- 1 day ago
Mchale and the boys try to get new engines for their favourite boat; Binghamton finds an excuse to have the skipper and crew of PT-73 transferred to another command.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00The End
00:30Well, that does it. Willie, make a signal to the rest of the squadron. Tell them we're heading back to the base, will you?
00:35Yeah, well, someone lend me a belt. I gotta splice it for the generator.
00:38Here, here, take mine. Oh, wait, Skip, here. I volunteer. After all, you've got a lot more to lose than I do.
00:42What?
00:43Well, I mean...
00:47God, Garnet, I hate to flake out on a mission. We've been running these engines on borrowed time. They need a complete overhaul.
00:54Hey, lovely. That leaves your week's liberty in New Caledonia where we restore the old gizmo to our beloved bundle of bolts.
00:59Well, I think I gotta patch stuff, Skip, so we can get back to the base. All I need is one more thing.
01:04What's that?
01:05Someone with moxie enough to step on the starting.
01:08Hey, Christy! Turn it over.
01:11Aye, Skip.
01:12Hey, listen, I hate to be a wet blanket, but don't forget, we have to get back to base yet, and there's an enemy sub lurking out there somewhere.
01:27Better hang on there, Chuck. Those bitches go to half-mast. The enemy thinks we're surrendering.
01:33Hey, Christy!
01:34Right up for the bond.
01:36All right, Skip.
01:37No more!
01:39Jonah Goldstein!
01:40No more!
01:43Oh-oh-oh!
01:45No more!
01:48No more!
01:59What do you want?
02:01Oh-oh!
02:02No more!
02:02Carpenter.
02:30Yes, sir.
02:32Have Commander McHale report here just as soon as he gets back.
02:36Yes, sir.
02:36Come back here. Where are you going?
02:38Will you just ask me to go out and get...
02:39I got a letter from Admiral Stanley.
02:41Oh?
02:41He's chewing me out.
02:43You remember the last time he was here, I gave him two bottles of wine from my private stock.
02:48Oh, yes, sir. I even remember the kind of wine it was, sir.
02:50It was your 20-year-old Tony Port, sir.
02:52Mm-hmm.
02:53Well, when he opened the bottles, it was 30-day-old diesel oil.
02:58Took an hour to pump them out.
02:59They had...
03:00Diesel oil, sir?
03:02And you think Commander McHale did that, sir?
03:05It wasn't little Orphan Annie.
03:08Orphan Annie, you say some very funny things.
03:09Oh, shut up.
03:11Very funny things.
03:12I tell you, I would sell my soul to get rid of that man.
03:17But I can never prove anything against him.
03:20He is so sneaky that I can never prove anything.
03:24If he would disobey a direct order, if his crew would mutiny...
03:28I mean really mutiny, not just act like it.
03:31He would fall and fall out of his boat.
03:34Oh, that's the stuff that dreams are made of.
03:42What's that?
03:46It's McHale's boat, sir.
03:48Seems to be having engine trouble.
03:49Oh, Carpenter, tell me that that's not a mirage.
04:00Tell me that that boat is really out of commission.
04:03Well, sir, you and your...
04:04Never mind, get out of here.
04:05Tell me if they have reported mine.
04:07Yes, sir.
04:07Come in the back way, sir.
04:18You said you wanted to see me in a hurry.
04:20Oh, yes, Commander, yes.
04:22Yes, I couldn't help over here in your boat come in.
04:26Oh, yes, sir.
04:28Sounded in pretty bad shape.
04:30Oh, that's right, sir.
04:31But I think we can patch her up enough to go down to New Caledonia for some repairs.
04:35Yes, sir.
04:35Oh, no, no, McHale.
04:37I'm notifying Fleet Com to send out a materiel officer,
04:40and he'll certify your boat as permanently out of commission.
04:45The old 73?
04:49Oh, you mean you're sending for a replacement for us.
04:51Is that right, sir?
04:52Oh, I'm surprised at you, McHale.
04:56Well, I know you know it took eight months to get our last replacement,
04:59and I couldn't possibly keep the greatest combat crew in the South Pacific
05:04out of action for eight months, could I?
05:06Oh, no.
05:08Why, Washington would think that I was throwing the war.
05:11Captain, I have the strangest feeling you're trying to tell me something.
05:15Oh, I am, McHale.
05:17Oh, I am.
05:20And it's a real grabber.
05:23Grabber, sir?
05:23Uh-huh.
05:24I'm shipping you out.
05:25I'm transferring you back to Fleet Com for reassignment.
05:29Reassignment?
05:29You mean split us up?
05:31Oh, let's just say that we're going to share the wealth.
05:34Spread up!
05:35You mean the whole crew?
05:36We can't do that.
05:37He's got four stripes, as he can.
05:38But that ain't a dirty carpetbagging deal.
05:40After all we've been through together.
05:42All of a sudden, it's a lousy war.
05:44Well, what's going to happen to me?
05:46Not many PT boats want Japanese cook.
05:48You can always go hide in the hills, Fuji.
05:50What about me?
05:51I wouldn't know how to serve under any other skipper.
05:52You know something?
05:55I'm ashamed of you boys.
05:58Here you are to fight and this PT crew afloat.
06:00And you're ready to let the captain scuttle you without a fight.
06:03I say, let's fight back.
06:05Gee, I love that kind of talking.
06:08We're going to fight back.
06:09What are we going to do?
06:10The only way to beat this rap is to get the 73 running again
06:13before that material officer gets here.
06:15Yeah, but, Skip, where are we going to lift any engine parts?
06:18All the other boats are out after the sub.
06:20Oh, you poor little boy.
06:22Have you all forgotten how to improvise?
06:24Remember that time Tinker here needed that small gear
06:26and we liberated it from the captain's ice cream freezer?
06:29Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:31And when the captain turned it on,
06:32he ended up knee-deep and tutti-frutti.
06:35Okay, that's what we'll do.
06:37McHale's marauders strike again.
06:41I've checked the entire base, sir.
06:42Everything's quiet.
06:43Feel quiet, Carpenter.
06:45That's what I'm worried about.
06:47But why, sir?
06:48McHale and this crew are all over on their island.
06:50I haven't heard peep one out of them.
06:51Yeah, well, they're not going to take this lying down.
06:53You can be sure of that.
06:54Oh, it's warm tonight, isn't it?
06:56Oh, yes.
06:56What is this?
07:12You call the island bun house?
07:16Something must have happened to the electric generator.
07:18Well, don't you stand there?
07:19There's something about it.
07:20Yes, sir.
07:20Hey, that electric generator.
07:28That's run by a gasoline motor, isn't it?
07:30Yes, sir.
07:31That miserable, McHale.
07:34Get me my gig.
07:35Yes, sir.
07:36Oh, well, uh, hello, Captain.
07:45Uh, whatever you're doing here, sir.
07:46All right, McHale.
07:47This time I'm way ahead of you and your highwaymen.
07:50Oh?
07:50I'm going to have you start your engines.
07:52And if they run like I'm sure they're going to run,
07:54then you can just keep them running all the way to Leavenworth.
07:58Leavenworth?
07:59Well, beg your pardon, sir, but that's actually impossible.
08:01You see, Leavenworth is in Kansas.
08:03In order for us to get there, we'd all have to go by train.
08:05That's it.
08:06You just stand there, and if you so much as breathe,
08:09I'll have your gold bar.
08:13All right, X Commander, start your engines.
08:17Hey, start the engines.
08:31Turn her off now, sir.
08:33She's bleeding.
08:33Now, pour a little heart out.
08:36Well, you haven't heard the end of this.
08:38Now, stop that infernal racket.
08:40Yes, sir.
08:40Yes, sir.
08:41Stop that infernal racket.
08:44All right, infernal racket.
08:45Stop, sir.
08:46Hey, he's out.
08:48Get out of my way.
08:49Oh, night and night, Captain.
08:50Night and night.
08:56Take it, baby.
08:57Oh, you did just great.
08:58You made the switch just in time.
09:00Now, what else is on your list?
09:01Small ring and pinion gear.
09:03Small?
09:03Gruber.
09:04Small ring and pinion gear.
09:06No trouble, sir.
09:08Chuck, Chuck, Chuck.
09:09Come off, boy.
09:10Hey.
09:12Hey, hey, you better stop it.
09:13You better stop listening to Captain, boy.
09:15You need air.
09:16Come on.
09:17Air.
09:18Come on, give him air.
09:22What's going on in there?
09:23What, what, what?
09:25I don't know, sir.
09:26It just started.
09:31What's the matter with that thing?
09:40Well, there's something wrong with the gear, sir.
09:41Instead of washing the clothes, it's chopping them.
09:44With this ring gear, I V-wed.
09:55Now, get that coffee pot perking, will you?
09:57Yes, dear.
09:59Hey, Skip.
10:00It's the base calling you.
10:01Oh.
10:03Uh, McHale here.
10:05And this is Captain Binghamton.
10:07Start your engines.
10:09Answer, Parker.
10:10Start those engines.
10:12Aye, aye, sir.
10:13Quartermaster, start the engines.
10:15Uh, quartermaster's starting engines, sir.
10:18Cut that.
10:19I'll start your engines.
10:30That does it.
10:31You cracked the ring gear.
10:33Butterfingers?
10:34Don't make such a federal case out of it.
10:36None of these high-sit parts are working.
10:38We're dead, Skip.
10:39I guess we've had it, fellas.
10:43Only a miracle could save us now.
10:45Hey, Skipper.
10:46One of our P.T. boats is coming in.
10:49Where are we?
10:50Two points off Port Bow.
10:54No, no, I'm sorry.
10:56That'd be two points off Starboard Bow.
10:59No, it's not two points.
11:00It's only about a...
11:01No, about a point and a half.
11:03Only a point and a quarter.
11:04Oh, stop it with the points already.
11:08P.T. 2-1-1.
11:11That's a brand-new boat.
11:12Oh, my mistake, Skip.
11:13Must be a replacement.
11:14No, no, that's it, Chuck.
11:16That's our miracle.
11:17We're off the hook.
11:18We are?
11:19Well, certainly like a leaping tuna, man.
11:21Ha!
11:21The captain can't ship us out without a replacement.
11:24And that's it.
11:25Hey, that's right.
11:26Section 21, paragraph 7, article 3.
11:28Guys.
11:30Article 21, section...
11:32If you had a paragraph on the...
11:35Oh, I don't want to stop with the articles already.
11:37Let's go over and take command of that boat
11:38before the captain scuttles it.
11:39Let's go!
11:40Hey!
11:40Hey!
11:40Hey!
11:41Hey!
11:41Hey!
11:41Hey!
11:41Hey!
11:41Hey!
11:41Hey!
11:41Hey!
11:41Hey!
11:41Hey!
11:41Hey!
11:41Hey!
11:41Hey!
11:41Hey!
11:41Hey!
11:41Hey!
11:41Hey!
11:41Hey!
11:41Hey!
11:42Hey!
11:43Hey!
11:43Hey!
11:43Hey!
11:44Hey!
11:45Hey!
11:45Hey!
11:45Hey!
11:45Lieutenant Commander McHale reporting, sir, ready to take command.
11:56Yes, sir, we're all ready, sir.
11:57Yes, sir.
11:58Well, bully, for both of you, now, just what was it that you had in mind to take command of?
12:03Well, the new boat, sir, our replacement.
12:06Yes, sir, now you won't have to lose us.
12:07We're still gonna be shipmates.
12:08Mr. McHale, take your beady little eyes off of my boat.
12:13Your boat?
12:14Affirmative.
12:15Repeat.
12:16My boat.
12:17As CEO of this base, I am certainly entitled to my own boat if I want one, and I put in
12:20for this one over eight months ago, and I'm going to be on it tomorrow to see you
12:23off.
12:24See us off?
12:26That's right.
12:27Freeze.
12:31Captain Evans, the materiel officer, will be here in the morning, and you and your crew
12:35will be shipping out shortly thereafter, and just to make sure that nothing interferes
12:40with our little farewell party.
12:41Nothing like a sneak attack on my nice, shiny new engines.
12:45Now, hear this, McHale.
12:46Your whole crew is under arrest.
12:48Under arrest?
12:49You can't do that, sir.
12:51Don't interrupt!
12:52And stop popping your eyes at me.
12:54Now, you just round up those hoodlums of yours, have them bring the 73 boat over here for
13:01the services in the morning, and then have them report to the brig.
13:05Us officers, too?
13:06No, no, no, Parker.
13:08The way you kill a snake is you cut off its head.
13:10So you and your fearless leader will spend our last night together aboard my boat with
13:15me, where I can personally keep my eye on you.
13:18Now, shove off!
13:19If I don't hear from you within an hour, you'll be hearing from my shore battery.
13:24Skip, we had a meeting, and we decided not to go down without a fight.
13:33Ah, he's still in that pigeon, huh?
13:35That's right, Skip.
13:36He can't call us a snake.
13:38Look, you and Mr. Parker are spending the night with the captain, right?
13:41Right.
13:42Well, I've prepared a little mixture of my own.
13:46Gruber's all-purpose gimlet.
13:48A cross between a sleeping pill, a Mickey Finn, and a bash on the head with a baseball bat.
13:52And as soon as he passes out, I'll pull the heist in the engine room.
13:56Yeah, but there's only one thing wrong, Tink.
13:58You're gonna be in the brig.
14:00Oh, no, I ain't.
14:01Hey, Fru G!
14:03They expect six prisoners?
14:05We give them six prisoners.
14:07Just call me Simon Tinkerbell.
14:09Just don't open your mouth.
14:11The old switcheroo, huh?
14:13You know, it might just work.
14:15It's getting dark outside, everything.
14:16Right, Skip.
14:17And if he doesn't fall for that Mickey, I think I can put him to sleep with hypnotism.
14:20Hypnotism?
14:21Oh, come on, now.
14:23No, really.
14:24That's a hobby of mine.
14:25I used to do a lot of it in college.
14:26I had a college psychology professor that could put you under in ten seconds.
14:30No, really, Skip.
14:32I'll show you.
14:33Watch.
14:34Just fix your eyes on that shiny object.
14:36Now your eyelids are getting heavy.
14:39You're going to sleep.
14:41Your eyelids are getting heavy.
14:44Oh, knock it off, Chuck.
14:48Hey, now listen, fellas.
14:49It might just work.
14:50But you gotta realize what's gonna happen if it doesn't.
14:53We're all gonna spend the rest of the war in the brig.
14:56We'd rather do that than be split up, Skip.
14:58That's right.
14:59Hey, okay.
15:00Okay, okay.
15:01Build your brain swabs.
15:03We'll give it a try.
15:04Come on.
15:05Hey, Chuck.
15:06Chuck.
15:07Chuck.
15:08Chuck.
15:09Chuck.
15:10Chuck.
15:11Chuck.
15:12Chuck.
15:13Chuck, baby.
15:14Water Island's getting heavy.
15:15There's only six hours to go.
15:28I'm enjoying this, McHale.
15:30Uh, well, uh, that makes another blitz.
15:45Oh, boy.
15:46My luck continues like this.
15:47I'm gonna have to owe you my whole paycheck.
15:49Well, if my luck continues, you're gonna be sending it to me from Australia.
15:53Ugh.
15:54Ugh.
15:55Ugh.
15:56Ugh.
15:57Stop that yawning.
15:58Think you're gonna make me sleepy or mistaken?
16:01Well, if we're gonna stay up all night, uh, might as well have some coffee.
16:05Yeah, that's a good idea.
16:09Ah!
16:12Let's get the coffee.
16:23Well, here we are.
16:51Light, light on the screen?
16:54Yeah.
16:55Well, uh, chug a lot.
16:56Down the old hatch.
16:57Drink while it's hot.
16:58Mmm.
16:59Smells delicious, too, sir.
17:00Down the old hatch.
17:01Ah, knock it off, McHale.
17:02I would just as soon have a coffee break with the Borgias.
17:04Craig, whatever do you mean, sir?
17:05Well, let me put it this way.
17:06I'm not certain that you had left.
17:07Oh, here we are.
17:08Here we are.
17:09Right on the screen?
17:10Yeah.
17:11Well, uh, chug a lot.
17:12Down the old hatch, drink while it's hot.
17:13Smells delicious, too, sir.
17:14Down the old hatch.
17:15Down the old hatch.
17:16Ah, knock it off, McHale.
17:17I would just as soon have a coffee break with the Borgias.
17:21Lefty Louie here put something in my coffee, but I do know that to save that crew of yours,
17:26you would slip your white-haired grandmother a Mickey.
17:29I'm not even a friend of the family.
17:31Oh, we could be real good friends if only you'd drink that.
17:33Oh, sir.
17:34I resent your accusation.
17:35I know you've done it, but you don't deny it.
17:38Now, play.
17:39Yes, sir.
17:51Parker, what do you think you're doing?
18:10Oh.
18:11Oh.
18:12Well, I was just admiring your silverware, sir.
18:14To see how bright and shiny you are.
18:16No, it's bright and shiny.
18:18Now, would you let us play cards?
18:20I've never seen anything like him in my life.
18:22Well, you'll have to admit, sir, there's something fascinating about it.
18:26See the way the light hits it.
18:28That's gonna get to that.
18:30Yes, it makes you want to relax.
18:33Make you sleepy.
18:35Make your eyelids deep.
18:38You're going to sleep.
18:40Do you...
18:41Do you...
18:42Do you drown?
18:43Do you ride?
18:44Do you ride your...
18:47Are you jumping catfish?
18:49Yes.
18:50You did it!
18:51How about that?
18:52You did a bush!
18:53You reckless fengali.
18:55Oh, listen.
18:56I know she's a famous college professor.
18:57He can put you out like...
18:59Now.
19:00Now.
19:01Now, now, now.
19:02You just dropped off for a moment, sir.
19:03Yes, sir.
19:04Yes, sir.
19:05Oh, no.
19:06Now, now, you're trying to hypnotize me, didn't you?
19:09No, sir. No, sir. I wouldn't...
19:11Now, something's the matter with this man.
19:15Sit down there.
19:16Yes, sir.
19:16Any more tricks out of the two of you
19:18and you're going to spend the night in irons.
19:20And just in case you don't believe me...
19:23We're dead.
19:39Welcome to Terror Trooper, Captain Evans.
20:07I received your signal and I've arranged quarters for you and your crew, sir.
20:10Thank you, Lieutenant.
20:11And we have another hurry-up assignment, so we'll be up bright and early.
20:15I'd like to inspect the 73 boat at 0700.
20:18All right, sir.
20:18And I'm sure you'll be able to get away by 0730, sir.
20:21Oh, that boat is really sick, sir.
20:31Okay, fellas, this is Commander McHale.
20:33McHale?
20:34All right, it's some Parker, sir.
20:35Parker?
20:35I always hate to do this, McHale.
20:38I know how PT men get to feel about their boats.
20:41Well, that's right, sir.
20:42I was thinking that...
20:43There'll be plenty of boats where you're going, McHale.
20:46This won't take long, Captain.
20:47All right, over here.
20:48Ah, Quartermaster.
20:51Yes, sir?
20:51Cut the engine.
20:52Yes, sir.
20:53Aye, aye, sir.
20:53What do you think you're so happy about?
21:09Is this the boat, Captain?
21:21Doesn't sound like mothballs to me.
21:23They sound terrific.
21:25McHale!
21:26Well, I guess you're pretty surprised, Captain.
21:28Well, frankly, so am I.
21:30I didn't think the boys could pull it off.
21:33But you reported those engines beyond repair.
21:35When did they do this, McHale?
21:36When?
21:37When?
21:37When?
21:37I had them in the brig last night, and if they did what I think they did, I'll have them back
21:40in the brig tonight for good.
21:41Well, I don't know what's going on around here, but by the sound of PT-73, it's in perfect
21:46order, which is more than I can say for you, Captain.
21:50I'm putting this in my report to the Admiral, wasting my time, getting me down here on this
21:53wild goose chase.
21:54You haven't heard the last of this.
21:56Good day, gentlemen.
21:58But, but, but, I...
21:59Take your hands off me.
22:02Tell your boat runs all right now, does it, huh?
22:05Carpenter, I want you to start my engines.
22:08Yes, sir.
22:08Why did you steal the starters, too?
22:10Oh, well, well, you remember who I was on last night, sir?
22:12Uh, gin rummy, remember?
22:13That's right.
22:14You still owe the skipper 13 bucks.
22:15Oh, shut up.
22:16Uh, now, about those, uh, engines, Captain, they...
22:19Don't try and beg me for mercy, McHale.
22:21I've got you this time.
22:23You're deliberately trying to sabotage my boat, and you're going to spend the rest of this
22:26war in naval prison.
22:34Oh, listen to that.
22:35When they're purring like kittens.
22:37I don't see why you have to be so suspicious all the time, Captain.
22:41Well, we'll be seeing you around, sir.
22:44Come on, Chuck.
22:45Come on, you guys.
22:46Let's go.
22:47Let's go.
22:55Hey, Jake, how'd you do it?
22:56Where'd you get the parts?
22:58Well, when, uh, Binghamton fouled us up with his boat, there was only one other place to go.
23:02Captain Evans, the material officer's boat?
23:12Oh, you're beautiful.
23:18Oh, just scream.
23:21Tell all you got to go stand around here playing with that gun.
23:24Dismissed.
23:24Captain Vamton on the horn, Skip.
23:40Uh-oh.
23:44Hey, hang out of that.
23:46Don't drink all of that.
23:47Hey, yes, Captain, what's your problem, sir?
24:06Oh, well, I'll do that right away, sir.
24:08Yes, sir.
24:10Aye, aye, sir.
24:12Toodaloo, sir.
24:13What's up, Skip?
24:29Well, it seems we got a new assignment today.
24:32We have to ferry the captain over to New Caledonia.
24:34It seems the Admiral wants to see him.
24:36Ferry him?
24:37Hey, what's wrong with his own boat?
24:39He hasn't gotten it anymore.
24:40Captain Evans took it as his replacement.
24:43Well, I don't want to be there.
24:44He's like, oh, no.
24:44Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
24:46Ha, ha, ha!
24:57Ha, ha, ha, ha!
24:58Ha, ha, ha!
25:02Ha, ha, ha!
25:02We'll see you next time.
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