- 4 months ago
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00:00Remember, check out GiveUsAJob.biz and find a new career today.
00:07Phone us on.
00:09That's great, Stephen. That's literally it.
00:11What? You don't want me to finish it?
00:13There's no phone number. It just stops.
00:15All good, buddy.
00:16It's half an advert. It's a bit bloody peculiar, isn't it?
00:19Hello, Stephen. This is Clem Fandango. Can you hear me?
00:21Shut up. I'm talking to the grown-up.
00:23Who the hell wants half an advert?
00:25Honestly, Stephen, don't worry, all right?
00:26It's just a demo for some new client. I mean, it probably won't go anywhere anyway.
00:29What the hell are you talking about?
00:31Hello, Stephen. Look, we've really got to wrap this up and crack on with another session.
00:36Look, Colin. Yeah, yeah, he's waiting outside.
00:38All right, all right. I suppose I'll see you two next Thursday.
00:44Actually, Stephen.
00:45What?
00:46Would you mind showing Colin in on your way out? Only I don't think he's been here before.
00:56It's just through there. I think they're expecting you.
00:58I know what it is, thank you, big boy.
00:59I know what it is, thank you, big boy.
01:00I know what it is, thank you, big boy.
01:01I know what it is, thank you, big boy.
01:09God, I would never know he's such a deal.
01:13What?
01:14Are you sure he's gone?
01:15Oh, yeah.
01:16I'm just going to play some of the guy through your headphones.
01:18OK.
01:19Got it.
01:22We're rolling.
01:24Remember, click on GiveUsAjob.biz today and find a better job.
01:31There's a great new career out there waiting for you.
01:36Phone us on 08081 570 00.
01:39What the f...
01:40What the f...
01:41Well, I see you're enjoying the hospitality here, Stephen.
01:42Well, it's a bit early for me but your chef was very insistent.
01:45I know, he's a wee devil, isn't he?
01:46He is.
01:47Anyway, bottom line of the f...
01:48Well, I see you're enjoying the hospitality here, Stephen.
01:52Well, it's a bit early for me but your chef was very insistent.
01:58I know, he's a wee devil, isn't he?
01:59He is.
02:00Anyway, bottoms up.
02:01So, I understand you are returning to the theatre in the Scottish play?
02:04Yes.
02:05And I noticed you didn't say it.
02:06I know.
02:07Is it still a big no-no in theatrical circles to actually say Macbeth?
02:10Yeah.
02:11I know.
02:12It's a big no-no in theatrical circles to actually say Macbeth.
02:15Yeah.
02:17Well, I see you're enjoying the hospitality here, Stephen.
02:20Well, I see you're enjoying the hospitality here, Stephen.
02:21Well, it's a bit early for me but your chef was very insistent.
02:23I know, he's a wee devil, isn't he?
02:24He is.
02:25Anyway, bottoms up.
02:27Yeah.
02:28Anyway, it's a great part and it's in Regent's Park, it's in the open air.
02:32Yeah.
02:33I mean, it's always a pleasure to do Shakespeare and it's a nice bonus that you get some fresh air at the same time.
02:38Well, it's been simultaneously broadcast, of course, live on ITV's Night of Culture.
02:45Is it?
02:46Yes.
02:47Right.
02:48Well, I wasn't aware of that.
02:49Yeah, it is because, you know, doing a whole Shakespeare play live on TV, I mean, that's, you know, it's brave.
02:55It must be nerve-wracking.
02:58Yeah, I'm sure I'll rise to the challenge.
03:01Now, who else is in it?
03:03Oh, there's Una Length, Rob Continental.
03:06Ray Purchase?
03:08There's, oh, and of course, Sue Pressier, who's worked a lot with Stanley Kubrick.
03:12Oh, are you a Kubrick fan?
03:13I wouldn't say I'm a fan, but, er, I did meet him once.
03:17Really?
03:18Mm.
03:19What happened?
03:20Well, it was a long time ago.
03:21Have you got time?
03:22Yeah.
03:23Okay, well, it would have been about 1969, I was doing some cheap pornographic film in Pinewood Studios.
03:31I mean, I don't know if this is of any interest to me.
03:33I could tell they were desperate to catch you.
03:36Name your price, they said.
03:38And I picked the biggest number I could think of.
03:43£5,000.
03:45For a voiceover?
03:46Isn't that terrific?
03:48£5,000?
03:49Yes!
03:50And they said, name your price.
03:52Anything at all.
03:53There were no limits on how high they were willing to go.
03:57Well, why didn't you say £6,000?
04:00Or £600,000?
04:02Or a million pounds?
04:03Or a million million pounds?
04:05Because, at the time, the biggest number I could think of was £5,000.
04:12Anyway, we got the gig.
04:15You're blasted lucky to be getting any voiceover jobs at all.
04:19This tiny chap who sounds just like you is moving in on your patch.
04:24Slightly cheaper.
04:25And infinitely easier to work with.
04:27Yeah, this can't be legal.
04:29Can you not sue him or something?
04:31And talking of suing people, I should be suing you
04:34for failing to mention that this Shakespeare thing's going out live on TV!
04:39Did I not tell you?
04:40Yes.
04:41A night of culture on ITV.
04:44Straight after Emmerdale Farm.
04:46Imagine the viewers!
04:49Jane, I...
04:51I've never done any live television.
04:54What are you talking about?
04:55You did it this morning, you cretin!
04:57What, ten minutes on Lorraine?
04:59And I was half-boozed.
05:01Three hours of intense Shakespeare is a different box of cheese!
05:05Indeed.
05:06Who could forget when dear old Patrick Stewart...
05:09How was Lorraine this morning, anyway? I missed it.
05:14No idea. I was pissed.
05:16Jane, your phone's actually lit up.
05:22I've never seen it do that before.
05:24Very quiet.
05:30This is Jane Plough speaking.
05:34Who am I talking to, please?
05:36What's this in reference to?
05:39Who is it?
05:41Well, I'll have to speak to him myself.
05:44No comment?
05:46Who was that?
05:48Drew may be telling a story about Stanley Kubrick to Lorraine this morning, Toast.
05:53God, I couldn't have been that pissed, could I?
05:56Just answer the question.
05:58I may have told her the story.
06:01The story?
06:06Go on, then.
06:08Well, it's a few years ago now.
06:121969, to be precise.
06:14I was at Pinewood Studios, doing some low-budget film.
06:18Some sex comedy, probably.
06:20Anyway, I smoked a hell of a lot of grass back then, and would frequently not remember what I was doing.
06:27I was supposed to meet someone at stage B, but I foolishly walked into stage D.
06:33I mean, I really was cock of the walk back then.
06:36I mean, I paid no mind to any rules or regs.
06:39I mean, you might call me an easy rider.
06:43Get on with it, Toast.
06:45All right.
06:47Anyway, I wandered through the back door, but failed to notice a large keep-out sign and red recording light as I made my way into the vast film studios.
06:56It could have been something to do with the amount of children in need I was smoking, but the very next thing I knew, I was walking on the moon.
07:06I could even see a couple of astronauts waving at me, and the Apollo 11 space module.
07:11Hey, cut! Hey!
07:13But out of nowhere, a parka-wearing hairy man whom I recognized as Stanley Kubrick slammed me hard against a wall.
07:21Who are you?
07:22He demanded to know who I was.
07:25When I informed him, he berated me in an angry fashion.
07:29If you ever breathe a word about what you've just seen, I guarantee you'll be tracked down and killed.
07:37If I ever hear of you again, you're dead!
07:42And another thing.
07:44After Kubrick had finished berating me, I noticed the stern-looking man in the doorway watching was none other than...
07:51Richard Tricky Dicky Nixon.
07:54Well, how in hell did you know that?
07:56Very lucky guess.
07:58How amazing.
08:00The actual President of the United States.
08:04Know what you've done, don't you, Toast?
08:06No.
08:07On a live television program, watched by possibly millions, you cheerfully admitted to having witnessed something that could not only bring down the US government, but could also destroy the entire world.
08:20Could I use your toilet facilities?
08:26It's no good. These pickled onions are always tricky.
08:40Well, maybe Ray will be able to get it off later.
08:42I very much doubt that.
08:45There.
08:49That looks great.
08:54This whole Kubrick thing, it's the most peculiar business.
08:58You are under enormous pressure at the moment, Toast. Maybe you hallucinated it.
09:04Of course I bloody didn't. You can't hallucinate the past. I know what I saw.
09:08I'm sure it's connected to you doing this Shakespeare in the Park live on TV.
09:12How?
09:13Some kind of nervous reaction related to stage fright is induced to false memory.
09:18It can do odd things.
09:19Who can forget dear old Patrick Stewart?
09:24Hmm. Maybe.
09:26Anyway, where were we?
09:28Oh, you were trying to get the lid off my pickled onions.
09:31Well, maybe I've got some pickled onions on my own that need releasing.
09:34Hmm.
09:35Just such an arsehole.
09:41Can you believe it?
09:42The Moonlanders.
09:43The Moonlanders.
09:44Kubrick.
09:45A breakdown.
09:46Live on the rave.
09:47Unbelievable.
09:48Any sign of Peggy?
09:50Peggy?
09:52I don't think even legendary theatre director Peggy Plywood can help you out of this one, Toast.
09:57Ray bloody purchase.
09:59Anyone got a number for the men in my coats?
10:02Walking on the moon.
10:04Really, Toast?
10:05You trumped yourself this time.
10:07And you chose to have your meltdown live on Lorraine.
10:10Just brilliant.
10:12Shut up, Ray Purchase.
10:13For those with your minds on other things, may I remind you that in 30 hours' time you'll be on stage in one of Shakespeare's greatest plays.
10:23Which is also being broadcast live to the nation on ITV.
10:28Oh, God.
10:29Of course.
10:30Peggy, I'm so sorry if I...
10:31Shut up, Ray Purchase!
10:35Now, I'd like to look at Banquo's entrance again before we do the last dress run.
10:40So sort yourselves out!
10:43Oh, I like this one.
10:54Toast.
11:00Toast!
11:01Me.
11:02Me.
11:03Me.
11:04Me.
11:05Me.
11:06Me.
11:07Me.
11:08Me.
11:09Me.
11:11Me.
11:12Me.
11:13Me.
11:14Me.
11:15Me.
11:16Me.
11:17Jesus Christ, Peggy!
11:18I nearly shat my grey-rehearsal sweatpants!
11:19I can't sleep, Ed. My brain's doing somersaults.
11:22I didn't know this Shakespeare play was going out live on TV.
11:25Of course. Live TV. Always quite...
11:31All right.
11:32I've known a lot of actors lose it when they do drama live on television.
11:35I remember Scott Chestnut once became very racist
11:38just before he did Lear live on BBC Two.
11:40That's right, he did.
11:42Don't worry, Toast.
11:43Most actors would be really scared
11:45about having to do Shakespeare live on television.
11:47Really scared?
11:49I'm not really scared.
11:50Are you sure?
11:51Yes.
11:52Really?
11:52Yes.
11:53Really?
11:55Yes, sir!
11:57And who could forget when dear old Paddy Stewart's...
12:01Paddy.
12:05Toast.
12:06Any sign of them yet?
12:08Who?
12:09The CIA.
12:10That's presumably who Kubrick meant when he said they were going to get us.
12:14Us?
12:16I'm your agent, Toast.
12:17I know too much.
12:18They'll take me out as well.
12:20No, I probably imagined it, Jane.
12:22I mean, I...
12:22We need to be very careful.
12:24Very careful!
12:25I'm going to hang up now.
12:27Phone is probably bugged.
12:29Jane?
12:36Ladies and gentlemen of the cast, this is your one hour call.
12:38One hour, please.
12:41Biscuit?
12:51Um, no thanks.
12:56Patrick Stewart.
12:58Stephen Toast.
12:59Doing drama on live TV.
13:01Patrick hated it.
13:02I'll never forget.
13:03What the hell does that mean?
13:06You don't know.
13:08When Patrick did Hamlet live on BBC Two.
13:11Back in those days, Patrick had a lovely head of hair, a bit like yours, Toast.
13:16But less weird.
13:17So it's all going very well until about the fourth act,
13:20when his hair starts falling out.
13:23First in single hairs, then strands, then whole clumps.
13:27By the time he gets to the castle in the final act, he's as bald as a coat.
13:31You're kidding.
13:32No, there's hair all over the floor.
13:35And all because he was doing Shakespeare live on TV.
13:38God help me.
13:39Yeah, it can affect actors in all kinds of strange ways.
13:43I've seen one chap start talking backwards during a live Corrie.
13:47And Scott Chestnut, he suddenly became very fascist.
13:50No, racist.
13:53Why are you clinging on to this pillar?
13:56I'm not.
13:57And if you don't mind begging,
14:02I'd like to prepare.
14:08Ellen?
14:17Toast!
14:17Oh, glad I caught you, Toast.
14:18I think you may have taken my mobile by mistake.
14:21Oh, yeah. That's all right, Ed. It's right here. I'll just get it.
14:30Ed, your mobile is in fact right in front of me.
14:34But I can't reach it because I can't let go of the pillar.
14:37Can you get hit ASAP?
14:38I think I might have stage fright.
14:46I've never been so frightened in my life.
14:51Never dreamed I'd suffer from stage fright.
14:56Suspected something bad when my face turned white.
15:00It was really in the sheet when I couldn't move my feet.
15:04And I wouldn't recommend being paralyzed.
15:09But the atmosphere of heat is very nice.
15:15Good evening.
15:16Good evening.
15:38Come on, Toast.
15:40You know you want to.
15:41Look, I've got the jar of pickled onions.
15:48Why don't you come over here and unscrew my lid?
16:06OK, thanks, Mrs Purchase. It doesn't seem to be working.
16:09I mean, this is serious, Ed.
16:11You know what kind of sex appetite I have.
16:13I know you do.
16:14But for whatever reason,
16:15you don't seem to be able to break free from that pillar.
16:18OK, you can go now, Mrs P.
16:19Oh, OK, Ed. Sorry I couldn't do more.
16:22Come on, Toast, get into costume.
16:24I want to rehearse the sword fight.
16:25You've not cracked it yet,
16:25and I refuse to look a tom fool on stage.
16:30What are you doing here, darling?
16:31Oh, grow up, Ray.
16:34Are those my pickled onions?
16:35Will you both please leave now?
16:37Are those my pickled onions?
16:38Oh, stop being so childish.
16:40God.
16:40What are you doing in that, Ray?
16:41I'm so honestly, Ray.
16:42Why are you so paranoid all the time?
16:43I'm not paranoid, darling.
16:45This is absolutely fascinating.
16:47A very similar thing happened to Roy Castle on Record Breakers.
16:49He couldn't let go of a fire extinguisher,
16:51and we were told not to touch him in case he had a heart attack.
16:53Oh, God.
16:54Who else knows about this?
16:55Er, Peggy, the cast?
16:57Well, yeah, I mean, well, pretty much.
17:02You couldn't scratch my back for me, could you, Ed?
17:04I can't reach.
17:04Of course, old chap.
17:05It's slightly lower.
17:08There we go.
17:09Oh, yeah.
17:16Toast?
17:17Toast.
17:18Have they tried to kill you yet?
17:20Who?
17:21The Americans, the CIA.
17:23Have they tried to kill you?
17:24No.
17:25That's good.
17:25We need to be extremely careful.
17:28Look, I can't let go.
17:29You can't what?
17:31Can't let go of the pillar.
17:33My God.
17:34They must have drugged you or something.
17:36No, Jane.
17:37I'm pretty sure I've got stage fright.
17:39Nonsense.
17:39The Americans have done this to you because you blabbed about the moon landings.
17:44It's hard for a chap to swallow his pride, Ed, but I'm in the ship.
17:55And you mentioned you knew someone that could possibly help me.
17:57Right.
17:58Well, I hope he's available.
18:00He's the best in the biz.
18:01Well, that's who I need.
18:02Hi.
18:03Yeah, I'm fine.
18:04Yeah.
18:05You're just back from Hollywood.
18:06Fantastic.
18:08Listen, I'm going to need your skills.
18:09You could say it's an emergency.
18:16Because the world's not black and white.
18:18The world's in colour.
18:19That is, uh, that's great, Colin.
18:22No problem, fellas.
18:23Stunning work, Colin, mate.
18:24You got it in one.
18:25I don't see a reason why we should go toasting for another voiceover like ever, ever again.
18:29Exactly.
18:29That's why I bought that.
18:30I mean, Colin's, Colin's just so much cooler.
18:33Yeah, you bet he is.
18:34I mean, steaming toast is just a wanker.
18:37Right, we're going to take a break, yeah?
18:38We are, like, way ahead of schedule.
18:42Get in.
18:47Now, don't be nervous.
18:47Alan is the best.
18:49He has a terrific bedside manner and is very experienced in these situations.
18:52Did you just say Alan?
18:55Where the fuck is he?
18:56You've got to be kidding.
19:01How you doing, boys?
19:03Hi, Alan.
19:03Hi, Alan.
19:05Now then, it tells me that you've lost your bottle.
19:09Thanks, Ed.
19:09Don't you worry, son.
19:11I've cured many actors whose arse has caved in at the last minute.
19:15Roy Castle, Mark Rylance, and I'm just back from Hollywood.
19:19Been doing a lot of work with Meryl Streep and her fear of bells.
19:23It's a bit desperate, Alan.
19:24The curtain goes up and...
19:25Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
19:27All I need you to do is listen to my voice and my voice alone.
19:33And I guarantee we'll have you back on that green gauge in no fucking time at all.
19:38Now then.
19:39Bah, spare me this new age shoeshine.
19:43Look, toast, you better get your act together.
19:46We're on in less than one hour.
19:47I have waited 20 years to play Macduff and I won't let you screw it up for me.
19:51Word is already out about this Kubrick thing.
19:53Everyone thinks you've lost your marbles.
19:55You're a joke.
19:55And if you fuck this up tonight, every actor in London is going to hunt you down
19:59and cut you from arsehole to breakfast time.
20:01Who the fuck is this?
20:03His name's Ray Purchase.
20:05He lives near the Warrington pub, Alan, in Maida Vale.
20:08Nice boozer.
20:09Now you listen to me, Ray Purchase from Maida Vale.
20:14Youse have got two options here, I reckon.
20:16One, you carry on like you was and take a chance that I don't hunt you down
20:20and cut you from arsehole to breakfast time.
20:24Or you can fuck off after apologising to me for putting me off my stroke.
20:30I'm sorry Alan, I was just trying to help.
20:33And to toast.
20:34Really?
20:35Yes!
20:38Sorry toast.
20:39Nah, at this point I need to be alone with my client.
20:44Of course.
20:45So please, Ed, could you take silly bollocks outside?
20:49Ray?
20:49Yeah.
20:52Now then, time to get my tools out.
20:55How's it going, Alan?
21:00Nearly there, son.
21:02Timber!
21:07My voice is in my sword.
21:11Thou bloody a villain than Terms can give me out.
21:23Come on, come on, man, I'm stuck to the phone.
21:28Come on, come on, come on, man.
21:30I'm stuck to the phone.
21:32Oh!
21:47Good reviews for the play, Toast.
22:06Lots of praise for your pillar work.
22:09Stephen Toast's brilliantly inventive Macbeth,
22:12clutching a pillar throughout.
22:13A clever metaphor for the burden of guilt and paranoia
22:16carried by the character.
22:18Apparently they knew.
22:22Toast?
22:23Well done again, Toast.
22:25Sorry about all that CIA nonsense.
22:28I must have got caught up in all your paranoia.
22:31Very unlike me.
22:33Chuff now.
22:33You must be Jane.
22:47Where's Toast?
22:53Great stuff.
22:53Thank you, man.
22:54My pleasure.
22:55Do it again.
22:55One more.
22:56Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:56One more for it.
22:57Go on, then.
22:57My name is Stephen Toast,
23:01and I saw Stanley Kubrick direct the moon landings.
23:04Oh, Stephen.
23:06Ciao.
23:06The world'll be...
23:07So care.
23:19So take my head,
23:22You look too far from here.
23:27No, I don't know you,
23:30You don't know me.
23:31I just had to talk to you
23:35Using some sacred hands
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