05:37What?
05:38One, two, three, four!
05:39Boo, Hits!
05:40My first punishment.
05:41Boo, Hits!
05:41Boo, Hits!
05:43That was terrible, Chris!
05:45It's like I've already
05:46hit my first punishment.
05:48We've only got eight planned.
05:49It's very early in the show.
05:50Might be doubling up on some.
05:51Who's coming up
05:52to do our first punishment?
05:52I am.
05:53Oh, our old friend, Bethany.
05:54Let's welcome Bethany
05:55back to the show.
05:57So, Bethany,
05:58it looks like you're
05:58going to be paddling me.
05:59I'm going to be paddling.
06:00Can we just show the camera
06:01the paddle that we have?
06:02I'm very excited
06:03about this paddle.
06:04Let's show it to camera.
06:05It's a gorilla surfing.
06:08It's a gorilla surfing.
06:09Okay, so.
06:10Hit me right here.
06:11Watch my mic.
06:11I want to say something.
06:12Yeah.
06:13I've spent so many shows
06:14like screaming
06:15and being like,
06:16I like you.
06:17Don't do this to yourself.
06:18I'm starting to be annoyed
06:19that you willingly
06:20torture yourself,
06:21so I am going to paddle you
06:22as hard as I can.
06:24That's good.
06:25That's good.
06:25Okay?
06:26I should also mention,
06:27can we mention now
06:27that we're on a break,
06:28I should not be judged
06:29on the quality of these jokes,
06:30but on the quality
06:31of my performance
06:32of the jokes.
06:33It was that strut,
06:34that performance
06:35of that strut
06:36that got you there.
06:37That's a fair criticism.
06:38A criticism of the strut
06:39is fair.
06:40Get your wallet
06:41out of that other pocket.
06:42Okay, yeah,
06:42you're right.
06:43Not in a lot.
06:45Okay, Paris.
06:48No.
06:49Do it up.
06:50Snap that shithole.
06:51I deserve it.
06:52Ow, fuck.
06:53It's not hard enough.
06:53Come on, Bethany.
06:54That hurt really.
06:56Ah.
06:56Yeah.
06:57One more.
06:58How many more?
06:58No, how many more?
06:59Go through.
07:00Two more.
07:00Think about going
07:01through the ass.
07:02Ow.
07:02Oh, yeah.
07:04Woo.
07:06Four.
07:07That one was really hard.
07:09That one was,
07:09I would say,
07:10too hard.
07:10Swing to the fences.
07:11Don't listen to him.
07:12He wants this.
07:14Okay, okay, okay,
07:15okay, I'm scared.
07:16Oh.
07:19Okay.
07:21Punishment's over.
07:21Let's go ahead.
07:22We'll get back to our jokes.
07:25Bill,
07:26don't know if you've heard
07:27about this one.
07:29Been a lot of sex scandals
07:31within college football recently.
07:32It's a shame to the sport,
07:33but on the plus side,
07:35my fantasy sex criminal league team
07:37is doing great.
07:39Woo-hoo.
07:42Former Penn State football coach
07:44Jerry Sandusky
07:45has reportedly waived his rights
07:47to a preliminary hearing
07:48for his child sex abuse case
07:50with his defense lawyers
07:52citing the move
07:53as a tactical move
07:55as the defense
07:55has little to gain
07:56from hearing
07:57the alleged victims
07:58recite the same claims
08:00already appearing
08:01in the grand jury courts.
08:03And it's Sandusky,
08:05plus the hearing's totally on
08:07at the same time
08:08as the Suite Life
08:09of Zack and Cody,
08:10a television show
08:10I love masturbating to.
08:15The victims of the Penn State
08:21child sex abuse case scandal
08:23were outraged yesterday
08:25when Jerry Sandusky's lawyer
08:26urged them to attend
08:27his client's hearing,
08:28only to cancel it
08:29at the last minute.
08:30This marks the first time
08:32that Jerry Sandusky
08:33has blue-balled his victims.
08:39Jerry Sandusky continues
08:41to dominate headlines
08:42with allegations of rape
08:43and molestation
08:44of 10-year-old boys.
08:46When asked to comment
08:47on why he would do
08:47such a thing
08:48to 10-year-old boys,
08:49Jerry Sandusky said,
08:50I keep getting older
08:52and they keep saying
08:53the same age.
08:57Well, it was a
08:58Matthew McConaughey line,
08:59I believe, Bill.
09:00It was Matthew McConaughey.
09:02When asked if he acted
09:03inappropriately with children,
09:05Sandusky did not deny,
09:06but rather said awkwardly,
09:08I enjoy children.
09:14I'll see you later, fish.
09:16While Sandusky continues
09:18to put his foot in his mouth,
09:19the public seems happy
09:20that his foot
09:20is the only thing
09:21going in his mouth.
09:23Sandusky said he's...
09:25What's going on
09:26with the teleprompter?
09:27I can't be judged
09:27on this shoddy teleprompter word.
09:29Sandusky said
09:30he's shocked to hear
09:30more children
09:31have come out against him
09:32since he's usually
09:33coming into them.
09:38I didn't write it, folks.
09:39I had just delivered it.
09:41Let's move on
09:42from Jerry Sandusky.
09:43Bill, a lot of sports news
09:45going on lately.
09:45I don't know
09:45if you've heard about that.
09:46A lot of news
09:47in the world of sports.
09:48Mets player Daniel Murphy
09:49is ready to come back
09:50into the game
09:51and play second base
09:52this season.
09:53Unlike football coach
09:54Jerry Slick.
09:56I think we can all admit
09:57Fish, Bill,
09:57I think we can all admit
09:58having a billion dollars
09:59that would be cool.
10:00It would be cool.
10:01Another big story
10:01this year
10:02was nude photos
10:03of Scarlett Johansson
10:04that she took of herself
10:05with her iPhone.
10:07Meaning even Scarlett Johansson
10:08wanted to see
10:09Scarlett Johansson nude.
10:10At a recent Sotheby's auction,
10:18the founding document
10:19that started Apple Computer
10:21signed by Steve Jobs,
10:23Steve Wozniak,
10:24and Ron Wayne
10:24sold for $1.35 million,
10:27but still only came
10:29with two gigabytes of RAM.
10:32I like that one.
10:33Whoever wrote that one,
10:34I like that.
10:35I like that one.
10:37I'm from New Jersey.
10:38Bill, I think you know that.
10:39I talk about being
10:40from New Jersey
10:40an awful lot.
10:41From New Jersey,
10:42which recently took another hit
10:44after the city of Camden.
10:45It's named the second
10:46most dangerous city
10:47in America.
10:48Worst part about that
10:49is that New Jersey
10:50still didn't come in first
10:51for something.
10:57Show's about 48 more minutes,
10:59Fish.
11:0048 more minutes.
11:02Swiss scientists
11:03have discovered evidence
11:04for the existence
11:04of the Higgs boson
11:06particle,
11:07which could lead
11:07to a greater understanding
11:08of the Big Bang theory
11:09and other CBS sitcoms.
11:12Uh-huh.
11:14Come on.
11:17Two teams of scientists
11:18say they have recorded
11:19only hints
11:20of the subatomic particle
11:22Higgs boson,
11:23which existence
11:24is a key
11:25to explaining
11:26why there is mass
11:26in the universe.
11:27The other key
11:28to explaining mass
11:29in the universe?
11:30High fructose corn syrup.
11:31Scientists at Kern
11:39announced earlier this week
11:40that they had made
11:41concrete progress
11:42towards discovering
11:43the elusive
11:43Higgs boson particle,
11:45which many are hailing
11:46as a significant milestone
11:47for humankind's understanding
11:48what the fuck
11:49happens at Kern.
11:50People hate science jokes.
11:54People hate science jokes.
11:55CERN?
11:55I've been mispronouncing
11:57that the whole time.
11:58Scientists in Geneva
11:59have evidence
11:59to say they found
12:00the Higgs boson
12:01or God particle.
12:04They then cornered
12:04relatives at holiday
12:05gatherings
12:06and forced their
12:06particle religion
12:07on them.
12:12Mimi, I think you're
12:13doing a great job
12:13back there
12:14on the hula hoops.
12:15Always a pleasure
12:16to see you, Mimi.
12:16We're going to take a break.
12:19No?
12:19A couple more jokes?
12:21One more joke.
12:22My foreign friend
12:23broke his leg
12:24this morning.
12:26It's true.
12:27How broken was it?
12:29He threw himself
12:29down the stairs
12:30on purpose.
12:31I asked him why.
12:32He said,
12:33you said breakfast,
12:34so I broke fast.
12:38There we go.
12:41Ladies and gentlemen,
12:42very, very excited
12:43to welcome our guest
12:44tonight.
12:45A fantastic musician
12:46who we've been
12:47hoping to have
12:48on the show
12:48for a while.
12:49So psyched that he's here.
12:50You can check him out
12:50at kevindivine.net.
12:52This is what his CD
12:53looks like,
12:54if you want to see that.
12:54And he's playing
12:55at Maxwell's
12:55January 7th.
12:56Maxwell's is a great club
12:57out in Hoboken.
12:58You should definitely
12:59get out there.
13:00Ladies and gentlemen,
13:00please welcome
13:01the one,
13:02the only,
13:02Mr. Kevin Divine!
13:03When you became my eyes
13:21You overwhelmed the sky
13:25Now the ground's hot
13:28And the earth's dry
13:30Here's your answer
13:31Here's your least life
13:34Here's your bright light
13:36Here's your white night
13:39Here's your all right
13:44Here's your all right
13:46Oh, oh, oh
14:03Kevin Devine. Killing it. Make sure you get out to Maxwell's January 7th.
14:15Get more information on Kevin at kevindevine.net, and he'll be joining us again later in the show.
14:19I've been told that we have a caller on the line. I've been told that I should go to that.
14:22Naomi, are you on the phone?
14:25Naomi, are you there?
14:27Yeah.
14:27How's it going? How's everything?
14:29Everything's good. Great.
14:30Great. So what did you want to talk about tonight?
14:32We're in the middle of this monologue, and I think it's going great.
14:34How do you think it's going?
14:35I think you're doing fantastic.
14:37Thank you so much. Most of our studio audience seems to disagree.
14:40That's so tragic.
14:42Yeah.
14:43I had another story.
14:45You have a story?
14:46Yeah.
14:47Okay.
14:48The other day in school, I was not really paying attention, and the announcements came on.
14:54And this kid introduced himself as Dimitri and began to read the announcements in a very thick Russian accent.
15:02And because I wasn't paying attention for a split second, I thought the Dolch Nacov Brigade had taken over my school.
15:08Hell yeah. Hell yeah. You would have been lucky if they did. The Dolch Nacov Brigade is amazing.
15:13Yeah.
15:13Thank you for letting us know about that.
15:16Oh, and I had a question for the human fish.
15:18You did. Okay. Well, the human fish happens to be standing right next to me.
15:21What is your question for the human fish?
15:24Space Jam, the movie.
15:26Wow.
15:27Versus Strawberry Jam, the preserve.
15:30Space Jam, the movie versus Strawberry Jam, the preserve.
15:34Space Jam, the movie.
15:38I think so, too.
15:40Thank you very much.
15:41Naomi, anything else you want to talk about? Thank you for the call.
15:43I just wanted to say that I have no beef with Alyssa. I think that she and I could be great friends.
15:50Was there beef?
15:51No, but you said that I was trying to steal her thunder last show.
15:54Oh. Oh, yes, because you're also... Where do you go to school?
15:59Should I say that? Should I reveal such private information?
16:02Frankly, Naomi, that's up to you.
16:04Well, I live in New York, and I go to school at Arlington.
16:09Okay. Okay. Yeah, no, I don't think you and Alyssa need to fight at all.
16:12Frankly, I feel bad if I insinuated that. Alyssa has enough on her plate with Shannon O'Neill.
16:19Shannon O'Neill is my hero.
16:21Okay.
16:21Thank you very much.
16:22Mine, too.
16:23Mine, too. Thank you very much for the call, Naomi.
16:26I hear that we've got Derek from Pennsylvania on the line. Derek from Pennsylvania.
16:30Let's go ahead. Derek, you and I are going to talk while they reset the teleprompter.
16:36The teleprompter just went crazy.
16:37So, Derek, I'm going to need you to start.
16:39When he reached for a comment, he simply replied, you're fired.
16:43Woo! Obvious joke. Obvious joke.
16:47I got the obvious joke song.
16:48That's an obvious joke.
16:50Poor logistical planning by Noah Foreman and Drew Johnston, who arranged all these jokes.
16:55Time magazine named the protester as its person of the year.
16:58To express their gratitude, thousands of teenagers are camping out at magazine stands.
17:03I sold that one.
17:07You didn't like that.
17:08Ah, God.
17:10The punishments get so much worse.
17:13No polls have been released since Connor Ratliff admitted to a national audience that he'd had an affair with the nation.
17:19Ratliff, who previously admitted he's 35 and not 36, is quickly losing his credibility.
17:24However, he still has my vote, because there's two things I look for in people I like.
17:29Don't tell me you're real age, and have sex with me.
17:36I like that one.
17:37I like that one.
17:38You like that one, too.
17:39That's good, fish.
17:40New York Times story says that young hipsters are then in Facebook for unclear reasons.
17:46Then your mom clicked like on that story.
17:50Thank you, Will Hines, for recycling jokes from your Twitter.
17:53Read that earlier today on your Twitter, Will Hines.
17:56Thank you very much.
17:57Time magazine's person of the year award was given to the protester.
18:00In response, millions of non-protesters are now protesting outside the Time magazine offices.
18:08All right.
18:10Louis C.K. started selling his new stand-up special for $5 this weekend.
18:15I used to be the star of a Comedy Central show, and now I have a public access show.
18:19Fuck my life.
18:23I want to thank whoever...
18:28Wow!
18:29This!
18:30All right.
18:31I get to take a couple calls.
18:32Bravo!
18:332-1-2-7-5-7-1-3-9-3.
18:362-1-2-7-5-7-1-3-9-3.
18:39We got a caller.
18:40My whole reward is I get to kill some time on the calls, and there's nobody who kills time
18:44like the person who's on the phone right now.
18:46Random Gene, welcome back to the show.
18:50How's it going, Gene?
18:53Gene, turn down your TV.
18:55You were on this show.
18:56Gene, I'm going to have to hang up on you, and I only get to take a couple calls.
19:04Gene!
19:09Random Gene.
19:11I'm not going to...
19:12Oh, my God.
19:14Have a great night, Gene.
19:15Whoa!
19:16I got to hang up on you, Gene.
19:18This is taking forever.
19:19This is where I would hang up.
19:20Hello?
19:21You're done.
19:22Sorry, Gene.
19:23Call back or something, because you've got to turn your TV down.
19:26Noah from New York.
19:27Noah from New York.
19:28You are on the phones.
19:29Noah from New York.
19:30Welcome to the show.
19:30How can we help you?
19:32Hello?
19:32Hello, is that Chris Gessard and the whole of the show?
19:38Yes, Noah, you're here.
19:39Make sure you turn down your TV or your computer.
19:41You're on the show.
19:42How can we help you tonight?
19:44Okay.
19:45Well, I'm kind of buddies with Random Andrew.
19:48We have been friends since long before he was random, and he has...
19:53Yeah, that's right.
19:55He has...
19:57Yeah, come up.
19:58That's my friend.
19:58That's my best friend.
19:59Get that.
20:00Andrew, give me a smooch over TV, real quick.
20:03Real quick one.
20:05We don't normally do that, but we normally talk through public access.
20:09Okay, the other thing is that you have said red to every single joke so far,
20:15and I'm wondering why you think you're so funny,
20:18and I would very much like to see you deliver one of these jokes.
20:21Wow, I like that idea.
20:23Noah, I like that idea.
20:25I'm not going to lie.
20:26I've given...
20:27Not all reds, but I've given a lot of reds.
20:29You're given reds?
20:30It doesn't feel, like, natural.
20:31Like, it's just so obvious you're...
20:32I know you never read these.
20:33I don't mean to be hard, but it's...
20:35Wow.
20:35I'm being honest to be honest.
20:37After I saved you from the scorn of our audience, this is how you repaid me.
20:40I don't want to hurt you or anything.
20:41Let's set up a joke.
20:42Let's let Random Andrew do the next joke.
20:44I love this television show because that's exactly what I asked before, and then they did it.
20:48Let's go, because you're only telling one.
20:50This should be a do or die.
20:51This is a do or die situation.
20:53Either he sells it or he is a punishment.
20:54I think this is a do or die.
20:55You're only telling one joke, so...
20:56If it's green...
20:58Mike, they're already going to give me a red.
20:59We'll see.
21:00We'll see.
21:01Let's set it up.
21:01Let's set up the next...
21:03Okay, Random Andrew, let's see how you like doing this.
21:06I have really bad eyesight.
21:07Excuses?
21:08Have I made one excuse tonight?
21:10Which mic?
21:11That mic, right there.
21:14Here, let's hurry it up.
21:16No, he can just say it into my mic.
21:18Can we move closer, though?
21:19Can I just say it in there?
21:22All right, Noah, this is for you.
21:24New York Post revealed that Derek Jeter gives his one-night stand signed baseballs when they
21:28leave his place.
21:30In related news, my mom gave me a Derek Jeter signed baseball for Christmas.
21:34This is for Christmas.
21:37Die.
21:38Die.
21:40Andrew, I'm holding up a piece of red construction paper.
21:43I have them with me for just in case for that you make a bad joke.
21:47Yeah, yeah, yeah, bra.
21:48Let's put the bra on Random Andrew.
21:50I don't want him to have to take one of the real fucked up ones.
21:53Random Andrew, harder than you thought, right?
21:56Have you touched a bra before, Random Andrew?
21:59Well, Random Andrew, let's have you sit down.
22:01Random Andrew, let's have you sit down and put that...
22:03That's a $3.50 bra.
22:05That's a 36C cup.
22:07That's a 36C.
22:07It said the bunny put the bra on you.
22:09So we're going to get, oh, I guess the end of my reward to kill a little bit more time
22:13before I have to tell him our monologue jokes.
22:15We have a very special guest with us.
22:16You heard his name come up in the monologue.
22:19He has a very special announcement.
22:21He's been talking on Twitter all week about how he has his first ever real celebrity endorsement.
22:25Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, presidential candidate Connor Ratliff.
22:28Connor, welcome back to the show.
22:38How's the campaign going?
22:39It's going very well.
22:40Thank you for having me back on the show.
22:42I have to admit, I'm a little bit nervous about appearing in the same shot with you
22:46while you have a Hitler mustache.
22:47Fair.
22:47I can't help but think this is going to hurt me in the campaign.
22:50Fair.
22:52A lot of jokes tonight, but I got to tell you there's one thing that isn't a joke,
22:57and that is celebrity endorsements.
23:00Very true.
23:00That can make or break a campaign.
23:02Yes.
23:02Oprah Winfrey endorsed Barack Obama, and he's the president now.
23:05Yeah.
23:06And I'm here tonight to announce a reality television celebrity who is endorsing me for president.
23:13Wow.
23:14Huge.
23:14It's huge.
23:15It's enormous.
23:16It's a game changer.
23:17Let's watch the video.
23:22A lot of the other candidates who are running for president have been working feverishly
23:27to secure the endorsement of reality television celebrity Donald Trump, seen here attempting
23:33to perform comedy in a skit with former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani.
23:38Oh, you dirty boy.
23:40Oh, Donald, I thought you were a gentleman.
23:44Hmm.
23:44You can't say I didn't try.
23:48He did try to be funny, and he failed.
23:53Why would anyone want an endorsement from Donald Trump?
23:57He's awful.
23:59If you're going to get an endorsement from a reality television celebrity, why not get a real
24:04man, why not get a survivor?
24:09The Dragonslayer.
24:12Coach from seasons 18, 20, and 23 of the CBS reality series Survivor.
24:21Baby!
24:22We're back in the driver's seat, baby!
24:24We own it now!
24:25We gotta have two more.
24:26You know who I want in the driver's seat?
24:28Connor Ratliff.
24:30I'm voting for him for president.
24:31You know why?
24:33Because he's 35.
24:3436.
24:3436.
24:3436.
24:3436.
24:3436.
24:3636.
24:3736.
24:3836.
24:3936.
24:4036.
24:4136.
24:4236.
24:4336.
24:4436.
24:4536.
24:4636.
24:4737.
24:4837.
24:4937.
24:5037.
24:5137.
24:5237.
24:5337.
24:5437.
24:5538.
24:5838.
24:5938.
25:0038.
25:0139.
25:0239.
25:0339.
25:0439.
25:0539.
25:0639.
25:0740.
25:0840.
25:0940.
25:1040.
25:1140.
25:1240.
25:1340.
25:1440.
25:1540.
25:1640.
25:1740.
25:1840.
25:1940.
25:2040.
25:2140.
25:2240.
25:2340.
25:2440.
25:2540.
25:2540.
25:2540.
25:2540.
25:25Game-changing news, Connor.
25:32Congratulations.
25:33That's right, that's right.
25:34And I can also announce tonight,
25:35Coach, known as the Dragon Slayer,
25:38has given me a nickname.
25:40Wow.
25:40The Truth Seeker.
25:42Wow.
25:43Pretty powerful stuff.
25:44You're getting a lot of greens.
25:46A lot of greens held up for that.
25:47Do I get a reward?
25:49No, I think the reward is the votes of the American public.
25:51I'll take it.
25:53Fair enough.
25:53Connor, thank you so much.
25:54Thank you very much.
25:55Congratulations.
25:55Congratulations on your endorsement.
25:57In the meantime, we've got to go ahead
25:58and get back to our monologue.
26:04I think it's going great.
26:05Bill, how are you feeling about this tonight?
26:06Really, really good.
26:08That's good.
26:09That's good.
26:09I like you, Bill.
26:10I like you a lot.
26:12Bill, I don't know if you heard about this.
26:13I don't know if you're a baseball man, Bill.
26:15The 2011 National League MVP, Ryan Braun,
26:18has tested positive for steroids.
26:20Don't worry, Ryan.
26:21I totally understand what you're going through.
26:23I need performance-enhancing drugs
26:24to perform at best mediocre comedy.
26:29I was just mean to myself.
26:31The NBA is back and preparing to kick off Christmas Day.
26:34Commissioner David Stern has asked NBA coaches across the nation
26:38to not let General Payne in the ass Dwight Howard know about it.
26:42Not many sports fans in our studio audience tonight, Bill.
26:48Not many sports fans at all.
26:49That one deserved the punishment.
26:51Bad joke.
26:53That was terrible.
26:55Murph, our old friend Murph.
26:57Welcome back to the show.
26:58Murph just got up.
26:59Murph.
27:00Oh, fuck.
27:00I don't like this one.
27:03Let's hold him up to camera.
27:04Hold him up to camera.
27:05I think we might go side of the cookie.
27:08What am I going to do?
27:10What am I going to do?
27:11You guys show the red.
27:13You guys showed the red, and now we all get this.
27:15You choose the digits.
27:16Whatever digits you want.
27:17How bad is this going to hurt?
27:18You got ears.
27:19Not ears.
27:20Are you out of your mind?
27:21I got to take a mouse trap.
27:23Where should I?
27:24How about, like, right there?
27:25You chose it.
27:27Christopher Gethard chose it.
27:28How bad could this be?
27:30Well, it was a horse.
27:32Do it!
27:33Just stay puffed, marshmallow.
27:35I can take him to the top.
27:37That's all I'm saying.
27:37Bro, you don't even know your name.
27:39What does that mean, take him to the top?
27:42The top of your dick.
27:45Who are you, man?
27:46What's your story?
27:46The human fish and I, we touched all day back and forth.
27:50He knows me.
27:52He knows who I am.
27:54The human fish is shaking his head no,
27:56as if he definitely does not know you, sir.
27:58Listen, listen.
28:03I'm coming down there next week.
28:05What time should I be?
28:06You are the most aggressive human being I've ever interacted with.
28:12Great.
28:13This was a great reward, talking to you.
28:15Great reward.
28:16Talking to a guy threatening to shave my friend.
28:20All right, let's go ahead.
28:21We got to get back.
28:22And he'll thank me when it's over.
28:23Dude, what happened?
28:27What happened to make you like this?
28:32Good night.
28:34I hope that guy doesn't show up next week, fish.
28:36You like your hair.
28:37It keeps you warm underwater, right?
28:40All right, let's get back to the jokes.
28:42Ladies and gentlemen, a lot of monologue to get through tonight.
28:44The NBA season will kick off on Christmas Day
28:47with an eagerly anticipated rematch
28:49between LeBron James' Miami Heat
28:50and the world champion Dallas Mavericks.
28:53Mavericks' victory could pave the way
28:55for another championship run by Dallas,
28:57while a Heat victory would mark the first time
28:59the Grinch ever successfully stole Christmas.
29:02I feel a lot of stuff going on in politics, man.
29:11A lot of stuff.
29:11Newt Gingrich...
29:12Fuck.
29:20Newt Gingrich today
29:21said that poor schoolchildren
29:24should clean their school's bathrooms
29:26to earn extra money.
29:28Poor schoolchildren responded by saying,
29:30shut the fuck up, old man.
29:32Got that one back.
29:35Got that one back.
29:36You have to be an initial mispeak.
29:37Charlie Sheen still in the news.
29:39Charlie Sheen got confused
29:40and posted his phone number on Twitter.
29:43Worse, he also started talking on his phone
29:46only 140 characters at a time.
29:49Good one.
29:50Again, Will Hines recycling his own Twitter feed.
29:53Did you know that Dr. Seuss's first wife
29:56committed suicide?
29:58No joke here.
30:00Just an incredibly sad fact.
30:02I like that one.
30:06Bill, not so much.
30:07Didn't like that one.
30:12Camera's still on Bill.
30:14Bill Rick Perry continues to emphatically
30:17repeat his faith in God,
30:18mostly because an all-powerful deity
30:20is his only chance of winning.
30:22I thought I got it.
30:25I thought I did it all.
30:26Fuck.
30:26One, two, three, four.
30:28Boo Hits!
30:29Boo Hits!
30:30Boo Hits!
30:32That was terrible, Chris!
30:35All right, what do we got next?
30:36Bethany, you're back.
30:37The paddling was my least favorite.
30:38Okay.
30:39All right.
30:40I got some Vicks.
30:41Some Vicks VapoRub.
30:42I believe the plan here
30:43is you're going to rub it all over
30:44underneath my eyes
30:45so I can no longer even read
30:47the teleprompter properly.
30:49You chose this.
30:50Let's do it.
30:53Come out in front.
30:53Come out in front.
30:54Not on the eyelids.
30:55Under here.
30:55No, no, I know.
30:56Oh, this is going to be bad.
30:58How do you do this to yourself?
31:00Because we've got to put on a show
31:01every Wednesday.
31:02It's hard to think of shit
31:03for this dumb show.
31:05I'm going to get a whiff...
31:07Oh, this...
31:08Oh, this...
31:09A little more.
31:10A little more.
31:10A little more?
31:10Yeah, a whole bunch.
31:11Put it on thick.
31:12You look like you're cracking.
31:13It's really bad.
31:16Oh, when I put my glasses on,
31:18it's going to trap the fumes.
31:19Hitler looks so sad.
31:22Okay.
31:22All right.
31:23Hitler's crying.
31:23Oh, God.
31:25Oh, God.
31:25This is not going to...
31:26This is only going to get worse
31:27throughout the show.
31:28Welcome to Ginger Hitler
31:30Christmas Special.
31:33Shannon, you nailed that.
31:33You would have gotten all green
31:34if you were out there.
31:36Let's go ahead.
31:37Let's get back to the jokes.
31:46But seriously,
31:47Rick Perry is done.
31:49The U.S. hasn't elected
31:50a fumble-mouthed political cowboy
31:52since 2004, 1988, 1980.
31:551964, 1948, 1920, 1904, 1869,
31:591845, 1840, 1829, and 1789.
32:05Got all that out.
32:07Former presidential candidate
32:08Herman Cain
32:09has reportedly gone
32:10into the skunk-selling business.
32:13Reached for comment,
32:14Cain said,
32:15it makes a lot of sense.
32:18It's a T.
32:18It's a T.
32:19T.
32:20T.
32:20T.
32:20There's been much debate
32:24about whether or not
32:24the Plan B pill
32:26should be over-the-counter
32:28as a drug.
32:29So now,
32:30it remains only attainable
32:32by prescription,
32:33though the FDA has said
32:34they will still allow
32:36over-the-counter purchases
32:37of coat-hangers.
32:43I like it.
32:45I have to say,
32:46incredibly hard to see
32:47with Vicks Vaple Rub
32:48in my eyes.
32:50Bill, I don't know
32:50if you have ever had
32:52Vicks Vaple Rub
32:52on your face.
32:54You have.
32:55Hallie, how about you?
32:55Hallie, how about you?
32:56Never.
32:57I would never,
32:58I would say,
32:58don't do it.
33:00Not pleasant.
33:01Sadly,
33:01Steve Jobs died this year
33:03after a long battle
33:04with cancer.
33:05In a phone interview
33:06right before he died,
33:07Steve Jobs said
33:07there are more
33:08of his innovations
33:08on the horizon.
33:10He was starting
33:10going into more detail,
33:12but his phone
33:13then dropped the call.
33:15It would help me a lot
33:16with the delivery of these
33:17if we had the right
33:19grammatical words
33:20in the sentences
33:21on the teleprompter,
33:22but I deserve that one.
33:24Last week,
33:25Herman Cain suspended
33:26his campaign
33:27due to the rising controversy
33:29over affair allegations.
33:31Cain insists
33:32that he never made love
33:33to any of the women
33:35in question.
33:36He then went on
33:36to clarify
33:37that he did, however,
33:38have dirty, nasty
33:39sex with them.
33:42Oh, God.
33:46Nintendo Game Boy
33:48is the hot Christmas gift
33:49of the season.
33:50Nintendo hopes
33:51that the success
33:52of the device
33:53will lead to a sequel
33:54of the product,
33:55the Nintendo Game Man.
33:59After that,
34:00the Nintendo Game Grandad
34:02end of the joke.
34:06Weird answer to that joke.
34:08The Smiths were once again
34:09overlooked for the
34:10Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
34:12Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
34:13said they have no plans
34:14to add a category
34:15for overrated bands.
34:17Oh, we got a reward.
34:30We got a reward.
34:30Okay.
34:31Bravo!
34:32Bravo!
34:33Bravo!
34:34Get third way to go.
34:37All right,
34:38ladies and gentlemen,
34:39and as our reward
34:40for all of us,
34:41once again,
34:42remember,
34:42Maxwell's 1-7.
34:44More information on them
34:44at kevindivine.net.
34:46Let's welcome back
34:47to the stage.
34:47Feel free to get up
34:48and dance, everybody.
34:49You can find your seats
34:49again afterwards.
34:50Let's welcome back
34:51to the Chris Gethardt Show
34:52the one and the only
34:53Mr. Kevin Divine!
34:54Kevin Divine!
34:54Walked in the world,
35:00became a Catholic.
35:03The oil and the guilt.
35:07Somewhere in high school,
35:09switched to atheist.
35:11Your anger in your will
35:14Turned 25,
35:17freaked out by everything.
35:20Your body's piled up.
35:24You fled to your mind
35:25when they stopped listening
35:27And said enough's enough.
35:31What if it's all just jokes?
35:34Casper the Holy Ghost
35:38What if it's all just stones
35:42you get to throw?
35:46And every single time
35:49that you open your mouth
35:50Someone else's lies
35:53came tumbling out
35:55Parading as the truth
35:57in a cap and a gown
35:59A graduated curse
36:01you cast to the ground
36:03To settle your debts
36:14You took a dozen steps
36:17I started on the path
36:20Kept falling off
36:22And faced with righteousness
36:25You couldn't work the math
36:29Got in the wood
36:31The words
36:31The coffee pot
36:34It wasn't Ed or not
36:37The war with yourself
36:39Afraid of everyone
36:42Said enough's enough
36:45And how could you ever know?
36:49What if you said you don't?
36:52What if you cleared your throat
36:56What if you cleared your throat
36:56And let it go?
37:01And every single time
37:03That you opened your mouth
37:05Something like the truth
37:07Came struggling out
37:09A picture of the past
37:11You kept whittling down
37:13To a version of yourself
37:15You could follow around
37:18Oh, oh
37:19Oh, oh, oh
37:22So what if the end just ends
37:36It's worthless to worry then
37:40To wrestle yourself to death
37:45Again and again
37:47Now every single time
37:51That you open your mouth
37:53Give yourself a breath
37:55Cause you're working it out
37:57The answer's in between
37:59All the concrete and clouds
38:02It's anywhere you want
38:04Yeah, it's next to you now
38:06Yeah, it's next to you now
38:23Oh, oh, oh
38:27It doesn't make sense, Bill
38:29This one doesn't even make sense
38:31It's the L's that are
38:32It's really hard to pronounce L's
38:34With ambasol on your tongue
38:35I sound like I have like
38:38A weird old Jewish man's accent
38:40They're just typing this one now
38:43Donald Trump was in the news today
38:45Canceled his debate
38:47When people
38:50Type faster if you're gonna do this
38:52When people asked him about it
38:54He said
38:55You're fired
38:58You're fired
39:00Let's get poor jokes
39:02Come on, man
39:03Don't type him in
39:05What are you doing?
39:06Donald Trump said
39:08You're fired
39:09Donald Trump said
39:11You're fired
39:12Now he just sat me up
39:13My tongue's completely numb
39:15I don't know how long
39:16Ambasol lasts
39:17But it's very severe
39:18Now they just typed in
39:20You're fired
39:21Bill, at this point
39:23I feel like they're fucking with me
39:24You hear about this?
39:26My name is Chris Gethard
39:29That's spelled
39:32Get hard
39:34That's it?
39:36That's our whole show tonight?
39:38All right, well I want to thank everybody in our audience
39:40For putting me through this
39:41I want to thank everybody for participating about it
39:43In it
39:44I want to thank everybody for watching at home
39:45Both on TV, on MNN
39:47And at thechrisgethardshow.com
39:48Also, this Saturday
39:50If you are a fan of comedy
39:51Myself, Shannon
39:52And a number of other performers of ours
39:53We're performing at Brooklyn
39:54At the Lyceum
39:55Benefit show for a friend of ours
39:56Come out if you're free
39:58We'll see you guys next week
39:59It's at 10pm
40:00That show out at the Lyceum in Brooklyn
40:02Thank you so much
40:03Thank you to Kevin Devine for coming by
40:04You were really great
40:05Next week, our last show of the year
40:07We got Apple Jags in the studio
40:08All sorts of fun stuff
40:10Check it out
40:11Say hello
40:12Thank you guys so much
40:13Thanks everybody who submitted jokes tonight
40:15Have a great night
40:15That last one was fucked up
40:19We're in support of Occupy Wall Street
40:38Americans seem unclear about
40:40Like it's putting his nose in our business
40:44It's really bad
40:46Of course, Governor Rick Perry
40:48Didn't take Romney's bet
40:49Saying he wasn't in the betting business
40:51Perry later admitted
40:52That part of the reason
40:53He turned him down
40:54Was that he was afraid
40:55It might be a gay thing
40:56Asked to clarify
40:57He said, I don't know
40:58It just felt faggy
40:59I don't like that
41:01We shouldn't be saying that word
41:02On this show
41:02Elaborating furry
41:04Fur
41:05It's hard
41:07Alright, say goodbye to the live stream
41:18Bye live stream
41:20Thank you guys so much
41:21We hope you enjoyed it
41:22Come back next week
41:23Tell your friends
41:24You guys are the best
41:25Thank you for supporting us
41:26All right
41:28Thank you for listening to the live stream
41:31You