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00:00I mean, I'd say I was working class, but then I went to university.
00:03I mean, we all did, so does that necessarily make me middle class?
00:07I mean, I still read the Daily Mirror. Why not? It's a damn good paper.
00:10But then I also get the Guardian. So what's that saying?
00:14It's just that whole pigeonholing thing that I object to. I mean...
00:27Steve.
00:30What?
00:52So, at the end of chapter two, Henry's beginning to question his own motives in pursuing the case,
00:56and at the same time wondering whether Sarah's telling him the whole story about the divorce.
01:00Yeah, I'm just going to stop you there, Anthony.
01:02Sure.
01:02I mean, yeah, but I mean, we've just reached the end of chapter two,
01:05and I can't for the life of me tell you what the hell's going on.
01:08I mean, you know, Henry, Sarah, these are just words, really.
01:12Right. I mean, it's great. It's all great, Anthony, obviously, but I just wonder...
01:15I mean, just as an example, I mean, not this. I mean, not this at all. Don't do this.
01:20But what if, say, the main character dies at the end of chapter one?
01:24I mean, not that, but, I mean, something like that. I mean, not like that, but, yeah?
01:28I mean, what if... I mean, not this. Ignore this. What if Henry, although obviously not,
01:34if he had sex, I mean, not sex, but sex right at the beginning with Sarah? I mean, not Sarah,
01:39but, you know?
01:39Henry has sex.
01:41No, forget the sex. I'm just throwing things out there. I mean, you're the author, Anthony.
01:44You've got the talent. You know what you're doing. I'm just here to help.
01:47No, I appreciate that.
01:48Yeah, so what if it's not that, but it's Jaws?
01:52Isn't there already a book called Jaws?
01:54Not Jaws the shark, but, yeah, maybe a big shark. And, I mean, not that, but Sarah falls in love with a shark.
02:00Sorry, Sarah falls in love...
02:02I mean, just that kind of thing. I mean, maybe it's not a shark, but it's a squid or a pebble or a policeman.
02:07Uh, you know, I mean, not them. None of them. Yeah?
02:12So...
02:12I am making sense, right? I mean, not sense, but, you know.
02:16Yeah, so, at the start...
02:18Well, not the start, but, yeah.
02:20Henry either dies or has sex.
02:22Yeah, neither.
02:25Leaving not Sarah.
02:26Oh, no, God, no, not Sarah. Unless it's Sarah.
02:31To, to, uh, fall in love with...
02:33Oh.
02:33Or not in love.
02:34Ooh!
02:35With a shark, a squid, a pebble, a policeman, or none, or all of the above.
02:39That's it! That is it! Write that! Absolutely write that!
02:44Or, don't.
02:48Okay, guys, uh, this sort of scene can be a bit embarrassing.
02:52So, just try and be as relaxed as possible.
02:55Okay, yeah, sure.
02:56Yeah.
02:57Just turn over.
02:58Sound speak.
03:00Scene 28, take one.
03:01Marker.
03:02And action.
03:08Now we know.
03:10Now we know.
03:11Now we know.
03:12And...
03:12Uh, cut!
03:15Uh, John.
03:15Yeah?
03:17Uh, John, you were talking.
03:19Was I?
03:20Yeah, you, you said, now we know.
03:22Now we know?
03:24Yeah.
03:24Did I?
03:25Yeah, you did a bit.
03:26Oh, my God, how weird.
03:28Sorry.
03:29Not to worry.
03:30Let's go again, straight away.
03:31Okay.
03:31Turn over, please.
03:32Sound speak.
03:36And action.
03:38Oh, now we know.
03:40Now we know.
03:41Yeah, now we know.
03:42Cut!
03:44Oh, sorry, sorry.
03:45I know what that was.
03:46I was in her light, wasn't I?
03:48Uh, uh, a bit.
03:50No, more it's sort of the same thing again, really.
03:54What?
03:55The saying, now we know.
03:59What, again?
04:02Did I, Carrie?
04:02Yeah, you do.
04:03You keep saying, now we know.
04:05God, that is so...
04:05I had no idea.
04:07Why would I do that?
04:09We don't know.
04:10Oh, well, I cut that right out.
04:13Okay, well, let's try again, and this time, keep an eye on the...
04:17Now we know, yeah.
04:19Turn over.
04:20Sound speak.
04:21Marker.
04:23Action.
04:28Oh, now we know.
04:30Now we know.
04:31Now we know.
04:32Now we know.
04:32Now we know.
04:33Now we know.
04:34Now we know.
04:35Now we know.
04:36Now we know.
04:37Now we know.
04:38Now we know.
04:39Now we know.
04:42You're both doing it now.
04:43Oh, you're kidding.
04:44Are you doing it now?
04:45Apparently.
04:46Right, look, let's go again, but this time we won't take sound.
04:50We'll get the pictures.
04:51I can talk you through it, and we can put the sound on afterwards.
04:55Okay.
04:56Mute board, please.
04:57Turn over.
05:01And action.
05:02That's great, John.
05:06Yeah, lots of passion.
05:08Yeah, that's good, Carrie.
05:10Mind the shadow there.
05:12Maybe roll around a bit.
05:14Yeah.
05:15Yeah.
05:18Yeah.
05:21Oh, yeah.
05:25Now we know.
05:26Now we know.
05:28Now we know.
05:29And he walked by on the other side, leaving the man helpless, but then who should wander
05:43by but a Samaritan of all people?
05:45And he actually helped the man.
05:47Hang on, Martha.
05:48No, he did.
05:48He went over and actually...
05:50No, sorry.
05:51No, no, no.
05:52I mean, this is what I'm saying.
05:53That a Samaritan, all right, so have a good think about your attitudes, went and helped.
05:59Yeah, no, I see.
06:00No, no, no.
06:00Stick with it, because what I'm saying is that he was a good Samaritan.
06:05That's good Samaritan, if you could imagine such a thing.
06:09Yes.
06:10Yes, I can.
06:11I think we all can.
06:13Yeah.
06:13I know there's a lot of prejudice against Samaritans, which is terrible,
06:17but I'm sure I speak for everyone in this room when I say that there are loads of really nice Samaritans.
06:22Yeah, some of my best friends are Samaritans.
06:24Yeah, me and the wife went on holiday to Samaria last year and they were lovely people.
06:29Couldn't do enough for you.
06:30Yeah, so what I'm finding offensive, and I'm sure I'm not the only one,
06:36is your unreflecting acceptance of this cliche that all Samaritans are wankers.
06:41No, I'm saying he was good.
06:43Yeah, but you're implying that the fact that he was good is worth a story in itself.
06:47It's some kind of weird curiosity, like an albino Nubian.
06:51No, I'm saying that goodness comes in unexpected places.
06:55Yeah, and I'm saying that the fact that you wouldn't expect goodness from a Samaritan
06:59betrays your inherent racism.
07:01Okay, okay, all right.
07:02That's a big word.
07:03Let's just take a deep breath here.
07:05I didn't mean to offend anybody.
07:06That's the last thing I intended.
07:08Um, I didn't realise there were any Samaritans in the room.
07:11No, that's not the point.
07:12Or Samaritan sympathisers, you know, Sammy lovers.
07:16Oh, I can't believe I'm hearing this.
07:18No, no, no, I didn't realise it was such a PC environment here,
07:22and I suppose I thought that having what was only intended as a fond pop
07:26at our Samaritan neighbours, friends even, if you like,
07:31would not be inappropriate in the context of a story which is, after all, about goodness.
07:35And at the end of the day, it is only a parable.
07:39What, it didn't really happen?
07:41Well, of course not.
07:41A Samaritan toss, I wouldn't do that for his own grandmother.
07:44Oh, Jesus Christ!
07:46Jesus Christ!
07:46What?!
07:56So, Steve, do you follow the football?
08:00Painted Lady romped home in the third!
08:11Yes!
08:12Oh, and that's a bad miss.
08:14Oh, yes, he thought that was in.
08:17That is a shame.
08:19Look at the way Jimmy Logan's shoulders are sagging as he retreats from the table.
08:23Another blow to the people's favourite in what has been, as we all know.
08:30A very difficult eight or nine years for Jimmy.
08:34Well, he's certainly been struggling for form.
08:37He's been struggling for money, is what he's been struggling for, Peter.
08:42And he's not earning any sitting there watching a much younger man clear up.
08:47Yes, young Terry Stevens there, potting away like the whole world's made of pocket.
08:54He's out of pocket, while Jimmy there is out of pocket, in more ways than one.
09:09Pocket?
09:09Yes, that was a good one.
09:12Oh, yeah.
09:19God, you look wiped out.
09:20Are you OK?
09:22Yeah, you know.
09:23Tough day in the ward.
09:25Yeah, yeah.
09:26A couple of new admissions.
09:28A little lad with a pronounced heart murmur.
09:30Poor little kid.
09:31I think he's going to pull through.
09:32But the sari is back on the ventilator, which meant I had to liaise with the consultants at King's.
09:38Those guys.
09:38Exactly.
09:40Yeah, it's hitting bed crisis time.
09:42And I just don't know where I can physically fit any more severely ill children on my ward.
09:49Still, listen, sorry to unload on you.
09:51How was your day at the ice cream factory?
09:53Oh, you know, fine.
09:57Come on, it's OK.
09:58You can say.
10:00Well, I guess it was a bit of a hard day at the ice cream factory.
10:08All right.
10:10Poor you.
10:11I mean, compared to your day, it was nothing, but...
10:13It's fine.
10:14Listen, we've been through this.
10:15Just because I'm a paediatrician dealing with severely ill children doesn't mean that you can't
10:20have a tough day tasting ice cream at the ice cream factory.
10:24Well, they're just really trying to push the rum and raisin thing, you know?
10:27Trying to ride that whole kitsch revival that bombed with the raspberry ripple.
10:30You remember that whole shitstorm?
10:32We've got a similar situation, which is I'm having to spend a lot more time than usual on
10:36the ward for children who, sadly, we know just aren't going to get better.
10:41And it's hard because, you know, you look into their parents' eyes and really just don't know what to say.
10:47Yeah. Yeah, that is quite similar, isn't it?
10:54You know, sometimes, Keith, I feel that ice cream tasting isn't somehow as important
11:01as looking after sick and dying children.
11:04Oh, of course it is. Look, I work hard saving children's lives, but you work just as hard
11:10ensuring that they've got some lovely ice cream to enjoy when they do get better.
11:14Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good.
11:22Right, I'm going to go up and do some coursework for my human rights law degree.
11:26What about you?
11:28Oh, I think I'll just stay down here wanking.
11:37So, obviously, it isn't finished, but was this the kind of thing you had in mind?
11:41Uh, yeah. I'll tell you what it is, Leonardo. It's definitely along the right lines, but can
11:47I just throw something in? I mean, just as an example. So, I mean, not this. Well, if it kind
11:53of came, like, I mean, not this. Not this. I mean, obviously, not this. But if it did a kind of,
11:59you know, I mean, I mean, not this. Not this at all. I mean, you're the artist, so you'd probably do
12:03this much better than me. But if it was more kind of, well, that kind of, yeah. So, something like
12:09that, I mean, not that, but that. Okay, back in five. I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you two.
12:23And, er, I just wanted to say, I know I was Lucy's friend first, but I really feel for you both.
12:27If there's anything I can do. No, it's all right. I mean, at least it's amicable. You know,
12:32we're still talking. Right, yeah. Is that a good idea, do you think? No, right, yeah.
12:39I mean, what would you advise? For what it's worth, take a box of her belongings that you've
12:44still got, round to where she's living now, and burn them in the front garden while doing a sort of
12:49dance. And then you should probably write the word bitch in weed killer on her lawn.
12:56And then what you should do is go round to where she works and plant some crack in her desk
13:00and then call the police. What are we talking about? Oh, just the Lucy situation.
13:05Oh, shall I leave you to it? No, no, it's fine, mate.
13:08Olivia was just giving a bit of advice.
13:12Have we planted the crack yet? No, I was just saying.
13:14Oh, mate, you've got to do that. I mean, when my last relationship ended,
13:17I felt so much better when I got to the point where I felt comfortable planting the crack.
13:22You're not sure if I picked up. Every time you think of her, have a quick whiskey.
13:26Okay. Hi, everyone. Are we talking about Lucy? Yeah.
13:29Here. Got your whiskey.
13:34That's the way. What stage are we at? Oh, I haven't even planted the crack yet.
13:39Oh, you can't rush these things.
13:42Does she have a pet? Yeah.
13:44Yeah. You should kill it in a weird way. Leave it for her. Make sure she knows you did it.
13:51Otherwise, how's she going to know it's over?
13:54Well, I'm just not sure that it is over.
13:58Well, it will be then.
14:02Hello, and congratulations. Your telephone number has been specially selected in our Wednesday draw.
14:08And you have definitely won a major prize. Perhaps even our star prize of a massive yacht.
14:14Yes, that's right. As soon as the admin fees have been processed, we will rush you.
14:18Hello? Hello? It's happened again.
14:24He hung up?
14:25Yes. And I was in the middle of a sentence. Why will no one accept my massive yachts?
14:31It's the same with me. It's almost as if the public has lost its taste for massive yachts.
14:36But what else are we to do? I mean, here we are, three eccentric billionaire brothers.
14:42Indeed. We've all made far more money than we could possibly need.
14:45And we have all these massive yachts.
14:48And who better to give them to than the deserving owners of specially pre-selected telephone numbers?
14:54Yet, it never seems to work out like that.
14:56No. They just hang up. It's the height of rudeness.
14:59Could it be something about our voices?
15:02Hardly. Our voices are warm and reassuring.
15:06Don't tell me we spent all that time during our childhood going to elocution lessons every Tuesday for nothing.
15:12Could it be the admin fees that are putting them off?
15:15But that's ridiculous. The admin fees are only a few hundred quid, whereas the massive yachts are worth thousands.
15:21I know. I know. I mean, someone's got to pay the admin fees. There's a lot of admin accumulates around the giving away of a massive yacht.
15:29Not to mention postage and packing.
15:31Well, then, it's a mystery.
15:34Yes? Yes? Yes?
15:42Brothers, all aboard one of our remaining massive yachts. We may already have won a timeshare in Florida.
15:49LAUGHTER
15:56Hello. What's this? Jump off a cliff. Two pounds.
15:59That's it. Yeah.
16:00Sounds exciting.
16:01Oh, yeah. Can't beat it. Jump off a cliff, wind through your hair, beautiful panorama of the sea,
16:08waves crashing on the rocks beneath you, little boats in the harbour to the east and to the west, the Atlantic.
16:14With waves as high as hills and the briny scent of trade. Possibility. Other lands. Two quid.
16:22What a bargain. Right, so what do I do?
16:25Well, take a good run up so you can push yourself good and far off the edge and then just see how the mood takes you.
16:32Great. I mean, I am a bit nervous of heights. Does that matter?
16:35Well, I'll be honest with you, it's not ideal. Depends how bad you got it, because if it's just a few butterflies, I'll say go for it.
16:43Because the good thing is that while there is a bit of a height thing to start with, that does get better quite quickly.
16:49Right. But it's all fine.
16:50Oh, yeah, yeah, it's all fine. Yeah, jump off a cliff. It's absolutely fine.
16:55I won't get hurt.
16:55Really? Oh, that's good.
16:57What?
16:58No, it's just some people get a bit bruised, I imagine. I mean, I don't know. I prefer not to look.
17:07Right, so how do I find my way back up if I want to do it again?
17:11Er, people usually find that once is enough, actually. I mean, it is fun, but you only need the one.
17:18Like a hot chocolate?
17:19Yeah.
17:20OK, well, that's one to jump off a cliff, then, please.
17:24And that'll be two quid.
17:25You're actually doing it? Yeah.
17:31OK.
17:42Try to stop him.
17:49Good evening and welcome to Big Talk.
17:51My name's Raymond Terrific, and yet again, I stand at the eye of the storm of the world's ills, waving my staff like Gandalf and screaming,
17:58Let's get this sorted.
18:00As ever, I'm joined by a panel of brain spurts and mentalissimos, a veritable smorgasbord of cleverness that the world is rightly too respectful to eat.
18:07First up, it's a biggie, but I refuse to be scared. Is there a god? Leonard?
18:11Well, this is an age-old question.
18:13Answer can't be as long as the question, Leonard. Do not show you're working.
18:18Well, of course, it's a matter of...
18:19Yes or no!
18:20Er, yes.
18:22Great, he shoots, he scores. Right, moving on.
18:24Yes, what are we going to do about...
18:25Hang on, there isn't a god.
18:26But he said there was.
18:27Yes, but that was just...
18:28Leonard, did you or did you not just say there was a god?
18:31I did.
18:31So, has Danielle got new information or are you playing me like a balalaika?
18:35No, it's just...
18:35Come on, boffins, I've already wasted time saying balalaika when drum would do.
18:39Let's get this sorted.
18:41I think the problem we're having here is that Leonard thinks there is a god and I think there isn't.
18:45Oh, you are having a go.
18:48No, it's just that we respectfully disagree.
18:50That is bad news. Can we sort it? Richard, get into this. Casting vote.
18:54Well, I'm agnostic and so is Tim.
18:56Yes.
18:56Oh, make the tea!
18:59Guys, boffins, we need to know if there's a god. It's important.
19:03Well, there is no yes or no answer.
19:05Erm...
19:06What?!
19:07I can think of two yes or no answers just off the top of my head!
19:13Mr Judd.
19:15Yes, Doctor.
19:16Well, your operation is this afternoon.
19:18I just wanted to go through the procedure with you.
19:20Oh, yes.
19:21We're going to be using a new kind of experimental keyhole surgery called Hammers.
19:26Hammers?
19:27It's called Hammers and it's a new approach to keyhole surgery.
19:32Right.
19:33What does it involve?
19:34What does it involve?
19:36Uh, well, the clue's in the name, really.
19:39Hammers.
19:40What, very, very small Hammers?
19:42Yeah.
19:42Well, not, not that small.
19:45Right.
19:48Will it hurt?
19:48Oh, no, no.
19:50You'll be under general anaesthetic.
19:51You won't feel a thing.
19:52Right.
19:52Of course, it'll hurt like hell when you wake up.
19:54Bunch of guys pounding at you with Hammers as hard as they can.
19:58Blimey.
19:59And that'll solve the problem, will it?
20:01Well, we think it's worth a try.
20:03Because while Hammers can put pressure on your system,
20:06of course, your appendicitis is smaller,
20:10so it'll be putting pressure on that too and it'll hurt it more.
20:14Well, that makes sense.
20:15Hmm.
20:16And if it doesn't work,
20:17we've got a pioneering new therapy called frying pans.
20:20So, we'll give that a whirl.
20:33Hello and welcome to another edition of Numberwang,
20:35the numbers show that simply everyone is talking about.
20:38Yes.
20:39Let's welcome our two contestants.
20:41It's Julie from Anglesey and Simon, who is from Anglesey.
20:44So, Julie, feel any singing out there in Anglesey?
20:46Yes.
20:46Simon?
20:47No, no, no, I don't sing in Anglesey.
20:50Why would I sing?
20:52For can't you see?
20:53I cannot sing.
20:55Oh, what a shame.
20:57Right, bit of a change this week on Numberwang,
20:59because instead of starting with round one,
21:01we're going to start with round one.
21:02So, let's play Numberwang.
21:03Julie, you go first.
21:06Seven.
21:08Simon?
21:09Two.
21:09Forty-six.
21:10Eight.
21:11One and a half.
21:12Nope, none of those are Numberwang.
21:14Fifty?
21:14No.
21:15Nine?
21:16Nought?
21:17No.
21:18A million?
21:19No.
21:19Infinity?
21:20No.
21:21Infinity and a half?
21:22You can't have infinity and a half.
21:23Five.
21:27Simon?
21:29Six point two seven eight five.
21:31No.
21:32One and a half.
21:34You've already said that.
21:34Oh.
21:35Um, Vars.
21:38That's not a number, Julie.
21:39I can't think of any more numbers.
21:45Well, what a situation we have here.
21:47Unprecedented in the history of Numberwang.
21:49That alarm means it's been three whole days without anyone getting Numberwang,
21:53which means we have a Sudden Death tie-break.
22:04Julie, Simon, please step into the pods of Sudden Death.
22:08The rules are simple.
22:15The one of you to die first wins.
22:17OK, Julie, Simon, are you both ready?
22:20OK.
22:21Then let's release the Numbergas.
22:24You may be interested to know that today's Numbergas is made from the number two,
22:27which you may remember from school is deadly to humans.
22:30Yes, Julie's gone.
22:32That is Numberwang.
22:36Well done, Julie.
22:38Simon, desperately trying to inhale the deadly Numbergas there,
22:41but it's too little too late.
22:43Simon, you've lost.
22:45Join us next time for more Numberwang, but until then,
22:48good Numberwang!
22:50Oh, well, that's brilliant.
22:52Great news, guys.
22:54The bank have agreed the loan.
22:55Oh, that's great.
22:56So now we can go ahead and start up our own dry cleaning business.
23:00Great.
23:01No more working for other dry cleaners.
23:03Finally, we can really go it alone.
23:05So, the bank has agreed the loan.
23:07Oh, that's great.
23:09So now we can go ahead and start up our own dry cleaning business.
23:11Great.
23:12No more working for other dry cleaners.
23:13The last thing to decide is, what should we call it?
23:16Well, I think it should definitely be a funny name.
23:19Yeah, a funny name.
23:20Like a hairdresser that's called Fringe Benefits or A Cut Above.
23:24So what would one for a dry cleaning shop be?
23:27Well, I've had a thought, actually.
23:29I mean, I think it's funny.
23:30It's certainly a phrase I've heard,
23:32but I'm just not quite sure what it means.
23:35It's touching cloth.
23:38Oh, great.
23:39Touching cloth.
23:40Yeah, that's certainly a phrase I've heard.
23:43It's got a ring to it, hasn't it?
23:44Touching cloth.
23:45So what does it mean?
23:47Well, obviously, part of what it means is what we would be doing.
23:50You know, as dry cleaners, we'll spend most of our day touching cloth.
23:53Yes, and of course, our customers who bring in their clothes for us to dry clean, they'll
23:57all be touching cloth as well.
23:59As they hand the clothes over, they'll be touching cloth.
24:02Well, great, that all works out brilliantly.
24:04And what's more, what I think will make it funny is that I think that touching cloth has a double meaning.
24:10It's just, I'm not quite sure what it is.
24:13Right, well, that's great.
24:14But I think it's probably quite important that we find out exactly what the other meaning of touching
24:18cloth might be before we call the sign right or get the notepaper printed.
24:22Yeah, does anybody know what the other meaning of touching cloth is?
24:25I know.
24:27Oh, great.
24:29Is it funny?
24:30Yes, it is.
24:31It is funny.
24:33What is it?
24:33Well, when you're touching cloth, what you're doing is that you so need a poo that you've sort
24:40of started to poo yourself, but you've managed to stop at the point where a bit of the poo is
24:46actually touching the cloth at the inside of your pants.
24:50Oh, right.
24:52I had no idea there was a name for that.
24:56That is funny.
24:57And it's funny because it involves poo.
25:00Yes, it is very funny.
25:02My only slight worry is the association of getting poo on clothes, which I agree is funny,
25:10is that association appropriate for a business such as dry cleaning, which is, after all,
25:15supposed to be about getting clothes clean?
25:17Oh, yeah.
25:20But I don't think it's really a problem.
25:22Yeah, you can worry too much about these things.
25:24And the way I see it, there's an upside, because the message we'll be sending out is,
25:28even if you have got poo on your clothes, we can handle it.
25:33In fact, we could call it touching cloth question mark.
25:38Touching cloth?
25:39Then step this way.
25:42I really like that.
25:49So, Mr. Winkleman, tell us about this rather splendid vase that we're both looking at.
25:53The vibration.
25:54The vibration.
25:55I can't stand it.
25:56It's all right, Mr. Winkleman.
25:58It's quite normal.
25:59It's just the thermonuclear radeon machine that we use to generate the television.
26:03It's quite safe.
26:06Although, a rather amusing side effect is that all of our real hair fell out in the first 48 hours.
26:13So, you were saying, the vase?
26:18Um, yes.
26:19Well, it's a family heirloom, which I think dates from 1760s.
26:24Well, that's fascinating.
26:25And I'd just like to point out to viewers that it's only through the new magic of television
26:29that they can actually see us looking at this vase and describing it to them.
26:34Have you got hot balls, too?
26:35Oh, and that's a bad miss.
26:48Well, that was a cruel miscue.
26:51And as the cue ball careers into the black, Jimmy must be wishing that his bank balance would do something similar.
27:00Yes.
27:00This is a tough game.
27:07Jimmy knows that, but what on earth possessed him to think that horse racing was going to be any easier?
27:17He called it an investment, but in reality, he was just hanging around Ladbrokes when he should have been practicing his long pots.
27:24And the results are there for all to see on his careworn face with its bad wig that no longer matches his remaining hair.
27:44Hey, you know my brother-in-law's friend, Gordon?
27:46Oh, what, the one with the cleft palate and the wonky ear?
27:49No, no, no, not him.
27:50No, the Gordon who sends out those awful Christmas newsletters.
27:53I got my reply ready this year, yeah?
27:55Dear Gordon, thank you for your very comprehensive Christmas newsletter telling me about what you and all the family have been up to over the last,
28:03is it only a year, and yet so many GCSE results and wisdom teeth out.
28:07Quite a rollercoaster.
28:08As this served to replace a conversation we might have had, here is my response.
28:12Good, good, good, good, good, oh, by the way, good, yeah, me too, yeah, me, not much, bye.
28:23You really are a bastard, aren't you?
28:25Well, I mean, what's he going to reply to that?
28:28I haven't really thought that far ahead.
28:31Dear Robert, I'm sorry to have annoyed you with news of my family.
28:34I suppose these newsletters are a little impersonal,
28:38but I know that a lot of my friends are interested to hear how we're getting on,
28:41and I must admit that around Christmas, I don't really have time to write to everyone individually.
28:46I'm sorry to have cut a corner so abhorrent to you,
28:49and needless to say, I won't be wasting your time again in future.
28:54P.S. Little Jane says she loves you.
29:00Sorry, Gordon. Forgive me, Gordon.
29:02I'm not Gordon.
29:04Where's Gordon?
29:06LAUGHTER
29:08APPLAUSE
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