- 5 months ago
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😹
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00:00:00I love it.
00:00:11Make some noise right now for Nate Jackson.
00:00:14What up, what up, what up, what up, what up, what up, what up, what up, y'all sit down,
00:00:32sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down, what up, y'all, what up?
00:00:40Man, I'm feeling the love, man, y'all got the energy crazy in here right now, I love that.
00:00:44Crazy.
00:00:46Crazy.
00:00:48I want to talk about something real quick before I start, I just want to say this.
00:00:51When you guys give compliments and you say, like, hey, Nate, you're doing your thing, like,
00:00:54let's just keep it at that, okay?
00:00:56Because what I don't like is when people come up to me and say, you know, hey, your career
00:01:02is going great, I love your stuff, big dog.
00:01:05It's the big dog for me.
00:01:09Like, who the fuck, who are you talking to?
00:01:12I'm medium, bitch.
00:01:13I'm a cocker spaniel now.
00:01:15I've been doing 10,000 steps a day.
00:01:18Big dog is hella disrespectful.
00:01:20I'm sick of skinny people coming up to fat people telling us what size they think we are.
00:01:25We don't do that to you.
00:01:26What's up, big dog?
00:01:27What's up, rib cage?
00:01:28The fuck?
00:01:29That's hella disrespectful.
00:01:31What's up, big dog?
00:01:32What's up, 23 cents a day?
00:01:34Disrespectful.
00:01:35If you're skinny, say yay, yay.
00:01:37If you're big, say yay, yay.
00:01:38See what I'm saying?
00:01:39You keep talking shit?
00:01:40We're going to eat your bitch ass.
00:01:41I'm sick of it.
00:01:42Skinny people tell fat people what they're doing wrong all the time.
00:01:43You know what I ask you?
00:01:44First of all, I'm fat because I like food.
00:01:45It is what it is.
00:01:47I earned this body.
00:01:48This is from me saying yes.
00:01:49I said yes.
00:01:50You got room for dessert?
00:01:51Yes.
00:01:52I do have room for dessert.
00:01:53Will you like pie or cake?
00:01:54Yes.
00:01:55This is America.
00:01:56Everybody fat here too.
00:01:57That's all for this guy.
00:01:58Who's to eat your fucking shit?
00:01:59I'm sick of it.
00:02:00What's up?
00:02:01I'm sick of it.
00:02:02Skinny people tell fat people what they're doing wrong all the time.
00:02:03No one asks you.
00:02:04First of all, I'm fat because I like food.
00:02:05It is what it is.
00:02:06I earned this body.
00:02:07This is from me saying yes.
00:02:08I said yes.
00:02:09You got room for dessert?
00:02:10Yes.
00:02:11I do have room for dessert.
00:02:12Would you like pie or cake?
00:02:13Yes.
00:02:16Everybody fat here, might as well embrace it, it's nine calories per deep breath in America.
00:02:24Fat people, is it just me or the day you say you're going to get your life together, that's when they drop the new snacks.
00:02:30I'm like, I'm about to cut down on all the bullshit, I'm not eating nothing bad.
00:02:34And KFC was like, check out the new chicken pizza.
00:02:39I was like, nigga, they got chicken pizza?
00:02:42And then they put it on the screen and they had it rotating and all the light was glistening off of it.
00:02:48I had just ate.
00:02:50I was full.
00:02:52But I was like, I gotta go get one of those immediately, absolutely.
00:02:56I'm with my homeboy, he saw it too.
00:02:58He was like, nigga.
00:03:00And he's white, I was like, wait a minute.
00:03:05What the fuck, Trevor?
00:03:08I'm sorry I got overwhelmed.
00:03:09Now overwhelm your ass, get your car keys, we going to get it.
00:03:13Shotgun, and you buying my shit and you learn about civil rights all the way to KFC.
00:03:18What the fuck wrong with you?
00:03:21I'm fat right now because of crumble cookies, I ain't even gonna hold you.
00:03:25And I know it's people that have had crumble cookies and you're like, I just don't get it.
00:03:29Go back.
00:03:31They change them out every Monday morning at 7.28 a.m.
00:03:34Don't ask me how I know the schedule, just know I'm plugged in.
00:03:39Crumbled cookies don't even sit in the box like regular cookies.
00:03:43Regular cookies just be in the box.
00:03:45Crumbled cookies be in the box like, what's up, bitch?
00:03:47What's up?
00:03:49You can take a bite out of me.
00:03:50What's up, baby boy?
00:03:51They down there selling cultural cookies to make you come get a cookie just to support your people.
00:03:58I'm not bullshit.
00:04:00Listen, Cinco de Mayo.
00:04:02They dropped a La Leche Flan churro cookie.
00:04:05This is the most racist Mexican cookie I ever heard of.
00:04:10Mexicans heard that, like, how do you do all three?
00:04:12They figured it out.
00:04:15I called my Mexican homeboy up.
00:04:16I'm like, bro, they are selling recipes from your culture to get you to come down there and eat.
00:04:22He was like, I'm already down here, fool.
00:04:25What the fuck you mean, you're already down?
00:04:27He's like, yeah, I'm down here, bro.
00:04:29I've been here since the Cuatro de Mayo, man.
00:04:30We camped out.
00:04:31Like, you've been there since yesterday?
00:04:36You're gonna eat those racist cookies?
00:04:39He's like, they're delicious, fool.
00:04:41Wait till February.
00:04:42He hung up.
00:04:43I'm like, February?
00:04:47Why does February matter?
00:04:49February came around?
00:04:51Cornbread cookies.
00:04:54I'm not bullshit.
00:04:55Cornbread cookies.
00:04:57When I tell you I've never driven across town that fast in my life,
00:05:01it was drifting.
00:05:04And it better be good, too, or I'm protesting, bitch.
00:05:09Fucking delicious.
00:05:11I'm talking about it was so good.
00:05:12If your grandma had one right now, I'd beat the shit out your grandma
00:05:16for that last cookie.
00:05:19Skinny people think fat people fat, because we don't got gym memberships.
00:05:22We do.
00:05:24We do.
00:05:25I got two right now.
00:05:26I got all the equipment that's ever been on an infomercial.
00:05:28I got ab rollers.
00:05:30I got a shake weight.
00:05:33I was using it, too.
00:05:34I'm like, yeah, this, this, this, this, this.
00:05:38Fucked around and walked by a mirror like, hell no.
00:05:42What the fuck?
00:05:44What the fuck?
00:05:46I threw that shit under the bed.
00:05:48Absolutely not.
00:05:49I did P90X.
00:05:50I was sweating like a mother fucker.
00:05:56And he was like, that's the warm up.
00:05:58I was like, excuse me?
00:06:03I'm done.
00:06:06I just did the pee.
00:06:07I had to come back and get the 90 tomorrow.
00:06:09Yeah, damn.
00:06:10I might not get to the X.
00:06:11I swear to God.
00:06:13Two gym memberships.
00:06:15One of them, 24 hour fitness.
00:06:16I got that in case I ever want to work out in the middle of the night.
00:06:19I've had that four years.
00:06:20I don't know what the paint looks like inside the goddamn building.
00:06:24I ain't never had a need to work out at 3.30 in the morning.
00:06:28I've seen people at the gym at 3.30 in the morning.
00:06:31After I leave the club and I hop, I've stopped by.
00:06:34I've seen the people in there dedicated working out.
00:06:36I'm like, look at these crackhead mother fuckers in here.
00:06:40I roll my window down.
00:06:41Go to bed.
00:06:43Eat a sandwich.
00:06:46Listen, the membership that I really like is Planet Fitness.
00:06:50Because it's clean.
00:06:52And it's a no judgment zone.
00:06:54But that's the part I got an issue with.
00:06:56Like they need to change that slogan, man.
00:06:58No judgment is crazy.
00:07:00Like none?
00:07:02This America, we all judging a little bit.
00:07:04Like they need to put that on the wall.
00:07:05Like a little bit of judgment wouldn't hurt.
00:07:08Like that's what it should say.
00:07:09No judgment is crazy.
00:07:12There was a man laying on his stomach.
00:07:17Okay, you know the machine you're supposed to lay on your stomach and do your legs like this?
00:07:22What's it called?
00:07:24The leg curl?
00:07:25Thank you, creatine.
00:07:26What the fuck?
00:07:29He doing this.
00:07:31Right?
00:07:32This is the machine.
00:07:33He the other way.
00:07:34He doing his neck.
00:07:36This is where we need judgment.
00:07:37Somebody got to come up like,
00:07:38Hey man, what the fuck?
00:07:40Right?
00:07:41And nobody was saying anything because of no judgment.
00:07:42You're not supposed to say nothing.
00:07:43You got to be quiet.
00:07:44You can't make no noise.
00:07:45I said something.
00:07:46I walked up.
00:07:47I'm like, fam.
00:07:48Turn that shit around, bro.
00:07:49You can't.
00:07:50You know what I'm saying?
00:07:51Why are you doing neck ups?
00:07:52Who dick?
00:07:53You getting ready to suck that you need to be clearing 45 pounds 15 goddamn times for three sets.
00:07:58Are you about to go to the Avengers house?
00:08:00Is Thor waiting on you to come through with a superhero neck?
00:08:03Turn your dumb ass around.
00:08:05Do you know the staff came and talked to me?
00:08:08They saw this fool and they walked up to me.
00:08:11Hey man, you got to leave him alone.
00:08:12There's no judgment zone, man.
00:08:13He's using it however he feels fit.
00:08:15I was like, first of all, his dick and balls are where my face is going to go if I get on there next.
00:08:23Ridiculous.
00:08:24They want you to be quiet at the gym.
00:08:25It's the only gym in the world.
00:08:26They got a button on the wall.
00:08:27You can hit it if you make somebody loud and they come out and get them.
00:08:31They put them the fuck out of the gym.
00:08:33It's called a luck alert.
00:08:34Hit it.
00:08:35Bow.
00:08:36Purple lights go off.
00:08:37Security and shit be rolling all out from the bench presses and popping out the locker room and shit.
00:08:40You're like, where the fuck were all y'all at when I came in?
00:08:43They're like, you're too loud.
00:08:44Get your ass out of here.
00:08:46That's what they do.
00:08:47They want you to lift weights and be quiet.
00:08:50You know how stupid that is?
00:08:51This ain't no library.
00:08:53You should be able to say something.
00:08:55The whole point of lifting weights is what you got right now is the heaviest shit you've ever lifted.
00:08:58You're supposed to beat yesterday.
00:09:00So I'm going to pick up the heaviest shit I've ever picked up.
00:09:03And you want me to just breathe out my nose?
00:09:05I can't say nothing.
00:09:07I'm just like,
00:09:08hell no.
00:09:11The gym is supposed to be loud and wild.
00:09:13Supposed to be white dudes in the corner shaking out their thighs and shit like,
00:09:16yeah, motherfucker.
00:09:19Fucking doing smelling stuff.
00:09:20Yeah, motherfucker, bitch.
00:09:24Fuck yeah, yeah.
00:09:25I don't.
00:09:32But I got to be quiet.
00:09:34That's crazy to me.
00:09:35I don't even bust a nut quiet.
00:09:36How the fuck?
00:09:38I don't.
00:09:39That might be too much information, but I like to make noise.
00:09:42I make noise and I cuss at the end.
00:09:45I like to get right under the earlobe, right over that clavicle on that neck right there.
00:09:49I'll be like,
00:09:50fuck.
00:09:51That's how I buzz.
00:09:53You got to say something.
00:09:54It don't feel complete as a man if you don't say something.
00:09:56Fuck.
00:09:57Woo.
00:09:58You can woo after.
00:09:59Woo.
00:10:00You can do that after.
00:10:01Ladies, if you haven't heard that, if a man hasn't said that at the end of him busting the nut, your pussy's trash.
00:10:22And I don't want you to get, hey, hey, hey, don't get mad at me.
00:10:26hey don't get mad at me basura that's trash in Spanish cuz women with good
00:10:34pussy they know they wait on it they know it's coming you be like oh she's
00:10:40like let it out come on go ahead let it out fuck I know I know you talking all
00:10:49that shit at work you gonna blow my bag out look at you're sucking your thumb
00:10:54punk ass yeah you gotta say something it's weird if you don't it's just empty
00:11:03air
00:11:16you hungry absolutely not you gotta say something I don't care who you are even a
00:11:24pastor that's kind of pastor I won't I need to know my past the bus hard
00:11:32I didn't bust an anoint you bust a nut I bust anoint
00:11:50or that that was in there pressed down it was in there shaking it was running over it was up inside
00:11:58of me and it had to get out hey man these are jokes I ain't going to hell
00:12:06there was even girls
00:12:20we don't bust the same girls get stupid
00:12:26that's just a little group of people
00:12:29dog
00:12:30huh
00:12:31dog
00:12:33dog
00:12:34dog
00:12:34dog
00:12:36dog
00:12:37dog
00:12:39dog
00:12:42dog
00:12:43dog
00:12:45dog
00:12:46dog
00:12:48dog
00:12:49dog
00:12:51Alright, listen. Rule number one. If I look at you and you don't want no smoke, look away. That's rule number one. We did like 180 cities in the last two and a half years and every single show, that is the rule and the standard.
00:13:16But I do not get people unless they lock eyes with the bull and give me consent. So in every video you've seen where I'm tearing somebody's ass apart, you need to know that it started with them locking eyes and wanting all of the bullshit. As a matter of fact, this is called the Rose Zone. If anybody is accidentally down here, it's time to get the fuck out.
00:13:39Because rule number two is, if I look at you and you look at me and I start and you don't like what I decided to talk about, looking away will no longer save you.
00:13:54You got to do it at the top of the interaction. You know, you're not going to just be taste testing my jokes.
00:14:02People do that. They lock eyes with me. Then I start and they go, oh my God, you're talking about my snaggletooth.
00:14:08Oh my God. They be acting blind. He can't see me if I can't see him.
00:14:14George, y'all. George, y'all.
00:14:18If you act blind, I'm going to destroy your whole row.
00:14:27Rule number three, don't be sensitive on behalf of other people.
00:14:32Not in here, not tonight. Outside of here, you should, you know, look after your neighbor. It'd be a better place, a better world.
00:14:39Okay? But in here tonight, fuck them.
00:14:42Fuck them.
00:14:48Now listen, I'm well aware that the only people that just clap for that are the assholes.
00:14:59And you know who you are.
00:15:01But there's people in here that have big hearts. They're empaths.
00:15:05When something's happened to somebody else, they feel connected to it.
00:15:08I have to say it again. Not tonight.
00:15:10And right now, I want you to know I'm not talking to every demographic. I'm talking to white women specifically.
00:15:18Yeah. I've been doing comedy for 21 years. I know exactly which demographic is sensitive first.
00:15:24They touch their elbow and start asking for police, managers.
00:15:28I'm sorry. I just can't.
00:15:31No, I understand, but it's too much for me.
00:15:33And I just feel like, not tonight. You hear me, white lady?
00:15:36No, no, I just feel like, let your damn elbow go.
00:15:40Right there? Yeah, you got that look.
00:15:42Like, you touch your elbow, police be parachuting this bitch.
00:15:49And you might not be that person, but there's something in your blood, your heritage, that makes you just, it's what they do.
00:15:56White women been doing this long before the Karen name.
00:16:00Medieval times, they were there.
00:16:02Yeah, yeah, yeah, they were there.
00:16:05White people riding on horses.
00:16:08Full speed with whatever this shit is called.
00:16:12Whoa, cinnamon. Whoa, whoa, whoa, cinnamon.
00:16:16Whoa, cinnamon.
00:16:19Kings and queens.
00:16:21Round table.
00:16:23Sword in the stone.
00:16:24White women.
00:16:26They were there, tattle-telling.
00:16:28Sire!
00:16:29Sire, no, sire, one of the court jesters has gone too far.
00:16:36Please.
00:16:38May I suggest to be heading expeditiously as winter is coming.
00:16:46Prehistoric times.
00:16:47Wooly mammoths, saber-toothed tigers, nobody's safe.
00:16:53Going outside is a dangerous activity.
00:16:56You leave with seven people, rawr, you come back with five.
00:17:01Uncle auntie, gone.
00:17:03Ain't no funeral.
00:17:04You just put an X over they stick figure inside the cave.
00:17:11That's right.
00:17:13Wooly mammoths, saber-toothed tigers, white women.
00:17:16They were there.
00:17:18They were there.
00:17:20In the cave.
00:17:22Complaining.
00:17:32Ooga-booga.
00:17:35Ooga-booga-booga.
00:17:36Ooga-booga-booga.
00:17:37Ooga-booga-booga.
00:17:39Manager.
00:17:40Ooga-booga-booga.
00:17:41Ooga-booga-booga.
00:17:42Ooga-booga-booga-booga.
00:17:47And you got superpowers.
00:17:48Anybody can touch their elbow, but everybody don't get the same police response time.
00:17:54I didn't make the rules.
00:17:55This is America.
00:17:57It really is a thing.
00:17:58It's hand, elbow, somebody black going to jail.
00:18:03Hand, elbow, nigga jail.
00:18:07Hand, elbow, nigga jail.
00:18:09Everybody sing it with me.
00:18:14Shut the fuck up.
00:18:18Shut up.
00:18:19Way too many white people took a deep breath.
00:18:23Motherfuckers was gone saying, I saw you.
00:18:25He was like, oh shit.
00:18:27I can't wait for that third word, motherfucker.
00:18:30I'm going to say it.
00:18:32Not tonight, white people.
00:18:34You almost got your hand on your elbow now.
00:18:37Calm down.
00:18:48It's important.
00:18:49It's the whole reason why rule number three exists.
00:18:52Let me tell you guys how this happened.
00:18:54We was in Ontario, California.
00:18:55There was a man in a wheelchair right where you're sitting right here in the glasses.
00:18:58I like what you're doing with that.
00:19:00He was in a wheelchair.
00:19:02There's two kinds of wheelchairs.
00:19:04There's the no insurance wheelchair.
00:19:10Everybody's seen the wheelchair.
00:19:11It's the one in the back of the Rite Aid, CVS.
00:19:14It's back there next to the little thing.
00:19:16You put your arm in, get your blood pressure.
00:19:19When somebody finish up with it, they fold it up and leave it there for the next person with no insurance.
00:19:24They got the pedals on it.
00:19:25You got to put the pedals down.
00:19:26Then your feet up.
00:19:27You got to do everything yourself.
00:19:28You want to turn right, you got to push it.
00:19:30You want to go left, you got to pull it.
00:19:31You got to work hard.
00:19:32That's the no insurance wheelchair.
00:19:35Okay?
00:19:36My man didn't have that one.
00:19:37Something happened to him at work.
00:19:39He was paid.
00:19:41I could tell he was rich because his feet were elevated.
00:19:43This is the insurance.
00:19:47Ellen and I claim I won the lawsuit wheelchair.
00:19:51This is the I fell off a ladder at my government job wheelchair.
00:19:55I'm talking about he had on shoes that were 10 years old and they look brand goddamn new.
00:19:59They have never touched the ground before in the life of the shoe.
00:20:02It went from shelf to feet, feet to shelf, shelf, feet, feet, shelf, shelf, feet, feet, shelf.
00:20:09They never touched the ground.
00:20:10He on a memory foam pillow.
00:20:12Tesla battery.
00:20:13He got a joystick.
00:20:17He ain't doing nothing, man.
00:20:18He barking.
00:20:19I'll go.
00:20:2264 Impala hydraulics.
00:20:25And he was sitting right there.
00:20:27Roson paid a premium.
00:20:29Wanted some smoke.
00:20:31Nothing worked with his face and his two fingers.
00:20:33His face was locked on me.
00:20:34He wasn't even blinking as much as he should.
00:20:36He wanted smoke.
00:20:37I walked out and he was looking at me, eyes juicy.
00:20:41I looked at his eyes and I looked at what was going on.
00:20:44I was like, hell no.
00:20:47I'm not roasting a paraplegic.
00:20:48I ain't going to hell for nobody.
00:20:50I'm sorry.
00:20:51Absolutely not.
00:20:51I'm not doing that.
00:20:52He gets a pass.
00:20:53So I roasted around him.
00:20:55That way he can live vicariously through the other roasts.
00:20:59I moved on.
00:21:00I started working this side of the room.
00:21:01I'm cooking on this side.
00:21:02He noticed I was done over here.
00:21:04He took offense to that.
00:21:05He started trying to get my attention.
00:21:08He's like, no.
00:21:17No.
00:21:21No.
00:21:24I ignored it.
00:21:25I got a job to do.
00:21:28But I ignored it.
00:21:29He started whispering yelling.
00:21:30That's when I couldn't focus no more.
00:21:32He broke my attention.
00:21:32He was like, no.
00:21:35That's the one that got me.
00:21:46I was like, what?
00:21:47What?
00:21:48So would you please let me do my show, fam?
00:21:51He was like, how come when you roasted everyone over here, you didn't get me?
00:22:02My heart dropped.
00:22:05I was like, oh, my God.
00:22:08This moment is happening.
00:22:10This is my worst nightmare.
00:22:12And somebody that fucks with the audience, he wants some smoke, and I just can't do it.
00:22:17So I looked at him, and I was like, man, life's already on your ass, man.
00:22:21Just let me do my show.
00:22:27And then I looked in his eyes, and you could tell the eyes are the window to the soul.
00:22:31They were juicy and jovial.
00:22:31I could tell he was a playful soul.
00:22:34As soon as I looked at him, he was like, oh.
00:22:35Like, he knew this was his moment to act the damn fool.
00:22:40He was like, are you sure it's not because you're a bitch?
00:22:50I said, well, what the fuck is happening right now?
00:22:57I come out here to do my job.
00:22:59I give him a pass.
00:23:00Now I'm a bitch?
00:23:02Okay, Mario Kart.
00:23:03Let's get into it.
00:23:05So I called him Mario Kart.
00:23:07And he laughed immediately.
00:23:09He was like, ah-ha!
00:23:11He laughed so hard, his tongue came out.
00:23:13Somebody put it back in.
00:23:14It was amazing.
00:23:16Once he laughed, it gave everybody permission to laugh.
00:23:18It was that sweet spot in comedy where we're not laughing at him.
00:23:21We're laughing with him.
00:23:22It's the golden moment in comedy.
00:23:24And it was perfect.
00:23:25And he was laughing his ass off.
00:23:27And I kept hitting him with jokes.
00:23:28I'm like, how did you get here?
00:23:29On the Rainbow Road?
00:23:31Ba-ba-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
00:23:35He was like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
00:23:40And I'm like, oh, out of nowhere, a turtle shell strikes you from behind.
00:23:46He's like, I can't feel it.
00:23:47It was crazy.
00:23:48it was a crazy moment but everybody was laughing we were having fun out of nowhere white lady
00:23:54ruins the goddamn moment stands up in the back she's like absolutely not who makes fun of a
00:24:01paraplegic what the fuck nate jackson sucked the air out of the room everybody just felt like an
00:24:11asshole piece of shit at the same time everybody like it snatched us back to reality like everyone
00:24:16that was having fun was like am i laughing at a paraplegic especially me i called a mario
00:24:22card i'm like oh i'm for sure going to hell like it don't matter what i do in life i can give back
00:24:27to the community saint jude's i'm a member of omegan sci-fi we give back and blood drives and all the
00:24:36philanthropies none of that would matter at the entrance to heaven's gates when i'm like what's
00:24:42up in the slide man let your boy in they're like before we let you in we want to show you a power
00:24:48point real quick like a power point of what all my good deeds
00:24:53mario kart
00:24:56how y'all get that footage when i died i brought it i don't give a fuck when i died i brought it
00:25:05i brought it absolutely not i need a manager who's running this place
00:25:09it was so quiet in there man like you can hear a mouse bust
00:25:18you're like
00:25:22it's terrible
00:25:35only one person on god's green earth can save a moment like that the person that could
00:25:50did wasn't me it was way over my head my man in the wheelchair he piped up out of nowhere
00:25:56shut up bitch
00:26:05i paid for this just like that everybody came back to life like they were like i paid for this
00:26:11shit to fuck this bit like the whole crowd you should have seen it was like a wave it just rushed
00:26:15over the whole crowd people's joy was back people were laughing i could see tongue sticking out like
00:26:19people were having fun the wave went all the way across back the dude in the wheelchair he was like
00:26:24that didn't happen
00:26:43but it could have it could have happened laughter heals don't block nobody else's blessings
00:26:48that's the rules okay now turn on the lights down here let me see some people and give me my screen
00:26:56so i can cook this whole damn crowd
00:27:01uh-huh yeah
00:27:06let's go right here you gotta there's a man with a with a with a ponytail
00:27:12a man bun okay i'll take that are you hawaiian samoyan
00:27:18i thought what is a moan's tough hey oh yeah so what club do you work at
00:27:31that's security right there
00:27:33let me see your ideals let me see food
00:27:36chew chew chew chew
00:27:40so this your girl you got in a headlock outstanding that's that's your world back up that's too much
00:27:53you're giving her too much you're giving her too that's how you get your heart broke man just give
00:27:57her a couple continents man you don't gotta give her the whole world yeah damn the whole world earth
00:28:02okay so everything about her is what you encompass your love in yeah you crazy as a motherfucker
00:28:13he said yeah i am literally over her i'll kill everybody in this motherfucker
00:28:22so how'd you meet your girl at a soccer match
00:28:24a house party there's a backyard pig in the ground
00:28:34are you samoyan as well uh you got a little bass in your voice
00:28:42yeah that's you i'm hawaiian what's happening what's up you like dicks and balls what's up
00:28:47he said that's my world and i'll stick beside him
00:28:56yeah damn you sound like the all-state man
00:29:00are you in good hands
00:29:05all right let's move on to this side i want to talk to him real bad
00:29:09he was like yeah it's what the he's okay i know this in point two seconds
00:29:20what's your name sugar nice to meet you john so uh what do you do for money
00:29:28that's where the uh where the clinically the insane you recognize anybody in here
00:29:32huh you recognize anybody that's nuts up in it so is that you take that hair off at night or that
00:29:39stays on your head that's you okay because it looks like you can just be like oh god damn
00:29:46whoo that's a long day god damn oh we going back out my bad my bad my bad my bad
00:30:02what you just say to me bitch you know who you with i will throw this motherfucker over there
00:30:11i'ma throw this motherfucking bun bitch
00:30:16i was standing all right so i want to talk to the uh indiana jones here
00:30:26put him on the screen and brighten it up man it's too dark
00:30:29shit y'all set the camera for white people brighten it up
00:30:36god damn more more more more more more
00:30:51people like i didn't even know he was sitting right there
00:30:56how long you been barbecuing with no tools
00:30:59you look like you don't got no spatula you just grabbing to me y'all want all these
00:31:04panties
00:31:09and all these hot dogs got to be rolled
00:31:13god damn earl
00:31:17what's your name man you got a great spirit armando
00:31:22oh i didn't expect that at all
00:31:25he looked like earl or earnest
00:31:31armando what
00:31:35don't laugh that hard you're scaring the shit out of me man
00:31:39you look like he gonna laugh until a heart pop
00:31:40so armando what do you do for a living
00:31:50custom iron like to get the wrinkles out your clothes or like
00:31:55iron like metal
00:31:59what
00:32:00what we still need that
00:32:05that's not that's not a machine doing that yet
00:32:08it's just you and their bending
00:32:09shit
00:32:14god damn armando
00:32:16what have you built that i would be proud of if i saw it
00:32:19he didn't build no idea god damn
00:32:28he was like hey
00:32:32oh lord
00:32:33this your queen right here
00:32:40i see you got your hand interlocked
00:32:43how long y'all been loving like this
00:32:47two and a half years that's a lot less time than i thought you was gonna say
00:32:54i mean goddamn
00:32:56how'd you meet this young lady man how does an older gentleman like yourself suave pull a younger woman
00:33:01like this what you do armando
00:33:05he said i just said hey come here
00:33:10i was holding the cage i built
00:33:14she was motivated to come over to me when i had said come here
00:33:21and so two and a half years and so what was your first date like how did this origin story start
00:33:27you met online what app
00:33:31sweetbabyrays.com
00:33:39he like that's my cousin
00:33:49all right who else we gonna talk to right let's talk to you sir you look like you program computers from scratch
00:33:54what do you do for a living you're a butcher
00:34:04did that strike fear in anybody else's heart
00:34:08so all day long you're just cutting up meat
00:34:10all right i'm gonna move on man
00:34:14you know what i'm saying that's not what i'm trying to see in the alley
00:34:18you're talking
00:34:20are you sharpening a knife yeah my favorite one
00:34:30so do you eat meat
00:34:37he's like yeah hell yeah
00:34:40and are these your people right here yeah how far does it go
00:34:45the whole row what are y'all is that mexicans
00:34:50oh okay i saw your van out there
00:34:52all of them was in one van
00:35:02what's up with the big one in the middle how you doing
00:35:04i see you pulled your little curl down
00:35:14let it have and let it live pull the curl down baby this netflix man get your shine on
00:35:20oh yeah you look like bruno mars if you had a bad thyroid gland
00:35:30fellas put your stakes in the air
00:35:36what's your name man jose no way
00:35:45are you telling me there's another jose on the same line
00:35:47raise your hand if your name is jose
00:35:51so you're jose and he's jose holy
00:35:53shit you're mexican too okay you're a different kind of mexican than them
00:36:00you you uh michael khan michael khan yeah i know the mexican i'm not up here because i'm stupid
00:36:09he has michael khan facial features i know what i'm talking about he got dimples and stuff
00:36:12you're something else you you look like the cleveland indian logo you you look like lord
00:36:17yeah hold on ma'am could you move your big ass head so we can see him
00:36:27uh damn she like
00:36:28i'm on tv as well
00:36:38so what do you do for a living uh little jose
00:36:46you work from home okay not to be racist but i've never heard a mexican say that
00:36:52ever from home crazy on homes yes
00:37:07never heard a mexican say he works from home no disrespect la raza my friend but that's crazy
00:37:13what do you do from home you're a manager from home
00:37:23jose medium jose is he making this up is this real you're a manager from home what do you manage
00:37:32payment service they got bill collectors for weed
00:37:43they're like uh you had an ounce full uh
00:37:48when are you bringing it back bring it back i smoked that baby it's in the air
00:37:53he's like no way jose
00:37:59wow and what about you medium jose was this your girl right here oh my god
00:38:08ma'am are you safe i just feel like
00:38:13that's a lot of meat huh
00:38:14hell yeah y'all look good together though how did y'all meet how did y'all fall in love and all that
00:38:23your sister's friend uh-oh
00:38:26so you just went over there you just walked up like
00:38:29you just went over there you just went over there you just went over there you just went over there
00:38:40look i like them big how you doing oh my god papi wow look at your curls
00:38:47oh my god
00:38:50y'all look like y'all in love though y'all got good spirits i can tell
00:38:53how how much you like her scale from one to six thousand eight hundred and four
00:39:12touche
00:39:15and then i just wanted to talk to you guys because um you look just like you know like
00:39:23you look like like you know where everybody lives in the neighborhood
00:39:32the chicken's got a new lawnmower
00:39:38that's the face you have ma'am what do you do for a living
00:39:44high school teacher which grade
00:39:46uh senior and then what do you do you pe teacher
00:39:53you look like it just run another lap jackson
00:39:56you know what i'm saying you're a what
00:39:58industrial mechanic what give me three hundred dollars
00:40:05what do you work on what industry apple packing
00:40:09so you work with the road behind you
00:40:27all the mexicans clap like yeah it's funny everybody about you you're like what the
00:40:32fuck food what the fuck i actually pick apples what the fuck uh how did y'all meet like how does
00:40:39the how did just two healthy older white people get together
00:40:42you knocked on his door
00:40:53oh this is getting good hold on
00:40:57i'm gonna i'm gonna explain don't worry i got you she said i knocked on his door
00:41:02okay then she went i was with my boyfriend
00:41:09and that's when i screwed up
00:41:13so you were with your boyfriend and knocked on his door
00:41:16yeah explain
00:41:19so we were it was a barbecue
00:41:20so how do you go from a barbecue to knocking on his door this is
00:41:23very interesting
00:41:34she's like my boyfriend or friends with benefits i should say freaky ass lady
00:41:41she's like hella innocent she's like anybody want some vagina
00:41:49gather round seniors
00:41:53they're of age they are of age
00:41:59i thought you
00:42:02okay so you and your you and your buddy went over
00:42:06to his house and knocked on the door for what
00:42:09oh it was your barbecue
00:42:11okay and then he just you just took her
00:42:17at the door you were like only her fool you stay back
00:42:19or did you like holler at her all through like the barbecue where you're like look all the
00:42:26potato salad's gone but i saved you a scoop
00:42:30so so you stopped talking to your buddy and went back over to this house again
00:42:36and you're like you said you had more meat where that
00:42:44how long y'all been together
00:42:4729 years
00:42:51that's beautiful
00:42:53that's a perfect example
00:42:54they found real love started from some bullshit
00:43:02all the single women you need to take notes
00:43:05you're out here living life like a cactus
00:43:09you try nobody can get on
00:43:13sometimes you just got to go over there knock on the door and get digged down by the man with the barbecue
00:43:16spatula in his hand
00:43:18now where the single ladies at say al
00:43:22that explains why you guys were looking around
00:43:25single fella say yeah
00:43:30who was that
00:43:32oh that was you you look handsome how come you don't got nobody
00:43:36what's wrong with you
00:43:39what's your name chad
00:43:42and what do you do for uh state farm
00:43:46fish in alaska you fish in alaska do you want me to hook you up with someone
00:43:53you mean go ahead
00:43:56i need you to be like yes please sir
00:43:59and you're like i don't give a fuck i'll somebody like what
00:44:02you come in here looking like a big ass mini me i'm trying to help you
00:44:08looking like stone warm steve austin
00:44:16i'm not you know what you're just gonna be on your own tonight
00:44:23you want to meet somebody go to a barbecue
00:44:28all right jake ain't got no bitches let's move on
00:44:32no bitches i believe in love that's what i'm trying to get at here i believe in love i think
00:44:37that that's a message that needs to be out in the world there's a lot of stuff being torn up but love
00:44:41you're strong i believe in love i really do matter of fact if you're with your person look them in the
00:44:47face and say i love you
00:44:53oh that's beautiful i like that one listen if you got somebody stay even if it's like on the rocks a
00:44:59little bit
00:45:02relationships don't be perfect that's not real it's ups and downs you ask anybody been together
00:45:06along hey they go through shit you think she wants him picking apples and shit all day with mexicans
00:45:14it's ebbs and it flows i'm just saying if it ain't good just stay fellas stay with your girl
00:45:19man even if every night you go to bed she hits you in the side of your head every night you'll be
00:45:25like i'm gonna call her tonight she'll be like come here
00:45:27i'm gonna go ahead me stay because it's better than what's out here in these streets i promise
00:45:37you ain't out here but tumbleweeds and horse
00:45:42tumbleweeds and horse and when's the last time you saw a tumbleweed it's all horse
00:45:51dating is trash everybody lying i've been catfished two times
00:46:01worst catfish i ever heard of in my life wasn't even me and i want to share this with y'all
00:46:05because this is crazy it's my home girl she got catfish she fell in love on plenty of fish
00:46:11which is crazy by itself
00:46:13but she fell in love and i'm talking like talk on the phone for four days
00:46:20straight one call phone plugged in it's still dying
00:46:26i bumped into her on the fifth day i'm like where the hell you been
00:46:30i met the man of my dreams on plenty of fish and i love him so much and we're gonna go on a date he
00:46:34planned it and we're gonna go on a hike i was like um
00:46:37um so you about to go somewhere where can't nobody hear you scream
00:46:45with somebody you met on the internet that's just the first part of the date nate the second part
00:46:51if we're vibing on the hike we're going back to his place and we're gonna kick it i was like wow
00:46:58now listen ladies i don't mind if you want to have sex on your first date please do right just knock
00:47:02on the door interrupt the barbecue who wants some pussy
00:47:13do it my issue is going on a hike and then i'm like who wants that pussy that's great
00:47:20you know what i'm saying who prefers a pussy with four thousand steps on it that's
00:47:26your knee swollen she's inflamed there's a pine needle in there
00:47:29i don't want to just hike pussy please i prefer just out the tub uh wet foot steps
00:47:37you know that's my preference
00:47:40so i asked her after i seen her after i said how was the date she said it was
00:47:44fucking terrible
00:47:47i'm like what happens she's like yeah i got over there and he didn't have no legs
00:47:52i said what the fuck you know i'm like he ain't have no legs none like i said it like you can have
00:48:03a little bit of legs she's like yes none no legs at all now she mad i get over there this
00:48:09motherfucker a chicken nugget i said whoa wait you can't say that you can't you cannot call somebody
00:48:16with no legs a chicken nugget she's like that i'm a grown woman i want a man that can stand up for me
00:48:21i was like that's crazy i deserve a man that can stand up for me get over there and he's a boneless
00:48:27chicken wing i can't even believe it i'm like a boneless wing and how we gonna go on a hike anyway
00:48:33huh in a shopping cart i'm gonna just push him around the whole mountain trail i'm supposed to
00:48:37get a mountain bike put him in a basket i'm pedaling my ass off he pointing at the moon talking about
00:48:41he want to phone home i don't understand nate i'm a good woman i was like i am so sorry i am so sorry
00:48:47but i gotta be honest with you once she said he didn't have no legs all i heard was
00:48:55straight charlie brown teacher mode because every man in the history of men once you hear somebody
00:49:02ain't got no legs you got one burning question and fellas you got to be honest if you were just
00:49:06with your home boys no girls around y'all gonna be like okay but uh did you fuck that's all we want
00:49:23to know shit fuck legs i want to know did you hit that she was like absolutely not and it had nothing
00:49:32to do with the legs he was a liar had he been honest to me about the legs maybe but it was the
00:49:37lies for me i was like you are a liar it was the legs you want a man that can do a jumping jack just be
00:49:43honest and it's his fault it's his fault i've thought about this at great lengths i don't smoke
00:49:50weed but these are the kind of things i think about late at night
00:49:55like if something happened to me and i didn't have no legs i do believe i could get some
00:49:58pussy before women realized i ain't got no legs look at you like how the fuck i've thought about
00:50:06this you come to my house i'm in a bubble bath
00:50:14it's hella bubbles you can imagine legs are under there it's not there's no legs in there it's digging
00:50:19this seat get in the water bitch the water is fine get in the water i think i could do it she
00:50:31didn't do it though and that's i'm like why why you like that like you shorted yourself a wonderful core
00:50:36memory you know life is what you've been through like she could have turned up and been like one time
00:50:45at band camp but she did it she thinks she's better than us and that's terrible because let me tell
00:50:50you something about me you may not know this but uh if i get dressed up take me to shower get all my
00:50:55little deodorant socks straws wife beater get dressed fill my struggle with gas and drive across town
00:51:00expecting a legged woman and i get there and she's just propped up on the counter with her elbow on the
00:51:08microwave and she just wiggling her little nubs like that i'm gonna fuck and i am i know who i am
00:51:20i'm gonna fuck and it's not gonna take me long to decide either i was expecting legs she was sending me
00:51:26photoshopped pictures of her legs on her her body on her little friend's legs all of that i get there
00:51:31i'm still holding the door i'm in the doorway see most men get in there get comfortable then they start
00:51:36asking questions not me i don't beat around the bush i want to know what the going on
00:51:40i'm in the doorway on the linoleum the happened to your legs
00:51:48she's like i ain't got no legs you want some pussy or not
00:52:06i'm gonna do it because legs be in the way
00:52:18be honest legs be in the way fellas be honest you ever been with your girl after like brunch
00:52:22she's drunk like i want some dick yeah you're like okay let me get to the pussy there find it yeah
00:52:31if you can get by my legs you can have it like what the is going on i don't
00:52:36got to deal with that she ain't got no legs you know how many positions you can do without legs in
00:52:41the way she grown she just ain't got no legs she wants some dick she right there on the ground so i'm
00:52:46up up but she's 44 45 nice little age she's like give me some of that dick young man
00:53:08i don't know how you calling young man you know who you're fucking with christian you about to be a
00:53:14helicopter fucking with me i'm gonna pick her up put her on today
00:53:26spin me again you're going the other way
00:53:28like unequivocally i was like if a woman don't got no legs i'm fucking
00:53:58what about you bro would you do it no you got a hickey on your neck right now freaky ass boy
00:54:08you're not gonna you think you're better than that what about you would you go with no legs
00:54:12no okay what about you yeah they lying their ass off you would real man right there being honest
00:54:18appreciate that hell yeah what about you jake you ain't got no bitches would you smash
00:54:23what about you huh barbecue steel indiana jones be honest it could be her what is she the handle
00:54:33legs something happened he said give me that ass girl he said she ain't gonna have arms
00:54:40she could be a sexy caterpillar with me goddamn duffel bag
00:54:44but you're not gonna do it you think you're better than us huh interesting okay what if what
00:54:53if some men need to know why so let's just give you what happened to her leg so
00:54:56so she's a patriot she was fighting for your freedom
00:55:08yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah she was overseas and she was in the barracks
00:55:12one of them tents and a lonely grenade rolled in
00:55:16and she saw it she's like yo there's a grenade and nobody else heard her and she just had that
00:55:24moment where you just realized what you have to do she was just like america
00:55:30she jumped on the grenade it blew both her legs off
00:55:36pussy in pristine condition nothing happened to the pussy matter of fact it was almost like the explosion
00:55:43pushed all the juices up the pussy look like it was in the in the glass museum the pussy look immaculate
00:55:52okay now you at your house 2 15 in the morning hennessy in your system
00:56:01your dick hard your dick harder than hard shiny
00:56:08that's the hardest form of a dick that's the full evolution
00:56:11if a dick was a pokemon shiny
00:56:20i don't know if y'all ever been there shinies where all of the meat inside your dick is like
00:56:24what the fuck we about to do ain't no more meat left
00:56:30you ran out of skin ain't enough skin for all the meat inside of the dick
00:56:34it's taut
00:56:38you look down at your own dick and see reflections that sit in your room
00:56:42and it hurts she's like i gotta put this in something i gotta do something your girl ain't
00:56:47there she know where to be found you're by yourself handful of lotion you're gonna fix it
00:56:53right before you get to get to go to town you hear a knock at the door
00:56:57you go to the door handful of lotion pants at your knees you look in the peephole you don't see
00:57:06shit you see your whole porch out there goddamn huh must be the wind
00:57:17and your dick like come on man let's go do this so you head back to the room you hear another knock
00:57:25you go back you look you don't see nothing again now you start lying i got a gun in here
00:57:30and you do but not right now right now your pants down your hand full of lotion you're helpless
00:57:37your dick shiny it's literally wobbling when you are
00:57:44then out of nowhere the door gets kicked uh the door
00:57:51shit the door gets goddamn this it gets uh
00:57:54uh it gets like shoulder and get that gary bird's ear remember to tighten it just
00:58:03left side strong side the door just fly open pow she fall in oh my god oh oh oh oh my god i don't
00:58:16have any legs give me some dick your dick is shiny it's shiny i'm a war hero i'm lieutenant daniel
00:58:35would you do it then
00:58:36he's like i'm still saying no he's like i'll do it fuck it yeah he said i'm doing it for america
00:58:48that's gay
00:58:52i described a hypothetical woman with no legs he didn't want to do it but when i tooted my ass at his face
00:58:57that won him over he was like oh this shit getting good oh shit i didn't know he was gonna act an ass
00:59:12so maybe just stay single jake fuck it it ain't worth it because this is the kind of
00:59:16shit you got to go through when you chase the dragon
00:59:21now i'm gonna get out of here but i want to do this on the way out because people say that all we got
00:59:25up here is salmon white women and coffee and this crowd shows a lot of diversity they say that we
00:59:32dumb up here did you know that so i want to show the world that we actually we smart so we gonna play
00:59:38a game and i need everybody to participate even if you in the mexican row and you mad at me
00:59:45i need you to stay involved barbecue man barbecue lady i need you in there lock in miss man bun
00:59:51i need you involved so we gonna show the world that we smart here i'm gonna ask you some math questions
01:00:00the one agent like i'm not the kind that count
01:00:06i the kind that cook different kind
01:00:11we about to do this you better get ready hello it's happening
01:00:1410 plus 10 not enough 10 plus 10 plus five plus five divided by two divided by two
01:00:31you see that america we handled a decimal nobody nobody dropped the ball even our rednecks are like seven and a
01:00:41half
01:00:45now we're gonna show off i'm gonna go faster seven point five plus point five
01:00:49plus two times seven plus seven
01:00:54divided by eleven minus two minus one divided by two minus one minus one minus one
01:01:03zero final answer and that is exactly how many bitches he got
01:01:09see how the wash is in i love y'all man
01:01:23the
01:01:35but you look excited sir with the harry and the henderson forehead
01:01:38let's scoot down just a little bit just scoot down right right there
01:01:51why is it so shiny he's like he stopped in the airport shoe shine
01:01:55i want y'all to light up the balcony and i'm gonna talk some shit up there too
01:02:04that lady laughed like a crackhead
01:02:11y'all giving up a ruben stutter man he made it out
01:02:13hell yeah and right in front of him nelly's father i'm going down down baby your street in a roller
01:02:24goes up let me see who is that and all that hair up there oh shit
01:02:31rapunzel rapunzel let your hair down she's trying to let it down listen
01:02:40if i grab that it's coming off
01:02:46let's go up
01:02:55oh
01:02:57shit
01:03:00oh
01:03:01shit
01:03:03oh i can't i can't oh we
01:03:06shit you look beautiful sir
01:03:08you're beautiful god damn he look just like my dick
01:03:15as soon as i looked at him i was like
01:03:17oh
01:03:17oh
01:03:36you
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