- 4 months ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00How much did that cost?
00:03300.
00:04Nice.
00:05Is that yours?
00:06Yep.
00:07Got it on eBay, 75.
00:08Gigantic.
00:09Looking at your knives.
00:10Hey, Colin.
00:11Hi, Colin.
00:12I've got a nice one.
00:13Wow, it's a Gurkha.
00:14Vintage.
00:15Look at the notches on that.
00:16Seen some action on this one.
00:17Right, we ready to go?
00:18Oh, he's not here yet, is he?
00:19Er, who do you mean?
00:20Yeah, yeah.
00:21Yeah, I told that prick to make sure he was here at H Sharp.
00:23Should I give Ray Purchase a go?
00:25Good idea.
00:27Bingo!
00:28I've been trying to pick this pencil up in my mouth for the last 15 minutes.
00:32Are we good to go?
00:34Hi, Steven.
00:35This is Clem H. Fandango.
00:36Can you hear me?
00:37Yeah.
00:38I can...
00:39Did you just say Clem H. Fandango?
00:41So you've added an H to your name?
00:44You don't think you're enough of a prat already?
00:46It was Equity's idea, actually.
00:48They told me to change my name as there's another actor already apparently called Clem Fandango.
00:53Yeah, but you're not an actor.
00:55I'm sorry, Steven.
00:56We're gonna have to get this done quickly.
00:57Colin needs to edit everything by midday.
00:59You alright, buddy?
01:00I'm Colin Skittles from Swing Out Spritzer.
01:03Now, there's a certain way we'd like you to perform the VO.
01:10If you like, buddy, I can run through it first as a guide.
01:17Well, go on then.
01:18Brill.
01:20Hey, guys.
01:21Don't lose your cool this summer.
01:23Be as cool as ice.
01:25And enjoy a tall glass of tawny owl iced tea.
01:28To wit, to woo, to wit, to woo.
01:31To wit, to woo.
01:41Hey, guys.
01:42Don't lose your cool this summer.
01:44Be as cool as ice.
01:46And enjoy a tall glass of tawny owl iced tea.
01:50To wit, to woo.
01:52To wit, to woo.
01:54Woo.
01:55Alright, buddy.
01:56Brickadoon.
01:57Really?
01:58I can't remember the last musical.
01:59I think it was a little music, too.
02:00It was not an imitation.
02:01It was a good tune of honey.
02:04The end of the music.
02:06And enjoy.
02:08Yeah.
02:09To wit, to wit, to wit, to wit, to wit, to wit.
02:10To wit, to wit, to wit, to wit.
02:11To wit, to wit, to wit, to wit.
02:13And let it be in the movie.
02:15To wit, to wit, to wit.
02:16Brickadoon.
02:25Really? I can't remember the last musical I saw.
02:28Cats?
02:29Cats, yes, on Drury Lane.
02:31And if I recall, I was so drunk,
02:34I collapsed in my seat while sitting down.
02:37Well, at least you didn't get up and join in
02:39like Michael Barrymore used to.
02:41He did, didn't he?
02:42Talking of theatres, if I were you, Toast,
02:46I'd avoid going past the Garrick for a week or two.
02:48Is Ray Purchase dropping his slacks again?
02:51No, they're putting on a production of The Graduate.
02:53That ex of yours is playing the lead.
02:56Who? Maggie Philbin?
02:57Lorna Wind.
03:00Lorna Wind?
03:02Lorna Wind.
03:04I always thought she was quite pretty in that
03:06over-the-top American way.
03:09You did that awful daytime soap together in L.A.
03:12She had that thing, do you remember, on close-ups.
03:15She went all cross-eyed
03:16whenever her face came within three feet of a camera.
03:19Really affected her career in television.
03:22That's why she's doing theatre these days.
03:24Lorna Wind.
03:25Please, Jane.
03:26Lorna Wind.
03:27She promised to move back to London with you,
03:29but you didn't show up at the airport.
03:31You were so heartbroken,
03:32you couldn't speak for three weeks.
03:34You were in a terrible state.
03:36You cried so hard,
03:38you followed through in oddness.
03:39All right, Jane!
03:40Jane, please.
03:43Please stop saying...
03:44Lorna Wind.
03:45Stop saying Lorna Wind.
03:47Lorna Wind.
03:47Yes!
03:48More importantly, where are we going for lunch?
03:50We'll have to get a wriggle on.
03:51I'm off to Scotland to visit Tilda Swinton.
03:53Ha! Tilda!
03:55Mad as a bag of monkeys,
03:56but tremendous fun.
03:58I'm sorry, Jane.
03:59I've suddenly lost my appetite.
04:01I'd rather go home if it's all the same with you.
04:06Careful, Toast.
04:07The second Jane said she was back in town,
04:13I felt physically sick.
04:15Like I was right there,
04:16back at the airport.
04:17Right.
04:17The anguish pulls hard on one head.
04:20Like an anchor,
04:21made of white gold.
04:22Mm.
04:23My stomach feels like lead.
04:25I've not eaten all day.
04:26Not even been able to go to the toilet,
04:28which, as you know,
04:29is very unlikely.
04:30Thanks for the sympathetic ear.
04:35Does a chap good to unload,
04:37as it were.
04:40Sorry, I wasn't listening.
04:41What the hell's with the knives?
04:43Jane was waving one of those around earlier.
04:45And those clowns in the studio.
04:47Oh, everyone has knives these days.
04:49Ever since those Tottenham riots.
04:52People need to protect themselves and their property.
04:54Well, I haven't got one.
04:55Oh, maybe you should get one.
04:56By the way, Toast,
04:57I need to talk to you about something.
04:59We're going to have a guest staying here.
05:01Who? Peter Powell?
05:02No, my niece, Honeysuckle.
05:04She hasn't been feeling herself lately,
05:06poor thing.
05:07Her mum reckons she's got a gluten allergy.
05:09Anyway, she's come down to London
05:10to visit a homeopath.
05:12She's going to need somewhere to stay.
05:13What the hell is a homeopath?
05:15Someone who specialises in alternative medicine.
05:17Ooh, what, like a witch doctor?
05:19Yeah, I'm pretty sceptical myself
05:20about this whole homeopathy lark.
05:22Anyway, she's tried everything else,
05:23poor dear, and it hasn't worked.
05:25Anyway, she's going to need to sleep
05:26in your bedroom.
05:27Well, where the hell am I going to go?
05:30Well, presumably on the sofa here.
05:32Is there a sofa here?
05:34Yeah.
05:38There she is.
05:40Sorry, Toast.
05:42Just showing Honeysuckle her room.
05:45Stephen Toast,
05:46my niece, Honeysuckle.
05:47Hello.
05:48Fuck off and die!
05:49I beg your pardon?
05:54Apologies, Toast.
05:55It's the allergy.
05:56Honeysuckle suffered a very negative reaction to something.
05:59I'm so sorry, Mr. Toast.
06:00Like my uncle said,
06:01I haven't been peeling myself lately.
06:03Oh, there's no fucking toilet paper in the bathroom.
06:20There's some kitchen roll under the sink.
06:22Oh, going somewhere, Toast.
06:31Yeah, I'm going to move out for a few days, Ed.
06:34Yes, maybe best.
06:36Honeysuckle's a bit of a handful.
06:37The sooner we get us sorted out with this homeopathy,
06:39the better.
06:39Yes.
06:40Where are you going?
06:42Francis Bacon has a spare room.
06:44He owes me a few favours.
06:45Francis Bacon?
06:45I thought he was dead.
06:46Why does everyone say that?
06:48Oh, God.
07:08Toast?
07:09Is that you?
07:11Lorna.
07:12Oh, Toast.
07:13I recognise the streak in your hair from across the way.
07:17That streak.
07:18Didn't you fall out of a tree?
07:19Yeah, I fell out of a tree.
07:21I knew I'd see you again.
07:24Wait, are you crying?
07:25Crying?
07:25Me?
07:26Nah.
07:27Toast, I owe you an explanation.
07:30No, you don't.
07:31I can't even remember what happened.
07:33We both know that's not true, Stephen.
07:35I bounced back and was fine within a couple of hours.
07:39If you don't mind, I'm late for a luncheon.
07:42Oh, Toast, you always were a lousy poker player.
07:46Coffee?
07:46My treat?
07:47It is a nice day.
07:52We could get some ice cream.
07:55Yes.
07:58Do you have any cigarettes?
08:00You always did like a cigarette after ice cream.
08:03I don't have any, but somebody left a pipe in the drawer next to the Bible.
08:07Is that your knife?
08:10Yeah.
08:11Everybody told me to bring one if I was coming to London because of the Tottenham siege.
08:15Tottenham riots.
08:16You know, I never thought I'd see you again.
08:21I was in a real bad place.
08:23You ripped me in half, woman.
08:25In bloody half.
08:26I was in a dreadful state.
08:29I know.
08:30I heard.
08:31Apparently you cried so hard you followed through in odd bins.
08:34Yes, I did.
08:39Shall we?
08:40For old time's sake?
08:41What?
08:42You know.
08:47Abraham Lincoln.
08:48Forgotten you'd mastered him.
08:49You do him so well.
08:50Do Bruce for a scythe.
08:51Bruce is easy.
08:53You've just got to get the chin right.
09:05Oh, this is so much fun.
09:06Let me take a selfie.
09:07A what?
09:08A picture of us back together.
09:12I'm really sorry I ran out on you, Stephen Toast.
09:14I want to make it up.
09:15Leave it, Lorna.
09:16Your backside's writing checks.
09:17Your mouth just cannot cash.
09:19You must have been real upset to have followed through in odd bins.
09:22Didn't I just read they were facing liquidation?
09:25They weren't the only ones.
09:28At least you haven't lost your sense of humor.
09:31Lorna.
09:32Your once.
09:34Twice.
09:35Three times a lady.
09:37And I've only ever said that to six other people before.
09:41You sound like your character from our show.
09:43I watched an episode of that the other day.
09:45Really?
09:46How did it look?
09:48Damn good.
09:49Look, principal.
09:50I don't think I can goddamn do this anymore.
09:53There's only so many times I can watch you throw a flush while I end up with a deuce.
09:57I'm sure I don't know what you mean, professor.
10:00Christ to hell.
10:01I mean, I'm sick of being just another British star to you, figure.
10:03You can take off the shelf whenever there's a niche that needs a scratching.
10:07I'm sorry?
10:08Spare me the girl guide routine.
10:10You're just using me to make your husband jealous.
10:13Keep going, professor.
10:14I love it when you're angry.
10:15Okay.
10:15I'm goddamn serious.
10:21Don't treat me like a major league son of a bitch.
10:24Go ahead.
10:25Do it.
10:26Would it make you feel more like a man?
10:27Yes.
10:28Get out.
10:29Oh, I'm leaving.
10:30But I'll be back in the morning for my share of the business.
10:34And the baby.
10:35Sometimes it's hard to let go of the past.
10:43I'm off to see Francis Bacon.
10:45Isn't he dead?
10:46Why does everyone say that?
10:49Honey, you could always stay here with me.
10:52My God.
10:53She is fucking beautiful.
10:55But I know we can never get back together.
10:57If I don't leave now, I'll never leave.
11:00I'd better say that out loud.
11:01If I don't leave now, I'll never leave.
11:04Bye.
11:04Bye.
11:05And you'll need a decent suit, Anton.
11:21Not turning up to my opening with George from Asda on my arm.
11:25We'll go to Turnbull's off St. James's.
11:27My treat.
11:29And I've ordered as a nice bottle of bubbly.
11:31Oh, yes.
11:33Yes, I'm raising a glass now.
11:35To us!
11:38Oh!
11:40Come up, dear.
11:41It's open.
11:42Now, there's somebody at the door.
11:44We're no longer alone, Anton.
11:45Oh!
11:45Toast!
11:48How are you?
11:50I was just ordering some printering cartridges.
11:52I'll call you back.
11:55You look very depressed, Toast.
11:57Where have you been?
11:58The Elkent Road?
11:59I'm sorry, Bacon.
12:01I need somewhere to stay for a day or two.
12:03Oh!
12:04Something happened between you and Ed.
12:06He's an odd fish, isn't he?
12:07I see you've been painting your father again.
12:09Oh, yes.
12:12I'm in a quandary.
12:15Lorna's back.
12:16The American with a dicky eye.
12:17Only when she does close-ups.
12:19I remember the mess she made of you last time.
12:22Didn't you cry so hard you shat yourself in your room?
12:24No, I shat myself in my room.
12:26I shat myself in odd bins.
12:28Oh, yes, that's right.
12:30Didn't I just read their face in liquidation?
12:33They weren't the only ones.
12:35I'd stick to drama, Toast.
12:39But you did love her, didn't you?
12:43I did.
12:44I still do.
12:48I don't mean to impose Bacon,
12:49but I really don't have anywhere else to go.
12:56From a trap to a king
12:59Come winter or spring
13:01The song that you sing
13:03Remains the same tune
13:05It'll pass untold
13:07When love takes hold
13:09It's like a weight made of gold
13:11And it pulls so hard
13:13Way down
13:15I'm way down
13:16I'm way down
13:28I'm way down
13:59What are you doing here with an old queen like me, Toast?
14:02Go to Lorna.
14:04Love is the greatest gift we share.
14:07Oh, you're right, Bacon.
14:09Thanks, old friend.
14:15What are you looking at?
14:28I'm not certain that this is a gluten allergy.
14:37I'm going to give Alan the homeopath a ring.
14:42Hello, Alan.
14:43Jackie Baker.
14:45You free for a home visit?
14:48Lorna!
14:49Oh, my gosh.
15:06Oh, my God.
15:09Oh, my gosh.
15:12That was definitely the best sex I've ever had without getting an erection.
15:16What's that all about?
15:18It's because I'm so in love with you.
15:19I can only ever normally achieve an erection with people I've zero respect for.
15:26There he is.
15:27There he is.
15:29Hey, I'm going to go around to Ed's and pick up the rest of my belongings, but I'll be straight back.
15:34Perfect.
15:35Oh, there's one thing, though, Toast, before you go.
15:37I'm not even sure if it's worth mentioning, but it may be relevant.
15:41What is it?
15:42I'm married.
15:45You're married?
15:46Yeah, although my husband pays me so little attention, he may have actually forgotten about it, so...
15:52You're married to someone else?
15:53I think you should meet him and explain the situation.
15:56It would be so much better coming from you.
15:58Tell him that my marriage to him is over.
16:01He's recording in London at the moment.
16:02You could go to his studio.
16:04He's not one of those chaps with his bareback side hanging out carrying industrial tape and drugs, is he?
16:08No, he's not a fucking... He's not a roadie, Toast.
16:12He's a rock musician.
16:13Come on, honey, this could be your second chance.
16:15You know what, are you right?
16:18I don't care that you're married to someone else.
16:20It's you, I love.
16:21And after years of being dealt the deuce, I finally feel like I'm holding a flash.
16:34Whoa.
16:36Ed?
16:37I'm down here, under the table.
16:39What the hell are you doing down there?
16:40Hiding from Honeysuckle.
16:41I just came to say goodbye and I'm moving in with Lorna.
16:45Don't leave me.
16:46I have to.
16:46I need to move on.
16:47I know it's the right thing to do.
16:50I...
16:50What's wrong, Toast?
16:51Nothing.
16:52I...
16:52Oh, my God!
17:01Come on, Principal.
17:04We don't have much time.
17:05A flight to Hawaii leaves in an hour.
17:08You said you hated your husband.
17:10That you wanted him dead.
17:11That you love me.
17:13You do love me, don't you?
17:16Don't tell me I've got this badly wrong.
17:20I'll bring the car out front.
17:23See you in a minute.
17:24You're not having second thoughts about you and Lorna, are you?
17:35Of course I'm not.
17:36What the hell's with all the knives?
17:38It's part of my father's collection.
17:39Do you all know?
17:40Why not?
17:40Everyone else seems to have one.
17:42I hope that homeopath gets here soon.
17:43Stop, stop, guys.
18:06It's too loud.
18:08There's something that's been on my mind for the last few days.
18:10What is it, Josh?
18:11I think we should scrap these electric instruments and just play wooden ones.
18:18We're about to begin an arena tour.
18:20How are they going to hear us?
18:22I want to cancel those venues and just play churches.
18:25What the fuck?
18:26You know, I'm getting just a little sick of the amount of bad language and the unprotected sex that I see on these arena tours.
18:33No, I'm serious.
18:35You think I'm kidding?
18:36I dare you to test me.
18:38I will strangle you with the hands that the good Lord gave me.
18:49What the hell is that?
18:55Okay, Lorna.
18:56I'm going to go in there, sold the rock man out once and for all, and then we can start our new life together.
19:00Good luck.
19:10Isn't that beautiful?
19:13Which one of you cocksuckers is Lorna Wynne's husband?
19:16That'd be me.
19:18Yeah?
19:19Well, she's in love with me and she's leaving you and your marriage is over.
19:22So you better deal with that like a man and step aside.
19:25What did you just say?
19:27What are you fucking deaf?
19:28Whoa!
19:31Oh shit, his nose has come off.
19:34It's all right, I've got it.
19:35I've got it.
19:36Oh my god, his beautiful nose.
19:39Yeah, no, it's fine.
19:40He just walked into the blank.
19:41No, no, no.
19:44Lorna, we need to go.
19:45I arranged for us to look at a flat at 5.30.
19:47Look what you've done.
19:49I didn't do anything.
19:50Like I said, he walked into the blank.
19:51Oh darling.
19:53I'm sorry, I've been neglecting you.
19:55I want to renew our marriage vows and I want to live a holy life.
19:59And I'm sorry too, honey.
20:01I sent you those selfies of me and Toast to make you jealous.
20:04Just so you pay me a little more attention.
20:06It's you I love.
20:07Not him.
20:09No way him.
20:10He's a fucking loser, asshole.
20:12Yeah, yeah.
20:13Oh my god.
20:14What a fool I've been.
20:16She's obviously still in love with the rock man.
20:18All this to make him jealous.
20:20Just like that two-bit soap we were in.
20:22I thought I'd been dealt a flush, but I've ended up with another deuce.
20:25I'd better say that out loud.
20:27I thought I'd been dealt a flush, but I've ended up with another deuce.
20:30Can somebody call an ambulance?
20:33Oh god.
20:34Oh god.
20:35What should I do about the flat?
20:36Ed, is that you?
20:46I'm coming in.
20:47No, Toast.
20:47Please don't come in.
20:49I'm coming in.
20:52What the hell are you two up to, Ed?
20:55Hey, cocksucker.
20:56Wanna say something cool?
20:58What?
21:04Dear god.
21:06The good news is that Alan, the homeopath, is on his way.
21:11Is the girl in there?
21:13Is that you, Alan?
21:14A cult of me!
21:20What are you going to do, Alan?
21:23What am I going to do?
21:24I'm a fucking homeopath, aren't I?
21:27I'm going to do it the natural way.
21:29That should do it.
21:43Well, I must say, I'm very impressed.
21:45This homeopathy lark seems to have done the trick.
21:48I don't know much about it, but there's clearly a marked improvement.
21:51You see, a lot of people, they look down their nose at homeopathy.
21:55They think it's a scam.
21:58But that's because they don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
22:02Well, it's clearly very effective, and not the complete bullshit I'd assumed.
22:07Phew.
22:08So, everything back to normal.
22:11So, Toast, how did the confrontation with Lorna's husband go?
22:16Turns out Lorna was using me just to make her husband jealous.
22:20She's still very much in love with the rock man.
22:23We won't be moving in together.
22:25Oh.
22:26Shame.
22:27Then there was an altercation, and his nose got cut off.
22:31Are you all right, son?
22:36He'll be fine.
22:38As I said, everything back to normal.
22:44So, take my hand.
22:47We'll disappear to a love.
22:50It's not too far from here.
22:52No, I don't know you.
22:55You don't know me.
22:56I just had to talk to you.
23:00You see, so say you don't.
23:03Please don't know you could be the one.
23:07All I know and I...
23:09You see, so say you don't.
23:15Please don't know you could be the one.
Comments