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Transcript
00:00MUSIC
00:28Ah, your play's got a mention in the paper.
00:30There's a photo of you as well.
00:32And some protesters outside the theatre.
00:34It's not a review, is it?
00:35It says,
00:36Stereotypical offensive caricatures predominate in this cack-handed abysmal travesty.
00:41One has to try very hard indeed to recall a worse play on the London stage.
00:45Actually, Ed, please don't continue.
00:47I don't think my guts could confront it.
00:49Oh, I've had much worse reviews than this.
00:50At least you're through the opening night.
00:52Oh, they can be nerve-wracking.
00:54I once tried to kill myself before the opening of a very poor production of Coriolanus.
00:58Took a massive cocktail of painkillers, but the adrenaline just neutralised them.
01:02If you had have killed yourself, your career would have been radically different.
01:05How so?
01:06Well, you wouldn't receive your royalty checks on those old drummers they play on ITV3.
01:09Ah, yeah.
01:10And you'd be dead.
01:13I've got to get off.
01:14I'm rehearsing a new play.
01:16One job not enough for you, eh?
01:18Good luck.
01:19Quick cooking tip for you, Ed.
01:21When following a recipe, always put twice the ingredients specified.
01:25If it says two carrots, put in four.
01:27One onion, put in two.
01:29Half a pound of mushrooms, put in the full pound.
01:32Wouldn't you then just get a very big meal?
01:34Sorry I'm late.
01:47Having a shitbag of a day.
01:49Ray...
01:51Are you joking?
01:53Ray Purchase.
01:55Well, well, well.
01:58Look who it is.
02:00Steven, hide your missus, cause I'll fuck anything.
02:03Toast.
02:04Get over it, Purchase.
02:05You two should leave any conflict outside the door.
02:11Now join the circle.
02:13Let's begin by telling each other who we are, the name of our character, and something interesting about us.
02:20Kika.
02:21My name is Kika Bright, I'll be playing part of Stella, and last year I performed Shakespeare in Central Park with Scarlett Johansson.
02:30Very, very swish.
02:33Ray.
02:34My name is Ray Purchase, and I will be playing a part of the Magistrates.
02:38Something interesting about you?
02:42Well, toast regularly fucks my wife.
02:45God.
02:46Can we not mention that again?
02:48Anyway, I'm Aka Heron, your director.
02:53I've just returned from North Africa, where I directed a local cast production of Hamlet.
02:59Now, that is swish.
03:04Were the sets made of sand?
03:09Such a prick.
03:10Your turn.
03:11Stephen Toast, and I'm playing Jeff.
03:13Something interesting about yourself, Stephen.
03:18Oh, yeah.
03:19I can roll my eyes into the back of my head.
03:25Useful for drama and comedy, I should think.
03:28Now, before we open the text, I'd like us to loosen up and focus using something called a shaka, which is a warm-up I learnt in Africa.
03:38Great.
03:39Ooga shaka.
03:40Ooga.
03:41Ooga.
03:42Ooga.
03:43Ooga shaka.
03:44Ooga.
03:45Ooga.
03:46Ooga.
03:47Ooga.
03:48Ooga.
03:49Ooga.
03:50Ooga.
03:51Ooga.
03:52Ooga.
03:53Ooga.
03:54Ooga.
03:55Ooga.
03:56Ooga.
03:57Ooga.
03:58Ooga.
03:59I'm sorry, you're gonna be fucking killing.
04:00Okay?
04:01If you wanna shit on me, I'll shit on you!
04:03But you better be wearing a fucking helmet!
04:12It was like the Special Olympics, but the Special Olympics for arseholes.
04:20Yes.
04:21All right.
04:22Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.
04:24And as I was saying, the last person I wanted to see there was Ray Burchess.
04:28And that director's fucking crackers.
04:30Acker is very highly strung, but he inspires fierce loyalty.
04:34Even when he killed one of his actors, the rest of the cast remained devoted to him.
04:38I'm not saying he lacks charisma.
04:39He's passionate.
04:40Sorry, did you say he killed an actor?
04:42Yes.
04:43On some Pinter play about ten years ago, he killed an actor.
04:46Christ!
04:47I mean, even Pinter wouldn't do that.
04:49The actor...
04:50I can't remember his name.
04:52Wasn't much cop, from what I can remember, anyway.
04:54He wouldn't do what Acker wanted, so Acker stabbed him.
04:57Actor died, but Acker got away with manslaughter.
05:00Good grief.
05:01The judge had seen his Trojan women at the National.
05:05He was a huge fan, so he got off.
05:06You know what?
05:07I'm not sure I should be working with a director that murders actors.
05:10Well, might undo the damage of you being in that play.
05:13Everyone hates that play.
05:15Feels worse than being a pedophile.
05:17Really, Toast?
05:18What a thing to say.
05:19In the current climate.
05:21Well, you put me in that bloody play, Jane.
05:23I didn't want to do it.
05:25Jane Clough.
05:26Spelt P-L-O-U-G-H, pronounced Plough.
05:31He's very much a family man.
05:33Who?
05:34But the 70s was ages ago.
05:36He probably doesn't remember...
05:38Who?
05:39Just one moment, please.
05:40Scotland Yard are investigating another client.
05:42Could you just slink off?
05:44Ah, hello.
05:46Yes, I saw your advert on the computer.
05:49And I'd quite like...
05:51A blonde, yes, yes.
05:54Blonde is my favourite colour.
05:56So we could meet tomorrow at 4pm
05:59at the Baybury Hotel South Kensington.
06:02I'm a travelling salesman.
06:05Look, how much will it cost?
06:07No, I'm not VAT registered.
06:10OK, my name is Royce Coolidge.
06:15And her name is Laurie...
06:17What, L-O-R-R-Y...
06:19No.
06:20L-O-R-I.
06:22I see.
06:23No, I don't have a loyalty card.
06:25Thanking you.
06:27Oh.
06:28£400.
06:31Oh.
06:32Pretty good.
06:33Stephen?
06:34Yes.
06:35Yes.
06:36Yes.
06:37Yes.
06:38Stephen?
06:40Greta!
06:41God, I didn't recognise you with that.
06:43I fell out of a tree.
06:44You're gorgeous.
06:45I mean, you look gorgeous.
06:46How's Ellen?
06:47Who?
06:48Your wife.
06:49My soon-to-be ex-wife, actually.
06:51I'm a gay divorcee.
06:52I'm not gay.
06:53Are you still acting?
06:54Nah, not as much.
06:56Oh, that's a shame.
06:57You're quite good.
06:58Al's fuckface, what's his name?
07:00Gary.
07:01Yeah, we're divorced too.
07:02I'm going to my club for a cocktail.
07:04Do you fancy joining me?
07:06Er...
07:07Oh, come on.
07:09Yeah, alright.
07:10Yes!
07:13So you're a TV producer now.
07:15What are you working on these days?
07:17Er...
07:18Documentary.
07:19Six-part thing.
07:20It's called London Lives.
07:21It's kind of about the dark underbelly of the capital.
07:23Ah!
07:24Sounds good.
07:25Yeah, but it's just a job, you know.
07:28I prefer getting my kicks in other ways.
07:30I remember.
07:32I like trying new things.
07:34I'm an excitement junkie.
07:36Me too.
07:37Should we meet up again next week?
07:39Yeah.
07:40Why don't I just give you my card?
07:43Should we say Friday, provisionally?
07:45Yes.
07:46So why don't you ring me and we'll hook up?
07:48We'll hook up.
07:49Yes.
07:52I think Stephen should lead the Shaka.
07:55Oh, fuck.
07:56Ooga Shaka.
07:57Ooga.
07:58Ooga.
07:59Ooga.
08:00Ooga.
08:01Ooga.
08:02Ooga.
08:03Shaka.
08:04Ooga.
08:05Ooga.
08:06Ooga.
08:07Ooga.
08:08Ooga.
08:09Ooga.
08:10Ooga.
08:11Excuse me, please!
08:15What the hell's up with him?
08:17You know, he murdered an actor.
08:19What?
08:20I'd keep your stupid mouth shut about that, Toast.
08:23But he was murdered.
08:24It was manslaughter.
08:25A second-rate actor gets killed by the director.
08:28No big deal.
08:29Happens every day.
08:30Does it?
08:31I really wouldn't mention it again, Toast.
08:32Stephen, quick word.
08:36You're fine.
08:39You're trying to undermine me.
08:40Why?
08:41What?
08:42I expect total loyalty from my actors at all times.
08:45I feel for any project to work, I need to have them just where I want them.
08:50By the balls.
08:52By the balls, eh?
08:53Quick question.
08:54Have you ever had anybody by the balls?
08:57Literally?
08:58Yes, I mean literally.
08:59To feel another man's cojones lying in the palm of one's hand.
09:04Ever had that experience, Stephen?
09:06I can't say I have.
09:07You?
09:08Yes, I have.
09:09With Benedict Cumberbatch.
09:11Who?
09:12I felt them literally rolling around.
09:15Both of us staring into each other's eyes.
09:18It seemed like an eternity, but it was less than half an hour.
09:23He cracked in the end.
09:26We did it my way.
09:28I'm not joking, Stephen.
09:30This isn't Michael McIntyre's comedy road show.
09:33And when I say literally, I do of course literally mean literally.
09:39It's only in the end of the day.
09:42That's it.
09:43But it's only stationery.
09:44But it's a good story.
09:45I wanna care about it, Peter.
09:46Come at me.
09:47I am a time friends.
09:48I have to give a break.
09:49He is killing me.
09:50But it's still a good scene.
09:52Come at your feet.
09:55I will save your money.
09:56The one in the end of the day.
09:57The one in the day will work.
09:58The one in the day will run.
09:59Now, let's give up.
10:00The one in the day will never be like.
10:01Jesus Christ!
10:04We need to talk to you, Toast.
10:05You are in serious danger of jeopardising this production because you hate Acker.
10:08Do you hate Acker?
10:09I hardly know the man.
10:10He believes you're not showing him the requisite loyalty.
10:12He needs a lottery assurance, Toast.
10:14Now, I have to ask you something else, confidentially.
10:16What?
10:17You know about the other murder?
10:18What other murder?
10:19Ray, don't ask him if he knows about the other murder.
10:21But I thought you said...
10:22I wasn't going to ask him about the other murder, Ray.
10:24I was going to ask him about the extra rehearsal on Saturday.
10:27You don't know about that, do you?
10:28What?
10:29The extra rehearsal?
10:29No, the other murder.
10:31Stop mentioning that, Ray.
10:33Anyway, you don't know about it, do you?
10:35What?
10:36The thing that Ray mentioned there, but shouldn't have mentioned.
10:38I don't know anything.
10:39This is fucking ridiculous.
10:40That's good.
10:41Don't tell anyone about it.
10:42Look, if someone's...
10:44Sorry, mate.
10:46Can we have our fridge be back?
10:49What the...
10:50Do you want to join in?
10:55Oh, good catch.
10:56That's for fucking my wife and for making me look like a dog's nut back there.
11:05So, the implication was that Akka's murdered someone else?
11:12I got that distinct impression.
11:14I think Ray Purchase got cat-mouthed and revealed it in error.
11:17Very odd.
11:18Well, shouldn't we contact the police?
11:19Well, with murders.
11:21Once you get the police in, things can get complicated.
11:24I agree.
11:25If ever I heard about a murder, I wouldn't contact the police.
11:28Why not?
11:29Overcrowded prisons.
11:30No.
11:30Much along the lines of what you've just said.
11:32Once you get the police involved with the murder, things can escalate.
11:36Look, you have to get me out of this Akka play.
11:39I mean, tell him anything.
11:41Tell him I've got VD.
11:42Where would you get it?
11:43You haven't been exactly active recently.
11:44Ha, ha, ha, ha.
11:46Now, listen, Toast.
11:47I think it's important you don't cross Akka.
11:49You just do what he says.
11:50You don't want him as an enemy.
11:52Now, bugger off, Toast.
11:53I've got Strawberry Rathbone popping in in 15 minutes.
11:55If she sees you here, there'll be a scene.
11:57A scene, you say?
11:59That'll be a first for her in a while.
12:02Ha, ha, ha.
12:10God!
12:11Jesus Christ, Ed.
12:13What are you playing at?
12:14Oh, sorry, Toast.
12:15Didn't know my own strength.
12:16Fire and fucking blast.
12:18Not again.
12:19Language violation, Toast.
12:20You all right?
12:21Well, look, that's the crown jewels you're referring to, Ed.
12:24Not good.
12:24Okay.
12:25Ladies and gentlemen, play is suspended.
12:30Something on your mind, Toast?
12:31Do you remember Greta Cargo from Raga?
12:34Oh, yeah.
12:35Very much into sex, I recall.
12:37I bumped into her on the street.
12:38Always thought she was great.
12:40In fact, that's an anagram of her name.
12:41Great.
12:42Just swapped the A and the T.
12:44It's a very simple one, but so it is.
12:46Anyway, I've created a bit of a problem for myself.
12:48I've contacted an agency.
12:50An estate agency?
12:52No, a different kind of agency.
12:54Travel agency?
12:54What?
12:55No, an escort agency.
12:57Oh, I see.
12:59Well, lots of chaps use agencies.
13:01I've read about it.
13:02I mean, you might have done it.
13:04I haven't done it.
13:05Well, that's fine.
13:06Yeah, but I haven't done it.
13:07Okay.
13:08I mean, if you...
13:08I honestly haven't done it.
13:09All right.
13:09So, I'm meeting this escort in this posh hotel in South Kent tomorrow.
13:16I can't wait.
13:17There's a great afternoon tea as well.
13:18So, this is the dilemma.
13:19If I hook up with the escort, the sex is guaranteed.
13:22If I meet Greta and nothing happens, I'll shit out and be doubly disappointed.
13:26Do you want my advice?
13:27Yeah.
13:28Go where the sex is.
13:29It's exactly what I was thinking.
13:30After all, it's only what?
13:31400 quid?
13:33400 quid?
13:34How do you know?
13:35Guess.
13:37Well, you're spot on.
13:38It's a guess, Toast.
13:39Just a guess.
13:43Guess.
13:44Reception.
13:46Hello.
13:46Yes.
13:47I'm the travelling salesman from room 560.
13:50I'm expecting a visitor.
13:52She's blonde and her name is Laurie.
13:55Just...
13:55I'll be here.
13:56Just ring up.
13:57I'll come straight down.
13:58I'll be here.
14:04Toast?
14:05Toast?
14:06Zach O'Heron.
14:07Meet me at the Olympian Club.
14:08You want to meet now?
14:09Yes, now.
14:10But I have to...
14:11I wouldn't waste our time unless it was important.
14:13I can't.
14:14I've got to...
14:14I'll text you the address.
14:16What the f...
14:18Who the shit does he think he is?
14:28Fencing tells one so much about a fella.
14:31About his commitment.
14:32His loyalty.
14:33About how much of a man he is.
14:35Do we have to?
14:37I have an afternoon tea appointment at four.
14:39Oh, God.
14:48You'll have a natural talent, Toast.
14:50I like to think I've mastered the basic skills.
14:56That hurt, did it?
14:57Shit!
14:57Your suit's fitted with electronic sensors.
15:00A direct hit results in a massive electric shock.
15:03Enough to kill a small dog.
15:05What the hell are you playing at?
15:07I'm testing you out, Toast.
15:09I want to make sure you're the kind of man I can rely on.
15:12I think you proved yourself out there.
15:17You passed part one of the test.
15:20Part one?
15:20Part one?
15:20I dread to think what part two entails.
15:24Of course.
15:26Yes, it's me, Toast.
15:28Ray fucking Purchase.
15:29Your worst nightmare.
15:31How does that feel, Toast?
15:34Grab the other one, Ray.
15:35Cumberbatch lasted less than half an hour.
15:37Who?
15:38Fastbender, barely twenty minutes.
15:39You think it's clever, though, you're grabbing a man's balls in the shower?
15:40You're pathetic.
15:40Both of you.
15:41We're not letting go, Toast.
15:41We're going to break your balls.
15:43You're not letting go, Toast.
15:45Of course.
15:46Yes, it's me, Toast.
15:47Ray fucking Purchase, your worst nightmare.
15:49How does that feel, Toast?
15:49Grab the other one, Ray.
15:51Cumberbatch lasted less than half an hour.
15:54Who?
15:55Fastbender, barely twenty minutes.
15:56You think it's clever, though, you're grabbing a man's balls in the shower?
16:01You're pathetic.
16:02Both of you, we're not letting go, Toast.
16:04We're going to break your balls.
16:08Metaphorically and literally.
16:16Forty-five minutes. I'm impressed.
16:20What time's your appointment?
16:21Four o'clock.
16:23And it's crucial I don't arrive with this particular appointment with crush nuts.
16:26I think you've made your point.
16:30Do you swear total loyalty to me and to the production?
16:34Yes!
16:37I just know we're going to achieve great things with this play.
16:42This is a terrible time for theatre.
16:45Have you heard about that shit that's on at the playhouse?
16:48It's everything I hate.
16:50All the actors in that should be stripped naked, shot and shat on.
16:57Hang on a second.
16:59Toast's in that play.
17:00You're in that play.
17:04He's in that play, Acker.
17:06Okay.
17:08Well, that's rather disappointing.
17:12Give me a moment.
17:14I just need to think about strategy here.
17:18I'll be back in a minute.
17:19Why are you such a grass purchase?
17:24Look, if you're in some shit play, Acker needs to know about it.
17:28You can't resist it, can you?
17:30Poking that big nose of yours in.
17:32You're such a fucking prick.
17:34Ray, please leave.
17:36This could turn ugly.
17:39I wouldn't mind staying.
17:40Leave!
17:41I don't want any witnesses and lock all the doors behind you.
17:46Okay.
17:52So, just you and me, Toast.
17:58Shouldn't I put my fencing outfit on?
18:01Actually, you're wearing mine.
18:02We're not doing fencing anymore, Toast.
18:05We're doing killing.
18:07This is what you get for doing shit theatre.
18:10You're going to die.
18:11Okay, you win, Acker.
18:17Is it not customary to give a condemned man a last request?
18:21Okay.
18:21What is it?
18:23We've left the shower on.
18:25I hate wasting water.
18:28You wouldn't mind turning it off.
18:30Fine.
18:31You know, it's good to be concerned about environmental issues.
18:34All right.
18:35Ray Purchaser's locked all the doors, so you can't escape.
18:39Resistance will be futile.
18:41Yes.
18:48I'm guessing the rehearsal's cancelled.
18:52Reception?
18:53Hello, yes.
18:55I'm the travelling salesman from room 560.
18:58Shit, I've forgotten my name.
19:00Look, look.
19:02If someone comes to the hotel asking for the name of a guest who isn't a resident,
19:07it'll probably be for me.
19:11PHONE RINGS
19:12PHONE RINGS
19:13PHONE RINGS
19:14PHONE RINGS
19:16Hello?
19:20Royce Coolidge.
19:21Yes, that's who I am.
19:22Yes.
19:23Fantastic.
19:24I'll be straight down.
19:25Thanking you.
19:26PHONE RINGS
19:27Greta.
19:35Stephen.
19:36Hello again.
19:38Oh, yeah.
19:39I'm just here meeting an old male man's school friend.
19:43I hear the afternoon tea's great.
19:45What are you doing here?
19:46I'm working.
19:47Working?
19:48Yes, I'm meeting someone.
19:50They called it John in the trade.
19:52I should explain.
19:53No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
19:55This is amazing.
19:56Has it got anything to do with an escort agency?
20:00Yes.
20:01Ah!
20:04I can't say I'm surprised.
20:06You're always pretty adventurous.
20:09Shall we?
20:10I'm not sure what you mean, Stephen.
20:12This is part of the documentary series I'm producing.
20:14We're here with that woman over there.
20:15We're hoping to interview the man she's meeting.
20:18In fact, he's on his way down as we speak.
20:21So if you could just...
20:23Hang on.
20:25What do you know about the escort agency?
20:28I'm home.
20:38All men somehow pay for love
20:41While this world turns under stars above
20:45It's unfair how fingers point in blame
20:50Now I hang my head in fear and shame
20:54Who am I to cast a stone?
20:59Are there not dark demons of my own?
21:03Just a pawn in a very complex game
21:07Now I hang my head in fear and shame
21:12How I hang my head in fear and shame
21:16Yes, I hang my head in fear and shame
21:20Guys, you're wasting your time, you're wasting the air in your lungs.
21:50I know for a fact that Stephen Toast is dead.
21:53Don't ask me why.
21:54I just know he is.
21:54I know he's dead.
21:55There he is!
21:56There he is!
21:56There he is!
21:58There he is!
21:59There he is!
22:00There he is!
22:01There he is!
22:02There he is!
22:03There he is!
22:04There he is!
22:05Shit!
22:06There he is!
22:07There he is!
22:08There he is!
22:09There he is!
22:10There he is!
22:11There he is!
22:12There he is!
22:13There he is!
22:14There he is!
22:15There he is!
22:16There he is!
22:17There he is!
22:18There he is!
22:19There he is!
22:20There he is!
22:21There he is!
22:22There he is!
22:23There he is!
22:24There he is!
22:25There he is!
22:26There he is!
22:27There he is!
22:28There he is!
22:29There he is!
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