- 3 months ago
A female correspondent arrives to visit the boat and wants to accompany them on a Pacific tour. McHale does not want her to join so he forbids his men to clean up the boat, and plans ways to get rid of her.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00The End
00:30The End
01:00Captain, set up on it
01:00Yes, sir
01:01About the mission, sir
01:03Oh, that's
01:03It's top level
01:04Really top level
01:05The Office of War Information
01:07Is sending an important
01:08War correspondent out here
01:09Going to do a story
01:10On PT boats
01:11Pictures
01:12How you operate at sea
01:13That crummy sightseeing cruise
01:15Copy, you can have it
01:16Don't interrupt me
01:17And watch your language
01:18Yes, sir
01:19Sir
01:19In light of Commander McHale's
01:21Heroic rescue of that bomber crew
01:22I request permission
01:23To withdraw from any
01:24Consideration from this mission
01:25Oh, no, you don't
01:27Captain, if pictures of my disorganized
01:29Slipshot, sloppy boat
01:30Get back to the States
01:32Why don't you just wreck the home front?
01:34Yes, sir
01:34Well, you know, though, Skip
01:35If we scrubbed ours down a bit
01:36Have you lost the feeling?
01:39Yes
01:40I really am surprised at you, man
01:43You would think
01:45With all the time
01:45That you have spent
01:46In these islands
01:47That you would welcome
01:48The opportunity
01:48To have an American
01:49Woman aboard
01:52A dame
01:52A woman
01:53A lady
01:53Yes, sir
01:54I request permission
01:55To withdraw my request
01:56For permission to withdraw
01:56From this mission, sir
01:57Captain, my boat
01:59Isn't really sloppy, sir
02:00It's just got that
02:00Lived-in look
02:01Yes, sir
02:01I can do an assignment like this
02:02You need a man of my count
02:03And he can go out
02:04And show the people
02:05That this is the kind of
02:06Man I'll have
02:07Please, sir
02:08Take care
02:09To gerne
02:11To
02:11Like this
02:11A man
02:11To
02:14As
02:17Answers
02:18To
02:20Get
02:25To
02:34To
02:35To
02:37To
02:37To
02:37To
02:37To
02:37To
02:38To
02:38I'll match you for it.
02:55Okay, I'll put that coin away.
02:57If I know you, it's got two heads.
02:59Heads.
02:59Tails.
03:02You two men will have your ships ready for inspection first thing in the morning.
03:05Yes, sir.
03:06Uh, the crew that makes the best showing will have the honor of being the host for the correspondent, Miss, uh, uh, Brent.
03:14Patricia Brent?
03:16You know her?
03:18Uh, we-we've met.
03:27Good afternoon, my dear.
03:28Welcome to World War II.
03:31Were you headed anywhere special, or are you here to brighten up the day for the enlisted man?
03:34Well, as a matter of fact, I was on my way to the ship's store to pick up a package.
03:37Oh?
03:38Well, step out of that, uh, tired, tropical, beastly sun.
03:41We can't have that freckling up that adorable nose.
03:44Now, about that package.
03:45Well, it's a carton of film for Miss Patricia Brent of World Photos.
03:48Miss Patricia Brent, right?
03:49Right.
03:50I'll be back before you can say Torpedo Man Lester Gruber, I love you.
03:53Good afternoon, my dear.
03:59Good afternoon, Captain.
04:00How are you?
04:01Fine.
04:01Good, good.
04:02You're finding your way around all right?
04:03Yes.
04:07Here you are, Angel.
04:08Now, I know a preacher.
04:09We can't be alone.
04:09Just you and me and the captain?
04:13Stop that, Sammy.
04:14What's the matter with you?
04:15My jeep is right over here, my dear.
04:18Hey, aren't you one of McHale's pirates?
04:20Get back to your island.
04:22Goodbye, Gruber.
04:23And thank you.
04:28Ah, come on, you guys.
04:30Haven't you ever seen an officer pull right before?
04:36Hey, Gruber.
04:37You can ask me.
04:38I'll tell you guys, stop shooting the breeze.
04:40We've got work to do.
04:41Where are the mops, the rags, the buckets?
04:42What are you wrong with the mire?
04:43We're going to have a big inspection of mire.
04:45It's your partner.
04:46It must be some mistake.
04:47Ah, this inspection's going to be worthwhile.
04:49You know what we get if we win?
04:50A dame!
04:50I don't know.
04:52Who is she?
04:53A gorgeous newspaper gal by the name of Patricia Brent.
04:56And she's nuts about me.
04:57You should have heard her.
04:58She called me Gruber.
05:00A dame war correspondent?
05:02Yeah, and built like a battleship.
05:03I'd settle for a cruiser myself.
05:06Okay, okay.
05:07What gives?
05:08Well, I got the poop from Binghamton's Jeep driver.
05:10This inspection's a contest between us and Carpenter's boat.
05:12Whoever wins gets this dial for a full week.
05:15No contest.
05:16Let's not just stand around, fellas.
05:18Get going.
05:18Get the red.
05:19I'm in the air, Chef!
05:29Hey!
05:32Why them blue blazers going on here?
05:35I heard about the inspection, Skipper.
05:36We want to get a head start.
05:37Come into the show, that Carpenter winning a walk.
05:41Come on, you guys.
05:42Down.
05:43Down, boys.
05:44Down.
05:44Nothing. What's the idea, Skip? We've got a lot of cleaning to do.
05:47Oh, no, there's nobody cleaning anything. Not on board my ship, you don't.
05:50Well, then how are you going to win the inspection?
05:52Well, that's just the whole point, you happy little bunch of homemakers.
05:56This is one inspection we're going to make sure we lose.
05:58But Gruber said she was gorgeous.
06:01Oh, Gruber, boy.
06:05You've been out here too long, buddy.
06:07Take my word for it. I've seen this female scare witch doctors.
06:11Just leave the rust right where it's at, huh?
06:14What I said still goes. We blow the inspection.
06:17Oh, jeez. Skip, just when we get a chance we're close to a day.
06:20Quiet, you belch rats.
06:22And remember this.
06:24Until this inspection's over, I'm running a tight ship.
06:27And a dirty ship.
06:38You heard the skipper, Gruber. Drop it.
06:40Yeah, it's too warm for a mutiny.
06:42Hey, look, guys. I don't know what's with the skipper, but this time he's way off base.
06:46I tell you, I saw this newspaper gal in my baby blues at 2020.
06:49Yeah, well, I wonder why he gave us a bum steer.
06:51Who knows? He must have her mixed up with three other dames.
06:54Take it from me, you'll be kissing my toes when you see her.
06:56You say she's really a dish, huh?
06:58Like Betty Graber with a little Rita Hayward thrown in upstairs.
07:00Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
07:05You know, there's more than one way to skin an eager beaver.
07:08Well, what do you mean?
07:09If we can't polish up our boat, there's only one thing left to do.
07:13Louse up Carpenter and his bunch.
07:15Hey, you mean it?
07:16Willie, go out and promote a bucket of lamplack.
07:20Stop that.
07:21Get a lot alive. We're gonna need it.
07:22Okay.
07:23Marge, you and Fooj, come with me.
07:25I know where the 116 boys get their laundry done.
07:28What do we do there?
07:29Sabotage.
07:30I'll stop.
07:31You can say that again.
07:33Let's go.
07:38Lalani kissed better since last lesson?
07:41I need you the right to the head of the class.
07:45This is it.
07:46Go, samurai.
07:48Help!
07:50Man escaping!
07:53There's an award.
07:55Hey, Sabotage, allow your hands.
08:00Sorry, madam.
08:02Fortune's a war.
08:07Lieutenant Carpenter need these for big inspection tomorrow.
08:11Nice of you boys to help.
08:13What else do we do?
08:15Hey, you there.
08:16Put in more starch.
08:17Don't try anything funny.
08:18I got you covered.
08:21Banzai!
08:23How much starch?
08:24Nonsense.
08:25Nothing's too good for confidence, bro.
08:27Time for another lesson, honey.
08:39Get hands off.
08:43Well, Mikhail, I must say your boat is in fine shape.
08:46How about it?
08:47For a garbage gal, for a PT boat, it's a disgrace.
08:51An absolute disgrace.
08:53Yes, sir.
08:54Let's go, Carpenter.
08:56So, Mikhail, you might as well go with us.
08:58I'd like to have you see what a boat that's part of our Navy looks like.
09:02I am certain Edson Burns will have everything ship-shaped, sir.
09:04Mikhail, I don't know why I'm bothering to inspect the 116 at all.
09:18It's obviously no contest.
09:19Well, so those are the breaks.
09:20I'm sure Miss Brent will enjoy herself aboard our boat, sir.
09:23That is, of course, if we win the inspection, which I am sure...
09:25Is this your idea of some sort of a joke?
09:42No, sir.
09:43I don't understand it, sir.
09:44Really, I don't...
09:45Mister, tell me just what is going on here.
09:47I don't know, sir.
09:48This is the way the uniforms came back from the laundry.
09:50We had nothing else to put on.
09:51Well, let's get on.
09:55Let's get out of my way.
10:03Well, Lieutenant, I don't know what's going on here,
10:05but I intend to get to the bottom of it.
10:16Get overboard!
10:21I'm terribly sorry, sir.
10:32Sorry, he says.
10:34Mikhail, you win the inspection by default?
10:37No.
10:38This is the most...
10:39I could just scream.
10:43Hey, get a load of that.
10:51What a dish.
10:52Rub's right.
10:53She's gorgeous.
10:54Ba-ba-ba-boom.
10:55Let me handle this.
10:57Hiya, beautiful.
10:58Welcome aboard.
10:59Just consider this your home away from home.
11:02I'd like to speak to Commander Mikhail.
11:03Yeah, hey, Hap, get the skip.
11:05Okay.
11:05Tinker's the name.
11:06If you'll step right this way.
11:11Ba-ba-ba-boom.
11:11I don't want to show you around.
11:14She's here, Skip.
11:15That newspaper lady.
11:17Well, you guys asked for it.
11:18I bet you're sorry you didn't listen to me now.
11:20Hey, Skip, you've got to get yourself a pair of specs.
11:23She's a dream walking.
11:24A dream?
11:26Not the Patricia Brent I know.
11:28Well, look for yourself.
11:32Oh, my.
11:33That ain't Tinker.
11:42This, dear lady, is where I keep my torpedoes.
11:45Our torpedoes.
11:46My torpedoes.
11:48Commander Mikhail?
11:49Yeah, that's right.
11:50That's right.
11:50I'm from the Office of War Information.
11:52Carol Kimberley.
11:53Office of War Information, Carol.
11:54How do you do, Miss Kimberly?
11:55That isn't the name Gruber said.
11:57I don't know it.
11:58I hope it won't be too inconvenient for you having a woman on your boat.
12:02Oh, no, no.
12:03We can put your stuff downstairs and you can have my bed.
12:06I can sleep on the floor.
12:08Deck.
12:09That's Navy talk.
12:10I won't be coming with you.
12:11Oh?
12:12No, I just brought Miss Brent down.
12:14Oh.
12:15Hey, is there somebody going to give me a hand with this stuff?
12:17Hey, you there, be careful.
12:25Those are cameras, not coconuts.
12:27Hey, you men, can I give a Gruber a hand with Miss Brent's gear?
12:30Miss Patricia Brent.
12:31That's Patricia Brent?
12:34Quinn McHale.
12:36Hello, Pat.
12:37Well, they're really scraping the bottom of the barrel when they put an old tramp ship
12:41captain like you on one of these sea-going firecrackers.
12:45Thank you, Patricia.
12:45Grober, have you met Miss Brent?
12:49This is the Miss Patricia Brent I was telling you about.
12:52I've had the pleasure.
12:54Quinn, I want to tell you right now.
12:56I'll need a room with running water to develop my film,
12:58complete freedom of action, and a galley to myself.
13:01I'm up to here with Navy cooking.
13:04Oh, I'm sure Commander McHale will give you his fullest cooperation.
13:07Won't you, Commander?
13:08Oh, gosh, gosh.
13:09Oh, of course he will.
13:10Captain Binghamton made a point of it.
13:12All right, you men, get those things aboard
13:14and then get the rest of my luggage from the jeep.
13:16Well, don't just stand there.
13:18I've got a deadline to meet.
13:19All right, you men, get my gear and be careful.
13:35Come on.
13:38Look, will you cover up your positively indecent?
13:41How about using those buttons, huh?
13:43Would you tuck your shirt in?
13:45Oh, what is this, a PT base or a burlesque shawl?
13:50Patricia, maybe you prefer to do your story on some other crew.
13:54You know, Lieutenant Kompano has a much need of it.
13:57Oh, no, you're not going to get rid of me that fast.
14:00Now, where can I set up my dark room?
14:03Well, we thought we'd set up a tent for you and...
14:05A tent?
14:06Forget it.
14:08That shanty over there doesn't look too seedy.
14:09I'll just move in there.
14:10Oh, oh, oh, oh.
14:12That's my hut.
14:13Thanks, Quentin.
14:14I'll tell Captain Binghamton you've been most gracious.
14:21Thanks, Quentin.
14:22Who I'd like to...
14:23Want to share my hut, Skip?
14:24We had to listen to you.
14:29Okay, okay, so I made a little mistake.
14:31Little mistake, huh?
14:32You promised us Miss America we wind up with the Bride of Frankenstein.
14:35Even he wouldn't marry us.
14:37She's a beast.
14:38What a drag.
14:39Let's go talk to the skip.
14:41It's a good idea, Willie.
14:42Hey, Skipper, you've got to get us out of this.
14:44Get rid of that, Willie.
14:45Give us a break.
14:46Yeah, yeah, give us a break.
14:47You've got to get us out of this.
14:48I'll let you guys stew in your own pot just to teach you a lesson.
14:52But I don't deserve that kind of punishment.
14:54Well, it's Gruber's fault.
14:55You got a plan, Skip?
15:00Come here, you wait, Waltz.
15:03Now, our guest came right to the boat from the plane, huh?
15:06Right.
15:07So, uh, that means the carpenter and his crew didn't see her.
15:10Am I right?
15:11Yeah.
15:12Now, we've got to make sure that they don't see her.
15:14So, Tinker, this afternoon, you and Willie take her for a ride, say, up, uh, up past the fishing village.
15:24In the jeep?
15:25In the jeep.
15:26In the canoe.
15:26Oh, so you want us to drown her?
15:31Well, not unless it's absolutely necessary.
15:40Enough of this.
15:41Up around the next bend, there's a dandy clump of palms.
15:45Might be some Jap snipers in them.
15:46So, keep your camera handy.
15:48Look, sailor, you've kept me out in this wooden bathtub all afternoon.
15:51And so far, all I've shot are happy natives fishing, happy natives swimming, and happy natives in their happy huts.
15:58Don't you like happy natives, ma'am?
15:59I'm set out here to do a war story on P.T. boats, remember?
16:03Where's the action?
16:04Where's the Japanese Navy?
16:05What's the matter with you sailors?
16:12It's the 116.
16:13Carpenter's boat.
16:14If they see how the skipper's plan is shot.
16:17Isn't that a P.T. boat?
16:19Sure, it's the 116.
16:21I don't see anything.
16:23Launch, sailors, and I use the term loosely.
16:25Paddle this thing closer so I can get a few shots.
16:27This may be as close as I get to any action at all.
16:30Hey, do you hear that, Tink?
16:31She wants some action.
16:33Ma'am, I'd show you how we'd operate if that was the enemy.
16:36Duck!
16:37Hey, what's going on here?
16:39Oh, look at the...
16:40Ahoy the canoe!
16:47Do you need a hand?
16:48Negative, just cooling off.
16:53Hey!
16:54Hey, you and the P.T. boat!
16:56Save me from these idiots!
16:58I want to go back to the bank base immediately!
17:18Okay, Chuck.
17:19Now, Miss Brent ought to be safely out of the way.
17:21So, from here on in, everything's got to go like clockwork.
17:24Right.
17:25Skip.
17:27Let's synchronize our watches.
17:28What for?
17:30Look, all you have to do is to walk in through that door with that OWI gal, Carol Kimberley,
17:35in exactly 15 minutes from now.
17:38Check.
17:38Can we let Carpenter think it's Miss Brent?
17:40Right, right.
17:41Hey, Skip.
17:42It's kind of sneaky, isn't it?
17:43Just you make sure, no matter what, that you don't come over to us, or the whole plot blows up.
17:50Right.
17:50Got it?
17:51Okay.
17:52Zero hour is precisely 16.10.
17:56Over and out.
17:56I wouldn't blame you if you didn't talk to me at all.
18:23Well, after 16 months, the first beautiful blonde comes by, and what happens?
18:29You louse up my inspection.
18:30That's what happens.
18:31It's Lieutenant Cop.
18:32Elroy, you don't think that I...
18:35Well, I thought you knew me better.
18:37Well, it was just a couple of rotten apples in my crew.
18:40Oh, thanks.
18:42Come on, Elroy.
18:43Buddy.
18:45Come on.
18:47Well, you're a big man, Elroy.
18:51Ah, yes, sir.
18:55You're a real pal for drinking with me.
18:58Well, when you come right down to it, Quint.
19:01Quint, Quint, Quint's the name.
19:03Women are just like torpedoes.
19:04You've seen one of them, you've seen them all.
19:06Ah, you wouldn't say that, old buddy, if you'd seen Miss Brent.
19:09She is without a doubt.
19:12Oh, hi, we'll see you kitties back at the boat.
19:15What?
19:18How's that for a torpedo?
19:20Wow, oui.
19:21Wasn't that gorgeous?
19:24Now do you see why it's going to be so hard for me to give her up?
19:27Well, sure, how...
19:27Give her up?
19:29What do you mean?
19:30Well, surely you didn't think I'd let my crew keep her after the way they got her?
19:33Now, sir, oh, no, not this boy.
19:37I don't understand.
19:39Did you ask me to drop into the club for a drink, or didn't you?
19:42Well, yeah, but I just remembered.
19:44I got a little something back in my quarters.
19:46I thought maybe we could have a little hooker of sherry.
19:48Just you and I.
19:49Kids, you wouldn't.
19:52Yeah, you're right, I wouldn't.
19:53Let's go back inside and at least be polite.
19:55Polite?
19:56Oh, boy, you don't know Commander McHale.
19:58No, and he gets mad.
19:59Oh, no, you're coming with me, baby, and that's it.
20:01Oh, can't shut.
20:05What's going on here, mister?
20:06What, what, what?
20:08Is he bothering you, my dear?
20:09Oh, no, no, Captain.
20:11As a matter of fact, we were just going inside to have a drink.
20:13Weren't we inside?
20:14Yes, we were.
20:17Yes, we were.
20:18On our way.
20:19Hey, that's a bully idea.
20:20Why don't we all take a little time out for a martini break?
20:23My feet.
20:24Oh, say, have you seen the movie?
20:28Want to go down to the PX and look at cameras?
20:29We, we could all, uh...
20:32Oh, shut up.
20:34I still don't understand why you...
20:35But don't you see?
20:36If I let my men get away with a thing like this, it would mean the end of all discipline on my boat.
20:42Hell, boy.
20:43I beg of you.
20:45You've got to take her.
20:47I'd sure like to help you out, Clint, but...
20:49What would Captain Binghamton say?
20:51Oh, nothing.
20:52Then I'd just tell him I suddenly developed engine trouble, and...
20:55Holy Toledo.
20:59Captain Binghamton, sir!
21:01Oh, uh, greetings, Captain.
21:02I never can't put the beers away, boys.
21:04It's martini time.
21:05The drink's on me.
21:06Oh.
21:07It certainly is a pleasure to finally meet you, Miss Brent.
21:09Uh, nice of you to offer, Captain, but this round's on me.
21:12Now, bartender, take their orders.
21:14Oh, I'm not Miss Brent.
21:15No, I'm Carol Kimberly.
21:17Bartender, can't you snap it up?
21:18Can't you see these people are thirsty?
21:20I'm not a double.
21:22You mean you're not Patricia Brent?
21:23No, of course she isn't.
21:25Well, what do you know?
21:26Yeah, you're both right.
21:27Peepers must be giving out on me, yes.
21:29What's going on here?
21:31That's what I'd like to know, sir,
21:32because Commander McHale here has been trying to pass off Miss Kimberly as Patricia Brent.
21:35Oh, now, wait a minute.
21:36Copping a hole out.
21:36Do you have any elderberry wine?
21:38Yes, give me some elderberry wine.
21:39I don't trust a lemon in it.
21:41Hanson, hold your tongue, McHale.
21:45Miss Brent is one of our leading correspondents.
21:48Yes, sir.
21:48She visits us directly on orders from the Pentagon.
21:51Now, if anything has happened to her, so help me nimitz.
21:54Oh, no, no, just relax, Captain.
21:56Two of my men have Miss Brent out taking photographs.
21:59I guarantee you she's just fine.
22:01Yes, sir.
22:03Yeah.
22:03If you don't believe him, just ask her.
22:05There she is.
22:06That's Miss Brent.
22:16I told you I had engine trouble.
22:18Brent, what happened to you?
22:20Oh, Miss Brent, are you all right?
22:21Patricia, you been for a swim?
22:23You know perfectly well where I've been.
22:26Two of his men tried to drown me.
22:28Well, you told him not to do that unless it was absolutely...
22:31McHale, you've pulled some dastardly deeds in your day.
22:36Oh?
22:36Yes, but this is the absolute Saturday end.
22:39I'll have the charge forms drawn and a court-martial put together before you can say Leavenworth.
22:43You can forget the court-martial, Captain.
22:46I figured out a much better punishment for our dear commander.
22:49How?
22:50You're not getting rid of me this easily, McHale.
22:52Instead of one week, I'm going to be here for two.
22:55Two?
22:56You heard me, and on your boat.
22:59So I'll be up here at 0700 tomorrow morning and be prepared.
23:02Our battle has just begun.
23:06Ashoot!
23:08Gesundheit.
23:09Brent, I just got this back in the laundry.
23:11If you'll come with me, I'll get you into some kind of things.
23:20I can just scream.
23:31Can't we clobber him just once?
23:33Stoad, Stoad, what's the matter with you guys?
23:35Knock it off.
23:38Hey, here it comes.
23:38Let's not laugh out loud.
23:47We don't want to hurt Ms. Brent's feelings.
23:49All right.
23:50She's coming.
23:51So you stand by and take your punishment like men.
24:00Hello, Pat.
24:00Miss Kimberly.
24:05What are you doing here?
24:06Where's the monster?
24:07I just came from the infirmary.
24:09Miss Brent caught a terrible cold from that dunking she took yesterday.
24:13Oh, that means the magazine story's off, huh?
24:15Oh, no, no.
24:16She insisted on completing the assignment, so she asked me to pinch hit for it.
24:20Robert, would you take my luggage aboard the 73?
24:23Say, maybe we can have that little drink, I promise you.
24:36That's why I got to...
24:36Shut up,
24:47what are you doing?
24:49Oh, no.
24:50Yeah.
24:50Oh, no.
24:51Come on.
24:52Come on.
24:52Come on.
24:53Come on!
24:54Come on.
24:54Come on.
24:56Come on.
24:56Come on.
24:57Come on.
24:58Come on.
24:59Come on.
25:00Come one.
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