- 4 months ago
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00:00Stand and deliver, Coachman.
00:03Hand me that mask and I'll blow your brains out.
00:06Very well, Coachman. You were warned.
00:08Now prepare to meet thy maker.
00:11Bang.
00:12Lord Walford, I'll give you three seconds to open the carriage door
00:15or I'll smash the glass.
00:17Sm-
00:18Smash!
00:24I warned you, Lord Walford!
00:26Whack!
00:26That's great, Ray.
00:27Thanks, Danny.
00:28Why am I doing sound effects?
00:30Just following the client's instructions.
00:31Here we go. One minute into the job, Toast starts complaining.
00:34You've got a script. Quit your bellyaching or you'll be professional.
00:37Fuck off.
00:37It's just me saying the words.
00:39Hi, Stephen. I'm Clem Fandango.
00:41I know who you are. It's just me saying the words. Why?
00:43When the script is indicated at various places.
00:45If, for instance, during the robbery, we need the sound of a bang.
00:49Well, then use the sound of a real gunshot.
00:51Not just me saying bang.
00:53And later on here, it says honk.
00:56Sound of a horn, yeah.
00:57Well, honk doesn't sound like a horn.
00:58It just sounds like a fella going honk.
01:01Might have something to help you there.
01:05Good call, Danny.
01:06Thanks.
01:07Cheers.
01:09Right, Stephen. In your own time.
01:11In your own time.
01:16That's great, Stephen.
01:17And keep going.
01:20And keep going.
01:21And keep going.
01:25And keep going.
01:29Ah, Almond, how are you?
01:58Mighty glad to be getting out of this place, I can tell you, Ed.
02:02I'll toast you here, too.
02:04All right, old chap.
02:05Are you ready?
02:06Thanks for connecting me, you two.
02:08Loyal friends.
02:09Loyal friends.
02:10We'll have you safely back in your cosy flat in a couple of hours.
02:13Terrific.
02:14I wonder if we might just stop off down the road.
02:19There's a delightful-looking old country pub that I saw from the ambulance on the way here.
02:23Is that wise, Ormond?
02:25You've just spent three months in rehab for chronic alcoholism.
02:28Oh, nonsense.
02:29I'm completely cured now.
02:32One little sniff does hardly going to make any difference.
02:35What do you think, Toast?
02:36All right, but just the one, though.
02:45What the hell do you know about the theatre?
02:48I was treading the boards and powdering my face when your mother was powdering your arse.
02:56It's a bit of a slipper.
03:03Ah, Ormond, how are you?
03:05Well, I'm marginally glad to be out of this place, if I can tell you.
03:09Thanks for collecting me, you two.
03:11Loyal friends.
03:12Loyal friends.
03:13We'll have you safely back in your cosy flat in a couple of hours.
03:18I wonder if we might just stop off.
03:20I remember what happened last time, Ormond.
03:21We went to that pub, you got wildly drunk, we went to immediately drop you off back in rehab.
03:26Come on, boys.
03:28It's hardly likely to happen again, is it?
03:32Have I seen Shopping and Fucking?
03:36Somebody actually called their play Shopping and...
03:40We are teetering on the eve of Sodom, and you tell me that this is progress?
03:53Honestly, Toast, I give you strict...
03:56Simple instructions to take him home.
03:58But no, you had the great idea of transporting a recovering alcoholic straight from rehab to the pub.
04:08Seven times.
04:10Jane, you don't know how persuasive he can be.
04:12Just the one, he said.
04:13They all say that, you cretin.
04:15This always happens when he's not working.
04:18Luckily, when he comes out in three months' time, I've got him a job in Man of Sex at the Playhouse.
04:24Man of Sex?
04:25Isn't that the play I'm doing with Ray Bloody Purchase?
04:27Yes.
04:27And you both can keep an eye on Ormond and make sure he stays off the source.
04:31Well, luckily, he's hardly in it.
04:34Ah, yes.
04:34Why did you say...
04:37Ah, yes.
04:38...to me like that, Jane?
04:40Sorry.
04:42I should have been looking for a piece of paper on my desk, couldn't I?
04:44No.
04:45Ah, yes.
04:47But what is it?
04:49Oh, this might interest you.
04:50Your ex-wife, Ellen.
04:51My ex-wife, Ellen?
04:52She's about to publish a book.
04:54What kind of book?
04:55Is it fiction?
04:56Jenny Cooper type of thing?
04:57No, not fiction.
04:57Autobiography, I imagine.
04:59Oh, God.
05:00Obviously, you were married to her for 12 years.
05:03Anything we need to be worried about?
05:05Any skeletons in your cupboard she's likely to uncover?
05:08She's bound to mention me a lot.
05:10And it won't be entirely flattering.
05:12When did you last see her?
05:14About a year ago.
05:15No, Ellen.
05:16If you want to gain entrance to the house, you'll have to go through your lawyers.
05:20Out of my way, toast!
05:22No, Ellen, I'm standing firm.
05:24Don't ever tell me what to do!
05:29Oh!
05:30Ha, ha, ha, ha!
05:39Funny, funny stuff!
05:41No, it wasn't, Jane.
05:42I was in tremendous pain.
05:45Anyway, I'm off up the hill to Bedfordshire.
05:48Literally.
05:49Bedfordshire?
05:49Isn't that where your new girlfriend lives?
05:51Yes, it is.
05:52The drummer lady.
05:55Varity Matt.
05:56She happens to be a doctor of drumming.
05:58I didn't know you could be a doctor of drumming.
06:01Well, you can feel very good at the drumming.
06:03Fascinating.
06:04It is fascinating.
06:05I'm going to see her gaff for the first time.
06:07She's promised to cook for me.
06:09Lucky toast.
06:10Oof!
06:11True.
06:11It is fascinating.
06:19Look down.
06:20I don't know.
06:50Ah, toast.
07:14There you are.
07:16Come in.
07:17It's open.
07:18Welcome to Chez Moi.
07:22There's quite a lot of drums, Varity.
07:25Yes.
07:26Well, I'm rehearsing a piece for the symphony orchestra, so I'm very much in the zone.
07:32So, what do you want to do?
07:34Well, I'm starving.
07:35You said you were going to cook me something.
07:37Yes, I did, didn't I?
07:40Yes, you did.
07:42Pour me a glass, toast.
07:44Red, white or frosé?
07:47Why not open all three?
07:48Yeah.
07:49Hmm.
07:50Hmm.
07:51Hmm.
07:52Hmm.
07:53Hmm.
07:54Hmm.
07:55Hmm.
07:56Hmm.
07:57Hmm.
07:58Hmm.
07:59Hmm.
08:00Hmm.
08:01Hmm.
08:02Hmm.
08:03Oh, Jesus Christ, woman!
08:04Jesus Christ, woman!
08:08Supremely talented and very much in demand for her skills.
08:11She's a great gal.
08:13Her grandfather was quite famous, you know.
08:15Frank Forfuck, round-the-world yachtsman.
08:17I have his autobiography, Forfuck's Sake.
08:20You must remember it. No, I don't.
08:22You must remember it. Forfuck's Sake.
08:24No, I don't. That's what it's called.
08:28Ah, yes.
08:31So, how long have you two been stepping out now?
08:33Three months.
08:34And I can honestly say I hardly notice her incessant drumming any more.
08:38And is this syncopation matched by her rhythmic gyrations in the bedroom?
08:42Well, let's just say we're very much in sync
08:43when it comes to the art of lovemaking.
08:50What the hell is that?
08:51Ah, it's a charity calendar, produced by Healthy Man Monthly.
08:55It's a chap's doo-dah.
08:56Yes.
08:58Twelve male celebrities agreed to have their privates photographed.
09:01This one is, let me see, er...
09:03Right. Giles Brandreth.
09:05Oh.
09:06Who else is in there?
09:08You've got Prince Charles.
09:11Ian Hislop.
09:13John Bishop.
09:13Who?
09:14The Archbishop of Canterbury.
09:16That's enough.
09:16A bit squeamish toast.
09:18It's no different to calendar girls, remember?
09:20Calendar girls were just mild twee vulgarity.
09:23That, however, is a different box of Skittles.
09:27I mean, it's enough to put a chap off his boiled egg.
09:31It's all for a good cause.
09:33Thing is, Ed,
09:35I've never actually seen another chap's...
09:38in the flesh-like.
09:39No?
09:40No.
09:41Oh, I have. Several hundred.
09:42But that's mostly because I used to work a lot with Trevor Nunn.
09:45Oh.
09:46Simon Callow.
09:47Simon Callow.
09:48Oh, yes, I recognise that one.
09:50From A Room With A View.
09:51Yeah.
09:53I don't think I'd like to see one in the flesh, though.
09:55I don't know how I'd react.
09:57Don't worry, toast.
09:58It'll probably never happen.
10:00Yeah.
10:04Ha!
10:04That is fantastic!
10:07I picked it up at Alacanta Airport.
10:10As I was coming up the stairs,
10:12I could have sworn I heard the voice of Bill Bloody Purchase.
10:15The ever so slightly more intelligent albino twin
10:19of Ray Bloody Purchase.
10:21Is that you toast?
10:22I was wondering if you'd drop in.
10:24How come you're back in London?
10:26Run out of old deers to rip off on the Costadel crime?
10:30Same old toast.
10:32Always the charmer.
10:33Toast, come and look at this.
10:35Bill Purchase brought me back a present.
10:38What is it?
10:38Come and have a look at the donkey.
10:40Just get as close as you can to its rear end.
10:44What, like this?
10:45Yes.
10:48Isn't that hilarious?
10:50It's real shit as well.
10:51You'd better bloody not be.
10:54By the way, how's your ex-wife?
10:56You what?
10:57I heard she's about to spill the beans in a new book.
11:00Who knows what's your reveal?
11:02Getting nervous, toast?
11:04Why don't you bugger off?
11:07Don't be like that, old chap.
11:09Although I probably should.
11:10I'm going to meet my brother, Ray Purchase, at the Colonial.
11:13Ta-ta for now.
11:14Ciao.
11:18Why the hell you let him in, Jane?
11:20He's keen to get back into something in the West End.
11:23I suspect he's on the run again.
11:26Bad enough having to swerve around one idiot purchase without throwing another one into the mix.
11:31You're unhappy with your purchases.
11:34You what?
11:36What a pair.
11:38A clueless half-wit and a con man.
11:40Didn't you and Bill Purchase once do a play together?
11:43Yeah.
11:43Always playing childish pranks on other actors.
11:46He's well known for it.
11:47Speaking of plays, how are rehearsals going for Man of Sex?
11:50Amazingly, Ormond has remained totally sober.
11:52As I said, as long as he's working, he's fine.
11:55Fingers crossed for opening night.
12:01And I truly am a man of sex.
12:08Champagne, Ian, please.
12:11Well, I think for an opening night that went rather well.
12:15Would you put that on toast?
12:16Oh, bless you, Ian.
12:19I'd lose the Welsh accent toast.
12:20It's clearly not working.
12:22I wasn't doing a piss-off purchase.
12:24Come on, boys.
12:25Let's not argue.
12:27Time for a tiny celebration.
12:29Before the reviews come in.
12:32Jill Queer was outstanding.
12:35Is she coming along?
12:36I saw her putting Ormond in his taxi.
12:38Oh, good.
12:39He's being sensible.
12:40And he's promised to have that George Best operation.
12:44You're the one that makes you physically sick
12:46if alcohol enters your bloodstream.
12:49Did it work for George?
12:51I think it did.
12:52Ha!
12:53Just, uh, nip to the lady loo.
12:56That's not the lady loo again, is it?
12:58Ormond, no!
13:00Oh, shit.
13:00Your taxi!
13:01No, no, no, Ormond.
13:02You need to go home.
13:03Oh, come on.
13:04Just one little drink won't do any harm.
13:07It is an opening night after all.
13:08Just a tiny, beanie little Scotchlit.
13:12All right, toast?
13:13What do you say?
13:14Well, all right, just the one.
13:16Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
13:18Cheers!
13:21Jane, it's not my fault.
13:23He said he'd just have the one.
13:25He's a chronic alcoholic toast.
13:27He now has to go into hospital to have that George Best operation.
13:31So, man of sex or an actor short because Sacker is back on the booze.
13:35So, I've been onto production and I've contacted a few people.
13:38Who?
13:38Baz Ravish.
13:40Who's good?
13:41Tony Excalibur.
13:42Good.
13:42Champion House.
13:43I think he's dead.
13:44Cockaboo.
13:45Great dancer.
13:46Michael Prance.
13:47Still in jail, I think.
13:48Church Weaver.
13:49Very good.
13:50And Heathcote Pursuit.
13:51Wanker, but very good.
13:53Are any of these available?
13:54No.
13:55I'll ring around a few more.
13:58Verity, it might be time to stop the drumming, do you think?
14:04Jane, what do you want?
14:05I found someone.
14:08Who?
14:08Bloody thrilled to be back on the boards in this play, Toast.
14:14No, no, no.
14:15Keeping it in the family, Toast.
14:16Brothers in arms.
14:17It'll be superb to share the stage again.
14:20I jumped at the chance to step in when Jane told me about it.
14:23Helps that I know the play backwards.
14:24We were in it together when it first opened in Southampton.
14:28Your ex-wife's from Southampton, isn't she, Toast?
14:30How the hell do you know that?
14:32It was in her book.
14:34Her book isn't out yet.
14:35Oh, uh, Jane must have told me, uh...
14:38Bill, was it Bristol where you put a tarantula in Simon Russell Bill's helmet?
14:42Nottingham. That put him off his coriolanus.
14:45That's outrageous.
14:47And where did you do a shit in Wendy Craig's Muesli?
14:50Manchester.
14:51She hardly knew the difference.
14:55Bill has a terrific sense of humor.
14:57If I caught an actor doing anything like that, I'd make sure he was given his bloody cards.
15:03Now, don't you get any ideas, Bill Patches?
15:06Calm down, Toast.
15:07We all enjoy a joke.
15:09But at the end of the day, you'll find I'm as professional as the next man.
15:12So, nice place you've got here.
15:39It maybe beats you, but it suits us.
15:43Darling, I'm just going to show Rosemary around.
15:45Sure. Have fun.
15:48Who's the chap with the gong?
15:49That's a live sculpture.
15:51Stephanie saw it in New York and she wanted it.
15:54Whatever Stephanie wants, Stephanie gets.
15:58Can I be direct, Cyril?
16:00Go ahead.
16:01It's Rosemary. She's been reading your novel.
16:05What's it called again?
16:06Man of sex.
16:08She's getting all kinds of ideas.
16:11If Rosemary wants to spread her sexual wings, maybe you should let her fly.
16:16Don't blame me, Richard. I just wrote the book.
16:20I should phone my father.
16:22Of course.
16:26See if he's caught his train.
16:36Don't think I haven't noticed the way Rosemary's been looking at you.
16:44It's because of that bloody book.
16:47I can't stop people from reading my book.
16:50And you just stopped drinking champagne.
16:53Makes you imagine things.
16:54The way I imagined your affair with Louise.
17:00Anyone seen Rosemary?
17:04Of course you'd bring up Louise.
17:07You and your jealous rages.
17:09I'd just been shortlisted for the Booker Prize.
17:24How old was she?
17:29Nineteen?
17:30You stand there with that ridiculous...
17:42You stand there...
17:50You stand there...
17:58You stand there with that ridiculous pipe in your mouth.
18:07Puffing away without a care in the world.
18:14And then I had to put it in my mouth.
18:16Just after it'd been up his...
18:18I'm gonna complain.
18:20And of course Ray Purchase is there cheering him on.
18:22At least things are going well with you and Varity.
18:24Aren't they?
18:27I mean, she's a great gal, but the incessant drum is now really starting to get on my tits.
18:33I might have to break it up.
18:34Oh dear.
18:35She's very keen to see the play.
18:37So we're gonna drive to her cottage, have sex, then drive straight back to London and see the show.
18:42Ah, lovely.
18:43Maybe I'll finish it after the performance.
18:46Thing is, I'm no good at this break-up stuff.
18:48Not unless I absolutely hate the person concerned.
18:52Ah, I see your ex-wife Ellen is writing her autobiography.
18:55I wonder what she has to say about you.
18:58Well, we weren't married for 12 years.
19:00That's potentially a lot of damaging ammunition.
19:03Oh, almost forgot.
19:05Time to change the month on my healthy man monthly calendar.
19:09April...
19:10Michael Ball.
19:12Oh.
19:12Appropriately?
19:14Well, that means it's April Fool's Day,
19:15which also means that Bill Purchase is bound to play a particularly cruel prank.
19:19Better watch yourself then, Toast.
19:21I'm just...
19:30Verity.
19:37Verity, you've got the wipers on.
19:38It's not even raining.
19:45Verity, isn't that a bit dangerous?
19:51I've got the keys to the wheels.
19:55I'll put some money aside.
19:57Disappear from this world, no one would mind.
20:02Fly through the air, leaving no trail.
20:06Cause when you're in space, they can't hear you fail.
20:14Let's escape from it all, become someone new.
20:19I'm annoying, I know.
20:21Yep.
20:21But what can you do?
20:23I'd just like to drown.
20:26So put me in jail, cause when you're in space, they can't hear you fail.
20:32Cause when you're in space, they can't hear you fail.
20:36I'm sorry.
20:43Ah.
20:44Cyril.
20:45Stephanie.
20:46Rosemary.
20:47Would you two girls mind if Richard and I talked shop?
20:50We won't be long.
20:51Yes, yes, of course.
20:52It's getting late.
20:54I'll see you in the morning.
20:55I'll come directly to the point, Richard.
21:02Stephanie, Rosemary, and myself will be having sex tonight.
21:06Now, you can either join us or you can go home.
21:10The choice is you.
21:20Is he all right?
21:21Yeah, he'll be fine.
21:22Is there a doctor in the house?
21:25Yes.
21:28Are you a doctor?
21:29Yes.
21:30Doctor of drumming.
21:32Goodness, I can't hear a heartbeat.
21:33Clear.
21:36Clear.
21:36One.
21:37Clear.
21:38Two.
21:39Clear.
21:39Three.
21:40Barathe, we need to talk.
21:41No.
21:42This might not be the best time.
21:44Clear.
21:44Clear.
21:45Ah!
21:52Toast?
21:53How are you toast?
21:55God.
21:56At least you're able to sit up this time.
21:58Love the yellow pyjamas face, snazzy.
22:01I had a lucky escape, Jo.
22:05I almost had a heart attack, but not quite.
22:07The doctor says I have an extremely weak heart,
22:10and I should be careful not to suffer any major shocks in the near future.
22:13You'll be out soon enough, Toast.
22:15Oh, by the way, did you get a copy of Ellen's book?
22:17I had it sent round earlier.
22:28Don't worry, Toast.
22:29I've been through the book.
22:30You are not mentioned once.
22:37Maybe just a small one before surgery.
22:39Buh!
22:40Buh!
22:49So take my hands,
22:51you're just a human,
22:53to a comfort zone.
22:55Too far from here,
22:57no, I don't know you,
22:59you don't know me.
23:01I just had to talk to you.
23:05Things I'm saying, my hand
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