- 2 days ago
The team head to Africa to test whether modern off-road family cars can survive the rough terrain of rural Namibia. Jeremy drives a Volvo XC90, Hammond chooses a Subaru Forester, and May opts for a Volkswagen Touareg. Back home, Jeremy also reviews the Fiat Panda TwinAir, while comedian Louis CK joins as the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car.
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Follow our channel for more car crazed mayhem. Alot more episodes to come that you don't want to miss. Like our videos and share with other car lovers!!
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MotorTranscript
00:00Tonight, I use a machine, James writes on a blackboard, and Richard lobs fruit into a caravan.
00:30Now, in the not very olden days, Jaguar had a worldwide reputation for, I was going to say quality, not quality, but quietness, comfort, restrained good looks and value.
00:52Now though, they've introduced a new car, which seems to be only about one thing, speed.
01:00120, 130, 140, into fifth, 150, 160, 170.
01:14In a Jag! Come on!
01:18Apparently, with a long enough runway, it will hit 186.
01:24Woah! This isn't long enough.
01:28Help! Help!
01:35So, welcome everyone to the new XKR-S, the most powerful road car Jaguar has ever made.
01:43The supercharged V8 has been recalibrated and the exhausts beefed up, so that now it fires 542 horsepower at the rear wheels.
01:57That's on the edge of Ferrari territory.
02:01As a result, it feels and sounds as though it's being fueled by a blend of plutonium and wild animals.
02:11It is very fast.
02:15Very, very loud.
02:20And then in the corners, it will get its tail out more readily than George Michael.
02:30There he goes.
02:31A whiff of throttle.
02:32Lot of smoke.
02:33It's mad!
02:34A mad car!
02:35It's like Terry Thomas with a submachine gun.
02:37To make sure deaf people don't mistake the S for an ordinary XKR, the body has bigger sills, a bigger rear spoiler and snowshoes on the bonnet.
02:52It's also got this new downturn nose, which makes it look rather disapproving, like a 1950s seaside landlady.
03:13And I'm sorry, but red brake callipers on a Jag.
03:18It's like fitting Camilla Parker bowls with a vajazzle and rings.
03:24I'm saying this out loud, aren't I?
03:29Inside, we find leather designed to look like carbon fibre and blue ambient lighting.
03:36The walnut from Jags of yesteryear, gone.
03:40The Gentleman's Club has been turned into Grant Bovey's gym.
03:44There are other issues, too.
03:47The ride is a bit harsh.
03:50Run over a pheasant, you'd be able to tell whether it was a cock or a hen.
03:55And then there's the price.
03:57It's not what you'd call cheap.
03:58In fact, it is what you'd call £97,000.
04:02And that is what you'd call nearly £100,000.
04:10So, Jag has sacrificed subtlety, good looks, comfort, silence and value.
04:15All its core values.
04:16In the pursuit of speed.
04:18But if all you're interested in is speed, I wonder, would you be better off with the Nissan GT-R?
04:36This is the new model.
04:37More powerful, more aerodynamic and unbelievably even more grippy.
04:46We're told it's a masterclass in what's technically possible right now.
04:55Built in a hermetically sealed factory, it is the last word in precision engineering.
05:02Every single piece.
05:04The brakes.
05:05All four wheels.
05:07The 3.8-litre twin-turbo engine.
05:10The steering.
05:11The new double-clutch gearbox.
05:13They're all electronically linked to sing the song of speed in perfect harmony.
05:21Let me give you just one example.
05:24The tyres on this car are filled with nitrogen because ordinary air is considered to be too unstable.
05:31It expands and it contracts too much.
05:34And I know what they mean.
05:35Air drives me mad.
05:37It's too big or it's too little.
05:40Air!
05:45But can this OCD special really be faster than the bonkers Jag?
05:55The Jag has 20 more horsepower and 50 more torques.
05:58I mean, I know this is lighter and it has launch control, which is what I'm engaging now.
06:04But on paper, this cannot win.
06:083, 2, 1!
06:13Oh my god!
06:20That was 0-60 in 3 seconds.
06:27The Jag is just a speck!
06:29It's funny.
06:32The Jag is surprisingly fast because it's a Jag.
06:36This is surprisingly fast because it is surprisingly fast.
06:42That was not a win.
06:47That was a demolition.
06:48I don't think I've ever been in a car that has launched itself quite like that.
06:57And don't think the Jag can get away in the corners either.
07:00Here it is now coming through the follow-through as fast as it can.
07:05That's 84.8 miles an hour.
07:12And here's the Nissan.
07:14Same corner, same conditions, same driver.
07:21That's 93.3 miles an hour.
07:24So it's 8.5 miles an hour faster.
07:28And that explains why at the Nürburgring, where there are 147 corners, the Jag takes 9 minutes to do a lap.
07:36While the Nissan can get round in 7 minutes and 24 seconds.
07:40That's faster than almost anything else with a tax disc.
07:45This is an incredible car.
07:47The new gearbox is spectacularly good.
07:51The engine, it's not an engine, it's just a bomb.
07:54The turn is crisp and fantastic.
07:58And if you have the chassis and the gearbox and the traction control set in race mode, which they are now,
08:04the grip is just mind-boggling.
08:08As I shall now demonstrate graphically with my face.
08:17Look, it's tearing my voice off.
08:22Bloody hell.
08:25All I've got is the PlayStation G reading telling me how much damage this car is doing to my internal organs.
08:34My children are off to this now. Don't worry. Your dad's not having a stroke.
08:44She's driving a Nissan.
08:45And yet, despite everything, this car produces fewer carbon dioxide than the Jag.
08:57It has seats in the back you can actually use. A bigger boot.
09:03And at £69,000, it's nearly £30,000 cheaper.
09:07So the conclusion is easy.
09:11Why buy a brogue that's been converted into a training shoe?
09:16When for much less, you could have something that was designed to be a training shoe in the first place.
09:21In the first place.
09:31Wow.
09:32Astonishing.
09:34It is outstanding.
09:36What the GTR is, it is an instrument of speed.
09:41Yes. An instrument.
09:42I like it. I like it.
09:44But what about the Jag? Not so good.
09:46Well, I don't understand what Jaguar were thinking of.
09:49Because they must have looked at Aston Martin and thought,
09:52right, they make a range of, well, nothing but a range of hardcore front-engine GT cars,
09:57so we'll do exactly the same.
09:59But you know what the problem is, don't you?
10:01Jaguar now have a permanent testing facility at the Nürburgring.
10:05Where they should have a permanent testing facility is between the two mini roundabouts in Chipping Norton, where I live,
10:14because that is the bumpiest stretch of road in the known universe.
10:18And it's been dug up again by that, what's that construction company called that you can't pronounce?
10:22Chlamydia. They're not chlamydia.
10:24Clockkweed, Clancy, whatever it's called.
10:27So it's not just being tolerable in a car like that.
10:30So hang on, let me just get this straight.
10:31You're saying that Jaguar should tailor their cars to the Chipping Norton set?
10:36Yes.
10:37Well, what's the point of that? Aren't they all going to be in prison next week?
10:42Thank you, James. Nice to know that my friends can count on you for your support.
10:47Now, though, it is time to find how fast the Nissan goes around our track,
10:51and that, of course, means handing it over to our tame racing driver.
10:55Some say that he wants hacked into his own helmet.
11:01And that he thinks Harper 7 is a convicted terrorist cell.
11:07All we know is, he's called the Stig.
11:11And he's off, tiny chirp from the back tires.
11:14Then a crisp, smooth slingshot up to the first corner like a precise Japanese missile.
11:20Turns in, predictably tidy all the way through, and still tidy on the way out.
11:26Stig enjoying Rock the Casbah in Algerian there.
11:36Wow. Right, another laser-guided line through Chicago.
11:40Hammerhead, the one place where the Nissan's four-wheel drive might bring understeer.
11:44Not a chance. Tiny drift toward the exit, then through.
11:50Cleaner than James' tool bench.
11:55Just kisses 7,000 RPM, then up a gear. Fires it into the follow-through.
12:01Ballistic through the tires. Two corners left.
12:04Here we go. Getting a bit squirrelly and wiggly in there.
12:09Back under control now for Gambon.
12:12And drift it through, and across the line.
12:15Okay, now earlier on.
12:19Thank you, earlier on in the day.
12:22He went around in the Jag, and he recorded a time of 1.23.3.
12:25So it goes there, and that's not bad. Look, it's faster than the DBS.
12:30In fact, it's faster than any other Aston.
12:33However, in the GT-R, well, he did it in, not 1.23.3.
12:38Okay, a little bit higher than that.
12:40A little bit higher than an R8 V10, or a 599, or a 599 GTO.
12:45It's past the old GT-R. Still higher, past the end zone.
12:51Higher. Higher. Higher.
12:57There.
12:59Unbelievable.
13:011.17.8.
13:05So that's, that's as fast as it's on the air, so it's cast four times as much.
13:09Oh, yes.
13:11And it's faster than a GTO, corralled by a big margin, which is four times as much.
13:16Anyway, we must now do the news.
13:19Well, actually, before we get into the news properly, can I just say that, sticking with the Nissan,
13:23it's very difficult to get a four-wheel-drive turbocharged car like that off the line quickly,
13:28except that the Nissan has a thing called launch control.
13:30It's basically just a computer that sorts everything out for you, so you plant your foot, wham,
13:34you're off, you get a perfect start every time.
13:36Yes, there is just one problem with launch control.
13:39It is the stupidest thing ever fitted to a car.
13:43Why?
13:44No, seriously, because if you think about it, what you have to do to engage it, right,
13:48a series of switches, and then you put your left foot on the brake,
13:51plant your right foot hard down on the accelerator, yeah?
13:54And when the lights go green, you take your foot off the brake, and it goes.
13:57The computer sorts it out, as you say.
13:59So, okay, you're at the lights.
14:03And everybody's looking, going, what an unintelligent man.
14:06It does make a bit of a steam.
14:07It does really.
14:08You know what, the most uncivilized thing you can do with a car,
14:12is use launch control at a zebra crossing.
14:17Come on, old lady, hurry him up.
14:21Can I just say one other thing as well, about launch control,
14:24only one of us has it fitted to our car.
14:27Yeah, it's true.
14:28Is it?
14:29Is it?
14:30Is it?
14:31It's him.
14:32No, it's him.
14:33James May has launch control.
14:35Yeah, I don't use it.
14:36Really?
14:37No, you don't say.
14:38Are you sure?
14:39Every time you leave the pie shop, thanks for the pies, I'm off.
14:42Can anybody think of a device fitted to modern cars that's more stupid than launch control?
14:48You're fitted to quite a lot, mate.
14:51No, has anybody got any idea?
14:52What, like a gizmo?
14:53Gizmo fit?
14:54What?
14:55Cupboard.
14:56No, cupboard.
14:57No, they're actually, they're essential.
14:58They're very used for, you stupid idiots.
15:01Well, Paul, there's some brilliant things for if you need a drink and they'll fall out.
15:04Yeah.
15:05I have actually a really good one.
15:07It's Mercedes and BMW now fit a night vision camera, okay?
15:10So you can drive along at night and the dashboard has got this screen showing you what's on the road ahead.
15:15So I was driving up a country lane the other day, single track, okay?
15:18Doing about 60 miles an hour, which is legal.
15:20Middle of the night, I thought, God, I'm going to try and drive just using the night vision camera.
15:25I'm not surprised.
15:26Turn the lights off, yeah?
15:28Look down to see where I was going and there's just a message saying,
15:30Night vision not available when lights off.
15:32I can hear all the bushes on.
15:35Forgive me.
15:36That's night vision that only works in the day.
15:39With the lights on, yeah.
15:40Even for snipers, would it?
15:41Stand still, I'll just, bink, lights on, now I can mine up.
15:45Now, last weekend, James brought you news of a new Range Rover called the Evoque.
15:48Well, this week, there's more new Range Rover news.
15:51There's a new sport.
15:53Now, what's interesting about this is it has voice control, okay?
15:58With what Land Rover call a say what you see function.
16:03Now, in order to get the car to do things, okay, it brings up words on the screen and then you repeat them.
16:11What's the point of that?
16:12Does it have a picture of the object next to it?
16:14Apple.
16:15Apple.
16:16I got it.
16:17What was that?
16:18You could have enormous fun with foreign markets.
16:20Like in Germany, you could bring up a picture of a squirrel.
16:23Why?
16:24No, because, if you think about it, all Germans, no matter how well they speak English, can't say squirrel.
16:29Right, what's this?
16:30Oh, that would be a squirrel.
16:33Are there any Glaswegians here?
16:36Me.
16:37Really?
16:38Come here.
16:39Where are you?
16:40Come, come, come, come.
16:41Come on, I want to just test it.
16:42Just talk something.
16:43You're actually from Glasgow?
16:44Yes.
16:45All right, can you say burglar alarm?
16:47Burglar alarm.
16:48No!
16:49Burglar alarm.
16:50Burglar alarm.
16:51Burglar alarm.
16:52Burglar alarm.
16:53Burglar alarm.
16:54Burglar alarm.
16:56I want some burglar alarm to get off of it.
17:00Anyway, there you go.
17:01A couple of other things about it.
17:02It's got an 825 watt stereo in it.
17:06What?
17:07That's more than motorhead.
17:08A lot more.
17:0917 speakers.
17:10And I'm sorry, but that front end is hideous.
17:12I don't know why they don't have just done with that car and just call it the Wilmslow.
17:14The day is coming when they fit that with fake pillars on either side of the door.
17:19I'm warning.
17:20Now, there is a new version of the Fiat Punto Abarth out, okay?
17:27It's called the SS.
17:28And actually, here it is.
17:29It looks fantastic.
17:30And I have to say, Hammond, this is the car you should have taken on our hot hatchback Test of Monte Carlo recently.
17:35Why?
17:36Because it is actually a hot hatchback.
17:38Anyway, it's a normal Punto Abarth which you buy for £17,000.
17:44And then you buy the SS kit, so different suspension components and a different ECU for the engine, taking it up to 180 horsepower, okay?
17:53Now, they arrive in a box.
17:55They make a big deal of this.
17:56They say all the parts arrive in a high quality wooden crate.
18:00There it is.
18:01Which, apparently, you can keep as a memento.
18:04I'm sorry, but when I buy a new washing machine, I go, I'm going to keep the box it came in as a souvenir of the day when my washing machine arrived.
18:13Why?
18:14I always struggle throwing boxes away.
18:16Why?
18:17Well, because if you take the washing machine out of it and you fit that in your kitchen, and there's the box all crisp and new and empty.
18:22And I can't help but look at it and sort of part of my mind sees the potential.
18:26Because you look at it and you think, wow, that could be like a castle.
18:29Or a...
18:30You've been there!
18:31Or a den.
18:32Or like a car.
18:33I'm the same shoeboxes.
18:34I don't have ever thrown one away ever because you take it and they think, well, I could keep special things in it.
18:39Or put it on its side and you could have like a TV screen.
18:41Or maybe you could, you could use the big box as a spaceship and then the little one as a dashboard for it.
18:47Come on!
18:48Richard, are you alright?
18:51Seriously, because this is a man with, there's no other way of putting this, a helicopter license.
18:57The CIA said I was alright.
18:58I know, the CIA, if they're watching this, they're going to think he's a madman.
19:02It's not a real helicopter, it's just the boxes fridge came in.
19:05Yeah.
19:06I just made the noise.
19:10Thank you, thank you, thank you.
19:11Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
19:12Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
19:13You have a helicopter, have you?
19:14What are you, Morgan?
19:15You just...
19:16You don't live in the house, you just live in boxes that things came in.
19:20Now last week, these two morons spent good money on two second hand V12 coupas.
19:25They spent the same money as you'd spend on the Nissan Pixo, which is the cheapest new car on sale in Britain.
19:31And I was prepared to bet all of my hair that within two weeks one of them would have gone pop so chaps
19:37What's the news my BMW?
19:40100% not a problem. Thank you still working perfect. There you go
19:44There you go excellent and moving on. No your Mercedes here
19:48My Mercedes yes, I bought a Mercedes
19:51600 CL yes, you did it's quite interesting is because I have a photograph here that I'd like to share with everybody of the top gear car
19:58There in fact is is Hammond's BMW working and where's your Mercedes warm and dry now moving on?
20:07Tell the ladies and gentlemen why it isn't in that space
20:13Tell them
20:15One of its ignition coils has gone a bit wonky
20:19Now it's interesting that you should say that because I did some research and I found out that the ignition coil for the Nissan Pixo is
20:26A hundred and thirty eight pounds. Yes, how much is it for the Mercedes?
20:31800
20:32878
20:34Sorry, did that include a fitting no no
20:41Did it include the VAT no no?
20:46So what in fact was the cost of a new ignition coil for your Mercedes?
20:501200
20:511200
20:52Thank you
20:55I keep my hair
20:59That's annoying
21:01Now recent figures have showed that 71% of people across the UK still commute by car
21:07And more people go to work by walking or by bicycle than they do by train
21:12Yeah, and the reason that is very simple train tickets are enormously expensive
21:16And they're enormously expensive because trains are enormously expensive to build
21:20But why are trains expensive to build?
21:22Why is Britain's last train maker recently laid off half its workforce?
21:27Surely there is a solution to this problem. I mean how hard can it be?
21:32This is a Jaguar XJS
21:35It's 22 years old and it cost us four and a half thousand pounds
21:40For that we got the convertible version with the big engine
21:43The 300 horsepower 5.3 litre V12
21:51Really does go like a train this car and that is what got us thinking because
21:57Could it actually be a train?
22:02To find out I took it to Top Gear's secret railway development centre in Leicestershire
22:07Just off the A46 near Thurkasten
22:10Where we queued the music
22:12And set to work
22:21Perfect
22:26Ah
22:27Finally
22:38Our XJ Express
22:40Was ready
22:41So
22:55What we've done is replace the standard wheels with train wheels
22:59And
23:00That's it
23:01Nothing else
23:02The cost savings are phenomenal because
23:04A normal railway locomotive is four million
23:08This was in total
23:10Four thousand seven hundred and fifty pounds
23:12That is an enormous savings
23:14It's not much more than a thousandth of the cost
23:17Exactly
23:17If we were running this from Peterborough to London
23:20I don't know what a season ticket is to do that
23:22But many thousands of pounds a year
23:24Yeah
23:25This would be twenty or thirty pence
23:27It was time for the Jaguar's inaugural run
23:36I don't think you need to turn that
23:37We could have taken this off
23:38Yeah
23:39Ready?
23:40Yes
23:40History is in the making
23:42Drive
23:47We are pulling out of the station
23:48No steering is weird
23:54No steering and everything
24:03This feels fantastic
24:04This is awesome
24:08Sounds like a train
24:10Isn't it that?
24:13Play the horn
24:14We've solved public transport
24:20Literally solved it
24:21Yeah
24:24The only thing that would really perfect the experience
24:27Would be if there were steam
24:29But as it's an old Jaguar
24:31There's a very real chance
24:34But the old Jag ran like clockwork
24:36So we returned to base
24:41You're alright
24:42You're alright
24:43You're alright
24:45To attach our equally brilliant carriages
24:47You're alright
24:48You're alright
24:49You're alright
24:50A modern day railway carriage
24:52Costs in excess of a million pounds
24:55Ours
24:57Didn't cost anything like that much
25:05Now we have made some mechanical modifications
25:07We've stripped out the central wheels
25:09And added one in each corner for extra stability
25:12And we've introduced a class system
25:14Absolutely
25:15Now I have taken the pageant CD
25:17Champagne model no less
25:19And used it to create first class
25:23Inside it was beautifully appointed
25:26Creating an atmosphere that I hoped would resurrect the golden age of train travel
25:31For the discerning first class passenger
25:34Hammond
25:38Hammond meanwhile had been responsible for the buffet car
25:41And second class
25:44Just look at this
25:45Inside
25:46Smart, clean, functional
25:48Functional
25:48Everything the modern rail traveller wants
25:50And demands
25:52And at the back
25:53There was Jeremy's creation
25:55This is the economy section
25:58What I've done is
25:59I've fitted benches
26:00And on the floor
26:01Straw
26:02To absorb the diseases
26:04And the blood
26:05Should there be
26:06A riot
26:07And then
26:08For an authentic
26:09Working class feel
26:11At the back
26:12I've fitted
26:13An outside
26:14Carsey
26:15Why have you called it scum class
26:17Good name
26:18It's a bit blunt
26:19Honestly think about it
26:20This way it's an incentive
26:21You're not going to walk into the ticket office
26:23And go
26:24Hello, can I have three scum class tickets
26:26You're going to say
26:27I'll spend a little bit more
26:28So I don't have to say that
26:29You'll say I'll have second class
26:30We make more profit
26:31We make more money
26:32Exactly
26:34With the carriages hooked up to the Jag
26:36We prepared ourselves for the maiden voyage
26:39Of the world's cheapest train
26:42Engaging drive
26:43Engage forward
26:44Or a train
26:53Not moving
26:54Be gentle with it
26:57Gently
26:58Well that's not working is it?
27:00Since we're doing 80 miles an hour then
27:02Right look
27:03Get out and give us a push
27:04How's he going to push it?
27:05Just get it started
27:06Before you start
27:07When did you ever see
27:08When did you ever see
27:09When did you ever see
27:10Why won't it go?
27:13300 horsepower
27:18It's working!
27:19Why isn't it working?
27:20It doesn't work!
27:21Because it's just spinning all its power away and not going anywhere
27:24Why?
27:25Well one you're driving it like an ove
27:27I've done gentle
27:28I just said
27:29You didn't do gentle
27:30You just planted your foot on it and went power as normally
27:32Secondly
27:33I'm sorry to say this
27:34But you brought the wrong car
27:35You did
27:36You did
27:37It's a rear wheel drive roadster
27:39What do you want?
27:40Do you want front wheel drive?
27:41Possibly
27:42Four wheel drive is where it wants to be
27:43It's not the train
27:44It's not the car
27:45We've got too many
27:46Carriages are too heavy
27:47Of course it's got carriages on it you muppet
27:49It's a train
27:50It's not too many
27:51That's the bare minimum
27:52We've got first class, second class
27:54Real trains
27:55Buffet
27:56No less
27:57Well it's too heavy
27:58Well we need a different
27:59That's how much it weighs
28:00You can't
28:01We need a different locomotive
28:03We do
28:04What about
28:10A sports train
28:11A what?
28:12A sports train
28:13One carriage and a car
28:14It's a sports train
28:15Well that defeats the point of it being a train
28:17Doesn't it?
28:18One carriage
28:19No you've got
28:20Listen you've got sports cars
28:21Sports planes
28:22Sports boats
28:23Yeah but
28:24Sports jackets
28:25You've got loads of those
28:26People pay more for sports experience
28:27If it's got one carriage
28:29It's not a train
28:30No
28:31Train GTI
28:32And you can sell tickets for millions of pounds
28:35Because everybody will want to go in a sports train
28:37Yes but all the trains are on the same line
28:39So you may as well just get a bigger better locomotive
28:40And put them all together
28:41That's why it's called
28:42That's a train
28:43A train
28:44I'm not changing the car
28:45Well we're doing a proper train train
28:47Well you haven't got a car
28:49Well we'll get one
28:50Well we'll get one
28:51Uncouple me
28:52Oh gladly
28:53Uncouple me
28:54Off you go
28:55Jeremy departed
28:56Leaving us with the task of finding a new locomotive
28:59We don't do it
29:00Oh yeah that's great
29:02Oh yeah that's great
29:07We should pick that up later on
29:11No we will not
29:12Because what is wrong with my idea for a sports train
29:15It's stupid you're an idiot
29:17Are you suggesting therefore
29:19That Isambard Kingdom Brunel
29:21The greatest engineer who ever lived
29:23Was an idiot
29:24No
29:25Because Brunel did not suggest making a sports train
29:28Well that's where you'll run
29:30Because I have a photograph here of an engine designed to go on Brunel's Great Western Railway
29:35And look at that
29:37What?
29:38What way is that?
29:39Sporty
29:40Let me explain
29:41We think today of a 20 inch rim as being very sporty
29:45Look at that
29:46That is a 96 inch rim
29:49And look at this
29:51That is a fat exhaust
29:53And you'll notice
29:55One carriage
29:56This is a max power train
29:59Right here
30:00Anyway
30:01Look putting aside Jeremy's ideas of
30:03Pimp my stovepipe hat
30:05Hamlin and I think we might be onto something with our train
30:08So we will in fact pick that up later
30:10We will
30:11But now it is time to put a star
30:13In our reasonably priced car
30:14And my guest tonight is quite simply
30:16Rowan Atkinson
30:17Rowan Atkinson
30:21So Rowan, obviously not the 9 o'clock news
30:41Mr. Bean you are
30:43Blackadder
30:44Yes
30:45But may we begin by talking
30:46If you don't mind
30:47About the Honda NSX
30:48You are a fan
30:50I believe
30:51Of the Honda
30:52I have owned one
30:53Yes
30:54And why
30:55Did you find that?
30:56Well I liked it sort of
30:57Modesty
30:58I liked it sort of
30:59Understatedness
31:00I liked the fact that it was a very good
31:01It was a very good car
31:02And yet it didn't shout itself
31:04And it was sort of image free
31:05I think that's what I liked about it
31:07This is nice
31:08I like talking to a man about a car
31:09Yeah
31:10It's the only thing I can really talk about
31:11Yes
31:12Which is why we look forward for so many years to have you on
31:15And of course
31:16The McLaren F1
31:17Yes
31:18Was another one of your
31:19Which I still got
31:20You still have it
31:21Now that is more interesting
31:22Because I don't like that
31:23Yes
31:24I know
31:25I know you've never been wild about it
31:26But it's
31:27I don't know you could live with it
31:28I mean I've lived with it for 14 years
31:30And I've done a lot of miles in it
31:32I try
31:33I've done 37,000 miles
31:35In a McLaren?
31:36Which for a McLaren is a lot
31:38And you actually lent yours to us
31:41I seem to recall
31:42Unbelievable
31:43Unbelievable
31:44What sort of curve possessed you to say
31:45Yes Tottenham rung
31:46Couldn't they borrow my most prized possessions?
31:48I know, I know, I know
31:49For some reason I trusted you more than most people trust you Jeremy
31:52It wasn't
31:53It was Richard Hammond as well I believe
31:55Who has a reputation for driving in a straight line with no incidents at all
31:58Alright, yes
32:00You had an Aston Martin the last time we saw you in Johnny English
32:03Yes
32:04Which was a DB7
32:05Yes
32:06A DB7 Vantage
32:07Exactly
32:08That shows how long it was
32:09It was 2002 when we made the first Johnny English
32:11And of course now there is another one
32:13There is a new one
32:14Johnny English Reborn
32:15Reborn
32:16And what I'm embarrassed to say I haven't actually seen it
32:19But there is
32:20There's a very good reason for that
32:21Because we haven't actually finished it
32:23But it's coming
32:26It's in the pipelines
32:27It's out in September
32:28So you'll see it then
32:30Let's talk about the cars in there
32:31I you know
32:32I feel as though the Aston thing has been a bit overdone
32:34It's in the James Bond movies and we used it in the first film
32:37And I just felt like doing something a bit different
32:39And I've become quite a fan of the Phantom
32:41But I wanted to give the car we had
32:43A little USP
32:44You know some unique little thing
32:46Which no other Phantom had
32:49Which was?
32:50Which was an engine
32:52But not any engine
32:55This was an engine
32:57There's an interesting story behind it
32:59Because when BMW bought the rights
33:01To the Rolls-Royce name
33:02In the late 20th century
33:03They had the opportunity
33:04To create the ultimate luxury car
33:06For the 21st century
33:08And they thought
33:09Maybe we ought to give it the ultimate engine
33:11So let's give it something like
33:13A 9 litre V16 engine
33:16And unbelievably
33:18They made 3 or 4 of these engines
33:20And they tested them
33:21And they got them up to speed
33:22And they had unbelievable power and torque figures
33:25And then the last minute
33:27They thought
33:28It might be a bit over the top
33:29But they had developed these engines
33:31And they'd stuck them in the warehouse somewhere
33:32And I knew that they existed
33:34So I got in touch with Rolls-Royce
33:35And said
33:36Would you mind squeezing one of your V16 engines
33:38In the front of our Johnny English Phantom
33:40And very sweetly they agreed to do it
33:42And it worked
33:43It's a real thing
33:44So the car we have over there
33:46Which is from the movie
33:47Yep
33:48And that's got a V16 engine
33:49Yep
33:50A 9 litre V16 engine
33:51That's amazing
33:52That's why it's bonnets up
33:53I thought it had broken down
33:54No, no, no
33:55So it's people
33:56No, Jeremy
33:57It hasn't broken down
33:58No, it is
33:59I am with you
34:00I'm a huge fan of the Phantom
34:01I think it is one of the greatest cars
34:02No, it is
34:03And of course
34:04And of course it fits perfectly
34:05Because the Phantom was designed
34:06For that engine
34:07I'm just a joke about Verma
34:08Just a bit about comedy
34:09We've talked about cars now
34:10Just the comedy stuff
34:11Take Blackadder
34:13Right
34:14When you read that script
34:15And there was somebody there called Bob
34:17Anybody else would read it
34:19No, aren't they called Bob
34:20You decided that Bob could be a funny word
34:22Right
34:23Bob
34:24Now
34:25How do you do that?
34:27Well, it just seemed
34:28Yeah, it was always at the end of the sentence
34:29It was
34:30You know
34:31So how can I help you
34:32Bob
34:33It just seemed like
34:35It just seemed like a funny way of saying it
34:37Bob
34:38Because I was wondering
34:39I was looking at this of motoring words the other day
34:41And wondering if you could just by saying them
34:43Make them funny
34:45Just say the word
34:46Airbag
34:50De Dion Bouton
34:53That's a French word
34:55Petrol pump
35:00Very good
35:01A round of applause for saying petrol pump
35:03I have to say it's also the faces
35:06The faces
35:07Yeah, exactly
35:08That helps
35:09Reviewing a car
35:10Because I have to think of all sorts of things to say about a car
35:12Now I know that if you were a presenter on this show
35:14You could just do it with an expression
35:16Right
35:17So for example, if you were presented with
35:20McLaren F1
35:29Think of another one
35:30The imperiousness one gets from a Range Rover
35:33Ah, right
35:34Okay
35:44It's amazing
35:45It saves so much time
35:49We have so much to learn
35:51So obviously you do love your cars
35:53Yeah, yeah
35:54And now of course you race
35:55You are
35:56Yes
35:57Keen motorist
35:58Occasionally, yeah
35:59Historic racing
36:00So what are you racing now?
36:01To get back on the track
36:02What I have got is a Ford Falcon
36:031964
36:04Ford Falcon
36:05It's a big sort of, you know
36:064.7 litre V8
36:07And very, very light
36:08Isn't that like land yachting?
36:13Yes, exactly
36:14It's got a certain floppiness to it
36:16So obviously
36:17Driving the Kia
36:19You know
36:20One of my worries about coming on the show
36:22Was that I think that people know
36:24That I'm a car enthusiast
36:25And that I have done some racing
36:26And that they will assume
36:27That in the reasonably priced car
36:28I'll be
36:29I'll be very good
36:30When there's absolutely
36:31No guarantee
36:32Of that whatsoever
36:34Because it is a very particular thing
36:35And I'm a slow learner of cars
36:37And all that
36:38But anyway, I was keen to
36:39I was keen to have a go
36:40So I had a go
36:41And who here would like to see Rowan's lap?
36:43Yes!
36:46Let's play the tape
36:47Let's have a look
36:51Ah, a chirp like you were using launch control
36:55Ikki doki
36:57Thank you
36:59You look a bit nervous if I may say
37:00Uh, yeah, I see
37:01Oh, wide line like a Formula One driver through there
37:04Oh, yeah
37:05Oh, yeah
37:06And wide on the way out as well
37:07Looking smooth
37:10Try to be dry
37:18Uppus, uppus, uppus
37:21Yes, now here we are into the hammerhead
37:23Keeping it between the lines
37:24Obviously the slower you appear to be going
37:27And that does appear to be very slow indeed
37:30Sometimes the faster it is
37:32Oh, that doesn't look too bad
37:34But what do you think from inside?
37:36Yes, yes, yes, yes
37:38Onto the rev limiter
37:39Good, good, good
37:41You really weren't pleased with any part of this were you?
37:43No
37:45Obviously flat through there
37:46Oh, yeah
37:47See, not so good
37:48Not so good there
37:50Come on, cheer up
37:51Yeah, that's nicely done
37:52And oh, I see
37:53Keeping it very tight on the runway
37:55That's a new interesting line
37:57Second to last corner
37:58That is beautifully handled
38:00And Gambon
38:02No drama
38:03No histrionics
38:04Across the line
38:10Well
38:13There's the ball
38:14Where do you think you might have come?
38:16Who's at the very top?
38:17The man at the very top is John Bishop
38:19The northern comedian
38:20Followed by Ross Noble
38:21The northern comedian
38:23Yeah
38:24Well, I was born in the north
38:25So maybe
38:26Well, of course you're from the same neck of the woods as Ross Noble as well
38:28Oh, indeed
38:29So you're looking at the top
38:30You have that
38:31Oh, no, no, no
38:32Yeah, exactly
38:33One looks up there
38:34But there's absolutely no reason why I should be there
38:36It would be
38:37I felt as though I did okay but not great
38:39That's my view
38:40Okay, well at the very top it is Bishop on what is he?
38:431.42.8
38:44So Rowan Atkins
38:45You did it
38:47One
38:48Good
38:4940
38:50Excellent
38:51Two
38:52Two
38:53Two
38:54Two
38:55Two
38:56Two
38:57One
38:58Two
38:59One
39:00One
39:01Two
39:02One
39:03One
39:04One
39:05That's the new fastest man in the other hand round after
39:07Ladies and gentlemen, Rowan Atkinson, the fastest man ever
39:11That is actually remarkable because we did genuinely think when Bishop did that time and was so much
39:34faster than Tom Cruise it would never be beaten
39:36No, no, the Tom Cruise thing is fun actually, you know
39:39And what is very interesting is that all your lap times were incredibly consistent as is the mark of a great racing driver
39:45Oh, pish and posh
39:46Turns out
39:47You're in the wrong career
39:49So, I mean a lot of people think that you've already been on this show
39:53Yes
39:54Ladies and gentlemen, he has now, Rowan Atkinson
39:57Thank you very much
39:59Thank you very much
40:00Thank you very much
40:01Thank you very much
40:02Thank you very much
40:03Thank you very much
40:04Well it comes
40:05That's good
40:06Thank you
40:07You can't do it
40:08I will
40:09Thank you very much
40:10Now
40:11Earlier on, we embarked on a project to build a cheap train using an old Jaguar XJs and some caravans
40:19Yeah, and sadly, well it didn't work because Jeremy's driving was rubbish and he bought the wrong car
40:27Then there was a really big argument and he stormed off with the Jags saying he was going to make something called a sports train
40:34Yeah, and that left Hammond and me with all the coaches but nothing to pull them with
40:39After a canter through the classifieds, Hammond and I found our new locomotive
40:48Here's what Hammond and I have bought instead, it's an Audi S8
40:52It has even more power than the Jaguar but more importantly, it has four-wheel drive which is what you need because the rails are slippery
41:01Also, I have feet made of flesh with nerves in them like a human being
41:07Not lumps of lead yoked to an incompetent oath
41:11While I was doing the driving, Hammond would take care of the passengers
41:16Right, in just a few minutes I should be welcoming the passengers onto the train
41:20This is the manifest with their names
41:21But before I do that, let's get the buffet car ready
41:24This has to look good, this really is all passengers
41:28First, second, well just first or second will be able to come in here so I want it to look excellent
41:34Biscuits various, muffins, yeah, it's the carriage of plenty
41:41With the buffet ready, it was time to greet our guests
41:46Who were a group of top officials and inspectors from the railway world
41:53You are Steve Davis
41:56Steve Davis, MBE, Steve Davis MBE
41:58Indeed
41:59And you're a Colonel, hello
42:00How do you do? Nice to see you again
42:02Well, you're in first, which is there
42:04Indeed
42:05Hello, you're Helen
42:06Hello, Ashby
42:07Ashby OBE, hello
42:09Hi
42:10Come on in, please
42:11Thank you
42:12You're in first as well, obviously
42:13And, erm
42:14Sir, are you in one way?
42:15Yes
42:16You're also, yes
42:17In there, in
42:18That'll be absolutely brilliant
42:20In
42:21There you go, you'll be fine
42:22The straw's fresh, don't worry
42:27Everything now depended on giving our passengers the train ride of a lifetime
42:32Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard the 1453 Express from just outside Leicester to near Loughborough
42:41This train is about to depart
42:44Thank you very much for travelling with us
42:45We appreciate that you have a choice of car-based rail companies
42:48James, that's my job
42:50I'm running this bit of the train, you just drive
42:53Ladies and gentlemen, this is your steward speaking whose train this is
42:56We will shortly be departing towards Loughborough
43:02Look at this
43:12It's a train and it works
43:24This is just the best thing I've ever done
43:30Ladies and gentlemen
43:31I'll be through shortly with refreshments
43:35Oh yeah
43:42I don't know if this is coming across in the images you're seeing at home
43:45But the sensation of being in a car but on the railway
43:49Is just the maddest thing I've ever seen out of the window
43:53It's...
43:54It's a railway
43:55Passed to another train parked to the siding
43:56It's just wonderful
43:57More points coming up
44:09The responsible driver slows down a bit
44:11A tiny bit of braking
44:13Refreshments
44:14It doesn't fit
44:15It doesn't fit
44:16Across the little bridge
44:18Across the little bridge
44:19The water is moving
44:20The water is moving
44:21It doesn't fit
44:22While I was sightseeing
44:24Jeremy was finally leaving the station
44:26In his idiotic sports train
44:28In his idiotic sports train
44:29Okay
44:30TGV 12 is up and running
44:31And running
44:32No
44:35It doesn't fit
44:36Oh, and it doesn't fit.
44:44Across the little bridge, the water on the left.
44:48While I was sightseeing, Jeremy was finally leaving the station in his idiotic sports train.
44:57TGV 12 is up and running.
45:00Let me talk you through my passengers.
45:08The man on the left is just a man, but the man on the right, that is the editor of Rail Express magazine, and I need to impress him.
45:18He's going to be reviewing this experience.
45:21Clearly, the best way of impressing him would be to beat Hammond and May to our destination.
45:27Come on, let's build up that speed.
45:30Taking it up now to 40.
45:3845.
45:40A few bugs there smashing into the face of the editor of Railway Express magazine.
45:4955.
45:54Look.
45:56The wind in your hair, the bees in your face.
46:00C-12 power, the editor of Railway Express magazine, basking in the shadow of my magnificence.
46:08Oh, a train.
46:09Oh, my God.
46:10Oh, my God.
46:15Oh, my God.
46:17Meanwhile, further up the line, May had also got his foot down.
46:2925 miles an hour.
46:3025 miles an hour.
46:34But this turn of speed was causing a few problems.
46:37The cruise control works.
46:46Look at that.
46:47I'm now doing nothing.
46:49It wasn't just the vibrations that were bothering the inspectors.
46:59The noise was also an issue.
47:00The noise was also an issue.
47:01The noise was also an issue.
47:02I think it's safe.
47:03I can't hear you.
47:04The noise was going to be safe.
47:06I've heard a discussion before, but how do we communicate in an emergency?
47:12I can't hear you.
47:13Have you been safe?
47:14No.
47:15We've had a discussion before, but how do we communicate in an emergency?
47:20Is there a communication cord to stop the train?
47:25Yes, yes, yes.
47:26What is that?
47:27I'm going to check it actually.
47:28I'm about to ask the driver, Mr May, to slow down a little bit just while we're serving
47:32the train.
47:35James!
47:36What's the matter?
47:37Can you slow down a bit?
47:38Everything's falling off.
47:39Right.
47:40Meanwhile, I'd caught up with the idiots, but I couldn't get past due to a railway network
47:56design fault.
47:57Even here, we're stuck behind caravans.
48:01If I'm honest, though, that wasn't the most immediate problem.
48:05Oh, for God's sake.
48:10Oh, this is really bad.
48:12A member of the working classes is now taking a dump in full view of the editor of Railway
48:18Express magazine.
48:21Oh, whoa, no.
48:22Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
48:24I'm very sorry about this.
48:28I can't just drive along like this forever.
48:30I'm backing off.
48:31I decided to go back in search of some points where I could change tracks.
48:38I do apologize.
48:40I do apologize.
48:43With Jeremy going backwards, James and I decided we had time to stop at the next station.
48:49A tiny bit of braking.
48:50See, this is how you drive the train.
48:51It's about finesse.
48:52James, stop!
48:53James, stop!
48:54James, stop!
48:58James, stop!
49:00James, stop!
49:01I'm company!
49:02Have fun, yes!
49:05James up!
49:06James, we're bloody miles off!
49:10James, we're bloody miles off.
49:12I'm going to back up.
49:18Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd like to stretch your legs
49:20at this intermediate station, then apologies for the overshoot.
49:25That was an overshoot.
49:26Stop doing the f***ing announcements! That's my job!
49:29Ladies and gentlemen, we're just pulling into the station
49:32in case you might want to stretch your legs, perhaps,
49:35or maybe have a walk.
49:37Allow me, please, I'm...
49:40Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
49:50Bloody hell.
49:51You don't have to be wearing a short skirt, do you?
49:58We've just discovered a small design fault with the TGV12,
50:01then going backwards, you have to have the bonnet up
50:03to keep the engine cool, because obviously there's no air
50:05going into the radiator, and I can't see anything out of the back,
50:08so the first I'll know about the derailment
50:11is when we hear death and screaming from the rear carriage.
50:18Back at the station, the inspectors were busy doing some inspecting.
50:22What was the noise decibel level?
50:24180 it peaked at.
50:25It's higher than anything I've ever measured.
50:28Just under 60, so that's not winding off for disabled access.
50:32Good for people with one arm, there's only one arm rest.
50:35The flammability is what worried me, actually.
50:37I think my general consideration is it's not a train with a death trap.
50:41Well, ladies and gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed your brief stopover
50:43at Corn and Woodhouse station.
50:45We will now be departing again for near Loughborough.
50:47Come on!
50:50Meanwhile, I'd found a set of points where I could switch to the other track.
50:57Yes, now this is more of a palaver than on the motorway,
51:00but I am now in the overtaking lane.
51:04Yes, I am.
51:06Let's go and hunt down James May.
51:09We're really moving now!
51:1870 miles an hour!
51:21Yes!
51:24That massive rear spoiler providing the downforce we need.
51:31My passengers are looking thrilled.
51:33And now I would show May that speed is right, speed is good, speed works.
51:43There he is.
51:44James May is about to be splashed
51:47by the mighty wheel-spinning TGV-12.
51:52Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
51:54It's close.
51:55God!
51:56How did he do that?
51:57The sports train is invincible.
51:58Ever since the dawn of the train, it's been mired in this sea of turgid practicality.
52:16Nobody's ever thought, let's make an exciting train.
52:19And here I am, in just such a thing.
52:23On Hammond and May's train, it's just one long, dreary trail of boredom.
52:32Brace! Brace!
52:41Some poo's come out!
52:50Ladies and gentlemen, particularly of first class, with your OBEs and MBEs,
52:56Richard Hammond, your steward, will be passing through shortly with hot heels.
53:01Right.
53:07Oh, wait a minute.
53:09Now, since hunting was banned, one sees the horses frolicking gaily in the fields.
53:13Enjoy!
53:14Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
53:16Forgive me while I just back off and have a bit of a gloat.
53:19If we look over here, we see conditional farming methods.
53:22And I think that pretty much covers the lecture.
53:24I'm just doing a lecture on the countryside.
53:27Nothing to see here.
53:28And that's it.
53:29So now we'll be on our way.
53:30Ha ha!
53:32Ha ha!
53:33Oh, dear!
53:34Bye!
53:36Ha!
53:37People of first class!
53:39Once again, the editor of Railway Express magazine was heading back towards Leicester.
53:45Although this time I had at least found a novel way of seeing where I was going.
53:50Ignore the enormous locomotive behind me.
53:53It's a glitch, really.
53:54Not my fault.
53:57Our train was now certain of beating Jeremy's to near Loughborough.
54:02This is just serene.
54:04However, in the buffet car, things weren't going so well.
54:21Ladies and gentlemen, please brace yourself.
54:23The incompetent steward is about to pour candid coffee if you're cross.
54:27Christ's sake, James, stop making f***ing announcements!
54:31That's my job!
54:32I'm the steward, you drive, I steward!
54:36It's my train and the driver makes the bleeding announcements.
54:39That's the way it is.
54:42I had finally found a passing point and was now back in the chase.
54:48Really sifting now.
54:50Really, really, really moving.
54:52No time to lose.
54:5680 miles an hour.
55:00Ha ha!
55:02Meanwhile.
55:04No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
55:08Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, it's my town, I.
55:15Hello, chaps.
55:16Can I offer you refreshments?
55:19Certainly.
55:20Have you got a coffee, please?
55:21No.
55:22Do you have any chance for a Danish pastry, please?
55:25No.
55:32I would slow it down by one mile an hour.
55:35This isn't the fastest train in the world, I'm sure Jeremy will claim his goes faster,
55:39but ours carries more people.
55:41That's the point of a train.
55:42It's mass transport.
55:44I mean, what Jeremy's built essentially is a business jet,
55:47but that's out of the reach of the vast majority of people.
55:52Any other gate for everyone?
55:53No.
55:54No, no, no.
56:00Oh, dear.
56:02It appears my colleagues have a bit of a problem.
56:07Ha ha!
56:08Ha ha ha!
56:15James!
56:16What?
56:17You have trains on fire.
56:19Is it?
56:20Yes, it is.
56:21Right.
56:24Well, there we are.
56:28Once again, then, it looked like I would be the first to our destination.
56:32We're nearly at the end now.
56:35And what an epic voyage this has been.
56:37Leicester, well, nearly Leicester, to the outskirts of Loughborough.
56:42A distance of nearly eight miles.
56:44And the sports train just about done it.
56:49Easing it down now.
56:52Should imagine there'll be a fanfare.
56:55The mayor of Loughborough is almost certainly going to be here.
56:58See how he isn't.
57:01Nobody is.
57:02Not to worry, though, because the great pioneers are often unappreciated at first.
57:11Throughout this epic voyage, I have referred to this as either the TGB 12 or the sports train.
57:18But I don't think that's right.
57:19I don't think that does it justice.
57:21I think that the editor and the other men will agree that what you are looking at here is the future.
57:27And all we must do now is await the arrival of my less successful colleagues.
57:37No, listen.
57:39Listen, if you ignore the fire and the fact that we didn't get where we wanted to go,
57:43it was incredibly noisy and the fact that all the passengers have run away.
57:47Apart from that it was a resounding success.
57:49Yeah, I think we can only judge it to be a success.
57:51It worked as a train.
57:52We came up with something new and unique and brilliant.
57:54Well, I think as a concept...
57:55It's quite nice.
57:56It's quite nice.
57:57But the fact is...
57:58It's quite nice.
57:59It's quite nice.
58:00But the fact is...
58:01It's quite nice.
58:02It's quite nice.
58:03It's quite nice.
58:07Thank you, thank you, thank you.
58:09Hi there.
58:10Let's just get this straight.
58:12Your train was a total failure.
58:14No, it was not.
58:15Oh, but where is it, then?
58:16Thank you, thank you, thank you.
58:20Hello, hello, hello.
58:22Let's just get this straight.
58:24Your train was a total failure.
58:27No, it was not.
58:28Oh, well, where is it then?
58:29Well, some of it is in the atmosphere.
58:31The rest of it is all over Leicestershire.
58:34Whereas mine is here.
58:35And already, Her Majesty's Government has been on the telephone
58:39asking if they can have the rights to use this
58:42on the proposed West Coast Mainline.
58:45Really?
58:45That one made that up.
58:46Yeah, I'll tell you who has been in search for the editor
58:49of Railway Express magazine.
58:50Excellent.
58:51And he wrote up a short review of his journey on your train.
58:54Do you like to hear it?
58:54He says the following.
58:55There was nothing to eat.
58:57The ride was awful.
58:59The noise was distressing.
59:01He spent most of the day going backwards.
59:04He genuinely feared for his life.
59:07And he ended up covered in excrement.
59:10So it's exactly like a normal train.
59:13And he went much cheaper.
59:16And on that bombshell, it is time to end.
59:19Thank you very much for watching.
59:20Next week, we destroy Kent with a tank.
59:23But for now, good night.
59:24Yeah!
59:25Yay!
59:25Thank you!
59:29Thank you very much.
59:33means for now.
59:39Mm-hmm.
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