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00:04G'day folks it's Kenny Smythe here. Now I know what you're thinking. What's your ugly
00:09muck doing on me zombie box? Well some jokers in TV land reckon I know a thing or two about
00:14dunnies and when the idea of celebrating the UN year of sanitation popped into the scones,
00:19guess I got a lot with the job of hosting the show. So come and explore the septic
00:23wonders of the world with me. Welcome to my world, Kenny's world.
00:49G'day folks welcome to munich germany you know for most of the year tourists come here to enjoy and
00:55soak up the scenery, the culture and the arse. Unless of course it's September. What happens
01:01in September I hear you ask? Octoberfest happens in September. Yep nothing like an early start to one
01:08of the world's oldest and largest festivals and knowing I don't have to pump out a single
01:12crapper here means I'm going to enjoy every second of it. Look at that!
01:18The festival started way back in 1810 to celebrate the marriage of King Woodwick the first to his
01:23Princess Therese. Must have been a cracker of a wedding because the after party lasted 200 years.
01:28I don't care how old you are when you see a ferris wheel as big as this it's still exciting.
01:34To give you an idea of how big the Octoberfest is it's spread over 31 hectares and in one day
01:39they
01:40can have up to 650,000 people here. It's like five times the size of the Melbourne Cup. Now that's
01:46a
01:46pretty big event. We love Octoberfest! And why do they love us? Well it aimed for the rides in the
01:52fairy floss let me tell you. How fantastic is this hey? Here we are at the Sutton Hamilton tent. Now
02:00this
02:01is the oldest tent at all of Octoberfest. As a matter of fact the actual whole Octoberfest starts
02:07right here every year. The mayor comes here and he taps the first barrel of beer. This year how many
02:15taps did the mayor take? This year it was three. Is that good? Yeah it's very good. Last year he
02:21had
02:21two. I don't think there will be anyone better than that. How would you be if you had a mayor
02:25that took
02:26like 200? He'll never be re-elected. Yes it's a dunny man's paradise here. The level of food and drink
02:32consumption at this festival is massive. It's off its cost. And knowing there's another 13
02:37tents as big as this one just blows my bloody mind. The sheer numbers are amazing. The festival's six
02:45million visitors create around a thousand tons of refuse annually. There's 144,000 sausages, over 100
02:53oxen. 4,000 chickens a day totaling half a million overall. There's 1,600 waitresses handing out
03:01something like six million litres of beer. And remember that all has to go somewhere. I've got to be
03:08honest if you're giving that much to the people it's got to go somewhere. Yeah. Are they going to the
03:13toilet a
03:13little bit? I guess so but some people don't manage the way to the toilet so some people just go
03:18around
03:19here. I think it's not too bad for the guys because they can use the toilet everywhere. Yes well hearing
03:25that I thought I ought to use the pisshort. Foolishly I asked one too many questions about the local dress
03:30and so the organisers did me what they thought was a favour. Oh boy. Okay so uh apparently uh this
03:40is
03:40going to help me uh blend in. Let's see how this works. Blend in? Turns out every Aussie in Europe
03:48is at this festival.
03:52So much for the disguise. You don't have to go far to find an Aussie having a drink.
04:05There's got to be an Aussie. Let's get in!
04:15Ah Guten Tag. Or Gesundheit. Or whatever's German for hangover. I'm about to board Thomas the Tank Engine here and
04:23head for Cologne.
04:24The city of smells. Both good and bad.
04:29You know travelling by train is a nice change from the old sky trams let me tell you. Sitting back
04:35sipping on a bit of hot choccy enjoying the gentle clickety clack of the carriages. Although it wasn't
04:41long ago when the clickety clacks were followed by the splat of passengers crap being dumped on the tracks.
04:46But thanks to an onboard septic system those days are behind us. You may be surprised to know that many
04:53planes also used to dump their passengers waste out into the freezing atmosphere.
04:59But I bet you're not as surprised as those who used to live under the plane's flight path. Hello.
05:16Coming up I go down to sniff out the smells, sights and sounds of Cologne.
05:25Cologne. Home of the famous 4711 Cologne. And if there was such a thing as a plumber's discount,
05:32I'd gargle the stuff. And trust me, knowing where I was heading, it wouldn't go astray.
05:41Now what we're in at the moment is a Roman and it's a very small sewer. What was a Roman
05:47sewer,
05:47it isn't now. And what you were hearing in the background is chamber music.
06:01You can't tell me that rehearsal space is so hard to find that you have to actually
06:06play or rehearse in sewers. Well, it is not easy to find rehearsal space in Cologne,
06:10but it's not so difficult. And seven years ago, I happened to meet a manager and he had this strange
06:17idea to present classical music in the underground and to show up the enormous contradiction between
06:22high art and what man leaves behind. I've heard that Germans are into underground music,
06:28but this is ridiculous. I can barely get people to listen to my job description,
06:31let alone get them to come into a sewer to listen to music. A lot of people said,
06:35in the sewer, are you mad? And other people said, well, cool. Does it smell bad down the sewer
06:41where you normally play? It smells very soily, very, do you say that? Very, very, very special,
06:47very special. Smelling there, very strange. What we have for all our guests, we have peppermint,
06:54and they sit there. The sewer where the performances are usually held is called the Chandelier Hall,
06:59named after the chandelier that has hung there since the sewer was built over 120 years ago
07:05to impress Prussian emperor Wilhelm II. But he didn't come, it's a little story.
07:11Because they had a quarrel, the municipal of Cologne, and the emperor had a quarrel,
07:18I don't know why. He said, okay, I don't come, Cologne. Are you the only people that you're aware of
07:22playing chamber music in a sewer? If you are playing music in a sewer somewhere,
07:29please let us know. Gerhard and Mark here would like to know who else out there is doing it.
07:33Exactly.
07:38When it was finally time to come up for air, it was nice. And I found myself slap bang in
07:43the middle of
07:44a festival. And what German festival would be complete with our clockwork toys, deep fried fritters,
07:50cheese, and bummerangs. Yes, bummerangs. Maybe when they come back you don't catch them with your hands.
07:55Who knows? I was too terrified to ask.
08:05Moscow, Russia. It's freezing, it's dark, and my driver can't speak a word of English.
08:12Not that I can blame him. It seems there's nothing here in English.
08:17What is it? But you've got to give this bloke 10 points for trying.
08:20Today is a shopping park. Cosmonaut. Now there's a word I understand.
08:28Why? Because by tomorrow night I'll practically be one. You know, growing up my favourite subject
08:35was outer space. And one of my greatest fears was Russia. But of course they were probably as afraid
08:40of us as we were of them. And I had nothing to worry about. Or did I? Dear guests, in
08:45case of
08:45emergency, please use this gas mask. Gas mask or not, nothing was going to dampen my excitement
08:52about tomorrow. I'm more interested in space races than I am in cold wars. But did you know the first
08:57spaceman was neither Russian nor American? Yes, that's right. Way back in the 16th century in China,
09:04there was this so-called genius who reckoned he'd cracked the formula to space travel. And so one fine
09:10evening this genius went out into a paddock with a bucket load of servants, two kites, a very ornate
09:16carved chair, and 47 gunpowder rockets. So after a few choice I'll be seeing yous, the fuses were lit.
09:25And so the world scores its first astro at north. And the name of our genius? One who? As in
09:34five,
09:35four, three, two, one. Whoo! Coming up, watch our big man try and squeeze into a small man's
09:44spacesuit. Mission impossible. That's minus six off, don't I? They said it'd be a little bit cold.
09:52I think they lied about the little bit. They were bang on about the cold, the little bit, lie. Just
09:56when
09:56I thought my nose was about to drop off from frostbite, my jaw dropped. Olga here is hardly a
10:01standard army issue. How long a trip is it? Actually it depends on traffic. Is this good
10:06traffic or bad traffic? So-so. So-so. Such a strange place. The trees seem to be spitting out people.
10:24We're on our way to Star City. It's Russia's answer to NASA. I've been told it's a military base and
10:30I
10:30need to pay strict attention to the rules. And judging from the worried looks around here,
10:34they mean it. As old as these buildings look, they are dripping in space history.
10:42Yet Yuri Gagarin himself trained here. And he was the first human to enter space and orbit the Earth in
10:481961.
10:51As a hero of the Soviet Union, he was welcomed back in true Russian style. Since then there is much
10:56more
10:56than just a lone cosmonaut in a tiny rocket. Nowadays, teams of space travellers circle the
11:02Earth in space stations. Space. The final frontier. And say hello to Mir, the 8th Russian space station.
11:11Unbelievable. What must it have been like, eh? To be honest, I'd shit myself. And in a way, that's part
11:18of the reason why I'm here. This is every kid's dream. You know, not only do they have the Mir
11:23space
11:23station, they've got an exact replica of the space lamp that's orbiting the Earth as we speak. And guess
11:29what? Old chubby pooshoos gets a first-hand goosey gander. Here we are. It's quite big. Yeah. The thickness
11:37of the whole is approximately two millimeters. Two millimeters, yes. But you could almost poke your
11:43finger through it. Amazing to think that something as thick as a cornflakes packet can float around the
11:48Earth. Actually, there is very few weak and vulnerable places. Well, that's a relief to find
11:54out. Only a couple of weak spots. Now, I'd be trying to bag the window seat, but it does come
12:03at a risk.
12:04So if you look for too long at the window, I could burn my eyes? Yes, sir. Okay, so that's
12:09how you cook
12:09yourself. And on this weird-looking thing is how you cook your dinner. There's so much food in space
12:14that they have to finish the food from the previous crew. Right. And not to start their ones. Not if
12:19I
12:19was here. There is equipment for everything here. The only thing that is missing is a girlfriend.
12:25Excellent. Well, this is the most important. I think we know that. The toilet. And did you know
12:32it's the only bit of wood on board the station? Let's go in. Yeah, no worries. So push this one
12:37up.
12:38Right. You know, the fellas seem to love talking dunnies as much as I do. So this is for urinating
12:43in?
12:43Yeah. Right. And you whack your number in there. Quite simply, it works like a vacuum cleaner.
12:50That'd make you go to the toilet whether you want to or not. Okay, so that takes care of one
12:57end.
12:57This is for your number twos. A little bag there with elastic around it. If you look very
13:01carefully in the bottom, you'll see these little holes. And what that does is two things. Number
13:05one, it allows the vacuum to pull through the bag because it's a vacuum that runs constantly
13:09because there's no gravity. And number two, it also gets some of the moisture or liquid
13:13out of there as well if there's some in there. And there's one of the bags already installed.
13:17That's the bag there. The lid goes down and I'll show you what happens. You sit down on the toilet.
13:21You've got to hook your feet under there so you stay on the bowl. There's a hand bar here. So
13:26you've got to
13:26bring underneath here. That there goes on Harry. And away you go. If you want to have a go at
13:31going
13:31to the toilet like a cosmonaut or an astronaut, go home and do it on your vacuum cleaner. Second
13:37thoughts don't do that. That's some crazy idea. Anyway, we'll see you later. You know, I've met
13:43some great people in my life, but having dinner with Yuri Yashachev, a cosmonauter who spent over 600
13:48days in space, it's unbelievable. If you went through all of your memories of being in space,
13:54what is your favourite memory? It was from space. It's amazing. It's huge. It's very beautiful.
14:01Yes, unbelievable. Beautiful indeed. But what about their speed? Our speed round,
14:06it's 8 kilometres per second. It's about 25 something miles per hour. Bloody Nora. That means you
14:13could get from London to Paris in the 40 seconds that it takes to have a spacecraft. Going to the
14:18toilet. Is that a difficult thing on a spaceship? Most of the time you're doing the weightless.
14:23It's much easier. You can fly. You can take any position. It's very easy to use. You know, most of
14:28the space do-doos and the onboard rubbish is placed in a separate craft, which is designed to burn up
14:34on re-entry. Sounds like a perfect job for Splashdown, if you ask me. During re-entry, it will burn
14:40and
14:40everything will be destroyed by molecular. That's why it's a clean process. When people are sitting on Earth
14:45and they look up into space and they see what looks like a shooting star, chances are it's
14:49your rubbish and someone else's toilet weight. Now, of course, none of this space dunny business
14:55would exist without food or drink. And like airline food, I'm sure you'd expect space food to taste
15:00shocking. Now, this lady's been preparing space food for cosmonauts for over 15 years,
15:06but some told me she wasn't as stoked about preparing food for a juggernaut.
15:10Now, I've got to confess, I wasn't looking forward much to it myself. That wasn't until I started
15:15tasting it. Space food, as it turns out, is very tasty. I'm going to give that a seven.
15:21Oh, that's bread. It's Barbie doll bread. That's the smallest bread I've seen.
15:24You like it? Mmm. Oh, chicken and a white sauce. This is, of course, all in the name of science.
15:33That's a pretty spicy space soup. Nine. Do you feel like a real cosmonaut?
15:41No. Not yet? Not yet.
15:46She's a lovely lady. She's been doing all the hard work while we sit here and eat. Oh, well.
15:52Yes, I think I could quite easily get used to space food, even with Madame Giggle's service.
15:58Science. But food's not the only thing you've got to know about when you're going into space.
16:02What about $100,000 worth of space suit you've got to wear?
16:05Toast. Toast. Keep up.
16:06Does any toast pop out, or can you get vodka out of here?
16:11Yeah. And now, do you want to look, to have a look at $1 million?
16:15Just a million dollars cash? Yes, it's $1 million.
16:18Looks like we're going to meet the Wizard of Oz here. Have a look at this. A million dollars
16:22worth of space suits laying around on $500 worth of wooden shelves and tables.
16:26I can't imagine it to be like this at NASA. But then again, while the Yanks were busy polishing
16:31their vacuum-sealed lockers, this mob went into space.
16:34They'll try to find a special one for you.
16:36For me? Yes.
16:37They're going to lend me a hundred grand worth of suits?
16:39Special underpants. What are they thinking?
16:41What are they thinking?
16:51That's my collarbone. That's gone.
16:55This reminds me of when I saw my son get born.
16:57Oh no, this fish is perfect.
16:59It glows wind right up in time.
17:02Apparently, when the cosmonauts wear these suits, they're very, very comfortable.
17:06Can't see of itself. Hello Moscow, do you read me?
17:09If you're getting this message, Moscow, I need about another four inches of space suit.
17:18If you wanted to do a number one's in one of these suits, you have to undo that knot.
17:23And there's that funnel. So it's only number one's you can do out of the suit.
17:26If it's number two, that's a whole nother story.
17:30I'll go on his hand luggage.
17:35And the action will sit like this for two hours.
17:37Two hours? God, I'm struggling to last two minutes.
17:42Oh, wonderful. Olga's full of great ideas. Is this the eject button? And it doesn't work.
17:55Now, Olga may have got some pleasure watching me squash into a space suit,
17:58but she had a whole other kind of uncomfortable waiting for me here.
18:01Oh, it's one of those things that spins around.
18:03It's a centrifuge. It's the biggest centrifuge in the world.
18:06In the world? Yes.
18:08Will you try it? What?
18:10Will you try it? Would you like to try this?
18:12Get in it? Yes.
18:14I'm not an astronaut, I'm a plumber. I think you should. It's amazing.
18:18Would it impress you? Ah, yes.
18:21Oh, well, I'll do it.
18:23Isn't it weird in life how sometimes you just agree to things without really thinking?
18:28Centrifuge. What have I said yesterday?
18:31God knows how far Satan's washing machine here goes, but what I do know is it's designed to
18:35simulate the horror of being shot into space by one of these buggers. Oh, boy.
18:41And apparently you can't go on one of these things unless you go through a few tests first.
18:46If he's open, I fail.
18:48Is it?
18:51No pain? No.
18:53Oh, oh, oh.
18:56It's the same song I did at the Italian temple, I think.
18:59What is your regular blood pressure?
19:01I wouldn't know.
19:03Because now you have and it's hard.
19:07I think I saw this in the film One Flew Over the Cooker's Nest.
19:11I'm going to know what happens next.
19:13If a big Indian comes in and offers me juicy fruit, I'm in trouble.
19:18And now I've got six nipples.
19:28Still not happy, they sent me off to Igle here.
19:30It was kind of a cross between a doctor and a panel beater.
19:46Houston, you have a problem.
19:48Right.
19:51It's to get serious for him.
19:56There we go.
19:59Yeah, very comfortable.
20:01But I doubt I'll go to sleep.
20:03So tell me, do you hear the lambs, Clarisse?
20:07I'm sure I've had an opportunity to thank you for this idea, Olga.
20:10I was thinking maybe 45 minutes on 180 to work for Roche B.
20:15Now, I've had some great ideas in my life, but clearly this is not one of them.
20:28What the hell am I doing?
20:33What the hell am I doing?
20:40I feel it's starting to move now.
20:44Two sheets.
20:48Three sheets.
20:49How do you feel?
20:50Yeah, I feel good.
20:51I think she's going to turn a fire into a bird.
20:55Okay.
20:56There you go.
20:57All right.
21:03Here you go.
21:03Let's go.
21:15Let's go.
21:17Now I'm ready for the release.
21:19Yeah.
21:22Congratulations.
21:23How do you feel?
21:24How do you feel?
21:25Yeah, it's, uh, uh, it's good.
21:27I'm good.
21:31That's one baked cookie.
21:35You know, at first I thought all Russians looked like they'd just been given some bad news.
21:40And if they were happy, they'd just forgotten to tell their face about it.
21:43But let's face it, if they didn't take things so seriously, maybe Yuri Gagarin here might not
21:48have been the first man into space. You know, the Russians I've met might not have smiled a lot,
21:52but when they did, it was like watching an eclipse. It was brief, but most definitely
21:57wonderful. Good on you, Russia. I've had a ball. Well, folks, that's it for now. Join me next time
22:07when I do a few laps of Lapland, get attacked by Vikings, and see what's great in Great Britain.
22:12Cow shit.
22:13Cow shit.
22:14Cow, moo.
22:16Yeah. No, it's an international language.
22:17Yeah, it's cow shit.
22:18So take care, be good to yourselves, and hey, give a stranger a smile, eh? Good on you.
22:25It's very hard to explain why, because it's a family show, but every time I push my left
22:30leg out like this, it makes my left eye shut.
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