- 2 days ago
The hosts take on the world of professional truck driving as they compete in a series of lorry-based tasks. Meanwhile, Jeremy tests the Lamborghini Aventador Roadster and pits it against the Mercedes-Benz AMG GT Black Series. Actor Benedict Cumberbatch stars in the Reasonably Priced Car.
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Top Gear Season 21, Top Gear S21E03, Top Gear lorry challenge, HGV challenge, Lamborghini Aventador Roadster, Mercedes AMG test, Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, James May, Benedict Cumberbatch Top Gear, The Stig
Follow our channel for more car crazed mayhem. Alot more episodes to come that you don't want to miss. Like our videos and share with other car lovers!!
Thank you for supporting our channel
Top Gear Season 21, Top Gear S21E03, Top Gear lorry challenge, HGV challenge, Lamborghini Aventador Roadster, Mercedes AMG test, Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, James May, Benedict Cumberbatch Top Gear, The Stig
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MotorTranscript
00:00:00Tonight, I eat a cabbage, James throws a bird out of a car, and Richard forgets the abbreviation for America.
00:00:19USB.
00:00:20Hello, everybody. Good evening. Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody.
00:00:33Now, I want to start by talking about Denmark, because, you see, over the years, this tiny little country has contributed so much to the betterment of mankind.
00:00:46It's given us interesting furniture, stylish hi-fi, amusing children's toys, and, of course, this.
00:00:55Danish bacon, Danish butter, wrapped in bread to create the only known cure for vegetarianism.
00:01:05Denmark, however, has never made a car until now.
00:01:10Because Denmark has more windmills per head than any other country on Earth, and because Copenhagen is a cyclist paradise, you know exactly what sort of car it's going to be.
00:01:22Yeah. Well, it isn't.
00:01:25I was also expecting Hans Christian Andersen with windscreen wipers, or the Little Mermaid with door handles, but no.
00:01:28What we've got instead is this.
00:01:31A 1,086 horse horseback.
00:01:33Well, how about your car that's going to be there?
00:01:34OK, we don't have enough money to see.
00:01:35That's fine.
00:01:36Yeah, and this isn't.
00:01:37Well, it isn't.
00:01:38I was also expecting Hans Christian Andersen with windscreen wipers or the Little Mermaid with door handles, but no.
00:01:43Mermaid with door handles, but no.
00:01:50What we've got instead is this.
00:01:55A 1,086 horsepower orange monster.
00:02:03It's called the Zenvo ST1 and it is extremely fast.
00:02:08It's got a 6.8 litre V8, which is supercharged and turbocharged.
00:02:24And that's like smearing a habanero chilli with wasabi and then garnishing it with dynamite.
00:02:33The net result is a speedometer that can't keep up.
00:02:38Just the blur. 1.38, 1.50, 1.70 something.
00:02:44Oh my God, no, no idea.
00:02:48Apparently, however, flat out, it'll do 233 miles an hour.
00:02:53You know those Scandinavian crime dramas, lots of quietly thoughtful people in jumpers looking out of the window.
00:03:09This is nothing like that. Nothing at all.
00:03:16So, it is very definitely a supercar.
00:03:20And that's a problem.
00:03:22Because who is going to say no?
00:03:24I don't want a Ferrari or a Lamborghini or a Pagani or a Bugatti or a Porsche or an Audi R8 or a McLaren or an Aston Martin.
00:03:32I would rather spend my money on something totally unproven, preferably from a company I've never heard of.
00:03:41I mean, why would you do that?
00:03:43It's not like the engine is made from the tears of an angel by the gods of science and precision.
00:03:54What's more, it has conventional suspension and a heavy steel chassis.
00:03:59However, because it's a bit last week, you can have some old-fashioned fun in the corners.
00:04:15But you can also have an accident.
00:04:18Part of the problem is that if you engage sport or race mode, the traction control is disengaged.
00:04:32Now, this, according to the chief engineer, makes it pretty much undriveable.
00:04:48He's right. He is right.
00:05:06There were also some issues with quality.
00:05:09The lights filled with condensation.
00:05:12The rear brakes didn't seem to be working properly.
00:05:15And then the clutch went.
00:05:17So the car had to go back to Denmark.
00:05:22After a couple of weeks, however, it was mended.
00:05:25So the Zenvo came back.
00:05:37But almost immediately, a cooling fan went wrong.
00:05:42So the car became even more orange.
00:05:47And that was the end of that.
00:05:53It didn't do very well.
00:06:06It didn't do very well.
00:06:07How much is this thing?
00:06:09How much?
00:06:10Β£800,000.
00:06:13Β£800,000?
00:06:14Yes.
00:06:15Are there any upsides to it?
00:06:16Er, upsides, yes.
00:06:18The fire did get rid of the condensation in the lights.
00:06:22Right.
00:06:23Apart from the fire?
00:06:25Apart from the fire, yeah.
00:06:26It's surprisingly comfortable and very quiet.
00:06:28But it would be quiet.
00:06:29It was broken.
00:06:30Yes, but amazingly, they've mended it again.
00:06:34And it's back again.
00:06:36And now we can find out how fast it does a lap of our track.
00:06:41Or rather, if it can do a lap of our track.
00:06:45And that, of course, means handing it over to our tame racing driver.
00:06:50Some say that this week he's wearing two layers of Nomex.
00:07:01And that on a recent trip to Cornwall,
00:07:03he stopped off for one of his special big wheeze in Somerset.
00:07:09All we know is, he's called the Stig!
00:07:13And he's off.
00:07:14Cautious start, because it is soaking out there today.
00:07:18Could be useful, though, if it catches fire.
00:07:20Right, first corner.
00:07:22Will it try to bite him?
00:07:24Nothing so far.
00:07:28Oh, no, wait, there's a bit of a nibble at the end.
00:07:35Absolutely no idea what the Stig's listening to.
00:07:38I do know, however, he is in full race mode.
00:07:41No traction control.
00:07:43He is being cautious, though.
00:07:45Right, through the hammerhead.
00:07:48Oh, no, it's stacked out again, but he's managed to hold it.
00:07:51God, that is very good driving.
00:08:00Right, is he going to lift?
00:08:02Oh, yes, he is going to lift.
00:08:03Because that thing is as racy as the Danish Prime Minister.
00:08:08Been through the tyres.
00:08:09Only two corners left.
00:08:12You can actually see it squirming on the lake where our track used to be.
00:08:16Only Gambon left before he can have a lie down.
00:08:19Is he going to make it?
00:08:20Is he going to make it?
00:08:21Yes, he has!
00:08:22Well, I have the time here.
00:08:27Remember, it is an Β£800,000, 1,000 horsepower car.
00:08:30So, here we go.
00:08:32No, it's a bit lower.
00:08:38Really?
00:08:42There you go.
00:08:43It's 1, 29, 9.
00:08:47Slower than a Ford Focus.
00:08:50Hang on a minute.
00:08:52No, no, sorry.
00:08:52Hang on a minute.
00:08:53Let's be fair about it.
00:08:54We need to look at another time for a wet lap.
00:08:57There you go.
00:08:57It's slower than a German saloon car.
00:09:01You know, this is Danish and it's orange and it's genetically flawed.
00:09:06I'm surprised they haven't called it the giraffe and shattered.
00:09:13He said that out loud, didn't he?
00:09:14He did.
00:09:15He said it out loud.
00:09:16Never mind, let's move on with the news.
00:09:18And, well, my big news this week certainly is I spent last weekend driving the new Porsche 918.
00:09:24Oh, you did.
00:09:25On the show later in the series.
00:09:26There it is.
00:09:26Come on, quick, quick, quick.
00:09:27Now, sneak preview.
00:09:28What is it like?
00:09:29Well, Jennifer.
00:09:33Funny.
00:09:34Yeah, if you were watching last week, Jeremy did say on the show on TV.
00:09:37Yes.
00:09:38That if the Porsche was faster than the McLaren P1, he would change his name to Jennifer.
00:09:42Yes.
00:09:42Didn't you, Jennifer?
00:09:43Well, it won't.
00:09:44Well, see, I think it might just be.
00:09:46Honestly, it's staggering, really.
00:09:49It doesn't accelerate like most other cars.
00:09:52You're not conscious of it gaining speed through the gear as the revs rise.
00:09:55It doesn't go...
00:09:56It just goes straight to...
00:09:58But, Hammond.
00:10:01What?
00:10:01The McLaren has more power than the Porsche and is lighter than the Porsche.
00:10:06I know, but listen, Jennifer, the Porsche has four-wheel drive and four-wheel steer and on our track, it will lose.
00:10:14Listen, I'm sure that the Luftwaffe were very proud and pleased with the Messerschmitt Me 109.
00:10:21That was a damn good aeroplane, actually.
00:10:22Yes, but it wasn't as good as the Spitfire.
00:10:26Yeah, you could do negative G in the Messerschmitt.
00:10:28Oh, for me, he was bad as he is.
00:10:30That is going to be humiliated.
00:10:34We are going to win.
00:10:36When I say we, Britain is going...
00:10:38I'm awful patriotism, that's great, but you've just got to face facts.
00:10:43The thing is astonishing.
00:10:44It's about how it manages those three engines.
00:10:46Shut up about it!
00:10:47I'm with you about the British thing, but I sort of hope the, um, the Porsche wins Jennifer.
00:10:52Anyway, look, the news has been filled with a lot of scenes this week of flood victims all waving
00:10:58their arms around and going, oh, no, what are we going to do?
00:11:00End of the world, really.
00:11:02I mean, certainly makes me very sad because the answer, as we all know, is simple.
00:11:07You buy a Ford Transit van, cut a big hole in the floor, take the back doors off, a couple of engines
00:11:12in it, fans, skirts, put it in the water, it sinks, you get another Transit van, more powerful engines,
00:11:20totally redesigned, there we go, this is what we're going to do, and it works perfectly.
00:11:24That is the solution.
00:11:26We predicted these floods six months ago and came up with the solution.
00:11:31But what's really annoying is that everybody's blaming the floods on David Cameron, the Environment
00:11:35Agency, pretty much everything you can name.
00:11:38Mm-mm, I know exactly who is to blame for this problem everybody's having.
00:11:44Miranda Hart.
00:11:47You laugh, but here's the thing, we're sitting here now on a Sunday evening, eight,
00:11:52nine million people in Britain have chosen to watch some 1950s midwifery on the other side,
00:11:58so they don't know about the hover van. That is the problem, they've chosen Miranda over us,
00:12:03and our show is rammed full of helpful hints and useful consumer advice.
00:12:08Every week.
00:12:10Now, oh, hey, listen, how long has the Gallardo been in production, 17,000 years?
00:12:15I know there are cave drawings of it in the Pyrenees.
00:12:17Yes, there are.
00:12:18Well, Lamborghini has announced they're stopping making it, they're going to replace it with this.
00:12:22It's called the Huracan, 600 horsepower, 5.2 litre, V10, four-wheel drive, and none of that is
00:12:29interesting. Because if you're interested in speed and power and handling, you're going to buy a Ferrari 458 or
00:12:33a McLaren 12C, aren't you? The only reason you want to buy a Lamborghini is because it looks mad. And that's very nice,
00:12:40but I don't think it's bonkers enough.
00:12:42I know what you mean, it looks nice, but it needs to be outrageous.
00:12:46It does. Nobody should be allowed to design a Lamborghini unless they've just consumed two bottles of absinthe.
00:12:52Yes, then you're ready.
00:12:53Now you're ready.
00:12:55The essence of it is, is it doesn't really matter how a Lamborghini drives, because a Lamborghini is for prowling
00:13:00round the city. Ferraris are for doing a 2.35 Ryan Silverstone. Lamborghinis are for doing
00:13:07Knightsbridge at 2.35 a.m.
00:13:10Oh, now, there's a new type of gas which is worrying the government.
00:13:15Is it cyanide?
00:13:16No.
00:13:16Is it carbon dioxide?
00:13:18No, it used to be carbon dioxide. Now, are days though, I can hardly bring myself to say this,
00:13:23they're very worried about a terrifying new combination of nitrogen and oxygen.
00:13:28What, you mean air?
00:13:30Yes, 99% of the air that we breathe is nitrogen and oxygen, but the government's got its knickers in
00:13:35a twist about it. Specifically about nitrogen dioxide, and I've done some checking, bear with me on this.
00:13:40It mostly comes from soil or stoves, or particularly from lorries in stop-start city driving, okay?
00:13:49So the government has decided to address the problem by limiting cars to 60 miles an hour on the M1 just
00:13:56outside Sheffield. That's their solution.
00:13:59There's nothing to deal with it.
00:14:00I know.
00:14:00Isn't that a bit like saying, I've got toothache, I think I'll go and have a haircut?
00:14:04Yes.
00:14:04That would sort of be that.
00:14:05Doctor, I've twisted my ankle, you must put on a bomber jacket.
00:14:08No, the thing is, they actually say, well, it's a European law, so we have to lower the speed limit.
00:14:12Germans aren't, French aren't, Italians are, only we are. And I know exactly what's happened here.
00:14:18You've got some guy in the government, you know, you know the type.
00:14:23Right.
00:14:24Okay, now he has the power to lower the speed limit and stop parents eating sandwiches in
00:14:29cars if kids are present. But what he needs to do is take a leaf out of the Queen's book.
00:14:33What? Marry a Greek?
00:14:34No. The Queen has the constitutional power to declare war on another country, but she
00:14:41never does. Even after a big party where she's a bit, and all her mates are egging her on,
00:14:46go on, Liz, declare war on someone.
00:14:48Does she really do that?
00:14:49Yes, she can do that, but she doesn't.
00:14:50Is that Mr. Lalonde?
00:14:52This is the Queen.
00:14:53We're at war.
00:14:55I'd do that every day.
00:14:56She could do that, I'd be constant, I'd do it every old girl that I've done.
00:14:59Yeah, I would love to be a drunk queen.
00:15:07I didn't mean...
00:15:09Shall we move it on?
00:15:10Yes.
00:15:10Yes. Now, every week we receive thousands of letters from people that say,
00:15:15Dear top so-called gear, why do you never test the sort of affordable cars that normal people
00:15:21are likely to buy and drive? Well, the truth is, we would love to, but the producers won't let us.
00:15:27Yeah, absolutely. It's frustrating, because contrary to popular opinion,
00:15:31we really do like small, sensible little cars. I mean, he has a Fiat Panda, I have a Fiat 500.
00:15:37Yeah, and I have a very small AMG Mercedes.
00:15:40Yes.
00:15:41Very small indeed. I mean, we like the way that small cars are easy to park and cheap to run,
00:15:46but most of all, we like the way that a lot of them are very good fun to drive.
00:15:51Yeah, but the producers say they aren't. They say they're boring, and to prove their point,
00:15:56they came up with a challenge.
00:15:58Yes, they told us to choose three one-litre, three-cylinder, little city cars,
00:16:05and report with them to the Crimean Peninsula.
00:16:12So, here it is, at the bottom end of Ukraine, jutting out into the Black Sea.
00:16:17The Crimean Peninsula, 10,000 square miles of history, beetroot, and girls who leave the West behind.
00:16:30And this is where we were to meet, the city of Yalta, outside the very building where Churchill,
00:16:36Stalin and Roosevelt met to carve up Europe after Hitler's defeat. Hammond was the first to arrive.
00:16:45I have brought, as you can see, a Fiesta, which is a very, very good small car in any case,
00:16:54but in this instance, particularly good, because this one is fitted with an absolute jewel of an engine.
00:17:00It's a tiny, one-litre, three-cylinder EcoBoost. And when I say tiny, I mean really tiny.
00:17:06The block of that engine would fit on an A4 piece of paper, and it's magnificent.
00:17:11Right, who's that? Oh, it's the orangutan. Here we go.
00:17:19Congratulations.
00:17:20What? Why?
00:17:22Because that is unquestionably the best one-litre little car of them all.
00:17:28No doubt about it. And the engine in this...
00:17:30Yeah.
00:17:31It is phenomenal. 125 horsepower from one litre. I know.
00:17:36And 65 miles to the gallon. Honestly, I'm not...
00:17:38Why are you saying these things, and why then aren't you in one? Why are you in that VW?
00:17:42It's the up-exformation mug.
00:17:45This... Well, I brought this because I like it.
00:17:48Well, hang on, you've just... No, I like it.
00:17:50This is brilliant, but I like this.
00:17:53Let me put it to you this way, Hammond.
00:17:55You can buy better dogs than my West Highland Terrier, but I like my West Highland Terrier.
00:18:01Yes, it bites the postman, and it lays dog eggs all over the kitchen, and it steals food,
00:18:06but it's brilliant, and it goes... If this had ears, it'd go like that.
00:18:11Sadly, at this point, my dog impersonation was interrupted by the arrival of Captain Interesting.
00:18:17It's the most boring-looking car. What is it?
00:18:21I'm nodding off.
00:18:22Good news!
00:18:24What?
00:18:25It's a Dacia Sandero.
00:18:27Is it?
00:18:28Yes.
00:18:28Anyway, we were just saying, before you got here, this is just an epic little car.
00:18:33It's quite expensive, though, isn't it?
00:18:34Well, I mean...
00:18:35How much is it?
00:18:36Β£17,500.
00:18:37Β£17,500?
00:18:39Yep.
00:18:40And how much is yours?
00:18:41Β£7,500.
00:18:42That's a big price, Gulf Hammond.
00:18:44That's a massive price.
00:18:45I can afford to lose this and just go and buy another one, and I'm still better off than you.
00:18:49Look at it! It's trim!
00:18:50It looks great, it's anti-fashion, it's a car for people with more sense than money.
00:18:55It works, it's cheap!
00:18:57Wow!
00:18:57How have they done it so cheap?
00:18:59You can't work it out, can you?
00:19:00There's no obvious...
00:19:01That steering wheel, what a quality item!
00:19:04It's exactly the same as yours!
00:19:06It doesn't seem cheap!
00:19:08And correct me if I'm wrong, it was a Renault Clio 30 years ago.
00:19:12Not 30 years ago, it's based on the underpinnings and mechanicals of the old Renault Clio.
00:19:16An old car.
00:19:17It's an old car.
00:19:18Basically, I've brought an iPod to a gramophone convention.
00:19:22Utter rubbish.
00:19:23Look at it!
00:19:24Our argument was then interrupted by the arrival of a challenge.
00:19:29They still don't believe that we like small cars.
00:19:32But we do.
00:19:32I'd love my test.
00:19:34Right.
00:19:35Between Yalta and Zavastopol, there is an excellent coast road which you would enjoy very much in a normal car.
00:19:42But you will not be able to enjoy it in your miserable little shopping carts.
00:19:49Hello?
00:20:01Can't get away from the fact the Fiesta in any guise is a brilliant little car.
00:20:07The chassis is so sorted out.
00:20:09I've driven the ST version, the hot one, and it's simply superb.
00:20:17What's incredible is that they haven't lost any of that liveliness, that excitement, that thrill,
00:20:23by fitting it with a tiny, tiny engine.
00:20:29It's driving a cartoon.
00:20:36Squealing.
00:20:40Bit of turbo boost, bit of traction control light.
00:20:43That means I'm having fun and I'm on the ragged edge.
00:20:51Unlike the Ford and the Dacia, the up exclamation mark doesn't have a turbocharger.
00:20:57But even so, it still feels like a determined spur.
00:21:00I'm going to get there first.
00:21:03Yes, I am.
00:21:04Get out of my way.
00:21:09And stick it into the bend.
00:21:10I mean, if I were in even a Ferrari on this road, I'd be thinking, oh, no, I'm going to scrape the nose and how much power do I need here and how much braking.
00:21:21I don't have to worry about any of that because the up exclamation mark has no power at all.
00:21:27You just put your foot hard down and leave it there.
00:21:35Much to the annoyance of the producers, we had loved our drive on the Wiggly Road.
00:21:40But we loved what we found at the other end of it even more.
00:21:49A disused Soviet submarine base.
00:21:52Now, ordinarily, we'd have to park in the car park there.
00:22:02But because our cars are so little, we won't.
00:22:12This is remarkable.
00:22:15James Bond could not have got in here.
00:22:18Because, of course, his Aston Martin is too large.
00:22:23Good God.
00:22:25Look at that.
00:22:34In the event of a nuclear war, they could get 14 submarines in here and 3,000 people.
00:22:44It's under a mountain.
00:22:45Yeah, it is your actual under a mountain submarine base.
00:22:49It's full on bond.
00:22:52It's full on bond.
00:22:57How much energy and effort was expended by MI6 and the CIA trying to find out the details of this place?
00:23:06And here I am, driving through it.
00:23:10And here I am, driving around the sub-pen.
00:23:15The night was falling by the time we'd reached the busy city of Sevastopol.
00:23:25And here the up's lack of oomph was a bit of an issue.
00:23:34No, I'm being squeezed.
00:23:36I've lost it.
00:23:37I've been trashed by a Lada 2107.
00:23:41I've lost it.
00:23:44However, because the VW is smaller than the Ford and the Dacia, I didn't have to park miles and miles from the hotel.
00:23:52Is that legal?
00:23:56No.
00:23:57Does it, where does it say no parking?
00:23:59No, but it doesn't say no parking in a lot of places where it's obviously not quite right to park.
00:24:03Yeah, it doesn't say no murdering either.
00:24:05Dude, look.
00:24:12The next morning, we continued our journey through a region where the hills were once soaked with British blood.
00:24:19The Crimean War may have been unfathomable. Nobody really knew why it started.
00:24:26But the legacy is enormous.
00:24:29It gave us important words like balaclava and cardigan.
00:24:33It gave us Florence Nightingale, the world's first war photographer, the world's first war reporter.
00:24:40The Victoria Cross was first awarded to soldiers who fought here.
00:24:44And even today, the medal is made from metal taken from a Russian gun that was captured here.
00:24:53Then, of course, there's the best known legacy of them all.
00:25:03How's it going?
00:25:05There's not to make a reply.
00:25:08There's not to reason why.
00:25:10There's but to do and die.
00:25:12Into the valley of death, rode the 600.
00:25:15And that is the valley.
00:25:17That is where the charge of the light brigade actually happened.
00:25:21It was a misunderstood order.
00:25:23Yeah, they were supposed to go there somewhere.
00:25:25Yeah, they were supposed to go and snout around in the hills looking for the Russians.
00:25:28Misunderstood it, came charging over here, armed with sabres against the...
00:25:32The entire Russian artillery was here.
00:25:35All of it was there, pointing straight at them, and they were on horses with sabres.
00:25:40How could that possibly end?
00:25:42How could that possibly end?
00:25:56Oh, God.
00:25:59Choose your moment.
00:26:00Ukraine is the second largest country in Europe, and now you will drive all the way across it.
00:26:09From here in the far south to the Belarus border in the north.
00:26:13It'll be worse than those long journeys you did as a kid in the back of the family car to the seaside.
00:26:19It'll be the journey from hell.
00:26:22How could it be worse than those journeys? I was a kid then.
00:26:25I was in the back of a Mark I Cortina.
00:26:26I was in the back of an Austin 1100.
00:26:28Anglia. How far is it?
00:26:30With a hole in the floor.
00:26:31I don't know. How far is it?
00:26:34It's 750 miles.
00:26:36750 miles? Right of Volkswagen up?
00:26:39It's easy.
00:26:40Piece of... In these three cars, light cars, we shall be the modern-day charge of the light brigade.
00:26:47Very good.
00:26:51Still feeling slightly baffled, we set off.
00:26:57Well, I think the producers have gone a bit soft, to be honest.
00:27:00It's just not in any way difficult, challenging.
00:27:04It's just... It's easy.
00:27:17Some of them did 50 miles.
00:27:21It turned out not to be easy at all.
00:27:24Yes. In the second part of that film, which we'll show to you later on, I was actually killed.
00:27:30Yeah. No, he really was. So that's something for us all to look forward to.
00:27:34Yes. Thank you, Hammond.
00:27:35But in the meantime, we must put a star in our reasonably-priced car.
00:27:39Now, my guest tonight is the only British musician who can drive a tank, fire a mortar,
00:27:45and strip an assault rifle. Apart from posh spice, obviously.
00:27:51Ladies and gentlemen, James Blunt!
00:27:57How are you doing?
00:27:58How are you?
00:27:58I'm well.
00:28:00Hey there. How are you doing?
00:28:01Hi.
00:28:01Hello.
00:28:02He's here. He's here. Have a seat.
00:28:05All right.
00:28:06How are you doing?
00:28:06Many whistlings.
00:28:08First of all, congratulations on your forthcoming marriage.
00:28:12I'm getting married.
00:28:15You're getting married to the girl standing behind you.
00:28:18Fantastic.
00:28:19Just in case you'd forgotten.
00:28:21No, there she is. Look, there's...
00:28:23What's your name?
00:28:27Okay, great.
00:28:28So, when are you getting married?
00:28:31September.
00:28:31I'm just thinking, I know there's lots of girls here, and they're going to want me to
00:28:35ask lots of questions about it, but I can't think of any.
00:28:38Shall we talk about the army?
00:28:39Let's talk about the army.
00:28:40Yeah, the army's better.
00:28:41We're going to do the army. It's easier.
00:28:44Now, we know where you were in the army. Of course, that's well documented.
00:28:46But I think what a lot of people don't know is that you actually single-handedly, when you were
00:28:50in Kosovo, stopped World War III from happening.
00:28:54I'm glad you brought this up.
00:28:55Yeah.
00:28:56Because it's time the nation knew.
00:28:59Actually, it was generally the most incredible day of my life, other than my forthcoming marriage.
00:29:06And it was, we had, you know, having bombed the crap out of the Serbs,
00:29:11we signed a peace accord and we pushed up to Pristina, the capital, and I was remarkably
00:29:15put as the very first, truly the first officer to lead 30,000 people up there.
00:29:20And when we got to the airport in Pristina, General Wesley Clark told us to overrun and
00:29:26overpower the 200 Russians who had beaten us to the airport.
00:29:30He's the American general.
00:29:31Yeah. And we asked several times, that one thing means destroy them,
00:29:35which seemed a pretty stupid thing to do.
00:29:36He said destroy?
00:29:37He said overrun and overpower. He's definitely using a bit of political maneuvering in his wording.
00:29:41And after, you know, five minutes of arguing, a very special man called General Mike Jackson,
00:29:47an incredible character who I would follow anywhere, came up on the radio and said,
00:29:51look, this is ridiculous. I'm not having my soldiers being responsible for starting World War III.
00:29:56And let's push off somewhere else. And when the Russians had run out of food and water,
00:30:00they came back and asked us if they could have food and water. And we said, sure, if you share the airport.
00:30:03And that was how you...
00:30:04Because, I mean, that was an order from an American to a British captain to...
00:30:11And he later then ran for president.
00:30:13I know. In America.
00:30:15So let's move on to music. Covered the army now. You saved the world from World War III,
00:30:19which is good. The new album's called Moon Landing.
00:30:22Moon Landing, which I only discovered after the event of putting out Moon Landing.
00:30:25That Moon Landing actually is in the urban dictionary, is a term in the gym,
00:30:28when two men are changing and they bend over and their bottoms touch accidentally.
00:30:34So, yeah.
00:30:36And then there's a single called Heart to Heart, isn't there?
00:30:38Yes.
00:30:39Now, if you can be saying this, my daughter, she said to me a couple of days ago,
00:30:43I was going to tweet, James, to say how much I love that song. But she said,
00:30:47I was so worried that his tweet reply would break me apart that I haven't dared do it.
00:30:52I wouldn't abuse her if she's, you know, if she's nice.
00:30:55But the thing is, what if you just won on Twitter? It's something,
00:30:58the best Twitterer of the best comebacks from the chap over there with windswept hair.
00:31:03Um, I mean, I've actually got a few of your ones here. Do they take a long time to think of?
00:31:08I would say I'm spontaneous with it, but I might be lying.
00:31:11Because, I mean, somebody said here, why have you only got 200,000 followers? And you replied,
00:31:17Jesus only needed 12.
00:31:18LAUGHTER
00:31:20You've got to admit, I mean, they are properly very funny.
00:31:26James Blunt has an annoying face and a highly irritating voice, and he went, yes and no mortgage.
00:31:31LAUGHTER
00:31:34Do you mind if I show them my absolute favourite?
00:31:36Perfect.
00:31:36They're rather sarky.
00:31:37Whatever happened to James Blunt? And this was the picture you posted.
00:31:41LAUGHTER
00:31:45What I love about you is the way that somebody is abusive to you,
00:31:48and you just take it on the chin, and I find... I sob uncontrollably.
00:31:52Right. I mean, people take Twitter far too seriously. It's just, you know, there's a real world out there,
00:31:56isn't there? And people seem to think that Twitter is important. It's just people's opinions,
00:31:59and opinions are like arseholes.
00:32:03Everyone has one.
00:32:05Yeah.
00:32:07Cars. Um, when you were last here, I think the only car you'd ever driven at the time was a Lada.
00:32:13Yeah, I was really embarrassed about that, and I've tried to upgrade.
00:32:16I had a Lada Riva 1.3 SL for slow.
00:32:19Because now, obviously, things have moved on dramatically. Is it... You've got a tuk-tuk.
00:32:23I have a tuk-tuk from Bangkok, which is awesome. Three-wheeled vehicle. It does 70 miles an hour,
00:32:28and I drive it around home in Ibiza.
00:32:30It does 70?
00:32:3170 miles an hour, and if you get all your mates in the back, you can wheelie as well at 70 miles an hour.
00:32:36LAUGHTER
00:32:36Actually, I have my best friend is a chap called Nin, he's Indian,
00:32:39and he insists on driving to make it look more authentic.
00:32:42LAUGHTER
00:32:45Yeah.
00:32:45Then, when you were in London, I gather you've now got a bicycle.
00:32:48Yeah.
00:32:49Why do you have a bicycle?
00:32:51It's much, much faster, and it's good exercise.
00:32:54You can lose a paunch on a bicycle.
00:32:57No, I've got a bicycle, and look what it's done to me. Literally.
00:33:00You're not supposed to eat it.
00:33:06Yeah.
00:33:08Now, you recently had an altercation with a paparazzi photographer, I believe,
00:33:13in the United States.
00:33:14Yeah, paps are quite aggressive, um, and, and yeah, so I was outside,
00:33:18I was coming out of a party, and I was with someone who was in the public eye as well,
00:33:21uh, they shout, they shout, paps don't want just an ordinary picture,
00:33:23they want an aggressive picture, and anyway, they're all banging on the window,
00:33:26and one of them properly fell down in front of the car, and at that stage,
00:33:28what are you supposed to do? He's fallen down, and I wouldn't want to incriminate myself
00:33:32by saying that I hadn't spotted him and touched the throttle and went gently over.
00:33:37That would be, that would be the wrong thing to do.
00:33:38But we did go over him.
00:33:43Did it, you actually felt the d-d-d?
00:33:45Yeah, something strangely satisfying about it.
00:33:47Um, and, uh, and in the meantime, I mean, the police and, uh, and the ambulance did arrive,
00:33:54but in the, before they arrived, he got up, he took pictures of more people.
00:33:57They even had some film footage from another paparazzi of him rubbing his leg, saying,
00:34:01make it redder, make it redder, and then, you know, when the police arrived,
00:34:04then he said, oh, poor old me, I've been run over. But it was a very small hire car, and I think it was fine.
00:34:08It wasn't a large American Cadillac.
00:34:10No.
00:34:11Get one of those next time. Um, anyway, the lap. How was it out there today?
00:34:16Um, I think as I was driving down today, uh, they said that today was the first day of the year.
00:34:21They met officers issued a red weather warning. Do not leave home unless you specifically have to.
00:34:26And I've been doing laps.
00:34:27See, the thing is, is, you know, everybody who comes down here goes off at the second to last corner.
00:34:32That's a given, really. But I heard that James went off on the follow through.
00:34:37And I followed through at the time.
00:34:39That's why it's called the follow through. Because that's a 100 mile an hour corner,
00:34:45and you have that building in front of you, and if things start to go wrong through there,
00:34:48it's actually a slightly buttock clenching.
00:34:51Very much. And some of your camera crew are lucky to be alive.
00:34:54Yeah. Would anybody like to see this moment when one of our guests actually went off on the follow through?
00:35:01Well, look at this. Here we go.
00:35:03That is absolutely soaking. That's properly fast, and you keep your foot in it until rocket.
00:35:11What I love about that is you did not apply the brakes until you were an inch from the edge of the track.
00:35:17Yeah, yeah. Well, everyone says, you know, you're not allowed to lift off, and so I tried not to.
00:35:21We're talking big, only is that. It's actually, I couldn't see through the windscreen at that time,
00:35:26so you didn't know I was coming off. You didn't, so it started to get bumpy and green.
00:35:30Oh, this has definitely gone wrong, then. Anyway, eventually we did get a lap together.
00:35:35Yeah. Who'd like to see it?
00:35:37Yeah. Here we go.
00:35:41See, I think this is the blitz spirit. Come on, then.
00:35:45It's like a f***ing lake out here.
00:35:51Yeah, nobody's complaining about the Environment Agency. You're going in there.
00:35:56Ooh, why don't you come and clear it up?
00:35:59God, that is so wet.
00:36:02Stayed on the track nicely.
00:36:04It's like ice skating.
00:36:06Not that I ice skate very often.
00:36:08You really should have borrowed Richard Hammond's booster cushion.
00:36:13I needed Moses to part the sea.
00:36:15Yeah.
00:36:16There's a private jet over there.
00:36:18That could get me home.
00:36:20It's Ibiza Wright, Hammerhead, probably couldn't even see the lines, so that's pretty impressive.
00:36:28No, and here we go. Right, coming up to the follow-through again now.
00:36:31It's so slow.
00:36:31Oh, no.
00:36:32Up to 6,000.
00:36:35And again, I can't see a f***ing thing.
00:36:41This is what I really admire you for doing this.
00:36:43All the touch of the brakes, and I can't say I blame you, all the tyres.
00:36:48No whinging, no complaining.
00:36:51And yeah, going to make that one nicely done that.
00:36:55It's not bad at all, actually.
00:36:56And it's blowing again.
00:36:58Whoa!
00:36:58It's the Jimmy Car line, and there we are, across the line.
00:37:06That is really properly... I've never seen it like that.
00:37:10Yeah, it was frustrating, because the last time I came down, it was wet as well.
00:37:12And basically, whenever you have me on, unsurprisingly, it is the wettest.
00:37:17You can... James Blunt is the wettest lap.
00:37:21Well, now, we have had two previous wet laps around here.
00:37:25In the last couple of weeks, Hugh Bonneville at 1.50.1, Tom Hiddleston last week, 1.49.9.
00:37:32So, bearing in mind they were... I mean, he was very wet, but nothing like...
00:37:35He's not nearly as wet as me.
00:37:38So, come on, where do you think you've come?
00:37:39I really hope I haven't humiliated myself too much.
00:37:42No, you haven't humiliated yourself, because you went out there, which is brave enough,
00:37:45and you drove around in it, which is very marvellous, and you look determined.
00:37:48Like one of those schools... And that's all very good.
00:37:50Like one of those schools where everyone's a winner.
00:37:54So, there we go. Fastest lap so far, 1.49.9.
00:37:57You did...
00:37:591...
00:38:0140...
00:38:039...
00:38:04That's...
00:38:054.
00:38:06Yeah!
00:38:07Well, I have to say,
00:38:10that's the fastest wet lap.
00:38:12You're above Ron Howard.
00:38:14And just under Joss Stone. I'm always under some... You know, anyway.
00:38:19Feel the eyes in the back of my head.
00:38:21Yes.
00:38:22I can see them.
00:38:25No, you're under... You're between Joss Stone and Ron Howard,
00:38:27and that's a very odd place to be.
00:38:29But that was quite something. It really was.
00:38:31Wonderful.
00:38:32Ladies and gentlemen, James Bloods!
00:38:42Now, tonight, we are trying to prove that we really do like small cars,
00:38:47and our producers are trying to prove that they're rubbish.
00:38:50Yes, so, they told us to drive our three one-litre hatchbacks all the way across Ukraine,
00:38:56a trip they said would be the journey from hell.
00:39:09Why do they think this is going to be the journey from hell?
00:39:13Driving across the Ukraine.
00:39:15We've been here 24 hours.
00:39:17We've been through the Cold War, the Second World War, the Crimean War.
00:39:21It's going to be tremendous.
00:39:22And I'm in my heart!
00:39:26In the not-too-distant past, little cars like ours were very spartan.
00:39:31But these days, if you choose your car wisely, you get loads of stuff to play with.
00:39:38All right, Hammond, have you got your air conditioning set just so?
00:39:41I have, yes. I've set it just half a degree lower than it would be too comfortable.
00:39:45Scooted seat, I think, just to the first position.
00:39:49USB.
00:39:51USB. iPod.
00:39:52Bluetoothed my iPod into the stereo system.
00:39:56I needed windscreen. Let me try that.
00:39:58Cruise control. I haven't done that.
00:40:10Yep, a mirror on that side.
00:40:11Eventually, though, even Hammond and I ran out of things to play with.
00:40:20So we turned our attention to the Ukrainian scenery.
00:40:31A hill or two wouldn't go amiss.
00:40:48MOONS.
00:40:54I had to be a question.
00:40:55I couldn't go.
00:40:56I checked it out.
00:41:00I thought I was going to get out of things.
00:41:01I was going to get out of the way.
00:41:02I got to the vraag.
00:41:04I've heard of theδ½ ε¨ theΔ« my ass.
00:41:06I was going to have to stay in the way.
00:41:07I think I was going to stay in the way.
00:41:09I'm going to get out of the way.
00:41:10I'm going to be the next.
00:41:11I was going to make my sauce and I was going to go.
00:41:13So I was going to stick my to the compaΓ±s.
00:41:15Right, I admit it, this is boring.
00:41:30You think we're halfway there yet?
00:41:34We needed to find out.
00:41:37So, as we couldn't understand the writing on our sat-nav systems,
00:41:41we pulled over to consult a map.
00:41:44We came from down here, yes?
00:41:46Yes. We've got to go all the way there.
00:41:49We've just gone through a town called Pravda.
00:41:53We can't be further back than that.
00:41:55Maybe it's written. No, we can't be, don't we, must it?
00:42:01Oh, no.
00:42:04It's there.
00:42:05Don't be daft.
00:42:06It is. We're only here. We've only done that.
00:42:09We've only driven over the Isle of Wight.
00:42:11It is. We've got to come to here.
00:42:14How come we've only got there?
00:42:18And that's good news.
00:42:20How is that good news?
00:42:21It's good news.
00:42:22Really?
00:42:23Yes.
00:42:23Instead of just sitting and going, bored and bored and bored...
00:42:26Why don't we make ourselves more rounded human beings on the journey?
00:42:30So, while we're in the car...
00:42:32Instead of moaning about how...
00:42:33We learn to do something.
00:42:34Exactly.
00:42:35We could sit there going, bored and bored and we still wasn't doing this.
00:42:38Or we could simply say, no, we shall use this time constructively.
00:42:43We will arrive in Belarus more intelligent and more rounded than we are now.
00:42:51Back on the road, the self-improvement began.
00:42:55Hello and welcome to Teach Yourself Ukrainian.
00:42:58Unit 1.
00:42:59Hello.
00:43:00What's your name?
00:43:01You'll learn to play blues harp quickly and easily by just listening to the CD.
00:43:06Ooh, got a CD and following the book.
00:43:09Now, viewers, you will notice I am wearing my magic hat and that there is a playing card in it.
00:43:16Harris again invites Stephen to his home to discuss some business questions.
00:43:21ΠΡΠΈΠ²Π΅Ρ, Stephen.
00:43:22ΠΡΠΈΠ²Π΅Ρ, Stephen.
00:43:23In the mobile language lab, things were going well.
00:43:44And soon I felt confident enough to get us something to eat at a roadside cafe.
00:43:53What are you saying?
00:44:08I'm trying to find you some food that isn't fish.
00:44:10Oh, thank you.
00:44:12You seem to have ordered some wood.
00:44:23Jeremy then asked for some apples.
00:44:31Well, we've eaten. Shall we go?
00:44:34Oh.
00:44:40The next morning, after breakfast had been cleared away...
00:44:43What?
00:44:44I used my new Ukrainian skills to check the sat-nav.
00:44:51Oh, jeez.
00:44:52To get to Kiev, 13 hours and 49 minutes.
00:44:57We were in a state of despair, but then, out of the fog, loomed a man.
00:45:07And behind him, this.
00:45:09An abandoned nuclear missile base.
00:45:18This is the silo.
00:45:19That's a silo.
00:45:20That's ever so big.
00:45:22Hammond?
00:45:23Yes?
00:45:23This is an SS-18 nicknamed the Satan.
00:45:26It was targeted, Ross-on-Wye.
00:45:29Was it?
00:45:29That's what that says.
00:45:30Oh, no, hang on a minute, though.
00:45:32It says alternative target, Chipsky-Norton, though.
00:45:34Chipsky-Norton.
00:45:37I think it must be damp.
00:45:46Many people complain about having to do a long drive,
00:45:50but on this one,
00:45:51we really had hit on a brilliant way
00:45:53of making the time fly by.
00:45:55Ha-ha, viewers, my hand's empty.
00:46:05Nothing at all in them.
00:46:08Now, can I?
00:46:17Good day, Stephen.
00:46:18Good day, Stephen.
00:46:20Unit 3.
00:46:22Stephen, do you have a family?
00:46:24There's Stephen again.
00:46:26Everybody's called Stephen here.
00:46:27That's the one thing I have learned.
00:46:30Oh, God.
00:46:31My doves have escaped.
00:46:35My doves have got out.
00:46:37What doves?
00:46:38What do you mean, got out?
00:46:40My doves from my magic box.
00:46:42They're all over the back.
00:46:43They've cracked everywhere.
00:46:45Upset by the mess,
00:46:47OCD May ejected the culprit.
00:46:53Oh, my God, there's a lorry.
00:46:54You've got to get...
00:46:55That is an ex-dove.
00:46:57Yeah, now, you see,
00:46:58the truck that hit your dove, James.
00:47:01How good are you at magic?
00:47:03Seriously, did it not fly away?
00:47:05You're not going to do children's parties,
00:47:07are you?
00:47:08Because you're going to have to change your act
00:47:09if you are.
00:47:09So, Sally, is this the family parrot?
00:47:14Just watch what happens when I throw it out of the window of a moving vehicle.
00:47:22Putting this tragic incident behind us,
00:47:25we ploughed on.
00:47:26And by nightfall had reached Ukraine's capital, Kiev.
00:47:34Jeremy checked us into the hotel.
00:47:36Did you just say yes to stop him talking?
00:47:45And in the bar, James did another trick that went wrong.
00:47:49Ta-da!
00:47:50I'm afraid not.
00:47:52No, you can't change your mind about the card you chose.
00:47:54That was the card you chose.
00:47:55You can't tell me what card I chose.
00:47:57But I know you chose that because I've read your mind.
00:47:59Magicians are supposed to exercise a degree of finesse,
00:48:01not just bullying.
00:48:03No, it's still not.
00:48:04No, it is.
00:48:05That's what you chose.
00:48:05It wasn't.
00:48:08The following morning, we were warned
00:48:10there was a mob on the streets of Kiev.
00:48:14And there was.
00:48:20Thank you for coming.
00:48:21Thank you so much.
00:48:24So, to get a bit of peace and quiet,
00:48:27we were told to report to the country's only racetrack.
00:48:31For what Chillingly was called the final challenge.
00:48:37Your cars will each be given exactly 23 litres of fuel,
00:48:42which, because they're so economical,
00:48:44should easily be enough for them to cover the 100 or so miles
00:48:48to your destination, a town near the border with Belarus.
00:48:52Hang on, 23 litres?
00:48:54To 100 miles?
00:48:55It's not really a challenge, is it?
00:48:56It's easy.
00:48:57Your challenge is to run out before you get there.
00:49:00Eh?
00:49:01This is something you'll want to do,
00:49:03as the town in question is called...
00:49:08Chernobyl.
00:49:14Can we actually...
00:49:15We can't go there, can we?
00:49:21Chernobyl was the scene of the world's worst nuclear accident.
00:49:24When reactor number four exploded in 1986,
00:49:28it released a radioactive cloud so devastating
00:49:32that the entire area will remain uninhabitable for 20,000 years.
00:49:38And unless we could make our cars do less than 20 miles to the gallon,
00:49:44this is where we'd end up.
00:49:49Ford claim mine does 65 MPG.
00:49:52All the way here, this has done 60 miles to the gallon, yes?
00:49:55Give or take.
00:49:55Yeah, yeah.
00:49:56How do you make these cars do 20 miles to the gallon?
00:50:00I can't imagine getting it under 30.
00:50:03After the producers had put precisely 23 litres of fuel in each tank,
00:50:08we did some preparations of our own.
00:50:11Right.
00:50:16Clever, this.
00:50:17What I'm going to do is let about 30% of the pressure out of the tyres.
00:50:22Point is, it increases rolling resistance,
00:50:25which means I use more fuel.
00:50:27That is one heavy up.
00:50:37What are you doing?
00:50:39I'm sealing all the gaps so that radioactive dust can't get.
00:50:42What you've done there, Hammond, is made it more aerodynamic.
00:50:47I have, haven't I?
00:50:48You have. Goodbye.
00:50:51To get through this much petrol in less than 100 miles,
00:50:55we would have to drive like maniacs.
00:50:58Three, two, one.
00:51:09Come on, build up the revs.
00:51:14Second gear, right to the limiter.
00:51:18Oh, that's wasteful.
00:51:19James and I decided to go for a low-gear policy of maximum revs.
00:51:26Hammond, on the other hand.
00:51:30If I keep doing this all the way there, I'll go further.
00:51:36I mean, this will be twice the distance.
00:51:38This is the answer.
00:51:40Lock to lock.
00:51:43OK, that's where I'm going to have to be careful
00:51:45when there's traffic coming the other way.
00:51:47I want all...
00:51:50I've just realised.
00:51:52I'm driving without the lights on.
00:51:54I'm driving with the eco-engine system.
00:51:57Heated-driven window.
00:51:57I want that on.
00:51:58Heated seats.
00:51:59Yes.
00:52:00That's better.
00:52:05Probably people think this is a bit odd,
00:52:07but if they knew why I was doing it,
00:52:09they would understand.
00:52:10I can't believe they're making us do this,
00:52:18because it's not like the radioactivity has gone.
00:52:21It hasn't.
00:52:22It has a half-life of material that's left of 245,000 years.
00:52:29And James May, obviously, can explain what a half-life is.
00:52:33In fact, he probably is doing.
00:52:36Half-life is actually constant.
00:52:39A piece of uranium will have a half-life,
00:52:40and when that half-life is past the remaining bit,
00:52:45it still has the same half-life.
00:52:47I think the word was coined by Marie Curie.
00:52:50The early 20th century was the time when radioactivity
00:52:53was identified, discovered, codified.
00:52:56After 25 miles of redline motoring,
00:53:02the news from the up still wasn't good.
00:53:06I've managed to average 23 miles to the goer.
00:53:11I've got to get that down.
00:53:13How do I get that down?
00:53:19Right.
00:53:20The drag is now dramatically worsened.
00:53:23Meanwhile...
00:53:25I am feeling a bit sick now, if I'm honest.
00:53:35Oh, is that a police car?
00:53:38Oh, dear.
00:53:44There's the horrible evidence.
00:53:46At a quarter distance, 25.5 miles,
00:53:51I should have lost one of those four bars
00:53:53that I started with.
00:53:54But it's not happening.
00:53:57Come on, petrol.
00:53:59Sod off.
00:54:04OK, we've been pulled by the police.
00:54:07They were wondering why I was zigzagging.
00:54:10They're talking to the camera car in front.
00:54:12Meanwhile, I'm sitting here at max RPM
00:54:14to try and use some fuel
00:54:16while I'm stationary.
00:54:18Whilst Hammond was deafening the police,
00:54:25I pulled over to disable my engine management system.
00:54:31How about that look?
00:54:33Engine warning line.
00:54:34Yes, that's what we want.
00:54:35So what the engine has to do now
00:54:37is assume a sort of worst-case scenario
00:54:39because it doesn't know anything about itself.
00:54:41So it'll assume it's very cold,
00:54:44the fuel quality is bad,
00:54:45so it must be less efficient.
00:54:4830 miles from Chernobyl,
00:54:56all our cars were still running
00:54:57and we were trying every trick in the book
00:55:00to make them conk out.
00:55:03Look at that foot drag now.
00:55:06Brake and accelerate.
00:55:13And then brake and accelerate.
00:55:17Still got three cars.
00:55:19Come on.
00:55:23There it is.
00:55:2517.8 mpg.
00:55:27Oh, my fuel lights come on.
00:55:29Oh, yeah.
00:55:31I'm doing 21 miles to the gallon.
00:55:34I'm not doing well enough.
00:55:39Everything's on empty.
00:55:41Needle on empty.
00:55:43Come on, run out.
00:55:44Run out.
00:55:46It's one degree out there.
00:55:50Nipples are sticking out badly now.
00:55:53Ah.
00:55:54I believe this is Richard Hammond.
00:55:57This thing should not be moving.
00:56:01I'm going.
00:56:02I'm going.
00:56:03I am going.
00:56:05Don't tell me you've run out.
00:56:07Oh, yes.
00:56:09Yes.
00:56:10Ha, ha.
00:56:11Oh, bliss.
00:56:13It's gone.
00:56:16I don't believe you.
00:56:19It's...
00:56:19I don't believe you.
00:56:25Sit rep.
00:56:26Richard Hammond is a...
00:56:28Go on.
00:56:29Go and meet your fate.
00:56:30The un-turbo-charged up continued onwards.
00:56:41And then...
00:56:42Oh, wait a minute.
00:56:44What do we have here?
00:56:46Some kind of checkpoint.
00:56:49The barrier marked the start of the 30-kilometre exclusion zone.
00:56:53And now I'd have to go through it.
00:56:56So would James.
00:56:58But who would film what happened afterwards?
00:57:02Three main cameramen.
00:57:03Yeah.
00:57:03They're getting in a taxi and going back to Kiev.
00:57:08What?
00:57:08They're not going in.
00:57:09There they go.
00:57:11So we're filming the most dangerous thing we've ever done with two, I don't want to be rude,
00:57:14but camera assistants.
00:57:15Oh, actually, well, thank you.
00:57:18Yeah.
00:57:19Thank you very much.
00:57:20You're very brave.
00:57:21You're now promoted official cameramen.
00:57:23I know you want to get on in the world, but this is...
00:57:25This is a bit much.
00:57:28Those of us who were going in made their preparations.
00:57:34Right, air on the recirc.
00:57:37Vents shut.
00:57:39Geiger counter.
00:57:41On.
00:57:42That really is a Geiger counter, and it really is going tick, tick, tick.
00:57:58The cameraman is having to film us from the back of a Land Rover, as usual,
00:58:01but with the door closed, normally the tailgate is propped open.
00:58:05There's something like 17 tonnes of radioactive waste still in the exposed reactor core.
00:58:19They're building an enormous sort of arch, really, over the entire site, which will seal
00:58:27it off, but that is not finished yet.
00:58:28With eight kilometres to go, I had started to beg, run out, run out now.
00:58:40But it didn't.
00:58:47That needle is definitely moving.
00:58:49Now, it had become imperative we didn't run out until we were well past the reactor.
00:58:58There it is.
00:58:59That is the remains of reactor number four.
00:59:15This is unbelievable.
00:59:22I wouldn't want to appear to be gloating at a time like this, but I do still have two bars of fuel left.
00:59:28I didn't.
00:59:32Oh, my God.
00:59:35Don't stop now.
00:59:37And as a result, I was in serious trouble.
00:59:45This is where the people who worked at the nuclear facility all lived.
00:59:50Totally abandoned now.
00:59:52Has been for 28 years.
00:59:54Oh, my God.
00:59:55Look at it.
00:59:56Look at that, there.
01:00:01This has to be one of the world's most astonishing spectacles.
01:00:07Oh, my...
01:00:08I've seen this.
01:00:10This is it.
01:00:11This is the playground.
01:00:12Whoa, big spike.
01:00:22It is definitely now time to get out of here.
01:00:32Come on, little up.
01:00:33Don't run out now.
01:00:35Oh, that was...
01:00:37It coughed.
01:00:39Oh, that was a cough.
01:00:40That...
01:00:41It's gone.
01:00:43It's gone.
01:00:44Why are you applauding now?
01:00:58Why are you applauding?
01:01:00So how did you get out?
01:01:02Well, I waited, thinking you'd come back and rescue me, which you...
01:01:06Well, I didn't, because as you said many times, we do leave a man in the field, or in this case, the contaminated city.
01:01:12Yes, so I had to walk.
01:01:14Really?
01:01:15So, any effect?
01:01:16Yes.
01:01:17I've had to present this entire show with two penises.
01:01:21But then I have been doing that for 11 years.
01:01:24I mean...
01:01:25Anyway, right, the cars.
01:01:28Yes.
01:01:28The important bit.
01:01:29And the Fiesta is brilliant.
01:01:31Yes, I know it is.
01:01:32It saved my life.
01:01:33Yes, it did.
01:01:34Yeah, but the thing, we must remember, the Dacia Hammond is 10,000 pounds cheaper.
01:01:39Yes, because it's rubbish.
01:01:41No, but if you buy a small car, you want it to be cheap.
01:01:44No, you want it to be good.
01:01:46Actually, you want it to be both.
01:01:49Yeah, but the up is neither.
01:01:51Listen, May, you said the up was brilliant and intelligent.
01:01:56When did I say that?
01:01:57You wrote it in a road test in a magazine about 18 months ago.
01:02:00I was rather hoping you wouldn't have read that.
01:02:03Yes, but I think I did read it.
01:02:06So, once again, it turns out that on this show, I am the voice of reason and common sense.
01:02:11Really?
01:02:12Yes, and the up is the small car to buy.
01:02:16Not that one, though, because that's been irradiated.
01:02:18Yes, actually, Hammond, you are sitting on it, which means you now have a radioactive anus.
01:02:23Wow.
01:02:24And on that bum shell, it's time to end.
01:02:28Thank you so much for watching.
01:02:29See you next week.
01:02:30Good night.
01:02:31Catch Jeremy answering some of Stephen Fry's quite interesting questions on QI, available now on BBC iPlayer.
01:02:42Next here on BBC Two, will woollen duvets and a chocolate drink be sound investments in Dragon's Den?
01:02:49Over on BBC Three now, Russell Howard's good news.
01:02:51Good news.
01:03:01Good news.
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