- 4 months ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00I can't... I can't hear you. Press the button.
00:13I can't hear you. Press the button, you donut.
00:16I can't hear you.
00:17It's Clem Fandango. Can you hear me?
00:19Yeah, obviously, if you press the button.
00:21What's your problem? You've only worked here for three years.
00:23Temper-temper, Stephen.
00:24Don't you temper-temper me, boy. Just do your job.
00:27Okay, Stephen. Now, the client was very, very specific
00:30about the style of the read and the pronunciation of some of the words.
00:33Clem's got it all in front of him. We'll take it from here.
00:35All right.
00:36Hello, Stephen. This is Clem Fandango. Can you hear me?
00:38You are a fucking star, aren't you?
00:41Yes!
00:42Okay, so this is important. The client has expressed that he'd really like you to...
00:45Oh, fucking hell. You've done it again, you cunt.
00:47Press the button.
00:49I can't hear you unless you push the button.
00:54Stephen, this is Clem Fandango. Can you hear me?
00:55I dare you to say that one more time.
00:58Yes, I can hear you. Can you hear me?
01:01Yeah, well, then keep your finger on the fucking button.
01:03I didn't catch a word of that, all right?
01:05And I need to hear, again, exactly how that client wants me to say this script.
01:09Okay, Stephen, so this is important.
01:11The client has expressed that he'd really like you to stress certain words within the script.
01:14Okay.
01:15And the words he'd like you to stress are la...
01:16...
01:17...
01:22...
01:52It's a little inappropriate at the breakfast table, Davison.
02:09Maybe you could do it in your room.
02:10All right, all right.
02:12Also, this winemaking equipment, there's rather a lot of it.
02:15Yeah, what the hell is it?
02:22Try this toast.
02:30It's splendid.
02:31Bloody hell, Davison.
02:32It's not even eight o'clock yet.
02:35All right.
02:36You're meant to sip it.
02:48What the hell is that?
02:49I call it the Black Death.
02:51It's just got that extra edge.
02:5325% proof.
02:54You could clean the car with that, Davison.
02:56You can't give this to anyone.
02:57You'll kill them.
02:58And could you do the washing up, Davison, old chap?
03:00It's your turn.
03:01Good God, Ed.
03:02All right.
03:04Do you mind if I have a Jimmy Riddle first?
03:06Is that okay?
03:12I'm sorry, Ed, but Davison's really starting to get on my pip.
03:15Mine too.
03:16He's constantly complaining.
03:18Said earlier that the towels weren't soft enough.
03:20That's nonsense.
03:22That new fabric conditioner we've been using
03:23has left the towels delightfully soft and fluffy.
03:25I know, but they're not good enough for Davison.
03:28Why is he even here?
03:30Well, his wife kicked him out after she caught him on the job.
03:32Ha!
03:33Who is?
03:34Young dancer, northerner, rough, visceral type.
03:37Not someone you'd expect at all, but, you know, love is strange.
03:40Yeah.
03:41Talking of which, how's it going with, what's her name?
03:45Penelope?
03:46No, Pen-val-oop.
03:47Pen-val-oop?
03:48Yes.
03:49Unusual name.
03:50Looks like Penelope when it's written down,
03:52but there's a V stuck in there.
03:53Anyway, I just call her Pen.
03:55What's up, Toast?
04:00It's nothing.
04:02I just haven't had any action for a while.
04:04Not like you, Toast.
04:05I know.
04:06You know, it doesn't do a chap good to be out of practice.
04:09I'm glad it's going well with you, and what's her name?
04:12Pen-val-oop.
04:12Yeah.
04:13You know, she was a finalist in that really famous
04:15international beauty contest for women they had in the 70s.
04:18Really?
04:18Is that contest still going?
04:19I believe so.
04:21But, sadly, due to the rise of feminism,
04:23many of these contests have been driven underground.
04:25Terrible shame.
04:27My father, actually, was on the judging panel in 1972.
04:30Well, now that is a coincidence.
04:32My father was on the judging panel that year, too.
04:34Well, we've seen all the girls.
04:42Let's move straight away now over to our judges.
04:45And first, we've got the entrepreneur, Rupert Hauser Black,
04:48who made his fortune from the whiskers' cab food.
04:51So, Rupert, which one of our gorgeous, beautiful ladies
04:55could lick your saucer clean?
04:58Well, it's very hard to choose, Dennis,
05:00but I'd have to say that Miss Fiji performed extremely strongly
05:03in the swimwear section, which, as you know,
05:06is a highly competitive part of the contest,
05:08and I thought she did very, very well.
05:10Thank you, Rupert.
05:11Moving on now to Colonel Gonville-Tos.
05:14Good evening to you.
05:15Colonel, what do you fancy?
05:17Well, I think Miss Portugal might just shade it for me
05:19due to the amount of time that she donates to charity.
05:22And I'll make sure I give her a handsome donation
05:26of my own after the show.
05:29I'm sure you will.
05:32How's your donation going, Toast?
05:35Oh, yes!
05:48And what's that, Toast?
05:49It's a text from Jane.
05:52What's it about?
06:01Well, Jane's had a text from the organisers
06:02of the International Beauty Contest for Women
06:05asking if I'd like to judge at this year's event.
06:09Oh, I've also had a text from the organisers
06:11of the International Beauty Contest for Women.
06:13They want me to be a judge at this year's event, too.
06:16Yeah, we can go together.
06:18I don't know, Ed.
06:19Beauty contests?
06:20They're a bit passé.
06:22They're a bit yesterday's bread.
06:24They're a bit eggnog.
06:26Could be fun, though.
06:27Tell you what, Toast, I'm seeing Penvalope tonight
06:29and she's bringing a friend along.
06:30Would you like to come?
06:31Pen says that you might fancy her
06:32because she's a weather girl off the television.
06:34A weather girl?
06:36I love weather girls.
06:37I know you do.
06:38Which one is she?
06:39Sky News?
06:39Itv?
06:41Al Jazeera?
06:45She's called Clancy Moped.
06:47I think she works on a specialist weather channel.
06:49Then count me in.
06:51Even if I don't go to have sex with her,
06:53at least I'll know what next week's weather's going to be like.
07:00Toast, this is Penvalope.
07:02She prefers to be called Pen for short.
07:03Hello.
07:04Hello.
07:04And this is Clancy Moped.
07:09Hello.
07:10I'm Stephen Toast.
07:12Hello.
07:13Well, this is a nice restaurant, isn't it?
07:15Lebanese, I believe?
07:17Lebonese.
07:17Oh, not Lebanese.
07:19No, Lebonese.
07:20Remember Toast, you once went to a Lebanese restaurant
07:23because you thought it had something to do with lesbians?
07:27Lebon is a small country in the Middle East.
07:30The weather there is actually quite mild.
07:32Oh, Ed tells me you're a weather girl.
07:35Is it that obvious?
07:38I love the weather.
07:40Well, you must know a lot about it.
07:43So what's the weather like in South Africa this time of year, par exemple?
07:48Temperatures in South Africa tend to be a lot lower
07:50than other countries of similar latitudes, such as Australia,
07:54due mainly to the greater elevation above sea level.
07:58On the interior plateau, the altitude keeps...
08:01There is, however, a striking contrast between temperatures
08:05on the country's east and west coasts,
08:08due respectively to the warmer ghoulas
08:10and cold Benguela currents that sweep the coastlines.
08:14Fascinating.
08:15I hope I'm not boring you.
08:17Not at all.
08:19Not at all.
08:20I do tend to go on about the weather a lot.
08:23That and feminism.
08:25Are you an active feminist?
08:26Oh, very much so, yes.
08:28Mm, I love feminism.
08:30And I love women.
08:32They're an inspiration to us all.
08:34I mean, you'll never see a sculpture of a dog or a monkey in an art gallery.
08:37Always the bust of a beautiful woman.
08:40Ha-ha!
08:40I just need to...
08:43Of course you do.
08:45Pen?
08:46Yeah, I think she probably needs to go, too.
08:48Do you want to come with me?
08:49What do you think of Penvalope, eh, Toast?
08:56Former finalist at the world's most prestigious beauty contest.
08:59But from what year?
09:011956, I think.
09:02Can't believe my luck.
09:05She looks like she's had a massive stroke.
09:07A massive stroke of good luck for me, I'd say.
09:09Well, that class is just my type.
09:11She may bang on about the weather a bit,
09:13but she's a cracker and no-mustacker.
09:15I'm gonna get the bill
09:16and try and wangle my way back to her place.
09:19Toast, what the hell do you think I'm doing?
09:21Stop it.
09:21What?
09:22That gesture you just made to the waiter.
09:24What?
09:24This indicating I want the bill.
09:26Everyone knows what that means.
09:27No, no, no, no.
09:27In their country, that gesture means
09:29I want to, you know, your mother.
09:31What?
09:33What is your problem, man?
09:35What?
09:36Why you make the
09:37I want to fuck your mother gesture?
09:39I didn't.
09:39It was getting the bill.
09:41Hey, hey, hey.
09:41Get out.
09:42What?
09:43Get out.
09:45And you can forget the bill.
09:46I don't want your fucking money.
09:49Best leave now, Toast.
09:51What about the ladies?
09:51Just leave now.
09:56Masud, show them the fucking door.
09:58What the fuck are we watching?
10:18It's the state funeral of Winston Churchill
10:21and happens to be a favourite piece of archive footage
10:24of mine and Ed's.
10:25Oh, splendid.
10:26Have I missed much?
10:28Where have they got to?
10:29No, you're right, Ed.
10:30We're still at Whitehall,
10:31just coming up to the Strand.
10:33Are you two for fucking real?
10:35You fucking prick dickheads.
10:37Wanking, fucking boring arsehole shithouses.
10:41Turn it off, man.
10:43Fuck's sake.
10:44It's got to be something better on.
10:45She's got a point, Ed.
10:47You're not going to watch the whole thing, are you?
10:48I'm sorry, but Toast and I always watch this footage
10:51on the great man's birthday.
10:52And you, Davison, and your lady friend
10:54are ruining it for us.
10:55Thought you old actors were meant to be fucking hellraisers.
10:59It's like being round at me nan and fucking grandpas.
11:04Right, I'm off.
11:06Apparently, in their country,
11:09this means something quite rude.
11:12So we had to get out of the restaurant pretty sharpish.
11:15Anyway, I was wondering if you would like to go for a drink with me.
11:19Well, that would be delightful.
11:21OK.
11:22All the best, and I'll see you then.
11:25Yes!
11:29I have to say, I have no interest in pop music whatsoever.
11:33Me neither.
11:35Although I do like some groups.
11:36Who?
11:37Weather Report, Snow Patrol, Earth, Wind and Fire,
11:41especially the wind bit.
11:42Oh, and my favourite song is Singing in the Rain.
11:45Is it?
11:46I don't know that one, but it sounds delightful.
11:49These, uh, Pussy Riot fellas, are they a group?
11:52I'm wearing the T-shirt because I think
11:54what Pussy Riot are doing is really important.
11:56I'm fully behind their radical feminist agenda
11:59and I'll always turn out to support them if I can.
12:02Me too.
12:03Do you know what a feminist looks like?
12:05What?
12:06This.
12:06LAUGHTER
12:07OK, this date.
12:13Would you say things are blowing hot or cold?
12:16What would your forecast be?
12:19I would say hot.
12:21LAUGHTER
12:21So would I.
12:23What's that we finish these drinks and go back to your place?
12:26Yes.
12:31Very nice.
12:33Care for a drink?
12:34Uh, a glass of red wine, please.
12:36Large or small?
12:37Large, I think.
12:38This is a very weather-themed room.
12:52I was just admiring your charming selection of snow globes.
12:57Oh, toast.
13:00You must have this one as a gift.
13:02That's very kind.
13:03It may be cold outside, but I am very hot.
13:12Oh, you're a smooth talker, toast.
13:15But I have something to tell you.
13:17I've never been much good at romance.
13:20I think that's why I try to stick to the weather.
13:23It's a very British thing.
13:24We can't talk about our emotions, so we talk about the weather.
13:26When I'm in love, I just fall apart.
13:31I don't know what to do.
13:32I lose focus.
13:34Even my hearing goes a bit off.
13:37Well, don't worry about bat shit.
13:38Why would I worry about bat shit?
13:40No, not bat shit.
13:41That shit.
13:42Sorry, I'm completely losing it now.
13:44It's all because I love...
13:47Oh, I can't.
13:50You're the only man I've ever met.
13:51I can't be the only man you've ever met.
13:53Who doesn't mind me blathering on about feminism topics or the weather?
13:58I don't mind at all.
14:01As the warmth of the day makes way for the cool embrace of the night,
14:07let us throw caution to the wind.
14:12Oh, that's lovely.
14:23Well, I thoroughly enjoyed that.
14:30Are you free tomorrow?
14:34She is lovely and the sex is superb.
14:38Straight down to it, over in seconds.
14:40A quick park.
14:41A quick park.
14:42No foreplay.
14:43Just the way the ladies like it.
14:45Anyway, I got a split.
14:47Got a bloody voiceover.
14:48Shouldn't take too long.
14:49And I'm seeing the lovely classy.
14:51Where the outlook looks very promising indeed.
14:54You think so?
14:55Yeah.
15:01So if your broadband connection is slowing you down,
15:04try Thunderbolt.
15:05Ultra fast broadband.
15:08Okay.
15:08Stephen.
15:09Toast!
15:10I couldn't wait until tonight to see you.
15:13I think you're top class.
15:15Can't see!
15:16Can't see!
15:16Damn this class for getting in the way of our loves!
15:36Sorry, Stephen.
15:37Really do need to crack on with this broadband voiceover.
15:41Won't be long.
15:42Hmm.
15:46Go back to your flat, Clancy.
15:48And break open the champagne.
15:49I'll be right with you after I've dealt with these two...
15:52...weiss holes.
15:58Are we rolling?
16:00So if your broadband connection is slowing you down,
16:03try Thunderbolt Ultra Fast Broadband.
16:08Just one more.
16:09So if your broadband connection is slowing you down,
16:26try Thunderbolt Ultra Fast Broadband.
16:32One more.
16:33Good morning, Emma.
16:42Good morning, Emma.
16:43Fucking tool.
16:50And Davison, the washing up really needs to be done.
16:53Yes, I'll do it.
16:55We just need to make another batch of wine first.
16:58Fucking top shit.
17:00Right, we're off to Boots, get some more bottles and gear.
17:02And don't forget...
17:03The washing up!
17:05Yes!
17:09Thank goodness we're getting out of here for the beauty contest today.
17:13Some relief from those two.
17:15Yeah.
17:16Shit, the weather's on.
17:17I need to see Clancy.
17:19I missed her last night.
17:21Those idiots at Scramble Studios made me work late.
17:25There'll be a cold front coming in from...
17:28somewhere.
17:31It'll be freezing.
17:35I don't know what I'm doing today.
17:37Mm-hmm.
17:39See,
17:40my toasty said that he would call round last night
17:44and then didn't turn up.
17:47Oh.
17:48The weather is so unimportant.
17:54No, no, no, Clancy.
17:56Don't do that.
17:58I think I'm in love.
18:00Oh, dear.
18:01The poor girl seems to be somewhat distressed.
18:03That's because she's in love with me.
18:05I mean, who could blame her?
18:06I'm feeling hot, but it's cold outside.
18:17Weather's changeable, but I don't mind.
18:22A gift from God sent from heaven above.
18:26You could be right when you say I'm in love.
18:30I'm in love.
18:31I'm in love.
18:32I'm in love.
18:34He's in love.
18:35He's in love.
18:36He's in love.
18:39I'm in love.
18:40I'm in love.
18:41I'm in love.
18:43He's in love.
18:44He's in love.
18:46He's in love.
18:57Oh.
18:58That'll be the car for the beauty contest.
19:00Why are we going so early?
19:01Oh, I imagine there'll be a luncheon
19:03or some lavish reception beforehand.
19:05All right.
19:10Eat a natural beauty contest?
19:12Yes.
19:13Yeah, jump in then.
19:14Money left to get in the back.
19:15No.
19:17No, you've got to be kidding.
19:18Where the hell are we going?
19:43We've been traveling for six hours.
19:45I'm freezing.
19:45Yes, Draver.
19:47Where exactly are we going?
19:48I can't tell you that, mate.
19:49The feminists might find out.
19:51Then we'll have a shitstorm, won't we?
19:54Actually, we are a bit early.
19:56I might pull the lamp out.
19:57Is that OK?
19:58Lamp?
19:59What lamp?
20:00Lamping for rabbits in that field over there.
20:02Look.
20:02Here I am.
20:03Come on.
20:04You shoot, right?
20:05I'll lamp and pick up.
20:06Nice.
20:06What the hell?
20:22Oh, Jesus.
20:26Answer your phone, Ed.
20:27What the hell is going on?
20:29Sorry, you toast.
20:42I used to hold these things in the Dorchester.
20:46Right, gentlemen.
20:46I think we should get started as soon as possible, don't you?
20:49Now, wait a minute.
20:50Where's the organizer?
20:51We should talk to him.
20:52I'm the organizer, mate.
20:53Vic Titbold.
20:54Thanks for agreeing to judge this year's contest.
20:57I know you said these beauty contests have been driven underground.
21:00This is ridiculous.
21:01It's more like a dogfight.
21:03Right.
21:03Let's get the girls in.
21:05Oh, the girls.
21:06Where are they?
21:07They're outside in a van.
21:09Because it's a bit cramped in here, we're going to do them in batches of three.
21:12Yes, beautiful ladies.
21:19Miss Bulgaria.
21:20Miss Romania.
21:22And Miss...
21:23Where are you from again, darling?
21:24Albania.
21:25Albania, of course.
21:27Ah, the swimwear ride.
21:33Look, I'm getting out of here, Ed.
21:35This is bullshit.
21:36Are you coming?
21:42Who are they?
21:45Tussie, Brian.
21:53Clancy!
21:56Toast!
21:58It's not what it seems!
22:03History repeating itself, it would appear.
22:05Toast.
22:05Clancy was furious.
22:07I'm truly heartbroken, Ed.
22:09It's all over now.
22:10Such a shame.
22:11Have you seen Davison and Emma?
22:14Are they back yet?
22:16Davison still hasn't done the washing up.
22:18I haven't seen them, Ed.
22:20Maybe they're in their room.
22:32I don't think Davison's in a fit state to do the washing up, Ed.
22:36All right.
22:37It's just you and me, then.
22:39I don't know you, but you don't know me.
22:41I just had to talk to you.
22:46So take my hand.
22:48That's fun.
22:48It's too far from you.
22:49No, I don't know you.
22:51You don't know me.
22:52I just had to talk to you.
22:56See?
22:56So take my hand.
22:58It's a love that's not too far from you
23:02No, I don't know you, you don't know me
23:06I just had to talk to you
23:09See, so take my hand
Comments