- 2 days ago
Captain Binghamton sees a new Navy directive regarding overweight combat officers. To get rid of McHale, he orchestrates a plan to make McHale gain six pounds, which would put him over the weight limit and get him shipped out.
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00:00Yes, Admiral. Yes, yes, I know. I realize, Admiral, that we've been late getting those
00:11reports in, but we've been very busy down here, Admiral. I said we've been very busy
00:18down here, Admiral. No, no, no, no, no, sir. I wasn't yelling at you. Of course, I wouldn't
00:24do that, but there was a noise outside here. Yes, sir, yes. Well, we'll get them in just
00:31as fast as we can, Admiral. I said we'll get them in right away, yes, sir. You miserable.
00:39Oh, no, no, no, no, not you, Admiral. Of course not you. I'm so sorry about it. You see, the
00:44noise went by again outside, and I wouldn't. Yes, sir. Yes, sir, I'm sorry. Yes, sir. Goodbye,
00:52gosh. What a place. This is going on. I do this.
01:08Oh, no.
01:22Where is he? Where is that overgrown water in him?
01:53I radioed the 73 boat, sir. He's on his way.
01:55Oh, that's no excuse.
01:57Oh, I tell you, Carpenter, would you look at that hand? Would you look at it? That used
02:03to be as steady as a rock before McHale came to this base. Now it shakes so much you can
02:07get seasick just watching. Oh, I tell you, Carpenter, I'm going to crack up. I've got
02:13to get rid of McHale once and for all, but how? How? How would somebody help me? Somebody
02:19please help me. Perhaps if you took your mind off McHale for a few minutes. These directives
02:25just came in from Comfleet, sir. The chief medical officer is flying down for a physical fitness
02:28check of all combat officers. Later, Carpenter, later. But, sir, it also says that any officer
02:33out of condition or overweight will be shipped out for reassignment. Yes, yes, the hand, Carpenter.
02:38Look at the hand. Oh, it's still shaking, sir. Come in. Good afternoon, Cap'n. You want
02:45to see me? I'd love to see you, McHale, at the end of a rope. Oh? What'd I do now, sir?
02:53For your information, Commander, I'm running a naval base here and not an aquacade.
02:57Aquacade. Aquacade.
02:59You know perfectly well what you were doing out there. You were water skiing.
03:06Well, then, you did see him at the end of a rope.
03:12Parker, I am talking to McHale. And while I am, you freeze. I mean you go 40 below.
03:22You understand me? Don't shake your head, you're frozen.
03:25And now, McHale, to get to you.
03:32That little whirl over the waves that you took out there is going to cost you $1,000.
03:40$1,000? What are you talking about?
03:42I am talking about using Navy property for your own personal use.
03:46Let me see now. Navy fuel expended, that would be about $600.
03:51Wear and tear on the board would be about $200.
03:53But, but, but, but, no, Captain, you know, I, I, I like to keep them trim, so you got to keep fit for the good of the service.
03:57I'll clean on my desk.
03:59Do you expect me to believe that?
04:01Well, it's just the best I could come up with in short notice, sir.
04:04But I, I do have a tendency to put on a, a few pounds, you know.
04:07So I like to, uh...
04:08McHale, I am not interested in your weight problems.
04:25Are you all right, Captain?
04:28Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine.
04:31As a matter of fact, I'm going to do something that I've never done before.
04:36Of course, I'm going to forget all about your little thousand dollar escapade.
04:42Huh?
04:45Ha, we don't seem to be getting anywhere or this way, McHale.
04:49I mean, always at each other's throats.
04:52Maybe if I saw more things your way, you might see some things my way.
04:57What I'm trying to say is, why don't we become friends, Quentin?
05:05Friends?
05:06You and me?
05:08Friends, Captain?
05:10Wally.
05:11Come on now.
05:22That goes for you, too, Parker.
05:25Defrost.
05:26Oh, gee.
05:27We're friends.
05:28Yes, of course.
05:30I mean, after all, right now, we're all members of the same command, aren't we, Parker?
05:36Chuck.
05:38Chuck.
05:41Well, uh, why don't you boys run along now and meet me at the ship's store in a half an hour?
05:46I've got some things to do, and we'll get together.
05:48We'll have some beers to celebrate, huh?
05:51So long.
05:52So long.
05:53Pal.
06:00But, Sarah, I don't understand.
06:02Oh, of course you don't.
06:02That's why you're a lieutenant and I'm a captain.
06:05That's how I tell you, Carpenter.
06:06I feel like Christopher Columbus.
06:09I've discovered a whole new world.
06:11And it's a world without McHale.
06:13Let's go.
06:14Now back, please.
06:15I have to tell you everything.
06:20Yeah.
06:21I think your plan is brilliant, sir.
06:23I know.
06:24McHale has just got to be overweight, or at least close to it, but I have to know for sure.
06:29And then we'll be rid of him once and for all.
06:31Oh, glory.
06:32Hallelujah.
06:33Well, here he comes, sir.
06:34We're all set.
06:35Hi, Captain.
06:36Oh, hello there, McHale.
06:38Are you Quentin?
06:39Oh, Quentin, yes, sir.
06:40Oh, and Chuck.
06:43Hey, it's good to see you both again.
06:45It's only been a half hour, sir.
06:47Oh, but it's nice to see good friends, sir.
06:51Yeah.
06:51Oh, Quentin, I wonder, could you reach that box for me up there?
06:54Oh, sure.
06:55Here, I'll get it.
06:56After all, a friend in need is a friend indeed.
06:58Yeah, no, no.
06:59I mean, Quentin's taller.
07:01It'd be easier for him to do it.
07:02Would you do that for me?
07:03Really?
07:04How tall are you, Quentin?
07:05Six feet, sir.
07:07On the button, sir.
07:07On the button.
07:08If you had to drive you six feet, I would have thought it'd be taller, wouldn't you?
07:12Is this what you wanted, sir?
07:14Hmm?
07:14A lady's girdle, mark one.
07:19Those are for the nurses.
07:21How about that, huh?
07:23I thought they were T-shirts, Quentin.
07:25Well, never mind.
07:26I'm thirsty.
07:27I'm thirsty.
07:28Why don't we go up to the club and have those beers, huh?
07:30Oh, well, anything you say, sir.
07:32Oh, Wally.
07:33Oh, Wally.
07:34Well, you boys, run along now, and you get a table, and I'll join you later on.
07:38Table for four, sir?
07:39Yeah, three, three.
07:40Carpenter has work to do.
07:41Well, we'll really do it up.
07:46Well, well, well, well.
07:47Sir, according to the directive for a man of six feet, the maximum weight is 210 pounds,
07:51and McHale only weighs 205.
07:53Too bad, sir.
07:54Oh, don't be silly.
07:55You heard what he said.
07:55He's got a tendency to put on weight.
07:57Only six more pounds, and out he goes.
07:59Oh, but sir, that medical officer is getting here next Wednesday.
08:01Oh, so what?
08:02That gives us almost a week to fatten him up.
08:04Carpenter, you keep that directive a secret, and that's an order.
08:07Just think, Carpenter, we're only six pounds from paradise.
08:16How do you think, man?
08:17Do you have another beer?
08:18Oh, well, uh, no, thanks, Captain.
08:20I don't want to make a pig of myself.
08:22Oh, go ahead.
08:23Go ahead.
08:24Well, okay.
08:25Yeah, good.
08:26I'll have a short one, Wally.
08:28You'd like one for the road, Quinn.
08:30Have some more pretzels, too.
08:32Oh, very nice.
08:32I like your pretzels.
08:33Yeah.
08:35Here you are, Quinn.
08:36Zach, we have a lot of weird friends, too.
08:44All right, 54 boat.
08:46These are your supplies.
08:47Let's go.
08:47Let's go, men.
08:48Come on.
08:52Oh, no, Commander McHale.
08:54These aren't yours.
08:54Please.
08:5782 boat, men.
08:58Right over here.
08:58Your supplies.
09:00Move it along, boys.
09:01Come on.
09:02You don't have all day.
09:04Oh, now, Commander McHale.
09:06These are your supplies.
09:08I think you're going to need a little more help, sir.
09:21Oh, thank you.
09:25Yeah, well, if I must say so myself, we've done a fine week's work.
09:40Our goose is stuffed and ready to be cooked.
09:43Sir, I'm sure the medical officer will find him pleasingly plump.
09:45Yes, I'm sure he will.
09:48But just to make certain that he will, tonight we're going over the top.
09:53And I want you to pass our menu along to the chef.
09:55Oh, yes, sir.
09:58Hi, Clint.
09:59I'll save you a dance.
10:00Oh, how are you, Molly?
10:02Oh, good evening, Clint.
10:04How are you?
10:04Nice to see you.
10:05And Chuck.
10:06Oh, yeah.
10:08Captain, I don't get this.
10:10What's this all about, sir?
10:12Yeah, what do you mean, Clint?
10:14You know what I mean.
10:15All this friendship routine and...
10:18Why, it just...
10:20Well, you know, you never exactly made a dinner party for me before.
10:25Oh, Clint, I keep telling you I'm trying to bury the hatchet.
10:28I'm trying to bury it deep.
10:31There you go ahead and enjoy yourself.
10:33We'll talk later, Quentin, but we'll eat first now.
10:36There you go.
10:38Bon appétit.
10:40Bon appétit.
10:43Mmm.
10:45Cream and chicken soup, delicious.
10:46Oh, I'm so glad you like it, Quentin.
10:49Yes, indeed.
10:50Here, have some more.
10:51That's a small portion.
10:53All right.
10:54I'll still add more croutons for Commander McHale.
10:58Oh, uh, Quentin,
11:05try some of this honey and orange sauce
11:07if I had the chef make this up, especially in your honor.
11:10I don't know if I should, Captain.
11:12That's pretty rich stuff.
11:13Oh, nonsense, nonsense.
11:15If I can eat it, you can.
11:17Oh, I'd like to try some of that.
11:19Oh, of course.
11:21There you go.
11:24Mom.
11:24Yeah, I don't understand it, Quentin.
11:26I shouldn't have given you the child's portion there.
11:29Oh?
11:29Yeah.
11:31Yeah, that's much better for you there.
11:35Nope.
11:35Do it.
11:40Oh, I'm full.
11:42I'm starved.
11:43Oh, we're not through yet, Parker.
11:46Save a little room for dessert.
11:48Oh, and here it comes.
11:49Oh, chocolate chiffon pie.
11:51Hello, Captain.
11:52How you, fellas?
11:53Oh, how you, Molly?
11:54Join us, Commander.
11:55I'd love to.
11:56All right.
11:57Good.
11:58Now we need a fork.
11:59Hey, Quentin, aren't you overdoing it a little?
12:02You haven't missed a course.
12:03Now, chocolate chiffon pie?
12:05Well, maybe you're right.
12:07Well, here, I'll take his piece.
12:08Well, I'll take his piece.
12:10I mean, how many calories could there be in a little piece of pie?
12:15In that slice?
12:16400 calories at least.
12:18Okay, Quentin, go ahead, but you'll never be in shape for that special physical tomorrow.
12:23Special physical?
12:24What special physical?
12:26Yeah, well, what special physical are you talking about?
12:28What, what, what, what?
12:29The chief medical officer arrives tomorrow at 0800.
12:32You must have seen the directive, Captain.
12:35Conflict's really cracking down.
12:37All combat officers who are overweight will be shipped out.
12:41Overweight?
12:42Shipped out?
12:43Oh, yes, I, I, I do remember saying something about that directive, but I'm sure there's nothing
12:48to do with anybody here.
12:51That's what this is all about, my fine-feathered friend.
12:57Care for a piece of pie, Chuck?
12:59Mr. Parker, to you.
13:01Come on, Chuck.
13:03I hate to eat and run, but I'm sure the good captain will excuse us.
13:08Huh.
13:09Some cow.
13:202.15.
13:222.15?
13:23Yeah, the directive says that 2.10 is a maximum.
13:25You're five pounds overweight.
13:27Oh, we gotta do something about that.
13:28Is this on the level, Skip?
13:29Can they really ship you out if you're overweight?
13:31That's what Molly Turner says.
13:32I guess conflit's really cracking down.
13:34I've been stabbed at my own fork and spoon.
13:37Have some more soup, Quint.
13:39Go on, have some more sauce, Quint.
13:42Why, that blasted little pipsqueak had me eating my way right off the base.
13:46Dirty trick.
13:47Well, let's not stand around, Skipper.
13:48You've still got ten hours to knock that weight down.
13:50Yeah, that's two hours a pound, though.
13:52Oh, no, I'll never make it.
13:54Sure you will.
13:55Oh, damn it.
14:09Hey, Fudge.
14:11I'm supposed to be steamed, not fried.
14:13He gained three ounces.
14:29Well, let's face it, guys.
14:31Hey, it looks like Binghamton's got me over a barrel this time.
14:33I mean, I'm afraid the barrel's my own.
14:36Let's keep us out.
14:36We've got to keep trying.
14:37Yeah, we can't give up, Skipper.
14:39Oh, wait a minute now.
14:40Even after all that exercise, I'd never wind up looking like you in one week.
14:44The Skipper's right.
14:45A Mr. America, he ain't gonna be.
14:47You fellas.
14:48Hey, now.
14:49Wait a second.
14:50Skipper, this chief medical examiner that's coming down here, he ever met you?
14:54Well, no, I don't think so.
14:55What?
14:56Slip into this boy.
14:58What are you doing, Lester?
14:59Helping you try on your new uniform, Virg.
15:01You've just been promoted.
15:02No, no, no, wait a minute, Groob.
15:05Well, Commander McHale, you're certainly in fine shape.
15:08You mean you want Virgil to put on the Skipper's uniform and take the examination for him?
15:12That's impersonating an officer.
15:13Section 11, Article 3.
15:14Now, wait a minute.
15:14I'm just a sailor.
15:15What are they gonna do, bust me the civilian?
15:17Skipper, you got that.
15:18Hey, I'm fine.
15:18I don't need to behave, McHale.
15:20Now, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
15:22Now, this is a desperate situation that calls for desperate measures.
15:25Right?
15:26Sure.
15:27We'll do it.
15:28Yeah!
15:30Teamwork!
15:30Well, suppose somebody sees him in your uniform.
15:33Well, I'm sure Molly would cooperate.
15:35We'll work it out so that Virgil takes the examination last, after everybody's gone.
15:40Well, what about Binghamton?
15:42Oh, yeah.
15:43Yeah, that's our one problem, Binghamton.
15:45We've got to find some way of putting him out of action.
15:51And I think I know just how to do it.
15:58One more hour, Carpenter.
16:00Just think of it, M minus 60 and then we're minus McHale.
16:05Ah, it's almost like having a second Christmas.
16:21I was looking for something, Parker.
16:23Oh, yes, sir.
16:24I was looking for the skipper.
16:26Okay.
16:27Now, what would he be doing here?
16:28He's over on his own island, getting ready for his physical.
16:30Oh, well, he disappeared, sir.
16:32Disappeared?
16:33Yes, sir.
16:33Well, this morning he ran into the brush and, well, I thought he might have slipped off the
16:36island and come over here, but I guess he's still over there.
16:38Well, bye.
16:38Oh, that coward.
16:42That sneak.
16:43He's not going to chicken out of that physical.
16:45Oh, over my dead body.
16:46Get our hats, Carpenter.
16:47Yes, sir.
16:48We'll go over to McHale's Island and bring Blubber Boy back here personally.
16:53That's your hat.
17:01Hey, Skipper.
17:02Hey, you see him?
17:03They're wearing pretty feet.
17:05Skipper, come back.
17:06Martin Blazers, is he trying to pull?
17:22Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
17:25Chuck, Skipper.
17:29All right, let's go, you guys.
17:31And look, take the captain's boat along.
17:33Come on, let's go.
17:34Easy.
17:35Quiet.
17:35Ridiculous thing, huh?
17:50Where's my boat?
17:52Where's the PT boat?
17:54McHale, Parker!
17:55Where did everybody go?
17:57You men cut there out, bring those boats back here.
18:00Stand there, come to do something.
18:02Do something.
18:02Yes, sir.
18:03Yes, sir.
18:03Oh, sir.
18:04We should be able to make it back across the lagoon in this life raft.
18:07All right, blow it up.
18:08I don't care if we have to use water wings.
18:09Yes, sir.
18:09Right away, sir.
18:11Oh, sir.
18:13The automatic inflated handle seems to have broken.
18:15There's only one thing to do, Carpenter.
18:17Blow it up with that big mouth of yours.
18:20Yes.
18:20Hi, fellas.
18:28Hello, Sam.
18:30Hi, Joe.
18:30Hi.
18:31Hi, Joe.
18:43You go ahead and change.
18:44I'll get a hold of Molly.
18:59Come on, will you, Virg?
19:01Come on.
19:02I sure hope this works.
19:05I hope it does too, Molly.
19:07Because if it doesn't, there's going to be more fireworks than a Chinese New Year in Shanghai.
19:11Hey, now, how about that?
19:14You're a fine figure of a man there, Commander McHale.
19:17Now, listen, Quint.
19:18You keep checking through that door, and as soon as we finish examining the last officer,
19:22I'll give you the hi sign, and then you send Virgil in.
19:24I got you.
19:25Hey, Molly.
19:26I don't know how to thank you.
19:28Well, what does this suggest?
19:30Uh, hey, you want to go fishing?
19:42You're all set, sir.
19:45Now, what are we supposed to do?
19:46Huff and puff our way across the thing?
19:48Get some oars, boy, oars.
19:50Oh, yes, yes, sir.
19:51Yes, sir.
19:53Yes, sir.
19:55Yes, sir.
19:57The water won't float on sand, you.
20:05Yes, sir.
20:22Yes, sir.
20:31Yes, sir.
20:31Yes, sir.
20:33boy that's cold what would you like to have me do warm it up for you
20:49well wouldn't wouldn't be a bad eye turn around
20:54hurry it up i think i could be here any minute
21:01all right you can get dressed now next man i believe commander mikhail's the last one sir
21:09this is it commander
21:16good luck
21:20commander mikhail that's right sir
21:30straight to the waist
21:31well that's some bells you've got there commander thank you very much sir i do try to keep fit
21:49put that up in your head please
22:00you've grown an inch and you've lost 20 pounds since your last exam
22:10yes yes sir i uh i attribute that to uh a lot of fresh air moderate exercise and uh leading a good
22:20clean life you'll get dressed now commander i won't have to examine you any further thank you sir
22:25you did it you clean liver you
22:36let's not have this uniform let's get out of here
22:39oh my god captain jensen thank goodness you're still here i wanted to catch you before you got
22:47away so i could get a hold of mikhail and have you examine him
22:49what are you talking about binghamton i just got through examining mikhail
22:53he showed up well certainly
22:55what happened to you
22:58oh never mind now when does he ship out
23:00ship out why should i ship him out he's one of the most perfect specimens i've ever seen
23:05mikhail
23:06you'll come back here
23:08what the nerve the nerve to call that man a perfect physical specimen
23:12you take another look at him
23:14what are you talking about binghamton
23:15go on doctor take another look in that room
23:21excuse me mikhail
23:23binghamton i'm gonna repeat
23:27that man mikhail is in perfect shape
23:29which is a lot more than i can say about you
23:31why you must be blind mikhail is pure flab
23:34oh so i'm blind huh
23:35well i can see well enough to see that if anybody around here is fat enough to ship out at you
23:40binghamton the scale
23:42me what do you
23:43i mean you look like you've been drinking too much beer hit that scale
23:47yeah this is time to
23:49the scale get a move on that's an order
23:51gosh skip i still think you should have invited your dear friend captain binghamton to brunch
24:04after all skippy did pick up the tabs for all the other meals
24:08yeah it's the only courteous thing to do
24:10come on knock it off you guys even if i did invite binghamton he wouldn't come and you know why
24:14here's to the captain what a surprise here's to the captain he has to exercise
24:30what a surprise
24:34what a surprise
24:36oh
24:40oh
24:44oh
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