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00:05G'day folks it's Kenny Smythe here. Now I know what you're thinking. What's your ugly
00:09muck doing on me zombie box? Well some jokers in TV land reckon I know a thing or two about
00:14dunnies and when the idea of celebrating the UN year of sanitation popped into their scones,
00:19guess I got a lot with the job of hosting the show. So come and explore the septic
00:23wonders of the world with me. Welcome to my world, Kenny's world.
00:44That's one small step to the end.
00:50Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Keroen. I'm the captain and his crew. I hope you have enjoyed this flight and
00:55we hope to see you again soon.
00:56Sweet, cold, pretty, and I do mean pretty bloody cold.
01:04I've just arrived in the small town of Keroen and true to form my girl Jackie has teed up another
01:10cracker surprise for this weary traveller.
01:12Hang on buddy, I'm just...
01:15That's a bad call man.
01:16Hey, how are you?
01:19Look at you, you're all done up like a snow bunny.
01:21Welcome aboard, a good ship, huh?
01:23This is fantastic.
01:26Hi, hi.
01:27Holy God.
01:30How fantastic is this?
01:31The best.
01:32This was a good idea.
01:34Oh, I have them every now and then.
01:37That's magic.
01:38We've come all the way here to meet a man who's investigating herring farce of all these.
01:43But that's in Denmark at the moment. We're in Sweden and me and Jackie are going to take a little
01:48bit of time off.
01:49But for now we're going to go, I don't know, pedal to the metal. What's flat out? What's Swedish for
01:53flat out?
01:54Full fart.
01:55What is it?
01:56Full fart.
01:56Full fart.
01:58I should have asked, no one will believe me. We're going full fart.
02:01I think they are full farting.
02:04Full farting indeed.
02:05You know sled dogs have the rare ability to be able to push out their bum burgers and let go
02:10of the lemonade while all harnessed together on the run.
02:12Talk about team spirit.
02:14Luckily for us, this team weren't feeling the need for anything but speed.
02:17So where is it we're going to?
02:18Secret destination.
02:20Secret destination.
02:21Have a heater?
02:22They might.
02:23What's that?
02:25What is this?
02:26You'll find out.
02:27You did a great job.
02:28You know it's not hard to find a cool place to stay when you're 200 miles inside the Arctic Circle.
02:33But I reckon Jackie's outdone herself.
02:35I can quite honestly say that this ice hotel is the coolest joint in the world.
02:40Oh look at this.
02:40Is this the reception here?
02:42How are you going?
02:43Hello.
02:43Good thanks.
02:44And this is the bar.
02:46We'll be back very soon, you can count on us.
02:47For a cold one.
02:48Well I guess you can guarantee it's going to be a cold one, can't you?
02:51Have a look at this.
02:52Could you even imagine a more romantic place?
02:55And it's completely made of ice.
02:56All 80 rooms.
02:58Walls, roofs, tables, plates and glasses.
03:01Unbelievable.
03:08Yep, this igloo cum esky hotel can sleep up to 200 people each and every night.
03:13Since 1989 they've been bringing in teams of ice carvers to design and make the hotel from tons of ice
03:19cut from the very river beside it.
03:21And when summer hits, it all melts straight back down to the river again.
03:25And just in case you're wondering, no, the showers and dunnies are not made of ice.
03:29Well you could, but your ding-nangs get stuck to the seat.
03:32I assume we don't have to worry about there being a fridge in the room.
03:35No.
03:36Here we go.
03:37This is it.
03:39Oh well look at this.
03:42It's pretty amazing.
03:43This is a room for Superman and you're stuck with Pooper Man.
03:47Lucky me.
03:48This'll be a bad seat in the cinema.
03:50It'll be a good one.
03:50Excuse me madam.
03:53And the lights change colour?
03:55And it's going to be warm enough.
03:57I promise you it'll be warm enough.
03:58Alright, alright.
03:59I'll get you a little hot water bottle.
04:00No, it'll melt the bed.
04:02Now, talking about sleeping in cold, cave-like conditions.
04:05Did you know that a bear, just prior to winter hibernation, has to create what's known as a tappin?
04:10What's a tappin you ask?
04:11Well for starters, it's something that I'd find most uncomfortable.
04:14You see, before hibernating, a bear has to swallow a bunch of indigestible foods.
04:19Such as roots, fibrous tree bark, pine leaves and even hair licked from there and other bears coats.
04:24Hello.
04:25All of this creates a dense organic tappin, or bum corp.
04:29Which basically stops any further digestion and closes the southern exit for winter.
04:34The system works remarkably well, allowing the bear to sleep in peace without the need for a toilet break.
04:39But come spring, whoa mama, they gotta start crappin the tappin.
04:44And trust me, you don't wanna be near them when that starts to happen.
04:56Next up, I get a lesson in aquatic biacoustics.
05:00From the anal opening here, you have the bubbles coming out.
05:14Whoa mama.
05:16I was actually thinking about doing some number twos, but I'm having second thoughts.
05:20Because the actual toilet seat is frozen.
05:27I think I'm gonna make some icicles.
05:31Luckily, Jackie and I are not gonna be around to witness the summer melt,
05:34when all the bush critters' bum fritters begin to thaw out at once.
05:38Hello.
05:39I should've bought some snowshoes instead of no-shoes.
05:42The hotel have organised a great day for us.
05:45Eric here is a descendant of the indigenous Sami people,
05:48who have lived here for the last 2,500 years.
05:50Eric, how are you? Kenny from Australia, mate.
05:53How you going?
05:53Hello. This is Jackie.
05:54Hello.
05:54I'm excited, because Jackie and I are going on a reindeer ride.
05:58The only problem is...
05:59Well, now you're going to catch one reindeer.
06:01Right. With the rope.
06:03Yeah.
06:04Alright, well, I'll believe you.
06:07Push here, mate.
06:08Great. He moves.
06:09Okay.
06:11Well, this is great fun, isn't it?
06:14It's not working, Eric.
06:17I caught a tree.
06:19I've got the rope. You grab the gun.
06:21Hey, when I look and Santa be fat, you'd be fit as hell.
06:23I don't know.
06:24Who catches Santa's reindeer?
06:26Not me.
06:32Alright.
06:33There's a hole in the ground over here, Eric.
06:35Well, this is great fun, isn't it?
06:43Got it.
06:46Right.
06:48How was that one, Eric?
06:49You caught the wrong reindeer.
06:50I caught the wrong reindeer.
06:52Yeah.
06:53Does it really matter?
06:55I caught the wrong one.
07:00This is so beautiful.
07:02It's amazing, isn't it?
07:03This is where Christmas trees come for holidays.
07:05Yeah.
07:09You know, when I was a kid, I used to love shaking and playing with snow domes, but never
07:13in my wildest dreams did I think I'd actually end up in one.
07:17Simply stunning.
07:19That is beautiful.
07:22Look at that.
07:24Oh, my God.
07:32We had to sit in front of a fire tonight, I promise.
07:36I was so proud of the way you handled that reindeer today.
07:39I didn't exactly handle the reindeer for most of the day.
07:41I got dragged on behind.
07:43Snow tars out.
07:44Or no tars out, really.
07:46Cheers.
07:47Cheers.
07:50I just had to thank the Ice Hotel people for our romantic psalmy evening.
07:54And I think I came up with the perfect solution.
08:23We just wanted to say thank you in some way for a fantastic time we've both had, so we
08:29just wanted to present you with this.
08:31Oh, wow.
08:32Did you make this one?
08:35Well, I had a go.
08:36I've got to be honest.
08:37I did want to make it for you, but I completely buggered it up.
08:44Then I politely came in and said, look, you had a go, leave it with me and I'll get it
08:48fixed for you.
08:49That's the truth.
08:50But yeah, that's from my humble little plumber and he's lovely lady Jackie.
08:55I haven't put any plumbing in it.
08:57It's a pretty comfortable seat, just quietly.
08:59Well, as comfortable as you can be with cold on your ice hole.
09:02With cold, anyway.
09:05So sadly, Jackie and I parted ways again.
09:08She went to work in one direction and I in the other.
09:12I'm here to meet Magnus Wahlberg, who is without a doubt the man when it comes to aquatic biacoustics.
09:19You see, not all the sounds coming from the ocean are about communication, if you know what I mean.
09:24And not everyone listening to these sounds are scientists.
09:27Oh, look.
09:28That's a harbour porpoise.
09:29So it's not a dolphin.
09:30It's a whale with teeth.
09:30Does the girl feeding them know it has teeth?
09:32Yes, yes.
09:32All right.
09:33So on the tip of the nose, we actually emit a very powerful clit.
09:39So in theory, even with a blindfold on, it'll be able to come and catch a fish.
09:43Yeah.
09:44That's unbelievable.
09:45Oh, he's really making some noise now.
09:47Bang.
09:48Got it.
09:48That is unbelievable.
09:49The research of these sophisticated animals is not what Magnus is famous for.
09:54No, in fact, it's their lunch, herring, that made him famous in these parts.
09:57That's a famous herring.
09:58Oh, that's a herring.
09:59Yeah.
09:59This is what a real herring looks like.
10:01That's an ugly one.
10:02Got ugly and good looking ones?
10:03Yeah, this is a good looking herring.
10:04Do you want to talk me through what a good looking fish is?
10:06Now, laugh who you may, but these handsome herring were almost responsible for starting
10:10a war between the Russian and Swedish naval fleet.
10:13Enlisted by the Swedish Navy, Magnus' job was to investigate mysterious sounds suspected
10:18of being Russian submarines in local waters.
10:21Yeah, they were very specific that they thought they were Russian submarines.
10:23But we were all brought together and we were sharing this very secret material from the
10:28military.
10:29And so we would be able to listen to these recordings that no one before had listened to.
10:33And me and my colleague, we just looked at each other and said, well, that sounds very
10:37much like herring farting.
10:38Like herring farts?
10:39Yeah, yeah.
10:42Not Russian submarines, but in fact, they were herring, herring, farting.
10:46Yeah, yeah, they were herring, herring, farting.
10:47I mean, at the time you were doing all this, you would have been sworn to secrecy?
10:51Well, they just told us we would be very, very happy if you don't tell everyone about
10:56this.
10:57And no one believed us, of course.
10:58But then we started to make experiments on that.
11:00And finally, we could show that hearing schools can become incredibly big.
11:04You can really get the whole carpet of sound.
11:08So if you imagine having one billion of those.
11:11Now it may sound silly keeping hearing farts a secret, but the Swedes did have their reasons
11:15for being concerned.
11:161981 is a very important year in Sweden because that's when we had a Russian submarine stranded.
11:22They went on a rock.
11:23And this was a whiskey model submarine.
11:26So it was called the Whiskey on the Rocks.
11:27You had a whole Russian submarine stuck next to the Swedish military base.
11:32And it was not the Swedish military who found out.
11:34It was a fisherman.
11:35You know, they started to think that we have to do something about our surveillance system.
11:39Because it's not that great.
11:41And therefore, they started to make up all these stories.
11:44We can hear something.
11:45There are some bubbles coming up.
11:46There must be some Russians there.
11:48And these stories, during the years, these urban legends became the truth.
11:51This is all great, but the question remains, how do you test the earring fart?
11:55Well, you squeeze it, of course.
11:57This is what it looks like.
12:00You can see the bubbles coming up.
12:02They're not opening there.
12:03And I'm pressing it very gently.
12:04The problem is, if you want to publish this, you have to call it something more fancy than that.
12:08So a friend of mine came up with digital pressure.
12:10Digital pressure.
12:11We used the digits to apply treasure.
12:14We call it applying digital pressure to the fish.
12:17So when we came up with these things, I remember one officer telling us,
12:21well, how can you be so sure there were not a school of hearing
12:24and a Russian submarine there at the same time?
12:28So on one hand, it's great because when they do a fart, it doesn't smell.
12:32But on the other hand, they can almost send you to war with Russia.
12:35That's a bad part of it.
12:36Right.
12:37Okay.
12:37So is it fair enough to say that, you know, the Russians were known as the Reds
12:40and the hearings were the problem?
12:42You could be the creator of the word red herring.
12:44Well, that would be fantastic if I were, but I think maybe, yeah.
12:48I don't know.
12:48Let's go with it.
12:50Coming up, old poo king goes viking.
12:52What are you using when you are going to a toilet?
13:00Now, I'm a little nervous because, believe it or not, I'm going back in time.
13:05A time of peasants, kings and vikings.
13:09I'm on my way to Malmo.
13:16Welcome to Folchaviken.
13:18Or at least I think that's how they say it.
13:20A genuine, state-of-the-art Viking village.
13:26Yes, almost everything in this village is as close to historically accurate as possible.
13:31That is everything except yours truly.
13:33Old Shrek in a potato sack here.
13:35So do I look alright or am I?
13:37Oh, yeah.
13:38You brought yourself in a good knife also.
13:40Yes, I did.
13:41Well, in case we get attacked, I thought I'd better have a knife.
13:46For ten years now, people from all over the world have come here to see, live and stay in the
13:50village.
13:51And as long as they dress and behave themselves and keep their pillaging to a minimum, the king says they
13:56can lobby for free.
13:57Then you have different types of roofs, you can see wooden roofs, you can see straw roofs.
14:01And that is literally just dirt and grass.
14:04Yes, yes.
14:04And it grows and that's the roof.
14:06Yeah.
14:06And do you know how you do the clay?
14:08This, the wall here?
14:09No.
14:09You take sand, straw.
14:11Yeah.
14:11Water.
14:12Yeah.
14:14And cow shit.
14:15Cow shit?
14:16Yes.
14:17Cow shit's the thing, is that?
14:19Cow shit.
14:20Yeah, yeah.
14:20Moo.
14:23No, it's an international language for the word cow shit.
14:27Yes, it's an amazing village.
14:28And you know it even has its own currency.
14:30So, are you a rich man?
14:32Of course, I'm the richest.
14:33You're the richest?
14:34Yes, yes.
14:35I am what we in Sweden call the law man.
14:38I write the laws and I am very important.
14:40Every now and then I can hear coins being made in your kitchen.
14:43Yes, yes.
14:43That's my silversmith, yes.
14:45It's your own silversmith?
14:46Yes.
14:46When I wake up in the morning and say, God lord, I'm poor today.
14:49And then I just go out in the kitchen and say, Olaf, make me ten new silver coins.
14:54And then I became a rich man again.
14:58You like things, my dear friend.
15:00Yes.
15:00And I have a beautiful thing here.
15:03Can you see it?
15:03It's a car.
15:03It's a dragon.
15:05It's a dragon's head there.
15:06Is it a spoon?
15:07Spoon?
15:08Are you crazy?
15:09What are you using when you are going to a toilet and cleaning your bottom?
15:15Is that really what they clean their backs of?
15:17Of course.
15:18Really?
15:19Yes.
15:19It's called a røvpine.
15:22It's a stick that you clean your bottom.
15:25That is for cleaning your backs of?
15:27Yes.
15:27I'm glad you told me that before.
15:29You can't use that as a spoon.
15:31No.
15:32Totally.
15:33No.
15:34Thanks for the heads up on that one.
15:36Can I get it back?
15:37How bizarre.
15:38Wiping your bum with a stick.
15:40If I was living here, they'd need to give me a boat haul.
15:43Now, they're actually in the process of putting together a communal toilet.
15:46It's not finished yet.
15:47But when it is, I'm told as many as 12 at a time can sit together and play pick up
15:52sticks.
15:52Good on them.
15:53Once the sun goes down, the place really comes to life.
15:57I accidentally stumbled across a bit of a neighbourly biffo.
16:00I wonder what's viking for giving me back my lawn mower, you bastard.
16:05Oh, hello.
16:06That's got to be the band with a nice grog in it.
16:08Welcome to the 21st century.
16:12Well, I've lucked out, as they say, because I've stumbled in on a mid-winter celebration.
16:19Yep, they're putting on a big bash for the god of fertility, Freya, celebrating the longest
16:24day of the year.
16:24If we tried to do this in Australia, pass a bowl of beer around, it would last two seconds.
16:29It'd go to three people.
16:30It'd be going like a magic show, but you've got to get back to the king with a little bit
16:33of beer in it.
16:34Well, I hope it gets back to the king with beer in it, or I'm going to be beheaded, or
16:37befruited, or benutted, or something.
16:40I don't know.
16:42Did you know that in England there's a viking museum that has one authentic artefact that
16:46Melmo doesn't have?
16:50Yep, a genuine fossilised viking turd.
16:53Lucky vases.
16:54Now, speaking of turds, there's a company that makes and sells them.
16:57With over 600 on offer, you can choose from Floater, King Pong, Scar Feast, Fuller Shit,
17:03Shit Shit the Fan, Shit the Ripper, Dumb Shit, Lazy Shit, Count Crabula, Holy Shit, Shatman,
17:08and of course, Hannibal Lecter.
17:10And so you like giving a lot of shit to your clients?
17:12Yeah, and they take you.
17:13It's good for business.
17:14They pay money for it.
17:14There you go.
17:15We have to do it, didn't we?
17:16You've got to do it.
17:16The guys are there.
17:17You've got to grab them.
17:19Coming up is my night of nice, the Louie's.
17:22I've met more mayors here than I've met at the Melbourne Cup.
17:30Look at that, it's Big Bill.
17:31Ben.
17:32Ben.
17:32Ben.
17:39Piccadilly Circus in London.
17:41How fantastic is this?
17:42I must admit, I am very excited.
17:44But that's because I've been invited here for the Lou of the Year Awards, or the Louie's
17:49as I like to call them.
17:56Yes, you can have your Tonys, your Oscars, and your Logies, but the Lou of the Year Awards
18:01are the awards that float my boat.
18:03Let me tell you.
18:04How are you doing?
18:05Kenny from Australia.
18:06Kenny Smythe.
18:06How are you going, sir?
18:07I've met more mayors here than I've met at the Melbourne Cup.
18:10I'm from Splashdown in Australia.
18:13Toilet coming.
18:14Pink champagne.
18:15Who'd have thought?
18:15I've never seen anything quite like this, and here I am in my bloody overalls.
18:19I was half expecting a shed full of blokes handing out golden dunny brushes.
18:23But no, this was the real deal.
18:25Well, it's a warm welcome.
18:27We have councillors, we have distinguished guests, and there's a chap called Kenny.
18:31Are you there, Kenny?
18:32Come on up and say hello.
18:34He's come all the way from Australia.
18:36Now, why on earth would you want to come here, Kenny?
18:38Well, this is where our ancestors came from.
18:40I thought I'd come and visit the original home ground.
18:42I didn't have to steal a loaf of bread to get back in, which was fantastic.
18:46One thing I did want to do is just because I'll never get a chance to get this response
18:50again.
18:51Can I just have a cheer if you're an attendant for a toilet?
18:56See, how fantastic is that?
18:57The individual attendant team winner for 2007 is Boundary Lane Chester La Street.
19:04What's it like to be recognised for attendants?
19:08I think it raises our profile.
19:09I mean, everybody uses them.
19:11Everybody has to and appreciates a clean toilet.
19:13The awards are promoted by the British Toilet Association.
19:16And they get as many as 1,500 entries for over 57 categories a year.
19:21It's all designed to improve and encourage better toilet standards.
19:24And good on them.
19:25You got one, mate?
19:26I got four.
19:27I got four.
19:28I want the five next time.
19:29How many have won now?
19:30This is the third lot.
19:31And the overall winner for Public Toilet 2007 is West Wiltshire District Council.
19:38You've won this award, is it ten years in a row?
19:41Is this the day that you look forward to every year?
19:43Of course.
19:44This is the main reason for putting the effort in and the work we do during the year.
19:49There's one trophy left and it's the overall winner of the New of the Year Awards.
19:53The winner for this year is the Trafford Centre of Manchester.
19:58Well done, guys.
19:59I mean, this is the lure of the year, which means that covers everything, doesn't it?
20:02What does it feel like to have this thing?
20:04We got the best one.
20:06What are you going to say?
20:07What a great way to give the humble toilet attendant a bit of glory and thumbs up for
20:11their efforts.
20:12After all, they are the frontline ambassadors for the toilet industry here.
20:15And don't I know it.
20:17And happy toilet team!
20:21Yes, the UK are certainly ahead of the game when it comes to award-winning dunnies.
20:26Just take a look at these beauties.
20:28Here at London's Sketch Bar, they have some of the fanciest loos I've ever laid eyes.
20:33I'm just going to go and play an egg.
20:35But it hasn't always been this way.
20:37In fact, in the streets of Scotland in the 1800s, it was not uncommon to see a mysterious
20:43cloak figure stepping through the fog.
20:45Now, to many Londoners at that time, such an image would have them quaking in their boots.
20:50But for the locals in Edinburgh, it was a sign of welcome relief, let me tell you.
20:54Why wants me for a bobby?
20:57You little ripper.
20:58Over here, tiger.
21:00Thanks, matey.
21:03Oh!
21:04It's very dark in here.
21:05But very pleasant.
21:09Amazing grace of sweetheart.
21:14Oh!
21:14Sorry, Toby.
21:15That'll be the haggis.
21:18You know, blokes no longer need to pop out on the street to find a place to pee.
21:22In the west end of London, there's a pop-up pier that pops up here.
21:36Now, I've only been in London a very short while, and I've got to admit, my head's pretty
21:40much already spinning.
21:41But just when I thought I knew everything there was to know about down under toilets, I found
21:47this thing.
21:47A pop-up toilet.
21:49It's the house of the rising number ones.
21:53Come on!
21:54Pickaloo!
21:57Well, folks, that's it for now.
21:59Join us next time when we go to the land of sacred cows, spicy drivers, and the world
22:05toilet summers.
22:10I'm a plumber, not a prime minister.
22:11This is unbelievable.
22:12So, take care, be good to yourselves, and hey, give a stranger a smile, eh?
22:16Good on yous.
22:19I've got to ask, the Queen, like all of us, we know she'd have to do it, but you think
22:23scruncher
22:23or a folder?
22:24No, the Queen doesn't have a bottom.
22:25She doesn't go.
22:26She doesn't have a bottom?
22:27No, no.
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