Skip to playerSkip to main content
couchtripperdocs
  • 10 hours ago

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00Okay, Stephen, ready to go?
00:04Oh, have I introduced you to our client, Nick Swivney?
00:07Yeah, whatever. Can we just get on with this, please?
00:10Uh, Stephen, this is Clem Fandango.
00:13Yeah, I know who you are.
00:15Can you hear me?
00:16Yeah, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
00:21What do you want?
00:22Just letting you know we're ready to go.
00:24He just said that!
00:26You two are unbelievable!
00:30The smooth taste of red carpet cigarettes
00:34is coming to the Democratic Republic of Congo.
00:38Everybody knows that cigarettes are good for you.
00:41Red carpet cigarettes.
00:43Once you smoke one, you'll want more, and more,
00:47and more, and more, and more, and more, and more.
00:53Yes!
00:55No!
01:00That went well.
01:01The lady, Jane, she's a fine, fine woman.
01:05She's your agent, yes?
01:07Yeah, she's my agent.
01:08You are fucking her, yes?
01:10Eh?
01:11No, I'm not.
01:12Am I done here?
01:14Tell Jane, hello from me.
01:17Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
01:20Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
01:23Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
01:24India, which bloody button do I press?
01:53You just pressed play?
01:54Yes, I know!
02:00Killer whales?
02:01Well, I'm sure they'd train you a couple of hours in the morning.
02:03You'd be performing with them in the pool by lunchtime.
02:06Why would you even suggest this, Jane? I'm an actor, not a bloody whale charmer, for Christ's sake!
02:11You might want to watch your language and remember who you're talking to, Toast.
02:16Ah, Madam Mystery, vengeful husband. Ruler Lenska's already said yes to the wife.
02:23Cats. Children's television.
02:31Good God, never again.
02:33So who's going on their holidays this week? That's right, it's Jennifer. Off you go, Stephen.
02:40I wonder where Jennifer's going.
02:46Oh, shit, man, you're fucking kidding.
02:50How did you get on with Nick Swivney?
02:55You know he's trying to flog cigarettes to the Congo? The poorest people in the world.
03:00Yeah. They're rather tasty, actually.
03:02Why would you put me up for something like that?
03:04You're concerned for ethical reasons, or because someone might find out about it?
03:08Because someone might find out about it. Why can't you find me something decent?
03:12I suggest a little rethink on the Norris Flipjack advert.
03:15Mm-mm.
03:16You'll be shooting it at his extensive woodland estate.
03:19No, I won't.
03:20It's mega money toast.
03:21Mm-mm.
03:22And any advert directed by Flipjack has quality written all over it.
03:26Nope.
03:27Fantastic. This is going to be great. Now, where's my star? There he is. Fashionably
03:41late.
03:42Hey, Jackie. How you doing?
03:43Fill your tiger. Barry. Chris. Hey, Maxine. You're looking good.
03:48Thanks, Ray.
03:50Ray, bloody purchase. Toast.
03:53How you feeling this morning, Ray?
03:55Well, what a night. I tell you what, this cat really knows how to throw a party.
03:59But you wouldn't know about that, would you, Toast?
04:01Because you weren't invited. How embarrassing.
04:03Right. Let's make an advert.
04:07I'm ready. Let's go.
04:09You heard him. Let's go.
04:11Okay. First positions. Turnover. Cue, Travelator.
04:16And...
04:18Action!
04:20Zero music.
04:22Zero music.
04:23Zero music.
04:25Seven music.
04:26Zero music.
04:29Zero music.
04:30Zero music.
04:31Okay. Cut.
04:32Cut!
04:36Right. That's lunch.
04:39You jumped-up prick.
04:41Whatever petty crap exists between you and Ray Purchase is of no interest to me.
04:47But if it starts to jeopardise the making of my advert...
04:51I've got to be honest with you, Flipjack. I hate everything about your advert.
04:55What kind of arsehole doesn't like my adverts?
04:58This kind of arsehole!
05:02It's clearly a prop gun, Flipjack.
05:04Really? Well, let's see, shall we?
05:06If you don't say, I'm sorry, Norris, I love your advert...
05:11Put down that fox!
05:13Barbecuing defenceless animals. You're insane!
05:18Go on, fella. Run for your life.
05:20He's dead, you idiot!
05:24Ah, didn't expect that, did you, Flipjack?
05:26You see, Toast, what you don't know.
05:29You see, Flipjack, what you don't know.
05:32How's the barbecue going, guys?
05:34He was barbecuing a fox!
05:36I wasn't barbecuing it, I was roasting it on a spit.
05:38It's the kind of thing that goes on all the time in the countryside toast.
05:41Get used to it.
05:42No, I fancy a fox burger.
05:44Tuck in, Ray.
05:46There you go, Toast.
05:48What's this for?
05:49Bus fare.
05:51Don't bother coming back after lunch.
05:54Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha?
06:03You're crass and so obscene.
06:06You're the man who has got everything without a sense of it all.
06:11How dare you speak to me
06:15You're nothing but an amateur
06:17Who sits and waits by the phone
06:20I wish I was dead or on TV
06:23Well, that's the kind of success that you will never see
06:28You really are a joke
06:31I fail to see the humor
06:34Cause you've no sense of it all
06:41But he was barbecuing foxes, you say
06:48He was, he had one on a spit
06:50I believe he's in the countryside alliance
06:53He can do what he likes
06:54But as I told you, best not to cross Norris Flipjack
06:58He will crush you like that
07:00Yes, well I'm done with all these shit jobs, Jane
07:08I got a few quid in the bank
07:09It's not like I'm facing a massive tax bill any time soon
07:12Good afternoon, I'd like to report Stephen Gonville's toast for tax evasion
07:20Unfortunately, Ray Purchase has reported you to the tax people
07:26Why is he such a grass?
07:29I could kill him with a spoon
07:31Well, that may be so, but brace yourself, Toast
07:33You now owe the tax people a quarter of a million pounds
07:36Oh God, I thought you took care of all the tax stuff, Jane
07:41Jane
07:44Look, you may have to take a few jobs that don't particularly appeal for a while
07:50But this Harry Potter show will be great
07:52When I got into this profession, I had no intention of entertaining anybody
07:56Least of all children
07:58Actors can't always pick and choose Toast, even very successful ones
08:03I know when things were a little lax for John Nettles last year, he turned to a spot of poaching
08:09Poaching?
08:10Yes
08:10Just to put food on the table before his next job at the Nash
08:13Really?
08:13Shall we?
08:17Everything going well, Eric?
08:19Still on the EastEnders?
08:21Leave it out, Pat
08:23What the hell was that?
08:29That sounds like the back door
08:3030 quid, the lot
08:37How many rabbits?
08:39Three
08:40That's not a rabbit, looks more like a squirrel
08:42It's a rabbit
08:43I don't think so, John
08:45We'd have to skin them and all that
08:47But Juliet Stevenson could do all that for you for an extra ten hours
08:50Not really that keen
08:52Oh, right
08:54Well, I'll try Tim Piggott-Smith
08:57You can't help yourself, can you?
09:00What do you mean, can't help myself?
09:02Name drop
09:02You can't get a sentence out without John Mills this or Tim Piggott-Smith that
09:08Go easy, Toast
09:08Poor man's on his uppers
09:10No, you're right
09:11I'm sorry, Nettles
09:13Good luck with your rabbits
09:15And give my love to the family
09:17Try you fucking Bonneville
09:21I hope I never have to do anything like that, Ed
09:27Looks like we're on for another train strike, Toast
09:31Tell you, Thatcher would have sorted that out with a single phone call to Cobra
09:34Indeed
09:35Hope you're not thinking of going anywhere
09:36That's at least in my troubles, Ed
09:38Jane's got me doing these shitty jobs to pay off that tax bill
09:41How was that Harry Potter show?
09:43The director was a wanker
09:45They're all useless
09:46I don't respect any of them
09:47In fact, I don't respect anybody
09:50Really?
09:51Yeah, I can't think of a single person on this earth that I have any respect for
09:56Have you ever thought of directing, Toast?
10:02Well, that's not a bad idea
10:03I think I'd be an excellent director now you mention it, Ed
10:08Might not be as easy as it looks, Toast
10:09Some actors can be a little difficult
10:11Toast?
10:16Calendar girls
10:18What's that?
10:20Oh, you must know about it, Toast
10:21A load of prim, middle-aged women pose nude for a calendar to raise money for charity
10:26They pose nude for a calendar?
10:27That's correct
10:28The Women's Institute
10:29Indeed?
10:31There's one thing I don't get, Jane
10:32Who the fuck would want to buy something like that?
10:35How dare you be so rude about the W.I. Toast
10:38Anyway, the producer and the director, for some reason, are very keen to meet you
10:42I suggested the Colonial Club tomorrow afternoon
10:44Who are they?
10:46Duncan Clench and Bob Fennesson
10:48Never heard of them
10:49Oh, one tiny thing
10:51Bob Fennesson has a very minor facial blemish
10:54What's the matter with him?
10:55Do you know, it's so minor, I don't even remember
10:57Anyway, we are well on the way to paying off your quarter of a million pound tax bill
11:01Toodaloo
11:03So, what was that toast?
11:04I was Jane
11:05She's got me a part in something called Calendar Girls
11:08The Women's Institute
11:10Yes, I have one of those calendars
11:12Sounds weird
11:14Like niche porn
11:15The ladies, mostly of the mature variety and somewhat out of shape
11:18Are totally nude
11:20Yeah, so I gather
11:21However, homemade cupcakes and jars of chutney discreetly obscure the more intimate parts of their bodies
11:26Leaving the viewer's imagination to picture the erotic delights concealed beneath
11:31I might just go and see if I can find my calendar
11:37Check some dates
11:40Steven
11:46I'm Duncan Clench, producer
11:50And this is Bob Fennesson, our director
11:54Hi, Steven
11:55Something to eat?
11:57Oh, there's a menu
11:58Oh
11:59Uh, club sandwich for me, I think, Bob?
12:05What has Jane told you about Calendar Girls?
12:07I presume you're familiar with the production
12:09It's been touring constantly since 2008
12:12So everything's running very smoothly at this stage
12:15You'll be playing part of the photographer
12:19Which is an absolutely keen role
12:23I can't operate a camera, does that matter?
12:25No, no, no, no
12:26You won't be actually taking any photographs
12:28So it's no...
12:29What, what?
12:31Sorry about this, Steven
12:32We'll be back in a moment
12:33Sorry about that, Steven
12:42Are you all right?
12:42Anyone knows just that, well, Bob was a bit upset
12:45He thought he should be included more in the, in the conversation
12:49Maybe we should include him more
12:51So where will we be rehearsing the play, Bob?
12:55Er, Eastbourne, tomorrow
12:56We've got a fantastic bunch of actors
12:59Shit
12:59Oh, sorry about this
13:02Steven, we're going to have to go
13:07Oh, I didn't let him answer your question about meeting the cast
13:10And now he's furious
13:11You've probably noticed he's, er...
13:14He's, er...
13:15What?
13:17He's...
13:17He's quite shy
13:19Oh
13:19Doesn't really like being out in company
13:21Anyway, it's been very nice meeting you
13:24Oh, come on!
13:26And we'll speak soon
13:28Fucking hell
13:32Anything can happen now
13:38Dead?
13:41Yes
13:42Well, both of them
13:43Yes
13:43The police located their empty car
13:45And two pairs of pyjamas at Beachy Head
13:48Good God
13:49They're working on a theory
13:51That they went for a dip
13:52And whilst in the water
13:53Bob drowned Duncan
13:55And then drowned himself
13:56There was a really sad suicide note
14:00What, the police went for a dip with Bob and Duncan?
14:02No
14:03Well, wouldn't the police have tried to stop Bob from drowning Duncan
14:05Before Bob drowned himself?
14:06I wish you'd listen
14:07Just Bob and Duncan went for a dip
14:09So the police were watching from the shore?
14:10No, the police weren't involved at this point
14:12Ah
14:13Maybe it was an accident
14:14God, there was a suicide note
14:16Maybe it wasn't an accident
14:17Bob was fiercely jealous of Duncan
14:20And according to the suicide note
14:22Believed that Duncan was in love with you
14:24Did anything happen between you and Duncan?
14:28Did it?
14:28Fuck
14:29No
14:30We just went for a drink
14:31In fact, only I had a drink
14:33They had to rush off for a train
14:34Now the show's missing a producer and a director
14:37I mean, producer doesn't matter
14:38But they really need a strong director to break in the new cast
14:41Yes
14:43Sorry?
14:45I'll do it
14:46Opportunity knocks
14:47You want to be a director?
14:49Yes, I would like to be a director
14:50And I think I'd be pretty good at it
14:52Don't you?
14:53Well, it's not just the technical skills
14:54You need people skills as well, Toast
14:56I've got people skills
14:57And a very good sense of humour
14:59Ha ha ha
15:00If you're directing
15:02Will you be able to take on the role of the photographer?
15:05It's a shit role anyway
15:06Any halfwick could do it
15:07This is Ed Houser Black
15:11And he'll be playing the part of the photographer
15:13Yes
15:15Now, the first scene we're going to have a look at
15:18Sorry to immediately interrupt, Toast
15:21Did you plan to have the ladies undressed for this scene?
15:26This is just a rehearsal, Ed
15:27Wouldn't it help at all?
15:28There might be something more natural about it
15:30You're not even in this scene
15:32Why don't you go to your dressing room
15:34And I'll see you at lunch?
15:35No, I think I'll stay around if you don't mind
15:37I'd quite like to see your directing style
15:39Well, I can tell you
15:41My directing style will be very forceful indeed
15:43Yes
15:44I intend to treat these people as cattle
15:47Quite so, quite so
15:48Yes
15:49All right, ladies
15:52We need the actresses called Jennifer and Alexandra
15:55Right
15:58Okay, this is the scene where you're both
16:02Worried about telling your husbands
16:05That you're going to do a nude calendar shoot
16:07Here we go
16:08And action
16:10Oh, I am slightly worried about telling my Bert
16:14What are his mates down the pub going to think?
16:17I...
16:18Sorry, I forgot my line
16:24You've forgotten your line?
16:29I just assumed you'd be a bit better prepared than that
16:32Okay, let's go again
16:34Action
16:35Oh, I am slightly worried about telling my Bert
16:40What are his mates down the pub going to think?
16:44I...
16:45Sorry, I...
16:47I forgot my line
16:48You did what?
16:50I forgot my line
16:52What the fuck is wrong with you?
16:54Show her her line!
16:57Um...
16:58I'm concentrating, don't fuck it up
17:00Action
17:01Oh, I am slightly worried about telling my Bert
17:05Telling my Bert
17:06What are his mates down the pub going to think?
17:10I...
17:10Sorry, I...
17:15I...
17:15I forgot my line
17:17Are you fucking retarded?
17:19What the shit is between your ears?
17:21Can I...
17:22Sorry, she's not really responding to your direction
17:26May I suggest a small piece of advice?
17:29What?
17:29I think you could possibly be a little more forceful with her
17:33More forceful?
17:34Yes
17:34A tad more aggressive
17:36I give that a go
17:37May well work
17:38Okay
17:39Jennifer, I'll be to the point
17:47If you knacker this scene again
17:50I'll fucking fire you from this production
17:52And I'll replace you with an actress
17:54Who can actually act
17:56Action!
18:01Oh
18:01I...
18:02I am slightly worried about telling my Bert
18:06What are his mates down the pub going to think?
18:09I...
18:10Okay, so
18:22Sally's just given you the news
18:25What's needed here is a small reaction
18:27Because you don't want Sally to know that you're upset
18:30Right?
18:33Action!
18:36What the hell are you doing?
18:38I said a small reaction, you fucking donut
18:41Let's give it one more try
18:43Before I replace you with a chimpanzee
18:45Right?
18:46Now pull yourself together
18:47Action!
18:51No!
18:52No, no, no!
18:54I say
18:55You can't speak to our actors like that
18:59Is that clench?
19:01Hang on
19:01I thought you were dead
19:03There was an incident
19:04With Bob
19:06He tried to drown me
19:08I drifted out to sea
19:10But luckily
19:11I was washed up
19:12Just outside the theatre
19:13Why are you directing this production?
19:17I think you should leave this show
19:19Well, screw you, sailor
19:21It's a shit show anyway
19:22Bunch of middle-aged tarts
19:24Hiding their tits behind flowerpots
19:26I can do much better than this
19:28Come on, Ed
19:29We're going
19:29Where is he?
19:31What are you doing, Ed?
19:32He's rehearsing a photography scene
19:33With Alison here
19:34Never mind that
19:35We've got to get back to London
19:36Unlikely, Toast
19:37Why?
19:38That rail strike has gone ahead
19:39Anyway
19:41Alison has just offered to put me up for the night
19:44Really?
19:45I could give you a lift back if you like
19:49Great
19:50Where's your car?
19:51Oh, I don't have a car
19:53What do you have?
19:58Oh!
19:59What's the problem?
20:04It's
20:04I found the day's rehearsals very distressing
20:09You're an extremely aggressive director
20:13And
20:14Because I was a bit upset
20:17I may have
20:19Forgotten to put fuel into the tank
20:22Oh, for fuck's sake
20:25Good God
20:41God
20:44Sorry about earlier
20:47I may have been a
20:49Tad over the top
20:52No hard feelings
20:54Okay
20:54Stop there
20:55Don't move
20:56Whoever you are
20:57You know this is private land
20:59Show your face
21:01You bastard
21:02Toast
21:04What the hell are you doing here?
21:06I was in a plane that just crashed in this wood
21:09A likely story
21:10Is that really the best you can come up with, Toast?
21:13Oh
21:13You'll be pleased to hear that my advert that you hate so much
21:18Will be playing in over 100,000 cinemas across the world
21:24So your decision to walk means zero royalties for you, fucknut
21:30Yeah
21:31And now I see
21:32You're reduced to poaching
21:35The last resort of the out-of-work actor
21:40What are you talking about?
21:42What's the quickest way back to London from here?
21:45I'd say it's to run
21:48What the?
21:54Nettles?
21:55Again?
22:03Yes
22:03Unfortunately, he's just been in a plane crash
22:08No, it wasn't serious
22:11Only one person was killed
22:12I'm sure we can come to a satisfactory resolution, Mr Cockatip
22:17Cockatip?
22:20I was the tax man
22:21Luckily, something's come in
22:22Something big
22:23Big enough to pay off your tax bill in one swoop
22:26What's the product?
22:27Never mind what the fucking product is, Toast
22:29You have no choice in this
22:31Here are your plane tickets
22:33Here are plane tickets
22:34Where am I going?
22:35Okay boys, let's take a break
22:40Red Carpet cigarettes is the number one brand in the Democratic Republic of Congo
22:45Everybody loves the silky smooth taste of a red carpet
22:50Red Carpet cigarettes, the Democratic Republic of Congo's number one favorite
22:55I'll have one please
22:57Only ten Congolese francs are packets
23:00Once you smoke one
23:03You'll want more
23:05And more
23:06And more
23:07And more
23:08So take my hand
23:10We'll disappear
23:12To a moment
23:13So far from here
23:16No, I don't know you
23:18You don't know me
23:20I just had to talk
23:22To you
23:23You see
23:24So say you know
23:26Please don't know
23:28You could be the one
23:30For all I know
23:32And I don't
23:38I don't know
23:46I don't know
23:47Things don't know
23:48And I don't know
23:49I don't know
23:50So that
23:51And I don't know
23:51You
23:52You
Be the first to comment
Add your comment