- 3 months ago
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00:00Nay.
00:10Is that it?
00:11Yeah, that's all it says here.
00:16Stephen?
00:17You think the nay is probably meant to be the sound of a horse?
00:20You want me to make the sound of a horse?
00:22Yeah, I'm guessing the nay is just a rough indication.
00:24So just do the sound of a horse.
00:26Alright.
00:27Nay!
00:35Hi Stephen, this is Clem Fandango.
00:37Can you hear me?
00:38Yes.
00:39The feeling here is that it didn't sound much like a horse.
00:41What?
00:42Would it help that instead of a nay, you could try a winnie?
00:44A what?
00:45You think a winnie might be better than a nay?
00:46What's the difference?
00:47Just do another horse sound.
00:48I think winnie rather than nay.
00:53Winnie!
00:57Stephen?
00:58Was that a winnie?
00:59Because it sounded a lot like a nay.
01:00Jesus Christ.
01:01Look, I've got things to do.
01:02And one of those is not sitting with you two pilchards making horse noises.
01:08What are you doing?
01:09Just googling winnie and nay.
01:10Oh, for fucks.
01:11Why don't you just bring a horse in here?
01:12Yeah?
01:13I mean, I'm sure he'd get a nay the first time.
01:14Health and safety issue, Stephen.
01:15Sorry, Stephen.
01:16I've got this so wrong.
01:17It's actually...
01:18Neighbours.
01:19Neighbours.
01:20Yeah, it's my fault.
01:21The whole script didn't print out.
01:22I just got a bit of it.
01:23You're an idiot.
01:24Are we rolling?
01:25Neighbours.
01:26Returning to Channel 5 this autumn.
01:28Don't miss it.
01:29Every weekday at 5.30pm.
01:59You have a parrot in there.
02:00No, no, no.
02:01No, no.
02:02No, no, no, no.
02:03No, no, no.
02:04No, no, no.
02:05No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
02:07Especially today.
02:08Breakfast ready?
02:12Yes.
02:13Cheers.
02:14Good evening.
02:16D get me, man.
02:17乾杯!
02:18Breakfast ready!
02:19Are you ready?
02:20Yes.
02:21Come in, man.
02:22Have you...
02:23Ah, eh.
02:24There you go.
02:25Yes.
02:26There you go.
02:27Are you sure you don't want me to call an ambulance?
02:43You've just crashed through a complete flight of stairs and been hit by falling masonry.
02:47No, no, no, no.
02:48Just wearing the band-aid should suffice.
02:51Anyway, I've got to get a wriggle on, otherwise I'll be late for maths.
02:54Maths?
02:54No, no, no. Bill, I've got to go and pay my bar bill. Maths.
03:00It's like you're off to school and I'm your mum.
03:02What are you talking about? Perhaps you should see a doctor.
03:06Good night.
03:12There you go, Ian. Sorry, it's holding coins.
03:15Well, look, I'll give you the rest later.
03:17Blair? What the hell are you doing here?
03:19You'd better sit down.
03:20I'm sitting down.
03:21No, you're not.
03:22No, I'm not.
03:23Please sit down.
03:24It's father. He's dying.
03:28That's a pity. Would you like a drink?
03:30Why the hell are you wearing that?
03:31What?
03:32There's a bandage on your head.
03:33I crashed through some stairs.
03:36I think.
03:37Well, as I say, father's days are numbered.
03:40Doctor reckons you'll be dead by Friday.
03:41So you said.
03:42Right, so we need to get down there pronto and make sure he doesn't leave everything to the bloody dog.
03:46Or worse still, the servants.
03:48Who cares?
03:49He's never given a rat's ass about me.
03:51Tells everyone I'm dead.
03:53I don't want anything from him.
03:54Yes, but I do, you bloody idiot.
03:56Think about it, Toast.
03:57Think.
03:58If I get the country castle, you get the London pad.
04:02The London pad?
04:03Hmm.
04:04Yeah.
04:05No rent.
04:05And I wouldn't have to listen to Ed's lovemaking marathons.
04:09Exactly.
04:09So we need to get down there.
04:10Jowldy, jowldy.
04:12Hmm?
04:12Right.
04:13I'm off to get the National Express at Victoria coach station.
04:17The old family home could already be crawling with oily freeloaders.
04:21We have to make sure we get to him first.
04:23We can't leave anything to chance.
04:25Are we clear?
04:26Are we clear?
04:27Now, you need to take this very seriously, Toast.
04:30I don't want to get down there and find myself outnumbered.
04:32All right.
04:33Now, how do I get out of this bugger house?
04:37Fifty.
04:38Fifty-five.
04:40Sixty.
04:42What, more coins?
04:43Sorry, Toast.
04:44They only had change.
04:46But it's the BBC.
04:48Can't they make a direct payment into my account or something?
04:50Now, the people who make direct payments have all moved to Shalford.
04:54Sign of the times, I'm afraid.
04:56Massive cutbacks.
04:58Why are you all glammed up, Jane?
05:00I'm meeting John Hamm.
05:04I've literally never heard of him.
05:05Probably one of the best actors in the world.
05:09Surprised you've literally never heard of him.
05:12He's fabulous, sexy and terrifically good-looking.
05:16He's on a short break from filming that Tommy Cooper film in Dorset.
05:20I'm meeting him upstairs at the Colonial.
05:24Why don't you come along and say hello?
05:25No, I'm not interested.
05:26He is hugely charismatic.
05:29Is he indeed?
05:31You know something?
05:32I've never met anyone with any charisma, ever.
05:35It's a complete myth.
05:37Even that time I was introduced to Sean Connery.
05:40It was like meeting a chair or a dead rabbit.
05:42Well, everybody, people of every sex and all sizes and shapes and ethnic groups, adore Hamm.
05:50Hmm.
05:50I'm not interested.
05:52But it just so happens I now have the exact money to pay my bar tab at the Colonial.
05:57So I'll walk with you.
06:00You're ridiculous.
06:04Well, do you.
06:05Right, I'm off.
06:07Give my regards to West Ham, whatever his name is.
06:09I'm sure you won't stay for a drink.
06:11Jane, like I told you, I've absolutely no interest.
06:14What?
06:15So?
06:20Jane.
06:21Oh, how lovely to see you, Johnny.
06:25Oh, this is Stephen Toast.
06:28He's not staying.
06:30No.
06:32Well, it's nice to meet you anyway.
06:37Where are you off to?
06:38Home to Ed?
06:40Who's Ed?
06:41Is that your husband?
06:42Are you homosexual?
06:43Ha!
06:44No, I wasn't.
06:47Oh, um.
06:54Do you know I might stay?
06:56Ha!
06:56I can't believe he's actually doing it.
06:59Can you imagine?
07:00What do you think, Tester?
07:02What?
07:03Mark Roberts in the jungle celebrity get-me-out-of-here show.
07:08What have you done to your head?
07:10Some stairs collapsed on top of me.
07:13Are you okay?
07:15You seem a bit weird.
07:17You're not yourself, are you, Toast?
07:19Poor dear.
07:21But you go and get us some more drinks.
07:24Get some drinks?
07:26Yes.
07:26Some more of your drinks, please, here.
07:29Excuse me.
07:30Are you Stephen Toast?
07:32Maybe.
07:33So what if I am?
07:34My name is Pookie Hook.
07:36I have to say, I'm a huge fan of yours.
07:39I'm an actress and model.
07:41I would love to meet up for a drink or something
07:44so you could give me some acting and modelling tips.
07:48Look, this is mine eyed off.
07:50If you want to get in touch, you'd have to go through my agent.
07:55Well, I have to go to the Savile Row and buy some shirts.
07:59Well, it's been delightful, Johnny.
08:02Can I come?
08:04Hmm?
08:04What?
08:05Can I come to the Savile Row?
08:07I thought you had something important to attend to.
08:09No, that can wait.
08:10I'd rather go to the Savile Row with Ham.
08:13Would you mind?
08:14I'm sorry, Ham.
08:15Well, it's no problem.
08:16I sometimes get confused with your British shirt sizes,
08:19so perhaps Stephen could give me a hand.
08:24Ham!
08:25Every shirt, I mean every shirt, looks sensational on him.
08:29Words can I describe how great he is.
08:31Sounds like you have a bit of a crush on Ham, Toast.
08:33What?
08:34A crush on John Ham?
08:36You couldn't be more wide of the market.
08:38Oh, I will admit, the man certainly has charisma.
08:42Care for a fancy, Toast?
08:44Oh, don't mind if I do.
08:52These are delicious fancy, Ed.
08:59Any word on those replacement stairs?
09:01Otherwise it's going to be a pain in the arse
09:03having to use that ladder each time we want to go to bed.
09:05It might be dry rot.
09:11Are you a fan of John Ham, Ed?
09:13Oh, yes.
09:14I've got every series of Mad Men on DVD.
09:16It's pretty much the best show on telly.
09:18Yeah, I'd heard it's great.
09:19I'd love to see them.
09:21Well, er...
09:22Now.
09:22I'd love to see it now.
09:23You all right?
09:24If I could see them now.
09:25You all right, I'll try and dig them out.
09:26Quick as you can.
09:29What's he...
09:30He's insane!
09:32Oh, shit.
09:40And his show is both terrifying and very funny.
09:43And he is hilarious and quite mad, isn't it?
09:47It sounds like your phone, Toast.
09:49Yeah.
09:51Who's Blair?
09:53It's your brother, you idiot.
09:55You should answer it, Toast.
09:56It'll be about your father.
09:57Who?
09:58Your father.
10:00Toast!
10:01I'm giving you my position.
10:03What?
10:03I'm somewhere between Sherbourne and Clucurn.
10:07I'll phone you with information when I arrive.
10:10But make sure you're here by Friday, Toast,
10:12and don't bloody forget.
10:14What the hell are you talking about?
10:16Gone!
10:17He's hung up.
10:20Anyway, any word from Ham?
10:21Has he asked about me?
10:23Not that I recall.
10:24Oh, he's just moved into a flat in London,
10:27Mird Street, above the Delhi.
10:29Isn't that opposite you?
10:31Opposite me and Ed, yes.
10:32I could show him some local haunts.
10:34Have you got his number?
10:35Ham is a major celebrity.
10:37I can't give out his number to any Tom, Dick or Toast.
10:39He might have it hacked.
10:42Yes, India, what is it?
10:43It's Peter Davison again.
10:47Davison's cut his finger off opening a letter.
10:50All his fingers or just one?
10:51Oh, hang on, I'll have to come out.
10:53I'll be back in a minute.
10:58Ham!
11:01There we are.
11:04Tony Hatch, Judith Han, Jimmy Hill, John Ham.
11:07There's the boy.
11:09Ham!
11:13Hello?
11:14Hi, Ham, it's Stephen Toast here.
11:16Oh, yes, hello.
11:19How's it going, your end?
11:21Everything's great.
11:22Listen, I was just wondering if you'd fancy going for a drink sometime.
11:28When are you thinking?
11:30Uh, tomorrow.
11:31I could do tomorrow afternoon, but I can't stay late.
11:35I'm shooting tomorrow in Dorset.
11:37No, no, no, that's fine.
11:38That is amazing.
11:40Listen, we'll meet upstairs at the Colonial, we'll sink a few, and then maybe go for an Italian
11:46for two.
11:50Look, or whatever.
11:51Let's meet at one o'clock.
11:52Yes.
11:53Perfection.
11:54Staunch the flow, India.
11:58Bloody hell.
12:01Davidson's only gone and lopped his middle finger off.
12:04Tried not to make a fuss in front of him, but when the bandages are off, it will look quite
12:09odd.
12:10Ha!
12:11Never a dull moment.
12:12Toast?
12:18Are you all right?
12:25Oh, hello again.
12:28Have you thought any more about that personal tuition idea?
12:31What?
12:31You could come to my flat if you want.
12:33I've got a sauna and jacuzzi.
12:35Maybe we could relax afterwards?
12:37Shh!
13:07I've got myself in a terrible jam
13:15I hit my head and now I fancy a man
13:20I should feel up, I've never felt so down
13:25And they say I'm the worst actor in town
13:31You're the worst, yes you are
13:35You are the worst actor in the world
13:48Woo!
14:05Is this something to do with you meeting Ham later?
14:10No
14:11You're not making a mixtape for him, are you?
14:13No
14:14He's probably not interested in those old marching tunes you're so fond of
14:17And recording them on cassette, it's very old-fashioned
14:20It's all SoundCloud and Spotify these days
14:23Oh dear
14:26I don't know what I'm doing
14:28It's been a while since I've been
14:30In love
14:32Why the hell would you say that?
14:34You're not eating, you're not sleeping, you're keeping a diary
14:37You've got all the symptoms
14:39You don't understand
14:40He's got this charisma, it's like black magic
14:43Jane says he draws everyone in
14:45Why don't I make you a cup of hot chocolate and we can talk about this like adults
14:48I don't think this obsession with Ham is healthy
14:52You don't know him
14:53And you don't understand me
14:55And I hate living here
14:56And I'm going to my room
14:58And I've forgotten my ladder
15:04Did you know that every phone line in Hollywood is connected to an asshole?
15:12Hundreds of guys waiting to fuck you over
15:14But it's good to be back filming in the UK
15:18Dorset is lovely this time of the year
15:22Are you crying?
15:27I don't know
15:27It's just that you speak so eloquently, Ham
15:30Oh, you really do
15:32It's like hearing one's own name mentioned on the wireless
15:35Listen, you don't fancy a stroll in the park, do you?
15:39I mean, only if you're free, that is
15:40I'm free until five
15:42Only till five?
15:43What have you got on?
15:44A photo shoot?
15:45A cocktail soiree?
15:47A dental appointment
15:49Your teeth look so perfect
15:52When you play the madman
15:53Let's go
15:58That was the best fun I've ever had
16:12I've got an idea
16:14You're filming in Dorset, right?
16:17I need to be in Somerset in the morning
16:19We could travel down together
16:20You could meet my father
16:22I have to look sharp
16:24He's dying
16:25I don't know
16:25I don't like being around dying people
16:27I feel like it's bad luck
16:29Oh, come on
16:30I could show you my father's castle
16:31It's the tallest in the world
16:33Well, I've got your number
16:35Uh, listen, this was, uh
16:37The best time you've ever had
16:39No
16:41Okay
16:42So, I'm going to go
16:44Cool
16:45Yeah, maybe see you tomorrow
16:49Oh, God
16:53Stephen, hi
16:55God, not you again
16:57How are you?
16:58What do you want?
16:59Myself and a lot of other girls
17:01Who are actresses and models
17:02Are going yachting over the weekend
17:04We would love for you to join us
17:06So you could tutor us
17:07In acting and modelling
17:08Me and the girls
17:10Really enjoyed
17:10Topless sunbathing on the deck
17:12But if you're bothered by that
17:14We can wear our bikini tops
17:16I haven't got an auntie's whiff
17:17About modelling
17:18Is this some kind of ploy
17:20To get me on your sex boat?
17:22And if it is
17:23Then you're barking up
17:24The wrong acorn
17:25Oh
17:26What the hell is wrong with me?
17:32The man's like crack
17:34He's like crack
17:36Mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah
17:37What the hell is wrong with me?
18:07Toast, what are you doing here?
18:10Ham, it's you
18:11Your window was open
18:14I couldn't resist climbing in
18:15Yes, well, I spent a lot of time
18:17Hiding in my bed
18:18To avoid the paparazzi
18:20It has a special ham-shaped indentation
18:22So that it appears to be flat
18:24What's with the mask?
18:28It's Lovejoy
18:29The antiques guy
18:31Do you wear that
18:33So you're not recognised?
18:34No
18:35I just went to the shop
18:37They had a bunch of them
18:38Mr. Bean
18:39The Queen
18:39Camilla
18:40Prince Charles
18:40I just like the Lovejoy
18:41You certainly are a mad man
18:46Yeah?
18:51I'm here
18:51I've not entered the premises yet
18:54But on first look
18:55It seems to be pretty vulture free
18:58Blair, what the shit are you talking about?
18:59Don't jigger me about
19:00You need to get here before the relatives descend
19:03There could be dozens of them
19:04I can't afford to find myself outnumbered, Toast
19:07Outnumbered, you say?
19:10Don't worry about that, Blair
19:12I can bring someone with me
19:13He's fit
19:15And has bags of charisma
19:17What?
19:22Ham?
19:23Yes?
19:23It's about time you met my father
19:25That is one tall castle
19:29Tallest in the world
19:31I, Gonville Toast
19:40I wish for my paintings
19:43My gold
19:44And my dog
19:46To be buried with me
19:48Paintings, gold, dog
19:51To be buried with you upon your death
19:53Father
19:53I'm here
19:55Your son has arrived
19:57Who said that?
19:59That's your other son, father
20:00The actor
20:01The actor?
20:03I thought he was dead
20:04No, father
20:05That's just what you tell everybody
20:07Because you hate him
20:07Is that you, Toast?
20:09We're at the top
20:10In father's bedroom
20:11Come quickly
20:12And my firearms collection
20:15Shall be left to
20:17Annie Lennox
20:20And finally
20:22Hurry up, Toast
20:24And finally
20:25I leave my entire estate
20:31My fortune
20:32And my freehold properties
20:35Both here
20:35And in London
20:37To
20:38John
20:44John
20:44Ham
20:45John
20:46Ham
20:47What?
20:48No
20:49No, father
20:51Wait
20:52Father
20:53Wake up, father
20:55Wake up
20:56Oh, dear God
20:58I believe
20:59I believe your father
20:59Has passed
21:00This is your doing, Toast
21:03You bloody fool
21:04Why did you bring
21:05John Hamon here?
21:07Everyone knows
21:08About his charm
21:09And charisma
21:09I'm going to kill you
21:11Toast
21:15Can someone give me a cab?
21:36I don't like being around dead people
21:37Ah, good morning, Toast
21:42You're back
21:42Feeling any better?
21:44Much better, thanks
21:44Possibly due to my brother Blair
21:46Throwing me down 200 steps
21:48Seems to have reset my head
21:50Oh, just to warn you, Toast
21:51I had to give the ladder
21:52Back to Maureen Lipman
21:53Really?
21:54So we're going to have to use
21:55This length of rope
21:56To get to our bedrooms
21:57But isn't that Hugh Bennett's?
21:58Yes
21:59And we have to give that back soon
22:00So he can tie his horsebox
22:01To his Lamborghini
22:02Wait a moment, Toast
22:04Shouldn't you be with your father?
22:06Too late, Ed
22:06He's dead
22:07Oh, I'm so sorry
22:08How's Blair taking it?
22:10Not well
22:11I've never seen a man so furious
22:12Possibly due to the fact
22:14Him not being left the castle
22:15Or in fact anything
22:16In the will
22:17And who did he leave it to?
22:18John Ham
22:19Really?
22:20Well, he does have charm
22:22And a most enormous amount of charisma
22:23So, yes
22:24I'm not at all surprised
22:25Anyway
22:26Glad to have you back to normal
22:28Ooh
22:30She's just my type
22:32Who's that slice of good beauty?
22:34There's a complete unknown
22:37Called Pookie Hook
22:38No stage or screen experience
22:40And has landed a lead role
22:41In Star Wars
22:42And here she mentions
22:44That she's a great fan of yours
22:45Does she now?
22:47Maybe you could give her
22:49Some acting lessons
22:50Maybe I could
22:51Maybe I could
22:53She's a cracker
22:55Don't you think?
22:56Probably too young for you
22:58So take my hand
23:11Because I'm here to a club
23:14It's run too far from me
23:17No, I don't know you
23:19If you don't know me
23:21I just had to talk
23:23Do you just sing
23:25So take my hand
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