- 10 hours ago
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00:00I thought you said you were a beekeeper.
00:06No, a beak keeper.
00:08I keep beaks.
00:10That's an impressive collection.
00:12Look, I didn't ask you back to my flat to look at my beaks.
00:15Of course you didn't.
00:19You don't mind if I keep my sports fest on, do you?
00:22Fine.
00:25What's that thing on your leg?
00:27Oh, nothing.
00:30When it get in the way, what is it exactly?
00:33It's an electronic tag.
00:34An electronic tag?
00:35Yeah, it's nothing.
00:36I got into a little scrape with the police
00:38and now I have to wear an electronic tag on my leg.
00:40It's no big deal.
00:42An electronic tag?
00:43Aren't they for thieves and murderers?
00:45You've not murdered anyone, have you?
00:46Not yet.
00:49What do you mean, not yet?
00:51Because he's in a coma.
00:52It could go either way.
00:54Look, there was a very minor altercation
00:56and someone got stabbed.
00:58I didn't even think it was worth calling the police.
01:00Who got stabbed?
01:01My boyfriend.
01:02It's fine.
01:04That dark stain on your rug,
01:06is that connected with the stabbing?
01:08Yes, it's a blood stain.
01:10Why are you so interested in this?
01:12I've just realised I have to be up really early in the morning
01:15for a dentist appointment.
01:17I should be going.
01:19Really?
01:20Yes.
01:21I hope you're not put off by the fact that I stabbed my boyfriend.
01:24Ex-boyfriend, surely.
01:25Well, that's a discussion we'll have to have when he wakes up.
01:27That's if he ever does.
01:29I see it's us sort of having a bit of a break from each other.
01:32That's why I think it's okay for me to see you.
01:34You're pissed off with me, aren't you?
01:36No, no.
01:37Oh.
01:38I know what you're thinking.
01:39There's another boyfriend on the scene.
01:41He still fancies her.
01:42Maybe she still fancies him.
01:44Why do I fit into all of this?
01:45Because I really fancy her too.
01:47But don't worry.
01:49Because I know that Colin would be cool about me seeing you.
01:52Anyway, if he's not, fuck him.
01:55I think we should take a break from each other.
01:57Well, I only met you tonight.
01:58Really?
01:59I'm already on a break from Colin.
02:00I can't take a break from you as well.
02:02Well, maybe we could go for a drink sometime soon.
02:04How would that be?
02:07You'd better fucking ring me.
02:21I've forgotten my trousers.
02:32It's tremendous news.
02:52So when did you hear?
02:53Just this morning.
02:54As soon as I got the email I rang you.
02:55Can you believe it?
02:57You've won an award!
02:59After how many years in the industry?
03:0110?
03:0215?
03:0328.
03:04Time to break open the mini champagne.
03:08Now listen.
03:09There's going to be a very big ceremony.
03:11And they're very, very keen that you accept the award in person.
03:15This is great.
03:16All very exciting.
03:17What is this magazine?
03:18Oh, it's called Bras with a Z.
03:20It specialises in celebrity tit-bits and such.
03:23Bras?
03:24Sounds like a bongo mag.
03:25A what?
03:26A jazz mag.
03:27A porno.
03:28I...
03:29Spare me the confused innocence, Jane.
03:31We're both far too long in the tooth.
03:33It's a celebrity magazine, Toast.
03:36It's read by more people than read your bingo rag, I'll wager.
03:39So what have I won?
03:40What's the award for?
03:41Best actor.
03:43Mmm.
03:45Am I the best actor in Britain or the world?
03:48I don't know if they've specified.
03:51I'll assume it's the world.
03:53And what's the time frame?
03:54Best actor of the year, the century or of all time?
03:56Toast, you'd just be glad you've won.
03:58Now, do you know Susan Random?
04:00Nope.
04:01She's a journalist.
04:02She's absolutely huge on Twitter.
04:03300,000 followers.
04:05Even Jesus didn't have 300,000 followers.
04:11Yeah, I think he did.
04:12Not at the beginning.
04:13Hmm?
04:14Anyway, she's very keen to meet you.
04:16Big spread in the telegraph.
04:17Big spread in the telegraph.
04:18And she's paying for lunch.
04:19I absolutely made that clear.
04:21Yeah.
04:22This is all unusually good.
04:24I can't wait to start telling people that I have won an award.
04:29Oh.
04:30Toast, I need to inform you of something.
04:32Do you remember someone called Kikini Bamalam?
04:35I know the name.
04:36Kikini Bamalam.
04:37Kikini Bamalam.
04:38Kikini Bamalam.
04:39Stop saying it.
04:40She's the daughter of the Nigerian ambassador.
04:42Terrific girl.
04:43Had a bit of a rough time lately.
04:44So I've asked her if she'd like to come and stay here for a while.
04:46Why?
04:47Well, she's been recovering from an operation.
04:49Unfortunately, she's addicted to cosmetic surgery.
04:52Pointless, really.
04:54She's always been very attractive.
04:55But after her last rather painful op,
04:57she's ended up looking very much like...
05:01Most peculiar.
05:02Well, who?
05:03Who does she look like?
05:04Bruce Forsythe.
05:05Bruce Forsythe?
05:06Yes.
05:07It's quite an uncanny likeness.
05:09They've done a radical makeover of her entire body.
05:11Oh.
05:12Except for her left hand.
05:13The police arrived before they got to that.
05:15What, so her hand is still...
05:16Yes.
05:17It's a sole reminder of her quintessential African beauty.
05:20It's obviously rather traumatic for Kikini,
05:22because she absolutely hates Bruce Forsythe.
05:24Although, I must say, actually, I'm a bit of a fan.
05:27Well, who isn't?
05:28All-round entertainer.
05:29Yeah.
05:30So what are we talking here?
05:31Palladium Brucie?
05:32Generation Game Brucie?
05:33Or Strictly Brucie?
05:34It's Generation Game Brucie.
05:36Oh.
05:37Although resembling Brucie from any era is bound to be traumatic for an attractive African woman.
05:41Given.
05:42This latest surgeon she went to, unscrupulous character, goes by the name of Beezus Fafoon.
05:48Beezus Fafoon?
05:49Beezus Fafoon.
05:50I haven't heard that name in a while.
05:52Really?
05:53Beezus Fafoon was a pseudonym sometimes used by a rival of mine.
05:56A total prat by the name of Ray Purchase.
06:00Ah, yes.
06:01Third-rate actor of vulgar farces.
06:03That's the one.
06:04I've been fucking his wife on an ongoing basis.
06:06He's never got used to the idea.
06:08So, he's branched into cosmetic surgery then, has he?
06:11He's probably doing it just to get back at me.
06:13He's always been very jealous and a complete tool.
06:16I see.
06:17That'll be right.
06:18I can just picture the scene.
06:20Ray.
06:21So, you want to look like her.
06:24Ray.
06:25No problem.
06:26So, I'll just, um, jit you with this.
06:29Ray.
06:30Ray.
06:31So, you think he set himself up as a rogue cosmetic surgeon
06:45to operate on a friend of a friend of yours, disfigure her
06:48and turn her into a Bruce Forsyte lookalike just to piss you off?
06:52Yep.
06:53Thing is, I'm not even that pissed off.
07:02Excuse me.
07:03Which one of you ladies is here to meet Stephen Toast?
07:07Stephen.
07:08Hi.
07:09I'm Susan Random.
07:11I'm Stephen Toast.
07:13Do sit down.
07:14I intend to.
07:15Thanks for agreeing to the interview.
07:17Would you like a drink?
07:18Are you having one?
07:19I'm working.
07:20Of course.
07:21If you want one, it's fine.
07:22I hope you're not one of these journalists
07:24who gets their subjects sloshed so they spill the beans.
07:27Cause that isn't gonna happen.
07:31It seems odd that this is an interview,
07:35cause it's just like chatting to an old friend.
07:37I feel that too.
07:38I admit I was planning a bit of a hatchet job,
07:41sort of, Stephen Toast, he is a massive prick,
07:44but it just seems that we have so much in common.
07:50I've got so much in common too.
07:52Listen, I have to do this fucking play tonight.
07:59Maybe we can meet tomorrow afternoon.
08:01We could go for a walk.
08:03I live near the canal, so...
08:05A walk along the canal?
08:06How delightful.
08:07Do you read poetry?
08:08The best poetry is about canals.
08:10I love canal poetry.
08:12The only thing I don't like about the word canal
08:14is if you remove the C, it spells anal.
08:16Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
08:26Yes!
08:27Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
08:57Who is she?
08:57She's just a journalist doing a piece about me.
09:00I've got to go.
09:00I...
09:01Oh, damn it.
09:03It's my electronic tag.
09:04I must be beyond the ten mile zone.
09:06Really?
09:06Yeah, this must be the line right here.
09:11Well, it's a great system.
09:13I hope you're going to call me.
09:15Absolutely.
09:15As soon as I have a spare mobile.
09:16You better toast.
09:26Although I'm honoured to receive this award, it's not a surprise.
09:29Pleased with your award, are you, Trist?
09:31Yes.
09:32About bloody time this industry recognised me.
09:34And to celebrate, I'm planning a romantic walk along a canal.
09:38Oh, I fell into a canal once when I was filming that episode of Minder.
09:41I was handcuffed to Diana Quick.
09:43Well, I'll be accompanied by the delightful Susan Random.
09:47Susan Random, the journalist.
09:48I follow her on Twitter.
09:49I plan to follow her myself, but not on Twitter.
09:52Just along a canal.
09:53Excellent.
09:53Why are you dressed as the man from Del Monte?
09:56That's for Kikini's imminent arrival.
09:58I see.
09:59It's absolutely crucial, Toast.
10:00Though we make as little as possible of the Bruce Forsyte thing.
10:03Of course.
10:04Yeah.
10:05Remember, the whole Brucey thing is strictly off the agenda.
10:09Most important.
10:09All right, Ed.
10:10Ah, a canal poem by Susan Random.
10:15Dear Stephen, my favourite place for water is in a long canal.
10:21Although it can be dark and wet, it never is banal.
10:26Susan, that's beautiful.
10:27Kikini, this is my flatmate, Stephen Toast.
10:32Nice to see you, to see you nice.
10:36Forgive that.
10:37Ed did tell me that to mention any of your catchphrases was strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly.
10:46You don't look actually anything like him.
10:56I might need to lie down.
10:58Yes, Kikini, you've had a long journey.
10:59Let me show you to your room.
11:01What out this way again, is it?
11:02It was as if I was in some kind of trance, but she does look the spitting image of Bruce Forsyte, and apparently she hates it.
11:16I thought I'd hate you before I met you.
11:19Everyone said to me on Stephen Toast, what a cunt.
11:22But you're not.
11:25You're really not.
11:29Just a moment.
11:32I'd often wondered how those things ended up in canals.
11:41Yes.
11:42I'm the sort of person who dumps supermarket trolleys in canals.
11:46I want to know everything about you.
11:54So, what will you have to drink?
11:56I suppose there is something I should tell you.
12:00I'm not embarrassed about it, but I have to let you know.
12:04I'm an alcoholic.
12:06Brilliant.
12:07I mean, no one drinks these days.
12:08Let's get a bottle of whiskey.
12:10No, Toast.
12:10I'm a recovering alcoholic.
12:12I can't drink.
12:13Ever.
12:15It ruined my life.
12:18Well, look, it doesn't matter.
12:19We'll get a bottle of whiskey, and I'll drink your half as well.
12:21If I was still drinking, I wouldn't just drink half a bottle.
12:26Me too.
12:27I drink the whole bottle.
12:28We have so much in common.
12:31So, apart from throwing shopping trolleys in canals, being an alcoholic, you seem refreshingly normal.
12:38So, what else should I know about you?
12:40I mean, these things normally come in threes.
12:42Oh, that's all my skeletons out of the closet toast, I promise.
12:45No more surprises.
12:47Listen, I have to do that bloody awful play later, but I'll be free afterwards.
12:51Now, I would invite you around to mine, but we have that female Bruce Forsyth look-alike staying.
12:56So?
12:57So, is there any room at yours?
13:00Oh, you mean for sexy time?
13:02Well, I wouldn't...
13:03I like sexy time.
13:05Great.
13:06I can supply my own sheaths.
13:08I do have one rule.
13:09I will not use extra safe ones.
13:11They're too thick, and I don't believe in putting in the extra effort.
13:14Okay?
13:15All good, my end.
13:16Excellent.
13:16I'd love you to come back.
13:18It's just...
13:18My house is a little untidy.
13:21Oh, sod it.
13:22I'll tidy up.
13:23Um, might need to spend a bit of time on it, though.
13:26Um, you could come round tomorrow night?
13:29I'm totally free.
13:30Excellent.
13:30Hmm.
13:32Just need to put it to the loo.
13:33Ha-ha.
13:43Um.
13:44Call you, yes.
13:46For a drink, yes.
13:48Yeah, I'll call you.
13:54Come back to bed, bikini.
13:56Look, I think I'm ready to go again.
14:01I was just making myself a small sandwich.
14:03Do you want one?
14:03Well, I...
14:04Yeah.
14:07I'm not going to say goodnight, because if I attempt to say anything, I'm just going to
14:10end up being one of Bruce Versailles' cat phrases.
14:13Like, I'm in charge, or good game, good game.
14:16Or give us a twirl.
14:18So I'll just say nothing.
14:20Oh, shit.
14:21I think I'll have a shower.
14:43Yes, of course.
14:45What the hell are you playing at, Ed?
14:55I know.
14:56I'm not proud of myself.
14:57It's just...
14:58I've always been a big fan of Bruce.
15:00She's not Bruce Forsyth!
15:01I'm acutely aware of how it looks.
15:04The thing is, it's really made Kikini feel attractive again.
15:08What?
15:08I'm just trying to shift focus away from her looking like Brucey.
15:12In fact, I think she may be beginning to quite like the idea.
15:15Oh, for fuck's sake!
15:18So, how are you getting on with Susan Random?
15:22Good.
15:23I'm seeing her again tonight.
15:25Going back to her place.
15:26Really?
15:26Oh, yes.
15:30Here we are.
15:35Good God.
15:40Follow me.
15:40Right behind you.
15:46Not as young as I was.
15:50I guess that these things normally come in threes.
15:54What do you mean?
15:55Well, you appear to be one of those extreme hoarders I've seen those TV programmes about.
16:01It's just a little untidy.
16:03Honestly, you should have seen what it was like before.
16:06What's wrong?
16:07I think I'm stuck.
16:08Oh.
16:10I'm just going to change into something a little more comfortable, if that's okay.
16:20Yes.
16:26Don't go away.
16:28There's not much chance of that.
16:30I see you're wearing a sports vest.
16:53I would have thought you'd have got in by now.
16:58If I could, I would.
17:01You're definitely stuck.
17:03I should get help.
17:05When did I put my phone?
17:07Oh, no, no, no, no.
17:09Oh.
17:14Ah!
17:15I thought you said you were going to ring me.
17:18I think it may be here.
17:21Are you sleeping with this woman?
17:26Who is this person, Toast?
17:27Her name's Jemima.
17:28I'm sorry I don't know your full name.
17:29Jemima Jiner.
17:30Meet Susan Random.
17:31Who is she?
17:32She's no one.
17:33We went out for one night.
17:34It's a bit more than that.
17:35It was a pretty serious relationship.
17:37We were practically engaged.
17:38What the fuck are you talking about?
17:40Is this true, Toast?
17:41Of course not.
17:42She's a dangerous criminal.
17:44No, I'm not.
17:45Anyway, there's going to be a retrial.
17:46I'll get off.
17:47Retrial for what?
17:48Murder.
17:49Attempted murder, thank you.
17:51I don't know what to say, Toast.
17:53I thought we had so much in common.
17:56I can't believe you're cheating on me.
17:57You need to shut your mouth.
18:00So how are we going to resolve this anyway?
18:01I'm very fucking angry about this.
18:07You keep beaks, too.
18:10Yes.
18:11I've got about 20 boxes of them.
18:13I adore beaks.
18:16I really do.
18:17I frame mine.
18:17I've got them on the wall.
18:18I must have several hundred.
18:20I just find them so fascinating.
18:22So fragile.
18:23Noble.
18:24I love what you've done to the place.
18:25You're so sweet.
18:26In the end, they will always cheat on me.
18:36He's the same, but he's somehow wriggle free.
18:40I had high hopes.
18:42I really thought we'd work.
18:44I'd found peace.
18:46Now you've set my world for sure.
18:48You are mad.
18:49You are mad and you'll get what comes to you.
18:54That sounds harsh, but it pays to tell the truth.
18:58I did my best.
19:00I like you, can't you see?
19:02Now my world's starting closing in on me.
19:06Now my world started closing in on me.
19:11Now my world's starting closing in on me.
19:16You know the wrongs, Jemima.
19:30Give me a ring, yeah?
19:31Yeah?
19:41We could go to a hotel.
19:43Oh, I don't think so, Toaster.
19:46It's four o'clock in the morning. You should go home.
19:49Really?
19:49Look, we should take a break from each other.
19:53We've only known each other two days.
19:55To be honest, Toaster, I think you're a little weird.
20:00I'm weird?
20:02You're an alcoholic, extreme hoarder, supermarket trolley in the canal dumper.
20:06However, yet very attractive.
20:10Toaster.
20:23Toast.
20:24Sorry, Toast, to ring you at four o'clock in the morning, but the awards ceremony is on tonight.
20:30You are going, aren't you? They're very keen that you appear.
20:32Yeah, I need cheering up.
20:34Good. There's just one little thing.
20:36What?
20:38Well, you know, I said you'd won the award for Best Actor.
20:40Yeah.
20:41Well, it's actually for Worst Actor.
20:44Sorry?
20:45It's actually for Worst Actor.
20:47It's a kind of cheeky award they give out every year.
20:51I think the finer details must have been on the attachment,
20:53and I don't normally read attachments.
20:55Well, you listen to me. There's been a change of plan.
20:57I'm not fucking going to the award ceremony.
20:59And if this wasn't a mobile phone, I'd be hanging up on you right now.
21:03Hello?
21:07Is everyone enjoying themselves tonight?
21:09God, who's this prick?
21:12All right, and now it's time to present the award for...
21:16Worst Actor.
21:18And the winner is...
21:20Oh, very well-deserved, mate.
21:22Stephen Toast!
21:26All right, all right, all right.
21:27Now, unfortunately, Stephen can't be with us tonight,
21:29but he has sent a major celebrity to collect the award.
21:33Please welcome Bruce Forsyth.
21:35Oh, thank you so much.
21:41Yes, now, very sadly, Stephen can't be with us this evening,
21:46but I am so pleased to accept this wonderful award on his behalf.
21:52It's very good of you to send Kikini to the awards, Toast.
21:57She looks very strong.
21:59A tremendous time.
22:03Let's have a toast, Toast.
22:05I'm not sure we're supposed to be celebrating.
22:07Who cares?
22:09Didn't she do well?
22:12Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
22:16Ha ha ha!
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