- 25 minutes ago
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00:00Today's the day with my toupee, I go to the award show.
00:26It's wig wearer of the year, a night alone without the moron.
00:35Can't wait for tonight, oh, what a delight to see Bob's trophy in his hands.
00:40I'll be so proud, sat in the crowd, drunk as a lord without me pants on.
00:47Just you and me on a night out together.
00:50Hey, who should we thank if I win?
00:52What, Vic? No, I'm not thanking that arsehole.
00:56Is that who you're talking to? Is it Wiggy, that little fella who lives on your head?
00:59Yeah, you just leave him alone, right?
01:01Today, I don't want you sweating near him, I don't want you slavering on him,
01:04I don't want you creating breezes near him.
01:06I need him completely unflustered for the evening's award show.
01:09Bob, that wig will remain safe and undisturbed.
01:14Unless something unto us happens, which I'm sure it won't.
01:18It's really very reassuring.
01:21Now, Bob, did you get me curly-cheesy puffs?
01:23Did you get me curly-cheesy puffs?
01:24Did you get me curly-cheesy puffs? Did you get them?
01:25Did you get them?
01:26Yes!
01:27Yes!
01:28Yes!
01:29Yes!
01:30Yes!
01:31Yes!
01:32Yes!
01:33Yes!
01:34No!
01:35No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:39Dryness.
01:42Dehydrated...
01:44...need...
01:45...water.
01:46Cool, refreshing Scottish water.
01:49Of course I got them.
01:51There you are.
01:52I was just kidding.
01:53Just kidney beans.
01:54Just kindling.
01:55That kind of thing.
01:56There you go.
01:57What's the matter?
02:02These are straight ones. I ask for curly ones.
02:05Well, they'll just taste the same, won't they?
02:07No, they won't. You eat with your eyes, man.
02:10What's the matter with your...
02:12Whoa! Come here.
02:19There you are, freshly curled.
02:22What?
02:25Oh, no, it's not the same. I can still test the straightness.
02:28Go and get me a curly one.
02:29No, I won't. I'm not your slave.
02:31I'm sorry about the lack of curl,
02:33but, look, today's the day of my award ceremony.
02:36Can't we just create a nice, pleasant atmosphere?
02:39Go on, why don't you show me what you've been doing
02:41on your little computer?
02:43You all right, then?
02:44Actually, I've been up all night working on Photoshop.
02:47You know what I mean? Sorry?
02:49Working on Photoshop.
02:51Yeah, I got that. What was a little flourish afterwards, though?
02:53Working on Photoshop. You know what I mean?
02:55It's like cool for, do you know what I mean?
02:58Oh, right. Do you know what I mean?
03:00Yeah, I get you.
03:01Yeah, no, I know the Photoshop.
03:03It's not the Photoshop.
03:05It's just Photoshop.
03:07Just Photoshop, you idiot.
03:09Idiot? Oh, yeah.
03:10If I was an idiot, would I be able to do this?
03:16Huh?
03:17What?
03:18Oh, well, you'll never know.
03:20Go on.
03:21What have you been doing?
03:22Well...
03:24Bob, have you ever wondered what Richard Branson...
03:27Sir Richard Branson might look like if he didn't have a beard?
03:31Yeah, all the time.
03:32Sometimes every minute of every day.
03:34Yeah, I think most people...
03:35Most people have wondered that at some point in their lives.
03:37Yeah, definitely, definitely.
03:38Have a look at this.
03:44I don't even know who that is, Mick.
03:45I don't recognise him at all.
03:47It's Richard Branson.
03:48Sir Richard Branson.
03:49Really?
03:50But wait a minute.
03:51Look.
03:56Wow, he's back. It's Richard.
03:58Sir Richard.
03:59Sir Richard's back now, so he can design more hot air balloons.
04:03Yeah.
04:04Do you know, you've done really well, Vic.
04:07You've done really, really well.
04:08Bob, can I ask you something?
04:10I don't know, can you?
04:11Yeah.
04:12Do you know it's the wig wearer of the year awards tonight?
04:14Yeah, and if I win it'll be three years on the trot and I get to keep the wig.
04:18Yep, so no more rentals on it.
04:20No, it's mine to keep.
04:21I was wondering, I'd really like to go to something like that.
04:25Can I go with you?
04:26No, no, no, no, no, no.
04:27You're not going, Vic.
04:28Do you remember last year with Bruce Forsyth?
04:31Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and gentlemen.
04:36Welcome to the wig wearer of the year award.
04:43Fly free, my bitch.
04:44Fly.
04:45Give it to me.
04:54Yeah, well, that wasn't nothing to do with me.
05:06That was Kez's fault.
05:08Look, Vic, if you're at a loss for something to do tonight,
05:11why don't you wash your bed sheets for once
05:13instead of just leaning them up against the wall every morning?
05:16How am I supposed to wash them?
05:18We haven't got a river nearby.
05:19A river?
05:20We don't live in Wales.
05:22How did you wash them last time?
05:25I just walked them through that car wash over there.
05:28But that car wash over there?
05:30Yeah, that shut in 1982.
05:32Is that the last time you washed them?
05:34Yeah, so I can't go there again, can I?
05:36Oi, come here, come here.
05:37Oh, all right, Bosh.
05:38No, never mind all that, you twat.
05:40I need you to do something for me.
05:41Here, look after that.
05:42Bosh, Bosh, hold on a minute.
05:44First off, what is it?
05:46It's, you know, one of them sort of pump-me-up energy drinks, innit?
05:48You know?
05:49Oh, Bosh?
05:50Bosh?
05:51What?
05:52What, so it's just like for bodybuilders, that sort of thing?
05:53Yes, bodybuilding juices, exactly right.
05:54Bosh?
05:55What?
05:56Come here, are you moving out today?
05:57No, I am not moving out, Bob.
05:59Why not?
06:00I'll tell you why not.
06:02Because I have very rapidly fallen madly in love with you.
06:16That's the first of many, you twat.
06:22Be careful with that.
06:25All right, Vic?
06:26All right, where are you going, son?
06:27I'm going to go to the toilet.
06:29Enjoy yourself, kid.
06:31Hey, Vic, did you hear that?
06:32This is like bodybuilders liquid, you know?
06:34Yeah.
06:35You know, I wouldn't mind being all buffed up for tonight's award show.
06:38Me too.
06:39Yeah, but you're not coming, are you?
06:41Hmm.
06:42What part of your body are you most looking forward to getting buffed up?
06:46I've got to say the top half, because bottom half, got to be honest,
06:50it's pretty buffed up already, to be honest.
06:52Yeah.
06:53Here, check it out.
06:54Come on.
06:55Whoa, that's good and thick, then, innit?
06:57Yeah, you can't actually get your hand round it, can you?
06:59No, it's rock hard as well.
07:00Yeah, it's quite short.
07:01Yeah, it's quite short.
07:02It's quite short.
07:03I don't think you should be good for football, that.
07:10Hey, Vic, I wonder if it's kicked in already yet?
07:12Yeah.
07:13Yeah.
07:14We need to lift something.
07:15Have you got anything heavy?
07:16I've got a Metallica album, but it doesn't weigh much.
07:19What was that?
07:21It was a joke.
07:22Oh, right, it didn't land though, yeah?
07:25We need to lift something that's really heavy.
07:27That lamp's heavy.
07:28We've never been able to lift that, have we?
07:29Yeah.
07:30Go on, give it a go.
07:33Go on.
07:34Yeah!
07:35It's not happening.
07:36It's a very heavy lamp, isn't it?
07:39It's too heavy, that, son.
07:40Yeah.
07:41What's happened to my toupee?
07:42Where's my toupee gone, Vic?
07:44Where's my...
07:45Where's my toupee gone, Vic?
07:47Bob, Bob, you know that old arthritic rat thing that hangs around here sometimes?
07:51Yeah, well, what's that going to do with it?
07:52It's walking off with your wig down there.
07:54Well, catch it, Vic.
07:58Well, grab it for me, Vic.
08:00It's your wig you get it.
08:02No, I'm scared of it.
08:03You know, I'm just a little boy, really.
08:05Will you just grab it for me?
08:06Keep your hair on.
08:10Please, just grab it for us, Vic.
08:11Well, I'm going as fast as I can for someone who hasn't got a ticket for the Wigwear of the Year awards.
08:14Oh, just grab it, Vic, please.
08:16Look, it's so old it's developed a force field around it.
08:22Well, penetrate it, Vic.
08:24I'd feel a lot braver if I had a ticket for tonight.
08:27You're not going.
08:28Get it.
08:29Bob, Bob, no.
08:30It really has gone.
08:31It's gone underneath the cooker.
08:37Bob, you're all pumped up.
08:39Harness the power.
08:40Get out of my way.
08:46The prophecy has been fulfilled.
08:54You cheeky monkey.
08:56You silly sausage.
08:58You silly belly.
09:00You dafty per...
09:02Oh, you idiot.
09:04Oh, yes?
09:05Yes.
09:06If I was an idiot, would I be able to do this?
09:10Charity.
09:11Sweet charity.
09:12Sentimental gay abandon.
09:16TESTROYN!
09:26Charity.
09:27Sweet charity.
09:28Sentimental gay abandon.
09:33TESTROYN!!!!
09:37Dino-Fly!
09:58Why?!
10:04Dance!
10:07There goes my toupee! Get after it! Before we lose the power!
10:20Yes, master!
10:22For goodness sake!
10:33It's gone into Julie's flat.
10:35Oh, not Julie's. Here, get out of the way.
10:40Here is my pan and you must understand
10:43I was told it was made of iron
10:47When I got home and heated my stove
10:51It melted cos it's made from plastic!
11:00What a fool I've been with the purchase of this frying pan
11:04I tell you this, if ever you need a frying pan
11:06Go to a regular store and knock Krusty Ken's kitchen shithouse
11:10I like your boots, Beef!
11:14Yes, they're Canadian, made from a wolf's penis
11:18Did you get them in Canada?
11:20No, I got them in Hartlepool
11:22They are Canadian
11:24They are Canadian
11:26Let me show you if you twist the heel
11:28Inside is a small bottle of maple syrup
11:30Four pancakes
11:32Which is what I was trying to cook in Krusty Ken's kitchen shithouse frying pan
11:35Transpires it's about as much use as a
11:38Plastic frying pan
11:40Was that a joke?
11:44What's that little sauce pot doing?
11:50Beef! Beef!
11:52You know that little rat thing?
11:54That little rat beaver thing?
11:55Yes
11:56It's nicked me toupee and taken it into Julie's house
11:58And without it I can't go to the award show
12:00It's a disaster!
12:01Well that little rat beaver thing?
12:02Yeah
12:03Well hasn't that been in this building since our forefathers were here in the 1970s?
12:07Mmmmm
12:09Oh blimey
12:11I hate being a bus conductor
12:15Yeah, I love you do Dickie
12:16Hey, one of those coloured gentlemen's moved in next door
12:20Cool
12:21He ain't half tall
12:22I ain't fat
12:24I dunno how he squeezes into that little hillmen interpiece
12:27Oh hello Harper
12:30Cool blimey. I only just got an eyeful of that bit of crumpet next door and she's only moved in with a colored fella
12:37He ain't half tall
12:39I ain't fat. I should say
12:42Yes, hey that little rat weasel things making off rather slowly I might add with your caramel wafer
12:50Boy that rat gerbil things been slowly stealing stuff since our fathers lived here in the 1950s
13:00Look here darling, I'm sick and tired of working at the foreign office
13:10Do you think you might possibly have a word with your father and see if you could secure me a position at the Treasury?
13:14I'll see what I can do now listen that colored gentleman still living next door, you know
13:20He's very tall and fat
13:24No idea how he squeezes himself into that rather wonderful little Morris Oxlade of his
13:30Oh
13:32Darling now isn't here you to transpires that fancy blouse from next door's moved in with a colored chap and he is a tall one
13:40And fat
13:42Now look here that little rat beaver thing there is making off in a rather casual manner I might add with my brisket
13:49I was going to have that for my team
13:54Rick would you go next door to Julie's and get it for me? I'm a girl. Why don't you go?
13:58Because I'm disgusting
14:00Well I'm not going what ten o'clock she'll have had her first sherry and she's at her randiest then
14:06Beef would you go? I'm not going
14:08Why not? I have no idea where next door is
14:10I don't even know who you are
14:12I'll go if you give us a ticket for tonight
14:14You get that wig back you can have a ticket Vic
14:18Right good
14:20I'm having some of this first
14:22You know it's not a bad idea
14:24Oh go easy
14:26Oh
14:28Good luck
14:30Thanks
14:32Pancakes
14:34How the hell did you do that?
14:38You have to believe in yourself Bob
14:40Do you believe in yourself?
14:42Yes I believe
14:44Well then you will be fine
14:46Okay
14:50What a fool
14:52Oh
14:54Jesus
15:00Oh hello tiny little bear thing
15:02Long time no see
15:04You've been around here for a long while since my mother lived here in the seventies
15:08I'll take a couple of those and a cup of tea
15:18Oh I say
15:20Ain't you a lively one of no mistake
15:22Why don't you come in for a bit of hours your father?
15:26Me husband's away
15:28Who? The coloured fella?
15:30Yeah tall ain't he?
15:32Aim fact
15:34Oh
15:36Oh
15:38Oh
15:40Hi
15:42Where are you coming with my imperial lever?
15:50Julie I was wondering
15:52Can I just quickly grab that little beaver thing between your legs?
15:56Absolutely
15:57Be my guest Martin
15:59Do one
16:00No that's not what I meant
16:01Can I grab that little scruffy rat thing?
16:03Call it whatever you like
16:05No look that rat bear thing is run off with Bob's wig
16:08Where's it gone?
16:09Where's it gone?
16:10Where is it?
16:11He needs it for the wig wearer awards
16:12Where's it gone?
16:13Where's it gone?
16:14Vic Vic Vic calm down you're acting like an eight year old
16:17Okay when I was eight I was an ice road trucker
16:20Oh Vic let's just get married
16:22No thank you very much
16:24I will have to wear black though I killed my last husband
16:27Come on Vic come on Vic you can do it
16:34Never mind dad what the hell is this brew?
16:36Oh that's Bosch's pump me up energy drink beef
16:40Drives you mental I wouldn't have any
16:42Luckily I don't need it cause I'm pretty trim especially down below
16:45You can try it out if you want give it a feel
16:47Oh yes
16:48Oh that is quite fun
16:51Thank you
16:52I'd be very very proud of that
16:55Yes I am thanks very much
16:57Oh I'm sorry to interrupt this beautiful moment
17:00But I didn't know I was in Brokeback Mountain
17:06Well at least now I know why they call you beef
17:09Oh hi
17:11Oh
17:12Oh
17:13Oh
17:14Oh
17:15Oh
17:16Oh
17:17Oh
17:18Oh
17:19Oh
17:20Oh
17:21Oh
17:22Oh
17:23Oh
17:24Oh
17:25Oh
17:26Oh
17:27Oh
17:28Oh
17:29Oh
17:31Oh
17:32I hope Vic gets that wig for the award show
17:34Awards you say
17:35I won some awards for some films I made in Africa
17:38Oh yeah what sort of films were they?
17:40Well they were action
17:41Action and thrills
17:42All made under the blistering African sand
17:45Hey would I know any of them?
17:47Yes I think you would
17:48But would you?
17:49I mean I don't know
17:50Maybe
17:51I'm not your biographer
17:53How the hell should I know?
17:54Alright what were they called?
17:56Well there was
17:57There was
17:58Casabonca
17:59Morocco
18:01Cocko
18:02Where I played Colonel Hippopotamus
18:05Hold on a minute
18:07Did you just say you were in Casablanca with Humphrey Bogart?
18:10No I say Casabonca
18:12With Humphrey Blowhard and Lauren Backscuttle
18:16No
18:18Maple said it
18:19Yes please
18:20Not my minge vase
18:22I'm afraid so
18:27Friends
18:28Friends
18:29Young Christopher and Benji
18:31Friends forever
18:32Until Benji died
18:36There we are
18:37What?
18:38Oh my god
18:41It's horrible
18:42I know I am
18:44But what are you?
18:45Yeah that's enough thanks Beef
18:48That's enough thanks Beef
18:50Beef that's enough
18:52Yeah I don't know how to stop it
18:54Help me
18:55Help me
18:56It lives again
18:58I can see it
18:59It can only be destroyed with fire
19:02Ah
19:03Friend
19:04Oh
19:05Sea monster
19:06Friend
19:07Ridge dweller
19:08Friend
19:09Professor Lightbulb
19:10Huh?
19:11Pooooooooooooooove
19:13Don't harm us
19:15These are not the droids that you're looking for
19:18Oh come on
19:19Let's just get the trats
19:20What fun?
19:21Right
19:34Let's find out who you really are Professor Lightbulb
19:38Or should I say
19:41Vic?
19:43So Vic was Professor Lightbulb the whole time?
19:46Yes and I would have got away with it if it wasn't for that caretaker
19:49Oh Vic is it really you?
19:52Oh yes it's him alright
19:54Right I need to find that toupee and that rat thing
19:57Everyone into the kitchen please
20:04Right what do we know about this awful slow thieving rat thing
20:08I need to know its whereabouts
20:10I need to know its acquaintances
20:12I even want to know how, when and why it shits
20:15Come on
20:16Vic
20:17Vic
20:18Sir
20:19It's got your wig
20:20Yep that's a good one
20:21Julie
20:22Could it be a tiny camel?
20:25Put that on the back burner Julie
20:27Vic
20:28Sir
20:29Criminals often return to the scene of the crime
20:31Have you checked to see if it's on your head?
20:33I like the way you're thinking
20:35Nope not there
20:36Sir have you cordoned off the area?
20:38Yeah
20:39Have you combed the area for clues?
20:41I see
20:42Alright Eric always a pleasure
20:44What do you want?
20:45Just came down to get my curly cheese puffs
20:47You did get them for me
20:49No you got straight ones
20:51Well nobody eats straight ones these days do they?
20:54Father you know your problem
20:56What?
20:57You're the type of scum who goes to buy a curly wurley
21:00And comes back with a straight wurley
21:02He he he
21:03You're a tough cop Vic
21:09Yeah thanks
21:10You're gonna crack this case aren't you?
21:11Wide open
21:12I've got a good feeling about you
21:14Alright alright alright alright alright
21:16Come on you've had your fun
21:18Beef hit me with something
21:21When I was in Morocco
21:23I employed a houseboy
21:25That used to catch rats in his arse cheeks
21:29Thank you for that beef
21:31Come on Vic
21:32What do rats like this like actually do with the time?
21:35I'm sorry sir
21:36I just don't know
21:37I feel like I've let you down
21:38I'm just gonna go and have some all brown
21:40No hang on I've got it in too rough there
21:42Shit
21:43No when I said
21:44Catch rats in his arse cheeks
21:46I meant crack walnuts
21:58Thank you for clearing that up beef
22:04Bosh you've been very quiet
22:06What are you talking about man?
22:07I haven't shut up for the last half hour
22:09You haven't said a word
22:10Yeah I know you twat
22:11So come on the rat
22:13That rat has been here nicking stuff
22:15Since my dad moved into this place in the 1970s
22:18Here Stan
22:20There's a new clip he started working down at the depot
22:24Oh
22:25Whoa
22:26One dolly bird
22:27And one taking her up the balls bond road
22:30Oh no
22:31I've seen her dumplings in the canteen this morning
22:34Hey
22:35You should set a booby trap for her
22:37Get out of it you poochard
22:40I'm free
22:43So
22:44Six months banged up for playing Dutch hopscotch
22:47With a one-eyed sailor from Swansea
22:49Well nobody told me the rules
22:52Oh
22:53Is there something wrong with you there?
22:55Yes
22:56Yes I've caught a dose of something foreign
22:58From a Turkish pipe sitter
23:00You can't trust them
23:01Here
23:02There's that rat thing again
23:03It's got hold of your maracas
23:05Woo
23:06But Bosh
23:09How do we find the rat?
23:11Bosh takes moment to think
23:14I got it
23:16Donny
23:17You need to find the rat
23:19Oh this is useless
23:21He keeps going on about some Moroccan boy that cracks walnuts in his arse cheeks
23:26She thinks it's a tiny camel
23:28You've got an out on your mind but all Bran
23:30It's useless
23:31How are you going to find this rat?
23:33And I bet
23:34I bet
23:35One of you has had a cack in one of these cupboards
23:37All of you
23:39All of you
23:40Come on what are we going to do?
23:41Sir
23:42Sir
23:43When I was under the influence of the pump up juice
23:45I saw the rat via the gift of thermal imagery
23:49What do you mean you could see its underpants?
23:51No
23:52I could see it but just as a moving portion of hot meat
23:57You know what?
23:58I think Vic's cracked it
24:00So do I get the ticket sir?
24:01Yeah
24:02I get the wig
24:03You get a ticket
24:04All we need to do
24:07Is get under the influence of the pump me up juice
24:10Yeah?
24:11And then we can use the gift of thermal imagery
24:13To locate the rat
24:15That's right
24:16Get some of that down here
24:17Let's go and find a stinking rat
24:18Yeah
24:23That silly shot
24:25What a nitwit
24:28Africa
24:30Oh
24:31Saucy Jack
24:32There it is
24:35Get you
24:36I
24:39I
24:45I
24:50I
24:50I
24:55I
24:56I
24:58I
25:00I
25:01There it is!
25:03There it is!
25:05Where is it?
25:09Hold on! Stop!
25:11My wig! Stop it!
25:13Get up! My wig!
25:15It's ruined! Look at it!
25:17It's ruined!
25:27Beef!
25:39Well, that's it then.
25:41No wig awards for me.
25:43I haven't got a toupee. It's ruined.
25:45Oh, it's okay, Bob. Come on.
25:47I can mend it. Did I tell you
25:49I did all of the hair and make-up for the Vietnam War?
25:53Yes! Both sides.
25:55It wasn't particular. More rouge kamar rouge,
25:57I used to say, and laughter
25:59would echo through the tunnels.
26:01Shut up. Just get out.
26:03Go on, all of you, get out.
26:05Once again, all my dreams are shattered. Go on, out you go.
26:07It's nothing. I don't want it!
26:09Get out!
26:11Go on! Out!
26:17Right, well...
26:19That's no fancy...
26:21...awards ceremony for me, then.
26:31I wonder who'll win now I'm not going.
26:33Rod Stewart, I suppose.
26:35Maybe Zoe Ball.
26:39God, she don't have to look like her dad when she takes her wig off.
26:45So...
26:47It's not gonna be me.
26:48Mum!
26:49Don't do it!
26:50I think we've got a solution.
26:52Really?
26:53Hmm.
27:03And the nominations are...
27:05Ron Caramel.
27:08Nick Nolte.
27:11Andrew Castle.
27:12Bob Mortimer.
27:14Bob Mortimer.
27:17And it gives me great pleasure to announce that the Wig Wearer of the Year award goes to...
27:27Mr. Bob Mortimer.
27:29eilule
27:39polls
27:41God!
27:43Beat Don't we have a lovely day?
27:48The day I lost me toupee.
27:49Let's fill our cups.
27:54With those textbooks
27:56Toupee let's fill our cups with this pump up stuff and dance around this Michael
28:26Thank you!
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