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00:00.
00:21Very well.
00:23They're coming.
00:25Now we'll see how these Russians deal with a crack SS division.
00:30Uh, Hans.
00:32Have courage, my friend.
00:34Yeah, er...
00:36Hans, I've just noticed something.
00:38These communists are all cowards.
00:41Have you looked at our caps recently?
00:45Our caps?
00:47The badges on our caps.
00:49Have you looked at them?
00:51What? No. A bit.
00:54They've got skulls on them.
00:57Hmm?
00:59Have you noticed that our caps have actually got little pictures of skulls on them?
01:04I... I don't, er...
01:06Hans...
01:08Are we the baddies?
01:11It's Angel Summoner.
01:16And BMX Bandits.
01:20While he's from Southern Angels.
01:23He on the rise of BMX.
01:27They're crying fighting duo.
01:30Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch...
01:32Oh, yeah!
01:37Okay, Angel Summoner.
01:38The kidnappers are holding a hostage in that warehouse.
01:41But I've got a plan.
01:42Okay, BMX Bandit, let's hear it.
01:44it let's hear it by riding through that window using my BMX and spin my rear
01:49wheel kicking some mud up into their faces while they're distracted I'll pop
01:53a wheelie knocking the guns out of their hands then you go in and untie the girl
01:57right or I could just summon a horde of angels but then how would I be using my
02:06BMX you wouldn't need to the angels would just take care of it
02:11oh okay we could do that if you want
02:16angelic hordes come for
02:23thank you angel summoner oh and the BMX bandit
02:29whatever
02:31hello and welcome to number one the maths quiz that simply everyone is talking about our contestants
02:44today are Julie from Somerset and Simon who is from Somerset so before we get Julie any hobbies down
02:49there in Somerset yes Simon no great well if you're ready let's play number one
02:54wang Julie to play first three nine sixteen twelve eight point two four that's number
03:03wang round two seven thirty oh eighteen fifty four that's number wang let's go to the
03:11maths board Julie I have the four the six that's number wang we like those decimals
03:17Julie Simon I'd like the root 14 and a 12 that's number one round three Julie to play first eight minus
03:23four that's number wang Simon 109 times 17 that's number wang Julie 47
03:30that's the number wang bonus triple number wang to Julie so Julie you're ahead on 77
03:35Simon you trail on 83 everything hinges on this final round yes it's time for wanganum
03:39let's rotate the board
03:54welcome back let's play wanganum Julie to play first 43 Simon 27 200
04:01three one one one one one one one that's wanganum oh bad luck Julie you've been wanganum but
04:15Simon you are today's number wang that's all from number wang but until tomorrow's edition stay
04:20number wang and remember out there good number wang
04:24that bar is badly understaffed it started oh and that's a bad mess it's very upsetting for him
04:44Harry Vaughan of course is old enough to remember the days when that long walk back from the table
04:49ended in the constellation of a proper drink instead all he can do is imagine that pint at the
04:56end of the session the cooling lagery swallow and that first suck on a Lambert what's a contrast
05:05look at Harry Vaughan there staring mournfully at his water look at that you could put a goldfish
05:13in that glass and it wouldn't even die
05:18hello it's me Jason you know me I came fourth in big brother seven and then third in celebrity big
05:25brother three just six months later
05:27like yeah why don't you do that bit how not what to look like how not what to look like
05:42this week's volunteer is Anita who's from Coventry where she's a mother and a homemaker what a builder
05:54or a housewife chemistry hi now just before we get started the burka is that that stays obviously
06:11uh David yeah I'm a bit worried about that actually why well the whole burka thing I'm I'm not sure we
06:32quite know what we're trying to say do we have to be saying anything well no but I mean aren't we just
06:41taking the piss out of people's sincerely held beliefs well maybe but I think you can worry too
06:47much about this kind of thing I mean what's offensive to one person is just good clean fun
06:53yeah I see you've started blacking up again
07:04was that because you were playing an Asian woman no I just like it right it's more me okay
07:18don't you think people might think that I don't care what people think okay I've got to the point
07:25where I just don't care what people think anymore
07:31okay that's the boat with the cocaine on board I'll ride to the end of the pier on my BMX hook onto the
07:50crane and swing on board surprising the burly henchmen then I'll pop a wheelie and knock them
07:55overboard and you can come in and grab the cartel leader yeah yeah sounds good or we could just
08:02use the angels again I could summon them no problem yeah all right call the angels shall we
08:10do it right you don't seem at all happy well we're supposed to be a partnership but to be honest I'm
08:21starting to feel a little bit overshadowed here oh right why why is that well I think the thing is
08:26that your ability to summon a horde of celestial superbeams at will is making my BMX skills look a bit
08:34redundant yeah well but at the end of the day it's all about results well yeah but I'm quite good
08:42on my BMX I tell you what we'll use the angels this time but the next crisis we're involved in
08:50we'll solve using BMX based tactics all right yeah okay go on summon them angelic hordes come forth
09:00I could have done that this is nice Henry isn't it I think it's amazing the way restaurants have
09:18changed in this country over the last 20 years yeah I mean what with gastropubs and all by one
09:22things like that it's just so easy now are you ready to order sir sorry mate um haven't really had a
09:29look yet but um can we order a bottle of the house red to be going on with mate the house red to be
09:36going on with where the hell do you think you are do you even know what the house red is are you even
09:44an expert on wine because if you're not I don't know on what basis you venture to order it sorry what
09:51happened to the friendly Australian girl that used to work here she's gone sir they've all gone
09:57and we're back the incredibly posh people who are still unaccountably waiters
10:04I'm afraid we've changed the rules well we'd still like to order I saw you in here last week I saw you drinking your soup I saw you blowing and slurping and dunking your bread
10:18bread we were watching you on the monitors in the kitchen and we all thought you were a dick
10:23I can't believe you talk to paying customers like this and I can't believe you're continuing with this
10:30you know that I can destroy you observe my trolley these are my weapons
10:36today I'm recommending the consomme which as every schoolboy knows provided your school wasn't free
10:42it's to be consumed only using a vichy soise fork it's all in the rest and for sir crab which you're supposed to tackle using this
10:56make sure you kill it right or it's poisonous off you go
11:01you're not allowed to swap
11:07my my it's like watching the generation game I expect that's a reference you get
11:16right I've had just about enough of you talking to me like this I'd like to see the manager
11:20how can I possibly introduce you to the manager
11:23you haven't shaved you're not wearing a tie and you hold your ladle like a pen
11:27now take your quality but gratifyingly mute girlfriend and get out
11:33oh and that's a bad miss
11:38special thank you to mrs. L. Beasley from Suffolk who's written to say how much she's been enjoying
11:45the coverage and she sent us a little present oh well people every now and again like to show
11:52their appreciation when when they've been enjoying the tournament so oh my word that is that is much
12:01appreciated thank you very much mrs. N. Beanley please leave it we won't embarrass you by saying what it
12:10is but just to say you know cheers very nice yeah it's it's like Christmas isn't it it is Christmas oh shit the kids
12:23all right let's see we should be able to hold them at this point here at least for a few hours
12:32why skulls though why skulls well maybe they're the skulls of our enemies maybe but is that how it comes
12:43across it doesn't say next to the skull you know yeah we killed him but trust us this guy was horrid
12:50well no but I mean what does skulls make you think of death cannibals beheading
12:59pirates pirates of fun I didn't say we weren't fun but fun or not pirates are still the baddies
13:07I just can't think of anything good about a skull what about pure Aryan skull shape even that is
13:14more usually depicted with the skin still on whereas the allies oh you haven't been listening to ally
13:20propaganda of course they're gonna say we're the bad guys but they didn't get to design our uniforms
13:25and their symbols are all you know quite nice stars stripes lions sickles what's so good about a
13:33sickle well nothing and obviously if there's one thing we've learned in the last thousand miles of
13:37retreat is that Russian agriculture is in dire need of mechanization but you've got to say it's better
13:43than a skull I mean I really can't think of anything worse as a symbol than a skull rats anus yeah and if
13:57we were fighting an army marching under the banner of a rat's anus I'd probably be a lot less worried
14:01Hans okay so
14:27good evening and welcome to big talk your weekly gullet full of the massively important I'm Raymond
14:33terrific and as usual gathered around me are about the biggest bunch of eggheads and brainiacs that
14:37taxis can be sent to fetch together we're gonna be thrashing out some absolutely colossal issues
14:42right first up AIDS pandemic in Africa come on boffins let's sort this out once and for all what do we
14:48reckon Richard well as usual Raymond you've raised an absolutely huge question of course I have Richard
14:53this is big talk let's get this sorted once and for all well I think the root of the problem is in
14:59education right send more sleeves rolled up ships full of schools is that the answer Leonard no I
15:04don't think right cancel the school ships come on boffins let's really bang our heads together on
15:09this one yes Danielle you're about the biggest boffin here sort these guys out and let's stop the
15:13dying if we can just about be bothered well I think it's less about education and more about money money
15:17right they need money okay how much money Tim well how much money Tim to get this sorted
15:22Leonard Leonard don't desert me boffins 700 billion pounds oh no that's enormous where are we gonna find
15:38that come on boffins work it out right I've got a house worth 300k so 700 billion minus three hunt oh we
15:46are nowhere near right okay get some pizza in speed dial three we're gonna crack this if it takes all
15:54night yeah it's a medical drama but with the emphasis on drama rather than medicine I think you get far
16:04too bogged down in so-called research yeah the producer arranged for us to follow a team of
16:09paramedics around for a month but instinctively that felt wrong I mean a month yeah we just
16:16wanted to cut through all that holiday boat yeah we just wanted to cut through all that high-flown
16:20medical jargon and just really get into what makes people tick do people take yeah I think so
16:28last week on emergency medical treatment that never gets any easier this patient is incredibly poorly my
16:44god I don't think I've ever seen anyone looking so peaky get me the medicine in here right now
16:48this is my patient I'm doing the medical treatment here I'm sorry Steve I can't let you do that you're
16:55just a sort of doctor who makes people go to sleep for operations whereas I specialize in people who've
16:59been in the wars in this particular way you fool nurse this is medicine for a different illness from
17:07this one yes definitely but we need to give you a spoonful of the right medicine and maybe a tablet
17:14I'm afraid this isn't gonna taste very nice I'm going to use the electric shock that's the sort of
17:22medicine if you're very ill but can make your sort of ill if you're fine oh no he was fine now he's poorly
17:33from too much electric because of death doctor well one thing's for sure he liked butter so who
17:44should we invite to our next do oh let's invite money penny oh yeah let's have money penny she's
17:50always good value although what there's a chance she'll bring that bloke oh god yeah I think I know the
17:58one you mean the tall one what's his name John James James yeah what a penis well you remember last
18:06time it was only a barbecue and he turned up in his tuxedo stood around making smug remarks I don't
18:12know what money penny sees in him well you remember that drinks do I had just before Christmas money
18:16penny brings John James James along oh god but I thought Christmas spirit absolutely so I said hi
18:22James we've got mulled wine or I think there's some beer in the fridge yeah cock ass for a martini
18:28a martini a martini yeah oh come on so I said I'm sorry James I don't think I've got any martini I
18:35mean why would I have any martini what do you think it is 1973 I mean where does that guy get off he
18:42keeps leaving these around I think he gets them free at work it's money penny I feel sorry for
18:47you see when I was going around with the body what well I said to money penny can you manage
18:53another finger in there meaning finger of vodka in her glass of drink exactly self-explanatory yeah
18:58and then James starts rolling his eyes like he's having some kind of stroke and says oh you can
19:05always get another finger inside money penny he said what I just literally did not know where to
19:13look inside money penny I know and I don't think money penny was even at all turned on well she was
19:20probably still recovering from the Darren incident oh what was that oh didn't you hear well Darren
19:25turned up and anyway starts getting a bit lippy about James's cigarette case what did he say oh said
19:30it was gay well it is gay yeah I know exactly anyway everyone's laughing thinking bit cheeky but you
19:36know and then suddenly James picks him up and throws him through a window bloody hell is that why Darren
19:43can't walk now poor guy landed on a railing spike and it went straight through his spine everyone's in
19:51shock apart from James who strolls over to the window glances down and says what a piercing bore piercing
20:00bore there's no such expression I know well the railing was right next to a crusher it's pretty clear he'd
20:07wanted to say crushing bore but he'd missed and he was making the best of a bad job all right BMX bandit
20:18this is a situation the terrorists have that building rigged to blow they're ruthless nervous and very
20:25heavily armed and there are at least 30 of them I propose to make the 70 meter jump across when you
20:35land assuming you haven't fallen short and been dashed on the pavement you pop a wheelie or do an endo or
20:40perform whatever BMX trick you think most suitable for disarming a group of fanatics with assault weapons
20:46yeah you see this is one situation where maybe it would be more sensible just to summon some angels
21:02no no a promise is a promise we're gonna do this your way come on this is well within your abilities
21:07you're the BMX bandit you're right I can do this okay here goes
21:17yes go BMX bandit you're doing it
21:23I can't believe I'm still airborne yes it's remarkable it really is this is the longest job I or anybody
21:33else on a BMX has ever performed it's a real testimony to your BMXing skills I can't believe
21:40I'm able to have this quite long conversation with you whilst you're currently flying on a
21:44oh I get it you shit you've summoned a load of invisible freaking angels to support me well only a
21:54couple but it's still mainly you honestly call them off why not look on them as backup call them off
21:59now I can do this I'm the BMX bandit all right then yeah thanks for believing in me mate you see I'm
22:09absolutely fine tune in next week for the all-new adventures of Angel Summoner and Gymkhana girl
22:17what are those sugar lumps
22:21oh right
22:23eight
22:48mommy daddy can we push your swing okay darling no one likes to think that the worst might happen
23:00of course darling oh Roger did you sort out that life insurance couldn't be bothered life's great
23:08now so let's not think about it do you want to play on the swings Lucy no they remind me of mummy
23:18who's dead now of course besides I've got a bad back from worry and have become a drunk it's a pity
23:26you didn't take that bad insurance after all do you want to smack of course no amount of money can
23:36ever replace a spouse or loved one so at dreamy pastures insurance we won't give you any money
23:43instead we will replace your spouse or loved one with someone sexier and kinder within 10 days of
23:53receipt of your tragic news we'll stick a gorgeous Albanian teenager on the next cabbage boat she'll be
24:00thinner than your previous spouse initially at least and having been brought up in an absolute shithole
24:06you can be sure she won't give you any lip
24:09no mommy doesn't make me do my homework I know darling it's because she can't read
24:17really pastures insurance because no one's irreplaceable
24:23David I've got this great why are you being filmed it's for the background of one of the DVD menus
24:30what just you sitting there yeah I stay here for five minutes and they loop it one point I scratched
24:36my face well who's gonna watch that freaks can you do it later well I was just getting into it but
24:44all right well I thought this would be a really good time for me to do my banana dance your what
24:49well you know I mentioned to the executive producer that I should just get a banana and make up a funny
24:54dance and just kind of vibe it and it would be brilliant and he said that was a really good idea
24:57yeah yeah well he just says yes to the last thing he's heard doesn't he yeah so shall I do it now
25:02no well can I at least show you uh okay hang on a minute
25:09what do you think
25:17shit
25:19what do you think
25:31yeah
25:32yeah
25:32yeah
25:46Stop, thief! He's stolen your wallet, but he's dropped your keys.
25:55There!
25:57Quick, Ginger, we have the moment to lose.
26:01Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
26:08On a lonely planet, spinning its way to damnation amid the fear and despair of a broken
26:16human race, who is left to fight for all that is good and pure and gets you smashed for
26:19under a fiver?
26:20Yes, it's the surprising adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.
26:31At last, my grant from the Foreign Office.
26:33Now we'll finally crack this mystery.
26:35Sir, I can't feel my left bottom.
26:45The story so far.
26:46As usual, Ginger and I are engaged in our quest to find out what the hell is going on and
26:51save humanity from my nemesis, some bastard who's presumably responsible.
26:56Have some cheese tickets for Mamma Mia!
27:00This week, while posing as tickets outside Mamma Mia, one of my nemesis' henchmen, wearing
27:05a cunning disguise, tries to foil our plan.
27:08Please move on, Pete!
27:11Take his number, Ginger!
27:13I'm trying, sir?
27:14But he's quite strong for henchmen.
27:16It's all right, Ginger.
27:17I'll go get help.
27:18Dundun-dundun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
27:28I'm indebted to you, madam. Write to my club for full remuneration.
27:33Ginger, where have you been?
27:34I've been in a police cell for two days, sir.
27:37Well done, Ginger. What did you find out?
27:39I've been in a police cell for two days, sir.
27:41Forgive me. You must be tired. Have a sip from my can.
27:44I've made a new contact. Ginger, meet Jock.
27:51Hello. I think he's fallen asleep, sir.
27:55Of course. He's reserving his energy for the fight against my nemesis.
27:59Actually, I think he's dead, sir.
28:01Really?
28:06Yeah, you'd have felt that.
28:08The forces of darkness are giving my can back.
28:11The forces of darkness are moving in. Quick.
28:14Sight, Jock, see if he's got any money.
28:21Will Jock have any money or will Ginger be forced to go back on the game?
28:24Where will my nemesis strike again?
28:26Will he attack a political leader, attempt a terrorist outrage,
28:29or have another go at stealing my special plastic bag full of cloth and litter?
28:33Yes!
28:35You bastard!
28:36Find out next week in The Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.
28:40You bastard!
28:41You bastard!
28:42You bastard!
28:43You bastard!
28:43You bastard!
28:44You bastard!
28:45You bastard!
28:46You bastard!
28:47You bastard!
28:48You bastard!
28:49You bastard!
28:50You bastard!
28:51You bastard!
28:52You bastard!
28:53You bastard!
28:54You bastard!
28:55You bastard!
28:56You bastard!
28:57You bastard!
28:58You bastard!
28:59You bastard!
29:00You bastard!
29:01You bastard!
29:02You bastard!
29:03You bastard!
29:04You bastard!
29:05You bastard!
29:06You bastard!
29:07You bastard!
29:31
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