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00:00That's a cool hat, hmm? You DJing tonight?
00:04Oh, yeah. Dropping some MP3 bombs down at hip-hop karaoke.
00:06What about the social?
00:07No, no. Above the multi-story car park by the Westway.
00:10Oh, yeah, yeah. Have you, um, got any candies?
00:12Yeah, I've got loads, yeah. How many do you want?
00:13Just a few. I'm, uh, pulling an all-nighter, so I'm thinking...
00:17six?
00:19Can we get on with this?
00:21Have I got to sit and listen to you two talk about leg warmers all day?
00:24Sorry, man.
00:25Oh, Stephen, do you want a cup of tea before we start? There's a hell of a lot to get through.
00:28You're not lying. Jesus Christ.
00:29Trust me, what the hell is this? The Bible?
00:31Well, that's exactly what it is.
00:33We're recording an audiobook of the Bible.
00:34Were your agent not telling?
00:35No, she didn't.
00:37And if she hadn't told me I'd be reading the Bible,
00:39I wouldn't have fucking agreed to it.
00:41Hey, Stephen, this is Clem Fandango. Can you hear me?
00:43Uh, not really, cock.
00:44Not with all this Bible paper soundproofing the booth.
00:47Oh, cheers, Bernice.
00:48Oh, just a sec. Um, which copy is Stephen's?
00:51Yeah, well, just leave him here. I'll, uh, I'll take it in to him.
00:54What the fuck?
00:56Why are you fucking kidding me?
00:58Hey, those pills are intense. You'll be chewing the cup in.
01:00Why don't I put another one in there?
01:03Boy, where's my cup of tea?
01:05Coming.
01:05This is the most beautiful thing I've ever read.
01:19It's better than Shakespeare.
01:23And his ass was beautiful.
01:24I'll read this one again.
01:25Are we rolling?
01:27I love you.
01:28Yeah, and I love you.
01:30Did I tell you that I love you?
01:32Stop this. Let's go from the beginning.
01:34Oh, wait.
01:34Made me too much.
01:39I love you.
01:39I love you.
01:43We'll be dancing.
01:48I love you.
01:50What is that?
01:51I love you.
01:52I love you.
01:53I love you.
01:53I'm if you're a business actor.
01:55Then think I can push you into whatever time you Kristi.
01:59We can put you through the opening of a Wähler.
02:01Another one?
02:06Not for me, Ray. I'm on in ten.
02:08You see, I've timed it to perfection.
02:10If I start running now, I can clear Soho,
02:14pirouette past the Lyceum, ascend the bendy bridge,
02:17jump onto the South Bank
02:18and just sashay into the globe in exactly nine minutes.
02:22Marvellous! Simply spot on.
02:25Go and knock them dead, young cliff bonanza.
02:28There'll be one in the pipe for your return.
02:30OK.
02:32God, I envy the boy.
02:35Off he goes to speak the greatest verse ever written,
02:38delivered proudly upon the most hallowed timber that is,
02:41the Globe Theatre.
02:42You know, if I didn't have to hand over 90% of my income
02:46for child support to some actress I hadn't seen since 1979,
02:51wasn't burdened with a sizable mortgage
02:52or taken a semi-regular role in Boone,
02:56well, I too would be stood alongside him
02:58on that most prestigious of stages.
03:00Wouldn't we all cockaboo?
03:03You know, I feel an actor cannot truly call himself an actor
03:09until he's performed at the Globe.
03:12Couldn't agree with you more, Purchase.
03:14Remind me, Toast,
03:17when was the last time you performed at the Globe?
03:24I...
03:25I...
03:25Sorry, Toast, we didn't hear you.
03:28Could you project?
03:29Why have you got three fans, Jane?
03:41It's ridiculously hot!
03:43I was so embarrassed by Roe Purchase.
03:48I had to leave the club immediately.
03:49Ew!
03:50Could it get any hotter, Toast?
03:52According to Radio 4,
03:54we're currently experiencing the hottest weather
03:57since weather began.
03:59Why are you shouting, Jane?
04:01How did that play go?
04:02Why are you shouting, Jane?
04:04What?
04:05These fans are silent.
04:07You don't need to shout.
04:09How do you get on in that radio comedy show?
04:12Good audience.
04:13Might be a problem with that show.
04:15There were some people in wheelchairs at the front
04:17that I found particularly distracting,
04:19so I had them removed.
04:20I see.
04:22Hang on.
04:23That's dreadful behaviour.
04:25Kicking members of the audience out
04:26just because they're in wheelchairs.
04:28No, not because they're in wheelchairs, Jane,
04:30because I found them distracting.
04:32That could be the least politically correct thing
04:35anyone has ever done, ever.
04:37Remember, Toast,
04:38the PC police are everywhere these days.
04:42The what?
04:43Well, who cares?
04:45Ray bloody Purchase publicly humiliated me,
04:48and for once,
04:50I had no comeback.
04:51Well, you know what they say.
04:52An actor cannot really call himself an actor
04:55until he's performed.
04:55Performed at the Globe, I know.
04:57Which is why you are going to get me into the Globe.
05:01I'm what?
05:03You are going to get me into the Globe.
05:06They've all performed there.
05:08Kay Tightneck, Cockaboo, Peanut Whistle,
05:12Una Length, Dick Weirdly, Sal Commotion,
05:15Scott Chestnut, Basil Watchfair, Iqbal Achieve,
05:18Nanslack, Giuseppe Race, even Heathcote Pursuit.
05:22Every single one all performed at the Globe.
05:25It won't be easy, Toast.
05:26You'll have to impress Daz Klondike.
05:29He's taken over as creative director literally this morning.
05:32Yeah, I had heard a rumour.
05:34He is possibly the hottest,
05:36most controversial director in the biz right now.
05:39Enfant terrible, literally.
05:41The terrible child of British theatre.
05:43What, he's literally a child?
05:45Of course he's not a child.
05:46I'm translating from the French.
05:48He is a genius, though.
05:50His production of The Sound of Music at the Royal Court
05:52was sensational.
05:53It wasn't, Jane.
05:54It was pornographic.
05:55The man got arrested.
05:56So?
05:57So did Oscar Wilde.
05:58Didn't do him any harm, did it?
06:01Yes, it did.
06:03Anyway!
06:05Klondike's really going to shake up the globe.
06:07He loves trying Shakespeare in radically different ways.
06:10I'll call him now.
06:12India, Daz Klondike, patch me through.
06:14You may not want to be here when I do this.
06:16No, you just carry on.
06:17Then I'll know that you've definitely done it.
06:20Daz!
06:21How are you?
06:22Settling into a little house on the terms.
06:25Marvellous!
06:25Now, I've got another actor I'd like you to see.
06:28He's a bit older.
06:29Older than that.
06:30Quite a bit older.
06:32Way older!
06:33Get on with it.
06:33His name is Stephen Toast.
06:37Neither name can't picture the face.
06:38Have you got a spotlight directory in front of you?
06:40Oh, God.
06:41Oh, you're looking at it?
06:43Looks like a dog.
06:44Yes, that's him.
06:45What?
06:48Have I thought of entering that picture for Crofts?
06:52Oh, Dad, you are naughty.
06:54I'll send him round.
06:55Ciao, ciao.
06:56Bye-bye.
06:59Wuff, wuff.
07:02Bloody heart, Toast.
07:04It's the hottest weather since weather began.
07:08What are you reading, Ed?
07:10It's a movie script.
07:11I've been offered a part.
07:13It's a sequel to something I did years ago, which I remember as being rather fun.
07:17It's an erotic comedy.
07:20Porn film?
07:21No, Toast.
07:22An erotic comedy.
07:25New tablet?
07:26I'm pleased you noticed.
07:27Yes, it's made from blue spruce.
07:29Oh, blue spruce.
07:30The Scottish wood.
07:31Yes, it's all the rage at the moment.
07:33And these chairs are also made of blue spruce.
07:35Looks great.
07:36It is, though, incredibly flammable.
07:39If there was a fire, the place would go up in seconds.
07:41And with the fire service on strike at the moment, that could be catastrophic.
07:45Well, let's hope that doesn't happen.
07:46Oh, I see Daz Klondike has taken over at the Globe.
07:52Hmm.
07:53Oh, that's like Sid Vicious being put in charge of the Opera House.
07:55Yeah.
07:56I can't wait to see what he comes up with.
07:58Well, I'll know soon enough.
08:00I'm going to see him this afternoon.
08:01I used to love treading the boards at the Globe.
08:03Done a few stints in there in my time.
08:06When did you last perform at the Globe, Toast?
08:08I haven't performed at the Globe, not that it's any of your...
08:11What was that?
08:13I said I've...
08:14I've never, you know, at the Globe.
08:18Had sex at the Globe?
08:19Oh, I have.
08:20No, not had sex.
08:21I've never acted there.
08:22Yeah.
08:28Ed.
08:28Hmm?
08:29Toast?
08:29Do you think I look like a dog?
08:32Do I think you look like a dog?
08:37Not really.
08:41Why have you set an extra place at the table?
08:43Ah, that's for Kai.
08:44Who?
08:45Kai, he's my cousin's son from Australia.
08:48He's backpacking around Europe.
08:50G'day.
08:51I'm Kai.
08:52He actually says g'day.
08:54Kai, welcome.
08:55Welcome.
08:56Great to see you, Ed.
08:57Kai, this is Stephen Toast.
08:58How you doing, mate?
08:59Fuck off.
09:01What?
09:01Sorry, hi.
09:02My name's Stephen Toast.
09:04Ah, you're the other guy that lives here?
09:06Yes.
09:07Ed tells me your job's doing voiceovers.
09:09Did he now?
09:10I am an actor who occasionally engages in audio performances.
09:16He does quite a lot of voiceovers.
09:17That's so sellout, man.
09:19I don't know if you're a proper actor.
09:20Must be a bit like prostitution.
09:21Right, I'm out of here.
09:22Toast is off to the Globe.
09:24Globe Theatre?
09:25Yes.
09:25They say an actor can't really call himself an actor.
09:27Fuck off.
09:28Again.
09:30Oh.
09:30Oh!
09:32Ed, I've fallen over with the immense weight of this backpack.
09:35Yes, but let me deal with something here first.
09:39You really do look like a dog.
09:54Seeing your photo gave me an idea.
09:57Have you done much theatre, Toast?
09:58My life is theatre.
10:00Okay, but you never performed at the Globe.
10:03I mean, they say an actor cannot really call himself an actor until...
10:06Until you've performed at the Globe.
10:07What?
10:08Nothing.
10:11This desk.
10:12Is it made of bliss-bliss?
10:14It is.
10:15Well spotted.
10:16I'm impressed.
10:17Let's get down to brass tacks.
10:19Here's the thing.
10:20As you know, I've got a bit of a reputation as a pretty shithot left-wing director
10:24who's been brought in to bury his foot in Shakespeare's ass.
10:28Yep, I've heard that.
10:29So I'm thinking of kicking off the season with Twelfth Night.
10:32Great play.
10:33Yeah.
10:34And I'm going to do it with dogs.
10:36What?
10:37Did you just say you're going to do it with dogs?
10:39Mostly dogs.
10:40You're going to use dogs as actors?
10:42Yeah, I need to be radical.
10:43Things have got pretty stale around here.
10:45I want this to be a metaphor for what's happening in Syria.
10:48But dogs can't act.
10:49They said that about women, and then I put on an all-female production of Julius Caesar
10:53at the Donmar, and it was a complete triumph.
10:55Yeah, but dogs really can't act.
10:57I mean, I don't even think they can talk.
11:00Did you hear what I said?
11:01It's mostly dogs, not all dogs.
11:03That'd be fucking mental.
11:04But you, as a human being who looks like a dog, would be perfect to act alongside the
11:09other dogs.
11:10So I just need a couple of actors who look like dogs.
11:12An older dog, you, and a young pup.
11:17Come in.
11:21Ed sent me.
11:22You forgot your pipe?
11:23You'll do.
11:26What?
11:28This prick is not even an actor.
11:31Perfect.
11:31Did you just bark there as you reached your vinegar stroke?
11:47Did I?
11:48Must have dogs on the brain.
11:51It's Dad's bloody Klondike in his talking dog play.
11:54How brave of him to do a play with dogs.
11:56Typical Klondike.
11:57He loves working with non-actors.
11:59And I'm not surprised you're in it, because you do look exactly like a dog.
12:04Hmm.
12:05New bed, Mrs. P?
12:07Yes.
12:08Everything's made of blue spruce.
12:10It's all the rage.
12:12Now, yes, I know.
12:13Anyway, I got what I came for.
12:16Charming.
12:17Off to rehearse.
12:18Maybe I should pick up some dog food for lunch.
12:30Tell me any better, Ray.
12:32Oh, not too good, darling.
12:35Bloody leftover lasagna.
12:37Always makes my guts dance.
12:38Ah!
12:40I need to lie still.
12:43I think something's burning.
12:44What's this?
12:55I thought we were rehearsing.
12:57Nah.
12:57This is the photo shoot for the poster.
13:00We can rehearse later.
13:02More important to drum up business for the show with a sexy poster.
13:05So who are these?
13:06The other actors?
13:08Nah, they're just models.
13:09No one gives a fuck who's in Shakespeare as long as everyone looks good and the poster's
13:13right-catching.
13:15Why don't you take a break?
13:16Come back and say 12.30.
13:18Well, that's two hours.
13:26Hello?
13:27Hello?
13:30What?
13:31Leicester Square.
13:33Leicester Square?
13:34What the fuck are you talking about?
13:35Ah, eh.
13:36Leicester Square.
13:38Leicester Square.
13:40What, do you mean Leicester Square?
13:41Ah, yes!
13:42Yeah?
13:42Yes, yes!
13:44Why didn't you fucking say that?
13:46Please, help me?
13:48Help you?
13:49Wasted my fucking time when I'm walking down the street.
13:51It's a disgrace.
13:59What?
14:00No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
14:04What is this?
14:04Some kind of Roman orgy?
14:06You need to have a word, please.
14:07I'm really sorry.
14:09I bet you are.
14:10I'm really sorry.
14:11It's disturbing the other costumers.
14:13Out.
14:13Excuse me.
14:26I have no care.
14:28Is that reception?
14:38The air conditioning's broken.
14:41It's really hot outside.
14:43Could you send someone up?
14:44Right away, please.
14:45Bloody hell.
14:53That was quick.
14:55I hope you've got the right tool for the job, boy.
14:58Oh, I think I've got everything covered.
15:00No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:05Excuse me.
15:06What, you?
15:07Okay.
15:08I think I've got everything covered.
15:09Okay.
15:10Okay.
15:11Act three, scene one, from I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia, sir, to bring a Cressida to this Troilus.
15:19In your own time.
15:28Must you do that?
15:29Haven't you got some lines to learn or something?
15:32No.
15:33Dazza says I should just get a sense of the scene and then sort of allow myself into it.
15:38Might be something you should look at, because if you don't mind me saying, you come across as a bit of an arsehole.
15:43Well, you are.
15:46Okay, don't worry.
15:47You will get it.
15:50We're having a few teething problems with the dogs.
15:54Sorry, fellas.
15:55You can take a break.
15:58It's a challenge.
15:59They're dogs, for fuck's sake.
16:01Right.
16:02Now, this is radical.
16:03Your characters, they're kind of similar, don't you think?
16:06Plus, we never see them appear together.
16:08So, I'm going to combine them.
16:10You're going to what?
16:11How's it feeling there, guys?
16:14Fucking degrading.
16:15Great.
16:16Toast?
16:17I said it's great.
16:23All right, chaps.
16:24Don't know whose round it is, but make mine a large one.
16:27God, it's tiring rehearsing at the Globe.
16:30Do you want a bone to go with that toast?
16:33A bone?
16:34What are you talking about?
16:35It's all right, fellas.
16:36My shout.
16:37Straight glass toast, or would you prefer a bowl?
16:41A bowl?
16:43What the?
16:44Ruff, ruff.
16:47Oh, my God.
16:59No!
16:59More distortion.
17:00I told you I want to be able to smell the disdain.
17:03The audience won't even see my face.
17:06I'm playing the arse end of the dog.
17:08Okay, but they will be able to sense it.
17:10The people who come to see my show, they are not idiots.
17:12Look, we are really getting somewhere, Toast.
17:15The dogs are really getting into it now.
17:17And this could be my greatest ever production.
17:20And I honestly think could go some way to solving the problems in the Middle East.
17:25And, hey, we've still got three weeks, two days, and seven hours to opening night.
17:31This is going to be fantastic!
17:37No, it's no good.
17:38Kai, fire the dogs.
17:40The dogs are the coolest thing about it.
17:41Of course they weren't, you kangaroo cunt!
17:44Damn things never listened to me!
17:46It was a crazy idea!
17:48Why didn't you try and stop me?
17:50Huh?
17:51What?
17:52Too busy trying to get the globe on your CV?
17:56We could all be ruined.
17:58So if anyone can think of anything,
18:01now would definitely be the time to step forward.
18:11What?
18:13Well, we are an ancient wooden structure.
18:18That desk is made of blue spruce,
18:21which, as you know, is the most flammable substance known to man.
18:25And the fire brigade are still on strike.
18:28So, suppose I were to lay my lit pipe right there.
18:36What do you think might happen?
18:38Gentlemen, I think we should leave.
18:50The British theatrical world has been reeling
18:52after the world-famous Globe Theatre burned down in a fire,
18:56which the police are treating as arson.
18:58The Globe Theatre is, or was,
19:02one of the jewels in the crown of the British theatre community.
19:06I can't believe that an actor would have done something so dreadful.
19:10I would suspect they won't be an actor for much longer.
19:13We all love the Globe.
19:14Well, I mean, I've only just heard.
19:16It's absolutely unspeakable.
19:17I don't know what to think.
19:18I think every actor in the country is appalled
19:20that a theatre like the Globe can go down
19:23all because of one man's vanity.
19:26He's disrespected the craft of acting.
19:29He's disrespected Shakespeare.
19:30It's appalling.
19:32It's a tragedy.
19:33What a wanker.
19:34Utterly pathetic.
19:35Some colossal twat has burnt it down.
19:48Jane!
19:49What the bloody hell were you thinking, Toast?
19:51You clownish pyro.
19:53Hang on.
19:54Shut up, arsonist!
19:57Stephen Gonville Toast,
19:59the man who never performed at the Globe Theatre,
20:02then, in a fit of jealousy,
20:04burnt the bloody thing down.
20:06No, it didn't happen like that.
20:07But that's what they'll say.
20:08The Globe's been there since 1599.
20:12What were you scared of?
20:13Getting a bad review?
20:15No.
20:15When other actors get bad reviews,
20:17their reaction is not normally to burn down the theatre.
20:20You're lucky we were able to blame young Kai.
20:23God rest his soul.
20:25But you won't be able to weasel out of this one, Toast,
20:27because everyone in the business knows it was you.
20:31It wasn't like that.
20:32Poor Das Klondike.
20:34Got his leg caught under a burning beam.
20:37He may never walk again.
20:39Who cares?
20:40You burnt down the Globe!
20:43Thus almost causing the second great fire of London.
20:49I'd probably never work again.
20:52Why are you holding a letter aloft, Jane?
20:54It's for you.
20:55It was delivered personally this afternoon.
20:58What is it?
20:58It's a fine.
21:00A fine? For how much?
21:01£1,000.
21:03But that's all the money I have.
21:05Who's it from?
21:06The PC Police.
21:08What, they actually exist?
21:10Of course they bloody exist.
21:11They're everywhere.
21:12What's the fine for?
21:15Throwing disabled audience members out of a recording.
21:19Oh.
21:20Abusing a foreign tourist on the street.
21:27Complaining about a woman breastfeeding in public.
21:31And being seen going into a porn theatre.
21:36Well, that's it.
21:37I'm finished.
21:39Oh, and, um, one more thing.
21:44For 50 years I've stared at your face.
21:4825, actually.
21:49I've listened to your shit with good grace.
21:53But I really cannot take any more.
21:56If you do, then I'll have nothing at all.
22:13I beg you, Jane, I play night and blow.
22:17Oh, so please don't take my face off the road.
22:25Would you like this?
22:27Or shall I throw it straight in the bin?
22:29You can't fire me, Jane.
22:31Apart from Ed, you're all I have.
22:34Well, then maybe Ed can get you a job.
22:37It's quite urgent.
22:48So could you send someone straight away, please?
22:54Blimey.
22:55That was quick.
22:56The boss said it was a two-man job, so I brought my assistant.
23:00He's a virgin.
23:01Cats!
23:05Toast!
23:06Look excited!
23:07I want to smell the excitement!
23:10Toast!
23:11More!
23:11More!
23:12More!
23:13More!
23:13More!
23:13More!
23:20So take my hand
23:23Because I'm here to work on
23:26It's gone too far from me
23:28No, I don't know you
23:30You don't know me
23:32I just had to talk to you
23:35To see some save my hand
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