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00:0110, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
00:101, 2, 3, 4
00:13Well come take a ride
00:22Come take a ride
00:24With the weirdest guy I know
00:25Well it's Wednesday night
00:27It's Wednesday night
00:28And now you need to go
00:30The Chris Gethard Show
00:31The Chris Gethard Show
00:34Oh, Chris Gethard Show
00:36Chris Gethard Show
00:38Hey everybody, welcome to The Chris Gethard Show
00:42Our 7th episode here on the Manhattan Neighborhood Network
00:45We hope you enjoy the show tonight
00:47We got a really good one for you, I hope
00:50Joining me as always, my lovely assistant, Bethany Hall
00:53Down on the end there, we got the one, the only, Mr. Don Finelli
00:56Joining us for the first time ever, my buddy and yours, Mr. Joe Mandy
00:59Hello, Joe
01:00Hi
01:00Now, Joe, I don't know if you have been following the show
01:03But right back here, we have Random Gene
01:05Hi, Random
01:06Hi, Joe
01:07Those people who, uh
01:09Random Gene is a person who just called us on our second episode
01:15And I believe you were like, what is this and why are you doing it?
01:18And then we told you to come down and hang out
01:20And now you just come back every week, Random Gene
01:23You're Random, this is not a joke, I don't know you
01:25I don't want to know you either
01:27Fair, fair
01:28A fair and familiar response
01:30I want to thank the LLC, as always, for playing us in
01:33The greatest band in the world
01:35And then we have the mysterious
01:36The one, the only, the breakout star of the show thus far
01:40Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
01:42The Human Fish
01:43Look at that, a round of applause
01:47Human Fish
01:48Human Fish
01:50What's he thinking?
01:52Human Fish
01:53Human Fish
01:55Human Fish
01:57So mysterious
01:59Human Fish
02:00Now, we don't know much about the Human Fish, Joe
02:07But we've learned a lot about him over the seven episodes of this show
02:10What do we know about the Human Fish so far?
02:12He has genitalia, that's why he wears a bathing suit
02:15We don't know what it could be or what it possibly looks like
02:18He wears goggles to protect his eyes from the air
02:22Much like we would wear goggles to protect our eyes from water
02:25When he cries, he cries air, we discovered that
02:28We learned that if you mention the word cock, he does that
02:31Last week, I wasn't here
02:34I want to thank my guest host, my friend Shannon O'Neill for hosting
02:37She did a great job
02:38She was great
02:39Yes, she was great
02:40Although, she wasn't that
02:41I mean, I feel like you're saying in comparison to me, she was great
02:44And that's a little mean
02:45But what we did learn when I watched on Ustream last week
02:48We learned the Human Fish hates children
02:51Hates human children
02:52And also, if you play the note F sharp on a glockenspiel
02:56It summons something inside him
02:59It reminds him of something
03:00And he looks for it
03:02And we don't know what that is
03:05But what we do know is the Human Fish
03:08He's always trying to figure out this world of men
03:10There's always something on his mind
03:11Human Fish, what's on your mind right now?
03:13Joey Buttafuku versus Joey from Friends
03:19So Joey Buttafuku versus Joey from Friends
03:23Who wins that battle, Human Fish?
03:26Joey Buttafuku
03:27Of course
03:27Joey Buttafuku
03:28Human Fish, I'll say this
03:30We've got to figure out
03:31We're learning so much about you
03:32That your intro is now incredibly long
03:34We've got to fix that up
03:36We've got to fix that up
03:37I want to thank everybody over here
03:38The people who show up
03:40Dressed to the nines in our show
03:41Wonderful to have you tonight
03:43I want to get our call-in topic out there
03:45Ladies and gentlemen, please call up
03:46And let us know
03:47We want to hear what's the closest
03:49You've ever come to dying
03:51We want to know
03:52We want you to call up and tell us
03:54We want to hear those stories
03:56For me, it was a case of food poisoning
03:58That was so horrific
03:59That I was hallucinating
04:01An entire conversation that didn't happen
04:03I almost drowned once
04:04You almost drowned
04:05Now how did that go, Don Finnelli?
04:06It was very scary
04:08I was in a three-foot pool
04:09And I was through
04:11My legs are pretty strong and big
04:13And I put them through one of those
04:15Like tubes
04:16Right, but it had like leg holes
04:18And I was like
04:19Ha ha ha
04:19I flipped it over
04:20And I couldn't flip back over
04:22Because your legs are too strong
04:23My legs were too strong
04:24So you almost drowned in your own strong legs
04:27I had to like basically do like a push-up
04:29Off the bottom
04:30Like while flying my legs
04:32To kind of like come back over
04:33And I almost didn't make it
04:35Yeah, yeah, yeah
04:37Why don't you give us a call?
04:39Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
04:41Yeah, yeah, yeah
04:43Why don't you give us a call?
04:45Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
04:47Please do, give us a call
04:48As the LLC has instructed you
04:50I have a question
04:51Yeah
04:51Can the audience ask the human fish
04:54What he's thinking as well?
04:55Anyone can
04:56At any given point
04:57Callers, people on the panel
04:58Anyone in the audience
04:59If you ever want to know
05:00What's on the human fish's mind
05:01All you have to say is
05:02Hey human fish, what's on your mind?
05:04And he'll tell you what's on his mind
05:06Like right now
05:07Human fish, what's on your mind?
05:08Losers have to embarrass themselves and sing
05:10Except for Joe Mandy
05:11Who instead is going to perform a rap song
05:13He wrote in high school
05:14And has never told anyone
05:15In college
05:16Okay, so it's a little more sophisticated
05:18Okay, great
05:20So we'll head towards iPod karaoke
05:22It's a brand new fad
05:26On subway platforms
05:28Dim and smoky
05:30It comes up from Japan
05:32It's something we call iPod karaoke
05:36That's a very gentle, peaceful intro song
05:39Thank you, LLC
05:40We also want to introduce tonight
05:42Our friend Connor
05:43He's been on the show before
05:44You guys have seen him
05:45He's one of the guys behind the Lone Cornmeal Machine
05:47Which we'll see again later tonight
05:48Connor has an announcement
05:50Connor's here tonight
05:51Connor, why don't you come on out
05:52Major announcement from Connor
05:55How are you, Connor?
05:56Hello, everyone
05:57Hello
05:59I'm very happy to be here
06:02Tonight, I come on to the Chris Gethardt Show
06:18With a major announcement
06:20Please roll the video
06:22What does it take to become president?
06:27Leadership?
06:28Passion?
06:29Intelligence?
06:31Or maybe it's a lot simpler than that
06:33My name is Connor Ratliff
06:37And I'm 35 years old
06:39In order to be president in the United States
06:42You have to be at least 35 years old
06:45I am 35 years old
06:49Please vote for me
06:52To become the president of the United States of America
06:56Connor Ratliff for president
06:59He is 35 years old
07:01Paid for by Citizens for a 35-Year-Old President
07:04So, Connor, you're running for president
07:07I'm here to formally announce
07:10My intention to run
07:11For the office of the president of the United States
07:14Wow
07:15Woo!
07:16Woo!
07:17Woo!
07:17Woo!
07:17Woo!
07:18Thank you
07:18Woo!
07:20Connor's got something to say
07:22Connor's got something he wants to tell you
07:26Connor's got something to say
07:29Connor's running for president
07:32Hooray!
07:34High five
07:34So, Connor, all you've told us is that you're 35 years old
07:37It seems like you have nothing else you want to say about this country
07:40Your love for it
07:41The United States Constitution says very little about what it takes to be president
07:45It says you have to be born here
07:46You have to have lived here for 14 years as a resident
07:48And the one number they threw out there is 35
07:51You have to be at least 35 years old
07:53And in the entire history of our country
07:55You know how young the youngest president has been?
07:5842
07:58That's a disgrace
08:00That's a disgrace
08:02Our founding fathers put one number in the Constitution
08:0535
08:05That's how old I am
08:07Doesn't anybody care about what the founding fathers wanted?
08:11Woo!
08:12All right, Connor
08:13Congratulations for all your life
08:14We will support you in your bid for president
08:17I hope you'll return between now and the election
08:19And fill us in on how it's going
08:20In the meantime, Random Gene
08:21You took your hand off of flashing glasses, man
08:25I know, but now you have to do iPod karaoke
08:27Random Gene, get up there
08:28You knew the rules
08:29You broke the rules
08:30No cheating
08:32We have our first iPod karaoke
08:34How long do you have to do it for?
08:36No, I'll call it
08:37So Noah
08:42You're about 30, 40 seconds
08:45You ready?
08:47Yes
08:47So our producer Noah has picked an embarrassing song off Gene's iPod
08:51She doesn't know what it is
08:52She will be singing along for the next 30 to 40 seconds
08:54All right
08:55It's going to start right away, okay?
08:57Okay
08:58Let's do it
08:58Own it, Gene
09:01Own it, Random Gene
09:02Come on, Gene
09:04Come on, Gene
09:04Yeah, Gene
09:04Let's go, Random Gene
09:06It's a beautiful day
09:07It's a beautiful day
09:11Forming, forming, forming, forming, it's a beautiful day
09:20Yeah, it's a beautiful day
09:25I am wildly uncomfortable
09:29One thing to say
09:32Make a beautiful day
09:35That's it, Gene, you're off the hook
09:36Great job
09:37Yes
09:37So Connor and Gene, why don't you guys grab your seats
09:43Myself, Joe, Don, Bethany, and the Human Fish
09:46All still in the running
09:47To win that dollar
09:48And our producer Noah will be adding obstacles along the way
09:52In the meantime, caller, what's up?
09:54How you doing?
09:54We have you on the line
09:55Welcome to the Chris Gethardt Show
09:56Hello
09:58Who's this?
09:59Alyssa
10:00Hey, Alyssa
10:01Checking in with Alyssa
10:04Checking in with Alyssa
10:06Alyssa, what's up?
10:08So for those of you guys who don't know
10:09Alyssa is a part of the show
10:11She's 15 years old
10:12Huge comedy nerd
10:13And she calls in
10:14Alyssa, how's it going?
10:16It's going well
10:16What's it like being 15 right now?
10:20Excuse me?
10:21What is it like?
10:22The life of a 15-year-old right now
10:24How's it going?
10:25Well, it's going
10:28I don't know
10:31I think 15
10:33She pretty much said it all
10:37That's fair
10:38So Alyssa
10:38Our topic tonight is
10:40What's the closest you've ever come to dying?
10:42I don't know at 15
10:43If you've had many near misses
10:45But that is our topic
10:46Unfortunately, not really
10:51No, fortunately
10:52Fortunately, really
10:54That's great
10:54That's great
10:55Joe, Mandy
10:57What were you like at the age of 15?
10:59Really annoying
11:00Very annoying
11:01In what way?
11:02Well, I was like four feet tall
11:03So I was constantly overcompensating for that
11:06Okay, okay
11:08Alyssa, how would you describe yourself at the age of 15?
11:11Very annoying
11:12Very annoying
11:13You sound like you think you're more annoying than Joe Mandy
11:15I probably am
11:18Okay, what's annoying about you?
11:22My voice is the worst
11:23No, no, it's not
11:25It's definitely not
11:27You have a great
11:28You have a perfectly fine voice
11:29Alyssa, you're coming through a studio sound system
11:33And you sound fine
11:34But the self-loathing
11:35Thank you
11:36But that's not true
11:37Wow
11:39No, why
11:39You got the self-loathing thing going on, huh?
11:42It's really annoying
11:42I don't like
11:46I get nervous hearing myself
11:48Well, I think you shouldn't be worried about it
11:50No, but I get nervous hearing my own voice
11:53That's true
11:53I also think I sound like an asshole
11:55I do
11:57A bunch of
11:57We really hate each other
11:58Yeah, I hate myself
11:59I do
12:00I actually
12:01Who am I to criticize you?
12:02Because I notoriously hate myself
12:04Yeah, yeah
12:04This is turning into group therapy
12:06It is
12:07But who here hates themselves?
12:11Oh, that's true
12:11I do
12:12Yeah, I do
12:13Okay
12:13No, I like to criticize
12:14The human fish
12:14We just learned
12:15The human fish hates himself
12:17The human fish hates himself
12:18Alright, so Alyssa
12:20Anything else you want to talk about tonight?
12:22Um, math
12:24What's on the human fish's mind?
12:25What is on the human fish's mind?
12:31Sand versus glass
12:33Sand versus glass
12:35Who wins?
12:37Sand
12:37Sand beats glass
12:38That's what's on the human fish's mind, Alyssa
12:40Alright, thank you
12:42Thank you
12:42Have a great night, Alyssa
12:43Check it in with Alyssa
12:46Check it in with Alyssa
12:48Check it in with Alyssa
12:49Alyssa
12:50Okay
12:50Noah is tormenting Don Fideli
12:53I never thought I would be one
13:10Spilling blood down on the floor
13:16Calculating every move I made
13:22Never thought that I would start a war
13:27I don't want to have the liability
13:33Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
14:03Little red crystals in my head
14:26White face, now his eyes expand
14:29Feeling broken as he turns the sand
14:33Little red crystals in my head
14:40White face, now his eyes expand
14:44Feeling broken as he turns the sand
14:47Whoa, whoa
14:50Ladies and gentlemen, Modern Rivals!
14:57Great job
15:00Wonderfully done. Always nice to see the dancers so bizarre that one of the guitarists in the band visibly confused and laughing while the song is happening. We apologize if that was distracting, but you can now say that you had a man dressed as a banana dance to your song, which I think is a victory for anyone. For anyone. We have a caller on the line. Caller, welcome to the Chris Getherchow. How can we help you tonight?
15:23Hello?
15:25Hello?
15:26Yeah, what's up?
15:27Hi, this is Mike. Hi.
15:28Mike, how's it going? What can we help you with tonight?
15:30I just want to talk about the time that I came closest to death.
15:35Oh, great. What's the closest you ever came to death?
15:38Um, I almost ran myself over with a car.
15:41Really?
15:42How does that happen? How do you almost run yourself over with a car?
15:46Um, it was winter and there was frost on my windshield and I got in the car, put it in reverse and then thought, oh, I should scrape off my windshield. So I got out of the car while it was still in reverse and almost got pinned under the wheel. Luckily, the person in the passenger seat reached over and pulled the handbrake, effectively saving my life.
16:08Wow.
16:10Wow.
16:11Oh, shit.
16:12That's just for real scary, Mike. I don't know how.
16:16Yeah.
16:17So immediately afterwards, were you, I mean, were you like, you're freaked out? You almost ran yourself over with a car?
16:22Yeah. And then I had to drive to school, so it was just not a good day all around.
16:28Wow. Mike, you sound a little, you sound kind of depressed now. You sound like-
16:34Oh, no, no, no. I'm fine now.
16:36Okay. Okay. Okay.
16:37You wouldn't run yourself over with a car now, intentionally, right?
16:41No, it wasn't on purpose the first time. Why wouldn't you do it again now?
16:44I'm just wondering.
16:45Okay. Uh, well, Mike, thank you for letting us know about your near-death experience.
16:49Always interesting to hear about it and I'm glad that you made it through it alive.
16:53Yeah, me too.
16:55All right, man. Thank you.
16:57Sometimes shit gets real here.
16:59Yeah. That was like, uh, Mike just filled us in.
17:02Yeah.
17:03What I like about Mike-
17:04He answered the question.
17:05It was just the bare bullet points of a story that we asked for Noah.
17:08He wasn't interested in really selling the sizzle on that story at all.
17:11No. No.
17:12Wow, man. It was deep.
17:13Yeah. Okay. Do we have another caller? Caller, you're on the line. What's up?
17:16Hey, how you doing, man?
17:17I'm good. Who's this? How can we help you?
17:19How's it going? I'm, uh, I'm Marlon Brando.
17:22I don't think you're Marlon Brando. I just wanted to talk about-
17:24I don't think you're Marlon Brando. I think you're the guy who occasionally pretends to be other people.
17:29I don't-
17:30Look, look, you've had some people call in the same cause, and then you have Marlon Brando call in.
17:36Look, I just want to tell you, I choked on a dinner roll in West Hollywood once. It was a terrible experience.
17:42Yeah.
17:43Well, guy who pretends you're Marlon Brando, I'm sorry you choked on a dinner roll.
17:47What am I supposed to say, man? We're trying to get real here. We're trying to have real, honest conversations with you guys.
17:52Well, like what? Here's the thing. You know, I choked on a dinner roll when I was like 46.
17:59You gotta plan more than one joke, Marlon Brando. You only plan a dinner roll joke.
18:05Is Christopher Walken there?
18:07Yeah. Are you hanging out with Christopher Walken or any other celebrities?
18:10Say that again, Chris?
18:12Are you hanging out with any other celebrities right now?
18:14Oh, yeah. Lauren Bacall's here. We're having a good old time.
18:17Put her on the phone.
18:18It's a great thing, you know what I'm saying?
18:20You just sound stuffed up.
18:21Joe Manning. My friend Joe Manning wants to talk to Lauren Bacall.
18:24Oh, yeah. We can definitely talk about that. She's going to open like, you know, threesomes, fourthomes.
18:29No, no. I want to put her on the phone.
18:32Does talking mean sex?
18:34All right. Marlon Brando, thank you for the call. Welcome back from the grave. Have a great night.
18:39Have a great night. Indeed.
18:41I think he's friends with Jack Klugman.
18:43He probably is friends with Jack Klugman, I think.
18:45Ladies and gentlemen, every week we have a pair of animators who put together stories based on your suggestion.
18:52Connor, who recently on the show, just tonight, announced his run for President of the United States of America, is one of those animators.
18:59Connor, what was the suggestion via Twitter tonight that led to tonight's animation?
19:03The suggestion was it had to do with what would be the worst effects of a heat wave.
19:08So someone on Twitter asked Long Corn Meal, at Long Corn Meal, what are the worst effects of a heat wave?
19:13So ladies and gentlemen, tonight we bring you the Long Corn Meal machine, the worst effects of a heat wave.
19:18Who knows what will happen?
19:27Who knows what will happen?
19:30I haven't a clue
19:32No one knows what will happen next
19:35It all depends on you
19:38Can't see round the corner
19:40When I'm going round the bend
19:44No one knows what will happen
19:46Nor if this madness will ever end
19:54New York City
19:56The Big Apple
19:58Population, more than 8 million people
20:00The greatest city on earth
20:02The center for media, culture, food, fashion, art, research, finance, and trade
20:07New York City is the home of both the New York Yankees and the Metropolitan Transit Authority
20:12They call it the city that never sleeps
20:14That is never more true than in the middle of a blistering New York City heat wave
20:18That's right, a heat wave
20:20Oppressive temperatures and soul-crushing humidity render the city almost unlivable
20:24I'm a scientist, so you better believe I know what I'm talking about here
20:28This global climate change continues apace
20:30These unbearable summertime weather conditions are becoming both more intense and more frequent
20:34But that's not the worst of it
20:36As our planet becomes warmer, our cities will become a habitat for enormous monsters
20:41That's right, monsters!
20:44If and when this happens, most scientists will be surprised
20:47Because most scientists don't believe in monsters
20:49I, however, have always maintained that monsters could exist, given the right conditions
20:57Monsters thrive in warm weather
20:59Where at first they can be dismissed as hallucinations brought on by heat stroke or dehydration
21:04Figments of our collective imagination
21:07But by the time society comes to accept these gigantic beasts as real
21:13It may be too late
21:17We will undoubtedly attempt to marshal our defensive resources
21:21With some success, perhaps
21:23But in a game this deadly
21:25There are no winners
21:27Only losers
21:31The war against the monsters will take a colossal toll on civilization
21:41And even in the unlikely event that we emerge victorious and succeed in wiping these magnificent creatures off the face of the earth
21:48The final outcome could well be that we destroy ourselves in the process
21:53The world will be as it once was
21:56A paradise
21:58Unspoiled by man
22:03Of course this is only a theory
22:05We cannot predict the future
22:06And it's entirely possible that the end of the world will occur in some other way
22:10For example, there could be
22:11Oh, what can we do?
22:14You can be Napoleon and I'll be a Waterloo
22:17We'll be back to fight against the May
22:19Till then we'll just be on our way
22:21Particularly strange one
22:23From the Lone Corn Meal machine tonight
22:25Remember if you want to send the Lone Corn Meal machine a suggestion
22:28Twitter
22:29Go to Twitter
22:30At Lone Corn Meal
22:31That's the place to do it
22:32We should update you on our
22:34Hands on a Hard Body contest
22:35Our producer Noah
22:36During that video came over and rubbed a strange bomb all over
22:39I think the human fish
22:41Don Finale
22:42Don's now being tickled with a duster
22:43Also Joe Mandy
22:44Random Gene
22:45Random Gene is now harassing the human fish
22:47I am being left alone
22:48Which I'm very happy about
22:51But this contest is being kicked into overdrive
22:54We will soon see who has to face iPod karaoke
22:56In the meantime
22:57Caller, we have a caller on the line
22:58Caller, welcome to the Chris Gether Show
23:00How can we help you?
23:01Hey Chris, welcome back
23:02Hey, is this Walter?
23:04Yeah
23:05Walter, how are you?
23:06What's new?
23:07What's new?
23:08What's new?
23:09What's new?
23:10What's new?
23:11What's new?
23:12What's new?
23:13What's new?
23:14Walter
23:15Hey guys
23:16Walter, how are you?
23:17What's new?
23:18Walter is our only fan
23:19He's the only fan of this show
23:20He calls in every week
23:21How have you been, Walter?
23:22Good, good
23:23Well, a little bit sick
23:25I'm here right now
23:26What was that, Walter?
23:27I'm sorry
23:28I've been a little bit sick
23:29That's why I can't be there now
23:30Oh, I'm sorry that you can't be there
23:32Here in person tonight
23:33But I'm glad you're calling in
23:34And I'm sorry you're sick
23:35Yeah, yeah
23:36No, I'm okay
23:37Getting better
23:38And just watching you guys
23:40I just wanted to call in
23:41Welcome you back
23:42And I hope the game
23:46The human fish wins
23:48Because I want to know what he does
23:49With, you know, with money
23:50Okay
23:51That's a fantastic
23:52Fantastic question
23:53Does the human fish understand currency
23:56And how it works?
23:57A fantastic question, Walter
23:58That's why you are our fan
24:00Because you invest yourself in this show
24:01And you're the only person on earth
24:03Who we know of
24:04Yeah
24:05Who actually cares about the mythology
24:06We're building here
24:07So thank you very much
24:08Anything else you want to talk about tonight?
24:10What did you say?
24:11Anything else you want to talk about tonight?
24:13No, I just wanted to say hi
24:15And I hope I'll be there next week
24:17Sounds great
24:18We can't wait to have you
24:19Thanks for calling in, Walter
24:20Alright guys, be nice
24:21Okay
24:22Bye Walter
24:23Now in the meantime
24:24People may have noticed
24:25I reached over and physically removed Don Finnelli's hand
24:27Don Finnelli
24:28Don Finnelli
24:29Don Finnelli
24:30Don Finnelli
24:32Don Finnelli
24:33Don Finnelli
24:34Don Finnelli
24:36Don Finnelli
24:37So Don has no idea what song Noah has picked for him
24:40Don, this isn't even your iPod, right?
24:41What?
24:42This is not even your iPod
24:43No
24:44So you will just sing along with whatever comes up
24:45Yeah
24:46Are you ready?
24:47Whatever you are, man
24:48Okay
24:49Party and I'll cry if I want to
24:54Cry if I want to
24:56Cry if I want to
24:58You would cry too if it happened to you
25:04I don't know the, the, the, the, the
25:06No, Sarah, chat
25:08No one knows where my Johnny is
25:11Time
25:14I am too
25:16You would cry too if it happened to you
25:35Don Finnelli
25:36Ladies and gentlemen
25:37Great job
25:38Don, you really sold it
25:40Well done
25:41Well done
25:42Now I want to ask
25:43Flashing glasses, man
25:44How do you feel about having all of our warm sweaty hands on your body for this one?
25:48I'm, I'm, I'm comfortable, I'm good
25:49Do you regret volunteering for this position?
25:51Not at all
25:52Okay
25:53Wonderful
25:54My hand smells fine too
25:55What's the foam that we have on our
25:56Yeah Noah, what did you rub all over people?
25:57Cause I'm starting to feel it more
25:59Yeah
26:00It's Tiger Balm
26:01It's Tiger Balm
26:02So that will just sink further into people's skin and irritate them more and more
26:04It's supposed to be soothing but it, you, you'll feel it
26:07Okay
26:08It's actually the closest I've come to dying was putting that on my balls
26:11Is that true?
26:12Yeah
26:13Okay
26:14Closest you came to dying was, so you're reliving a horrible memory
26:16No, this is nothing
26:17This is nothing
26:18Oh, okay
26:19So you're, you're over your fear of Tiger Balm
26:20Is this true?
26:21Yeah, that happened
26:22You put Tiger Balm on your balls when you were 12?
26:23Yeah, well, the, don't, yeah
26:27Well, it's been gay, but it's the same thing
26:29Yeah
26:30What happened to your balls?
26:31They, they ached
26:33You don't, you don't care to talk about this at all
26:42It was really painful
26:43It was like at the end, it was awful
26:45Like four hours
26:46Yeah
26:47This is not, we've been friends many years now
26:49This is not even the most painful ball related story you've told me
26:53No, no
26:54Oh, that's a fucking condom, bro
26:56Now I'm a little uncomfortable
26:59Yeah, I would imagine, man
27:01Not only is this on my hand, but flashing glasses, man
27:03Our audience volunteer has a condom three inches from his mouth
27:07Awful
27:08Aw, I'm so, so sorry, flashing glasses, man
27:11At least it's not used
27:12We don't know that
27:13I'm 25
27:14You're 25, okay, so then it's cool if you get gang-packed
27:17Yeah
27:18Is any of this true? I don't think this is true
27:20I want to come on this show and let all those guys on the show fuck me
27:24People on this show?
27:26Like who? Name names
27:28Name names
27:29What?
27:30Name names, who are you talking about?
27:31Who on this show almost gang-banged you to death?
27:34I want to gang-bang the flasher
27:37And the banana
27:38The guy just as a banana?
27:40You're saying that the guy just as a banana
27:43Was involved in an incident
27:45No, she wasn't coming gang-bang
27:46Wait, you want that to happen or it did happen?
27:50I'm sorry?
27:51Do you want that to happen or it's something that already happened?
27:55No, I want that Asian girl down the state to fuck me with a dodo
28:01Oh, you're a fucking asshole
28:03You're just a fucking asshole
28:05Good night
28:06I didn't understand that person at all
28:15And then when I did I did not like what they had to say
28:18So it's down to Bethany, Joe Mandy, and the human fish as far as who's going to win that dollar
28:22We don't have much time left in the show either, so we'll see how this one goes
28:25In the meantime, caller, do we have a caller on the line?
28:27Welcome to the Chris Gethard Show
28:29Hey, Chris, it's the real Marlon Brando
28:32Marlon Brando
28:35We had an imposter Marlon Brando called
28:38So, oh!
28:39The human fish is out
28:40Our producer Noah put his shoe on the human fish's face
28:43We have learned tonight that the human fish does not like the smell of human feet
28:47We have learned that
28:48So real Marlon Brando, how can we help you tonight?
28:50Well, you know, I want to talk about what I'm telling you, you know
28:54I had a bad car accident on Sunset Boulevard at 62
28:59And I really haven't recovered for it
29:01But what I really want to talk about tonight is the New York Knickerbockers
29:04How do you think the team's going to be this year?
29:06Bill Bradley, Walt Frazier
29:08What are your thoughts?
29:10Well, I don't know if you're aware of this
29:11But Walt Frazier and Bill Bradley have not been on the New York Knicks since the early 1970s
29:16Well, you know, they've taken some time off
29:18Maybe they've been riding a little time
29:20But, you know, it's on Sunday, you know, saying that they're not really a Knickerbocker
29:23I do, I love the Knicks
29:24If the Knicks brought back former U.S. Senator Bill Bradley, I would be very happy
29:29If Carmelo Anthony, Amari Stoudemire, Tony Douglas and all the rest
29:34Counted former United States Senator Bill Bradley as one of their teammates
29:39I would be happy, how would you feel about it?
29:41Well, I mean, you know, the Stoudemire kid, I don't know
29:44Maybe he's coming off the bench, maybe he's not
29:46I really think that, like, you know, Don May, Willis Reed
29:50I mean, you really can't go wrong with those kind of players, you know what I'm saying?
29:53Well, thank you for your thoughts on the 30 year old version of the New York Knicks
29:58Marlon Brando, have a great night
30:00Oh, you too, thanks for calling, all right
30:02Well, you called, you called
30:04Well, you called
30:05I didn't call you, you called me
30:06That's what we're doing, all right?
30:07Thank you, and I did not call you, sir
30:09In the meantime, the human fish has lost at the Hands on a Hard Body competition
30:14It is down to Bethany
30:16Hey, I'm still on the line
30:17Keep on
30:18Hang up
30:19Gotta hang up on Marlon Brando quick, man
30:21Although, good job milking it, Marlon Brando
30:25He's coming back
30:26So the human fish will now sing from his iPod
30:28We will all learn
30:30What type of music the human fish listens to
30:33So we know he has an iPod
30:34R, R, R, R, R, R, R, R, R, R, R, R
30:40It's the sound of a seal
30:41Shhh
30:42Shhh
30:43Shhh
30:44Shhh
30:49What are we doing with our lives?
30:52Megan, he's got a man in shark face
30:58Although, I don't know a flashing glasses man
31:00He immediately started grinning when the idea was proposed
31:04Well, thank you for your call
31:05Do we have another caller on the line?
31:07Welcome to the Chris Getherchow
31:08How can we help you tonight?
31:09Hello
31:10Yeah, you're on the air, what's up?
31:12My name is Martin
31:13I want to talk about my near-death experience
31:15Okay, so Martin, what's the closest you ever came to death?
31:18My name is Martin Luther King
31:21Martin Luther King, have a great night
31:23Have a great night
31:24Welcome
31:25Welcome
31:26Although, I will say
31:27Kudos to you, sir
31:28For managing to slip it in under our radar
31:31As our red flags are raised higher and higher
31:33Towards those sorts of calls tonight
31:35We just said Martin to start
31:37And that was a really very smart move
31:39Ladies and gentlemen, we want to welcome to the stage
31:41Once again, joining us, our musical guests
31:43Very excited to have them
31:44Let's give it up for the Modern Rivals
31:45Modern Rivals, ladies and gentlemen
31:47Thank you
31:48To my friends
32:02Who were jealous of what they penned
32:07You were pushing us all off the air
32:14No, you can't pretend
32:18You may throw
32:21You can bleed into the snow
32:24You can spit from the second floor
32:30That summer born
32:36Oh, where are your manners
32:41Oh, where are your manners
32:45You've been burning banners
32:48A long way to the ground
32:51And you're still in a mess
32:55You're still in a mess
32:58Well, how are you going to get to impress
33:02If you're burning with the fire in your chest
33:07Well, he's the one that's stuck
33:12You're gonna blame it all on love
33:17Screaming that he doesn't deserve
33:22Instead of learning from what you deserve
33:27Celebrate your fear
33:49Use your ears to hear
33:52Find out why things are this way this year
33:56You've got little to prove
33:59So what's your move
34:01Right or no
34:09So if you need this
34:14If you insist
34:17This has never been heard outside of the shower
34:19Never been heard!
34:20Let's hit the beat!
34:21Let's end strong!
34:22Thank you for checking out the show
34:23This song's called Wooden Pussy
34:25Which is a double entendre
34:26Like a pussy made out of wood
34:28But also like a hard dick and pussy
34:30Okay, Wooden Pussy
34:32I don't lie
34:33If a motherfucker
34:34Stands at me
34:35I'm motherfuckin'
34:36I'm gonna die
34:37I can feel
34:38I feel
34:39I don't need it
34:40All I need is words
34:41For you to get to feel
34:42Like I don't need it
34:43Oh man, I'm broken toes, yo
34:44The city's broken
34:45Broken bones
34:46And you're broken, yo
34:47Back here to Tokyo
34:48Yo, I ain't jokin' bro
34:49It's like a rodeo
34:51The way I'm hard playing
34:52Bitches
34:53Mutilating snitches
34:54Spending making riches
34:55Humulating snitches
34:56They don't need
34:57I don't bleed
34:58I just
34:59Let my balls swell
35:00Till it's time to breathe
35:01For me
35:02For me
35:03Alarming me
35:04Like a viper brings
35:05Or an ADT
35:06You like HIV
35:07And I'm magic
35:08On the court tragic
35:09Spinning toes a hoop
35:10Like a b-ball rabbit
35:12Yeah, I just said rabbit
35:14But give me Wooden Pussy
35:15And my dick'll sand it
35:16Yeah, the song's about
35:18Wooden Pussy
35:20Wooden Pussy
35:21Oh, better listen up
35:23Yo, you give me Wooden Pussy
35:24And I wax it up
35:25I said, oh, better listen up
35:28Yo, you pancake pussy
35:29And I stacks it up
35:30I said, oh, better listen up
35:33Yo, give me resume
35:34Pussy, fax it up
35:35I said, oh, better listen up
35:38Give me resume, pussy
35:39And I wax it up
35:40Thank you everyone for watching
35:41The Chris Getter Show
35:42Please tell your friends
35:43What we've got going on
35:44Thank you Joe for having us
35:45Thank you all you guys
35:46For showing up
35:47Please tell your friends
35:48About the show
35:49Word of the Mountain is our
35:50Guys of Random Jeans
35:51The German Fitz
35:52Daffinelli
35:53The LLC
35:54Conner for President
35:55Vote Conner
35:562012
35:57Thank you to Jake
35:58Andrew
35:59Emma
36:00Kelly
36:01J.D.
36:02Keith
36:03Javette
36:04Rich
36:05Thank you to the Modern Rivals
36:06Have a good night
36:07You're done
36:08Wooden Pussy
36:09Wooden Pussy
36:16Goodnight everyone on our live stream
36:17Thank you guys
36:18Check it out
36:19We hope you enjoyed the show
36:20We hope you enjoyed the show
36:21Let people know
36:22Facebook
36:23If you like the show
36:24Let people know
36:25Next week we've got the
36:26Dope in the car brigade
36:28It's gonna be fucking bonkers
36:30Next week we'll be bonkers
36:31Check it out
36:32Thank you, good night
36:33Woo!
36:37I can't believe you knew it that well still
36:39I know all of them
36:40You wait
36:41Have a great day
36:42I can barely watch
36:43We hope you objet
36:44Did you get it?
36:45You might have to know
36:46We'll be out of the room
36:47Some people
36:49There will be tasher
36:50Wait a long way
36:51Do you have to remind me
36:52Now?
36:53Must be time
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