- 4 months ago
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00:00Are you fucking deaf?
00:07I said, are you fucking deaf?
00:09If you are, then you may be thinking of investing in a digital hearing aid.
00:14Audio clear hearing aids are discreet.
00:17And is this for real?
00:19What's up, Stephen?
00:20Well, there's swearing in this advert.
00:22All kinds of effing and jeffing.
00:24Are you really allowed to broadcast this on the radio?
00:26I mean, even Channel 4 doesn't have swearing in their adverts.
00:29Anything goes these days.
00:30It's the 21st century, my friend.
00:32Oh, God, yeah.
00:33No taboos left anywhere anymore.
00:35Okay, let's crack on.
00:36Actually, I've got to go.
00:37So I'll see you next week, Stephen, yeah?
00:44What the blazes is this ritual?
00:56Where's that clown off to?
00:57Went to see his therapist.
00:58His therapist?
00:59Ha!
01:00That doesn't surprise me.
01:01Danny's considering a sex change operation.
01:03A sex change operation?
01:04Yeah, it's mostly because he thinks his clothes will suit him better if he's a woman.
01:07It's just something he's been mulling over for a while.
01:10Talking to a therapist about it.
01:12Well, I've heard everything.
01:13Sex change operation, swearing in adverts.
01:16These really are the last days of Sodom.
01:19Try that line again there, Stephen.
01:21Yeah.
01:22Audio clear hearing aids are discreet and fit snugly into the ear.
01:27Check out our website today for details.
01:30How the fuck was that?
01:32Nuts.
01:33Do you remember?
01:34That musical you did about the...
01:36the horrors of mental illness?
01:37Yeah.
01:38Probably the worst.
01:39Yeah.
01:40Yeah.
01:41Yeah.
01:42Yeah.
01:43Yeah.
01:44Yeah.
01:45Yeah.
01:46Probably the worst production I've ever been in.
01:47Yes.
01:48You've been in more than your fair share of bad productions.
01:49Yeah.
01:50Ray Purchase was in that.
01:51Played an out-of-control skill.
01:52I've never been in that.
01:53Yeah.
01:54Yeah.
01:55Yeah.
01:56Yeah.
01:57Yeah.
01:58Yeah.
01:59Yeah.
02:00Yeah.
02:01Yeah.
02:02Yeah.
02:03Yeah.
02:04Yeah.
02:05Yeah.
02:06Yeah.
02:07Yeah.
02:08Yeah.
02:09Yeah.
02:10Yeah.
02:11Yeah.
02:12Yeah.
02:13Yeah.
02:14I've never been in that.
02:15Played an out-of-control schizophrenic called Magpie and used that as an excuse to pinch everyone's
02:20fags.
02:21And I swore I'd never work with him again.
02:23Yes.
02:24Do you remember you opened the trap door on stage and he fell right through?
02:28Yes, he did.
02:29I will make my nest.
02:31I will be happy.
02:33People told me he had broken his back.
02:40No, he hadn't.
02:41Just his arm and his collarbone.
02:43Yes.
02:46Anyway, while I'm here, any news on my Dickie Davis biopic audition?
02:51Dickie Davis... audition...
02:54That was a no.
02:56A no? How can it be a no, Jane? I look exactly like him.
03:00Ooh, now this is really big news.
03:02The Royal Variety Performance people have been on,
03:05they'd like you to take part this year
03:07in the newly reopened Regency Theatre.
03:10Isn't that now a chicken paradise?
03:13Yes, it was in a dreadful state.
03:15But then a lot of showbiz folk got together to buy it back and refurbish it.
03:20I'm not doing the Royal Variety Performance, Jane.
03:23All charity work is a complete waste of time and money
03:26and usually does more harm than good.
03:28Remember Live Aid?
03:29They'd like you to perform the amazing Egyptian sand dance
03:34made famous in the 1930s.
03:36The bloody sand dance? I've not done that for years.
03:40Hold on a second.
03:42You need two performers for that routine.
03:44Yes, so I suggested, um...
03:47Well, Ray bloody Purchase!
03:49I told you two seconds ago I never wanted to work with him again.
03:52Did you?
03:53Well, maybe not two seconds, but certainly in the very recent past...
03:57OK, OK.
03:58I shall demand they don't ask Ray Purchase to perform with you.
04:01That'll be an absolute non-starter.
04:03I'm not doing any charity work, Jane, for anyone, ever.
04:07Oh, here's the thing.
04:09Kevin Spacey will be there.
04:11Who?
04:12Kevin Spacey.
04:13Major actor, director and big player in Hollywood.
04:17He's become very immersed in the whole London scene.
04:21Rumour has it he's looking for someone to play the British attache
04:24in the new series of the House of Cards.
04:27I'll do it.
04:28This charity event, count me in.
04:30You've changed your tune, Toast, all a waste of time and money a second ago.
04:34Obviously I know who Kevin Spacey is.
04:36I just said who to give me some time to think about the offer.
04:39British attache.
04:41Yes, yes, House of Cards.
04:44I'll be splendid in that.
04:46Ever seen it?
04:47No.
04:48Anyway, who's presenting at this Royal Variety performance?
04:53Bob Monk has.
04:54Isn't he dead?
04:56No!
04:57Why does everybody say that?
04:59Bob is very much alive.
05:01He just got remarried, in fact.
05:03Apparently his new wife's a complete zombie.
05:05Anyway, I'll tell them you're on board.
05:08India, Royal Variety, patch me through.
05:12I hate the Royal Variety performance,
05:15but if Kevin Spacey sees me in it,
05:17he's bound to cast me as the British attache
05:19in the new series of House of Cards.
05:23Sorry, Toast.
05:24I was just reading a review of the revival
05:26of the government inspector at the Lyric.
05:29It's not very good.
05:31I was saying, I mean, I hate the Royal Variety performance,
05:35but if Kevin Spacey sees me in it,
05:37he's bound to cast me as the British attache.
05:41Sorry, Toast.
05:42I was just reading a review of the revival of Abigail's party
05:45at the Young Vic.
05:47Not very good.
05:49I was saying, I hate the Royal Variety performance,
05:52but if...
05:53Hang on, old chap. I was reading that.
06:03Who the hell is that?
06:04That'll be for me.
06:05Here's your magazine's edge.
06:16What is it, Ed?
06:17Some copies of Woman's Realm.
06:19Woman's Realm?
06:20I didn't think that was still going.
06:22It isn't.
06:23These are vintage copies.
06:24It's very hard to find.
06:25I'm a bit of a collector.
06:27Well, isn't it just knitting patterns for old ladies?
06:30Oh, yes.
06:31Oh, God.
06:32Who delivered them?
06:33John Nettles?
06:34No, he does titbits.
06:35This is a chap called Larry Muggins.
06:37Anything you want, he can find.
06:38Probably at a discount price.
06:39Really?
06:40Oh, yes.
06:41Anything from a rare edition of a Ken Follett novel
06:44to a sex change operation.
06:46Sex change operation?
06:47Oh, yes.
06:48Well, that idiot Danny Bear at Scramble Studios
06:51was talking about getting a sex change operation.
06:53Reckon it would suit his clothes.
06:55Oh, this chap Muggins can probably organise it for him.
06:58And there's likely to be a queue for the op at the NHS.
07:00I can put in a word, if you like.
07:02Well, you know, why not?
07:03It's Noah's to me.
07:05So, who's hosting the Royal Variety performance this year?
07:08Bob Monkhouse.
07:10Thanks for coming, old chap.
07:12With a name like Toast, I thought you'd pop up.
07:15Glad you decided to become involved.
07:18Jane said you don't usually do any charity work.
07:21Not true at all.
07:23You're thinking of Dickie Davis.
07:25Weather's been very warm, hasn't it?
07:27Especially at nights.
07:29These days, I love to sleep in the nude.
07:31Not a bad thing.
07:32Except, of course, on those really long flights.
07:37What?
07:38Anyway, meet the organising committee before we go down to the theatre.
07:41Hello, Dennis Fogg.
07:42Dense Fogg?
07:43No, Dennis Fogg.
07:44Sorry, nice to meet you.
07:45Hello, Derek Buildings.
07:47Derelict Buildings?
07:48No, Derek Buildings.
07:50Sorry, nice to meet you.
07:51Hello, Shane Falorgy.
07:53Shane Falorgy?
07:54Shane Falorgy.
07:55Sorry, nice to meet you.
07:57I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
08:01But when I got home, all the signs were there.
08:04Anyway, I just want to say how it warms my heart that so many top turns are willing to give their time to charity.
08:12Ray.
08:15Ray bloody purchase.
08:17Well, well, well.
08:19If it isn't Stephen toast.
08:21Tell us more about your substantial charity work, toast.
08:24I'd love to hear about it.
08:26I specifically told Jane I never wanted to work with you again.
08:30Well, tough, tit, toast.
08:33Stephen toast, everyone.
08:35Buy your pint with one hand and sleep with your wife with the other.
08:38Why don't you shut up and sit down?
08:40Here's the thing I've noticed.
08:42People seem to think I come from Kent.
08:44I hear them mutter the word as I walk past.
08:47What?
08:48I'm really looking forward to this.
08:50You know Kevin Spacey's going to be there.
08:51I didn't know that.
08:52Yes, you did.
08:53I know for a fact that Jane Clough told you about it.
08:56She texted me.
08:57She emailed me.
08:58She wrote me a postcard.
08:59She told me in my face that she definitely, definitely told you about it.
09:02Did she?
09:03Well, I must have forgotten.
09:05And we've just heard this morning that Prince Charles and his delightful wife, Camilla Parker Bowles, are also coming along.
09:12Now, I think it would be a terrific idea to present them with a souvenir of the occasion.
09:16Who wants to look after that?
09:18I think Toast should be in charge of securing the gift for the royal couple.
09:23Really?
09:24Yes, great idea.
09:26Talking of royals, do you know what happened during Kate Middleton's wedding night?
09:31No.
09:32She was held against a will.
09:35What?
09:36Gosh, is that the time?
09:37We need to get down to the stage to rehearse.
09:39Right, chaps.
09:40We'll take the lift.
09:41There's too many stairs.
09:42Come along, darling.
09:44Hello, darling?
09:47SIREN
09:51Oh, sorry.
09:52I could look for it.
09:53There's too many stairs, my arm.
09:54So long as it's gone.
09:55I could look for the stairs.
09:56Well, we have to go.
09:57Oh, God.
09:58Let's go, darling.
09:59Okay, I could look for a mile, darling.
10:01All right.
10:03I could look for a mile.
10:05Hello, darling.
10:07I could look for a mile, darling.
10:08Toast.
10:09Toast.
10:10Toast.
10:11Sorry, Mrs. P.
10:19I can't get Bob Monkhouse's zombie wife's face out of my head.
10:23I thought Bob Monkhouse was dead.
10:25No, he's very much alive, as is his wife.
10:29Well, technically, she's dead.
10:31Living dead, surely.
10:33Anyway, Monkhouse did a very strange thing.
10:37He kept telling these stories that were unconnected to anything.
10:41And then everyone would laugh?
10:42Yeah, probably jokes.
10:45Jokes?
10:46Yes, Monkhouse is famous for telling jokes all the time.
10:52What are you doing, Mrs. P.?
10:53It's my new job.
10:55You've got a job?
10:57What the hell is it?
10:59Operating drones for the US military.
11:01Really?
11:02Yes.
11:03It is perfect for me, actually, because I can work from home.
11:05You know, depending on how many missiles I launch,
11:08I can earn up to 30 quid a day.
11:11Drones for the US military.
11:13Mm-hmm.
11:14Oh, I'd better get that.
11:15Do you want to go?
11:16Very easy.
11:17You just move this cursor,
11:19then when you select your target,
11:20you press this key here.
11:22All right.
11:22Oh, and only blow up the houses on the left-hand side of the road,
11:27not the houses on the right.
11:28Gotcha.
11:31Direct hit.
11:34And another.
11:35I'm very good at this, if I don't mind saying.
11:39Hope there was nobody home.
11:42Having fun.
11:43Yes, it's quite addictive, isn't it?
11:44Mm.
11:45Hmm.
11:47Oh.
11:48What?
11:49Did I say blow up the houses on the left-hand side?
11:52Yes.
11:53I meant the houses on the right.
11:55Well, I've blown a hell of a lot up on the left.
12:00Oh.
12:01Well, it'll probably be fine.
12:03I imagine no-one will notice.
12:04Which one of you lads is looking for a sex change?
12:13You, is it?
12:14No, it's me, actually.
12:16What's your budget?
12:18How much do you want to spend on it?
12:19Well, it's quite serious, a sex change operation.
12:22I mean, it's not really the type of thing you can cut corners on.
12:23So what are you looking at?
12:25Well, I got a quote from an established specialist surgeon,
12:28£4,000.
12:30Jesus.
12:31£4,000 for a sex change?
12:32Shall I do more or less the same thing for 50 quid?
12:3550 quid?
12:36All I need is a level surface and a bucket for drainage.
12:39And I'll try in for free disposal of body parts.
12:42Right.
12:42Well, as I say, it's quite a big operation,
12:44so I'm going to need to know everything's all about board.
12:46There's a full guarantee going with it.
12:47Oh.
12:4850 quid, no hidden charges.
12:50Honestly, you'd be mad to spend £4,000 on a sex change.
12:53All those twisters on Harley Street,
12:55ripping off naive transgenders.
12:58For that amount of cash, we could change into a lama.
13:00Are you serious?
13:00A full sex change operation?
13:02For 50 quid?
13:04Yeah.
13:05Unless you want to be at a vet in Topford.
13:10All right.
13:11Okay.
13:12Yes.
13:13Hope I don't live to regret this.
13:16Can we start now?
13:23How are you feeling, Danny?
13:24I'm a bit nervous, to be honest.
13:26You never had a sex change operation before, huh?
13:28Uh, no.
13:29You've nothing to worry about.
13:30So, what's in this plastic bag?
13:37A pair of tits.
13:38Ah, this is very interesting.
13:41What are you doing here?
13:42I'm the intermediary, Larry.
13:44Instrumental in bringing both parties together.
13:46You don't mind if I stay and watch, do you?
13:48And you'll cast your tenner.
13:49Okay.
13:53Look, I'm really not sure about all this.
13:54Having cold feet, are you, Danny?
13:55Well, you should have said something before now.
13:57Instead of leaving it to mugging, say to sort out.
13:59Do you know what?
13:59I think I'm going to give it a miss.
14:00What?
14:01The operation.
14:01I think I'm going to give it a miss.
14:02Is it because you don't want to lose the moustache?
14:05Well, you could probably keep that.
14:06That Eurovision winner looked great.
14:07She had a full beard.
14:10Sorry, do you know what?
14:10I've changed my mind.
14:11I went for a budget option,
14:12and I really should have gone through
14:13a more traditional medical route,
14:15like with a proper surgeon in a hospital.
14:18Well, it's no skin off my nose,
14:20but I'm going to have to keep to 50 squid.
14:21Yep, okay, fine.
14:22You can keep to pair of tits.
14:23I don't think I'm going to need them now.
14:24Uh, can I have them?
14:42Enjoying yourself, Ed?
14:45Yes.
14:47Yes.
14:48So, the Royal Variety performance, sir.
14:51I'm looking forward to it, and I'll tune in.
14:52Are you nervous?
14:53Nah, who cares?
14:54It's a charity event.
14:56All I know is that when Kevin Spacey sees my sand dance,
14:59he'll be so impressed,
15:00he's bound to offer me the House of Cards attache.
15:03Oh, best of luck with that.
15:04Downside is, I have to share the stage
15:06with Ray Bloody Purchase again.
15:08Well, I hope he doesn't fall through the trapdoor this time.
15:11Yes.
15:11Did you manage to look at those plastic tits?
15:14Yes.
15:15Yes, I did.
15:17You see,
15:18I don't know how muggins would have grafted these
15:20onto your friend without a severe risk of blood poisoning.
15:23Paul Gascoigne used to wear these,
15:24the whole time.
15:25It's very disappointing.
15:28What the hell were you expecting?
15:30Oh, I don't know.
15:31Something a bit less tacky.
15:32Something a bit more, you know,
15:34va-va-voom.
15:36You are very peculiar, Ed.
15:38You can have them if you want.
15:39I don't want them.
15:42Unless...
15:42Unless what?
15:45Well, Tom Jones has just been added to the bill
15:47at the Royal Variety performance.
15:49A pair of plastic tits may be just the kind of thing he'd like.
15:52Yes, good thinking.
15:54Tom Jones would love a pair of comedy plastic tits.
15:56I think he would.
15:58Right, I'm off.
16:00If I were you, I'd find another lodger.
16:02As I say, goodbye, Ed.
16:05Hello, house of cats.
16:06You're so diluted, toast, it makes me sad.
16:13You'll never get the break that you want so bad.
16:18What?
16:21How dare you, my friend, pity me
16:31When I know I'm a joke
16:35I'll suffer score
16:38And I'll wear this crown of thorns
16:43It is clear
16:46That I'll die
16:50Having lived inside a lie
16:55It's true
16:56Look, toast.
17:03You need to bring your egg into the table.
17:05We're not doing the conga or the agadu.
17:08This is the sand dance.
17:09There's a hundred years of musical history
17:11and I'm not going to let you piss about with it.
17:13Who cares?
17:15Who cares?
17:17I care.
17:20Monkhouse cares!
17:21Well, I think your sand dance is going to be sensational, chaps.
17:24The old ones really are the best.
17:26Talking of old ones, fellas
17:27Do you know I still enjoy sex at 74?
17:30I live at 76. It's no distance.
17:35What?
17:43Are we going to die?
17:45Some of us are fine as I first saw
17:46in Boston
17:47Are we going to die?
17:48Some of you.
17:49Yeah, we love you.
17:50Only.
17:52Oh, well there.
17:53Also, we're fantastic.
18:02I'm going to die.
18:03So glad.
18:04Go to your glass of usually
18:05Come on.
18:05Let's go.
18:06Do you want to die?
18:06Okay.
18:07I love you.
18:07I love you.
18:08Oh, well there.
18:08Like you.
18:09I love you.
18:09Except for your steak or something.
19:14Just marvellous.
19:16The terrific red purchase there and Stephen Toast.
19:19Now we're very lucky to welcome some very special guests here tonight.
19:22His Royal Highness, the Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall.
19:25What did you get Charles and Camilla?
19:30What?
19:31What did you get Charles and Camilla?
19:33You were supposed to get them the gift, remember?
19:35Oh, shit.
19:37Captain, you bloody idiot.
19:40Well done, Tester.
19:41Terrific work.
19:42Be moving.
19:43I got a real sense of Egypt.
19:46Did you see Spacey?
19:47Yes, he was in the middle of the front row.
19:49I was sitting right behind him.
19:50He was clapping all the way through.
19:52Hollywood, here I come.
19:55Toast, the Royal Couple are almost here.
19:58Did you get them a present?
19:59I hope you didn't forget.
20:01He did forget, because he's a complete cut.
20:03I'm the language purchaser.
20:04Sorry, Bob.
20:05This is bloody serious, Toast.
20:07Sometimes the joking has to stop.
20:09Ah, your Royal Highnesses, this is Stephen Toast.
20:12Toast.
20:13He has a gift for you which he'd like to present
20:15on behalf of the Friends of the Regency Theatre.
20:34A pair of tits?
20:35A pair of tits.
20:36A pair of tits.
20:37They're not real tits, though.
20:38They're just plastic ones.
20:39Like Paul Gascon used to wear.
20:49A man went to the doctor for a check-up.
20:51The doctor says,
20:52I have some very bad news.
20:53You're going to die.
20:54God.
20:55The man says,
20:56How long am I going to live?
20:57The doctor said,
20:58Ten.
20:59The man said,
21:00What? Months? Weeks?
21:01The doctor said,
21:02No.
21:03Nine.
21:04Eight.
21:05Seven.
21:06Bob Monkhouse!
21:07Toast.
21:12Oh, who's these?
21:14Bloody hilarious, but...
21:16What do you think, Charlie?
21:21Very unwise of you, Toast.
21:23To open that trap door.
21:25Bob is dead.
21:26Rather like his zombie wife.
21:28So is Bob Monkhouse now a zombie?
21:30This is no time to discuss whether Bob Monkhouse is now a zombie like his wife.
21:35You can kiss goodbye to any ideas of an MBE or CBE after your name.
21:40DOA more likely.
21:41And as for a knighthood, ha!
21:43But Kevin Spacey, what about him?
21:45I mean, he loved my performance.
21:47Any word?
21:50Kevin Spacey, Jane!
21:52Oh, I may have made a slight error on that one, Toast.
21:55Oh, God.
21:57What?
21:58Well, you know I said I was sitting behind him in the theatre.
22:01Yes, you sat behind him while he was adoring my performance and...
22:04Well, I presumed it was Kevin Spacey, but I subsequently discovered it was actually the comedian Bob Mortimer.
22:12Who?
22:13Bob Mortimer?
22:15He does look very like Spacey, especially from behind.
22:19Mm!
22:20Mm.
22:21Mm.
22:22Mm.
22:27Mm.
22:28Mm.
22:29Mm.
22:30Mm.
22:31Mm.
22:34Better?
22:35So what the shit happened with Spacey?
22:40Well, apparently he went to Afghanistan on a humanitarian mission.
22:44Unlike you, he does a lot of work for charity.
22:47so he was visiting some good Afghans who live on the left-hand side of the road.
22:52Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
22:54As opposed to Afghans that live on the right-hand side of the road.
22:58Oh, the bad Afghans live on the right-hand side of the road.
23:01I see.
23:02Anyway, nobody's heard from him in days.
23:05I do hope he turns up again.
23:10Toast.
23:17So take my hand.
23:20Because I feel too welcome.
23:23It's gone too far from here.
23:26No, I don't know you.
23:28You don't know me.
23:30I just had to talk to you.
23:33See?
23:34So take my hand.
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