- 2 days ago
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00:00Today's the day I decorate with paper I got off the ebay
00:25It's a surprise for Bob so I've done a good job, I think he'll be over the moon with this
00:32Oh look what he did, the useless prick, he's covered my home with horses
00:37I wish that he would leave well alone and stop destroying my beautiful home
00:43So Bob, what do you think?
00:45What do I think? It's awful, it's like seeing your mum in a codpiece
00:49What's the scenario here?
00:51Horses, beautiful horses, some of them galloping, some of them not so galloping
00:56That one there, that one there's more like a kangaroo
00:59Kangaroo? That's Billy Bongo, he won the Grand National in 1927 and 1978
01:04Billy Bongo, I remember Billy Bongo
01:08What ever happened to Billy?
01:13He got eaten by the IRA
01:15And what about this fella here? This one, it's too long, it's erm, like a German sausage dog
01:22Well you're right about the German, cos it's a German tandem horse for two people, you know, for lovers or friends
01:27You know, it's a German honeymoon horse
01:29Oh right
01:30Bob, did I ever tell you I was a horse whistler
01:33I think you mean horse whisperer
01:35No, horse whistler, I used to whistle
01:38Whoops
01:39And the horses would come
01:41Very useful at the stud farm
01:43Of course, yeah
01:44Well I'll tell you what Vic, I'm gonna live with it up to half an hour or so
01:49And then you can rip it down and we'll have it burnt in the brazier at a gypsy encampment
01:54Well charming
01:58Have a look, I'm all dressed up today
02:00I'm meeting a lady
02:02I have to admit, I'm feeling shit
02:04I was up till half for drinking lager
02:09Here, I like your new walk paper
02:11That's German honeymoon horses, isn't it?
02:13Yeah
02:14Apparently
02:15Billy Bongo there, some of them galloping
02:18Some of them not so galloping, see he's not ignorant
02:20Yeah
02:21So, Bosch, you moving out today?
02:22No
02:23Why would I, you twat?
02:24Oh
02:25Well, firstly, because it's not your house
02:28And also, I've never actually invited you to live here, have I?
02:31You're still there, aren't you?
02:32Am I?
02:33Yeah, you're still a little, you know, hooping cough
02:34Oh yeah, hooping cough
02:35Ah-ha, woo-hoo!
02:37Ah-ha, woo-hoo!
02:39So, Bosch, what's with the fancy clobber top half of the wheel like?
02:42Well, I've got my probation officer coming round to check on us like
02:45Now, I've told her that I've got a steady job
02:47And that Julie next door is my fiancee
02:50Oh yes, and I've also told her that I own this place
02:52Hey, hey, hey, hey, no way never, not going to happen nowhere
02:55This is not barnacle country
02:56Oh yes, I think it is
02:57Oh yes, yes, yes, yes
02:58Yes it will
02:59Oh, Bosch, hold on, Bosch, your breath stinks
03:01Does it?
03:02Mmm
03:03Oh, man!
03:04It stinks of booze
03:06And flies
03:08Well, I've been having a party, haven't I?
03:10You can't see your probation officer stinking of booze and flies
03:13Here, hang on
03:14Try a bit of this
03:16Mmm
03:17Mmm
03:18Mmm
03:19Mmm
03:20Mmm
03:21Chitty chicken
03:22How about that?
03:23It repels chickens as well
03:24And if I was you, Bosch, I'd put some trousers on
03:26Your probation officer might not be as free thinking as me, you know what I mean?
03:37Like
03:38Bosch
03:39Some trousers, some trousers on
03:40Bost makes tentative step towards trouser collection
03:42put some trousers on, your preparation officer might not be as free-thinking as me, you know what I mean, like?
03:47Bosch, some trousers, some trousers on.
03:50Bosch makes tentative steps towards trouser collection.
03:54Well done, Bosch, well done.
03:56Can you believe that in wanting to say that this is his house?
03:59I can't believe it, no.
03:59Isn't it extraordinary?
04:00Yes, it is extraordinary, I can't really believe it at all.
04:02Hey, Bob, Bob.
04:03Yeah?
04:04I forgot to tell you, this wallpaper also repels flies.
04:07Yeah, how come?
04:08Well, I put up these rolls here with a mixture of flyspray and hair gel.
04:12Oh, get you!
04:13And it'll also keep all the wasps away as well.
04:16Yeah, but we don't actually get wasps in here, do we, Vic?
04:18Yeah, well, you will now, because I put this roll up here with marmalade.
04:23Thick cut, that's why it's a bit lumpier than the others.
04:26Do you know what you are, Vic?
04:27What?
04:27You're an idiot.
04:28A what?
04:29You're an idiot.
04:30I'm an idiot, am I?
04:31You're an idiot, yeah.
04:32I'm an idiot?
04:33An idiot.
04:34Would an idiot be able to do this?
04:38BUZZER
04:41BUZZER
04:43BUZZER
04:44Eh?
04:45It's beautiful, it's beautiful, yeah.
04:47Now who's the idiot?
04:48I am, it's all, I'm an idiot, yeah.
04:50Yeah.
04:53I wanna make love tonight
04:56I wanna make love alright
05:00I wanna make love to...
05:04Two horses
05:08Some galloping
05:09Some not so galloping
05:10Some not so galloping
05:11Yes, famously ridden through the streets of Coventry by Lady Godiva naked
05:16I said naked
05:19You know what I mean
05:20Babe, I like your belt
05:22It's yellow
05:23The most yellow of all my yellow belts
05:25As yellow as a buttercup
05:27And like the buttercup
05:29I can use this to test
05:31Whether you like yellow belts
05:36Come closer
05:40Closer still
05:43Closer still
05:44Right up, right, okay
05:45That's it, down we go
05:46Okay
05:48Yes
05:50That's it
05:51You there
05:52Come here
05:53Test whether he likes yellow belts
05:55Do you get in there?
05:57Yeah
05:58Ooh
06:00Yeah
06:05Urgh
06:06Urgh
06:07Urgh
06:08Urgh
06:09Urgh
06:10So Victor, I like yellow belts, can you see?
06:11Yeah
06:12Yes I do
06:13You do?
06:14Well that makes sense because I said I liked his belt
06:16Can I have my wig back please?
06:18I have no idea what you're talking about
06:20Excuse me?
06:21I said I have no idea what you're talking about
06:23Vic just gives me wig back
06:25It's down there
06:26Look he's trying to escape again
06:27again hello everybody I like the new wallpaper German honeymoon horses yeah
06:49come and have a look yeah no wait here just the cool guys you like it that's fucking genius some of them
07:00galloping and some of them not so galloping this is why I like you so much Vic you keep on surprising
07:07me I've got some wallpaper I could put up in your room for you it's got like aircraft on it and robots
07:12aircrafts do I look like I'm five years old huh I'm in an aircraft or should probably land so my mom
07:20can change my diaper need to learn when to shut up father we're having a moment yeah Eric I'll see
07:29you later on at dusk we'll have a Ribena together some you crazy Vic so what was it you came around
07:39for beef I'm storing some things for Bosch is he around what I know I'll have a lot of things upstairs
07:45Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bosch Bos
08:15Really? So, what did you come round for, Beef?
08:18All right. Just hiding some things with him until the heat dies down.
08:22Anyway, are there any women in the flat? I'm feeling incredibly randy.
08:27No, of course not, Beef.
08:29I'll be off, then. I shall sit on my dishwasher until the feeling passes.
08:33All the best.
08:34Bye, Beef. Bye, Beef.
08:37She's nearly here. So here's the plan.
08:39You two get lost. One of you go and get Julie,
08:41and one of you come back, protect her being my boss.
08:43No, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it, Bosh.
08:45I'll have no part to play in it.
08:47Sorry, I'm not doing it.
08:48Well, in that case, I have no alternative than to play my trump card
08:51and send these exotic photographs of you to the national press.
08:56Exotic photo? What exotic photos?
08:58Ha-ha-ha! The John McCrurick ones.
09:01Shh! Shh!
09:03I thought I told you to get rid of them.
09:05Ha-ha-ha-ha!
09:07Yeah, well, no. I sent them to Bosh when he was in prison.
09:09I thought he might cheer him up.
09:10And they did, Beef. They did.
09:12Have you still got them? Let's have a look at those.
09:14Ha-ha-ha!
09:16Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho!
09:18Ooh, what's that you and John are sitting on?
09:20They're riding around. Is it a St Bernard?
09:23Yes.
09:24What's that on your head?
09:25It's a Christmas pudding.
09:27Ha-ha-ha-ha!
09:28Ooh, that's a nice one.
09:29You've got your arms around John's waist.
09:31Is that a rolling pin you're holding there?
09:33Yeah!
09:34There! Ha-ha-ha!
09:35All gone!
09:36Well, that won't destroy the negatives, mate.
09:39Oh, sh-
09:40I should have killed you when I had the chance.
09:43Right, she's here. Go on, get out, get out.
09:45One of you go and get Joanie,
09:46and one of you come back, pretend to be me boss.
09:48Go on, scram, scram, scram!
09:50Oh, hello!
09:53Do come in, Fiona, and make yourself at home, you twat!
10:00So, this is your new home.
10:03I like your German honeymoon horses.
10:05Some of them galloping.
10:06Some of them not so galloping.
10:09But where have my manners, they have abandoned me?
10:12Please, set yourself down there, my sweet, sweet darling.
10:15Now, can I get you a lager, a cigarette, or perhaps a chicken nugget?
10:23Thank you, I'm fine.
10:26So, how have things been going since your release, Mr. Bush?
10:31Bush.
10:32Not Bush?
10:33Not Bush shitty limits.
10:34Whatever you like.
10:36Do carry on, Your Worship.
10:39You clamber up through that window and be quiet.
10:41Right, come on, give us it all go up.
10:42Eh?
10:42Cup your hands.
10:44Down there, come on.
10:45Oh, I know what I mean, Nick.
10:46I'm gonna tell you that.
10:47Yeah.
10:48I'm gonna tell you.
10:49Ooh!
10:50Have you got it?
10:51It's quite refreshing, but no, it's not right.
10:52Okay, I'm decoupled.
10:53Yeah.
10:54I know.
10:55Here.
10:56On there.
10:57Not a waste man there.
10:58Get it in there.
10:59Have you got perches?
11:00Yeah.
11:01Right.
11:02Up you go.
11:03Come on.
11:04It's quite hard.
11:05Thanks very much.
11:06God, Nick!
11:07Oh!
11:08Oh!
11:09Oh!
11:10Oh!
11:11Oh!
11:12Oh!
11:13Oh!
11:14Oh!
11:15Oh!
11:16Oh!
11:17Oh!
11:18Oh!
11:19Oh!
11:20Oh!
11:21Oh!
11:22Oh!
11:23Oh!
11:24What's going on in there?
11:25Oh!
11:26That, that will be my maid!
11:27She's continental, don't you know?
11:29Excuse me one moment while I go and chive her.
11:32Do you still have me there, you daft girl, before I come in there and bite you?!
11:37Yeah, I'm so sorry about that madam now
12:07And does your maid live here yes, pardon me madam
12:36I'm so sorry about all this infernal noise
12:38What must you think of me, not much I'm sure
12:41Excuse me whilst I go and lap the bloody servant
12:43Hey, oh, hey, something's up there
12:52Oh, oh, oh, there, here it is
12:56Go and get Julie, you big wagon out
13:02Tell her to pretend to be me wife
13:03I'm so sorry about that
13:27But running a house of this size and grandeur
13:30Is a constant worry for both me and my fiancée
13:33Who will be here shortly, you twat
13:36Julie, I was just wondering if you could
13:44Hang on a minute
13:44Julie, I was wondering if you could do me a favour
13:55Oh, yes, of course
13:57But first of all, I'm absolutely desperate to go fishing
14:00Oh, come on, don't be an arse
14:01Yes, I'll just say yes
14:02Please
14:02Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes
14:04Come on, a little spot of fishing
14:05Come on
14:06Right, landing nets
14:07Hooks
14:09Yes
14:09All the fishing shit
14:10Oh, come on, let's fish
14:11Let's do it
14:12Oh
14:14Oh, I did enjoy that, did you?
14:16What did you catch?
14:17Duffin
14:17Oh, come on, I saw your float bobbing
14:19And the fish taking your bait
14:21Oh, don't be tight
14:22Tell me what you got
14:22A trout
14:24Hold it up
14:25Let me take a picture
14:29He's a beauty, isn't he?
14:35How much do you think he weighs?
14:37About two ounces
14:38Oh, the fish
14:40Ten pounds
14:42Oh, you silly boy
14:44There's nothing there
14:45We didn't even go fishing
14:47Julie, look
14:50Now, listen
14:51About that favour
14:52Bosch's probation officer's coming around in a minute
14:56Would you please pretend to be his fiancée?
15:00Oh, yes
15:00What fun
15:01Yes, yes
15:02Good
15:02We'll just come around in a minute
15:03In a minute?
15:04Yeah
15:05Oh, definitely
15:05Thanks
15:06And you say you're now in full-time employment?
15:08Oh, yes
15:09What is it you do?
15:11I don't know
15:12But
15:12My bus will be here shortly to fill you in
15:15Ah, hello
15:17Ah, there he is now
15:18I'm Gary Hardboard, Bosch's employer
15:21Good day, madam
15:22I'm Bosch's boss
15:24Lord Hartnell
15:25Now then, look here
15:26Every morning he raises the sluice gates
15:29And allows the fish and the birds
15:31And the small craft
15:32And the motties and the crabs to pass through
15:33And at the end of the day
15:35He closes the sluice gates
15:37And everything seems to be satisfactory
15:38And in good order
15:39Now, thank you for your kind time and attention
15:41Sorry, hold on
15:42I don't understand
15:43Which one of these bosses do you actually work for?
15:46I don't mind
15:47Which one do you like?
15:48Ah, brown hole
15:50Ah, Sergeant Votsman
15:52Yes
15:53There's a problem has arisen with our insurers
15:57Yes, well, there looks like a good place to have a high-powered business meeting
16:02I quite agree
16:03Let's go through
16:03After you
16:04Thank you, madam
16:05Good day, madam
16:05Good day
16:06You can't think about to both of them, do you?
16:09It's looking that way, isn't it?
16:10And you're in a steady relationship
16:12Tell me about her
16:13Oh, yes
16:14Well, she works for a Turkish man in Persia
16:17Istanbul?
16:19Yeah, that's him, Istanbul
16:20He gots fish
16:22Hello, my Trico
16:25I just got back from the old Thai pimple
16:27Call them Olivetti's doing half-blister your fingers
16:30What are you doing in my house?
16:32You coppers doing my head
16:33You must be the Persian fiancé
16:39Yes, I am Fatima
16:42Let me tell you your fortune
16:44All right, Julie
16:48Fatima
16:49Hold on a second
16:50Who the hell is this?
16:56You really are beautiful
16:57Maybe we should make love
17:00Tell me, what are you doing here?
17:04I'm interviewing Bosch
17:06Ah, he's applying for a job, is he?
17:08That'll be a first
17:09Maybe he'll find somewhere to live
17:11Or even get himself a girlfriend
17:13I understand Julie is free
17:15Your stolen bicycle pumps are outside if you want them
17:18Oh, thanks very much, babe
17:19Oh, I get it
17:20You've been lying to me
17:21You haven't got a home or a job or a girlfriend
17:24Right, well, this is absolutely unacceptable
17:28I'll be back next week
17:30And if things haven't significantly improved
17:32I'll report you to the court for breach of your probation order
17:35Do you understand?
17:36Get yourself a job
17:38Oh, yes, I quite agree, you twat
17:40One week
17:42Don't you dare be
17:46You've ruined the whole plan
17:48What plan?
17:50What whole plan?
17:52Oh, no, stop it, stop it
18:11Drop the beat
18:12You need to sort this out, mate
18:14Me, why me?
18:15John McRinney
18:16You've got to get yourself a job
18:18A job? Yeah, I'll take it
18:20No, I haven't got a job, Bosh
18:22Bosh, what you've got to do is think about what you really like doing
18:27Oh, God
18:28Think, think, squirt, squirt
18:30It's not a job, though
18:34That's not a job, though
18:35I know
18:36I want to be like that twat off the telly
18:38What, Gordon Ramsay?
18:39Yeah
18:39Gordon Ramsay
18:41Gordon Ramsay
18:42That gives me an idea for a plan
18:45What plan?
18:46What whole plan?
18:57Right, best behaviour, please, Julie
18:59She'll be here in a minute
19:00This is such a hoot
19:02Right, hello
19:04Here are your starters
19:06Whole chicken for you
19:09Whole chicken for you
19:11Now, let us say grace
19:13Two, three, four
19:15Olé
19:17Olé, olé, olé, olé, olé
19:19Olé
19:22Olé
19:24That's it
19:27Okay, now
19:28Would you like anything to drink?
19:29I've got skimmed, semi-skimmed, pasteurised or full-fat
19:32Maybe you'd like to try the yoghurt?
19:34No, fine, thanks
19:34Okay, then
19:35All right
19:36I'm sorry, Martin
19:38That table's taken
19:39You'll have to F off
19:41Oh, hello, madam
19:45Welcome to my new job
19:46I'm the proprietor of this pop-up restaurant
19:48Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares
19:50Named after the famous restaurant
19:51Off of Gordon Ramsay's
19:53Now, allow me to show you to your table, you twat
19:56I have warmed your seat for you
20:00Well, this is very impressive, Bosch
20:07Well done
20:07You know, if this is for real
20:09And not just one of your scams
20:11I might give you another chance
20:13All right
20:13Well, in that case
20:15How would you like your chicken cooked?
20:17Roasted or boiled?
20:18Sorry, I'm a vegetarian
20:19Well, have it called, then
20:21No, I'm a vegetarian
20:24Well, have it called, then
20:27I don't want chicken
20:29Have you got anything else?
20:30I've got a halibut upstairs in the bath
20:32I'm a vegetarian
20:33Well, have it raw, then
20:34What else have you got?
20:37Fags, milk and yoghurt
20:39Could you ask the chef to knock me up something?
20:44Well, give it a go, yeah
20:45Right, she wants one of you two to knock her up or something
20:51Knock her up?
20:53She's not had a pudding yet
20:54She wants us to knock her something up to eat
20:57Does she not like chicken?
20:58No, she's a vegetarian
20:59Well, did you tell her she could have it cold?
21:01Yeah
21:02Vegetarians don't eat chicken, not even cold
21:05Did you not ever know that?
21:06It was ridiculous
21:07Look
21:08Tell her we'll think of something
21:11Yeah
21:11All right, we'll get a bloody move on it
21:12Especially you
21:13Because if I don't feed her
21:16Then I go back to prison
21:17And the press get the photos
21:19All right
21:20Well, right
21:23Vic, think something
21:24That's not chicken
21:27But you can eat it
21:29Have a look in the cupboards, Vic
21:31Chickens
21:33Chickens
21:37Tell her the cupboard below
21:39Chickens
21:49Chickens
21:51Chicken
21:53Chicken
21:54You all right?
21:59Chickens
21:59Chicken
22:00Chicken
22:04right not chicken but you can eat it i know i'll ask eric he's foreign isn't he and you get on the
22:15phone to beef see what he's got in his cupboards right i'm so sorry about the inevitable delay
22:20madam the chef can be rather partial perhaps some light entertainment whilst you wait
22:25etc
22:34all right eric what do you want i'm very busy working on some dimensions
22:53oh that's interesting dimensions for what your coffin ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and so on
23:02yeah thanks eric look bosher's got a diner downstairs who won't eat meat you haven't got anything i can
23:07serve up have you yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah here serve that oh it's a classic yeah no it's right up
23:22uh yeah eric oh hello there i like your moo moo i bet you do it's made from moroccan sausage skin and
23:35winkles and it's heatproof i've been sat in the air and covered all morning without the simple bit of
23:41discomfort i should be in there this is all i could find look what is it does it matter i mean does it
23:52really matter yeah it does matter beef i think this is flour
24:01look here's an egg right we crack the egg into the flour that'll make a pizza
24:07yeah and for a topping we use maybe this sauce of beefs
24:13try it that's okay try it
24:18mmm real depth of flavor what is it i don't know i bought it from a bazaar in nairobi
24:26hmm it says here mugabe's personal nerve agent
24:31sugar-free may contain nuts please follow us on twitter and facebook
24:38kill him
24:56beef you know what that means it means we're going to die
24:59beef
25:01what contact me mum and tell her i love her i love her too
25:07on a weekly basis
25:08oh so i guess this is cheerio so goodbye vick i'll always love you hey
25:16goodbye i love you too
25:19i'm feeling horny again
25:24oh get out of my way
25:30you to me are everything the greatest song
25:34a man can sing oh
25:38get out of here go on man shame i shall return with shoes made of iron ore
25:45i'm so sorry about that madam we get our thoughts in here it really can be quite a challenge
25:58boss i'm dying due to nerve agent ingestion so i guess it's goodbye okay
26:06i'd like you to have me racehorse when i'm gone what jackham yes it's his 50th birthday on saturday
26:11there's a coconut in the fridge for him could she make sure he gets it he loves to suck on him
26:18pick pick it's all right listen it's okay it's worn off must be out of date or something oh yeah
26:26did i hear you say coconut i love coconuts maybe i could have that of course madam
26:34you can't deprive daft john of his sucking coconut i don't care about his
26:38sucking coconut if i don't feed her i'm going back to socket prison
26:44there you are madam a lovely coconut topped pizza thank you that pizza looks a bit hard
26:50yeah it turns out it wasn't flour it was grout
26:55was grout edible nope well this looks delicious bosh well done it's not cordon blur but it's a good effort
27:04so i'm not going back to prison then well no of course not
27:18and i am wearing iron or shoes and tonight i celebrate my love for you
27:25you
27:32you're trying to knock me up or something that was my plan my whole plan
27:40didn't we have a lovely day the day i ran a restaurant so what happens next we form a circle
27:47dance around the hydrothermal
28:01so
28:11so
28:24you
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