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00:00We'll come take a ride, with the weirdest guy I know, well it's Wednesday night, and out you did it go, the Chris Gathard Show, Chris Gathard Show, Chris Gathard Show, Chris Gathard Show, Chris Gathard Show.
00:26Hello, welcome everyone, thank you, all right, thank you everybody, no rhyme or reason behind the length of the applause, thank you guys so much, my name is Chris Gathard, welcome to the Chris Gathard Show, we want to say thanks to everybody watching on MNN right now,
00:55everybody watching at thechrisgathardshow.com right now, I want to thank the LLC for playing me in, you guys sound great tonight, that's awesome, we want to get your stories, we want our callers, call up right now, I'm not a drug guy, I don't do drug guys, but I'm super into Breaking Bad right now, that show's the best, so I'm obsessed with drugs, so call us up, what's the weirdest drug you ever did, what's the craziest thing you ever did to get drugs, what's the craziest thing you ever did while you were on drugs,
01:17we want to hear from you on the phone, remember it's anonymous, you don't have to say your name, so we'll do it, specifically interested,
01:23yeah, yeah, yeah, why don't you give us a call, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
01:53Any Crocodile users, call up.
01:55We want to hear from you guys.
01:56Most of the Crocodile users die.
01:57Yeah, most of them die.
01:58I bet you there's a couple Crocodile users.
01:59We can get even one.
02:01No, don't lie.
02:02Don't lie and say you did Crocodile if you haven't done Crocodile.
02:04That makes meth look like China White Cocaine.
02:07Yeah.
02:08Great point, Random Gene.
02:09Great point.
02:10So before we introduce our panelists tonight, before we even get into it,
02:13we've got a couple major announcements for The Gethardt Show.
02:16A couple major announcements.
02:17First one being we are now video podcasting, which we're all very excited about.
02:21Every episode we've ever done, you can sign up, go to iTunes, go to blip.tv.
02:26Every episode we've ever done, full quality, you can download it,
02:28watch it on your iPad, your computer.
02:30You don't have to watch on a stream anymore.
02:32Other big news, huge news, Joe from Queens, banned from the show forever.
02:37Decide after last week.
02:39Joe from Queens, yeah.
02:40All the ladies on the panel, very happy about it.
02:42Joe from Queens have been calling up Tormentic Shannon.
02:44It's a fake person anyway.
02:45It's a fake person.
02:46If you're going to be an asshole and also a character, you're just worthless.
02:49You're just worthless to the show.
02:50You're real.
02:51Yeah, you can be a nice character, you can be a real asshole.
02:54You can't be a fake asshole.
02:56Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:56Not into it.
02:57Joe from Queens, if you call tonight, we will hang up on you.
02:59So don't do it.
03:00Lastly, huge news.
03:03Random Jean is leaving The Chris Gethardt Show.
03:05Ladies and gentlemen, look at that.
03:08We're getting rid of her.
03:09She's got a record deal.
03:10Random Jean, yeah.
03:12She's got a development deal with NBC.
03:15Random Jean is taking over Whitney Cummings for a moment.
03:18Yes, it's called Jean.
03:22She's doing that and George Lopez's slot.
03:24She got the George Lopez slot.
03:25Oh, hell yeah.
03:26I know, Random Jean.
03:28You got a job out on the West Coast, so you'll be leaving us, which is sad, and we'll be talking
03:33about that more in future episodes.
03:35We're not sure.
03:35Maybe next week.
03:36Maybe the week after will be your last episode.
03:37We're figuring it out.
03:38But I do want to put this on the table for anyone watching right now.
03:42Just because Jean's leaving doesn't mean we're not going to have a random.
03:45So we want to know who the new random's going to be.
03:47There must be a random at all times.
03:50If you think you have what it takes to be the new random, I don't care if you're random
03:54Harry, random Paul, random Vanessa.
03:57Vanessa, as long as no one involved in the show knows you, you might have a chance to
04:01sit in that seat.
04:03And Random Jean was here for 15 weeks.
04:04We'll get, just like George Washington set the term limit for president.
04:07Yes.
04:08You got 15 weeks on the show if you want it.
04:10She could have been king, but she turned it down.
04:11Yeah.
04:12Email us at zero laughs, Z-E-R-O laughs at gmail.com.
04:16Let us know why you think you should be the new random.
04:19And that's that.
04:19That was a George Washington reference, right?
04:21Yeah.
04:21Because he could have been king.
04:22How do we get to pick who the next random is, right?
04:27I think what we're going to do is we're going to see who emails in.
04:29We're going to have a few contestants in hopefully next week.
04:31We're going to have them make their case, and then we'll decide.
04:34A little random off.
04:35And as always, we'll just go through real quick.
04:36We've already gotten the show started, but we've got Will Hines, Shannon O'Neill,
04:39Don Finnelli, Random Jean, Bethany Hall, and of course, the Human Fish.
04:46Human Fish.
04:48Human Fish.
04:50What's he thinking?
04:51That's okay.
05:00Sometimes that happens.
05:02Sometimes things just explode in our studio.
05:04I felt like a good hit of crock in this.
05:05It did.
05:06It did.
05:07So, Human Fish, what's on your mind right now?
05:11Doves versus Dov Sharny.
05:16Doves versus Dov Sharny.
05:18Who wins?
05:19Doves.
05:21Thank God.
05:23Thank God.
05:25Why does it pronounce Dov Sharny?
05:27I don't know.
05:28Human Fish is not of this world.
05:29You could be right, Random Jean.
05:31We're playing a game tonight.
05:33It's called Can You Find the Human Fish?
05:35Yeah.
05:38Where's he hiding?
05:40Human Fish.
05:42I can't find him.
05:45Human Fish.
05:46All right.
05:47So, hold on, hold on, hold on.
05:48Fish, fish, fish.
05:49Hold on, man.
05:50Slow your roll.
05:51So, here's what's going to work for our callers.
05:52So, camera will close up on the rest of us.
05:55While that's happening, Human Fish will hide somewhere in this studio.
05:59He will be on camera.
06:01Like where's Waldo, it won't be obvious.
06:02Callers, you can call up.
06:03Guess where he is.
06:04Anyone who guesses correctly, we will give you a prize.
06:07So, Human Fish, let's have the cameras.
06:09We'll close up.
06:10Human Fish, go ahead and hide.
06:12We'll see when our callers can find you.
06:15It's going to be easy for us.
06:16Yeah, I mean, we're not guessing.
06:17It's just calling.
06:18I feel like everywhere the Human Fish goes, the camera is going there.
06:22Yeah, but I think we have a close up right now to mask that.
06:24So, we'll go ahead.
06:25We'll get it going.
06:26With that being said, Mimi, how are you with the hula hoops?
06:28Three weeks in a row.
06:29It's tight, but it's fabulous.
06:31All right.
06:32Wonderful.
06:32That's what he said.
06:34Let's see if we have any callers on the line.
06:38Caller, welcome to the Chris Gethardt Show.
06:40Are you here?
06:41Hey, how are you doing?
06:42Good.
06:42How can we help you?
06:43I'm doing fine.
06:44I used to grow mushrooms in college.
06:46You did?
06:48I did.
06:49I was really bored, and I thought it would be a fun little science experiment to see if
06:57I could actually successfully grow mushrooms.
07:00And did you take them or sell them?
07:01I bought all the equipment for it, and the syringes, and my friends and I tried it out.
07:09It was amazing.
07:11I was left at the beach for six hours by myself, and I had a very spiritual moment.
07:19It was wonderful.
07:20Okay.
07:21What do you need syringes for?
07:24I can't hear you guys really at all.
07:26Can you talk a little louder?
07:27No, well, Bethany was asking about the syringes, but I believe that's where, like, the spores
07:31come that you inject to grow the mushrooms.
07:33So, I want to say right off the bat, we don't condone drug use or endorse any drug use.
07:39Okay.
07:40Why not?
07:41Wow.
07:41Will Hines.
07:42When you say we, you mean you.
07:44Yeah.
07:44Yes.
07:45MNN.
07:46MNN.
07:46The Chris Gethardt Show.
07:47Oh, right, right, right.
07:48None of the institutions, every individual's viewpoint is their viewpoint.
07:51Nobody who can be sued.
07:52Yes.
07:53No one who can undergo litigation.
07:55Just sue Will.
07:56I just said to myself a libertarian, so.
07:57Is it okay if I say drugs are really awesome?
08:02You can say that.
08:03You can say that.
08:03So, are mushrooms your favorite drug?
08:06Mushrooms and acid are probably my favorite.
08:08I don't actually even touch the other stuff.
08:10So, you're a hallucinogen guy.
08:11See, I've always been scared of hallucinogens because I already have such depression issues
08:15that I fear that they will make me lose my mind entirely.
08:18I have said to you many times I will never let you.
08:21I should never do them, right?
08:22Never do them, ever.
08:23No way.
08:24You'll go crazy.
08:25I think you probably have a lot of fun.
08:28If you ever need any, let me know.
08:31All right.
08:32Is that a real offer?
08:33That's a real offer.
08:35You still grow those mushrooms?
08:37I will grow more mushrooms.
08:38I've been asked to do it.
08:39I can grow more and I'll give you some.
08:42Wow.
08:42Great.
08:43You know where we are.
08:45Caller, before we let you go, do you want to take a guess as to where the human fish is hiding?
08:50Uh, geez.
08:54I'm going to say under this stage.
08:57I wasn't really paying attention.
08:58All right.
08:59Sorry.
08:59You were wrong.
09:00You did not win a prize, but we thank you for the call.
09:01We'll keep mushrooms in mind.
09:02Thank you very much.
09:04Have a great night.
09:07That's good.
09:08So, we've got to hook up for mushrooms.
09:09We're purposely, like, not asking these people their names, right?
09:11Yeah, yeah.
09:12We'll let anyone who wants to offer their name can, but we'll let them be anonymous.
09:15Do we have another caller on the line?
09:16Caller, welcome to the show.
09:18Caller on the line.
09:19Oh, here we go.
09:20Oh, you've got to turn down your TV.
09:32Caller.
09:32Yeah, are you here?
09:34Yeah, Joe from Queens.
09:36Goodbye.
09:38Goodbye.
09:38We hung up on Joe, right?
09:41Let's go ahead.
09:42Do we have another caller?
09:43Another caller on the air?
09:45Clugman, hit it.
09:47Who's this?
09:48Jack Clugman.
09:49Jack Clugman.
09:50Our old favorite.
09:51We like you.
09:52We don't like Joe from Queens.
09:53Jack Clugman, how's it going tonight?
09:55I should hit it.
09:56I want my theme song.
09:57Okay.
09:58Fucking hit it.
10:01The Odd Couple.
10:02We're playing it.
10:03Clugman, we're playing it, man.
10:05Chill out.
10:10Clugman, you seem like you're in an angry mood tonight.
10:13Yeah, I'm really pissed off that Random Gene is leaving.
10:17Oh, wow.
10:18Right, right.
10:19So you're a fan.
10:20You're a fan of Random Gene.
10:21I'm a fan of Random Gene.
10:22I'd like to offer a job.
10:24Maybe I could double her salary.
10:27Really?
10:27Yeah, how would you like to work for me?
10:31Go do errands.
10:32Pick up medicine and shit.
10:34Go do errands.
10:36So you want Random Gene to come do errands for you, Jack Clugman?
10:41Pick up medicine.
10:42Go take walks.
10:45Take walks?
10:46Take walks and take walks.
10:47Take walks.
10:48Pick up medicine and take walks.
10:49The errand of taking walks.
10:51Right.
10:51How much are we offering per month?
10:54Monthly sale.
10:54Anyway, great joke.
10:56Great joke.
10:56Thank you, Clugman.
10:57Thank you, Clugman.
10:58So any drug stories tonight?
11:00That's our topic tonight.
11:02Thank you, Clugman.
11:03So any drug stories tonight?
11:04That's our topic tonight.
11:06Clugman?
11:07Get it together, Clugman.
11:10Hello?
11:13Who is this?
11:14Oh, he's gone.
11:15Who is this?
11:15You have to turn down your TV, whoever you are.
11:18Okay, okay.
11:20So what's up?
11:21Yeah, what's on your mind?
11:23Oh, yeah.
11:25I was in Jamaica.
11:27Okay.
11:28And I bought some ganja cake on the beach.
11:31Ganja cake.
11:32Okay.
11:33That's interesting.
11:34Yeah.
11:35So we were getting our hair braided.
11:36My friend was getting our hair braided, and this guy offered me ganja cake.
11:40So you had the most Jamaican experience of all time.
11:43What?
11:43That's the most Jamaican thing that's ever happened.
11:46And I went into this shack.
11:49It was kind of weird.
11:51And so I went into this shack on the beach and bought some ganja cake.
11:53And then I ate it, and then we went to this other beach.
11:59It was like our sister resort or whatever.
12:03And so we were on the beach, and then we decided to book this tour for the next day.
12:09So we crossed the street and broke this tour with this woman, and I started, like, getting
12:14really confused about credit cards and stuff like that.
12:19But anyway, so we walked back over to the beach, and I was, like, getting really, really
12:25over the top.
12:25And I smoked a lot of weed, but I was getting, like, over the top, a little bit freaked out.
12:31Right.
12:31I was just, like, worried that I didn't have enough sunscreen on, and I kept putting on
12:36tons of sunscreen.
12:39And I was getting really nervous.
12:40And then I got a phone call from the bar that was right behind me.
12:46Someone came up to me and said, hey, are you Kristen?
12:49I said, yeah.
12:50You have a phone call at the bar.
12:51And I was like, what the fuck?
12:53What the hell is going on?
12:55And I got really nervous because I had this huge nest of weed in my hotel room, and I thought
13:04I was getting in trouble.
13:06And so, but it was my sister.
13:09It was, like, the same company as the hotel we stay at.
13:12And so that's why I thought they had found a nug on my dresser.
13:17You might be random, Kristen.
13:19Where's this story go, Kristen?
13:21Where does the fucking Dodger Cake guy come in?
13:24I'm about to jump in the shower, so that's pretty much it.
13:30I mean, the economy, no, that's it.
13:34Okay.
13:35That's your whole call?
13:36That's awesome.
13:37That's good.
13:38It's better than the last guy.
13:40He came to play the game.
13:41That's better.
13:42And more to the point.
13:43Let's talk about it.
13:43So, Michael, you prank call this show all the time.
13:46Yes.
13:46You always trick me.
13:47Yeah.
13:48What goes into your mind?
13:49Because that guy clearly was like, I'll do the southern accent.
13:52That was the extent of the thought he put into it.
13:54The real thought that I have is, who is a fictional character who has experienced, a fictional
14:00or dead character?
14:01Like a historical figure.
14:02Yeah, sure.
14:02Who has experienced something relative to the question you're asking.
14:06I'll try and think of someone.
14:07Yeah, so if you were calling tonight about Hunter S. Thompson would be a good one.
14:10Sure, that's true.
14:11Yeah, but think something up.
14:12I'm not crazy about Hunter S. Thompson.
14:14All right.
14:15Hey, man.
14:15First thought.
14:16First thought.
14:16So, let's get another caller in so we can maybe get the human fish out from where he's
14:20hiding.
14:21Caller, are you on the line?
14:25Caller, we hear you breathing.
14:27Is that me?
14:28Yeah.
14:29Yeah, yeah.
14:29What's up?
14:29Sorry, nobody told me I was going to be on.
14:32Well, yeah.
14:33We just threw you in.
14:34What's up?
14:34I have a drug usage story from Egypt.
14:37Okay.
14:38Before we get into that, do you want to guess where the human fish is hiding?
14:42Under the table.
14:43Great guess.
14:45Unfortunately, no.
14:46Also, what table?
14:50Maybe a thing.
14:52So, what's your drug story from Egypt?
14:56I lived in Cairo about a couple years ago.
14:59This is going to be awesome.
15:00And we took a bus out to the Egyptian desert by Libya.
15:06It's this enormous desert called the Great Sand Sea, still covered in mines from World War
15:10II.
15:11Oh, okay.
15:11And my friend made a bunch of hash brownies to take with us.
15:18And we took them out there, and there's just one guy who's our driver.
15:23I speak a little bit of Arabic.
15:24My friends speak natively.
15:26The girls we were with don't speak any Arabic at all.
15:30The guys that we were with asked us what we were eating.
15:33We told them that it was hash brownies.
15:36And he asked for some.
15:38We gave him some.
15:39Then we're all very high.
15:42You drove to Libya and got real fucked up with strangers?
15:46What's that?
15:47You basically drove to Libya and got fucked up with strangers.
15:51Well, we weren't quite to Libya, just on the far border of Egypt.
15:55Okay, okay.
15:56And the guide starts freaking out, and he asks us what was in the brownies.
16:03And we said, we told you they were hash brownies.
16:06And it turns out that he's a very devout Muslim and had no idea that they were hash brownies.
16:11He thought we were kidding.
16:12He must have been fucking pissed.
16:19So it's just him and me and my friend and these two girls, and we're in the desert.
16:26There's nothing around for hundreds of miles because he's driven us out there in his car.
16:31And my friend, who speaks Arabic and is the only one that can talk to him, becomes really paranoid and convinced he's going to murder us in our sleep.
16:41And will not go to sleep at all until the driver goes to sleep.
16:46Wow.
16:47I would say that's our best drug story so far, right?
16:50Congratulations.
16:51That's the call of the night thus far.
16:53So he accidentally does our driver.
16:55Almost getting murdered.
16:56So glad you gave us a call.
16:57Thank you very much.
16:59Great call.
16:59Great call.
17:01Getting real messed up on hash.
17:03Spoiling the religion of another man who you're that scared is going to murder you.
17:06Especially in Africa, where that stuff's so illegal beyond belief.
17:11Yeah.
17:11Brandon Jean, I have no idea if that's true or not.
17:15No idea.
17:16Are you kidding me?
17:17These third world countries, if they find you with drugs, they're...
17:20You give me a second.
17:21They're Muslims.
17:22They don't want to find you with alcohol.
17:24Yeah, but if they find you with drugs, the punishment's way worse.
17:28Yo, fuck America!
17:31We have to go ahead, ladies and gentlemen.
17:33We have a very special musical guest with us tonight.
17:35I want to invite everybody in the studio to get up because we're about to have a party.
17:38Joining us, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the one, the only, Robust One!
17:46What's up, guys?
17:47Thank you, Pits, for having me.
17:52This song right here is called Pins and Needles.
17:58It's about that drug from Russia, I think.
18:04Throw on the kicks, child of the night, hit the strip with a cigarette hanging off of my lips.
18:09No particular place to be, just drip with the lights and the sounds of the city floating amiss.
18:15Pretty bored a bit, make a call in, got a meeting in about 10 on sitter and fifth.
18:20But it's a prison street, cause after this, separate mine from troubles beating me down in a simple bag of bliss.
18:25Mindshare masquerade, internal rest in place.
18:28Celebration, silence, internal ultraviolence.
18:31Lock the door, give the lights, light a cigarette.
18:33When you've never left, inhale, then sink into my chair.
18:35Now you've got it, and I need more.
18:41Song's not over yet, though.
18:50Flip around the sidekick, roll it to the backlog.
18:53Scroll down, press in, please repeat, last call.
18:56I hate these tricks, any way to buy in bulk.
18:59Need bricks to build this mansion in paradise, of course.
19:02Contractive acts as the office, file the blueprint.
19:04Grab tools, we've both in the package, oh, it's a new stamp.
19:07Another keep, save the add to my collection.
19:10And you're growing so beautiful, you're watching your progression.
19:13Cherry-flavored bulb, shiny little gun.
19:16Rusty razor blade, wild west on the draw.
19:18Lock the door, kill the lights, light a cigarette.
19:21Run you parallel, inhale, then sink into my chair.
19:24Now you're going, going, going, going, going, going.
19:27This is like my favorite beat on the album.
19:33Hey, if you're here tonight, make some noise.
19:36Come on, let's get it out.
19:37Check it.
19:42Last time I promised straight, lying to myself.
19:45I never let you go, pretty lady.
19:47We're in love in the morning, in the evening.
19:50Anytime you're always there for me.
19:52I mean, you made the sun rise in my soul.
19:54Don't ever leave me, it's the only thing I fear.
19:57Oh, sorry for doing this dance in my ear.
20:00Lock the door, kill the lights.
20:02Light a cigarette.
20:03Run you parallel, inhale, then.
20:05These are my basketball diaries.
20:08I'm 10 seconds from dying.
20:09See, overdose, agromatose, saliva, 12 to back to sleep.
20:12You really don't know me.
20:15Anyone else stories to share?
20:16That's better than mine.
20:17I was going to talk about how I did mushrooms, and it was fun.
20:21I did.
20:21Your story's better.
20:22I didn't do a man-gina.
20:23I've done ecstasy twice.
20:24The hardest drug I've ever done is ecstasy,
20:26and I'll never do it again,
20:27because the second time I took it, I hallucinated it.
20:29I was at a party, and then I freaked out
20:32and started driving a car all over New York City.
20:34Everybody drove through the Lincoln Tunnel while hallucinating.
20:37Probably should have not just told that story.
20:40That's a bad one, right?
20:41Did you know that Peter Jennings did, like, an expose on ecstasy,
20:44and it turns out it's not that bad for you?
20:46Look at that.
20:47Well, for me, it almost caused my death by car crash.
20:51When I was 11.
20:54When you were 11.
20:55That's how you're starting your drug story.
20:57This is, well, because the point of the story is I don't do drugs,
21:02but I did when I was 11.
21:03Okay.
21:05Okay.
21:06I have, you know, four older brothers, one younger,
21:09and I knew that they were all smoking weed,
21:11and we were wakeboarding, and I wanted to fit in.
21:15So I was going into the sixth grade, and I was like, to my brother Brad,
21:21I was like, Brad, what's it like when you smoke weed?
21:24And he's like, oh, yeah, you want to try it?
21:27My brother's got me so high.
21:30And then you bakeboarded?
21:32Then I bakeboarded.
21:34They say weed is the gateway drug, but as we all know,
21:38wakeboarding is the gateway drug.
21:39But the funniest thing was that when I got to high school,
21:43I'd been smoking weed for three years already.
21:46When I got to high school, people were like,
21:49how do you want some pot?
21:50And I was like, nah, done it.
21:52And I just didn't do it.
21:54Wow.
21:54That's badass.
21:55Yeah, I was a little badass.
21:56Wow.
21:57The rabbit started around our boss.
22:00So moral story, let your children smoke pot,
22:03and they'll be over it.
22:06Okay, what's the story?
22:06Well, I got this scar on my chin right here last year.
22:12I was at home by myself in Philly,
22:15and I thought it was a good idea to drink, like,
22:17two gallons of vodka and mushrooms.
22:20Okay.
22:21So I passed out, right?
22:24And I was out for maybe like an hour,
22:27and I woke up, ran upstairs to the bathroom,
22:30tripped over, like, a pile of toilet paper,
22:33and just busted my face in the shower.
22:35And, like, everyone heard it downstairs,
22:38and we were like, oh, you know, whatever.
22:39Yeah.
22:40And I came back down, and I had, like,
22:43just this look on my face, like,
22:44wow, I'm such an asshole.
22:46I'm, like, pouring blood everywhere.
22:47And I put this little-ass band-aid on it,
22:51laid back on the couch like nothing happened.
22:54Wow.
22:54And it, I stayed there.
22:55So what happens when you mix vodka and mushrooms?
22:58What's the effect?
22:59Because I've never done mushrooms.
23:01I drank vodka.
23:02I've never had two gallons.
23:04I was talking a lot of shit, like,
23:04said a bunch of things I probably shouldn't have
23:06because, like, I'm a little guy.
23:07Yeah.
23:08I probably didn't get my ass kicked that night.
23:10Yeah.
23:10And, uh, it didn't feel good.
23:12Like, everything was just spinning,
23:13and it was like that for a few days.
23:16Wow.
23:16A few days of spinning.
23:17I proceeded to watch, like,
23:19I was trying to watch, like,
23:20Schindler's List and the real stuff.
23:23It was precious.
23:25So you drank two gallons of vodka.
23:26Famous stoner movie, Schindler's List.
23:28Ate a bunch of mushrooms to watch Schindler's List?
23:30I tried to.
23:31Everyone told me not to.
23:32It sounds like I don't know anything about mushrooms.
23:34The original cut of Schindler's List
23:35had Pink Floyd soundtracks.
23:37Yeah.
23:38We did it with that.
23:39Crazy.
23:40Do you have any, uh,
23:40time to go to our film for the day?
23:43Ladies and gentlemen,
23:44our producers, writers,
23:47Drew and Noah,
23:47they've told me that they're very excited
23:49about the football season.
23:50They wanted to make a video
23:52all about it.
23:53So please, uh,
23:54let's check it out.
23:55Drew and Noah present
23:56Are You Ready for Some Football?
24:14From the shot,
24:26passing situation,
24:28drops back to throw,
24:29has pressure,
24:30fires to the end zone,
24:32and then with a hand to get a touchdown.
24:37So very unfortunate right there,
24:40as hand as his hands,
24:41we just couldn't hold up.
24:42Extremely well executed plays,
24:43offensive line,
24:44and then with a defense,
24:46and the right back,
24:47he has a list of football on time,
24:50and the ring route.
24:51Ooh.
24:52So 10-17 remaining in the first quarter,
24:56no score.
24:57Mm-hmm.
25:03Hey, I'll watch it.
25:04I'm watching.
25:05I'm watching.
25:05I'm going to get a gun on.
25:06I'm watching.
25:07I'm watching.
25:07I'm watching.
25:07I'm watching.
25:07I'm watching.
25:08I'm watching.
25:08I'm watching.
25:08I'm watching.
25:09I'm watching.
25:09I'm watching.
25:09I'm watching.
25:10I'm watching.
25:11I'm watching.
25:33Video was only tangentially connected.
25:37There is football playing on a TV you guys weren't watching.
25:40was your whole video.
25:41What the hell was that?
25:43DVD menu noise.
25:44All right, in the meantime,
25:45someone named Kevin Browning
25:47correctly guessed where the human fish was hiding
25:49behind that blue panel, behind the band.
25:52Human fish, come back on out.
25:54Kevin Browning, congratulations.
25:56Kevin Browning, if you're still watching,
25:58email zero laughs, Z-E-R-O laughs at gmail.com.
26:02Send us your home address.
26:03We'll send you a prize.
26:03In the meantime, human fish is going to go ahead and hide.
26:06We can look around.
26:07We can see we got boxes.
26:08We got people he can be hiding behind.
26:09We got that weird thing.
26:11All sorts of places we can hide.
26:13Let's go ahead, human fish.
26:14Let's get the close-up.
26:16Let's get that camera so people can't see.
26:18All right, human fish, hide.
26:20You stumped him real bad last time.
26:22Let's go see what we can do this time.
26:25Okay, human fish hiding someplace.
26:27Here's a hint.
26:28It's very degrading.
26:30It's very degrading.
26:31Okay, okay.
26:32Do we have a caller on the line?
26:34Caller, welcome to the show.
26:35Hey, guys.
26:36Do you want to guess where the human fish is hiding?
26:39Um, sure.
26:42Behind the TV?
26:43No, great guess.
26:45Although I have a guess about who you are.
26:47Is this our friend Walter?
26:48Yep.
26:49How's it going, Walter?
26:50Good.
26:51I actually missed my theme song.
27:01Yeah, they played your theme song for you.
27:03Walter is our only fan, our number one fan.
27:06Number one.
27:07It's been a long time since you've called in.
27:09You've come to the studio a few times, but it's great to hear you on the phones again.
27:12Yeah, yeah.
27:12I haven't been there for the past two weeks because I've been working.
27:16Fair, fair.
27:17So, did you have a story you wanted to talk about tonight?
27:19I, you know, I actually have experience with the, with the drugs.
27:26Um, nothing happened to me.
27:27I tried a pot and I didn't get high and I tried a popper last week and nothing happened to me.
27:34Did you say poppers?
27:35Yeah.
27:36Okay, poppers.
27:37A popper is, it's nitrous oxide and a lot of people use it while having sex, right?
27:44That's true.
27:45All right.
27:46I'll ask no more, Walter.
27:47Your secrets are safe.
27:49Yeah, I won't say anything else.
27:51All right.
27:52All right.
27:52Oh, no, it's amyl nitrate.
27:53Have a good night and I hope I'll see you next week.
27:55So, Walt, we have learned Walter, our only fan, is immune to drugs.
27:59Immune to drugs.
28:00Amyl nitrate poppers.
28:02That's an interesting one.
28:03That's an interesting one.
28:04All right.
28:04Do we have another caller on the line?
28:05Caller, welcome to the show.
28:09Caller, you're on.
28:11What's up?
28:11Yeah, what's going on?
28:13Oh, I got a story about drugs.
28:17Okay.
28:17When I was young, I used to be a juvenile delinquent and I had a bunch of OxyContin in my pocket and I had it in a matchbox.
28:30Okay.
28:30And I went to go, like, steal something and I got caught and the policeman threw away the OxyContin.
28:42It was like 20 OxyContin.
28:44He threw it away before I got, like, any serious drug charges.
28:47Did he know it was OxyContin?
28:53He didn't know.
28:54He didn't even look in.
28:55He just thought I had weed because I had, like, a clear plastic bag.
29:00Respirator?
29:00And he's like, what was this for?
29:03And I was like, nothing.
29:05And he thought I was lying.
29:07Okay.
29:08And then he threw away the matchbox because he didn't want me to have drug charges.
29:11Okay.
29:12Now, I guess the question that I would ask in response to that is, what drug are you on right now?
29:24Because you're taking really long pauses.
29:26Oh, sorry.
29:27I was listening on the live feed and I had a very big delay.
29:31Sorry.
29:32Oh, no.
29:32That's okay.
29:33That's okay.
29:34So, that's good.
29:34So, that cop inadvertently, he saved your life.
29:36You probably would have gone to jail if you got caught with 20 OxyContin, right?
29:39Yeah, I was worried about that.
29:41And I had to do, like, you know, hours of community service, but it wasn't anything really serious.
29:46That's okay.
29:47All right.
29:47I'm glad that worked out.
29:48In the meantime, do you want to take a guess as to where the human fish is hiding?
29:52Is it under your seat, maybe?
29:54I wish.
29:55I wish it was under my seat.
29:57That would be so uncomfortable for both of us.
29:58Great guess.
29:59Great call.
30:00Thank you for the call.
30:01Have a good day.
30:01All right.
30:01What's that?
30:02I mean, tweets.
30:03Oh, tweets.
30:06KKC19.
30:06I think human fish is in the box by Winnie the Pooh.
30:10Great guess.
30:11KKC19.
30:12He is in that box.
30:14Having some trouble getting out of the box.
30:17Human fish having a lot of trouble getting out of the box.
30:19KKC19.
30:20Email us.
30:20Zero laughs at gmail.com.
30:22Send us your home address.
30:23We'll send you a prize.
30:24Human fish.
30:25Sorry that we made you do this bit.
30:27Seems like it's not that fun.
30:28How are you doing?
30:30Ambivalent.
30:30Ambivalent.
30:31Let's have the human fish go ahead and hide again.
30:33Let's get a close up.
30:34Human fish, what's on your mind?
30:35Roman Polanski versus the Romans.
30:40Wow.
30:40That's one of the...
30:41Roman Polanski versus the Romans.
30:44Who wins?
30:45The Romans.
30:46The Romans.
30:47Yeah, that makes sense.
30:48I'll follow us now.
30:49Yeah, I guess they're an army.
30:50There's an audience member.
30:52Okay.
30:52That says when they were six years old, they tripped on acid.
30:55Who's this?
30:57This is the middleman right here.
30:57You're willing to come on camera and talk about it?
30:59I certainly am.
31:00Wow.
31:01Please, come on up.
31:01Come on up.
31:02Come on up with a story like that.
31:07So, I don't know.
31:09If you want to offer up your name, you're welcome to.
31:10If you want to remain anonymous, that's Ken.
31:13Yes.
31:13Thank you for being here.
31:14So, you tripped on acid when you were six.
31:15Well, I suspect, okay?
31:18I'm a little older than you all here.
31:21It's the 60s.
31:22I'm six years old.
31:23My parents don't want to take us to the park, but we go to the park because they didn't want
31:28to take us because they were actual flower children.
31:30And this is the classical flower children.
31:33Of course, as soon as we get to the park, I run away from my parents.
31:36I go to the flower children, flowers and colors and music and blah, blah, blah.
31:43And at some point, it was very happy.
31:46And I went over to the lake and there was like a goldfish 10 feet long in the lake.
31:53It was so amazing.
31:55Is this the plot to big fish?
31:59Kind of.
32:00And years back, looking at it, spending a couple of hours with the flower children and
32:06then seeing a very large goldfish.
32:08Did they feed you or give you a drink or anything?
32:10Yes.
32:11So some hippies dosed a child.
32:13I think they may have dosed a child.
32:15Wow.
32:16And I had a really great time.
32:19That's good.
32:20Now, I know people say acid is a very heavy-duty drug and a lot can go wrong.
32:23Do you think it had any long-term effects on your life?
32:26I have to wonder.
32:27Oh, wow.
32:29Well, Ken, thank you for the story.
32:30You're right.
32:31Amazing.
32:33I like that.
32:34A guy just coming out.
32:36I've never done acid.
32:37You've never done acid.
32:38I haven't either.
32:39I would never test that stuff.
32:40Ladies and gentlemen, doing a walk-on out of nowhere.
32:43Phil Jackson, our old friend.
32:46By far the largest panel of people we've ever had at the show.
32:49Phil, how are you tonight?
32:51I'm doing well, Chris.
32:52Hey, man.
32:52I was having lunch today.
32:54Okay.
32:55And I had a wave of inspiration.
32:57I thought I was reading the description for the show.
32:59Okay.
33:00You know, I recently started writing poetry.
33:01You did.
33:01You've performed poetry on our show before.
33:03So I wrote a poem for the show if you guys would like to hear it.
33:07All right.
33:08Phil Jackson.
33:10You got to speak up.
33:11You got to speak up maybe towards that.
33:12I got to speak up.
33:13That's our only mic, yeah.
33:13Okay, I'll project.
33:14I'll project.
33:14We've got a mic up there.
33:16Should I get up here?
33:17Whatever works.
33:18What should we do?
33:18JD, up on stage?
33:20Get on stage.
33:20Okay, ladies and gentlemen.
33:22Don't move, rabbit.
33:23Don't move, rabbit.
33:24An unexpected poem.
33:26All right.
33:27This is called Confessions of an Addict.
33:34Apples.
33:36I eat those.
33:38Robes.
33:39I wear those.
33:40Four-leafed cloves.
33:42I find those.
33:43Oh, what's that?
33:44Cocaine on my nose.
33:47Red velvet cakes.
33:48I bake those.
33:50Mango fruit smoothies.
33:51I make those.
33:53Maracas.
33:54I shake those.
33:55Leaves.
33:55I rake those.
33:56Twins.
33:57I mistake those.
33:58Denses.
33:59I break those.
34:00Frosted.
34:01I flake those.
34:02Orgasms.
34:02I fake those.
34:05Oh, what's that in my pocket?
34:07Oh, whoops.
34:08That's just my blow.
34:11Intramural sports.
34:12I ref those.
34:13Sheet music.
34:14I triple clef those.
34:16Underwater swims.
34:17I hold my breath.
34:18Those.
34:20Oh, wait.
34:20I'm sorry.
34:20That's not crystal.
34:22That's crystal meth, bro.
34:25Birthdays.
34:26I celebrate those.
34:27Haters.
34:28I exonerate those.
34:29Holidays.
34:30I commemorate those.
34:31But it's not Merry Christmas.
34:33It's marijuana.
34:34Yo.
34:37Planes.
34:38I fly those.
34:39Potatoes.
34:39I fry those.
34:40Tears.
34:41I cry those.
34:42Allegations.
34:43I deny those.
34:44Stallones.
34:44I sly those.
34:45Bread.
34:46I rye those.
34:47Questions.
34:48I why those.
34:49Snowcat mountains.
34:50I ski.
34:50I mean sky those.
34:52Food samples.
34:53I try those.
34:56Wet clothes.
34:57I dry those.
34:58T-shirts.
34:59I tie-dye those.
35:00Magic tricks.
35:01I tie-dye those.
35:02Jokes.
35:03I ha-ha those.
35:04Karate.
35:04I ha-ya those.
35:06Oh, wait.
35:07I'm sorry.
35:07That's not wine.
35:08That's heroin, bro.
35:12So pour slow.
35:14I thought you should know.
35:17I'm an addict.
35:18That's why my veins are like vines, bro.
35:21And these drugs and vices are like watering devices for my roots so I grow.
35:27I am afflicted.
35:28I say I don't do it.
35:35So I'm contradicted.
35:36And he's out.
35:47Phil Jackson is gone.
35:49Phil Jackson showed up with no warning.
35:52He's got it.
35:53He's literally walking out of the studio.
35:57He knows.
35:58Oh, he's like walked up to the field.
36:00He is an addict.
36:00That was amazing.
36:01Phil, thank you.
36:02Phil, a.k.a. chill Phil, a.k.a. ill Phil.
36:06In the meantime, Rachel Waters got it right.
36:08The human fish is in front of the blue wall behind the block thing.
36:11He's pretty close to where he is.
36:13Also looks like the human fish.
36:14No longer into actually hiding.
36:17Sitting in a chair vaguely close.
36:19Rachel, you've won a prize.
36:20Send us your address.
36:22Also, the guy who was doing those pauses tweeted that he apologizes, which makes me feel bad.
36:26He was on a respirator.
36:27Yeah, something was up.
36:28Something was up.
36:30But, Rachel, you've won.
36:31So, send zero laughs at gmail.com.
36:33Send us your address.
36:34We'll send you a prize in the mail.
36:35If you get another caller in caller, welcome to the Gethardt Show.
36:38You're on the line.
36:39How can we help you?
36:40Hey.
36:41Who's this?
36:42This is Sam from Texas.
36:44Hi, Sam.
36:45So, what's your story?
36:48Okay, this isn't so much a story as the one thing I remember from the highest I've ever been.
36:54Okay, the highest you've ever been.
36:56Yes.
36:57One time, I've done anything hallucinogenic, and it was DMT, which I didn't know what it was until after I had already taken it.
37:05So, that was already a fun way of going into it.
37:09But, the one thing that I remember is my roommate at the time.
37:13Yes, Sam.
37:14Can we ask what that is?
37:15Some of us don't know what that is.
37:16I don't even honestly know.
37:20What are the letters you're saying?
37:22Yeah.
37:22Okay, all right.
37:23So, what happened?
37:26All I know is that it made us really sick, and then we were hallucinating for a while, but it lasted, like, a really long time.
37:31Like, it was about, like, maybe 10 or 12 hours before we felt not, like, drowsy and kind of gross.
37:37So, it wasn't really that fun.
37:40But the one, like, clear thing that I remember is my roommate at the time, who, incidentally, was Joe Mandy, but not because I'm cool, only because we both were subletting from the internet.
37:50Okay, so our friend who's been on the show, Joe Mandy, was present for you, hallucinating wildly.
37:56Yes, he was there for probably what could have possibly been the most embarrassing thing ever, but I don't remember, luckily.
38:02But he had, like, this sidewalk chalk, and we lived in kind of a nice neighborhood.
38:07We were out, like, on our soup, and he had the sidewalk chalk, and he threw this immense fetus on the sidewalk with this huge trailing umbilical cord and an arrow that said food from mom pointing at our steps.
38:19And just, like, watching people walk by and be, like, what the fuck, seeing these two people, like, obviously high out of their minds, sitting there watching this guy, like, slowly draw that on the sidewalk, it was great.
38:31So, you got real fucked up with Joe Mandy and you fetuses all over the earth.
38:36That's a good story.
38:37Some real nirvana stuff, I think.
38:39I had a similar experience.
38:40Really?
38:41Yeah.
38:42Well, it had to do with sidewalk chalk.
38:44No.
38:46Not your sidewalk chalk, Gene.
38:48Gene, you've been walking all over this city the past week, writing www.thechrisgetherdshow in sidewalk chalk, which is nice that you're promoting the show, but that's my name, Gene.
38:59Hundreds of places all over the city.
39:02Yeah, so they can come watch the show.
39:04That's totally great.
39:04You're doing your part.
39:05It's good.
39:06Shouldn't get mad.
39:07I just show up at places.
39:08Yeah.
39:08I see my name written on the ground.
39:10It's your dream, I think.
39:11Very odd.
39:12Yeah, I mean, I do really secretly love it.
39:14Sam, are you still on the line?
39:17No, Sam's gone.
39:18I wanted to see if anyone can guess where the human fish is.
39:23Let's see if our next caller, you're on the air.
39:25Welcome to the show.
39:27Hi, this is Alyssa.
39:29Hey, Alyssa.
39:29How's it going?
39:30Checking in with Alyssa.
39:33Checking in with Alyssa.
39:35Alyssa, what's up?
39:36All right, Alyssa, you're our fan.
39:37You're 16.
39:38You're a comedy nerd.
39:39You always check in with us.
39:40How's things going?
39:41What did you want to talk about before you even get into it?
39:43Shannon, do not say anything inappropriate to Alyssa.
39:47I want to hear Alyssa's drug stories.
39:49Okay.
39:50Alyssa, what did you want to talk about tonight?
39:53Um, I'm, I'm, I'm, this is really stupid.
39:58Um, I'm excited because I'm going to be in New York this weekend.
40:02Okay.
40:03And I'm, what?
40:06Yeah, no, that's awesome.
40:08Oh, um, and I don't, I don't know.
40:14Do you know, do you need somewhere to stay, Alyssa?
40:18You're not staying with Shannon, no, no, no.
40:20Shannon.
40:21Alyssa, I'm having a birthday party.
40:24You want to come?
40:27Sure.
40:28Oh, God.
40:29We're just going to ruin this girl's life.
40:30My birthday party is going from homeless guy to homeless guy.
40:33Shannon.
40:34Shannon.
40:35Shannon.
40:36It's an asshole crawl.
40:37It is not an asshole crawl.
40:39Shannon.
40:40A birthday asshole crawl.
40:40Oh, my God.
40:42Homeless man to homeless man.
40:44Suck their assholes.
40:47An asshole crawl.
40:49Embrace it and be comfortable with it because a lot of people are doing it now.
40:52We get t-shirts listing all the assholes we want to on the back.
40:55I'm sorry.
40:56We're talking about ring guys.
40:58Hoboken's got the most assholes per square mile.
41:00Yeah.
41:01We start at Bryant Park.
41:04We end at ground zero.
41:16Alyssa, I'm so sorry that I ever even asked you to call because it's, I love you and what
41:21you tell us about your life, but the things you have to put up with from Shannon O'Neill.
41:27I, I, I really.
41:28Natalie wants to be me.
41:29Okay, a lot, great.
41:31That's great.
41:31Shannon, your mouth's probably going to be brown after the entire ass.
41:34That's true, right?
41:35That's the point, man.
41:36Get in the place.
41:37Probably not, you'll get top show.
41:39Rainy days, fell your tantrum.
41:41I can't hear you.
41:43Really, better mind your manners or I'll pass you off to somebody else.
41:47But I don't like it
42:14k
42:15Time to yack the television, buzzin', swimmin' through the couch, zonin' out, in a nothingness,
42:21need some conversation, call you up, pop the door and let you in, make yourself comfortable,
42:27let me take your coat, sittin' sexy with your legs crossed, dressed well, translatin' body
42:33language, toast, tackin' sweaty palms, I see you change, she said, I like the beard, and
42:39my, oh, your eyes look so full of life and clear, enticed by your fragrance, your perfume
42:45is new, no, same as it ever was, nice try though, well let me see, so you cheated on
42:51me, we're not exclusively together, kill the noise, and the 21 questions, and yes, I had
42:57some fun explorin', yes, I still adore you, me and more, but you're temporary, told you
43:02from the get-go, calm it down, besides, the only difference between takin' poison and
43:08medicine and zim Lebanon is slow down, take it easy and killin' it slow down, take it easy,
43:19Take it easy, killin' it, slow down.
43:22Take it easy, my mind's been slow down.
43:27Slow down, take it easy, killin' it, slow down.
43:32Take it easy, killin' it, slow down.
43:35Take it easy, killin' it.
43:38Ladies and gentlemen, roll us one.
43:42Oh, thank you sir, have you ever had a robot Winnie the Pooh and a rabbit dancing at one
43:52of your shows before?
43:53Never, ever.
43:54I hope, look at that, these guys all are from Staten Island too.
43:58The best thing about the robot and Winnie the Pooh and rabbit is they're from Staten Island,
44:01that's the best.
44:03Robust One, killing it, thank you for being here tonight.
44:09Make sure you check them out, robustone.bandcamp.com.
44:13Music is available.
44:14So we got a few minutes left, can we take another call or two?
44:16Also it looks like we had Caroline E. Anderson, supporter of the show, Human Fish is behind
44:21the LLC.
44:22Do I get a prize?
44:23You do get a prize.
44:24Email your home address to zerolafs at gmail.com.
44:28You do get a prize, Caroline, one of the biggest supporters of the show out there on the internet.
44:32Very happy to have you.
44:33Let's go ahead and take a couple more calls before we end the night.
44:36Caller, welcome to the show, you're on the air, how can we help you tonight?
44:38Oh fuck.
44:39I knew where the whole human fish was.
44:40Oh shit.
44:41You guys...
44:42That's a box.
44:44Thank you all the stuff.
44:45Thank you all the stuff.
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