- 10 hours ago
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00:00mind the gap mind the gap hello uh steven uh could you do a quicker one
00:14mind the gap uh hello again uh how about doing a funky one
00:20what does that even mean who the are you anyway sorry steven let me introduce mayor
00:26of london boris johnson of course right steven um maybe try a couple of the traditional readings
00:33again where you emphasize the word mind and the word gap yeah all right are we rolling hi steven
00:39this is clem fandango can you hear me yes i can hear you clem fandango so like the traditional
00:44delivery steven where you hit the word mind and the word gap yeah thanks for clearing that up clem
00:48all part of the service steven hello uh i've just had a thought could you leave quite a long gap
00:54between the words the and gap mind the
01:06gap let's have some fun try an even longer gap between those words
01:17mind the
01:24one
01:36one
01:37one
01:48What's your poor name?
02:18Posh Dong Minj Muncher.
02:20That's your poor name, is it?
02:22Yes.
02:23So Posh Dong was the name of your first pet,
02:25and Minj Muncher was your mother's maiden name.
02:28Sorry?
02:29Well, that's how you come up with your poor name.
02:31You combine the name of your first pet with your mother's maiden name.
02:35I haven't a clue what you're talking about, Toast.
02:41Football.
02:42What's this, Ed?
02:43Oh, that's the application form
02:45for the Prostitutes and Celebrities Blow Football Tournament.
02:48A blow football?
02:49That's where people blow those tiny footballs around
02:51with straws in their mouths?
02:52Yes.
02:53The tournament's organised by my show business charity,
02:55The River Rats.
02:56It raises money for good causes,
02:58and this year I think it's for homeless ponies.
03:00Ah.
03:01So who takes part?
03:02Actors and prostitutes?
03:04Well, technically, celebrities and prostitutes.
03:06We get the odd footballer, but ironically,
03:08they're not actually very good at blow football.
03:10Do they team you up with a prostitute,
03:11or do you have to bring your own?
03:13I always bring my own.
03:14And why don't you take part, Toast?
03:16Tremendous fun.
03:17You must know some prostitutes.
03:19How about that purchased woman you're having an affair with?
03:21She's one, isn't she?
03:22Well, she is, but she's also a very strong feminist.
03:25I think she'd find the whole thing quite un-PC.
03:28No-one took a blind bit of notice
03:30when Arthur Askey and Tommy Cooper started back in the 60s,
03:33but nowadays would get up the noses
03:35of those women's livers and killjoys of the BBC.
03:38Blow football with prostitutes.
03:39This sounds right up my room.
03:41Can I fill this in?
03:42Excellent.
03:43Could be good publicity for you, too.
03:45Why don't you ask Mrs P?
03:47Is she still with her husband?
03:48What's his name, um, Roy?
03:50Ray.
03:51Ray bloody Purchase.
03:53What's he doing these days?
03:55The man's penis is then inserted into the other man's anus.
04:02This is most unnatural.
04:04A man's penis is meant to go into a lady's vagina,
04:09not another man's anus.
04:12Hair, hair.
04:13Very good.
04:14That is the end of today's lecture.
04:22I have to say, Swivney,
04:24that was a great talk.
04:26The gays have had it all their own way
04:27for far too long in this country.
04:29It really is super
04:31that you have the bottle
04:32to come here and tell it like it is.
04:34Yes.
04:35Thank you, Ray Purchase.
04:37I know we both uphold this rampant bomb banditry
04:41I see everywhere in your country.
04:44Now, I'm meeting some anti-gay friends of mine
04:48in the local pub.
04:49Would you like to come along?
04:50Oh, yes.
04:51That sounds exactly like my idea of a great night out.
04:56Don't touch me.
05:03I'm home, my darling.
05:08Had a few drinks.
05:10I was swiveling in the anti-gays.
05:12They want me to help them inform people
05:15of the dangers of homosex.
05:17But in an entertaining way.
05:19Really?
05:20Actually, I'd rather not know about it.
05:22It reeks of homophobia.
05:23Nonsense.
05:24You know what you're talking about?
05:26Oh, God, I've got a skinful.
05:29Then I look forward to you snoring really loudly.
05:31Snoring?
05:32Snoring?
05:33I've never snoring in my entire...
05:42Trost, don't you even bother to knock anymore?
06:04Where's your soppy husband?
06:05He's here, actually. In the bed.
06:09Looks dead.
06:10He's probably just hung over.
06:11He went to an anti-gay lecture given by Nick Swivney.
06:14That idiot.
06:15Everybody got pissed in the pub afterwards.
06:17Let's not talk. Let's just do it.
06:38Yes.
06:38Ed was talking to me about some celebrity and prostitute blow football tournament.
06:46Yes. Ray's asked me to partner him this year. It's happening soon, isn't it?
06:49So you know about it?
06:50Mm-hmm.
06:51Well, I was hoping you'd partner me.
06:52Oh, it's just, Ray and I, our marriage hasn't been great recently. I think this could bring us together more. I mean, I know a celebrity and prostitute's blow football tournament is frightfully un-PC, but I think my marriage should come first.
07:07I can get you the name of a few prostitutes, if you like.
07:09Okay. I have to say, I would quite like to win this tournament. As you know, I'm fiercely competitive in everything I do.
07:15This is a bit weird, Mrs. P. I'd like to go.
07:26Oh, my God.
07:56I'm fiercely competitive in everything I do. I'm just worried it might be a little un-PC.
08:01Not like you to think like that, Toast.
08:03It isn't, is it? It's almost like I turned into your friend Ben Elton.
08:07Or Gary Barlow.
08:10Who?
08:12Do you like Charles Dickens?
08:14Dickens? Yes, of course.
08:15And offers come in.
08:16To play Dickens?
08:17Yes. Would you like to play Dickens?
08:19Does Frank Boff like to party?
08:21What?
08:22Yeah, I'd love to play Dickens.
08:24No-one's done him properly.
08:26Callow tried in his one-man show, but he was too camp.
08:29Not like Dickens at all.
08:30He was more like Larry Grayson or...
08:33I'll find out some more details.
08:41Toast?
08:43Ah, Mrs. Purchase.
08:45Where are you?
08:46All right, I'll be right there.
08:48That was Mrs. Purchase.
08:50She's got some suggestions for prostitutes to partner me in the tournament.
08:53It's in a place called Springley's on the Fulham Road.
08:58Springley's? I don't know it.
09:00Is it a gentleman's club?
09:02Ah.
09:13Ah.
09:14There you are.
09:15Sorry, I'm late.
09:15To me, ages to find this place.
09:17I thought it was a club or fine bar.
09:20Hop in.
09:20Now, I've been looking at these.
09:25Now, that's Lola.
09:26She is a really nice prostitute.
09:29Paige.
09:30I mean, she's a great prostitute.
09:32Ruby.
09:33One of the best prostitutes around.
09:34Yes.
09:35Are any of these prostitutes good at blow football?
09:37What?
09:38Well, Ed says you're not allowed to have sex with the prostitutes during the tournament,
09:42so I may as well go with the one that's the best at blow football.
09:45Oh, you want Wendy Nook?
09:46Who?
09:47Wendy Nook.
09:48Yeah, she's a great prostitute.
09:49Probably the best one at blow football.
09:51Fantastic.
09:52Should I give her a call?
09:55Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
09:58I must say, you're looking very nice today, Mrs. P.
10:02Yes.
10:04Very nice.
10:07Oh!
10:09Ooh!
10:10Come on!
10:12Oh!
10:13Oh!
10:14Oh!
10:15Hang on.
10:16My balls are about to fizz.
10:20Are you sure, Jane?
10:22Yes, yes.
10:23You look exactly like Dickens.
10:25But are you sure I have to dress like him for the audition?
10:28I think it shows great attention to detail on their part.
10:32They're even sending a driver to pick you up.
10:34Mm-mm.
10:35Not from here, unfortunately, but it shows they're keen.
10:39Hmm.
10:40You still want to play Dickens, don't you?
10:43Of course.
10:44Well, good.
10:45What the hell is this?
10:58Something's wrong here, Jane.
11:00Something's very, very wrong.
11:01Yes, sorry, Toast.
11:03There possibly has been a misunderstanding here.
11:06The finer details may have been on the attachment,
11:08and I rarely read attachments.
11:11They think I'm a tour guide.
11:12I presumed you were being picked up and taken to the audition.
11:17N-no, no.
11:17They think I'm a tour guide.
11:19So, you don't want to be a tour guide?
11:22Of course I don't want to be a bloody tour guide, Jane.
11:24I'm an actor.
11:26Is there a pension scheme with tour guides?
11:29Anyone there you could talk to about that?
11:31Is-is there a what?
11:33Pension.
11:35Acting's a shaky profession, Toast,
11:37and there'll come a time fairly soon
11:39when you won't be able to act any more.
11:41This could be an opportunity for you.
11:43I'm not a tour guide, Jane.
11:45I'm an actor.
11:46We all have to take our last bow at some point, Toast.
11:49We've had our fun over the years,
11:51but this could be a dignified way out.
11:53I'm just...
11:54I'm looking at the long-term option.
11:57What?
11:57And end up as a tour guide?
11:59Um, yes.
12:02Jane, that's probably the worst idea you've ever had,
12:04and if I wasn't such a nice guy,
12:06I'd tell you to stick it up your kind.
12:08How dare you talk to me like that?
12:09And don't make that face.
12:11If I were you, Sunshine,
12:13I'd learn the tour guide ropes
12:15because I have a feeling you'll be back, cap in hand.
12:17Do you just drive around all day, do you?
12:24Yeah.
12:26Your job satisfaction must be nil.
12:28I'd probably throw myself in the Thames.
12:32Whoa!
12:33You can't get on here.
12:34It's a tourist bus.
12:35That's what I want.
12:36I want a tour of the London.
12:37Well, then you need to go to Piccadilly Circus.
12:39No.
12:40I have a tourist ticket which allows me on tour.
12:42Look, best letter on.
12:43I can't be doing with the arseache.
12:45He says go up.
12:49Better go up, then.
12:50Keep an eye on her.
12:50Why?
12:52A lot of them piss on the bus.
12:53Really?
12:54Yeah.
12:55They should keep an eye on them.
12:56They piss on the bus.
12:57You know what people are like.
12:58Leave your sight for one second,
12:59they're going to start acting up.
13:01Better go upstairs, keep an eye on her.
13:03Look, I'm not a tour guide.
13:04I'm a bloody actor.
13:06Oh, you know.
13:07Look, do us a favour, mate.
13:08Anything that happens, it's me what's going to wear it, innit?
13:12God.
13:13What's that?
13:22I don't know.
13:23I'm an actor.
13:24I'm not a tour guide.
13:25If you don't tell me about the sights,
13:26I will tell you both that you touched me.
13:28You'll do what?
13:29Yes.
13:29I will scream, help, he's touched me,
13:31and then you go on sex offenders list.
13:34Help!
13:35He's touching me!
13:36All right, all right.
13:39God.
13:41There's a council house.
13:42Use megaphone, please.
13:44There's a council house.
13:47There's a lamppost.
13:49Uh, that looks like an abattoir.
13:51Some historic facts, please.
13:54God knows.
13:55Um, London was built in the 13th century.
13:59It's mostly made of straw.
14:01And then a great fire came and knackered the lot.
14:05And Dick Whittington is considered to have been a very popular Lord Mayor.
14:10I dread to think what he'd make of modern London, what with his gay marriages and all.
14:15Ray bloody purchase.
14:19Toast.
14:20What the hell are you doing on that bus?
14:22Is that Nick Swivney?
14:24It's the Beefeater Anti-Gay Tour of London.
14:27Can't you read?
14:28How pathetic.
14:30Who are you meant to be?
14:31Gandhi.
14:32What?
14:33No, I'm Charles Dickens, you're burk.
14:35Never mind that.
14:36What the hell were you doing asking my wife to partner you in the Celebrity and Prostitutes
14:41Blow Football Tournament?
14:42Well, your wife's a prostitute.
14:44You shut your mouth, Toast.
14:45My wife's not a prostitute.
14:47Well, not in the conventional sense.
14:49Oh, come on, Burgess.
14:50Everyone in London knows your wife's a prostitute.
14:53You take that back, Toast.
14:54That's a slur.
14:55Bloody slur.
14:56No, it isn't.
14:57Only difference is, she doesn't do it for money.
14:59Unless it's with you.
15:01She's not a prostitute.
15:02Yeah?
15:03Well, then what the shit is that?
15:04Bye-bye, Burgess.
15:19Excuse me.
15:20Yeah?
15:21Are you Wendy Nook?
15:22It's 60 for our job, 80 for a blow job, and 95 for the full kahuna.
15:26No, I understand you play blow football.
15:28It's another tenner for blow football.
15:31How did you get that?
15:33I fell out of a tree.
15:34I'm Stephen Toast.
15:37Mrs Purchase gave me your name.
15:39Said you were the best in the business.
15:40I mean where blow football's concerned.
15:42Do you want to play afterwards or before, boy?
15:44No, no, you misunderstand.
15:46I'm not interested in the other.
15:48I want to win the River Rats Celebrity and Prostitute Blow Football Tournament.
15:51And I want you to be my partner.
15:54What's in it for me?
15:55It's for a good cause.
15:56Yeah?
15:57What?
15:58Homeless ponies.
16:00Oh.
16:02Really?
16:03Yes.
16:03You're telling me they're homeless ponies?
16:06Yes.
16:06God almighty.
16:08That's dreadful.
16:11A very touching plight.
16:13And it's really quite sad.
16:17I'm in.
16:19Yes.
16:19Yes.
16:30Oh.
16:31Yes.
16:32Ah, Toast.
16:33Ed, this is.
16:34Posh Don.
16:37What?
16:37You two know each other?
16:38Oh, not that I recall.
16:40Hi, Posh.
16:41Hi, Posh.
16:42Mm.
16:43Toast, this is Fifi.
16:45Hi there.
16:46Who the hell are these celebrities?
16:47I don't recognise anyone.
16:49Yeah, me neither.
16:50I'm told they're mostly stand-up comedians and X-Factor runners-up.
16:53So, it's all for a good cause.
16:55Ray.
16:59Toast, Ray Purchase.
17:01Hi, everyone.
17:03We're going to win.
17:04You know that, don't you, Toast?
17:06I wouldn't be so certain, Purchase.
17:07Oh, I've never lost a game of blow football in my life.
17:10And I'm certainly not going to lose to you.
17:12In fact, you know what?
17:13I'm so confident we're going to win, that if we don't, I'll...
17:17Do whatever I ask you.
17:19What?
17:20If you lose, you'll do whatever I ask of you.
17:24Well, come on, if you're so bloody sure of yourself.
17:26Oh, I'm so bloody sure of myself, Toast.
17:28Okay, so if you lose, you'll do whatever I ask you to.
17:31However disgusting or degrading, whatever I ask you to.
17:36Yes.
17:37Ha!
17:38You heard him, everyone.
17:39Yes!
17:39But we are definitely, definitely not going to lose.
17:43Ray, are you sure this is wise?
17:45Sorry, darling.
17:46You know exactly what I'm doing.
17:48It's without any risk whatsoever.
17:50Because we will win this tournament.
17:54So what happens next, Ed?
17:55Well, Toast, you're Team A,
17:57and you're drawn against Team D,
17:58who are Ralph Fiennes and his partner Thumper,
18:01who are over there.
18:02Ralph.
18:03The first team to get to ten goals,
18:05wins, and qualifies for the next round
18:07on a simple knockout basis.
18:08Excellent.
18:08Are you ready, Wendy?
18:10Brilliant.
18:11Brilliant.
18:13Yay!
18:15Woo!
18:19Yay!
18:21Woo!
18:21Woo!
18:21Woo!
18:21Woo!
18:22Woo!
18:22Woo!
18:22Woo!
18:23Woo!
18:24Woo!
18:24Woo!
18:25Woo!
18:26Woo!
18:27Woo!
18:28Woo!
18:29Woo!
18:30Woo!
18:31Woo!
18:32Woo!
18:34Woo!
18:34And so we have a very exciting final in prospect
18:36between Team A, Toast, and Wendy Nook.
18:39Woo!
18:39Woo!
18:40Woo!
18:41And Team E, Mr. and Mrs. Ray Purchase.
18:43Woo!
18:44Woo!
18:45Let's see who are this year's prostitutes and celebrities
18:47blow football champions.
18:49Woo!
18:49Woo!
18:50Woo!
18:50Woo!
18:51Woo!
18:51Woo!
18:52Woo!
18:52Woo!
18:53Woo!
18:54Woo!
18:55Woo!
18:56Woo!
18:57Woo!
18:58Woo!
18:59Woo!
19:00Woo!
19:01Woo!
19:02Woo!
19:03Woo!
19:04Woo!
19:05Woo!
19:06Woo!
19:07Woo!
19:08Woo!
19:09Woo!
19:10Woo!
19:11Woo!
19:12Woo!
19:13Woo!
19:14Woo!
19:15Woo!
19:16Woo!
19:17Woo!
19:18Woo!
19:19Woo!
19:20Woo!
19:21Woo!
19:22Woo!
19:23Woo!
19:24Woo!
19:25Woo!
19:26Woo!
19:27Woo!
19:28Woo!
19:29Woo!
19:30Woo!
19:31No, no, no, no!
19:41Yes!
19:43Yes, yes!
19:45Yes, I told you, Toast. We are the champions.
19:50Suck on that, Sidonie!
19:53Ah, just a moment, Ralph Fiennes wants a word.
19:56What's this about?
20:01Um, Ray Fiennes has told me something.
20:03What did he say, Ed?
20:04He tells me that Mrs Purchase isn't really a prostitute.
20:08Yes, she is!
20:09That's not what you said on that bus, Purchase.
20:12My wife's not a prostitute.
20:13That's what you said the whole of London heard you.
20:16Oh, Ray, you're sweet. I'm really tough.
20:19I said not in the conventional sense.
20:21She doesn't get paid for it, but she's eligible for this, surely.
20:23Let's not forget that we're all here to raise money for homeless ponies.
20:28That's the main thing.
20:29Oh, I'm sorry, Purchase. She doesn't get paid for her services,
20:32so she is not strictly a prostitute.
20:34Hang on, Ed. How does Ray Fiennes know that?
20:41Okay. Um...
20:43I paid her a few times.
20:46What did you say?
20:47I said I've paid her a few times.
20:50Ooh. How sordid.
20:53Paying your own wife to have sex with you.
20:55Ray, that was our little secret.
20:57Paying your own wife to have sex with you is not proper prostitution.
21:03Therefore, I'm afraid Ray and Mrs. Purchase are disqualified.
21:06Oh!
21:08Which means that Toast and Wendy Nook are deemed to be this year's champions!
21:11Well, well, well...
21:20You know what this means, don't you, Purchase?
21:24That you now have to do exactly what I want.
21:30I don't remember agreeing to that.
21:31I'm afraid you did, old chap.
21:33No, I didn't.
21:34Yeah, you do.
21:36Down the right.
21:37Down the right.
21:39Down the street.
21:40Now, let's see what I can come up with.
21:48You really were a bit silly, Ray, making that rash bet.
21:51So you've got no-one to blame but yourself.
21:53What's going to happen now, Purchases?
21:55We're going to get out of business like this.
21:57Yay!
21:57Oh, grow up, Ray.
22:00You're acting like a spoiled child.
22:02Then I'm going to pleasure your wife, Oralee, much like this.
22:06Oh, God, that's good.
22:08Yay!
22:09Now we proceed to conventional doggy style intercourse, much like this.
22:16I'm sure you've noticed, Ray Purchase, that I'm not wearing a sheath.
22:20Oh!
22:21So there's a fair chance you'll become pregnant with my child.
22:24Oh!
22:25Ah!
22:25Oh, Ray, stop being so childish.
22:28This is good, Ray Purchase.
22:31It's very natural.
22:32Oh!
22:34Ray!
22:36Hey!
22:37So take my hand,
22:40We'll disappear to a love,
22:43That's not too far from you.
22:46No, I don't know you,
22:48You don't know me,
22:50I just had to talk to you,
22:53You see,
22:54So say you don't,
22:56Please don't know you could be the one,
23:00For all I know,
23:02And I don't know you don't,
23:04Gap!
23:08Thank you,
23:09I don't know you,
23:09Please don't know you,
23:23I've got to touch move,
23:24I've got a food,
23:25Yeah you've got a nice idea you think!
23:26It's my lunch,
23:27I've got to touch with you.
23:27I've got to touch me,
23:28I'll click move.
23:29At the top of your day to your bench,
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