- 2 days ago
McHale's Navy (1962) Fed up with a lack of respect from The Crew, and low on self-esteem, Parker puts in for a transfer.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00There it is!
00:07It's gonna surface!
00:08We're after hard abort!
00:11That's a starboard!
00:13I said abort!
00:14All right, Mr. Parker, I know what the skipper was.
00:16Yeah, it's heading right for us!
00:18Steady as she goes, Christie!
00:20Full speed ahead, sir!
00:22Don't bother the skipper, he's got his hands full!
00:24Excuse me, sir!
00:25You're lying!
00:29Keep going!
00:30A little more, a little more!
00:31Hold it, hold it!
00:32I got you!
00:36Look at him, look at him!
00:37Look at him!
00:38I see him!
00:38I see him!
00:39I got him, I got him!
00:40I got him!
00:41Oh, boy!
00:42I took a piece of towel now tonight!
00:44Hang on!
00:45Hang on!
00:45Hang on!
00:46Hang on!
00:47Hang on!
00:47Hang on!
00:48Hang on!
00:55Hang on!
01:25What is all this about?
01:39Well, Tinker and I just requisitioned some stuff from the main base that we need.
01:41Some beer and a case of shrimp.
01:43And my chocolate?
01:44Now, gentlemen, I have had just about all I can stand.
01:47You're in the way, Mr. Parker.
01:48Oh, pardon me.
01:49You know very well, as executive officer, that I'm to sign all requisitions.
01:54Oh, sure, Mr. Parker.
01:56And in a way, you did.
01:57What do you mean?
01:58Oh, well, we signed your name for you.
02:00Here's your copy.
02:02Okay, Fuji, let's get the rest of the stuff unloaded.
02:04Hop, cool, hop.
02:05Belay that, Fuji.
02:06You're supposed to be on duty in the galley.
02:07Later, Parker-san.
02:08I'm very busy now.
02:09You spelled Parker with a small P.
02:26Hiya, Chuck.
02:27Isn't that a beauty?
02:28That's the best one we got yet.
02:30Spencer Parker, request permission to speak to the commander, sir.
02:33Eh?
02:34What's the matter?
02:35You sick of something?
02:35No, sir.
02:37Request permission to...
02:38Request permission to apply for transfer.
02:41Transfer?
02:42Oh, what's the gag, Chuck?
02:44No gag, sir.
02:45I'm deadly earnest.
02:46Hey, well, what's bugging you, boy?
02:48Are you mad at me about something?
02:50Oh, no, gee, Skip.
02:51I couldn't be sore of you.
02:52Oh, well.
02:53Well, it's the guys.
02:56It's the way they're treating me.
02:58Oh, what are you talking about?
03:00The boys love you.
03:02Why, you know, they went through six senses before they found one they could buddy.
03:05Yeah, well, I know.
03:07I like them, too.
03:08But it's...
03:08Well, I just don't pay any attention to my orders anymore, and I've had all I can take.
03:12You know, even Fuji ignores me, and he's a prisoner of war.
03:17Well, yeah.
03:18You don't know what it's like.
03:19You've never been through it before.
03:21Whenever you give an order, boy, they hop to it.
03:23Well, I got a few pounds on them, too, buddy.
03:26It's more than that, though.
03:27It's your whole attitude.
03:28It's your whole tone of your voice.
03:30Boy, when you say, all right, General Quarters, hop to it, you swabs.
03:34Either shape up or ship out.
03:36They know what you're really talking about.
03:39Hey, you know something?
03:40I think you just solved your own problem.
03:42Yes, sir.
03:42It's your voice.
03:45My voice?
03:46You know, with a bunch of mavericks like we got, you got to let them know who's top dog.
03:50When you bark out an order, make it loud and clear.
03:52Well, I tried that, Skip, but my bark kind of has a Pekingese quality to it.
03:57It's never changing.
04:00You know, when I was a young fella, I used to be a soprano, believe it or not.
04:06Oh, you're kidding.
04:08Yes, sir.
04:10When I was third mate on an old tramp freighter, I was getting exactly nowhere.
04:14And then I had my tonsils out.
04:16Well, suddenly, everything changed.
04:18My voice got lower, gutsier.
04:21Well, when I gave an order, well, half them swabs got so excited,
04:25that nearly half of them went over to the side.
04:27You know, that might work, Skip.
04:29You know, I could be a regular Captain Bly.
04:31Captain Bly.
04:33I don't know.
04:33It wouldn't work.
04:34I already had my tonsils out.
04:36No, that's not what I mean, boy.
04:39Just lower your voice.
04:40Let it come from the belly.
04:41That's it.
04:42Like you did a minute ago.
04:43Come on.
04:44Let me hear that General Quarters again.
04:47All hands, General Quarters.
04:48Oh, no, no.
04:49Lower, lower.
04:50Put some belly behind it, boy.
04:52Come on.
04:52All hands, General Quarters.
04:53Lord.
04:54All hands, General Quarters.
04:56Give it a hand.
04:57All hands, General Quarters.
04:58That's it.
04:59Keep practicing, boy.
05:01I guarantee you that you'll get more respect than Captain Bly ever got.
05:06Yes, sir.
05:08Now, keep practicing.
05:09All hands, General Quarters.
05:10Keep practicing.
05:13All hands, General Quarters.
05:14That's it.
05:16Keep practicing.
05:17All hands, General Quarters.
05:22All hands, General Quarters.
05:25All right, you squad.
05:26Move it out on the double.
05:27And either shape up or ship out.
05:29She'll love that kind of talk.
05:30But we didn't mean to hurt his feelings.
05:36We like Mr. Parker.
05:37Yeah.
05:38No, you like Mr. Parker.
05:39Well, you jokers have got him so beat down that he's lost all confidence.
05:43And now we've got to build him back up again.
05:45So now hear this.
05:46From now on, when Mr. Parker gives an order, I want you swaps to jump like it was Admiral
05:51Halsey.
05:52You hear me?
05:53And that's an order.
05:54Okay.
05:54Hey, break it up, man.
05:55Here he comes.
05:57Not yet, you eight balls.
05:58Wait till he comes in.
06:04All right, you men, on your feet.
06:07Oh, it's you, sir.
06:08It sounded just like Commander McHale.
06:11Really?
06:14All right, men.
06:16Here are the orders of the day.
06:17Torpedo man Gruber, Seaman Hanes, clean and lubricate those torpedo tubes.
06:24Aye, aye, sir.
06:31Uh, Gunners made Edwards.
06:34Sir.
06:36Clean that ammo belt on the forward machine gun.
06:38I'm sick and tired of firing that sloppy ammunition.
06:40Aye, aye, sir.
06:44All right, now the rest of you men.
06:47Well, let's, uh, clean up this place.
06:50Let's move it.
06:55Uh, let's go out of your, uh, personal gear.
06:58And, uh, let's sweep up this floor.
07:01Uh, deck.
07:02And, uh, make up your bed.
07:07You're a prisoner.
07:10Uh, all right, men.
07:11One final order.
07:14I want you men either to ship up or shape out.
07:17Oh, this is gonna be murder.
07:32Oh, bless him.
07:33I can't.
07:37Hut.
07:41And salute.
07:45Hoo.
07:47Welcome to shore, sir.
07:48Uh, we'd have piped you over the side, but we don't have a pipe.
07:52What's the matter with your voice, Parker?
07:53Have you got a cold or are you bucking for the glee club?
07:56Oh, sir, uh, this is my natural voice.
07:59Oh, it finally changed.
08:01Congratulations.
08:03Captain.
08:05All right, McHale, what's the gag?
08:07Gag, sir?
08:08Yes, the gag.
08:09The men are all staying in attention.
08:10They have clean white uniforms on.
08:12Even you look like you shaved today.
08:14What's this all about?
08:15What, what, what, what?
08:16Well, Captain, you're looking at the changed crew.
08:18Yes, sir.
08:18Thanks to Ensign Parker.
08:20Yes, sir.
08:21He whipped the men in his shape and sent an example that we're all proud to follow.
08:25Uh-huh.
08:26All right, you men, go play somewhere else.
08:33Fun time is over now, McHale.
08:35Let's get down to business.
08:37As you know, the fleet has been plagued with a lot of bad torpedoes lately.
08:41Now, we've just received a new shipment, and for some strange reason,
08:44the Admiral has picked you to run a sample test on them.
08:47Oh, well, I'm glad the Admiral shares your confidence in me, sir.
08:51Yes, sir.
08:52Cut that out, McHale.
08:54You know, if it was up to me, I'd have your sweeping minds with your bare hands.
08:59We're going to have the test first thing in the morning.
09:01So you pick someone to go over to the base and get your torpedoes.
09:04I'll handle that personally, sir.
09:05Uh, if you don't mind, I'll ride over the base with you, sir.
09:09Real fireball, eh, Captain?
09:14Now, remember, McHale, this is an official assignment.
09:17This is not a fishing trip.
09:19What, a fishing trip, sir?
09:20Whatever do you mean?
09:26Show off.
09:27But, sir, I said show off.
09:30That's an order.
09:31All right, McHale, just remember, you foul us up and heads the roll.
09:35Guess who's...
09:36All right, Captain.
09:39Ah, the poor guy.
09:59Like a zombie ever since the captain chewed him out yesterday.
10:02What a miserable break.
10:03Just when we had his confidence all built up, he had to go and dunk old Leadbottom.
10:08We'll do something for Mr. Parker.
10:09What?
10:10Well, we got to build him up once and for all so he really feels like an officer.
10:16Wait a minute.
10:17I think I know just how to do it.
10:18I'm putting him in charge of that torpedo test run.
10:21Ain't you sticking your neck out, Skipper?
10:24Well, how?
10:25I figured I stuck my neck up for you guys so many times I feel like a giraffe.
10:29So, I can stretch it one more time for old Chuck after all he's one of us, isn't he?
10:33Oh, yeah, sure.
10:34Just one little thing, Skip.
10:35How are you going to work it without him getting wise?
10:38Well, I'll tell you.
10:39Somehow I feel an attack of, um...
10:42Ooh.
10:43My old Berry Berry coming on.
10:44Hey, that's a great idea.
10:49What's Berry Berry?
10:51What's Berry Berry?
10:53What's Berry Berry?
10:55What is Berry Berry?
10:57Come on, Dr. Schweitzer.
10:59Get out there and get a hold of Parker.
11:00We'll set everything up in here.
11:01Oh, come on.
11:01Get going.
11:02Come on, let's go.
11:05Mr. Parkinson, Mr. Parker.
11:10Come quick, it's the skipper.
11:11We just made our orders to the tester.
11:15All of a sudden, he passed out cold.
11:19Mini stone.
11:21Sir, he's really sick.
11:22Struck down by a mysterious ailment.
11:26If you ask me, it's...
11:28Berry Berry.
11:30Oh, no.
11:32That's horrible.
11:34Berry Berry.
11:36Ask him.
11:36He's the one that's got it.
11:40He's Skipper?
11:41Uh-uh.
11:42Skip?
11:43Uh-uh.
11:44Hi.
11:45Is that you, Chuck?
11:47Yeah.
11:49You in pain, Skip?
11:50Anything I can do?
11:50Oh, no, thanks.
11:53It's one of these attacks.
11:54It comes, and every so often.
11:57I'll be over in a day or so,
11:58but I'm afraid you're going to have to cover for me, boy,
12:01and take over that torpedo test.
12:04Right.
12:05Me?
12:06Skip, the Admiral wanted you to do it.
12:08Oh, no, no.
12:09It's just a matter of confidence, boy.
12:12The Admiral has confidence in me,
12:13and I have confidence in you.
12:17Really?
12:18Yeah.
12:20Okay, Skip.
12:20Don't worry about it.
12:21Think about it.
12:22I can't leave a sick man here alone, though.
12:24Moss?
12:26You stay here with the Skipper,
12:27and if he gets any worse, call the base hospital.
12:29All right, sir.
12:30All right.
12:31Don't worry about it, Skip.
12:32You can count on me.
12:33I know.
12:34I can't.
12:35And, uh, any questions, Chuck?
12:38Well, uh, just one, Skip.
12:41Uh...
12:41What's Barry Berry?
12:45I'll explain, sir.
12:46You've heard of double pneumonia?
12:47Well, this is double berry.
12:48You get a bad batch of berries.
12:49Uh, well, only one more to fire, Skipper.
13:07And if I may say so, sir,
13:08the way you're running this test
13:10will bring nothing but credit to PT-73.
13:13Oh, well.
13:14Thank you, uh, quartermaster.
13:16It's all a matter routine.
13:17Uh, Groover, ready on a starboard tube.
13:19Loaded and ready, sir.
13:20Time fuse set for 1,000 yards as ordered.
13:25Check.
13:26Fire starboard torpedo.
13:29Starboard torpedo fired, sir.
13:32I said fire.
13:34I did, sir.
13:35Oh, it's Toledo.
13:36It's a hot run.
13:37What's going on?
13:38A hot run.
13:39It's stuck in the tube, sir.
13:40Hey, you guys, give me a hand, will you?
13:42Ain't that thing to blow up any minute.
13:43All right, man, abandon.
13:45Abandon.
13:45Abandon.
13:46Let's get out of here.
13:47But that's hard.
13:47We can't leave the boat.
13:48Slow this boat down.
13:50Throw that light raft all to the side.
13:52Abandon ship.
13:54Pressure to order.
14:01Hey, hold it.
14:02Hold it, you guys.
14:04Hey, that's funny.
14:05She should have blown by now.
14:07I got news for you.
14:08She ain't gonna blow.
14:10What?
14:10Yeah, looks like she fizzled out.
14:14Well, I'm sorry, you guys.
14:15I guess I told you to abandon ship too soon.
14:17Really goofed.
14:18Hey, she's pulling away from us.
14:19Let's man those oars.
14:23Faster, bend faster.
14:24Heave.
14:24Heave.
14:25Hey, our engines are still going.
14:27We're losing that.
14:28Oh, it's no use.
14:29We can't make it.
14:32Now I've gone and lost the boat.
14:34Yeah, well, Fuji, why don't you go fix some special chow?
14:43And the boys will be coming in pretty soon.
14:45And we'll throw a party to celebrate Mr. Parker's moment of glory, huh?
14:48I fix.
14:51Jim.
14:53Hit the deck.
14:54Captain Bing of the Cunt.
14:55Oh, it's bad.
15:02Gail.
15:03Gail.
15:05Gail.
15:07Why, Captain Binghamton, whatever you're doing here, sir?
15:11Never mind what I'm doing here.
15:12What are you doing here?
15:14Well, I'm just looking for a cufflink, sir.
15:16Yes, sir.
15:18Gail, where is the PT-73?
15:20I've been trying to make radio contact with her all day.
15:22I can't raise her.
15:23Oh, well, I told Parker to maintain radio silence during the test.
15:27Yes, sir.
15:28Parker.
15:29You put a nitwit like that in charge of an important mission like this?
15:33And get up off the floor when I'm talking to you.
15:35Yes, sir.
15:36The guy that you want in this war anyway.
15:38Well, now, don't get all revved up.
15:40Captain, Parker will do the job just fine, sir.
15:42Yes, sir.
15:42He had to take over for me today, sir.
15:44I had another little old tack of beriberi, yes, sir.
15:48It's a tropical disease, you know, sir.
15:50I know what beriberi is.
15:52Oh?
15:53You're going to be a lot sicker if anything goes wrong, McHale.
15:56I want those reports on my desk by 1,800 hours.
16:01Now, if you can't make it by 1,800, would you try and show up at 1,830?
16:06That's when we'll start the court-martial.
16:08And you can come with or without your cufflinks.
16:12Bye-bye, Captain.
16:13Gee, Skip, you don't suppose anything could happen to Mr. Parker and all the guys, do you?
16:26No, no, no, no.
16:27Chuck's got the law of averages on his side.
16:29Things have got to get better for him.
16:32The war is over for you, Ensign.
16:35Shit.
16:365,000 islands in the Pacific, and Mr. Parker had to pick this one to paddle to.
16:45Yeah, right into a nice, fat, juicy trap.
16:50Go ahead, Ensign.
16:51Go ahead, torture me.
16:52Do your fiendish worse.
16:53But you won't get anything out of me but my name, rank, and serial number.
16:55That's in accordance with the Geneva Convention.
16:57Article 17.
16:58Prisoner of war and treatment of, and I quote.
17:01Stop.
17:01I hear you said anything about torture.
17:03You haven't even given me a chance to ask a question yet.
17:06Mr. Charles Parker, United States Naval Reserve, serial number 106628.
17:13No, wait, it's 82.
17:15Oh, there's a five or a three in there.
17:19Please, I am willing to accept the fact that you are not trying to conceive your serial number.
17:25You just don't remember it.
17:26Well, that's ridiculous.
17:28I can remember it.
17:28It's just I have a little trouble arranging it.
17:30You know, if you want any of those numbers, give you a little tag on I lost mine.
17:34Let me get a running start at it.
17:371066283.
17:39No.
17:41It's that five.
17:43You can't even...
17:43I'm even a failure as a prisoner.
17:48These guys should have been back long ago.
17:50Where in blazes are they?
17:52Suffering crawdad.
17:54What's the matter?
17:55You see something?
17:56Yes, sir, but I sure don't believe it.
17:58Well, let me take a look.
17:58Let me...
17:59Where, where, where?
17:59Right out there.
18:05Willie, what did you see?
18:07PT73.
18:09And who was running it?
18:10Nobody.
18:11That's what I saw.
18:13Let's go.
18:16God, there's your answer.
18:17They had a hot torpedo and they went over to the side.
18:20They've got to be somewhere near the test area, Hanaoku.
18:23Yeah, we got to get them back before Binghamton finds out.
18:26Come on, let's go.
18:29Now, let's be reasonable, isn't it?
18:36Okay.
18:36I am not asking you to reveal any naval secret.
18:41I just...
18:42I got it.
18:43I got it.
18:44That's it.
18:441-0-6-6-2-2-3-5.
18:47Oh, excellent.
18:51Now, perhaps we can proceed.
18:54No, wait a minute.
18:55Hold it.
18:55No.
18:56Darn.
18:57That's not it.
18:58You know?
18:58That's not my serial number.
19:00That's my social security number.
19:03All right.
19:03Never mind.
19:05Never mind about your serial number.
19:07I think I got it.
19:316-6-2-5-3-9.
19:35Where's it?
19:36Eight.
19:38I demand you stop this nonsense and answer my questions.
19:43Say, Lieutenant, do you mind a little word of advice?
19:45Don't let your voice break like that, so you never get anywhere with your men.
19:49The voice of command comes from down here like...
19:50That's not bad, but a little lower, maybe.
19:58I am putting you and your men aboard my boat under guard until we finish here.
20:04Then I am taking you to a prisoner of war camp.
20:07Let somebody else question you.
20:11Oi.
20:12You're just doing it.
20:13Well.
20:16Number two.
20:17Come on.
20:20Did you find them?
20:27Yeah.
20:28The Nip's got them on board their boat.
20:30Captured?
20:31Yeah.
20:32Gee, we gotta do something, Skip.
20:34I got an idea.
20:35But we'll need a better fit of line that we got.
20:37Well, what are we gonna do?
20:39Not we, son.
20:40You.
20:40You're going for a swim.
20:42Underwater.
20:43Come on.
20:43Come on.
20:50Stand by this line, will you?
21:18Here we go, Willie.
21:32Willie, pull in that line, boy.
21:46Pull in that line.
21:57All right, you guys.
21:58Bring out that crap game.
21:59All hands on deck.
22:01Oh, boy.
22:02See, Skip, we're both in the corners.
22:04Are we glad to see you, Skip?
22:06Hey, Skip, how'd you get here?
22:08You sure saved our next one.
22:09Well, I didn't feel like breaking into another crew.
22:14Hey, Chuck.
22:15What's the matter, boy?
22:16Aren't you glad to see us?
22:17Oh, sure, sure, Skip.
22:18It's just all my fault.
22:20We got captured.
22:21I gave the order to abandon ship.
22:23Oh, come on.
22:24What are you talking about?
22:25You had a hot torpedo, didn't you?
22:27Well, the safety of your men always comes first.
22:29I'm proud of you.
22:31Yeah, but, well, I could have...
22:33Come on, come on.
22:33Quit being so modest, boy.
22:35This whole crew will probably get a citation for this.
22:38You'll probably wind up with a medal.
22:39A medal?
22:40For sure.
22:41For what?
22:42For what, he says.
22:44For discovering an enemy observation post
22:47and capturing a Japanese PT boat.
22:50That's ought to be pretty good for starters, huh?
22:52Hey, I never look at it that way.
22:54And if that ain't enough,
22:55you're the only officer in the United States Navy
22:57could get us to wear clean white sneakers.
22:59So now, Mr. Parker,
23:02if you'll put a prized crew aboard this PT boat,
23:04we'll proceed back to the base.
23:06Aye, aye, sir.
23:08Oh, belay that.
23:10Men, I think we ought to finish the job.
23:13Let's go back and take some prisoners.
23:15That's my executive officer.
23:16Yeah!
23:27Back up.
23:28Well, McHale, let's see you wiggle out of this one.
23:30My plane has been waiting since 1800 hours
23:33and so is the Admiral.
23:34Now, where is Parker with that report?
23:36Well, he's coming right in, sir.
23:41How's the Japanese attack?
23:43Assange and reporter!
23:44I'm sorry, sir.
23:45I'm sorry, sir.
23:45They're coming in.
23:46What is it?
23:47Easy, easy, easy.
23:49Easy, Captain Easy.
23:51That's Parker coming in, sir.
23:53Parker?
23:53That's right, sir.
23:54Come on.
23:54Hey.
23:58Enzo Parker reporting ashore, sir.
24:03I'll turn this captured vessel over to you
24:05and hear the results of the torpedo test.
24:07Well, I see it, but I don't believe it.
24:09Do you mean to tell me
24:10that you captured a Japanese PT boat
24:13and its crew and its officer?
24:15Oh, stop it, sir.
24:16All right, let's move this.
24:17Get out of the stockade.
24:17Come on, man.
24:18One, two, three, four.
24:20One, two, four.
24:21Hey, four.
24:22Four.
24:23That's it.
24:24Hey.
24:24That's it.
24:25Four.
24:25One, oh, six, six, two, three, four.
24:28What, what, what, what, what?
24:30Well, that's my serial number, sir.
24:31You nitwit.
24:32He's your prisoner.
24:34Oh, well, then forget it.
24:36All right, let's move that stockade.
24:37Come on.
24:37One, two, three, four, four, four, four, four, four, four.
24:40One, two, three, five, four, four, four, five, five, four, five, six, six, seven, seven, eight, nine, nine, nine.
24:59Oh, well.
25:01Oh, well, yeah, yeah.
25:05I, I, I, I, I, I, you, I.
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24:05
24:01
24:04
24:00
24:04
24:03
24:03
24:22
50:00
49:42
49:24
49:23
49:24
49:24
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