- 3 months ago
In Episode 6 the presenters produce a TV-style advertisement for the Volkswagen Scirocco TDI and review the emotive Aston Martin V12 Vantage. Creativity, performance and Top Gear humour on full display.
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MotorTranscript
00:00:00MUSIC
00:00:11Tonight, I wear some goggles.
00:00:14Richard falls down a small slope.
00:00:17And James says hello to a man.
00:00:19All right, mate.
00:00:21MUSIC
00:00:27Hello, hello, good evening.
00:00:29Thank you, everybody.
00:00:31Thank you, thank you.
00:00:34Now, as we know, the real world where we all live
00:00:37is full of dreary cars like the Renault Scenic
00:00:40and the Toyota...
00:00:42whatever this is.
00:00:44Which is why.
00:00:46In the fantasy world that is Top Gear,
00:00:48we prefer to feature things that are a bit more exciting,
00:00:51a bit more dinosaur-ish.
00:01:01Our track.
00:01:03It's the natural home of the quad cam 84-litre carnivore.
00:01:09From the massive murcielago
00:01:12to the agile aerial raptor.
00:01:15We have them all.
00:01:17We even have a keeper capable of taming them.
00:01:22The Top Gear test track.
00:01:24It's Jurassic Park.
00:01:28This week, though, there are no T-Rexes.
00:01:31There are no raptors.
00:01:32There are none of those...
00:01:34spitty things.
00:01:36This week, Top Gear has gone all spring-watch.
00:01:39This is the new BMW Z4.
00:01:48It's not mid-engined.
00:01:52It isn't a fire-breathing monster
00:01:54that runs on brimstone and baby owls.
00:01:56It's just a common or garden sports car.
00:01:59I didn't like the old Z4.
00:02:01I thought it was too ugly,
00:02:03and mostly driven by people who spent their evenings wife swapping.
00:02:08I don't know why I thought that.
00:02:11It's just whenever I saw someone with a Z4,
00:02:14I thought, those car keys,
00:02:16I bet they spend less time in the ignition than they do in a pot
00:02:20round at Muriel's house.
00:02:24Given the choice, I'd have bought a Mercedes SLK instead.
00:02:28In fact, I did.
00:02:33This, however, is the new Z4.
00:02:35And while it may not be much of a looker
00:02:37with the new aluminium roof up,
00:02:42it is fantastic with it down.
00:02:48It's sort of umathermin-ish.
00:02:51Perfect.
00:02:53But you can't really explain why.
00:02:55It's the same story with the interior.
00:03:00It's very different to any other car,
00:03:02and that's good.
00:03:04And so's this.
00:03:10That long, priapic bonnet houses a three-litre engine
00:03:14which is boosted by two turbochargers.
00:03:21Actually, it doesn't feel like a pair of turbos.
00:03:25Feels like a pair of testes.
00:03:29Big, meaty ones.
00:03:33Obviously, it's not a Raptor,
00:03:34but since I'm now doing 140 miles an hour,
00:03:40it's not a cow either.
00:03:41The best thing about this car, though, is how it feels to drive.
00:03:51The old Z4 was too hard.
00:03:55Getting into it after a hard day at work was like getting home
00:03:58and flopping down on a sofa made out of Chuck Norris.
00:04:02This one, though.
00:04:04They've done what Lotus did with the Evora and Jaguar and the XF.
00:04:08They've softened it down.
00:04:10It's nice.
00:04:13Don't think, however, it's become a hopeless, wallowing herbivore.
00:04:16That intrinsic BMW-ness is still there.
00:04:30It's got that wonderful sense of when you turn into a corner
00:04:34that the whole car is pivoting around your hips.
00:04:40Who'd have thought I've come right down the food chain this week?
00:04:44I'm in Kate Humble's hedge, and I'm loving it!
00:04:47Today, I'd buy a Z4 over a Mercedes SLK in a heartbeat.
00:04:59In fact, I'd rather have one of these than almost any of the Top Gear dinosaurs.
00:05:06It is that good.
00:05:12Before we move on, though, there is another new car
00:05:14in the Springwatch section of Top Gear's Wildlife Park.
00:05:19Look! Look!
00:05:21There it is!
00:05:22That is a brown Datsy.
00:05:25I realise, of course, that you might think that here,
00:05:30in our world of pterodactyls and peacocks,
00:05:33it's a bit of a hen.
00:05:35But you should see what it can do.
00:05:37There it is!
00:05:43I'm hanging its tail out!
00:05:49I'm reveling in the short wheelbase,
00:05:53the taut rear-drive chassis.
00:05:55Mm-mm!
00:05:59Now I'm on the straight, and I've unleashed in 326 horsepower!
00:06:10Eat my exhaust fumes, dinosaur!
00:06:13This is the new Nissan 370Z GT.
00:06:21A shortened, lightened, more powerful version of the old 350.
00:06:27Prices start at £27,000, and that makes it very cheap.
00:06:32Especially when you look at all the equipment it has.
00:06:35I've even got something called a synchro rev-match system, okay?
00:06:46So, I'm in fourth gear, yes?
00:06:48Want to change down to second.
00:06:50You hear that?
00:06:52It revs the engine, so the road speed is matched to the revs.
00:06:55Makes the change smoother.
00:06:57That's very simple and very clever.
00:07:01I like that.
00:07:03As a heart-starter, this thing eats the BMW for breakfast.
00:07:10It's got 26 more horsepower for a kick-off.
00:07:14It's a lot more exciting as well, somehow.
00:07:22And even this GT version with leather seats and the Rev-O-Matic gearbox
00:07:28is five and a bit £1,000 cheaper.
00:07:30This is a racing hen!
00:07:40There is just one problem with it, however.
00:07:44It's very nasty.
00:07:48It's fine here on the track, but on the road it's so hard and harsh.
00:07:53It's also very noisy.
00:07:57And it's not a nice noise, either.
00:08:03I'd rather listen to my own firing squad.
00:08:07The worst thing about this car, though, is that if you had one,
00:08:11you'd never get invited to a wife-swapping party.
00:08:13People would think you were a bit...oddy.
00:08:17It's not really.
00:08:18It's just...it's not really a car.
00:08:22It's just...it's not really a car.
00:08:24It's not really a car.
00:08:25It's not really a car.
00:08:28Like this.
00:08:29Oh.
00:08:30I love it!
00:08:32It's not...someone...
00:08:33Honestly, if somebody said to me,
00:08:34you have to have one of these for the rest of your life.
00:08:36I would be delighted.
00:08:37Fine. No, it is great.
00:08:38I love it.
00:08:39It's a brilliant car.
00:08:40However, we must now find out how fast this, and indeed the hen,
00:08:43go round our track.
00:08:44Which, of course, means handing them over to our tame racing driver.
00:08:48Some say that on Thursdays he becomes incredibly bulbous.
00:08:53And that, recently, pigs in Mexico have started to die of something called Stig Flu.
00:09:05All we know is he's highly contagious.
00:09:10And they're off!
00:09:11Now, I have to say, these cars are not really comparable.
00:09:14The Nissan is loud and aggressive.
00:09:15The BMW more day-to-day.
00:09:18But they both look tidy through the first corner there.
00:09:21Yep, no problems at all.
00:09:30Oh, dear.
00:09:31It sounds like two sets of bagpipe music there.
00:09:33Hard to tell, really, with bagpipes.
00:09:36Anyway, we're around Chicago nicely.
00:09:39Coming up to Hammerhead.
00:09:41Looks like the BMW might be having a bit of understeer there.
00:09:44Yes, it is!
00:09:46But at least he's okay with the gear change,
00:09:47because the Stig's in the automatic.
00:09:49Which BMW say is actually Feister.
00:09:58Same to Scotland there.
00:10:00Follow through.
00:10:01Oh, word, now the BMW's gone over still.
00:10:04I've never seen that there before.
00:10:05Nissan has no problem at all.
00:10:08Two corners left.
00:10:09BMW kicking out its tail again.
00:10:12Nissan rather boring in comparison.
00:10:14But, oh, yes, now look at it.
00:10:16It's showboating.
00:10:17And there we go.
00:10:18And across the line.
00:10:20There we go.
00:10:21Aha!
00:10:22Here we have the Nissan look.
00:10:23The Nissan did it in one minute 27.5.
00:10:33And the BMW, one minute 28.2.
00:10:38So that goes there.
00:10:40There.
00:10:41So what we're saying here really is buy the BMW because it's slower, less exciting, more expensive and less well equipped.
00:10:52And now the news.
00:10:54And the big news this week.
00:10:55The government wants to put up signs on the motorway telling drivers to pull over at the next junction, get out and swap their car for public transport.
00:11:04Which is kind of puzzling, because why would you, when you're in a car already, want to stop and then get on the train?
00:11:10I don't...
00:11:11It's like going to the cinema and then putting a sign on the screen saying,
00:11:14Have you thought about reading a book?
00:11:15Yes, it's too late.
00:11:16You've made up your much harm in the cinema.
00:11:18What are the signs going to say?
00:11:19Don't need to be on time or anywhere near where you actually want to go.
00:11:22The railway station is next left.
00:11:25Something missing from your daily commute.
00:11:27Yes, a foul smell from a stranger sitting next.
00:11:29I don't know what they're going to tempt us to do now.
00:11:31I tell you what.
00:11:32You know, the government announced earlier this week that 60,000 people are going to be laid waste by swine flu.
00:11:38So what they ought to be telling us is, under no circumstances, use public transport.
00:11:43Well, that's just the point.
00:11:44Yes, you're right.
00:11:45Funny thing is, okay, swine flu's getting a bad press.
00:11:49Well...
00:11:50Have you noticed that?
00:11:51I mean, no, it is.
00:11:52They're saying, oh, it's bad for the economy because no one will buy anything and there'll be a lot of absentees.
00:11:57But, look at it this way.
00:11:59Parking spaces for the rest of us will be easier to find.
00:12:02That's a good point.
00:12:04Now, you know, I've been saying for years and years and years that Porsches are getting uglier and uglier.
00:12:07Cayman, Cayenne, Coxta and that thing you were driving the other day, the Panamera.
00:12:11Panamera, yeah.
00:12:12I've worked out why they're now so ugly, okay?
00:12:15I've got a photograph here of the managing director of Lamborghini.
00:12:19Why don't you look at him?
00:12:20He looks like a male model.
00:12:21Look at him.
00:12:22He's absolutely magnificent to behold.
00:12:25I've got a photograph also of the managing director of Ferrari.
00:12:28More than that, she runs Fiat.
00:12:29Look at that.
00:12:30Dashing.
00:12:31Fashion and glamorous.
00:12:32I've also got a photograph of the man who runs Porsche.
00:12:35Here he is.
00:12:38And if he likes that moustache, which he does because he's grown it on his own face, that would explain why he looked at the Panamera and went,
00:12:46yes, that's a good-looking car, we should make that.
00:12:50On a sort of serious motoring note, it is rumoured, this is business, that VW might buy Porsche.
00:12:56Then that bodes well because VW can make a good-looking car, a good-looking sports car.
00:13:00Yes.
00:13:01In fact, remarkably, there's one in the studio.
00:13:03It's over there.
00:13:04It's the VW Blue Sport.
00:13:06Now, that's mid-engined.
00:13:07It's got a two-litre diesel engine in it to start with.
00:13:09They'll put some petrol in later.
00:13:11Yeah, there's a 60% chance they'll make it.
00:13:13And if that happens, it'll be in about two years.
00:13:15It's worth having a look at.
00:13:16And the great thing about that is, you look at it, you go, it's not very practical.
00:13:19It's got a diesel engine, you know, all of those things, but it's incredibly beautiful.
00:13:23And as a result, I would like to buy one.
00:13:25Now, there's a new Range Rover.
00:13:28We had it in the studio last week, okay?
00:13:30It's got a new bumper and a new engine.
00:13:31That's not important.
00:13:32What is important, okay, is it's got cameras in each of its headlamps looking forwards,
00:13:36one on the back looking backwards, and two on either side looking down.
00:13:39Yeah, these are so when you're off-roading you can see, like, tree stumps and bears that might be in your way.
00:13:43That's right.
00:13:44Now, they feed the picture to the screen, okay, you're sat on that screen,
00:13:47but it doesn't turn off when you're going along on the road.
00:13:50And you've got all different cameras on there?
00:13:52Yes.
00:13:53It's honestly, you're sitting in there, you've got five different feeds coming in,
00:13:55but you can choose which one you want.
00:13:57It's like being a sports director at Wimbledon.
00:13:59Wow.
00:14:00Choosing which one you want.
00:14:01You think, I'm coming up to the crest of a hill, I'll have that one, yeah, nice,
00:14:03then you go to the reverse.
00:14:04And then you go to the backwards one and put your foot down, you get the exhaust noise.
00:14:06Nice.
00:14:07It looks fantastic.
00:14:08Isn't it a bit distracting?
00:14:09Oh, God, it's unbelievable.
00:14:11You know, you're not allowed to talk on a mobile phone these days,
00:14:15but nowadays you can direct Ben-Hur while you're going along.
00:14:18It's just, and I haven't even got to the best bit, okay, because I got into London the other day,
00:14:22going up Holland Park, very pretty girl in the car behind, yeah?
00:14:25Very pretty, switched to rear camera, and then I found you can zoom in on parts of the girl in the car behind.
00:14:34So it's got like...
00:14:35Letch-o-matic.
00:14:36That's fantastic.
00:14:37That's fantastic.
00:14:38And a lot of traffic lights are going red, green, red, green, like...
00:14:42It was just fantastic.
00:14:45Now, last week, a piano was accidentally dropped on a Morris Marina as we were filming it.
00:14:52Yeah, now, last time this happened, the Morris Marina Owners Club,
00:14:55which is like the provisional wing of the Morris men, were absolutely furious.
00:15:00Yeah, they were.
00:15:01Yeah, they were.
00:15:02Actually, there's been a lot of internet activity on the Morris chat room.
00:15:04I'm going to send an email to the BBC, and I don't care if they don't read it.
00:15:11Now, that's what they said last time, okay?
00:15:13This time, getting worse.
00:15:15They said they're going to get physical.
00:15:17I'm quoting now, one of them says, and I'm not making this up,
00:15:20If I see Jeremy Clarkson in the street, I will poo into my hand and throw it at him.
00:15:25What, they'll poo into their own hands?
00:15:30Yes.
00:15:31What's a stupid way of getting someone?
00:15:33It's like an assassin lining up on the target and shooting them through his own head.
00:15:37Bang!
00:15:38It's revolting.
00:15:39Now, the thing is, okay, last week when we were making the film, you probably saw, okay, out in France,
00:15:44there was some doubt as to who actually owned the car that you ended up driving.
00:15:48Was it the wife of the president of the Morris Marina Owners Club?
00:15:51Or was it the wife of the president of France, who of course is Carla Bruni?
00:15:55Well, that was cleared up this week because Carla Bruni went to Nelson Bandela's birthday party in New York,
00:16:01where she sang a song which clears everything up.
00:16:04When the time is stopped, the horrors are falling.
00:16:09The minutes of frisson and the ennui make a naufrage.
00:16:14It seems that my arms are becoming a horror.
00:16:18That every time that flies, I can touch the sky.
00:16:21That every time that flies, I can touch the sky.
00:16:24Now we know your history.
00:16:37Now, we are constantly being told, mostly by people who wear slacks,
00:16:42that classic cars are more fun than modern ones.
00:16:45You see, there's a yes over there.
00:16:47The thing is, though, we weren't sure.
00:16:49So, the producers gave each of us £3,000
00:16:52and told us to go to a classic car auction in Kings Lynn,
00:16:55which is famous for being nowhere near anywhere else in the world.
00:17:01Yeah, and they said that we could buy absolutely anything we wanted,
00:17:04as long as it was built before 1982.
00:17:06And then, when we had cars,
00:17:07there would be not the usual series of small challenges, but one big one.
00:17:14After a 2,000-mile drive, we arrived at the wrong place.
00:17:19And then the right one, where inside the shed...
00:17:23All right, mate.
00:17:24..there were many cars to choose from.
00:17:28The Teesside Yesteryear Motor Club.
00:17:30How much do I not want to go out for dinner with anyone who's a member of that?
00:17:37Yeah, 68 Daimler.
00:17:40It's a V8, but a tiny capacity, so a busy little engine.
00:17:44And too expensive, unless it goes cheap.
00:17:46You never know.
00:17:49As the start time neared, we took our seats.
00:17:52This is the first time I've ever been to a car auction.
00:17:54It's fantastically exciting.
00:17:56Just because you don't know what you...
00:17:57He could leave with anything.
00:17:58At auctions in the past, normally I'm the one at the back,
00:18:01drunk out of my mind, bidding for signed rugby balls.
00:18:03Those are charity auctions, aren't they?
00:18:08Ladies and gentlemen, we will now get the first car in.
00:18:10Here we go, here we go, here we go.
00:18:12What is that?
00:18:13A London taxi.
00:18:14A Lanchester Ultra...
00:18:16And a Lanchester?
00:18:17LJ2...
00:18:181953.
00:18:19No documents, conditions three.
00:18:21No documents.
00:18:22Where are you going to start with this one?
00:18:24500, quickly.
00:18:25500, 500.
00:18:26Thank you, sir.
00:18:27500...
00:18:28What are you doing?
00:18:29Let's get on with it.
00:18:30It's the first one.
00:18:31Yes, I'm doing what I used to do in nightclubs in Yorkshire.
00:18:34500, 700...
00:18:35I'm going ugly early.
00:18:36800...
00:18:37You're going, you get the first one you can.
00:18:391,000 bidder, 1,000 bidder.
00:18:40It's a car.
00:18:41I'm after it.
00:18:421,000 pounds.
00:18:43Give it to me.
00:18:44Thank you, sir.
00:18:45You bought it?
00:18:46You're the first one.
00:18:47Look at the back of it.
00:18:49What do you mean, go ugly early?
00:18:53Because you go in.
00:18:54I've been doing it in nightclubs.
00:18:55When I was in Ripon as a kid,
00:18:57you'd walk into the nightclub,
00:18:58first girl that's breathing in and out,
00:19:00walk up to her,
00:19:01I love how you're doing.
00:19:02You're pulled.
00:19:03That's it.
00:19:04Job done.
00:19:05Your mates thinking,
00:19:06oh, in a minute Ursula Andrews is going to turn up,
00:19:07and she didn't.
00:19:08We're stuck.
00:19:09The next lot was a tasty Ford Cortina.
00:19:12Hang on, hang on.
00:19:13On my right, 220, 20, 40,
00:19:15240, 60, 60, 80, 282, 80, 300,
00:19:18323, 234.
00:19:19Are you bid?
00:19:20You're still in it.
00:19:2124, 24, 44.
00:19:22I'm not sure I want a convers...
00:19:23I want a conversable.
00:19:24Oh, have it.
00:19:26If you're chicken out now,
00:19:27you're not going to get it.
00:19:28Come on.
00:19:29Come on.
00:19:30530.
00:19:31Quickly, 540.
00:19:32No, I'm hanging on.
00:19:33I'm hanging on.
00:19:35Several terrible cars came and went.
00:19:38What the hell's this?
00:19:39It's an Austin 7.
00:19:40I'm not interested.
00:19:42It's an Austin 7.
00:19:43Then, finally, a convertible alive.
00:19:4469.
00:19:45Hang on.
00:19:462,000.
00:19:47And Top Gear's auction new boy went mad.
00:19:493,4, 2,5, 2,6, 2,9, at 2,9, 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000.
00:19:573,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3,000, at 3
00:20:27still refuse to buy.
00:20:29You will see my patience will be rewarded.
00:20:31Spitfire, sports...
00:20:33Come on, James, do you want to spitfire? No, I don't.
00:20:35James, it's in budget. You like the colour. Bid.
00:20:39James was being so stubborn, I decided to bid on his behalf.
00:20:43$1450. $1500.
00:20:45Did you just bid on that, you half-witch?
00:20:47With that.
00:20:51James, I'm warning you. If you don't buy something in a minute, this is mine.
00:20:55It's a Bristol, but it's got the wrong engine, so it's not worth much.
00:20:59Watch this. Someone start me 5,000 to get me away.
00:21:025,000 a bit.
00:21:035,2, 5,4, 5,6...
00:21:05Well, that's huge stuff then, isn't it?
00:21:076,2, 6,4...
00:21:09I wanted that.
00:21:116,8, 7,000...
00:21:13Captain Cautious, what are you going to do now?
00:21:15You're starting now to look like you're in trouble.
00:21:17There's plenty more stuff coming through.
00:21:19Ladies and gentlemen, we're now coming up to the last lot.
00:21:23What?
00:21:24The very last lot.
00:21:25What?
00:21:27Oh, jeez.
00:21:29Come on, mate.
00:21:31Now it's...
00:21:32It'll look good.
00:21:33It's nice.
00:21:34I don't want that.
00:21:35I don't want that.
00:21:36Seriously, what do we do?
00:21:37Because I don't want Citroen.
00:21:38I don't want it.
00:21:39550, 600, 700...
00:21:41You've got a bid, mate.
00:21:42750, 800...
00:21:43You've got no title.
00:21:44You've got no title.
00:21:45900 quid.
00:21:46Bid.
00:21:471,050, 1,050, 1,150, 1,150, 1,150, 1,250, 1,250, 1,200...
00:21:52Oh, God.
00:21:53You've got to buy it, mate.
00:21:54Biers.
00:21:551,250, 1,450...
00:21:56It's a lovely colour.
00:21:581,450, 1,500, 1,500...
00:22:001,500.
00:22:011,500.
00:22:021,500.
00:22:03Nice.
00:22:04Oh, yes.
00:22:05Worth every penny.
00:22:07It was time to inspect what we bought.
00:22:10Look at it in here.
00:22:12It's like driving around in a radiogram.
00:22:15Listen to that.
00:22:17This has not got an MOT, has it?
00:22:21Well, I'll book it in and get a ticket on it.
00:22:23The first thing they're going to say is, you're running on...
00:22:25Three.
00:22:26Three.
00:22:27Three.
00:22:28Yeah, three.
00:22:29It's good.
00:22:30We'll get the fourth one going and it'll be fine.
00:22:32I'm very confident.
00:22:33This is a classic.
00:22:34And it was a damn sight bigger than Jeremy's classic.
00:22:38This is going to be a remarkable thing, watching you fold yourself into a midget.
00:22:42It isn't a midget.
00:22:43It is.
00:22:44It's an Austin Healey.
00:22:45Built in...
00:22:46It's not...
00:22:47It's a hairy-chested man's car.
00:22:49No, that's the big Healey.
00:22:51This is a little, tiny Healey, built in the same factory as the MG Midget.
00:22:55The only difference between this and a midget is an MG badge.
00:23:00Oh.
00:23:01Here, let me help you.
00:23:03Yeah, you see.
00:23:05Hang on.
00:23:06Let's do this scientifically.
00:23:07There's the top of the windscreen.
00:23:09Still, at least my car wasn't medieval.
00:23:12In 1977, you couldn't drink the water in France and they hadn't heard of an ignition key.
00:23:19How about that?
00:23:22What a dismal racket.
00:23:25It was time to receive our challenge.
00:23:29You have been entered in a classic time trial rally on the Sunshine Island of Majorca.
00:23:36Ah!
00:23:37Majorca means...
00:23:39Bad food, prawn shells and everything.
00:23:42Driving on the other side of the road.
00:23:44Oh, they do.
00:23:45They drive on the wrong side of the road.
00:23:46And my steering wheel's on the wrong side of the car.
00:23:48Okay, so you have two weeks to prepare your cars and ship them there.
00:23:53For a classic time...
00:23:54Time trial.
00:23:55I know what they are.
00:23:56My wife does these.
00:23:57They're those ones where you have to get from A to B on difficult roads,
00:24:01and you have to average a certain speed, which is within the speed limit,
00:24:04but you have to average it.
00:24:05We are talking some properly anal stuff here.
00:24:09How do you make a car ready for a rally?
00:24:11I don't know.
00:24:14To find out, we took our cars for a spin.
00:24:18So, forks. Let's just go through the forks.
00:24:21That window won't wind up. No big deal.
00:24:23And the hood here, where it doesn't fit properly.
00:24:26Other than those tiny things, it's ready to rally, this one.
00:24:36Power!
00:24:3832 horsepower, to be precise.
00:24:41While waiting for a booking at the MOT centre, I discovered something amazing.
00:24:48Hold on a second.
00:24:50My grandad worked at Mulliners, the coachbuilders.
00:24:55And in the 1950s, when he was there, they were making Hillman Humber Standard and Lanchester.
00:25:02This car's 1953.
00:25:04So my grandad built this car.
00:25:07This actual car.
00:25:09He was working at Mulliners when it was...
00:25:11And this is what he did.
00:25:12He was a coachbuilder.
00:25:13He built this car.
00:25:14While Richard was having his who-do-you-think-you-are moment, I was not very far away.
00:25:22Still not going very fast.
00:25:240 to 60.
00:25:25I'll give you a few seconds to have an educated guess.
00:25:30No.
00:25:3131.7 seconds.
00:25:33Meanwhile, I was getting acquainted with grandad's craftsmanship.
00:25:38Oh, God.
00:25:393rd isn't working.
00:25:40Oh, hell.
00:25:41No.
00:25:42I can't get anything past 2nd.
00:25:43No.
00:25:44Grandad didn't do the gearbox.
00:25:45That's a Daimler gearbox.
00:25:46Sorry.
00:25:47This armrest.
00:25:48It's adjustable.
00:25:49Adjust it up a bit.
00:25:50Oh.
00:25:51My grandad didn't build that bit.
00:25:52That was somebody else.
00:25:53Day off, maybe.
00:25:54Eventually, I made it to the MOT centre.
00:25:57Oh.
00:25:58My grandad didn't build that bit.
00:26:00That was somebody else.
00:26:01Day off, maybe.
00:26:03Eventually, I made it to the MOT centre.
00:26:07Meanwhile, in the Healey.
00:26:08God, it's even got quick steering.
00:26:09Everybody knows a horror story about someone who bought a car at an auction.
00:26:25But what you have here is a fairy story.
00:26:30Quite by accident, I've bought a genuinely brilliant little car.
00:26:36Unlike Richard, whose MOT inspection was now finished.
00:26:40Well, you've got a hydraulic pipe that goes to the floating master cylinder.
00:26:45And that's actually leaking fluid quite badly.
00:26:47Yeah.
00:26:48In fact, it's the one you've got here with it.
00:26:49OK.
00:26:50OK.
00:26:51The nearside front trunnion top and bottom is badly worn.
00:26:53The other side is falling quite closely behind it.
00:26:56The brakes, unfortunately, on the back are about 83% out of balance.
00:27:00You've got a brake hose which goes to the mast cylinder, which is floating, which is actually
00:27:03pouring fluid out of it.
00:27:04The shackles on the back, the spring hangers, I'm afraid they're in very bad condition as well.
00:27:09Most of the shackle pins and bits and pieces are very badly worn indeed.
00:27:13And there are split pins missing.
00:27:14Oh, God.
00:27:15No headlights on it.
00:27:16They've disappeared as well.
00:27:18Thank you so much.
00:27:19Come on then, Hammonds.
00:27:20Come on, fellas.
00:27:21How bad, how bad was it?
00:27:23That's what came back.
00:27:24I've had worse than that.
00:27:25Oh, God.
00:27:26I mean, that's the actual list.
00:27:27That's the list of everything that was wrong with Grandad's...
00:27:28Yes.
00:27:29Oh, that's enormous.
00:27:30But anyway, we'll pick that up later on.
00:27:31But now, it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
00:27:34Yes, it is.
00:27:35Now, my guest tonight has sold more records than the Beatles.
00:27:38But the extraordinary thing is, I bet almost none of you have ever heard of him.
00:27:42He is the lead singer.
00:27:43He is the lead singer.
00:27:44How bad was it?
00:27:45How bad was it?
00:27:46That's what came back.
00:27:47I've had worse than that.
00:27:48Oh, God.
00:27:49I mean, that's the actual list.
00:27:50That is the list of everything that was wrong with Grandad's...
00:27:51Yes.
00:27:52Oh, that's enormous.
00:27:53Anyway, we'll pick that up later on.
00:27:54But now, it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
00:27:56Yes, it is.
00:27:57Now, my guest tonight has sold more records than the Beatles.
00:28:00He is the lead singer with ACDC.
00:28:02Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Johnson!
00:28:08I can't believe you're all here.
00:28:10What a star you've come.
00:28:12Fantastic.
00:28:14Have yourself a seat, Brian.
00:28:19I am, I am properly fascinated by how you've achieved it.
00:28:22Because everybody knows Jagger, Daltrey, David Van Day.
00:28:27You know, everybody knows the lead singers.
00:28:30With these big bands.
00:28:31No.
00:28:32But, Brian Johnson, how have you managed to stay anonymous?
00:28:35Uh, I think the band, it's just the way we do things.
00:28:38You know, we stay under the radar.
00:28:40You don't, I mean, you never see you on anything.
00:28:42You never at a glittering gala do.
00:28:43You never at Elton John's, white tied to you.
00:28:45Oh, no, you wouldn't be, actually.
00:28:46Now, looking at that.
00:28:48Because when I said, oh, Brian Johnson's coming on the show this week to friends,
00:28:50they went, what, the cricket bloke?
00:28:52He's dead.
00:28:53That's Brian Johnston.
00:28:55I know, I mean, so.
00:28:56But we enjoy keeping quiet.
00:28:58You know, we can live a normal life, you know.
00:29:00Now, I've got to say, is this right?
00:29:02Black Hawk Down, obviously we've seen the film.
00:29:04Uh-huh.
00:29:05But it was used as well, wasn't it, ACDC?
00:29:07Well, Mike, the guy that was the helicopter pilot that went down,
00:29:11and he'd been shot, and he'd been beaten, and they put him in a cell.
00:29:15And, you know, he thought he was finished, you know.
00:29:19They kept coming in and beating him and all that.
00:29:21And his pals knew that ACDC was his favourite band,
00:29:24so they hooked a big speaker on the skid of a helicopter,
00:29:27and they played Back in Black, and Hell's Bells,
00:29:31and they flew over the city, and he dragged himself up
00:29:34and took his shirt off and waved it out the window
00:29:37so they knew where he was, and I went down and got him.
00:29:40That's a fantastic story.
00:29:42And he's a good friend, you know, we're talking to each other.
00:29:44You know, it's good when stuff like that happens.
00:29:47No, that is a fantastic story.
00:29:49And we could rap about ACDC for some considerable time,
00:29:53but you're here because you are a massive, massive car fan, is that not?
00:29:59Oh, I'm nuts. Since I was a kid, you know,
00:30:02me father knew there was something wrong with us,
00:30:04when I'd be walking down the street going,
00:30:06Joe Javelin, you know, and it just drove him nuts,
00:30:10so he went to the scrapyard and he got a steering wheel,
00:30:13and he stuck a stick through it, and he put it through me bed head
00:30:16and put some pillars on it, and he said,
00:30:18there you go, go on. And I sat there.
00:30:20Well, you said that's a car?
00:30:21It was, and that was me car. Yeah, it was brilliant.
00:30:23I thought there was wallpaper there. I couldn't see it.
00:30:26I just saw the rest of the world. I just drove for hours.
00:30:29And so, presumably, as soon as, I mean, obviously,
00:30:31we're talking here about good, honest, salt-of-the-earth,
00:30:33working-class Geordi upbringing.
00:30:35Yeah. The original cars that you finally got
00:30:37once you were old enough, they were all, what,
00:30:39the cheerful, colourful, breaking down a lot of stuff.
00:30:41Ah, my first one, which was fabulous,
00:30:43it was a Ford Popular, I sit up and beg,
00:30:46which had a beige exterior and a salmon pink interior.
00:30:50I'm telling you, but it was, it was mine, you know,
00:30:53it was freedom, it was brilliant.
00:30:55And you presumably go through the mini phase as well
00:30:57at that point.
00:30:58Mini phase was very important because then
00:31:00you didn't have to hide the Ford Popular
00:31:02around the corner when you went to parties.
00:31:04That's true. Because it was...
00:31:05The mini was cool.
00:31:06Was it a Cooper or something?
00:31:07No, it, I tried to make it look like a Cooper.
00:31:10I put them little spready things on the back wheels,
00:31:12the stairs, and I put go-faster stripes on, you know.
00:31:15Yeah, yeah.
00:31:16But it had Slade and Winders.
00:31:18And they were very handy.
00:31:20With the girls in the back, you know.
00:31:22You could get...
00:31:28I know what you mean.
00:31:31I'm sorry.
00:31:34Now, and then, so, obviously then ACDC came along.
00:31:37Yes.
00:31:38Yes, sir.
00:31:39So what did you get?
00:31:40Heavy metal band, heavy metal cars?
00:31:41Well, I did, you know, I loved me classics.
00:31:44I bought an old Triumph Roadster, you know, in 1948.
00:31:48And now I drive a 1928 Bentley Le Mans 4 1⁄2 litre.
00:31:55Bloody hell, really?
00:31:56Yeah.
00:31:57So when you say drive, I mean, do you use it every day?
00:31:59Yeah, I go for the paper in it, you know.
00:32:01I just, you know, it's just the way I...
00:32:03That's the one with the...
00:32:04That's got the throttle pedal in the...
00:32:05In the middle.
00:32:06In the middle, yeah.
00:32:07Yeah, that's a bugger.
00:32:09Oh!
00:32:10Because suddenly, you know, when you go around the corner,
00:32:12I go, and I just brake, oh, bugger!
00:32:15It can tighten your bottom a bit.
00:32:17It makes your arse go like a rabbit's nose.
00:32:22Do you have a favourite road?
00:32:24Is that something you still...
00:32:25Because I also get fed up where people say,
00:32:27I don't know what the point of a nice car is,
00:32:28there's nowhere nice to drive in.
00:32:29Yes.
00:32:30Because there still is.
00:32:31There's a lovely drive between Newcastle and Carlisle.
00:32:34There's a place called Hayden Bridge.
00:32:35And if you turn left there, and you go up to Alston,
00:32:38and down the other side into the Lake District,
00:32:40it's probably one of the most beautiful drives.
00:32:42Do you know the Butter Tubs Pass?
00:32:44North Yorkshire?
00:32:45No, no, no.
00:32:46Every time I've got to the other end of it,
00:32:47I've always had to get out and pee on the brakes.
00:32:49Do you know?
00:32:50Yeah, just...
00:32:51I got a story to beat that.
00:32:52We were playing at this big airport in Moscow, in Russia,
00:32:55when the coup happened,
00:32:57and Yeltsin was on top of the tank,
00:32:59and he promised all the kids,
00:33:01he said, thanks for helping,
00:33:02because, you know, they helped.
00:33:03He said, what do you want?
00:33:05And they said, we want rock and roll, SADC.
00:33:07So we went over,
00:33:08and there was about a million people there.
00:33:10I mean, it was the biggest...
00:33:11A million?
00:33:12Yeah.
00:33:13And there was 30,000 armed guards to look after them,
00:33:17and it was getting darker,
00:33:18and I just burst for a pee.
00:33:20And I went outside, and I thought,
00:33:22oh, this was this little plinth,
00:33:24like a concrete plinth,
00:33:25and I'm standing there going,
00:33:26ah!
00:33:27And these two guards were...
00:33:29They were real upset,
00:33:32and the translator came,
00:33:33and I just pissed on Sputnik.
00:33:37But it was just this black ball, you know?
00:33:39I didn't realize what it was, and, you know...
00:33:41Oh, bless.
00:33:42Yeah, I...
00:33:43So what's your day-to-day wheels now?
00:33:45Uh, Phantom.
00:33:47Oh, my...
00:33:48My favorite car in a whole wide world.
00:33:50Twelve funnels of fun there, Jazza.
00:33:54It is the most fantabulous piece of engineering.
00:33:57Ever.
00:33:58When I turned 60,
00:33:59I thought to myself,
00:34:00I'm gonna give myself something special.
00:34:01Are you over 60?
00:34:02I'm 62 in October.
00:34:05Cool!
00:34:06I'm impressed.
00:34:07I'm impressed.
00:34:08I am very impressed.
00:34:09Rock and roll has suited you.
00:34:11Yeah, I...
00:34:12Anyway, obviously, we could sit here and talk cars,
00:34:15and I'd be happy to do that literally all day long.
00:34:18But, of course, you came down to do your lap.
00:34:20Now, how was it?
00:34:21The best time I've had since I started the tour.
00:34:24I've been sitting in the back of a car since last September,
00:34:27getting driven everywhere.
00:34:28So I just had a great time, so...
00:34:30Well, now...
00:34:31A good time.
00:34:32Who here would like to see Brian's lap?
00:34:35Yeah!
00:34:36Okay!
00:34:37Let's, er...
00:34:38Let's play the tape.
00:34:39Let's have a look how you got on.
00:34:40Oh!
00:34:41How you got on.
00:34:42Okay.
00:34:43Is you ill, so is you ain't my baby.
00:34:47Let's see if this love of cars translates into an ability to drive one.
00:34:51Let's have a...
00:34:52That's...
00:34:53Yeah.
00:34:54Stabbing that one in nicely through...
00:34:55Ooh, I say it.
00:34:56That was good.
00:34:57Was it?
00:34:58Oh, yeah.
00:34:59Nice and easy.
00:35:00Like gravy.
00:35:01Wouldn't have thought gravy was easy, but there we are.
00:35:05That's tidy as well.
00:35:06No real problems there.
00:35:08Keep it coming, sir.
00:35:10Right, sir.
00:35:11You only have been smooth and violent at the same time.
00:35:14Yes.
00:35:15Which is quite an achievement.
00:35:16That's back...
00:35:17Look at...
00:35:18That's perfect.
00:35:19That is bang on.
00:35:20Ooh, you must remember this.
00:35:24Concentrate.
00:35:26No need to ask if you're flat out through there, I'm guessing.
00:35:29Yeah.
00:35:30It is!
00:35:31And now we're coming up to the second to last corner.
00:35:33That's beautifully done.
00:35:34Gambon, is that going to catch you out?
00:35:35No!
00:35:36There we are!
00:35:37That's right.
00:35:38That's right.
00:35:39That's a quick answer.
00:35:40I'm not just saying it, that because it looks like it was when Alan MacArthur came here, you
00:35:57here you know there's that not dramatic but it just looked quick so ah where do you think i
00:36:03wouldn't bother looking down here i think we've got reasonably anywhere in a second middle
00:36:10sort of what this yeah just with the well-spoken man and Hugh Grant and so on that would be nice
00:36:15well i've got the time there yeah so what are we looking at jk is up at the top 145 8 kevin
00:36:21mcleod simon cowell 145 nines so brian johnson the man nobody had ever heard of
00:36:30you did it in well one yeah 40.
00:36:39you're killing his
00:36:42five
00:36:430.9
00:36:51you
00:36:53the second fastest hand
00:36:55Brian Johnson, everybody!
00:36:57Hey!
00:36:58A take-up!
00:36:59A take-up!
00:37:01A take-up!
00:37:03Exactly the same.
00:37:07Kevin MacLeod, a friend of mine, Simon Cowell, Brian Johnson, a 1.25...
00:37:12Ah, brilliant. Thank you, sir.
00:37:13JK will have just babbled himself.
00:37:17I have so enjoyed having you here today.
00:37:19I'm just amazed how many gifts God bestowed you with.
00:37:21Oh, great singing voice, nice chap,
00:37:24anonymity, and now can drive a car like an angel.
00:37:27Wow, thanks.
00:37:28Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Johnson!
00:37:32What a man!
00:37:34What a man!
00:37:36What a man!
00:37:37Well done.
00:37:45Now, earlier on, we bought three classic cars from an auction.
00:37:48A 1953 Lanchester, a 1977 Citroen Ami 8,
00:37:52and a 1969 MG Midget.
00:37:55It's a Hayley!
00:37:56It's a midget.
00:37:57It's just a midget.
00:37:58Anyway, we then discovered, after we'd bought the cars,
00:38:00that we had just two weeks and hardly any money
00:38:03to get them ready for something called a regularity time trial rally,
00:38:08which was in Majorca.
00:38:10Sadly, Hammond had spent all his budget, and lots more besides,
00:38:19getting the Lanchester his grandad had built to work.
00:38:23But for once, Jeremy had done a good job, and as usual, so had I.
00:38:29However, before we could get going, we were given new instructions.
00:38:34On a classic rally, you need a co-driver
00:38:37to operate the timing gear and read the maps.
00:38:39But don't worry, the producers have provided one for each of you.
00:38:45They've provided.
00:38:46I'm not worried.
00:38:47My betting is these co-drivers, whatever we've got in our mind now,
00:38:52I'm not certain is what...
00:38:53That's not what they'll have provided.
00:38:58We weren't wrong.
00:39:00James had been given Madison Welch a glamour model.
00:39:04Hello.
00:39:05Who has no interest at all in classic rallying.
00:39:08Have you honestly not done it?
00:39:09I thought you did it as a hobby or something.
00:39:11No, I've never done this.
00:39:12Seriously?
00:39:13Serious.
00:39:15For me, things just keep getting better,
00:39:18because this is my co-driver.
00:39:19His name's Joan Verger.
00:39:21He is the president of the Balearic Motorsport Federation
00:39:25and an ex-Seat Works driver.
00:39:28So, presumably, you know the roads up in the north
00:39:31like the back of your hand.
00:39:34The mountain roads.
00:39:36Do you speak?
00:39:38Don't tell me he doesn't speak.
00:39:40Please don't.
00:39:41I don't understand.
00:39:43I don't understand.
00:39:52Richard, meanwhile, had been given a keen amateur mechanic
00:39:55called Brian Wheeler.
00:40:01Brian!
00:40:02No, that's...
00:40:03It does that.
00:40:04It's fine.
00:40:05You have to imagine this in a rallying situation,
00:40:07so the idea is...
00:40:08We get points deducted for being early or late
00:40:11at the checkpoints we have to get to.
00:40:13But I can't see.
00:40:15Grandad didn't think of that when he built it.
00:40:19The co-drivers didn't fill us with much confidence,
00:40:21and then we saw the cars we'd be up against.
00:40:24There were Lancia Stratos'ers, Mustangs, Corvettes, and endless Porsches.
00:40:34Ten 9-11s, eleven, twelve, thirteen 9-11s.
00:40:36I've never seen so many 9-11s.
00:40:37But we've got...
00:40:38This Mustang is in our category.
00:40:40Oh, my God!
00:40:41How am I going to compete against that?
00:40:43And then we got even more bad news.
00:40:46Was it fun?
00:40:47Absolutely fantastic.
00:40:48You've had a great day.
00:40:49We've had a great day, yeah.
00:40:51Well, when did it start?
00:40:52Last night was the first stage, and then this morning at 8.30 we were out there.
00:40:57So, yeah...
00:40:59Five?
00:41:00Yeah, five.
00:41:01Five stages, yeah.
00:41:02Five stages.
00:41:03Okay, thank you for that.
00:41:06What were they saying?
00:41:07I don't know how this has happened.
00:41:09I imagine it's James' fault, but we were told, or we thought, the rally started tomorrow morning.
00:41:14It turns out, it actually started two days ago.
00:41:19So, even before we'd started, we knew we had no chance of winning.
00:41:24At the very least, we are competing against each other.
00:41:28Why don't we just make it a private race?
00:41:30Whatever it is, it requires precision and patience that you won't win.
00:41:33I bet you...
00:41:3425 pounds that I beat you.
00:41:37Three-way bet.
00:41:38Yep.
00:41:39All right.
00:41:40All right.
00:41:43And so, the next morning, two days late, with the wrong co-drivers and the wrong cars...
00:41:49Does anybody here know how to zero the trip on an Austin Healey Sprite?
00:41:55We set off.
00:41:56Go.
00:42:00I think we've got no gear.
00:42:11Not a lot to talk about.
00:42:14We had to arrive at various checkpoints at specified times, and then complete a number of special stages on closed roads at a precise average speed.
00:42:23This wouldn't be easy in the Healey.
00:42:27Oh, this is ridiculous.
00:42:28My speedometer is saying I'm doing 60 miles an hour, and I'm doing about 30? No, 20.
00:42:35How are we going to be able to do average speeds when this is saying 60 miles an hour?
00:42:39When we stop at the next bit, I'll write down some simple speed and distance, a little formula for you, so you can work out average speeds as well.
00:42:48There's only two that you really need to know. How fast we've been going, how fast we need to go, or how long we've taken so far.
00:42:55That's where you can use the two stopwatches, so you can say for 10 minutes we've been doing 80.
00:43:01Mountains!
00:43:05Does this car smell healthy to you?
00:43:08Yeah, actually, there is a slightly oily smell.
00:43:12Yeah.
00:43:14Right, so the roundabout's actually at 127, so you need to add another one kilometre to everything.
00:43:22Hello?
00:43:24Hello?
00:43:26Still, could be worse.
00:43:30Grandad didn't do the cooling system, and so it can be a bit...
00:43:35It's all falling out.
00:43:38Oh, God!
00:43:40So how long should we wait?
00:43:41I think we've got to wait about half an hour for it to cool down.
00:43:45So will we then have to go faster to make the...
00:43:48We will have to go a lot faster and, erm, break a few rules, I think.
00:43:52The runner can't go much faster.
00:43:55Jeremy, meanwhile, was getting into the spirit of amateur rallying.
00:44:00Luna!
00:44:02Luna!
00:44:08We then arrived at the first closed road stage, which we would have to complete at a specified average speed.
00:44:16The speed.
00:44:17Zero.
00:44:18Yes.
00:44:19The speed.
00:44:20This.
00:44:22At what speed?
00:44:24Quanto.
00:44:26Quanto.
00:44:28Which one's too tight?
00:44:29That one.
00:44:31Are you sure?
00:44:33It's very difficult to do this without accidentally getting hold of the work of the divine potter.
00:44:39Perfecto.
00:44:40No, no, what?
00:44:4150?
00:44:42No, no, no, bien, bien, bien.
00:44:4350?
00:44:44No.
00:44:46I decided to just do it flat out.
00:44:50We're going!
00:44:51Keep the toe down into second.
00:44:55Flip the apex.
00:44:57This made Drian very angry.
00:45:00No, no, rápido, no.
00:45:01No, no.
00:45:02Perfecto.
00:45:03Park your part.
00:45:04Park your part.
00:45:05What's that mean?
00:45:07Now, what, what?
00:45:08Rapido, tranquilo?
00:45:10Tranquilo, tranquilo.
00:45:11Rapido.
00:45:13Meanwhile, in the Open University...
00:45:15When we get to this next one, stop that stopwatch and start that one at exactly the same time.
00:45:20Then you've got a record on that one to right there and that one's then timing it to the next one.
00:45:25In fact, don't, because that'll confuse us, because we have to take it away, just leave that one running.
00:45:28But jot down what the time actually said.
00:45:32Yeah?
00:45:34Yeah.
00:45:36We still weren't at the first stage, and Brian was less than impressed with Grandad's Lanchester.
00:45:44Ouch!
00:45:45Suspension's good, then, aren't we?
00:45:47Yeah, it is.
00:45:48I hardly felt on this side.
00:45:52It's good.
00:45:53Yes?
00:45:54Finish?
00:45:55We've got time.
00:45:56Show me the time.
00:45:57Time, Manuel!
00:45:58Can't see.
00:45:59I've just...
00:46:00I've no idea.
00:46:01I've just done something, and I don't know what it was.
00:46:05As it turned out, what I'd done is go way too fast, which meant Dran had to do yet more sums.
00:46:14Maths.
00:46:15Can't talk to him.
00:46:16He's doing, literally, sitting a maths exam.
00:46:20But I bet the conversation in the bar at night is fun.
00:46:23I did more maths than you today.
00:46:25And now you didn't.
00:46:26I did more maths than you.
00:46:28Oh.
00:46:31In fact, the only person enjoying this less than me was James' co-draiver.
00:46:37Divise 60 by 55.
00:46:39Why do you keep saying that?
00:46:40It's a 60 thing like the Assyrians had.
00:46:43There's not a hundred seconds in a minute, there are 60, and that is a decibel.
00:46:46What are you on about?
00:46:47It's 0.85, so times 0.85 by 60.
00:46:49Do you just like saying different numbers?
00:46:51What do I do at this roundabout?
00:46:52Huh?
00:46:53What do I do at this roundabout?
00:46:54Not roundabout.
00:46:55Oh!
00:46:58Brian and I had finally arrived at the first stage.
00:47:02However...
00:47:07Oh, bloody hell!
00:47:16Okay, 40.
00:47:17That's 40 miles an hour.
00:47:18So I'm driving about half the speed my car can go in order to win.
00:47:2525 pounds is riding on this joint.
00:47:2725 pounds, which is about 25 euros.
00:47:31Thanks to Mr. Brown.
00:47:34To be honest, though, right now, my money was pretty safe.
00:47:39There'd only be other cars here if they were lost in exactly the same way as us.
00:47:48Left or right?
00:47:49That way.
00:47:50Do you know that, though, or are you just guessing?
00:47:52There is a left somewhere.
00:47:53There's hundreds of lefts in it.
00:47:56Sit.
00:48:01There, you do too.
00:48:02Don't do...
00:48:03Please don't do that.
00:48:06Now!
00:48:07Go, go, go, go, go, go.
00:48:09Finally, we were doing our first stage.
00:48:12However...
00:48:13Where do I go now?
00:48:14Where do I go, Brian?
00:48:15I'm terrified.
00:48:16Can you see out of the car exactly where we're going or not?
00:48:18Oh, well, I can see, sort of, the hills of the sky.
00:48:21Right.
00:48:22I'll tell you what's happening in front of us.
00:48:24Well, just stay ahead.
00:48:25I can't look at this gear.
00:48:27It's a very big steering wheel, isn't it?
00:48:28Grandad, I'd like to make sure you had, you know, a good, proper-sized wheel.
00:48:31It makes you look smaller.
00:48:32Well, now...
00:48:33Um...
00:48:34OK.
00:48:36Oh, God, look at the steam coming out of the bonnet.
00:48:38Oh!
00:48:39Oh, my word.
00:48:41Oh.
00:48:42Realising he'd got off to a bad start, James was now trying to charm Maddy with some romantic conversation.
00:48:48It's not actually an overgrime, but we need to treat it as well.
00:48:52It's actually a ratio of one-to-one.
00:48:54It simply locks the input shaft to the output shaft.
00:48:57I don't know what you're talking about.
00:49:00Do you actually do anything to your hair?
00:49:03Well, I'm washing it occasionally.
00:49:05Oh!
00:49:06You should wear a hair bag.
00:49:07No.
00:49:13Oh, why can't we get one of them?
00:49:15That's a nice car.
00:49:17I'll bet that don't overheat.
00:49:22Just after lunch, we made it to the lunch stop, where Jeremy explained that Brian and I amassed the biggest number of penalty points in rallying history.
00:49:33So, I've got 3,600 points, the lowest points, where you've got 41,897, and you've got 44,000.
00:49:42It's quite close between you two.
00:49:44Yeah.
00:49:46To punish Jeremy for his smugness, we decided to modify his car.
00:49:50So, that is now the heater jammed on.
00:49:52Yeah.
00:49:53The only way he can turn it off is to stop.
00:49:54And open the bonnet, which he's never done.
00:49:55Lose vital seconds, or hours in his case, because he won't be able to work out how to do that.
00:50:00But as we headed off to the afternoon stages, strangely, it was in the citron, where things were getting hot.
00:50:10I think it's in there.
00:50:11I can feel it.
00:50:12Yeah.
00:50:13It's like a little tube.
00:50:14There.
00:50:15Yeah.
00:50:16That's a little.
00:50:17Right.
00:50:18Now, pout.
00:50:19It's quite a crack lift.
00:50:23It's quite a crack lift.
00:50:24I changed from first to third of my pre-selection gearbox, which means, technically, I short-shifted.
00:50:30When I say short, I don't mean that.
00:50:31I'm not being rude.
00:50:32You keep saying short.
00:50:33No, I meant I short-shifted.
00:50:34I wasn't being clever.
00:50:35In the Healey, my lunchtime smugness was starting to look premature.
00:50:48Hello.
00:50:49Oh, God.
00:50:50No.
00:50:51No.
00:50:52No.
00:50:53This meant I'd have to choose one gear for the stage and then stick with it.
00:50:58Here we go.
00:51:00Perfect.
00:51:01Perfect.
00:51:02Perfect.
00:51:03Perfect.
00:51:04Yes.
00:51:05It's all going wrong for us this afternoon.
00:51:06Also, I have to say, I think the heater's on.
00:51:07Do you know how to turn the heater off?
00:51:08But Tran wasn't going to let anything mess up his maths.
00:51:11Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:51:12We've got one gear.
00:51:13I can do nothing.
00:51:14Vamos.
00:51:15Vamos.
00:51:16Vamos.
00:51:17Vamos.
00:51:18Vamos.
00:51:19Vamos.
00:51:20Average 50 kilometres an hour on this.
00:51:21Which is impossible.
00:51:22Bueno, bueno.
00:51:23Ah, God.
00:51:24Yes, yes, yes, yes.
00:51:25Your handbag's in the way.
00:51:26God.
00:51:27They're laughing at the car.
00:51:28They're not.
00:51:29They're cheering us on.
00:51:30Obviously say so.
00:51:31Why don't they speak English?
00:51:32Because they're Spanish.
00:51:33Following the shambles of the morning, Brian was now in a right mood.
00:51:37Anything to let me know about?
00:51:38No.
00:51:39What about this massive, tight left-hand bend here?
00:51:40I haven't got a map of the route.
00:51:41Well, I haven't got a map of the route.
00:51:44I haven't got a map of the road.
00:51:47I have to pay a look.
00:51:49I have to pay a look.
00:51:50It's a bit of a new route for people.
00:51:52Yes, yes, yes, yes,...
00:51:53I don't know.
00:51:54I am, yes, yes, yes, yes.
00:51:55Yes, yes, yes, yes.
00:51:56Your handbag's in the way.
00:51:57God.
00:51:58They're laughing at the car.
00:51:59They're not, they're cheering us on.
00:52:00Obviously say so.
00:52:01Why don't they speak English?
00:52:02Because they're Spanish.
00:52:03Following the shambles of the morning,
00:52:06Well, I haven't got a map of the route.
00:52:11Come on, you should talk to me earnestly.
00:52:12Now, this should be a constant stream of instructions issuing from you.
00:52:16Left turn coming up. In the hairpin.
00:52:18You're just telling me things you can see out of the window now you've got a cushion.
00:52:23Oh, God.
00:52:29We're losing the brakes. I'm losing the brakes.
00:52:33Because the healy was in such a bad way, I managed to cross the line in a slow enough time for once.
00:52:43We finished?
00:52:44Yes!
00:52:46Is that good?
00:52:47Is that good?
00:52:52And the love boat finished on time as well.
00:52:567.46.
00:52:57Yep. It's more tall.
00:52:59Meanwhile, back in PC world.
00:53:07I didn't mean Jeremy's car was rubbish because it's a midget.
00:53:11I just meant that's what it is.
00:53:13It's an MG midget. I'm sorry.
00:53:19Brian, it's making a bad noise.
00:53:22And a bad smell.
00:53:22This is... This is... I think I may have to stop for a moment.
00:53:28This meant Richard would miss the final checkpoint of the day.
00:53:34James and I had no problems, though, because all we had to do was stick to a motorway.
00:53:39It was therefore impossible to get lost.
00:53:44Which way?
00:53:45Straight on.
00:53:45Are you sure?
00:53:46No.
00:53:48Yeah, it's got air, it looks pretty.
00:53:50So, you don't go there because it's pretty, yeah.
00:53:53Well, there should be signs, if that isn't.
00:53:55Can you not work out? Please, can you take your hat off? Please.
00:53:58Sorry, it's really lovely, but I can't see the cars coming.
00:54:01Thanks.
00:54:02Now I've got the flat hat.
00:54:03That's not important.
00:54:05I don't want to get some...
00:54:06Mind you, it wasn't exactly plain sailing for me, either.
00:54:10Come on, please, traffic. Please, please, please.
00:54:14How can I have a rush hour in Mallorca?
00:54:16Nobody does anything.
00:54:19Get up, throw a donkey off a tower block,
00:54:21sit in a plastic chair by the side of the road, go to bed.
00:54:24Where does a rush hour come from in there?
00:54:28Oh, God.
00:54:30Day one, then, of our first classic rally hadn't been a total success.
00:54:37However, day two sounded promising.
00:54:40Because we were at a track, no more maths, no more stopwatches,
00:54:45just hour after hour of pedal-to-the-metal action.
00:54:50Or so I thought.
00:54:51Each group does two runs of four runs each,
00:54:55the first round of each runs,
00:54:57serving as reference time for the following three rounds.
00:55:01It turned out we'd set a time on our first lap,
00:55:04and then we'd win if we match that time on the next three.
00:55:08Is that clear?
00:55:09No, I've got a question.
00:55:10If you break down on your first lap,
00:55:12do you have to then break down on the subsequent three laps?
00:55:16I decided to break down before we started.
00:55:20Oh, God!
00:55:21Have you seen the oil raining off my chassis rails?
00:55:24Oh.
00:55:25It's just raining oil.
00:55:27Come on, she'll do it.
00:55:28She's a good old girl.
00:55:29Oh, that's, that's, that's all, that's all.
00:55:33Yeah, I meant that.
00:55:41Have you done the other side?
00:55:42You're going to sparkle.
00:55:45If you or I had done that, he would kill us.
00:55:49Yes, he would.
00:55:49We then hit the track to set our benchmark lap times,
00:55:56and I decided, because the Healy was stuck in third,
00:56:00to keep things steady.
00:56:02Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.
00:56:05Set a nice, smooth lap time.
00:56:09Looking good.
00:56:11James, obviously trying to impress Maddy,
00:56:13was being rather more vigorous.
00:56:15Your teddy bear on the spare wheel is not entirely helpful.
00:56:27In the Lanchester, it was business as usual.
00:56:30Was it a sort of boiling, hissing sound?
00:56:32No, it was a clunking sound.
00:56:34Hang on, you've got, oh, the temperature's light up as well.
00:56:36And you've got to ease up, you've got to ease up.
00:56:38Yeah, but we've got to get the time.
00:56:39Let's just get around this lap.
00:56:41Despite everything, though,
00:56:43even an official telling me to slow down,
00:56:45we were all starting to enjoy ourselves.
00:56:49And I've seen more cars that I've wanted to own today.
00:56:52And you can come here and you can talk to people,
00:56:54and you can use words like 16 valve,
00:56:56and you're not embarrassed.
00:56:57Yeah, they don't walk off and leave.
00:56:58You can actually be who you are, talk about cars,
00:57:01drive like a lunatic on a track.
00:57:04It's quite nice to be a car person again.
00:57:06It is.
00:57:09Back on the track,
00:57:11the Lanchester seemed to be behaving at normal.
00:57:14I was therefore confident I'd match my original lap time.
00:57:20Right, now we did that 29 seconds faster.
00:57:24Did we?
00:57:24Yeah.
00:57:25Oh, God, that's a disaster if we're that far adrift.
00:57:28In the love boat, James, unaware that Maddy had decorated his helmet even more,
00:57:35was having the time of his life.
00:57:37I think we're coming up to your first stopwatch point.
00:57:40Two minutes, 36.
00:57:42Right, reset then.
00:57:44Reset.
00:57:441, 34, 2, 36.
00:57:461, 3, 4, 2, 3, 6.
00:57:48There you go.
00:57:49Sadly, our efforts were a bit pointless.
00:57:54Because all Jeremy had to do to win overall victory was run calm and steady.
00:58:00And he knew that.
00:58:02He who shall be slowest shall be first.
00:58:05But then...
00:58:08I've got a big mustang on my trumpet.
00:58:13I don't like being overtaken.
00:58:15It's a sign of weakness.
00:58:17Let's have it.
00:58:22Power!
00:58:27What's Jeremy doing?
00:58:29Out of my way!
00:58:32Oh, yes!
00:58:35No! No! No!
00:58:39My little car may have been a bit broken,
00:58:41but I wasn't going to let it get beaten.
00:58:46Ah-ha! You weren't ready with that!
00:58:49Giant even forgot the maths.
00:58:56No! This is very bad!
00:58:59Oh, yes!
00:59:01Yeah! What do you think of that?
00:59:03Loser!
00:59:05But then the penny dropped.
00:59:09What I've done, I think, is accidentally got involved in a race with a Mustang
00:59:14and ruined my time!
00:59:16Back at the pits, there was even more bad news.
00:59:19So, James May was perfect. He was perfect.
00:59:22He was perfect, yeah.
00:59:24Damn it. I don't want to hear that.
00:59:26James, he might be in with a shout of beating me.
00:59:29Have you got your lap times?
00:59:31They were pretty consistent, but we're only doing it to the nearest second.
00:59:33He was only doing it to the nearest second.
00:59:35He was only doing it to the nearest second.
00:59:38Hammond, he may have a flower on his helmet.
00:59:41What?
00:59:42But he's still James May.
00:59:43He said we will.
00:59:44And you put a flower on this as well?
00:59:45That's what I was laughing at. There's a flower in your hat.
00:59:48Have a look at your hat.
00:59:49Oh, bloody hell.
00:59:52We now had to wait to see if James had pit me at the post.
00:59:57But either way, it didn't really matter.
01:00:00Because our three Kingslyn Crocs had made it to the finishing line.
01:00:05And on the way, they'd wormed their way into our hearts.
01:00:09In short, on this glorious island, all of us, in our own way,
01:00:14had fallen a little bit in love.
01:00:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:00:23Give it back.
01:00:24Maybe for five.
01:00:26Which is about £25.
01:00:28Right?
01:00:30£25.
01:00:32Who do I give it to?
01:00:34Who do I give it to?
01:00:35You give it, Richard Hammond, to James May.
01:00:38What?
01:00:39Here's the win.
01:00:44Thank you all.
01:00:46Thank you for now.
01:00:47Anyway, I have to say, all of us have fallen in love with the cars we had out there to
01:00:51such an extent that for the first time ever after a film, all three of us have actually
01:00:55bought them from the BBC.
01:00:57Yes, well I had to buy the Lanchester, Grandad built it, it's part of the family.
01:01:01Now I do have a bit of a disappointment for you on that, Hammond, because you see, I discovered
01:01:06before the rally began, if I'm honest, um, how can I put this, this particular Lanchester
01:01:13was built by Barkers, not Mulliners.
01:01:17What?
01:01:18Which means that what you've done is you've bought at great expense a car built by somebody's
01:01:23Grandad.
01:01:24Oh God!
01:01:25And on that bombshell, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to end.
01:01:28See you next week, thank you for watching, goodnight!
01:01:40Three men, a tent and a load of snow, plus one mass challenge.
01:01:44Totally addictive viewing on thin ice, next on BBC Two.
01:01:48And on BBC Three, adult season continues, the girls are putting on a show, in young, dumb
01:01:53and living off mum.
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