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Taskmaster - S20 E09 >>> https://dai.ly/x9tc6e2
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00:00Oh, no!
00:05Hello?
00:13Hey!
00:18Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:36Hello, I'm Greg Davies. Welcome to Taskmaster.
00:39I'd like to start on a personal note, if I may, today,
00:42and tell you that Anna, the member of the crew
00:44who makes my coffees when I arrive at studio,
00:46recently pointed out to me that in nearly 200 episodes of television,
00:50I have not once said thank you to her.
00:52And so I want to start this show by putting that right.
00:55Anna, sincerely, thank you for all your hard work.
00:58But also, your coffee tastes like crap!
01:01Clear your desk!
01:02You think I can't replace you?
01:03I've got a thousand waiting!
01:05LAUGHTER
01:06Right!
01:07Please welcome our contestants!
01:09Anya Magliano!
01:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:13Maziana!
01:15Phil Ellis!
01:17Reece Sheer-Smith!
01:19And Sanjay Bhaskar!
01:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:24And next to me, a man who tells me
01:26he's going on holiday this year
01:28to a mysterious place where everybody spits when they talk.
01:32Wales!
01:33It's...
01:35Little Alex Horne!
01:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:38You're a hell out of people in Wales.
01:41I don't know what you've got against the people of Wales.
01:43You're subhuman, you said.
01:45Oh, dear.
01:47Brightest task, then.
01:48Yes, it is.
01:49Greg and I suppose it's also...
01:51Boo!
01:52Because this week, the category...
01:53LAUGHTER
01:55The category is the best thing that has a surprise aspect to it.
01:59Oh, good.
02:00Yeah.
02:01I have to say, I was a little alarmed when I first saw your surprise aspect,
02:03Greg, but I've got used to it.
02:05And I don't mind it at all now.
02:06The thing with a surprise that Greg likes best will get five points,
02:10and the winner of the show gets to take home all five things.
02:13Hello, Rhys.
02:14What have you brought that might surprise me?
02:16As you know, I am a bit of a David Dickinson in real life.
02:19Well, you've filled your house full of weird things.
02:21That's right.
02:22LAUGHTER
02:23I went to an antique fair and I bought this item.
02:26The Improved Patent Magneto Electric Machine for Nervous Diseases.
02:32LAUGHTER
02:34You crank the handle and you hold the two things
02:36and it's meant to give you a shock.
02:39I was sure when I bought it from the man, it didn't work.
02:43Right.
02:44So I took it home and I said to my daughter, Holly,
02:48do you want to have a go at it?
02:49Yeah, let's not take a risk on using it yourself.
02:51No.
02:52And I turned around and she gave her a mass in electric.
02:55LAUGHTER
02:57Absolutely bizarre.
03:00Anya?
03:01I brought in a mixtape and the thing that is surprising about it
03:04is that someone gave it to me and I've never listened to it.
03:07A boy?
03:08Yeah.
03:09What's he called?
03:10Ray.
03:11Ooh!
03:12So I didn't have anything to listen to it on.
03:14I didn't have one of those...
03:15Oh, you didn't have a tape machine?
03:17Yeah.
03:18I don't know what that is.
03:19The mixtape looks like this.
03:20It is a classic cassette.
03:21We can see it there.
03:22Yeah.
03:23LAUGHTER
03:25I've never listened to it but Alex has listened to it.
03:28You don't know this, Anya, but Ray introduced it.
03:30So I can play you Rayne's voice.
03:32This is a mixtape I made for you.
03:37There we go.
03:38Is that genuinely his voice?
03:40LAUGHTER
03:41It's like older than the electric shock machine.
03:44LAUGHTER
03:45Sounds like the guy who invented the telephone.
03:48LAUGHTER
03:49The second bit goes, Germany call it!
03:52Germany call it!
03:53LAUGHTER
03:55Well, Anya, let's not mess around.
03:57You've surprised me.
03:59LAUGHTER
04:00It's the weirdest thing that we've ever had on the show.
04:03Sanjeev, what surprising thing have you brought in?
04:06Christmas crackers.
04:08LAUGHTER
04:10Here they are.
04:11He's brought in Christmas crackers.
04:12OK.
04:13A variety.
04:14Hey!
04:15Huh?
04:16LAUGHTER
04:17Do you know what's in them?
04:18Oh, OK.
04:19I shouldn't write one point down?
04:21LAUGHTER
04:22It's not going to stop you.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:24OK, let's take the white one.
04:26If you open that up, there's a banana in it!
04:29LAUGHTER
04:30Weren't expecting that, were you?
04:32LAUGHTER
04:33I thought it was.
04:34Were you?
04:35Hang on, then.
04:36If we take the banana out, what do we find in the banana?
04:39A little cracker!
04:40LAUGHTER
04:41You weren't expecting that, were you?
04:42I am slightly more surprised by that.
04:44LAUGHTER
04:45What do you find in the little cracker?
04:47Oh, God, it's not a mixtape, is it?
04:49LAUGHTER
04:51No, it isn't, it's a picture of you!
04:53LAUGHTER
04:54I was kind of expecting it to be a banana.
04:56I wasn't expecting the small cracker.
04:57There was an element of surprise.
04:59LAUGHTER
05:01Macy.
05:02I've made a mixtape.
05:04I'm not Ray.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:06I'm not Ray.
05:07No, I've made a, er, compilation album.
05:10I reached out to various people connected to my fellow contestants
05:14and asked for surprising facts about you all.
05:17And this is the album that she's produced?
05:19It's called Now What's That About You?
05:22LAUGHTER
05:24Do you want to hear, er, Phil's one?
05:27This is from your mum.
05:28When Phil was four, he went through a phase of only saying the words
05:32Hedgehog no.
05:33Oh, fuck.
05:34LAUGHTER
05:35Hedgehog no?
05:36Hedgehog no?
05:37Well, we all go through that phase, don't we?
05:39LAUGHTER
05:41Rhys, er, I reached out to your comedy partner,
05:44Steve Pemberton, for this one.
05:46OK, this is what Steve said.
05:48One surprising thing about Rhys
05:51is that he used to draw pornographic pictures
05:55of all our tutors when we were at college
05:58and he would take requests.
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02Yeah, that's true.
06:07The requests used to be animals.
06:09Oh, George!
06:11Hedgehog no!
06:13APPLAUSE
06:19That is, er, very surprising.
06:21Phil, last one.
06:22Er, I have brought in a beautiful family heirloom,
06:26which is a grandfather clock.
06:28Yes, he has. Here it is.
06:29There it is. Beautiful, isn't it?
06:31Lovely.
06:32Passed down, ironically, from my auntie.
06:35R.I.P.
06:36I, er...
06:37She's not dead, but it's no life the way she is at the moment.
06:40LAUGHTER
06:44But you open the grandfather clock,
06:47there's a little surprise.
06:49Watch this.
06:50Yeah.
06:51It's also a fridge.
06:53LAUGHTER
06:55Did you put the fridge in?
06:57Yeah.
06:58I've devalued it quite a lot.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:02Oh, God.
07:03Oh, they're all quite good.
07:04Mm.
07:05Banana within a cracker.
07:09I still think it's the worst.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:12One point to Sanjeev.
07:13One point to Sanjeev, is it?
07:15Mm.
07:16Phil, I'm going to give it two points,
07:17cos it doesn't surprise me that much
07:19that you've put a fridge in a grandfather clock.
07:21LAUGHTER
07:22It doesn't surprise me that you have got a Victorian device
07:25for electrocuting people, but you get a point more than him
07:28because it does surprise me you electrocuted a child.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:32And then we're up to the big guns.
07:34Four points to the wonderful research.
07:36And wherever you are, Ray, you've just got five points.
07:40Five points down there!
07:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:46Right, let's have the first task, please, Alex.
07:48Right you are.
07:49And we begin with some honking, some whistling,
07:51and ten simple questions.
07:53MUSIC
08:07Hello!
08:08Oh, my gosh!
08:10Mm-hm.
08:11That's a lot of ducks.
08:12I was hoping there'd be ducks at some point.
08:14Very excited.
08:15What fresh hell is this?
08:18I feel judged.
08:21LAUGHTER
08:28Go and sit in the entrance lobby on Alex's horn
08:32and return on Alex's whistle.
08:35Every time you return, you must answer Alex's question
08:38within 30 seconds.
08:40You cannot change your answer.
08:42Alex will ask you ten questions.
08:44Most correct answers wins.
08:47Your time starts now.
08:49BUZZER
08:51Right.
08:52BUZZER
08:53BUZZER
08:54I need to just clap.
08:55BUZZER
08:56BUZZER
08:57Oh, wait a minute.
08:59Yeah, I'm not honking the horn yet.
09:01BUZZER
09:02BUZZER
09:04You OK?
09:05BUZZER
09:06BUZZER
09:07APPLAUSE
09:08BUZZER
09:14Well, there's not much more we need to know, is there?
09:17So let's just crack on.
09:18Yes, it's an intriguing one.
09:20And we're going to start with Anya, Maisie and Philip.
09:23BUZZER
09:24BUZZER
09:25Alex, I'm here!
09:26Helen?
09:27Where's this supposed to sit?
09:29BUZZER
09:30BUZZER
09:31Great, I'm brilliant, really.
09:32BUZZER
09:33BUZZER
09:34BUZZER
09:35BUZZER
09:36Maisie Adam, have a seat.
09:38Hello, Anya.
09:39Are you ready for the question?
09:41BUZZER
09:42BUZZER
09:43Yes.
09:44Yes, I am.
09:45Oh, lovely.
09:47That wasn't the question.
09:48Phil?
09:49Yes.
09:50What's missing?
09:52BUZZER
09:53BUZZER
09:54BUZZER
09:55BUZZER
09:56Your whistle.
09:57BUZZER
09:58This one.
09:59This whistle.
10:00BUZZER
10:018 seconds.
10:02I need an answer.
10:03BUZZER
10:04BUZZER
10:05BUZZER
10:06BUZZER
10:07Confident with that?
10:08Yes, one duck you've written.
10:09BUZZER
10:10Off you go.
10:11You need to be quicker with blowing your whistle.
10:13I won't be quick.
10:14BUZZER
10:15BUZZER
10:16BUZZER
10:17BUZZER
10:18BUZZER
10:19BUZZER
10:20BUZZER
10:21BUZZER
10:22BUZZER
10:23BUZZER
10:24BUZZER
10:25BUZZER
10:26BUZZER
10:27BUZZER
10:28OK, good.
10:29Hi.
10:30Phil.
10:31Anya Magliano.
10:32Yes.
10:33What's missing?
10:34Chicken.
10:35Chicken.
10:36BUZZER
10:37Duck.
10:38BUZZER
10:39Maisie.
10:40What's missing?
10:41A pumpkin.
10:42Why didn't you say that?
10:43Because it's right.
10:44BUZZER
10:45Fucking hell.
10:46Fuck, I'm missing it here now.
10:47Bastards.
10:48That was...
10:49Was that there?
10:50There's new stuff up.
10:51Cows.
10:52Was that there before?
10:53That is all stuff that's in that room.
10:56But that is that sock.
10:57BUZZER
10:58What's missing?
10:59Oh, the ducks are facing another way.
11:01Is that a clue?
11:02What's missing?
11:03Nothing?
11:04You haven't moved a thing?
11:05BUZZER
11:06I mean, Magliano.
11:07What's missing?
11:08What's missing?
11:09What's missing?
11:10Oh, wait.
11:11That apple wasn't there.
11:12BUZZER
11:13Is this the lobby?
11:14Does he really mean, what's missing?
11:16I'm going to take everything off here.
11:18Is the question actually like, what would you put in this room?
11:21I've furnished it to my abilities.
11:23What's missing?
11:24What's missing?
11:25Nothing, Alex.
11:26It's perfect as it is.
11:28BUZZER
11:30BUZZER
11:31BUZZER
11:32BUZZER
11:33BUZZER
11:34BUZZER
11:35Ah.
11:36BUZZER
11:37The ducks have gone everywhere.
11:38What's missing?
11:39OK.
11:40Yeah, well, then all the ducks.
11:41All the...
11:42No, the ducks have found you.
11:43Absolutely.
11:44BUZZER
11:45All of the ducks.
11:46All of the ducks.
11:47These are appearing outside.
11:48Maybe they're being taken out of the room.
11:50That wasn't there.
11:51Yes, but what's missing?
11:52Sock.
11:53Egg.
11:54Apple.
11:55Horse.
11:56Are you ready for the question film?
11:57All ears.
11:58What's new?
11:59What's new?
12:00Why would you do that?
12:01I think I've just got a hang of what's going on.
12:02You're just trying to throw me off and it's not working.
12:04BUZZER
12:05BUZZER
12:06BUZZER
12:07BUZZER
12:09BUZZER
12:10BUZZER
12:11BUZZER
12:12BUZZER
12:13BUZZER
12:14BUZZER
12:15BUZZER
12:16BUZZER
12:17BUZZER
12:18Oh, my God.
12:19What's going on?
12:20BUZZER
12:21Oh, thank God you're here.
12:23Here you go.
12:24Do you know what that looks out of interest?
12:26I don't know what's happening anymore.
12:27What's missing?
12:28Nothing.
12:29I'm worried these are things that aren't meant to be in the task
12:31and I'm seeing stuff again.
12:32I've rumbled you, hon.
12:34BUZZER
12:35BUZZER
12:36BUZZER
12:37Are you ready for your question, Phil?
12:38The final one.
12:39What connects all the correct answers?
12:41BUZZER
12:43BUZZER
12:44An iron.
12:45A butternut squash.
12:46A horse.
12:47An egg.
12:48What just connects all of these things?
12:49Yes, that's the question.
12:50They're all things...
12:51No, I couldn't get that up my arse.
12:53Good try.
12:54BUZZER
12:55They're all nothing.
12:56They're all nothing.
12:57Nothing.
12:58Yeah.
12:59They're all stuff I was left in my nana's will.
13:02BUZZER
13:03BUZZER
13:04They're all outside, on the shelf.
13:06In the waiting lobby.
13:07BUZZER
13:08BUZZER
13:09Thank you, Ania.
13:10I feel like I'm going to pass out.
13:12APPLAUSE
13:13All right.
13:14Good.
13:15APPLAUSE
13:20So, Ania, did you work it out, do you think?
13:22It drove me insane.
13:23It was horrible.
13:24It was crazy.
13:25It felt like some sort of torture system from an ancient culture.
13:29Phil, it was the most focused I've seen you throughout this series.
13:33Up until the point you stated that you couldn't get a big iron up your bum.
13:36BUZZER
13:37Well, not if it's hot.
13:39BUZZER
13:40I'm waiting to give it a go if it's not been near a stove.
13:44Let it chill down.
13:45Get some butter.
13:46BUZZER
13:47BUZZER
13:49Now then, what I was amazed by, because this hasn't been a characteristic of you during this series,
13:53is just how smug you were.
13:55You were so pleased with yourself.
13:57I thought I'd cracked it.
13:58I thought I'd worked it out.
13:59Oh, that was my favourite bit.
14:00You going, I'm inside his head.
14:04Have you got a smug face?
14:05Well, maybe.
14:06Have a look at this.
14:13Yeah, so we left them alone in the lobby, and Ania and Phil noticed things.
14:17BUZZER
14:19BUZZER
14:22BUZZER
14:24BUZZER
14:26BUZZER
14:27BUZZER
14:28Oh, no.
14:29Oh, come on, mate.
14:30And I can tell you that none of that is relevant to the task absolutely.
14:33APPLAUSE
14:39Good.
14:40That is the end of part one, and Alex's turn.
14:43For the first time ever, I'm going to let him send us into the break.
14:46Oh, thanks, Greg.
14:47That's all right.
14:48OK, well, it's the end of part one, and as why people...
14:51Shut up!
14:53See you in a bit.
14:55APPLAUSE
14:56Hello.
14:57Welcome back to the final part of this half of the show.
15:10What's he on about?
15:12Bonkers!
15:13Yes, in the current task, they had to keep leaving the living room
15:16and then working out what had changed upon their return.
15:19Now, finally, it's two impatient guys from the 60s.
15:22Sanjeef Bhaskar, OBE, and Rhys Wayne Shearsmith.
15:27BUZZER
15:28Ah, Sanjeef Bhaskar, have a seat.
15:31Rhys Shearsmith?
15:32Yes.
15:34I'm going to ask you your question now.
15:35Yep.
15:36What's missing?
15:40Oh, no.
15:41There's something that was in the room that is no longer in the room.
15:44Er, my enthusiasm.
15:47Already?
15:48Yeah.
15:49Question one.
15:50Yep.
15:51Would you mind writing enthusiasm?
15:52Yep, sure.
15:53On the board.
15:54I don't know if I can be arsed.
15:58Great, just nine more to go.
16:02The answer is one of the many ducks.
16:04Right, so you could have just written duck.
16:05So now penalised for being really clear.
16:08I mean, can't wait with you.
16:13Ah, Sanjeef Bhaskar, what's missing?
16:15Yellow duck.
16:16Ah.
16:20Hello, Sanjeef.
16:21What's missing?
16:24I'm going to go for another yellow duck.
16:27Duck, yep.
16:30There you go.
16:31Duck.
16:32Right.
16:33Which duck?
16:34Now you wonder what...
16:35I knew you were going to say that!
16:36It's nothing to do with a duck.
16:37Start with the thing of it.
16:39What's missing?
16:40I'm going to say two yellow ducks.
16:44Er, my next answer is going to be another yellow duck.
16:47Oh, you can...
16:48Do you want me to put that in now?
16:49Do you know what?
16:50That'll save a bit of time, innit?
16:51Yeah.
16:52Do you want me to give you the next answer as well?
16:56Well, it would save some time.
16:57It's up to you if you want to.
16:58Okay.
16:59Great.
17:00Well, I've actually...
17:01The question for number six is actually what's new in the room.
17:03Oh, is it?
17:04Hmm.
17:05Yeah, what the hell?
17:06Duck, is it?
17:07Yeah.
17:09Rhys Shearsmith.
17:10What's missing?
17:11What's missing?
17:12What is missing?
17:13The duck's face.
17:14You've got to tie off some ducks.
17:15There's a cat in here.
17:16Teapot.
17:17Rhys Shearsmith.
17:18How are you?
17:19Just before I ask you the question.
17:20I think just get on with it.
17:21What's missing, is it?
17:22What's missing?
17:23Yeah.
17:24Mr. Rhys Shearsmith.
17:25That's what's missing.
17:26What was the one after that?
17:27Oh, what's missing?
17:28Yeah, what's missing?
17:29Nothing's changed here.
17:35Definitely.
17:36Not.
17:45Well, that's new.
17:48So, just two questions left.
17:50Well, question nine is what's missing?
17:53What was in the room that isn't in the room now?
17:55Yep.
17:56Yep.
17:57Okay.
17:58And then question ten is what connects all the correct answers?
18:01What connects?
18:02All the correct answers.
18:03Okay.
18:06I do too.
18:07Excellent.
18:08And that's the end of the task.
18:09I didn't get to honk my horn as much as usual, but I will honk it now.
18:11There you go.
18:12I didn't do very well.
18:13By name, by noise.
18:16Thank you very much.
18:17Thank you, Sanjeev.
18:18We've got duck, duck faces.
18:20We've got a tie, some ducks, cats, teapot, mister, and the colour permitted from a duck.
18:25I'm going to say it's duck things.
18:28Connects all the answers.
18:29That's it.
18:30See you, Rhys.
18:31See you later.
18:32APPLAUSE
18:35I mean, that's one way to do it, Sanjeev.
18:40Not to care.
18:41But it's true.
18:42My enthusiasm, my will to live, my soul, they had all left the room.
18:47Did you have a lovely time, Rhys?
18:50It was frustrating.
18:52I thought the big duck walking out of the toilet, I thought, well, this is going to send him over the edge.
18:56That's new.
18:58No, it was sort of, it was what you would do to break somebody.
19:01Shall we see what was actually missing?
19:04Who, yeah, who got it right?
19:05Well, Sanjeev didn't, of course, notice the enormous duck at any point.
19:09Couldn't give a shit.
19:10Well, let's see if that tactic works.
19:17This is what was going on.
19:20Go and sit in the entrance lobby on Alex's horn.
19:24And return on Alex's whistle.
19:31Alex, I'm here.
19:33Helen!
19:34Blow your whistle!
19:35Hello.
19:36What's missing?
19:37One of the many ducks.
19:39A pumpkin.
19:40Eggs.
19:41Eggs.
19:42Eggs.
19:43What's missing?
19:44Teapot.
19:45A horse.
19:46Nothing.
19:47There has been a slam of the door each time I've come out.
19:49The question for number six is actually what's new in the rooms.
19:52Duck, is it?
19:53Yeah.
19:56What connects all the correct answers?
20:03I'm going to say it's duck.
20:05Duck things connects all the answers.
20:08Yeah.
20:09No doubt.
20:10Yeah.
20:13He's playing good in the end, but who would have thought?
20:15Literally, a person who couldn't care less whether he was here or not
20:19has got the system right.
20:20Yeah.
20:21Well, Maisie, you didn't put duck once.
20:23What a stupid task!
20:26Please!
20:27You've changed your tube.
20:28That is so stupid!
20:29Show us mud face again.
20:30LAUGHTER
20:40Phil, you got one and a half right out of ten.
20:42Oh, what's the half?
20:43Well, you put all the ducks were missing at one point,
20:45because he didn't see that all the ducks were still in the room.
20:47Oh, yeah.
20:48In fact, just one of the ducks was missing at that point.
20:49So I've given you a half.
20:50Oh.
20:51And you got two right.
20:52Rhys, you got five right, but the winner and five points to him
20:55is Sanjeev with six points!
20:56There it is!
20:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:02Scoreboard, please.
21:03Well, Rhys is in second place with seven points,
21:05but in the lead with eight points, it's Anya!
21:07Oh!
21:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:10Next task, please.
21:11OK.
21:12And it's time for an art task that made them go above and beyond the canvas.
21:20Ooh!
21:21Ooh!
21:22Ooh!
21:23Ooh!
21:27You're not...
21:28Oh
21:30Oh
21:56Hello hello
22:00And stop
22:02You feel safe?
22:03Well I did, now I don't, since you said that
22:06I'm not going to talk to you until you're safe
22:08Am I not safe?
22:09Nope
22:10Safe from what?
22:11Peril
22:13Peril?
22:15This will hurt a little bit
22:17OK, clicked in
22:18You are secure
22:20Wow
22:22I haven't been harnessed in months
22:26This is great
22:28Oh God
22:30It's really quick how much it hurts and pulls you back
22:36Paint the best picture of one animal sitting on top of another animal
22:41You must paint on the paper below
22:47I didn't spot that
22:49Excellent
22:51You must not leave the balcony
22:52You have 15 minutes and your time starts now
22:56OK, let me just have a little look at my things I've got
22:59Interesting
23:01So that's for the finer work
23:03Oh well this is just stupid
23:07It's a Taskmaster classic really
23:17It's paint a picture
23:18You know in difficult circumstances
23:20Mm-hmm
23:21So I think we'll just crack on with it
23:22But before we do
23:23Would anyone like to see Anya
23:25Deliberately run away from something that she's been tethered to
23:28And make a noise like a small cat
23:30LAUGHTER
23:32You're in luck
23:34Wow
23:36LAUGHTER
23:38APPLAUSE
23:40APPLAUSE
23:42OK, here they all are creating their high concept artwork
23:47So what animals are there?
23:50Snakes
23:55Pig
23:56An orangutan
23:57Have you decided on your animal yet?
23:59No, I'm just trying to work out how useful these things are
24:02No
24:03No?
24:04Not yet
24:05All right
24:06I hear you're quite an artist, Rhys
24:08Not on this scale
24:10We need brown
24:11Brown is red and blue
24:13OK
24:15Just gonna be a mucky horse
24:16So it's an orangutan sitting on a mucky horse
24:19Yeah
24:20That's a horse
24:21Just screams horse to me
24:25I'm trying to draw a top view of hippopotamus
24:29Hippos have quite big bodies
24:33Oh my God
24:36Oh, it's lovely
24:37Thank you
24:40Or maybe it is a dragon
24:41It could be a Komodo dragon
24:42That's a dressing gown, innit?
24:44Well, that's quite good
24:47Why not?
24:50Urgh!
24:52This is high
24:53Come on, horsey
24:55Brrrr
24:56Oh, this is so stupid
24:57Right
25:00Oh, this is ungainly
25:02Oh!
25:04Shut up, Alex
25:05Sorry
25:06I'm gonna have to use the tube
25:09Alex, could you pour it in the end, really?
25:11Just stop when I tell you
25:12Obviously
25:14Right, start pouring
25:16Here we go
25:17There we go
25:18Here we go
25:20Stop pouring
25:25Stop pouring, I said
25:26I haven't
25:31It's now a panda
25:33That is striped ginger cat
25:35Oh, it was good for a bit, this
25:4515 seconds
25:47Shut up!
25:48I'm quite happy with that
25:49Do you want me to sign it?
25:50P-E
25:52OK
25:54He's got an eye!
25:55WHISTLE
26:05Phil, I've said it before
26:06I'll say it again
26:07I think you're wasted in this era
26:09I think you're a 70s slapstick king
26:11Thanks very well
26:12I mean, how could you get wrapped up in your...
26:13I appreciate what
26:14I appreciate what
26:21We start with Phil's
26:22Oh, I enjoyed this task
26:28It's good
26:29Well, it's an orangutan on either a dog, a horse
26:32or a fire-breathing dragon
26:34Yes!
26:35It was meant to be fire
26:36but it looks like it is being...
26:37just bleeding from its mouth
26:39but it's a great orangutan
26:40It's amazing
26:41Yeah, the orangutan
26:42And it's a great demonic creature
26:44Very good, this Phil
26:45Oh, thank you
26:46You're welcome
26:47Let's have a look at Sanjeev's effort
26:49Here we go
26:54So this is viewed from above
26:55It's a ginger cat
26:57sitting on the back of a hippopotamus
27:00Oh, OK
27:01Yeah
27:03Yeah, it's a big grey thing, all right
27:05And it's a ginger cat?
27:07Yeah
27:08Do you need me to make the noise?
27:09Do you need me to make the noise?
27:14Who's next?
27:15Let's have a look at Maisie's one
27:17Oh, wow
27:18Never has anyone fucked up their own snake so quickly
27:22You like the detail though?
27:23The detail though
27:24The detail in the tail, that's pretty good
27:25The squiggly piggy tail?
27:27Yeah
27:28Yeah, squiggly piggy tail
27:29Yeah, squiggly piggy tail
27:30They've got corkscrew penises as well, did you know?
27:32What?
27:33I did
27:35What are you talking about a corkscrew penis?
27:37They've got a penis that's shaped like a corkscrew?
27:40Like a spiral?
27:41No, the other bit
27:43The arms
27:44The arms
27:45The arms
27:46The arms
27:47The arms
27:48The arms
27:50The arms
27:51The arms
27:52The arms
27:53The arms
27:54The arms
27:55The arms
27:56The arms
27:57The arms
27:58So
27:59As has happened throughout our friendship
28:00I'll show Alex some images of one animal on top of another
28:02LAUGHTER
28:13Hello!
28:14Here we are again
28:15Welcome back to an arty part three
28:17Our contestants have all had a long distance relationship
28:19with their canvases
28:21Best picture of an animal sitting on top of another animal wins
28:24Next, Gallery Singleton comes from resident artist
28:26Rees-Wayne Shearsmith.
28:32It's a crocodile. Yeah.
28:36It's a pretty good crocodile. Oh, it's a great crocodile.
28:39If you imagine it, it's quite a coquettish panda...
28:42..that's looking to the left, like...
28:47It's a pretty good panda. That's exactly what I was going for.
28:50Who's next?
28:51And it's Anya's picture of this animal sitting on this animal.
28:57Oh, wow, that is the worst, isn't it?
29:01What do you mean? Is it a dolphin?
29:04Yes. It's a whale. I can see it's aquatic.
29:06Yeah. Yeah.
29:08It's in the sea. And is the other animal the yellow thing?
29:10Yes. A chicken leg?
29:12A chicken leg. It's a bird.
29:15It's not a bird. You said it was a monkey.
29:16Oh!
29:18All right. It's a rubbish...
29:21It's a rubbish monkey on top of some sort of aquatic creature.
29:24Show me them all and I'll make some decisions.
29:26OK.
29:28I really like all of the paintings. I do. I enjoy them.
29:31So I'm not going to give anyone one point. I know you won't like this.
29:34Right.
29:35I think that at the bottom of the pile with two points each,
29:39and I don't think this is unfair, would be Anya and Sanjeev.
29:42I certainly don't think that's a cat and, my God, that's no monkey.
29:45LAUGHTER
29:47But, sure, there's a hippo and I can see that's aquatic,
29:50so I'm going to give them two points each.
29:51OK. Two to Anya, two to Sanjeev.
29:52I've got it.
29:53I'm going to give four points each to Maisie and Rhys,
29:55because I really like their paintings.
29:58But it's the detail on the orangutan that takes the five points.
30:01Thank you. I see the orangutan and I feel good.
30:03LAUGHTER
30:04It's five points to Phyllis. Well done, Anya.
30:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:08Please, may we have one more task?
30:13Yes, of course.
30:14And now it's time to put all five of them
30:16in some awkward positions in the dome.
30:19MUSIC PLAYS
30:34OK.
30:38MUSIC PLAYS
30:42Hi, Alex.
30:43Oh, hi, Maisie.
30:44In you go, Anya.
30:45In I go.
30:46Can I read that?
30:49Please read and do the task immediately.
30:51Your time's started when you walk through the door.
30:53Oh, OK.
30:55My time's already started.
30:56You need that in bigger writing,
30:57or maybe on the outside of the, er...
31:00Right. ..the dome.
31:01OK, I'll get on that.
31:03Have a little look.
31:04I'll just read this, shall I?
31:06OK.
31:06You must read each of these instructions out
31:10and do them immediately.
31:12Stand on one leg and keep standing on one leg.
31:15Doing it now.
31:16That's my bad leg.
31:17That's it.
31:18Put one finger in your...
31:20I've got no balance, I've got flat feet.
31:22Put one finger in your ear and keep it there.
31:25Put your other hand on your head and keep it there.
31:28Pull an extreme facial expression
31:31and keep that expression on your face.
31:33There.
31:34Yeah, lovely.
31:39Wow.
31:40Your time has started and will end if you move your hands.
31:43Touch the ground with your foot.
31:45I've came to face it, Patron.
31:48Please read and do the task immediately.
31:51The time's started when you walk through the door, yeah?
31:56What's the task?
31:57All the information's on the task, Rhys.
32:00What?
32:02Is it just the task?
32:04Why is there a...
32:05Why is there an apple turnover?
32:07Why is...
32:08I don't understand the chicken.
32:10Why did the chicken cross the road?
32:11To get to the other side...
32:13Why did the chicken cross...
32:16Turnover!
32:17Turn up, turn the task...
32:18Oh, you...
32:19Ha-ha!
32:20Oh, come on!
32:23LAUGHTER
32:29It's not touching the ground.
32:30No, you're OK.
32:31Oh, you can...
32:32Oh.
32:33It's all right.
32:34It's fine.
32:35Oh, there we go.
32:36You've done it.
32:37You've done it.
32:38Say the most five-letter words.
32:40If anyone uses the same five-letter words as you,
32:44five words will be lost from both your totals.
32:49Most five-letter words wins.
32:51I have 20 minutes...
32:53Yeah.
32:54..of this.
32:56APPLAUSE
32:58I think Rhys has spoken for everyone there.
33:08I mean, it's a fun task, you know?
33:10A lot of fun, yeah.
33:1120 minutes of this!
33:12LAUGHTER
33:13It does seem like cruel torture.
33:15You're just resting on that thing.
33:17Mm, as always, all the information is on the task.
33:19Fuck off.
33:20Oh!
33:25Let's have a look.
33:26Let's have a look.
33:27OK, well, here is a clip about APR.
33:29No, not your annual percentage rate.
33:30It's Anya, Phil and Rhys, Wayne, Shearsmith.
33:33LAUGHTER
33:36Say the most five-letter word.
33:40Erm...
33:42Am I allowed to rest the leg on anything?
33:45I've tried to put all the information on the task.
33:47LAUGHTER
33:49Oh, that's opened up a whole new world to me.
33:52Ticks, staff, tiger, horse.
33:55Lovely.
33:56Here we go.
33:56Animals.
33:57Roads, gangs.
33:58Crook, crime.
34:02Pasty.
34:03Oh, no, but someone else has probably said that.
34:05Pasty!
34:06Oh.
34:07I'm just confused about why that's there.
34:09You've got 16 minutes left.
34:11Wait, what?
34:13Oh, no.
34:19Oh.
34:20I know, I know.
34:21No, that's the end of the task.
34:22What?
34:23It doesn't...
34:24Does it say that?
34:26Oh, shit.
34:29Oh, Anya.
34:32Oh.
34:33How long do I have to do it for?
34:35You've got a maximum of 20 minutes.
34:3720 minutes?
34:38Yeah.
34:39How many minutes left?
34:4012 and a half.
34:4112 and a half?!
34:42You've got 12 minutes left.
34:4312 minutes?!
34:44Jesus Christ!
34:45Tango!
34:46On the dances now.
34:47Oh, beasts.
34:48Let's have that one.
34:49Right.
34:50Beasts.
34:51Teeth.
34:52No-one's going to say that, aren't they?
34:53Teeth!
34:54Plane.
34:55Plane.
34:56And I'll have the other plane as well, please.
34:58The I-N.
34:59Right, both planes.
35:00Got it.
35:01Pains.
35:02Crank.
35:03Tired.
35:04Hurt.
35:05Cruel.
35:06I don't know if you know much about me, Alex, but I don't quit.
35:08You do look in a lot of pain, though.
35:10I'm having so much pain.
35:11I didn't realise I'd sweat quite so much.
35:14Er, really sweaty.
35:16Sweat.
35:17Stat!
35:18Just two and a half minutes left.
35:19Great!
35:21Must get clean.
35:23Hurt.
35:24Boots.
35:25Snore.
35:26Shoes.
35:27Death.
35:28Socks.
35:29Yeah, ten seconds.
35:30Let's spend on a nice one.
35:32Do you know what?
35:34Laugh.
35:35We thought it would be one of them, couldn't we?
35:37BUZZ
35:42That was real as well.
35:45APPLAUSE
35:47I thought it was fair that you were kicked out because I was not happy with your silly face maintenance.
35:56Oh.
35:57What?
35:58Really?
35:59They're laughing at that.
36:00That's pretty silly, then.
36:01Good.
36:02A lot of pain.
36:03Yeah.
36:04A lot of sweat.
36:0520 minutes, one leg.
36:06No fucking leaning.
36:08I mean, you took advantage of the pain with your choice of words.
36:12I did.
36:13Pain, tired, hurt, cruel.
36:14Oh, wow.
36:15What a start.
36:16OK.
36:17It's time for some adverts now, but fortunately, their insipid blandness will only make the next
36:24part taste even sweeter.
36:26APPLAUSE
36:36Hello.
36:37Hello, and welcome to the final part of the show.
36:40How are you feeling about it all, Alex?
36:42You know, confident, relaxed, a little bit roundy, the holy trinity.
36:46The current task involves finding the other part of the task and then saying as many unique
36:52five-letter words as possible, but meanwhile, if a foot touches the floor, it's game over.
36:57With all of that in mind, and especially relevant, here is Maisie and Sanjeev.
37:04You must read each of these instructions out and do them immediately.
37:08Stand on one leg and keep standing on one leg.
37:11I'll just switch your legs.
37:16OK.
37:17Oh, bollocks.
37:18Right.
37:19I can't help noticing your foot keeps touching the ground.
37:21OK.
37:22Yeah.
37:25I really needed to go to the loo, actually.
37:27This is it.
37:28The time is starting.
37:29What?
37:30For God's sake, what have I got to do?
37:34That's just the road.
37:35Why did the ticking cross the road?
37:36Is it about what?
37:37Oh, maybe.
37:38But why is there an apple pie?
37:39What's that for?
37:40An apple pie, is it?
37:41I don't know.
37:42AWow.
37:43Why did the ticking cross the road?
37:44Is it about what?
37:45Oh, maybe.
37:46But why is there an apple pie, what's that for?
37:48An apple pie, is it?
37:57Well, it's apple pie.
37:59Oh!
38:01Is it an apple curl over?
38:02Why did the ticking cross the road to get through the apple curl over?
38:06Why did the chicken cross the bastard road?
38:10Oh, bastard!
38:14My hand on the...
38:16I don't think I have to do anything!
38:19You...
38:21You would have fed!
38:23Wouldn't you?
38:25Stop the clock!
38:27You want me to stop the clock?
38:29Yes! I'm done! I'm done!
38:31OK! Bye!
38:33Bye-bye!
38:36APPLAUSE
38:41I was so excited to do this show!
38:44I didn't understand the task.
38:46No.
38:47I got frustrated... Yes.
38:49..and I left.
38:50True.
38:51All of that was evident.
38:53I've got some interesting statistics for you.
38:56Rhys, you said 117 words.
38:5941 of them were said by other people, mostly Phil,
39:02which means your final number is minus 88.
39:05Oh, it's hard.
39:06Because each of those 41 loses you five words.
39:08Yeah, yeah.
39:09So, Rhys, you come last.
39:10Great minds.
39:11That is shocking.
39:13Cruel!
39:14Maisie, you get minus 81.
39:15You get two points.
39:17Phil, minus 74 in the end.
39:19Anya, minus 49.
39:21The winner of the task was minus 32.
39:24It's Sanjeev Bhaskar!
39:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:32The future task, it turns out, was to not say a lot.
39:36If you'd not said a word, you would have won.
39:38You fucking mean to tell me...
39:44..that I stood sweating on one leg for 20 minutes...
39:49..and I've lost?
39:51Wrong from Sanjeev.
39:52Care less.
39:56Let's have a look at the scores.
39:57Yes. Sanjeev, you are in second place on 13.
39:59One point away from Anya, who's got 14 points.
40:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:05Incredible.
40:06Yeah.
40:08It's that time again.
40:09Please, will you make your way to the stage for the final task of the show?
40:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:22Who will read the task, young fellow, my lad?
40:24I think Anya's going to read it.
40:26OK.
40:28Demonstrate to the taskmaster the idiom demonstrated to you
40:32by your team-mate.
40:33All team members must remain silent and on their spots during a round.
40:38Best team wins.
40:40What is an idiom?
40:43Am I an idiom?
40:46They're just phrases. An idiom is something like jump on the bandwagon.
40:48And first up, it's going to be the team of two.
40:50I've got a list of phrases. I'm going to show you one, Maisie.
40:53You're going to demonstrate the idiom to your team-mate.
40:56Reece Shearsmith.
40:58He will then, at the same time, do it to Greg.
41:00Essentially, charades with an extra link.
41:02OK.
41:03Greg, ready to guess?
41:04Oh, my God.
41:05OK, Reece.
41:06I've never been ready.
41:07Here we go.
41:09Go.
41:14LAUGHTER
41:15You can just copy her if you want.
41:23What do you think it is, Greg?
41:28What do you think it is, Greg?
41:31That's...
41:35APPLAUSE
41:39What do you think it was in the end, Reece?
41:41Because you're the only one who saw it.
41:43Something like a taste injection?
41:44Yes. A taste...
41:45A taste injection.
41:46He was just doing this.
41:47It's a phrase, so think about phrases.
41:49Yes.
41:50They've turned on each other.
41:51A taste...
41:52A taste of...
41:53A taste of your own injection.
41:54A taste of your own medicine.
41:56Oh, yeah.
41:57They scored zero, so can we have two of the team of three, please?
41:59If you can go and sit down and swap chairs.
42:00Shall we go for...?
42:01OK.
42:02OK.
42:03OK, so you've got to beat zero.
42:04Are you ready, Greg?
42:05Ready.
42:06Your time will start when you see the first one.
42:07Oh!
42:08Oh!
42:19Chat dog.
42:20Chat cat.
42:21Chat chat.
42:24Chat.
42:25Talk.
42:26Talk.
42:27Chat.
42:28Chat or talk?
42:30Uh, uh...
42:31Uh, dear?
42:32Rap.
42:33The devil!
42:34Oh, so close!
42:35Oh!
42:36You were so close to it.
42:37What was it?
42:38I think Greg is the weak link in this.
42:41Get fucked am I!
42:43It was, of course, speak of the devil.
42:46Speak of the devil.
42:47The good news is, it's still nil-nil.
42:49You can go back to your seat.
42:50APPLAUSE
42:56Uh...
42:58Over.
43:00Go.
43:01Go.
43:02Go on.
43:04Go on.
43:05Go on.
43:06Go on, A.
43:10Wild.
43:11Right.
43:15Go on, a wild.
43:16Goose chase.
43:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:19Good one, a good one.
43:20The two of you are the one, please.
43:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:23You've got one, right?
43:24Oh!
43:26You have the actor Sanjeef Bhaskar with me.
43:28Nice and quiet, everyone, please.
43:34First word.
43:35A.
43:36Oh.
43:39Moon.
43:40Hole.
43:41Leg.
43:43Knee.
43:44Thigh.
43:45Limb.
43:47Oh, shirt.
43:49Blue.
43:50Ten seconds.
43:51Moon.
43:52No blue moon.
43:54Five seconds.
43:56No balloon.
43:57No blue moon.
43:58A.
43:59One.
44:00First word.
44:02What is it?
44:03Once in a blue moon.
44:04Once in a blue moon.
44:05It was once a blue moon.
44:06It's one-nil.
44:07With one round to go.
44:08Well done.
44:09That was great, Sanjeef.
44:10This is the last round.
44:11One-nil.
44:12You need to build a lead here.
44:13Good luck, Greg.
44:15Good luck, mate.
44:19Cold.
44:20Cold foot.
44:21Cold shoe.
44:22Cold foot.
44:23Cold foot.
44:24Cold foot.
44:27Cold feet.
44:28Cold feet!
44:29Cold feet!
44:30Cold feet!
44:35Bite.
44:37Bite.
44:38Bite the bullet.
44:39Correct!
44:41Second hand.
44:42Tick.
44:43Lesson.
44:44Tick.
44:45What's the time?
44:46Time to fly?
44:50It's party time.
44:51WHISTLE BLOWS
44:52WHISTLE BLOWS
44:53WHISTLE BLOWS
44:54WHISTLE BLOWS
44:55Time flies what you're having, Clara.
44:59So far, 3-0 with one go to go.
45:02Ready, Greg?
45:03Yeah, I mean, yeah.
45:04Ready, Sanjeef?
45:05Ready, Phil?
45:12Bite.
45:14What?
45:15Okay.
45:16First word.
45:17By…
45:18By…
45:20The…
45:21Don't bite the hand that feeds you, surely?
45:25By the…
45:26Oh!
45:27By the spider!
45:30By the…
45:32By the…
45:33Oh!
45:34What was it, Phil?
45:36It was by the skin of your teeth.
45:41Yeah. I probably would have got that if it wasn't for this.
45:48Add that to the final scores. Come down and join me.
45:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:59Come on, mate. OK, scores-wise, well, it's up to you.
46:03The team of two got three right, the team of three got zero right,
46:06so how do the points work? So, five points to the team that got some right
46:09and no points to the ones who didn't get any wrong.
46:11Well done, Maisie and Rhys, five points each!
46:18So, it's turned upside down, the two people at the bottom are now at the top.
46:21Maisie's in second place with 16 points, but the winner is...
46:24Rhys with 17 points!
46:28Rhys Shearsmith has won!
46:30Please head up to secure your feelings with a surprise aspect of it!
46:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:38So, what have we learnt from today's show?
46:41We've learnt this. If you want to win in life, be more Sanjeev.
46:45Care less, win more.
46:48We've also learnt, don't tie your cat to a fence.
46:51And let's not forget, this episode's winner, Rhys Shearsmith!
46:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:59MUSIC PLAYS
47:11MUSIC CONTINUES
47:16MUSIC CONTINUES
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