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00:003, 2, 1, 1, 2, 3, 4
00:04Well come take a ride, come take a ride
00:15With the weirdest guy, no, but it's Wednesday night
00:18It's Wednesday night, and now you need to go
00:21The Chris Gethard Show, Chris Gethard Show
00:25Chris Gethard Show, Chris Gethard Show
00:29Hello everybody, welcome to The Chris Gethard Show
00:34We're very happy to have you all here tonight
00:36I'm your host, Chris Gethard
00:37If you're watching the show, we really appreciate it
00:39Please go on Twitter, Facebook, let people know
00:41They can watch live streaming at www.thechrisgethardshow.com
00:45And please do call in, the number should be appearing on your screen
00:48If it's not already, it will shortly
00:50Before we get into what we're going to talk about tonight
00:52I've got a lot of special guests joining me
00:54My assistant Bethany, as always, is here
00:57Gethard Show regular Shannon O'Neill down there at the end
01:00And then we have some first-timers with us
01:02First, we've got Mr. Matt Besser of the Upright Citizens Brigade
01:05How are you doing, sir?
01:06I'm doing well, thanks for having me
01:08Please, thank you, thank you for being here
01:10Thanks, guys
01:11The man who, one of the people who built the theater
01:13Where my comedic sensibilities were born
01:15Yeah, I'm the carpenter that built the theater
01:17Yes, you are
01:18So it's fair on some level to say
01:20Everything that happens tonight is your fault
01:22Here?
01:24Yeah
01:25I only built the roof here
01:26That's true
01:27We've also got the one, the only Mr. John Mulaney
01:30Hey, everybody
01:30John is a writer at SNL, one of my favorite stand-ups
01:36You're taping a special here in New York on the 25th of August, right?
01:39Yeah, the 25th of August, if people want to come
01:41Yes, so New Yorkers should go
01:42And Matt, tomorrow you're doing the backroom at the UCB Theater
01:45Yeah, the backroom, UCB Theater
01:47You're going to be in it, Chris
01:48I am going to be in it
01:49What character are you going to do?
01:51I don't, do you want me to do the kid from Deliverance or Darryl Strawberry?
01:56I kind of want to see the Deliverance guy
01:57Okay, I'll do the kid from Deliverance then
01:59So if you're in Manhattan, you're out there watching
02:01Come to the UCB Theater, go to ucbtheater.com
02:03You can get tickets for that
02:04And you guys, you're first timers
02:06You might not know some of the people we have with us
02:09We have, back there in the corner, we have Random Gene
02:11The one and only
02:12Can I say something about Random Gene?
02:17Sure
02:18She was jumping some of the lines on the theme song
02:21Oh yeah?
02:22Okay, already getting notes, Random Gene
02:24Random Gene, our second show
02:27This is our eighth show we've ever done
02:28She called into the show
02:29She said, what is this show?
02:30Why are you doing this?
02:32And we said, you should come to the studio and hang out
02:34And now she just does
02:35She just keeps showing up
02:36It's not a joke, it's not a bit
02:37She's done like six shows?
02:39This is your seventh show with us
02:41Out of eight
02:42And you are, it's true
02:43I don't know you
02:43You are Random
02:44We have very brief email exchanges from time to time
02:47That's the extent of our relationship
02:49And as always, joining us
02:52The mysterious man from the sea
02:53We do not know much about this creature
02:55Except that he recently emerged from the sea
02:57He's trying to figure out the world of men
02:59Please welcome the human fish
03:01Ladies and gentlemen
03:02Human fish
03:05Human fish
03:07What's he thinking?
03:09Human fish
03:10Human fish
03:12Human fish
03:13So mysterious
03:15Human fish
03:17So the human fish
03:21Like I said, we don't know much about him
03:22But you can always ask him what's on his mind
03:24And he always has some sort of internal struggle going on
03:27And he'll explain what it is
03:28So like human fish, what's on your mind right now?
03:31Sam Watterson versus Jerry Orbach
03:35Sam Watterson versus Jerry Orbach
03:37Jerry Orbach
03:38In just a living or dead contest?
03:40Wow, okay
03:40We don't know the criteria
03:42He never explains himself
03:43Okay, cool
03:43So who wins?
03:44Jerry Orbach
03:45Jerry Orbach
03:46He's on Broadway
03:47He was
03:48Can we ask him questions?
03:50You can, but he will only answer in battle form
03:53Blank versus blank form
03:54So you have to phrase your question as a battle between two things
03:58He has scale
03:58Conor Ratliff announced his run for
04:02He's running for president of the United States
04:04His platform is, very simply put
04:06You have to be 35 to be president
04:08He is 35
04:09Ladies and gentlemen
04:10Conor Ratliff
04:11Let's see how he's doing
04:12Conor's up to this day
04:15Conor's running for president
04:19Hooray!
04:20Hello everyone
04:21It's been an exciting week
04:23Chris, thank you for having me on the show again
04:26People of America
04:27There's been a, what I would term
04:29A minor groundswell of support
04:31Over the past seven days for my campaign
04:33And so I'm happy to come here
04:35On to the Chris Gethard Show again
04:36For the premiere
04:37Of our first post-announcement
04:39Campaign television commercial
04:41Please watch
04:43Every now and then
04:45If we're lucky
04:47We are witnesses
04:49To a moment in history
04:51A moment that we will never forget
04:54The kind of thing
04:57That our grandchildren
04:58Will ask us about
04:59When we are old and gray
05:00So Conor, you're running for president
05:04I'm here to formally announce
05:07My intention to run
05:09For the office of the president
05:10Of the United States
05:12Wow
05:12Where were you
05:21When history was made?
05:26My name is Conor Ratliff
05:27And I'm 35 years old
05:29That's old enough to be president
05:31Paid for by Citizens for a 35-year-old president
05:42Conor Ratliff, ladies and gentlemen
05:49So Conor, it seems like this week's video
06:00Mostly recapped last week's video
06:02We felt like it was a good time
06:04For a look back
06:05Okay, one week in
06:07Then you're looking back
06:07Nostalgically at your campaign
06:08There's one thing I'd like to plug
06:10Okay, please
06:11We've spent the past seven days
06:12Developing an official campaign hand gesture
06:14I did it when it came out
06:16Some of you may have noticed
06:16On this, your right hand
06:18You hold up three fingers
06:19Up high
06:20And then all five fingers
06:22On this hand
06:22Got it
06:25Got it
06:26It's catching on
06:27Thank you, America
06:28All right
06:29Presidential candidate
06:30Let's go ahead and get another caller
06:33Caller, you are on the line
06:34Welcome to the Chris Gethard Show
06:36Caller, are you there?
06:39We can hear your phone
06:39Hey, are you talking to me?
06:41Yeah, yeah, what's up?
06:44Hey, so are we still talking about
06:45Horror stories and the transit
06:48And everything on that stuff?
06:49Yeah, let's do it
06:50Horror stories
06:51What's your story?
06:54Yeah, what's your story?
06:55Well, I was waiting on the F train
06:57A couple nights ago
06:58And I was blowing this guy
07:00And he shot his whole fucking load
07:01In my face
07:02That sucks when that happens
07:05That sucks when that happens
07:07Thank you for the call
07:08Wait, wait, wait
07:08What was he expecting?
07:09I missed my train, you little fuck
07:11And it was you, wasn't it?
07:12You little bastard
07:12You didn't even tip me, you fuck
07:14Dude, what's your problem?
07:17Dude, what's your damage?
07:18You got some anger
07:19You got a man
07:20It's jerkbait!
07:21Okay, he got the jerkbait song
07:23That story didn't have much of an arc
07:24I know it did
07:24So let's go ahead
07:26Let's do another one
07:27PJ, if you want to come up
07:29Hallie, what's our next fact?
07:31Okay, this person's fact is
07:34I was once arrested for skinny dipping
07:37And I'm saying to the cop
07:38Fuck off, pig
07:39Story for the topic today
07:43And I just wanted to say
07:45That I was flying back to Miami
07:47From here, from New York
07:48Like two months ago
07:49And right before landing
07:51The asshole sitting next to me
07:53Fired
07:53Just like it happened to you
07:56And I just have to wave the magazine
07:58To my face
08:00Because it was just
08:01Nasty and disgusting
08:03And this idiot was laughing with his family
08:06Right next to me
08:07It was so upsetting
08:08I just wanted to stand up
08:09And fart in his face too
08:11You know, you wanted right in front of his family
08:13Your urge was to stand up and fart in a man's face
08:16Yeah, I just wanted to do that
08:18But I just didn't have any cast on me
08:21It must have been really bad
08:22Because having met you
08:24You're one of the nicest people I've ever met
08:25What?
08:27You're one of the nicest people I've ever met
08:28So his fart must have been horrible
08:30Yeah, yeah
08:31Well, that's what happens
08:34It is
08:35It is
08:36Well, Walter, thanks for checking in
08:38We love you
08:38Thanks for the call
08:39We'll talk to you next week
08:40Love you guys
08:41I love you
08:42Let's take another one
08:44Caller, you are on the air
08:45Welcome to the Chris Gethard Show
08:46Hi
08:48Hi, who's this?
08:50Alyssa
08:51So Alyssa's our fan
09:00She's 15
09:01She's a huge comedy nerd
09:02She checks in
09:03She talks to comedians
09:04She admires on the air
09:06She lets us know
09:07What it's like to be 15 right now
09:09So Alyssa, what's on your mind?
09:12Um, not much
09:13I'm actually
09:14Well, I'd like to say
09:15I'm watching this on a phone
09:16And I didn't know that that was possible
09:18I didn't either
09:19That's awesome, man
09:202011
09:20Hell yeah
09:21Yeah, and I'm in Disney World
09:23You're wasting
09:25You are on a trip to Disney World right now
09:27Wasting time doing this?
09:29Well, it's 11 o'clock at night
09:31There's not much
09:32I'm not walking around
09:34I'm in my room
09:36But it's too late to walk around
09:39I feel like one day you will look back
09:41And regret spending any time on your vacation doing this
09:44I don't think it's too late
09:45To walk around Disney World at 11
09:47It's a pretty safe space
09:48The magic light purring, right?
09:51I like to sleep
09:53And there's all these kids
09:55Yeah
09:57No, I know that feeling
09:58So do you have
09:59There's all these
10:00Do you have any
10:00There's all these people my age
10:02And I don't like that?
10:04You run with an older crowd, huh, Alyssa?
10:07Well, I want to clear out Disney World
10:10Be by myself
10:11And walk around
10:12Is what I want
10:13Sounds like you want to kill yourself
10:15No, Shannon
10:16You have a long history of saying inappropriate things to Alyssa
10:19This is the second time I've said anything
10:22And it's the second time you've talked to her
10:24That makes it history
10:24Yeah, I guess so
10:26Alyssa
10:27Just being honest
10:28That's what it sounds like
10:29I think it's a cry for help
10:29Wait
10:30I can't
10:31I can't really hear
10:32But what?
10:32Alyssa, are your parents rich?
10:35Yeah, no, yeah
10:36I'm on the porch of my room
10:38Because I get nervous when they listen
10:40Oh, because if they were rich
10:42You could do what
10:43What's that
10:43What's that
10:44Tom Cruise did for his kids
10:46He shut down all of Disneyland
10:48So his kid could have it all privately
10:50But that costs like
10:51$100,000 or something like that
10:54But if your parents were that rich
10:56You could
10:56You know
10:57They could do what
10:58Like Tom Cruise did for his kids
10:59Random Gene
11:00It's the Chris Gethard show
11:01Not the Random Gene show
11:02Random Gene
11:04It is $100,000
11:06Yeah
11:07It is
11:08It is
11:11It is
11:12Random Gene
11:13I love you
11:13Really
11:14They're trying to sleep
11:16Or they're watching TV
11:17Or something
11:18It's true
11:38They're trying to sleep
11:39They're trying to sleep
11:40They're trying to sleep
11:40They're trying to sleep
11:41They're trying to sleep
11:42They're trying to sleep
11:43They're trying to sleep
11:44They're trying to sleep
11:45They're trying to sleep
11:46They're trying to sleep
11:47They're trying to sleep
11:48They're trying to sleep
11:49They're trying to sleep
11:50They're trying to sleep
11:51They're trying to sleep
11:52They're trying to sleep
11:53They're trying to sleep
11:54They're trying to sleep
11:55They're trying to sleep
11:56They're trying to sleep
11:57They're trying to sleep
11:58They're trying to sleep
11:59They're trying to sleep
12:00They're trying to sleep
12:01They're trying to sleep
12:02They're trying to sleep
12:03They're trying to sleep
12:04They're trying to sleep
12:05They're trying to sleep
14:36Hey, Chris Getherchow.
14:37Yo, I'm doing a stupid impression of...
14:40No, I'm just kidding, yo.
14:42What's up?
14:43I think this is the guy who likes to tell us, too.
14:47Hey, Chris.
14:49What's up?
14:51Smoke weed time.
14:54Okay, this guy calls us from time to time and just tells us to smoke weed.
14:58Hey, Matt Besser.
14:59Yeah, give me some weed.
15:01This one time we were hanging out, you don't remember, we were smoking weed, son.
15:07You said, yo, this kid is weird and you walked away from me.
15:20All right, well, that's all I really got to contribute.
15:25I'm going to go take a weed nap.
15:27Good night, everybody.
15:28Good night.
15:29Good night.
15:30Thank you very much.
15:31Smoke weed.
15:32Smoke weed.
15:33Do you have another caller?
15:34Caller, welcome to the show.
15:37Caller, are you there?
15:38Welcome to the Getherchow.
15:39Hey, what's happening, guys?
15:41It's Murph.
15:42Hey, Murph, how are you?
15:43Murph is on the show a lot.
15:44He's a good friend of ours.
15:45He looks like one of the reservoir dogs.
15:46That's what one of our callers pointed out.
15:48So, Murph, what's on your mind?
15:50Just calling to relay a fun transportation story that I have.
15:55I was riding the five train home to Crown Heights one night.
15:59It was late, probably about, I don't know, 3.30 in the morning or so.
16:03And I made fast friends on the train with a 50-plus-year-old Trinidadian woman
16:08who may or may not have been homeless.
16:09I'm not sure.
16:10Okay.
16:10But, you know, at first she just kept relaying stories of how her crippled son
16:15was a burden on her and she wanted to just kill him and get it over with.
16:19We finally found some common ground on some different Spike Lee movies.
16:24And then as I realized, I was a little inebriated.
16:26As I realized, I missed my stop by about four stops.
16:29So I was pretty deep.
16:31And I realized I had to get off the train, cross the platform, and get back on.
16:34So as I get off the train, she follows me off.
16:37And I'm immediately thinking, okay, probably homeless,
16:40probably just riding the train all night if she can just, you know, get right off.
16:43So then she crosses the platform and she starts rubbing her genital area on my leg
16:48and saying, like, come on, let's bump, let's bump.
16:51I know you got some money, let's bump.
16:53So I'm thinking bump, I'm thinking possibly there's some drugs involved.
16:56I didn't know, but I was open to whatever.
16:57So I started thinking about it, and I was like, I'm definitely not going to have sex with this woman.
17:02But I started looking at the mouth.
17:04She was missing some teeth.
17:05She didn't really look.
17:06The mouth did not look clean at all.
17:08So I decided, you know, it might be possible.
17:11If I looked at my wallet, I had $12.
17:13I figured, let's just get a weird tug job on the subway platform.
17:16So I gave her the $12 to kind of jerk me off, to kind of appease her.
17:19And also at the same time, I was in a very weird headspace at the time.
17:23So I gave her the $12.
17:26She started going down my pants.
17:27I couldn't get an erection at all.
17:29So I just called the whole thing off.
17:31She walked down the other end of the platform and followed me
17:33and just started laughing out loud.
17:35So my, I guess, male ego at that point was thinking she was laughing
17:39because I couldn't get an erection.
17:40I was like, I assure you, ma'am, my penis works fine.
17:43It's got nothing to do with that.
17:44It's just the circumstances.
17:45She kept laughing.
17:46The train finally pulled in.
17:48I got on.
17:49Rode home in shame.
17:50Wow.
17:50While she was tugging on your dick,
17:52did you talk about do the right thing in Crooklyn?
18:01All I can do is giggle.
18:03All I can do is giggle.
18:05It sounds like she has just as much a right to call with her subway story
18:10about the same incident from her perspective.
18:14Murph, thank you so much for the call.
18:16I'm glad things are going well.
18:17All right, my man.
18:18I'll talk to you soon.
18:19Thanks, man.
18:20Have a fun show.
18:20We will talk soon.
18:21In the meantime, I'm going to ask my friend PJ to come back up.
18:27The studio audience does not like this.
18:30Booing the fact that it might happen.
18:32But we're running out of time.
18:33We're running out of time.
18:35We're running out of time.
18:35All right.
18:36We'll be out.
18:37We'll be out.
18:39Or any more, return to Swap.
18:46I say, and to Twam for Twam, and high high must decide East Side, West Side.
18:54Can you or any more, return to Swap?
19:02I say, and to Twam for Twam, and high high must decide East Side, West Side.
19:13They are young, and to high high must decide East Side, West Side, West Side.
19:29Bulk, emphire! Bulk, emphire! Bulk, emphire! Bulk, emphire! Bulk, emphire! Bulk, emphire! Bulk, emphire!
19:39On fire, Baltimore, on fire!
20:09On fire, Baltimore, on fire!
20:39Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
21:03Ladies and gentlemen, give it up,
21:08Dolchnikoff Brigade, Pennsylvania on the 16th, Virginia on the 17th, 19th, back in New York
21:14at Fontana's, go see them, Twitter at DolchnikoffB, follow them.
21:18I want to thank everybody for being here tonight, Ben, everyone in our studio audience, John,
21:22Matt, Shannon, Gene, Bethany, Dave, the LLC, everybody watching at home, please spread
21:26the word, word of mouth is the only way anyone's ever going to find out about this show, so
21:30thank you guys very much for checking it out, have a great night, and we'll see you next
21:34week, please help spread the word.
21:38Live stream, we're about to cut off.
22:07Thank you guys so much for checking it out, we hope you enjoyed it, we'll see you next
22:11week.
22:13You
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