- 2 months ago
In Episode 3 the presenters tackle budget with the “Cheap & Cheerful” small-car challenge, comparing models like the Proton Satria Neo and Chevrolet Aveo under tough conditions. Jeremy Clarkson also reviews the Mercedes-Benz SL65 AMG Black Series. Value meets performance in this entertaining
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Follow our channel for more car crazed mayhem. Alot more episodes to come that you don't want to miss. Like our videos and share with other car lovers!!
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MotorTranscript
00:00Tonight we shout at the government, a man drives a Subaru through a building and a dog goes in a car
00:30Thanks guys, thank you. Thanks very much, thank you. Now, as we know, as we know nothing in life is very good and appalling at the same time, apart from the Jeremy Kyle show and Manchester United and all of Burt Reynolds films and actually now
00:59there's a car as well
01:01This is the latest creation from the skunkworks inside AMG, the Mercedes SL65 Black
01:14Good looking, isn't it? In a Jean-Claude I'm going to kick you in the face sort of way
01:19Certainly with those massively flared arches and all that ducting, it looks like it might be pretty fast
01:25But it isn't
01:27It's mind-boggling
01:30I have 660 horsepower at the disposal of my right foot
01:41That's 50 more than you get from a Ferrari 599
01:45Then there's the torque, 740 foot-pounds
01:52That's 300 more than you get from a 599
01:57Of course, to protect the environment and other road users, the top speed is limited
02:05To 199 miles an hour
02:08The engine that produces this almighty oomph is enormous
02:23A 6-litre twin-turbo V12
02:27But the rest of the car is quite simple
02:30The brakes are steel, not carbon ceramic
02:33The gearbox only has 5 speeds, not the usual 7
02:38The traction control has 2 settings
02:41On or off
02:43It even comes with run-of-the-mill suspension
02:48The steering in this is a bit woolly
02:52No, not woolly, mostly the nylon
02:54But because Mercedes has thrown away the silly electronic suspension
02:58Gone back to a conventional set-up
03:00It's very predictable
03:02In many ways then, this is like an American muscle car
03:12Fast, simple
03:14And in some ways, quite cheap
03:17It costs 250,000 pounds
03:22And yes, I know
03:23That sounds like a lot
03:25But it's 100,000 pounds less
03:28Than the McLaren Mercedes
03:30And is the McLaren 100,000 pounds faster?
03:35Well, let's find out
03:36God, that McLaren sounds dirty
03:44If my children made a noise like that, I'd make them sit on the naughty step
03:49I reckon, in a straight line, Mr McLaren is faster
03:55Not by 100,000 pounds, but
03:59In the corners
04:01Smoke coming off the back end
04:0910 more horsepower, I reckon
04:1410 more and I'd have him
04:15But the best thing about the Black
04:21Is that despite the 50 cal performance
04:24And the anabolic, look at me, wheel arch extensions
04:28It's a normal SL in here
04:31I've got satellite navigation and climate control
04:34And iPod compatibility
04:35I've even got an automatic gearbox
04:38All good so far then
04:41But it doesn't last
04:43First of all, it is the most uncomfortable car in all of human history
04:51There is no give at all in the tyre sidewall
04:54There is no give either in the suspension
04:57Look, and look at these seats
05:00One piece carbon fibre from the Mercedes Agony range
05:04You would honestly be more comfortable on a Georgian's kitchen wheelback
05:09I can't imagine what Mercedes was using for inspiration
05:13No, hang on a minute
05:14I can imagine what Mercedes was using for inspiration
05:18Look, a pile of stones
05:19This is almost identical to the SL Black
05:23Let's just try it out
05:25Oh, hang on
05:29Mmm, yeah
05:32Yeah, I would rather go to work on a cairn
05:37Than in an SL Black
05:39A cairn would be faster too
05:42The problem is, is that there's so much torque
05:46That if you pull out to overtake a lorry
05:48And put your foot down
05:50The traction control comes down like an anvil
05:54And you're not going anywhere
05:55Of course, you can turn the traction control off
05:59But don't forget
06:01Those back tyres cost £358 each
06:06Really, the only way you can drive this car
06:12Even when the road is dry
06:13Is slowly
06:14And I don't know
06:16But I think that rather spoils the point
06:18Then there's the rear spoiler
06:21Which comes up at 75 miles an hour
06:23So if it's up, you're speeding
06:25And some policemen will come
06:27There are other niggles too
06:30Like the fact it's out of fuel after 250 miles
06:33And it has the turning circle of a moon
06:36Look at this
06:39A normal SL can get round here
06:42No problem at all
06:43Whereas the Black
06:47Can't
06:48That means you're going to run off the road
06:55And damage that low-riding air splitter
06:58And I haven't even got to the worst bit yet
07:04In a normal SL which can turn round
07:10And run up curbs without breaking your back
07:12Or itself
07:13And go more than six feet without running out of petrol
07:16You have a roof which folds away into the boot
07:20In an SL Black to save weight
07:24The roof doesn't go anywhere
07:26And then we have to go back to the price
07:30Yes, the Black is good value compared to the McLaren
07:34But it's five times more than its little sister
07:38And I'm sorry
07:40But it just isn't worth it
07:42It is
07:52Superb
07:54Sublime
07:56Brilliant
07:57Super exciting rubbish
08:00It is
08:01Am I right in saying that they've only imported eight of these into the UK?
08:06Yeah
08:06So that means they need to find eight people in Great Britain with more money than cents?
08:12Yeah
08:12So who does this one belong to?
08:14Theo Walker
08:14Go on then, now where are you going?
08:19Anything I say now is going to be libelous, isn't it?
08:22Yeah
08:22Yeah
08:22So I'll tell you what we'll do
08:23We'll find out how fast this goes round our track
08:26Of course
08:26That means handing it over to our tame racing driver
08:29Some say that he thinks crisps are animals
08:34And that if he'd done well at Wimbledon once in a while
08:39He might have been able to raise a smile
08:42All we know is
08:46He's called the Stig
08:47Away he goes
08:50Traction control off
08:51Because of course
08:52He can put those tyres on expenses
08:54Powell's into the first corner
08:56Can't help thinking this is going to be a handful
08:59Oh yes he is
09:01Oh dear yes
09:05I'm sorry
09:05The Stig has gone all Scottish
09:07He loves to strip the willow
09:09With all those other Stigs
09:10That the Daily Mail's invented
09:12That was just a very big mess in Chicago
09:15So hammerhead
09:16Lord alone knows what's going to happen here
09:18Understeer
09:19Oversteer
09:20Understeer
09:22Then oversteer again
09:23Every sort of steer
09:24And all of them
09:24Happening practically at the same time
09:26Is that bagpipes
09:32Or is it the sound of someone
09:33Deflating a cat
09:35Through the tyres
09:37Very very fast
09:38Now here he comes
09:41Into the centre last corner
09:42Holding it nicely
09:44Just gambon left
09:45He seems to be juddering through
09:47And across the line
09:48I have the time in my hand
09:54It did it
09:57It did it
09:59In one minute
10:0023 dead
10:03So if we look
10:04It's faster
10:05Than the original Merchelago
10:07It's faster than the original Sonder
10:09Faster than the original Koenigsegg
10:11Which means
10:12It's faster
10:13Than a lot of cars
10:15That are now
10:15Faster than it
10:17And now we must do the news
10:20And starting off with Citroen
10:22They've made a new C3
10:23Here it is
10:24And well
10:25It's a Citroen
10:26It looks like that
10:26But the most important thing
10:27About it is
10:28For this car
10:29They've invented
10:30A new word
10:32Word?
10:33They've put it in their publicity material
10:34For it
10:35And it's
10:35Vizio Drive
10:36They confess
10:37They've made that up
10:38It's a whole
10:38New word
10:40Vizio Drive
10:41I'm sort of sympathetic
10:42Why?
10:43Because none of the words
10:45You would normally use
10:46To describe a Citroen
10:48Would work very well
10:48In their own publicity blurb
10:50Would they?
10:51Like
10:51Flimsy
10:52Plasticky
10:53Plastic
10:54Yeah
10:54French
10:55Kind of
10:56Anybody else got any thoughts on Citroen?
10:58What?
10:58A box on wheels
10:59That's not very good
11:01That's not very good
11:01That's very good
11:02Anyway the point is
11:04That if you want a car
11:05That is
11:06Vizio Drive
11:07Whatever it is
11:08That's your only choice
11:09Even if you are
11:09The Sultan of Brunei
11:10Now
11:13Pay attention
11:14Okay
11:14As men
11:16We all know
11:17That you should never ever
11:18Buy a woman something
11:19With a plug on it
11:20Yeah
11:20We know that
11:21Okay
11:21I did
11:22What?
11:23I did
11:24You bought your girlfriend
11:26An electrical appliance
11:27Yeah I got her a power drill
11:29James
11:30James
11:31She's a ballet correspondent
11:32Well that's what she wanted
11:34She said I want a power drill
11:35No she said that
11:36James
11:37Do you know nothing
11:38Women say they want a power drill
11:39They don't
11:39They want soap
11:40Women always
11:41They do
11:42Yeah but it's impossible
11:43To buy soap for a woman
11:44No hang on
11:45Soap's soap
11:46You can't
11:46Oh
11:46Did you hear that girls
11:49Soap is soap
11:50Well it is
11:51Go on then
11:51Buy your wife some Swarfiga
11:53Well that's
11:53That's an effective cleaning agent
11:56She'd be chuffed
11:57I'm sure
11:57However
11:59The worst thing
11:59That you would ever have to buy
12:01Ever have to buy
12:02A girl
12:03Is a handbag
12:04That's pretty bad
12:05Because even if by some miracle
12:06You got the right colour
12:07It would be the wrong shape
12:08It wouldn't have the right number
12:10Of pockets
12:10It would be last season's handbag
12:12Is there a season for handbags?
12:16Did you hear?
12:17Is
12:17Oh yes
12:19What at certain times of the year
12:20I can shoot handbags
12:21Yeah
12:21It's okay
12:22No the fact is
12:25Okay
12:26My wife has a handbag
12:27I kid you not
12:28It is this big
12:29Okay
12:30And in it
12:31She'll go
12:31I've lost my mobile phone
12:33Ring it
12:33Ring it
12:35Ring it
12:35It's in there
12:36You must be able to see
12:37I can't see it
12:38The point is
12:40Salvation is at hand
12:41Okay
12:41New type of handbag out this week
12:43Here it is
12:44Look at that
12:45Yeah
12:46Now that is made
12:48From Camaro seats
12:49What?
12:50Yeah
12:50And it says in the bump
12:52And I'm going to quote
12:53Okay
12:54Try to picture your lady friend
12:56Grasping it tightly
12:57At the next vintage car show
12:59You both are ten
13:00So this is made
13:02From the seat cloth
13:03Of a classic Camaro
13:05Yes
13:05So that's had a Texan's
13:07Sweaty buttocks on it
13:08For thirty years
13:08Yes
13:09And now it's a handbag
13:10On the other side
13:11You can't actually see it
13:12Are the skid marks
13:12No
13:12No
13:13No
13:13Hey
13:15What?
13:16My bull mastiff
13:17Keeps trying to mate
13:18With my labradoodle
13:19No bear with me
13:20I do get back to cars
13:21It keeps trying to mate
13:22With my labradoodle
13:22And I think I've worked out
13:24What the results
13:25Of that coupling
13:26Would look like
13:27Here it is
13:28Is that a motorcycling sidecar?
13:33Sort of melted into one
13:35Hideous lump
13:36Yeah
13:36It's a Leverda 3CL
13:38The man behind this
13:39He's a French
13:39Medical technician
13:41Did he not at any point
13:42Whilst building it
13:43Just take one step back
13:46Ah it's horrible
13:48If you know of anything
13:50Uglier than that
13:51You should write to us
13:52At um
13:53I live next door
13:54To David Guest
13:56Talk here
13:57Hey now
13:59Can I just say
14:00Sorry about this
14:00Moving on
14:01On Tuesday
14:02Or it might have been Monday
14:03The government
14:03Announced
14:04What it called
14:05A level 2
14:07Heatwave alert
14:08Okay
14:08For what we used to call
14:10A lovely summer's day
14:11Actually we quite like
14:14A good heatwave
14:15Here on Top Gear
14:16Because it means
14:16We can play
14:17Car sauna
14:18It's really very simple
14:20You park the car
14:21With the engine running
14:22You turn the air conditioning off
14:23Wind all the windows up
14:25Turn the heater to maximum
14:26And the first person
14:27To get out
14:28Is the loser
14:28Yeah
14:30You think he's making that up
14:32Don't you
14:32Because earlier today
14:34While we were waiting
14:35For all you lot to turn up
14:36This is what we got up to
14:37It's now 37.8 degrees in here
14:42As you can see
14:43That's before the test begins
14:45Let's just make it fair
14:46Okay
14:47Which everyone gets out first
14:49Pays the other a tenner
14:51Coming up to four minutes
14:54Temperature check please
14:55Oh yes
14:5753 degrees
14:59Can you see my face
15:02Can you see my face now
15:04Yeah I'm not sure
15:05I want to
15:06Given that we are made
15:08What percentage of us is water
15:1098%
15:10Well less
15:11Water does then evaporate
15:12So what we're breathing
15:13Is each other
15:14You're breathing my chest
15:1959.7%
15:25Stupid game
15:27I've changed my mind
15:2961.90
15:32Guys
15:45Oh come on
15:47You owe us £10
15:49That's that
15:50That's a good idea
16:02Gordon
16:03Gordon if you're watching
16:06And you're probably not
16:07If you're going to set
16:08These ridiculous
16:09Heatwave level alerts
16:11What was it we got up to
16:1262
16:1362 degrees
16:14Is your bottom
16:15Yeah it gets a bit
16:16Toasty about it
16:17Uncomfortable
16:18Actually Gordon
16:19There's something else
16:20That I discovered
16:21In that test
16:21If you're watching
16:22And that is
16:23I know
16:24When I'm too hot
16:26I don't need
16:30The government
16:31To tell me
16:32To have a drink
16:32Of water
16:33And put sun cream
16:34On
16:34Leave
16:35Us
16:36Alone
16:37Anyway
16:42Guys
16:44You'll have to split it
16:50I've only got a 20
16:50Don't worry
16:51I'll put it on expenses
16:52Now the recession
16:56We all know what caused it
16:58Banks were lending money
16:59They didn't have
16:59To people who couldn't
17:00Pay them back
17:01And now no one
17:02Can afford anything
17:03Yes
17:03And this begs a question
17:05In these difficult times
17:07Is there such a thing
17:09As cheap
17:10And cheerful
17:11No
17:16I mean
17:17When have you ever heard
17:19Anyone say
17:20Right
17:20I'm going to deploy
17:21My cheap
17:22And cheerful
17:23Parachute
17:23I could have had
17:25An expensive
17:26Heart operation
17:27But I decided
17:28To go for one
17:28That was cheap
17:29And cheerful
17:30This parodium
17:34Mivy
17:34Suffers from the same problem
17:36It costs
17:37£7,600
17:38So it is cheap
17:39But is it cheerful?
17:42No
17:42Brakes are rubbish
17:45Rides rubbish
17:47Seats are rubbish
17:50That's rubbish
17:53Honestly
17:55I would rather be
17:56Inside
17:57Paul Scholes
17:58This is a car
18:00You drive
18:01With a long face
18:02Still
18:07Could be worse
18:08You could be in
18:10A Chevrolet Aveo
18:11I like
18:13A basic
18:14Underpowered car
18:15I think they can be
18:16Fantastic fun
18:17So it amazes me
18:18That they can
18:18Make this thing
18:20So dull
18:21The steering
18:24Is meaningless
18:25The pedals
18:26Feel mushy
18:26The seats
18:27Are flat
18:28The gear change
18:30Is that of a
18:31I think it's out of a
18:32Mark 1 Cavalier
18:34No
18:35That's not fair
18:36On the Cavalier
18:37And the cost
18:38Of all this misery
18:40£8,500
18:41The only reason
18:43You would buy
18:44This car
18:45Is not because
18:46It's cheap
18:46Because it's not
18:47That cheap
18:48It would be
18:49Because you
18:49Hadn't tried
18:50Any others
18:51I have
18:53I've tried
18:54This
18:54The Proton
18:56Satria Neo
18:57It's actually
18:59Not so bad
18:59When you're moving
19:00That's not because
19:01It's in any way
19:02Fun to drive
19:03It isn't
19:03The gear change
19:04Is awful
19:04The engine's got
19:05No power lowdown
19:06Whatsoever
19:07But when you're moving
19:08At least
19:09You're obliged
19:10To look ahead
19:11Out of the cabin
19:12At things
19:13Only when you stop
19:14Do you think
19:14Actually yeah
19:15I'm sure I saw
19:15A nice
19:16Surround on that
19:17Air vent
19:17Just to just
19:18Oh no
19:20It's horrible
19:21And look at all this
19:22Oh that's not metal
19:25Either
19:25It's
19:25At nearly £10,000
19:28The Proton
19:29Is the most expensive
19:31Of the three
19:31But you do get
19:33Some unique features
19:34The wing mirrors
19:36Have been made
19:37Using fairground
19:39Hall of mirrors glass
19:40So when I move
19:41My head like that
19:41All the cars
19:42That's either a bus
19:44Or now it's a skip
19:45And now it's a big clown
19:47Soon we all met up
19:50And this was an ideal
19:51Opportunity to show
19:52Jeremy one of the
19:53Proton's other
19:54Unique features
19:56Now it's a sunny day
19:57Put the visor down
19:58You can't see a thing
20:01No
20:01You can't make
20:02The seat go down
20:03You can a bit
20:04But you have to
20:05Open the door
20:05So every time
20:06The sun comes out
20:07You then have to
20:07Open the door
20:08Yeah
20:08Look at these
20:10They've managed to
20:11Make allen headed
20:12Bolts out of plastic
20:13Yeah because I believe
20:15Oh you don't
20:15That's a disappointment
20:18That's wrong
20:19You're talking fake
20:20Look at this
20:21Oh that's not a real alloy
20:23Are these fake as well
20:25Yes they are
20:26So fake wheel nuts
20:27A year ago
20:29We'd have been here
20:29With a Ferrari
20:30A Lamborghini
20:31And an Aston Martin
20:32Now this is it
20:34We're chosen as our
20:37Meeting point
20:38London's financial district
20:39So we thought it would
20:40Be a good idea
20:41While we were there
20:42To introduce all the
20:43Passing bankers
20:44And money men
20:45To the motoring world
20:46They'd created
20:47What have you got now
20:49An XJR
20:50An XJR
20:51And you've got a
20:52BMW M3
20:53M3
20:54BMW X5
20:55X5
20:56So welcome to the future
20:57Your future
20:58I'm not sure
20:59This is the right car
21:00For me
21:00It's the only car
21:01You better get used to it
21:04Lavishly equipped
21:04With doors
21:05I'm not sure
21:07It's going to do
21:08The acceleration
21:08That the M3 does
21:09It doesn't
21:10I can absolutely
21:11Assure you
21:12You've been lending money
21:13To Mexicans
21:14Who haven't got enough
21:15To pay you back
21:15Haven't you
21:16You have
21:18That's what you've done
21:18And now look
21:19Check it out
21:20Is that one any better
21:21No
21:21All three terrible
21:23Yes
21:23Do you have this
21:24Every day going round
21:25Yeah
21:26Every day
21:26Just constantly down
21:28Yeah
21:28Have you thought about
21:29Jumping out of a window
21:30It's a bit plasticky
21:32A bit
21:32What are you doing
21:33At work today
21:34We are looking
21:36Into new markets
21:37In European gas
21:38That might not be
21:43A bad thing
21:43For you lot
21:43Just flip it down
21:44You wouldn't see
21:45The bridge coming up
21:46Everybody's happy
21:46Have you noticed this
21:49I put that back on earlier
21:50Thanks
21:51It just disintegrated
21:53While I was looking at it
21:55What's the 0-60 term
21:56Excuse me
21:57Yes
21:57Good news
21:58What
21:58You know we're here
21:59Bit of a distraction
22:00Okay
22:01You've seen the crowds
22:02Yeah
22:02That means that none of them
22:04Can actually get into their offices
22:05And lose all our money
22:06It's safe
22:07We're providing a service
22:09To the nation
22:09And then after we'd moved on
22:14I came up with another service
22:15For the nation
22:16All the banks
22:19That go to the government
22:20For our money
22:21To keep going
22:22Make them have
22:24As company cars
22:25Perodio and middies
22:26RBS
22:28You've been really bad
22:30You can have a proton septic nappy
22:32Yeah
22:34Fred Goodwin
22:35You keep your pension
22:36Just one thing
22:38Your car
22:39Of course
22:42Bankers aren't entirely responsible
22:44For the problems
22:45Which is why we pulled over
22:48Decorated our cars a bit
22:50And went to shout
22:52At the government
22:53And went to shout at the government
22:53What we want
22:58Aston Martin
23:00When do we want them
23:01Now
23:02V8
23:03Not G8
23:05Give us a Rolls-Royce
23:07Bantam
23:07Long wheelbase now
23:092, 4, 6, 8
23:12Jackie Smith's husband
23:13Likes to master
23:14I can't do that one
23:16Supercars
23:17Not mini stars
23:19Not very good at this
23:21Mind you
23:23Compared to James
23:24Acceleration
23:25Not nationalisation
23:27Of the banks
23:28Although obviously
23:29It's easy
23:30To make a credible case
23:31For state ownership
23:32Of other industries
23:33Such as utilities
23:34Catchy
23:35Hit the banks
23:37Not our tanks
23:38He means your petrol tanks
23:40Ladies and gentlemen
23:40If you were confused
23:41So whilst we're at it
23:42The armed forces
23:43Are woefully under-equipped
23:45For the job they have to do
23:46A policeman then came
23:47To tell us off
23:48Please don't hit me
23:49With your riot shield
23:50But it was quite hard
23:52To understand him
23:53I think that policeman's
24:03Quite cross
24:04In fact he was so fed up
24:07That he told us to leave
24:09That's not gone well
24:12Our protest
24:13But we were fed up too
24:15With our cars
24:16So we left them
24:17In a stupid place
24:19And went home on foot
24:20This tunnel handles better
24:23Than my car
24:24And the interior
24:24Is a lot more welcoming
24:26It's a fact
24:28I should point out
24:41The producers
24:41Were very angry with us
24:43About that
24:43Because they said
24:44We'd deliberately
24:45Just gone and chosen
24:46Three cars
24:47That we didn't like
24:48Yeah but we said
24:49That what we'd actually done
24:49Was make a film
24:50To show just how many
24:52Terrible cheap cars
24:53There are out there
24:54And that buyers
24:54Need to be careful
24:55Yeah exactly
24:56Yeah
24:56But they didn't buy that
24:58They said we had to go out
24:58And make that film again
25:00And this time
25:00Choose three cheap cars
25:02That we actually like
25:04Yeah and we'll be
25:04Looking at that later on
25:06Now though
25:06It is time
25:07To put a star
25:08In our Chevrolet
25:09Over the years
25:12105 different people
25:14Have driven round our track
25:15And yet unbelievably
25:17Only three of them
25:19Have ever been called Michael
25:20Well don't worry
25:23I can tell you're concerned
25:24Because that's all about to change
25:26Ladies and gentlemen
25:27Put your hands together
25:28For Michael McIntyre
25:29Come on
25:31Come on
25:33Come on
25:34Come on
25:34Come on
25:35Come on
25:36Come on
25:36Come on
25:37Thank you
25:38Thank you
25:38Tom here
25:38Come on
25:40Come on
25:40Come on
25:40Come on
25:42Come on
25:43Come on
25:44Come on
25:44Come on
25:46Come on
25:46Come on
25:47Come on
25:48When do people say that?
25:50Why do announcers always say
25:51Put your hands together
25:52Because you'd just go like that
25:53Wouldn't you?
25:54Well I always think
25:55It's almost like
25:55Put your hands together
25:56And pray that he's funny
25:57It's funny
25:58Now I gather that on the way down here
26:01People were offering you advice
26:02As to how you should drive
26:04I've got endless advice
26:05Endless
26:06From everybody
26:06There was a woman at home
26:08There was a woman at home
26:10She's my wife
26:10Yeah my wife gave me advice
26:17The dry cleaner told me
26:18To turn the air conditioning
26:19Off in the car
26:20Because it makes it go faster
26:21The dry cleaner is talking sense
26:23Yeah
26:23The guy who drove me here
26:25Said don't break
26:26I think he didn't like me very much
26:28He just said
26:28Don't break
26:31Anyway
26:32Let's have a look at you
26:33Because you have just
26:34Boinged onto the
26:35Into the public consciousness
26:36From sort of
26:37Two years ago
26:38Michael who
26:39And now are these girls
26:40They've just been
26:41Cueing you all day
26:42Hi girls
26:43It's been
26:45It's been going well
26:46It's been going well lately
26:47My show's on the telly
26:48On the Saturday night
26:49After casualty
26:50Do do do do do do do
26:52That's when my show starts
26:53And
26:54I'm trying desperately
26:57To get on casualty
26:58To publicise my show
26:59I'd just like to be on a gurney
27:02And then sit up
27:02Down the corner
27:03And go watch my show
27:03Afterwards
27:04That would be ideal
27:07Anyway
27:08So your early life
27:09School
27:10Obviously
27:10University
27:11Is it true
27:12You can't remember
27:13What degree you did
27:14That is true
27:15Yes
27:16I did
27:16Well
27:17I did
27:18Biology or
27:19Chemistry
27:20I've narrowed it down to two
27:21But you don't know
27:22Which you did
27:23I know it wasn't physics
27:24Is that good enough
27:25How can you not remember
27:27What you did at university
27:28I remember being in the lab
27:30I remember there was a lab
27:31I remember finding a girl
27:33Very attractive on the first day
27:34And thinking
27:34That's going to be
27:35The love of my life
27:36And then they gave me
27:36A lab coat
27:37And those huge specks
27:38And I realised the odds
27:40So was it a girl thing
27:42University
27:43Well it didn't work
27:45Well if it was
27:45No because if you did biology
27:46It would have done
27:47I didn't work
27:47Because my voice didn't break
27:48Until I was about 23
27:49That didn't help either
27:50When you sound like your mother
27:51On the phone
27:51Hello
27:51Hello
27:52It's not mummy
27:54It's Michael
27:55I'll get mummy for you
27:57Mummy
27:57Ben
27:58Then she would come in
27:59Hello
28:00I actually had hair
28:03Under one arm
28:04For a year
28:04That was an odd
28:05It was a difficult transition
28:10To manhood
28:10But I did buy my first car
28:12To try and sit
28:13To do swimming
28:14Which was a
28:15I got a Triumph Spitfire
28:16Convertible
28:17I had it for about six months
28:20And I hit a parked Volvo
28:25Which was not
28:26Of all the cars to hit
28:28It's not like I was picking them
28:29And then the owner of the Volvo
28:32It was outside his house
28:33He ran out
28:34And said
28:34He was very very angry
28:35And he came up to the guy
28:36And he said
28:37Are you drunk?
28:38And I got
28:39I was so flustered
28:40And I'd been told
28:40If you get into a crash
28:41Don't admit responsibility
28:43So I just said
28:44Are you drunk?
28:47To which he said
28:48I'm at home having dinner
28:50What are you talking about?
28:51So what are you driving at the moment?
28:55At the moment I have
28:56Well yeah
28:57My wife's car and my car
28:58We have two cars
28:59It's allowed
29:00It's allowed
29:01They haven't banned it yet
29:02They will
29:02But they haven't yet
29:03I feel a bit guilty
29:03About the car that I got her
29:05Because we thought
29:05Long and half about it
29:06You won't feel guilty
29:07Because I know you like
29:08These big cars
29:09I like all cars
29:10Right
29:10Except for the three we would drive
29:10I don't like an X5 4x4 car
29:12I don't like that
29:13Right
29:14A BMW X5
29:15Yeah I like it
29:16It's got seats
29:17And you go
29:17So it's got adjustable
29:22I love that though
29:23I've never had a car with that
29:24I try and drive
29:25At the most awkward positions
29:27I'll put it as far back
29:28Another thing with the modern issue
29:33With the car
29:34Is the parking sensors
29:35Which is brand new to me as well
29:37It just senses
29:37When the car's behind you
29:38I love the BMW
29:39Well you just go back
29:40It grows green and red
29:41It screams
29:42When it's going close
29:43It's like it's a little person
29:44Like that
29:45It's like it's two little people
29:49Unseen
29:49And they just go
29:50No, no, no, no, no, no
29:51Why didn't you describe
29:54The other day
29:55Motorways
29:55As the highways of life
29:57Well
29:57After Spitfire
29:58It sounds like
29:59I had a very good car
29:59I went into some really bad cars
30:02Well I had my wife's car after that
30:04Which was
30:05We shared that
30:06That was the mini
30:06Mini Mayfair
30:08That's alright
30:08It's a nice little car
30:09And then I had my Austin Metro Princess 1.0
30:12It had no fuel gauge
30:14Which was a bit of an issue
30:15Because I had to work out
30:16I had to look up the miles per gallon
30:18And then count the miles on the milometer
30:20To work out how much fuel I had
30:22Which worked for a time
30:23Until the milometer broke
30:25Then I had to guess
30:26What a mile was
30:27To try
30:28And then ultimately
30:29I ended up getting it wrong
30:31And I ran out of petrol
30:32And I ran to
30:34About half a mile
30:35I knew there was a petrol station
30:36Quite near
30:36And I ran there
30:37And I needed a jerry can
30:39But I didn't have one
30:40And I presumed
30:40They'd sell them in the petrol station
30:42And I was queuing up
30:43And I completely forgot
30:44The word for jerry can
30:45My mind went black
30:47And it was quite a long queue
30:48There was people behind me
30:49And I went
30:49Hi, I need a
30:50Oh, I need a thing
30:51You know
30:52Oh, God
30:53It's a thing that you
30:54You know
30:54You put petrol in it
30:55And the bloke just went
30:56Car
30:56The closest I got to
31:01Was petrol suitcase
31:03So this was
31:06This is why I suppose
31:08Because I spent a lot of time
31:09With the metro
31:10In the loser lane
31:11The slow lane
31:12Loser lane
31:13With the trucks
31:14And the lorries
31:15And the horses
31:16And the old people
31:18And the only way
31:20You could feel better
31:21About having such a terrible car
31:22Is you would occasionally
31:23Try and overtake
31:24Nicer cars on the motorway
31:25It's quite a
31:26Manly moment
31:27You're sitting there
31:28Chugging along at 60
31:29Which you're quite comfortable
31:30You'll see like a Porsche
31:31In the middle lane
31:32I'd say to my wife
31:33Have you seen that Porsche
31:34Over there
31:34She's like
31:34Yes, what of it?
31:35I'm having it
31:36She's like
31:38You can't
31:38The princess couldn't
31:39Overtake that Porsche
31:40It's a 1.0
31:41I can do this
31:42And you sort of
31:43Pull into the middle lane
31:44You start to get excited
31:45Then you get into the fast lane
31:47When you're in the fast lane
31:48In a terrible car
31:49You immediately know
31:49You don't belong
31:50Big range rovers
31:51Right up behind you
31:52Flashing
31:53Retreat to the loser lane
31:55Where you belong
31:55There are horses
31:57In the slow lane
31:58Going
31:59I've got to see this
32:00What's going on?
32:01I think the top speed
32:03Was about 76
32:04And you put your foot down
32:05And the whole car
32:06Would just shake
32:07Uncontrollably
32:07And you edge up
32:10It takes up between 40 to 45 minutes
32:12Just to pull alongside the Porsche
32:14My wife's going
32:14I told you!
32:17And you always have to look over
32:19You always have to look over
32:20When you're overtaken
32:21To see your victim
32:21Who are you, poor son?
32:28And you never make it
32:29Oh, fantastic
32:30He's normally on the phone
32:36He just sees you
32:36And goes
32:37Hold on
32:37I'll call you back
32:37Some dick from the loser
32:38Lanes
32:39Trying to overtake
32:39I do that to people
32:47Get back where you belong
32:49I'm that person
32:50I'm going to have to
32:50When I'm in the X5 now
32:52If I get overtaken
32:53Even if I'm home
32:55I will get back out
32:56And retake them
32:59Get back to you
33:00I've worked hard for this car
33:01I've driven
33:02Hundreds of miles
33:03Past where I live
33:04Just to overtake someone
33:05Back here
33:06The thing is though
33:08When we asked
33:10If you'd like to come on
33:11Yes
33:12You told the person
33:13Who rang you up
33:13That you'd be incredibly fast
33:15Going round our lap
33:16No, you
33:17I don't know if I did
33:18Did I?
33:18Actually, no
33:19To be honest
33:19I said I'll try
33:20Incredibly hard to be fast
33:21You said you'd be very fast
33:23It was more difficult
33:24Than I imagined
33:24Who here
33:28Would like to see
33:29The lap?
33:31Come on
33:33Let's have a look
33:33Here we go
33:35Now
33:35Let's see
33:36I suspect
33:36Go, go, go
33:38Heading down to the first corner
33:40Oh my god
33:42That's
33:43Ambitious
33:44Ambitiously fast
33:46Michael
33:46Okay
33:47Now
33:52To Chicago
33:52Again
33:53I'm suspecting
33:54We're going too fast
33:55Yes we are
33:56Lost a lot of time
33:57There with understeer
33:57That's a screaming
33:58F***ing one
33:59Into the hammerhead
34:02Trickiest corner
34:03Did you enjoy this?
34:04I just
34:04I didn't really
34:05I lost track of time
34:06When I was there
34:07There we go
34:08Actually that's not bad at all
34:10No you can relax after that
34:12And you are doing
34:17You are doing
34:20And that's pretty fast
34:21And I'm impressed with this
34:23I'm impressed with that
34:25God you really had picked up some
34:27God second to last corner
34:28That's nicely done
34:30And here we go
34:31Just gamble
34:31It's going to be an
34:33Oh my god
34:35Well done
34:38You nearly flipped it
34:41You nearly turned the damn thing over
34:45How close was that to rolling?
34:48I thought I was it
34:49I said my goodbyes
34:50It was pretty spectacular
34:52Wasn't it?
34:53Yeah
34:53It was a very ambitious
34:55Second half of the lap
34:56And a very
34:57Rubbish
34:58First half
34:59Too fast into the corners
35:01Where do you think?
35:04Where do you think you've come?
35:05Anywhere in the middle
35:06I'd be happy with
35:07But as the Sting said
35:08Conditions were perfect
35:09Michael McIntyre
35:13You did it
35:14In one minute
35:16Forty
35:19I like that
35:19I'm fine with that
35:20Eight
35:21Point
35:22Seven
35:23You're leaning forward
35:25You're in here
35:26Marky Mark
35:30And Michael McIntyre
35:32That's not a bad time
35:34I'm not happy
35:35That's right
35:36Didn't I say in the middle?
35:38That's right in the middle
35:39Of the whole thing
35:40You are the most average man
35:41In an average liberal star
35:43We've ever had
35:44However you are also
35:45One of the funniest
35:46Ladies and gentlemen
35:47Michael McIntyre
35:48Now
36:03If you are any sort of a car fan
36:08And you own an internet
36:09You will most probably have come across a chap called Ken Block on your ubook site
36:15Young people tell me he is an internet sensation,
36:19and that is why I went all the way to the United States in America
36:22to spend the day with him.
36:27I was told to meet him not at Dunkin' Donuts,
36:30but here at Inyakin Airfield in California.
36:36I can hear him coming now,
36:38and I suspect he won't be arriving in a straight line.
36:41No, he's more like a Game Station character
36:45who has emerged into the real world.
36:56And that's why his films get more than 10 million hits on FaceTube.
37:03Now, by day, Ken is a rally driver,
37:06but what's special about him is the way he sharpens his skills.
37:10You see, most rallyists prefer to practice in the forests of Wales or Finland,
37:15but Ken prefers to use... airports.
37:20The thing is, Mr Block,
37:22I look at this sleepy old airfield and this hangar
37:26and I think about pre-flight checks
37:28and the problems of weather cocking and crosswinds
37:30when you've got a castring tailwheel.
37:32That looks like a playground to me.
37:33In what way?
37:34Well, there's not so many places where you have a great mix
37:36of dirt and tarmac and open areas and...
37:40And parked aeroplanes.
37:41Yeah, they're nice obstacles.
37:45Obstacles?
37:45Do... I mean, the owners of them probably don't.
37:47Do they know?
37:48I'm not really sure.
37:51Ken has devised a course around this place,
37:54but he wants to keep the details a surprise.
37:56All I know is he'll be using his specially strengthened
38:00380 horsepower Subaru Impreza rally car
38:04and that today there's a seat going spare.
38:08I, Captain Slow, will be here
38:11with my bum on the best seat in the theatre of petrol
38:14in the royal box of rallying.
38:17Riding shotgun with Kenny from the block.
38:20And I don't even have to do pace notes
38:25because he knows the route.
38:29But you do, don't you?
38:30Hmm.
38:36Where are we going?
38:45Bloody hell!
38:50Mind the aeroplanes!
39:06Are you sure?
39:10Sure!
39:13Here we go again!
39:18Oh, God.
39:20Oh, God, that's unbelievable!
39:48Find the pole!
39:49Oh, God!
39:49Oh, God!
39:50That's a fire station!
40:20Next stop, Ken's eyeball spin dryer.
40:39Tarmac session over.
40:40It was time for a dirt workout.
40:42Oh, God.
40:43Whoa!
40:44Whoa!
40:45Whoa!
40:46Whoa!
40:48Whoa!
40:49Whoa!
40:51Whoa!
40:52Whoa!
40:56Wow, that's Mr. Ricky Carmichael, a good friend of mine.
40:59I think he's come out to play with us.
41:00As it happens, as it happens, Ricky is the greatest dirt biker in history, a 15 times undefeated champion.
41:08Go get it, Mr. Bloss.
41:12Ow!
41:13Oh, there it is.
41:18On the straights, Kenny was much faster, but Ricky was a genius at finding short cuts.
41:39Where's he go?
41:40Whoa.
41:40Whoa!
41:44Whoa!
41:47Whoa!
41:48Whoa!
41:49Whoa!
41:52Whoa!
41:52Kenny and Ricky wanted to play with some more plays.
41:59No! No! Goodbye, viewers!
42:13But those are the VZ2.
42:22He's getting away.
42:25Not over there, that's a jump.
42:26That's a main- that's a main- drop jump.
42:28Go!
42:53We're alive!
42:57That was incredible!
43:01God!
43:05I don't even know where we are.
43:07I don't know where we are.
43:12Well...
43:13Well done.
43:17Am I right in saying he's coming to Britain later this year to play on our track?
43:24Yes.
43:25We could use his aeroplane as one of the obstacles.
43:27Yes!
43:28No. The man's useless. He can't drive in a straight line.
43:32Captain Slow rather missing the point there.
43:35Anyway, earlier on, we sort of suggested that all cheap cars are rubbish.
43:40And the producers said that was nonsense and told us to go away,
43:42put our heads in some books and not take them out again
43:45until we'd come up with a cheap car that we all liked.
43:48And after a solid 24 minutes of reading,
43:51inevitably, we'd come up with three cheap cars that we liked.
43:54So, it was time to go down to our track to find out which one was best.
43:59This is my choice.
44:04It's a Skoda with a microscopic diesel engine and a top speed of 92.
44:10That doesn't sound so good, but it's called the Roomster.
44:14And that sounds great.
44:16Roomster.
44:17I'd like to think that's what Mark Boland would have called his lounge.
44:22This is what I've chosen, the meter.
44:25At £11,500, it costs exactly the same as Jeremy's diesel-powered van.
44:33But this is an Alfa Romeo.
44:35£11,500 for a brand-new Alfa Romeo.
44:39You'd have to have a heart of stone and a soul of custard to turn that down.
44:47Then James arrived in a dishwasher.
44:51This may have the engine from a dishwasher,
44:54just three cylinders and 1,000 cc,
44:57but it is the most futuristic and modern car here.
45:00It's called the Toyota IQ,
45:04and it is the biggest leap forward in small car design
45:07since Dinky went bust.
45:11In order to sort out which is the best car,
45:13we've each been allowed to choose one test.
45:16I'm going first, and I've decided the first test is going to be a drag race.
45:21Obviously.
45:22I'm not feeling very confident about this,
45:30because although I have the same power that James has in his Zanussi,
45:34the Roomster's a lot bigger and a lot heavier.
45:370-60 in 16.4 seconds.
45:41And that, in English, is exactly...
45:46one year.
45:46We've got James!
45:53Lost James!
45:57Hee-hee-hee!
45:57Not bad.
46:01And we're through!
46:05Shortly afterwards, the Indesit finished as well.
46:09And then the waiting began.
46:16Fifty!
46:22Fifty!
46:36Fifty-one!
46:37And in 1976, we went to Tenby. I had a cottage.
46:39We went there? Cottage?
46:40Yeah, nice.
46:41You must have been posh. We had a tent.
46:42Ooh, look!
46:43Yeah.
46:44Is that him, or is that just another car that's going on?
46:45I don't know.
46:46I've actually forgotten what this car looks like.
46:47Power, power, power, speed. Irrelevant.
46:50What's the excuse going to be?
46:51Ooh.
46:52Wrong kind of light.
46:53Tire pressure.
46:54Weather.
46:55You're lost, in case you're wondering.
46:56This car is a good one.
46:58It's a good one.
46:59It's a good one.
47:00It's a good one.
47:01It's a good one.
47:02It's a good one.
47:03It's a good one.
47:04It's a good one.
47:05In case you're wondering.
47:06This car, faster than a Porsche 911 Turbo.
47:11Yes!
47:12How do you make that out?
47:13Well, if a Porsche's doing 30, I'm doing 35, I could easily get by.
47:18What if it was doing 93?
47:19Well, that would be against the law.
47:21He'd hopefully have his licence taken away.
47:23There's another thing as well about this.
47:25What?
47:25That is pure Lancia Stratos.
47:28No, it isn't.
47:29No, I'm glad you...
47:30It just is. What do you mean, no, it isn't?
47:31It just isn't.
47:32It says the man in the Indusit.
47:33What? Come on.
47:34Can I just bring you back to my point, which is that only one of these three cars is an
47:39Alfa Romeo.
47:40The Alfa Romeo, which, if you peel away the body, is a Fiat Punto.
47:44It's an Alfa Romeo.
47:45It's a Fiat Punto with Alfa written on it.
47:47This is a Stratos!
47:48It was then my turn to dream up a test, and since I had a Toyota, I thought we should measure quality.
47:54Right, each car is equipped with one of these.
47:58It's a Vs. It's a decibel-oh-meter.
48:00This will measure how loud your car is through Lionel Richie's head in the 1980s.
48:04You're also going to be sitting on one of these.
48:06This is a vibration and harshness-oh-meter, and this measures vibration and harshness in
48:11the three planes.
48:11Right! Let's do it!
48:12It's got three axes of measurement, X, Y, and the verno.
48:15Does it produce a number at the end of the test?
48:17Yes, it does.
48:18Right.
48:19Got that.
48:20Yeah, let's do it.
48:21Okay.
48:22With the equipment installed, we set off at a scientific 50 miles an hour.
48:36This may only have a three-cylinder diesel engine, but it's so quiet in here, I can hear
48:42my hair growing.
48:44Jeremy, it's a noise test, and the machine is picking up your voice.
48:50After another run, we pulled over to see who'd won.
48:54How big is my victory?
48:56Not great.
48:57You two are neck and neck at 63 decibels of noise.
49:00I have 61.
49:02So that's better.
49:02Yeah, that is better.
49:03It's quieter.
49:04Yes, low numbers are better.
49:05Vibration and harshness, Jeremy, 2.1.
49:08Yes!
49:09Well, let's see.
49:10Hammond, 1.8.
49:11Ha-ha!
49:12And I'm 1.5.
49:13Oh.
49:14But it doesn't matter, because it is now time for my test, and what we're going to do
49:18now is a lap of the track.
49:20Oh, well, your Skoda van's going to cream that, isn't it?
49:22Why...
49:23While carrying something.
49:25What?
49:26A dog.
49:27Let me guess.
49:27Is it a King Charles Spaniel?
49:29No.
49:29In fact, I'd lined up Lance, an Irish wolfhound, Millie, a Great Dane, and Alfie, a St. Bernard.
49:38OK, here's how it works, right?
49:42Yes.
49:42Start the clock, then you load the dog into the car.
49:46You may have to lower your rear seats, OK, to get it in, yes?
49:49Yes.
49:49Then you do a lap, cross the line, stop the clock.
49:52I'll go and get my dog, then?
49:53Yes.
49:54There is one rule in my test, OK?
49:57Don't drive like an idiot on the lap.
49:58If, when you get back, this dog looks sad, you're disqualified.
50:02Sad.
50:03OK, Lance, come on.
50:04The St. Bernard's always looks sad.
50:07Ready?
50:08Go.
50:10He's in.
50:11Oh.
50:12I don't need that.
50:14No, flat, flat.
50:15I can't get it flat, I've got to.
50:17Lance, mind that, mate.
50:18Rearranging the innards of the alpha was tricky.
50:21Yes.
50:21There are three bits to lift up.
50:23Yeah.
50:23You in?
50:24No, I haven't done the squab.
50:26Come on.
50:26One minute, 32, and the dog is still not in the car.
50:31Up, up, up, up, lads.
50:33Up.
50:34Two minutes, nine seconds.
50:35In you go, in you go, in you go.
50:37Yeah, there you go, good boy.
50:38Oh, that's, oh, that's awkward.
50:40This is quite embarrassing now.
50:41Oh, hang on.
50:42There you go.
50:43Finally, Phil Drabble was ready to go.
50:48Now, there's a racing start, and there's that.
50:52That's it, good boy.
50:53Your breath stings.
50:54It's terrible.
50:56This is a brilliant test.
50:58There are 8 million dogs in the UK.
51:0123% of all households have a dog.
51:04Oh, oh.
51:06A car that can't handle a dog, frankly, is useless.
51:12Oh, God, it's all right.
51:13You're all right.
51:14Oh, good boy.
51:15It's the first alpha to have Alfa Romeo's new DNA system.
51:18What that means is you get a switch down here that says D-N-A.
51:22They stand for normal, dynamic, which tightens up and sharpens the throttle, the steering.
51:29If you put it in all weather, that lets the traction control know it might get slippy out there.
51:34But anxious not to be disqualified for upsetting the dog, I left everything in very normal.
51:417 minutes and 13 seconds.
51:43Yeah, now, I happen to know that actually that is a very good time for an Alfa Romeo meter around our track with a wolfhound on board.
51:50Does he look sad?
51:52No, I wouldn't say that's a sad dog.
51:54Bored? Bored out of his mind?
51:56Yeah.
51:57Maybe my great dame would have a more exciting time.
52:01Go.
52:02Come on, Millie. Up, up. There you go. Look at that.
52:05Here, there's a water tray for you.
52:06Oh, it leaks a bit.
52:09£11,500, you can lift the rear seats out or fold them down, but all I'm going to do is pull them forwards, which gives Millie a bit more room.
52:20Here we go. How do you feel now, dog? Yeah! What do you think of that?
52:26What it needs is a substantial snack midway around the lap. Say, a leg, a head.
52:32This, of course, isn't really a Skoda. Peel away the body and underneath, at the front, it's a Volkswagen Polo. At the back, it's a Volkswagen Golf. The engine is from a Volkswagen.
52:44And it's so beautifully made. Sorry.
52:48Now, building up speed. Dogs don't mind speed in a straight line. They love it.
52:55Here we come. Dr. Doolittle's on his way.
52:58And...
52:58Oh, it's not a lumpy yawn. Please don't be a lumpy yawn.
53:04Delighted.
53:05She's had light, space, air conditioning, slobbered on the car. She loved it so much.
53:10How do we know that wasn't you?
53:11Just tell me the time.
53:13Four minutes, 13.
53:14Oh, God. Three minutes faster than you.
53:18But would the Skoda be a match for the genius of the IQ?
53:23This is actually one of the most cleverly packaged small cars in history.
53:28It is, in fact, the smallest four-seat car ever.
53:32And it's all down to very innovative stuff, like the fuel tank, which is very shallow and
53:37very long, so that it doesn't intrude into the passenger space.
53:40The engine is the other way round from the way it is in other front-wheel drive cars, so
53:43that the differential and the transmission are at the front.
53:46That means the wheels can go forward and save more space down here.
53:49I think all this will stand me in good stead with my enormous dog.
53:55Three, two, one, go.
53:58Right.
54:02There's no space at all.
54:04The seats go down.
54:05Anyway, can you stop interfering with my time?
54:08He can't get in.
54:10He can.
54:10He can't.
54:11He doesn't know whether to get in or mate with it.
54:13No, Alfie, come on.
54:14What are you going to do? Drive around like that, I hope you can keep up.
54:16Alfie, come on.
54:17In there, you can stick your head out the window.
54:19What are you doing?
54:20Alfie.
54:20No, that's no good.
54:23Sit up. Sit up.
54:25Alfie.
54:25Good dog.
54:27Eventually, James' hot point set off.
54:30Oh, you've got gum on the gear stick.
54:34Of course, the IQ is a little bit like a small city supercar.
54:37If the wheels are right on the corners, it's extremely agile.
54:41And it has a really small boot, like the Bugatti Veyron.
54:45Thanks for that.
54:45Nobody, unless they have no legs, could possibly sit in the back.
54:51Hold on, a bit of a left hand.
54:52Oh, bloody hell.
54:53In James' hands, the dishwasher was on a very slow cycle.
54:58Gambon con, he could spin off here at any point.
55:01Two dogs coming across the line in a hot point.
55:04Oh, no.
55:06Walkies, walkies.
55:07Oh, that is a miserable-looking dog.
55:10Look at that face.
55:10Oh, that's making me sad just looking at him.
55:13That's his normal face.
55:15Do you want to hear what your time was?
55:176.40, 6.48.
55:19You beat an Alfa Romeo.
55:21That's the saddest-looking spectacle I've ever seen.
55:25And it's your fault.
55:26If you're from the RSPCA, write to us at James May is a bastard.
55:31Top Gear London.
55:32With a score at one each, we left the track and headed out into the real world.
55:41The idea is very simple.
55:44We shall drive to London to see which one looks best in the fashionable streets of Notting Hill.
55:49Well, it'll be mine.
55:54It just will.
55:55This is an Alfa Romeo, which is Latin for, yes, I will, but only because of your special car.
56:04Meanwhile, I'd unearthed a problem with this, the cheapest version of the Rooster.
56:10This just isn't powerful enough.
56:12There's never a gap big enough for you to pull out and get up to 70 before someone's caught you up.
56:19Here we go.
56:20Foot hard down.
56:22Sorry.
56:23Sorry.
56:24Yes, he's shaking his head, and I don't blame him.
56:28In London, we pulled over for another real world test.
56:33Okay, we brimmed the tanks down at the track, so now we're in London.
56:38Let's see, who's used the least fuel?
56:42I don't feel all that confident on this one.
56:46£4.16.
56:47The three-cylinder diesel engine.
56:53Yes.
56:53Yeah.
56:54Follow me.
56:56Eh?
56:56What?
56:57You have to mash your foot down just to do 20 miles an hour, and that's the result.
57:03You're better off with a bigger engine.
57:04You would be.
57:05Anyway, listen, I've got an idea.
57:08First one to see, another one of their own cars wins.
57:11So if in Notting Hill you see an Alfa-Mito...
57:15No, I'll go with that.
57:18As darkness fell, we began to near Chiabatta Central.
57:21Come on, let's just pass round here.
57:25Richard Branson lives up here on the right-hand side.
57:29Does he have a rumster?
57:31No.
57:32We're about to penetrate Notting Hill, James.
57:37We'll go round that bend.
57:38That will be awash with brand new IQs.
57:43He was wrong.
57:46We all were.
57:50Fit 500.
57:52Fit 500.
57:54Fit 500.
57:55Fit 500.
57:57Fit 500.
57:58Fit 500.
57:59Fit 500.
58:11Fit 500.
58:12Fit 500.
58:12Fit 500.
58:12Fit 500.
58:15Now, there's a very good reason why I chose the Skoda Rumster rather than the Fiat 500 as the best cheap car in Britain.
58:23And it's because, quite simply, I forgot about the Fiat.
58:29But, what if you want a car that begins with A?
58:37So there we are.
58:38If you want a small, cheap, good-looking, practical car that's fast, economical and can carry a St. Bernard, remember, we know nothing.
58:48If we did a travel programme, we'd finish up by saying, and there you are, the best place to go on holiday in Europe is Belgium.
59:12Oh, wait, no, we forgot France.
59:14I don't like the Fiat 500.
59:16Oh, God.
59:17Or France.
59:19That really isn't a bombshell, is it?
59:21But, we do have a couple next week, because these two have a race with Postman Pat and I declare war on the British Army.
59:27See you then.
59:28Take care.
59:28Good night.
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