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- 2 days ago
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00:12Hello, hello! You open!
00:21I've got an appointment!
00:35Stella!
00:42Any luck?
00:45I think she just must have really weird opening times or something in her shop, you know?
00:49Oh, yes, that'll be it.
00:52I mean, you know, there's designers would kill to have me wearing their clothes.
00:56I'd have put on a couple of pounds, but there's fatter women than me out there wearing Stella!
01:01Of course there are.
01:03Stop it! Stop it!
01:05There must be someone who still thinks I'm happening.
01:08There is that one that's always on the floor.
01:11Begging, begging.
01:12Oh, please! Please!
01:15Why didn't you ever tell me these things?
01:17You know, little drunken pirate.
01:19All ugly people go to hell! Go to hell and die!
01:25John Galliano.
01:26Yes.
01:27Darling, that would be fashion death.
01:29I don't think even Schindler could rescue me from that phone call.
01:32No, darling, go and make more phone calls. So make more phone calls.
01:35Call Stella's people again!
01:43Oh, my God.
01:45Laundry in basement!
01:47There's no pants under my bed that need moving.
01:49Mum!
01:53I thought you were still in Africa.
01:55I just got back.
01:56Oh, sweetheart! Look at you!
01:59Oh!
02:01Oh, you and darling!
02:04Sweetheart!
02:05What?
02:06Oh, darling!
02:08It's just you!
02:09Where's my little granddaughter Levin?
02:11Where is she, darling?
02:12Where is she?
02:13Mum, Jane is seven now.
02:15She's not going to be inside a biscuit.
02:18Well, darling, where is she?
02:20She lives in Africa.
02:21Oh, who lives in Africa?
02:23Why am I supposed to see her, darling?
02:24Take out a court order?
02:26You could just get on a plane. I'm not stopping you.
02:28I think you are.
02:31So I'm just stuck with you, Eleanor?
02:33For six months of the year, yes.
02:35Oh, God!
02:36After all the time I've kept you alive, darling,
02:38with food, with money...
02:40This is the thanks I get, is it?
02:42Yes.
02:45All right.
02:46Mum, this place is a mess.
02:49Yeah, but it's biodegrading, darling, isn't it?
02:52It's eco, sweetheart.
02:54You have to let it go down to nothing
02:55and then you can use it as shampoo or something.
02:57I read that.
02:59Well, it's disgusting.
03:01Have you been eating in?
03:02No, darling, there wasn't any food in
03:04and yet somehow, today, man comes with food.
03:08I did a waitrose order before I left Nigeria.
03:11Oh.
03:12It's good being global, isn't it, darling?
03:14It has its uses. Global.
03:16Is this all your filth?
03:17No, Pat's is living...
03:20Oh, yeah, oh.
03:22Oh, I'm sorry, I've got a friend.
03:23I'm sorry, I'm not a little hermit crab
03:24living in a small shell under the sea.
03:26I'm sorry.
03:29What's all this, Mother Africa?
03:31It's all right.
03:33Eh?
03:34Well, Jane and John and the...
03:37Luna.
03:38And the other wives...
03:40Wives, is it?
03:42What?
03:43Gave me a big send-off.
03:44I bet they did.
03:49And this is traditional costume.
03:51Oh, right.
03:52So, John the old Mufasa and his ten wives
03:54gave me a bit of an Hakuna Matata, did they?
03:58He only has nine wives, Mum.
04:00Oh!
04:01What'd he do, melt one down for glue,
04:02trade it in for a goat?
04:04You are so ignorant.
04:05Yeah.
04:06I'm proud of it.
04:07Anyway, darling, they've succeeded
04:09but I've failed all these years, haven't they?
04:10Look at you!
04:11Colour! Colour!
04:14Where are you going?
04:15Where are you going?
04:15I'm going to change.
04:16No, no, darling, no, darling, darling.
04:17Stay here.
04:18I want to take a picture of you in colour.
04:19I love it, I love it, I love it.
04:21Hang on, hang on.
04:21Get my camera off.
04:23Eddie.
04:24Ed.
04:25Ed, darling.
04:27Did you get my ten of lady pants, darling?
04:30Because it's just that I find I'm, um,
04:33you know, I'm needing them more and more nowadays, darling.
04:35It's, uh, I'm not completely secure when I sneeze, you know.
04:38Oh!
04:43Incontinence pants.
04:43Oh!
04:44I will kill you!
04:47Don't kill her!
04:47Don't kill her!
04:48Don't kill her until I've taken a picture.
04:48Here we go.
04:50Oh, in colour!
04:51Yes, for my Facebook.
04:52Here we go.
04:52Ha-ha!
04:54Anyway, what are you two doing here?
04:56We live here.
04:58Yes, but I thought you were getting out of London for the Olympics.
05:01No, darling.
05:02I rented my house to Michael Douglas.
05:04Michael Douglas, is it?
05:06Do you remember?
05:06Michael Douglas.
05:07Michael Douglas.
05:08Yes, Michael Douglas, you have a better regard.
05:10Michael Douglas.
05:11Well, the one that looks like an old tortoise is married to Catherine Zeta-Jones.
05:16Is he going to bring Catherine with him?
05:17She'd rather cramp his style.
05:20Your style, you mean?
05:22No, no.
05:23Well, if Catherine comes, she won't be in London long.
05:24She'll be off to the mumbles, won't she?
05:27Anyway, darling, before he comes, we're going to have a full top-to-tail renovation.
05:30We're going to have the grand designs of makeovers.
05:33We're going to be exfoliated, augmented, liposuctioned, lasered and lifted, darling.
05:37I used to be wearing my buttocks as a headrest by the time that man opened us.
05:40I'm going to have just a little tightening procedure.
05:45Won't he have come to watch the Olympics?
05:47Won't he have come to watch the Olympics?
05:49Darling, he's a player, but a player of a very different kind.
05:53Oh, no, he's going to be our ticket to all the clubs in London, isn't he, darling?
05:56He is Hollywood royalty, sweetheart.
05:58Well, you'd better hurry up, because it starts this week.
06:01What?
06:01What?
06:02The Olympics.
06:03What?
06:06What?
06:07No.
06:08Darling, did you know it started this week?
06:09What?
06:10The, the, the, the, the, the one in the Olympics.
06:13Where?
06:14What?
06:14Oh, my God.
06:14How can you have missed it?
06:16Even coming from the airport, it's everywhere.
06:18Oh, darling, it's been everywhere for five bloody years, hasn't it?
06:22Will we, won't we?
06:24Will it be built?
06:26Won't it be built?
06:26Will we win?
06:27No, we won't, darling.
06:29Excuse me if I missed, it actually started.
06:30It's been like dinner to us.
06:32Come on.
06:34I am Spartacus.
06:37You've got any talking sperm.
06:41He's on his way.
06:43What?
06:44What?
06:44Who, what?
06:44Spartacus.
06:46Spartacus?
06:47Michael Douglas.
06:48He wasn't Spartacus.
06:50No.
06:51I am Spartacus.
06:52I am Spartacus.
06:53I am Spartacus.
06:54I am Spartacus.
06:54Stop it.
06:55He comes.
06:57He comes.
06:57He's on his way from America?
06:59No.
07:00From the airport.
07:01No.
07:01No, no, no, no, no.
07:03I was going to be thin.
07:05Oh, God.
07:06Quick, get the hoover.
07:07Give me lipper.
07:08Get a knife.
07:08Slice off the fats.
07:10And you can't be here, darling.
07:12You can't be here, sweetheart.
07:13Oh, yes, you can if you serve.
07:14Be starved.
07:14Be starved.
07:15Serve, sweetheart.
07:17And none of your lip, all right?
07:18Come on, Pats, we've got to get ready.
07:20Here, darling.
07:20Eddie, Eddie, I need a little bit of a tidy up, you know.
07:22I've got a razor upstairs.
07:23No, darling, I mean a real, you know, sort of clipping, you know.
07:26I need scissors, you know.
07:26All right, all right.
07:27I'll get scissors.
07:28You're disgusting.
07:29Oh, it comes to us all, you know, darling, the swinging saloon doors.
07:35What are you dressed as?
07:37I represent a shattered Olympic dream.
07:41Come back, let's go.
07:56Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart.
07:57Look, look, darling, I've got a few little sexy bits and pieces.
07:59What do you think?
08:00Oh, oh, oh, oh.
08:00It's for Michael, for Michael.
08:02Oh, darling, is the end of that sort of thing?
08:03No, I'd be wearing it.
08:04I'd be wearing it.
08:05Oh, no, Eddie, no, no, no, darling.
08:07I'll just leave him about the house, you know, give him a thrill.
08:12Oh, darling, bloody hell, that's strong, sweetheart, isn't it?
08:15I can't tell if I'm making up a paw or a nostril.
08:18What's that?
08:19What's a nostril?
08:20Eddie, Eddie, darling, darling, how do I look?
08:22How do I look?
08:23How do I look, Eddie?
08:24I think I can see a panty line.
08:26Oh, but Eddie.
08:26What?
08:27I'm not wearing any pants.
08:28Oh!
08:29Oh, no!
08:30No, no, no!
08:31It's just folds of old skin in my skin, darling.
08:34No, no, no.
08:35It'll be all right, darling, darling.
08:36Look, darling.
08:37Yeah?
08:38Darling, where my control body?
08:39Oh.
08:39Where my control body, my elasticated control body, all right?
08:42Come on, it's for Michael, it's for Michael.
08:45We're gonna be hitting the town, darling, aren't we?
08:48Oh, yeah.
08:49I mean, darling, you know, there's spank DJs out there I haven't even danced to yet.
08:53Honey Dijon is killing it, I haven't even lived it.
08:56And Narcissister, darling.
08:57Oh, what's that, darling?
08:58Well, she's a kind of crazy disco performance artist.
09:00She pulls things out of her pussy on a rotating platform singing I'm Every Woman.
09:03You'll love that, won't you?
09:04You'll love that, yeah.
09:06Oh, sweetheart.
09:06Oh, yeah, there's so much stuff that's happening and going and fearsome major out there and we're
09:10gonna be there, sweetheart.
09:10Oh, but darling, those clubs won't have us anymore.
09:13Well, they will if Michael's with us, won't they, sweetheart?
09:15Oh, Eddie, Eddie, can't we just go to Shoreditch House?
09:18What?
09:18Sit on a little sofa, get in a few drinks, smooch a little waiter, see who's there.
09:24No, no, no!
09:25I will not let doors close on me yet, darling.
09:28I won't.
09:28Come on.
09:29Come on, we're gonna party.
09:30We're gonna show them a good time.
09:31Yeah, yeah.
09:31Come on, let's get into these, sweetheart.
09:33Come on, pop your foot in.
09:34Pop your foot in.
09:35Pop your foot in.
09:36Oh, jump.
09:37Jump.
09:37Oh, jump.
09:38You have to jump.
09:39You jump!
09:41Well, look at you, dear.
09:43Oh, hello, Bran.
09:45Do you like it?
09:46Oh, yes.
09:47I once had a tablecloth like that.
09:52Is that what all those others are wearing out there in the, er, you know, mm-hmm, mm-hmm?
10:00Harine.
10:01Oh, it's not really a Harine, Gran.
10:04I feel very special when I'm with his other wives.
10:07Good.
10:08Um, how is little Jane?
10:11Oh, she's very nice.
10:12And she's quite grown up.
10:14She's not so little anymore.
10:15I've got a picture.
10:16Oh?
10:17Oh.
10:18Oh, she's beautiful, dear.
10:21Definitely yours.
10:24Yes.
10:26Anyway, we've decided that I'm going to spend three months here, then three months over there
10:31because I've got such a lot of important work with the various charities and I don't
10:34want Lola, Jane, to have to keep changing schools.
10:38Oh, no, no.
10:40It, um, it gets very hot out there, doesn't it, dear?
10:43Yes, it does.
10:44Mm-hmm.
10:45And the bathroom facilities.
10:49Squat and hope it doesn't hit your shoes.
10:54Yes.
10:55It's a bit splattery.
10:57Well, I understand why you've come back, dear.
11:01You and I like our comforts, don't we?
11:03Mm-hmm.
11:04And Jane is very happy.
11:06Are you going to be watching the Olympics?
11:08Oh, yes.
11:09It's one of the reasons I came home.
11:10I want to watch it on the telly here because the coverage will be so much better.
11:13Will you?
11:14Oh, yes.
11:15I shall be waving a flag for the BLTs.
11:18You mean Team GB?
11:20Oh, the gays and bisexuals, dear.
11:23I thought they had their own games.
11:27Come on, darling.
11:28Come on, come on, come on.
11:28Step.
11:29Step.
11:29Yes, it's a step.
11:30It's a step.
11:32It's a step.
11:33It's tight.
11:34Well, it's tight, darling, because you're looking fabulous now.
11:36Stand.
11:36Stand.
11:36Stand.
11:37Stand.
11:38Come on.
11:40Come on, sweetheart.
11:41Come on, darling.
11:42It's just bubble.
11:43Where's bubble?
11:43Go and get Safi to bring up a tray of drinks for Michael Douglas.
11:46What does he drink?
11:47Well, he's an alcoholic, isn't he?
11:49I mean, so...
11:50Everything!
11:50Everything!
11:53Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
11:55What are you going to say here, sweetheart?
11:57Just, just, just...
11:58A visible panty liner?
11:59No, darling, nothing, nothing.
12:00You're a tube.
12:01You're just a tube.
12:02Not very easy.
12:03There you are, darling.
12:04All right, you sit down.
12:05No.
12:06You!
12:12Darling, which end's sneezed, then?
12:14Both ends.
12:15You're just a tube.
12:16I just tasted it.
12:18Oh, the door.
12:18Oh, my God.
12:19Clear, clear, clear.
12:20I'm getting the door.
12:22Oh, my God, Michael.
12:24Let's go for my door, Bob.
12:25Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
12:26My door.
12:27What's up?
12:27Hi, hi, hi, it's us.
12:29Oh.
12:31Oh.
12:34Oh.
12:34You stay back, Marshal, and we'll make sure it's safe.
12:36Hello.
12:37Oh, my God.
12:39Whoopee?
12:40No, it's me.
12:42No, it's me.
12:42Are you a Tifa?
12:43No.
12:44It's me.
12:45Oh, it's you.
12:46Of course it's you.
12:47Then it's safe, Marshal.
12:48Come on.
12:48What are you doing here?
12:50You can't be here.
12:50We've got Michael Douglas coming.
12:52Oh, no, no.
12:52He's not coming.
12:53He gave Marshal his trip.
12:54What?
12:55I've been his caddy.
12:56Oh, Michael.
12:57Catherine.
12:57No, it's not them.
12:59It's not them, darling.
13:03What are you doing here?
13:05Well, Marshal caught sex addiction from Michael Douglas.
13:08Oh.
13:09Yeah.
13:10So I've got him on a program.
13:11Really?
13:12Oh, you have nothing to worry about.
13:13Oh, I don't care.
13:14You definitely have nothing to worry about.
13:16Okay, thank you.
13:17I don't have sex addiction, though.
13:20Do you hear that trickling sound, Marshal?
13:21Yeah.
13:22That's a little river we call denial.
13:24Would you like a cup of tea?
13:25No, no, no.
13:27Get out, get out.
13:29God, why does nothing work for me anymore?
13:31I don't want you here.
13:32I don't want you.
13:33I don't want you.
13:34I don't want you.
13:35Why are you here and why are you so old?
13:37Hmm?
13:38Have I been in a coma and just woken up?
13:40Look at me.
13:42Are you honestly?
13:47I'm not a cup of tea.
13:48I'm a party girl.
13:50I've still got it.
13:51I'm still going.
13:52I'm still alive.
13:53Come on, pets.
13:54We're still alive.
13:56Stella, I'm still alive.
13:58Come on, pets.
14:00Because we are still party girls.
14:01God, why isn't there a pill to make people disappear?
14:03Come on, come on.
14:04Pat, Pat.
14:06Pat.
14:07Pat.
14:08Mum, stop it.
14:09Oh.
14:09She's not breathing.
14:11Oh, breathe.
14:11Breathe, Pat.
14:12Come on.
14:13Oh, my God.
14:13What is she wearing?
14:16That's just my control body, darling.
14:18That's just my control...
14:19Oh, they're suffocating her.
14:20Oh.
14:21Crushing what organs she has left.
14:23Oh, darling.
14:23Do something.
14:24Go and get me some scissors.
14:26Let me help.
14:27Don't you get near that woman's crotch or I'll twist your little head off.
14:31Come on.
14:31Mum, she hasn't got a pulse.
14:33No, she doesn't have a pulse, darling.
14:34But she's never had a pulse.
14:36Get out of the way.
14:37I'll do CPR.
14:38Oh, God.
14:43Oh, Michael.
14:43Catherine Humphrey.
14:44No.
14:45It's not them, darling.
14:47Oh, no.
14:48So how are you both?
14:50We're fine.
14:51We are not fine, Marshall.
14:53Now, keep your hands where I can see them.
14:55I had to get him out of that depraved environment.
14:58That crazy golf scene with Michael Douglas.
15:01I was his caddy.
15:02Oh, yes.
15:03Anything for Michael.
15:05Always looking for Michael's golf balls in the rough at nightclubs.
15:08Oh, I'm just looking for Michael's golf ball.
15:10That's why I have my hand up this woman's vagina.
15:14It didn't happen.
15:15It happened.
15:16It happened, Marshall.
15:17Oh, and the golf parties.
15:19Naked women spread eagle on the floor for putting practice.
15:23Oh, yeah.
15:24And you get an Indonesian one and she pops the ball back to you.
15:27Isn't that right?
15:28Did you ever get a hole in one, Marshall?
15:31He's a sex fiend.
15:33Oh, you're having a bad menopause.
15:35Safi, all I want is a normal amount of sex.
15:39Shall we talk about something else?
15:41Oh, no, honey.
15:42When something like this has got its grip on you, it's hard to let go.
15:45You know, when you dance with the gorilla, the gorilla leads.
15:48Oh.
15:49And you are the gorilla.
15:54No, I'm not the gorilla.
15:56Don't you people know about addiction?
15:58She's got me on the 12 steps.
16:00Yeah.
16:00And it's a staircase, not an escalator.
16:03You gotta work at it.
16:04You got some stinking thinking, mister.
16:07Why don't we have a meeting?
16:08Oh, I've got to go upstairs.
16:10Will you be all right, Gran?
16:11Oh, yes, fine, dear.
16:12I shall plug into my iTunes.
16:14She can stay in the meeting with us.
16:15Okay, everybody ready?
16:16All right, let's convene.
16:19Oh, who do we have here?
16:20Hello, I'm Susan.
16:21Well, hello, Susan, and welcome.
16:23And I'm an alcoholic.
16:26Susan, you're in the wrong meeting.
16:28This is sex addiction.
16:30Isn't that funny?
16:31She wandered in.
16:32I'm an alcoholic.
16:33You're in the wrong...
16:34Go!
16:35Oh, funny.
16:36Isn't that funny?
16:44Another shattered dream?
16:46How dare you!
16:49Still very much alive!
16:55You all right now?
16:56Yeah, darling, fine.
16:57Just waiting for the little kidney to get back into place.
17:01It just feels like the world's closing up on me, darling.
17:04You know, there's so much new stuff happening out there, and...
17:07I just can't keep up.
17:09Well, do you mind, Eddie?
17:10What?
17:11I mean, do you mind?
17:12I mean, I know what you're feeling, darling, but really, I just don't even care!
17:17Oh, I suppose there is a certain numbness.
17:19Oh, yes.
17:20I'm quite glad the old gecko didn't show.
17:22Are you?
17:22Yeah.
17:23Yeah, cheers, yeah.
17:24You all right?
17:26Yes.
17:27Yes.
17:30Hey!
17:34Mum?
17:34Yeah?
17:35I want you to listen.
17:36Oh, God, here we go.
17:38I don't understand why you're so desperate.
17:41Because, darling, it feels like the whole world of doors is just closing on me.
17:44Closing, closing, closing.
17:45Well, of course it is, but you're so blind to all the doors that are opening up to you.
17:49Oh, oh, oh.
17:50You mean age-appropriate doors, darling, is that what you're talking about?
17:53Well, let me tell you, where I want to be doesn't seem to want me.
17:56Oh, for God's sake, one of the biggest events ever in the history of London is taking place on your
18:00doorstep.
18:01Why have you not taken an interest?
18:04Share is at the O2.
18:07The Olympics.
18:08Oh, no.
18:10Oh, no.
18:11Not bloody sport, darling.
18:12Remember sport in school?
18:14Yes.
18:14Great big blue pants and blotchy legs and a very tight air-tech shirt.
18:18And huge teenage knockers just walking.
18:21Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
18:21200-meters.
18:23Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
18:24Hurdles, hurdles, hurdles, hurdles.
18:26Ow!
18:27Are you blaming the games kit?
18:30Yes.
18:30What's your excuse?
18:31I was very good at games.
18:33You just never came to my sports days.
18:34Oh, darling.
18:35That's not true. I remember the little eggie spoonie race.
18:37Yes, and you ate the egg.
18:39And she...
18:40Yeah, I shagged the gym master on the long jump.
18:42Yeah, yeah.
18:44You see, darling, we were there. We were there.
18:46What's she going to do? Just sit in here and fester?
18:49Oh, piss off!
18:56Fine.
18:58But let me tell you, next time it might be a case of
19:01do not revive on your sad old corpse.
19:08I'm okay. Mama, mama, mama.
19:11You got something to share?
19:12I'm watching an old Holmes Under the Hammer, dear.
19:15Listen, though, I don't have sex addiction.
19:18You have menopause.
19:20Why can't you see that having menopause
19:22is a natural part of being a woman?
19:24Why can't you see that being stupid
19:26is a natural part of being a man?
19:28I still have hormones.
19:30Yeah, my ovaries are popping around in there
19:32like a pinball machine.
19:33Oh, there goes an egg.
19:35Oh, you're bitchy and sweaty and sleepy and...
19:39Oh, Marshall, what are those?
19:40The menopause dwarves?
19:41Okay.
19:42That's it.
19:43I'm going out.
19:44I need some air.
19:45Oh, look who thinks he's God.
19:47Well, you know what?
19:48If God were small enough to understand,
19:50her wouldn't be big enough to be God.
19:51You're not God, Bo.
19:53No, but I'm bigger than you.
19:54Don't go up those stairs.
19:55Do not go up those stairs.
19:56Do not go up those stairs.
20:00Stop running with those little eggs.
20:02I'm going out, Bo.
20:03We have all these Michael Douglas invites
20:05and God damn it, I'm going to use them.
20:07Wait for me, my wild Mustang.
20:09Somebody get me, Milo Sue.
20:28Oh, Michael Douglas, plus one.
20:30What's that?
20:32That's an invite, darling.
20:33I can't tell what it's for.
20:34There's something wrong with their graphics
20:35and the printing or something.
20:37And that's the Olympics logo.
20:40Is there?
20:43Why don't you go?
20:44It's a door.
20:45It's not a door.
20:46Will you stop going on about the doors?
20:48All right, it's a party.
20:49It's a...
20:50Oh.
20:50And there's champagne.
20:52Champagne?
20:57Hats.
21:01Darling, it's for sparts, I told you.
21:04I'm not those bloody elasticated pants.
21:05No, darling.
21:06No, darling.
21:07Sparts, sports and arts.
21:08It's for the Olympics.
21:12Hello, can I introduce you to someone?
21:14If you must.
21:14Dame Kelly Holmes.
21:16Oh, hello, nice to meet you.
21:17Double Olympic champion, of course.
21:18Dame, is it?
21:19Yes, that's right.
21:20What's that for, is it?
21:20And will I do it?
21:21It was the running, was it?
21:22Yeah, that's right.
21:23Yes, lots of running.
21:23Have you been doing the running
21:24in this running races, the Olympics?
21:26Oh, no, I've actually been
21:27tired now, so, um, yes.
21:30Marshal, look away for two seconds
21:32and he's gone.
21:34A little Casanova.
21:36Marshal?
21:39Yeah.
21:40Lots and lots of it.
21:43Marshal!
21:44Don't make a scene, Bo.
21:45Who is this?
21:46Who is this?
21:47Who is this?
21:48This is his wife.
21:50Well, we're already talking.
21:51Bo, this is Tanny.
21:53Tanny.
21:54Tanny.
21:55Satan be thy name.
21:56Why don't you just take a dagger
21:58and thrust it into my heart?
22:00Cute name for the devil.
22:03Tanny, can I help?
22:04Yeah.
22:05I'm going to mingle.
22:06Don't let them follow me.
22:08I've got your back.
22:11So, uh, Mark, you're an athlete,
22:13so what's your distance?
22:14Do you do sort of long and slow
22:16or short, powerful bursts?
22:18On sprint.
22:19Oh, yeah, darling, he's blind.
22:21Yeah.
22:21Yeah, suits me, darling.
22:22That's lovely.
22:24Ladies and gentlemen,
22:26in a minute there will be some speeches
22:27from the head of the Arts Council.
22:28Oh, let's go, Eddie.
22:29We don't want any speeches.
22:30And Miss Stella McCartney.
22:33Stella?
22:34Who designed the uniforms and kit
22:35for the British team.
22:37Darling, Stella games kit.
22:39Darling, if I'd had a Stella games kit,
22:41I would have become a runner,
22:42wouldn't I, darling?
22:42I could wear Stella, Stella.
22:47No, darling, I'm going to go over there.
22:48I'm going to clear it up once and for all.
22:49If she knew me, she would love me.
22:51Well, darling, if you do go up to her,
22:52remember you're a somebody,
22:53do it with dignity, Ed,
22:54and don't take any Nazis, you know.
22:55Oh, well, Stella.
22:57Stella, Stella, Stella, Stella.
23:04Why don't you love me?
23:05I don't know you.
23:06Darling, I would look great in your clothes,
23:08wouldn't I?
23:09I'm not, I don't think so.
23:10Stella, don't touch me.
23:12Perhaps he knows your dad, sweetheart.
23:14Yeah, well, I had him once
23:15in a small cupboard backstage in Hanford.
23:17I think it was him.
23:18It was one of the four.
23:18Might have been Yoko Ono.
23:20But this is Mark.
23:21Mark, he likes us.
23:23Yeah, he's blind, yeah.
23:24But, darling, blind is the new black.
23:32Sorry about that, Stella.
23:34She's been a nightmare.
23:35She has been stalking me.
23:40Hey, they really upset you.
23:42Get out of here.
23:43You're the last time I ever...
23:46nothing like that and being nice to people.
23:52Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
23:54Don't, darling, I don't think we came in this way.
23:57We came out of these doors.
24:10It's empty.
24:11Well, that's because no one could get tickets,
24:13isn't it, darling?
24:16Wow!
24:39I actually want to stay.
24:41I was about to say, thank you.
24:42You're discouraging me from taking up sport.
24:46Thank you very much.
24:47Thank you very much.
25:01This is nice, dear.
25:03Yes, Gran.
25:04Marshall, we can watch the opening ceremonies,
25:06but if I see one body part twitch,
25:08I'm tightening the straps.
25:09Leave it, though.
25:11Oh, God.
25:12Oh, God, what's happening?
25:13What's happening?
25:13What's happening?
25:15The opening ceremony is just about to start.
25:17Oh, Eddie, look.
25:18Oh, Eddie, look.
25:19We were there.
25:20No, actually, we were there.
25:20The stripy bit.
25:21We were there, darling.
25:22Yeah.
25:22Opening ceremony.
25:23Right, let's take bets.
25:24Elton John at the piano.
25:25Candle in the wind.
25:26Toupee eight foot above his head.
25:27What's the bet?
25:29Marching band.
25:29Brown, bless her.
25:31It's up, it's up, it's up.
25:32Sad old London busts and break dancers.
25:34Yes, come on.
25:36Well, what are these?
25:37Oh, they're the tickets, dear.
25:39But I don't really see why anyone would want to actually be there
25:43when they can watch it in comfort on the good old Aunty Bean.
25:46Yes, and there's Claire Balding.
25:49Is she, dear?
25:50Oh, dear.
26:13Lights, models, guest list.
26:18Just do your best, darling.
26:19March.
26:20All yours.
26:21Okay, and action.
26:25Wheels on fire
26:28Rolling down the road
26:33Let's go there by my next talking
26:37This we shall explore
26:46Ah, the BBC.
26:50Home of all good British television.
26:52And, well, it's the place we make absolutely fabulous.
26:54The programme I write and start.
26:56Will you help me, sweetie?
26:57Darling, I'm having a hot flush.
26:58Darling, darling, quickly, feel my skin.
27:00Feel my skin.
27:01Feel it.
27:01You're standing too close to the kettle.
27:05Hi, can I have the keys to the other fab office, please?
27:08I'm sorry, but we don't hold keys to our absolutely fabulous office.
27:12Who are you?
27:13Do you have any ID?
27:14I'm Joan Pessonis.
27:15I'm sorry, I don't recognise you.
27:16Are you?
27:17Hang on a minute, look.
27:18This is not me.
27:19This is me here.
27:20Oh, I know her.
27:21She's such a lovely lady.
27:23I've dealt with her many times.
27:23Yes, no, she's very lovely.
27:24This is me.
27:25This is you.
27:25Look.
27:27Can you see that?
27:27That's me.
27:28It doesn't really do you justice, does it?
27:29Well, just give me the keys to the office.
27:30You're better not there, but...
27:32I just need to pop up there for a second.
27:33I'm sorry, but I don't hold keys to that office.
27:35Sorry.
27:36Look, I know it is just following me.
27:37Do you have any proper ID?
27:38Excuse me.
27:39They're with me.
27:39They're with me.
27:40Just run.
27:40Run.
27:42Quickly, quickly, quickly.
27:43Get down.
27:43Get down.
27:45I've got condoms and femidoms.
27:47Right.
27:50You open these?
27:51No.
27:51They don't put fingers on these glasses.
27:58Happy birthday to you.
28:01Happy birthday to you.
28:04Happy birthday, dear Gina.
28:07Happy birthday to you.
28:09This is the absolutely fabulous office at the BBC.
28:16I mean, to keep my voice down because they don't know we're here at the moment.
28:19Which is ridiculous.
28:20This is a major show.
28:21Look.
28:21We've had books.
28:22We've had books.
28:23We've had videos.
28:23We've had everything.
28:25I mean, you see here.
28:25Look.
28:25This is a picture.
28:26Come over here.
28:27This is a major listings magazine over here.
28:30The Radio Times.
28:31With a picture of Joanna Lumley, who plays Patsy.
28:33And what's her eyes?
28:34They've just put her eyes on there.
28:37Awards.
28:37We've got awards.
28:38Awards.
28:40Popular awards.
28:42Written by Jennifer Sondas, it does.
28:44Don't think you're so clever.
28:47I've started repressed false memory therapy.
28:49I'll get something on you yet.
28:52Just darling, I mean, I've spent a fortune in my life trying to get in touch with my sexual being.
28:57I mean, do you remember I spent that week, darling, celebrating my private parts?
29:00Do you remember that?
29:01The moment you were born, I knew I wanted you, darling.
29:05I did.
29:06Mummy wanted you, sweetie.
29:08Oh.
29:10However, the day of...
29:12Shut up!
29:13Did the show's success surprise you, Jennifer?
29:16Yeah, a little bit.
29:17It surprised me.
29:20Patsy!
29:31She inhaled our kitchen!
29:34I just nodded off.
29:37Speak to me.
29:38Speak to me.
29:39Where are you?
29:39Where are you?
29:42Oh, my God.
29:46Oh, my God.
29:48Yes.
29:49Yes.
29:50No, I hear you.
29:51I hear you.
29:52Yes, yes, yes.
29:53Do the characters have any redeemable qualities?
29:56Redeeming features.
29:58Redeeming features.
29:59Well, I've said that I try not to give them any redeeming features at all.
30:03I've got some lovely cooking pots coming in from Somalia.
30:06I mean, they don't need them.
30:07I've got no food to put in them after all.
30:09Wake up, Pats.
30:10Come on, darling.
30:12Sweetie.
30:13Oh, God.
30:13What time is it?
30:14All I want to do is to throw up.
30:16No, you don't want to throw up.
30:17You don't want any head run.
30:18Darling, come back here.
30:18Come back here.
30:18Darling, you don't want to do that.
30:20You don't want to be doing that.
30:20You just want a little drink, darling.
30:22You need a little drink.
30:24What sounds better?
30:25That I was surprised it was a success or that I wasn't surprised?
30:28No, you expected it.
30:29You know, I said it was a surprise.
30:30I was really surprised by the success of the program in Britain.
30:36And I'd be even more surprised by the success in America.
30:38I decide what goes in the magazine.
30:40You know, one snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high that the world is a gynecologist.
30:45Pats used to go out with Keith Moons.
30:47Well, sort of, you know, woke up underneath him in a hotel bedroom.
30:53But it seems to us that kind of the relationship of mother and daughter and daughter and mother and all
30:59of that is the thing that's strongest about it.
31:03That business of hippie mother and conservative daughter is a thing that people understand.
31:07Who's impressed, sweetie, darling?
31:08Sweeney, darling.
31:09Sweeney, darling.
31:11Sweeney, darling.
31:11Sweeney, darling.
31:12You don't mind me calling her that.
31:13Do you, sweetie?
31:14No, darling?
31:15I don't know when it started, but it's hard to break a habit like that after so many years.
31:18It started because you couldn't remember my name for the first time.
31:34I want to come!
31:36I want to come!
31:41You two have never had to pay for anything, have you?
31:43I've paid for you, darling.
31:44A hundred times.
31:47Here I am, your mother, poised for your first sexual experience and night after night dry bloody sheets.
31:55I'm sorry, darling, but I don't want a little moustached virgin for a daughter, so do something about it.
32:00It's a lacroix.
32:01Okay?
32:02I just can't find anything to go with it, that's all.
32:04Maybe I could throw up on something for you.
32:06I'll wear this.
32:07See, this is the Radio Times again.
32:09Here we are.
32:10Here we are.
32:12Why don't they put me down here?
32:13Look.
32:14Look, I'm the star of the show.
32:16I am the star of the show.
32:17They play Dina, and they put me here.
32:19They put her sort of going off the edge near...
32:22And her?
32:24This is Julia Sawala, who plays my daughter.
32:26This is Julia Sawala.
32:27And they've put her in the middle of the photo.
32:31She's only in the show so that Patsy can stub cigarettes out on her.
32:38She burned me with her cigarette.
32:40Excellent.
32:43Look, I'm sorry.
32:47I know I pretend to hate you, and you pretend to hate me.
32:50I do hate you.
32:52Why?
32:53Because you're a despicable person who's resented me since the day I was born.
32:56Before.
32:57Oh my God, there's something horrible on the stairs.
32:59It's for me.
33:00I'm not blind.
33:01She told me you had a tattoo on your unspeakable.
33:04Really?
33:05It didn't unmentionables, I said.
33:06That could be anywhere on her.
33:08When I heard that Ed's was pregnant, I told her to abort.
33:11Abort, abort, abort.
33:13Chug it down the pan.
33:14Bring me...
33:15A knitting needle?
33:16A knitting needle.
33:22You see, Julia...
33:23Julia wasn't even...
33:25wasn't even in it originally.
33:26Because originally it was just a sketch.
33:28With me and Dawn.
33:30Dawn French.
33:31This is my comedy partner, Dawn French.
33:33And she was the daughter originally in the sketch in French and Saunders, you see.
33:36Ah, there, that one.
33:38I can't remember why we, uh...
33:40Why we got rid of her.
33:41Why did we get rid of Dawn?
33:43I can't remember why we got rid of Dawn.
33:45Come back to me on that one.
33:47My answer machine, I might as well see if I've got any messages.
33:50Hi, Jennifer, it's Bette Midler.
33:52Hey, long time no see.
33:53Listen, you know, I've been watching the show religiously.
33:54I adore it.
33:55I adore you and those outfits.
33:56Oh, you could die.
33:57They're in such bad taste.
33:58They're obscene.
34:00Could I borrow a couple?
34:02Yes, all right, all right.
34:03I'll send them to you.
34:04That woman is costing me a fortune.
34:34By watching this show,
34:36you could get tips on how to be absolutely fabulous.
34:42What you two don't seem to realise is that inside of me, inside of me,
34:46there is a thin person just screaming to get out.
34:49Just the one, dear.
34:50What pills did you give her, Patsy?
34:52Just some tranquilisers.
34:53Don't question me.
34:54I think she's sleep-jogging.
34:55Look at her like a beached whale in designer sheets.
34:58Don't let her torture you, Eddie.
34:59I mean, she's the one who ruined your figure in the first place.
35:01She's the one who turned you into this potato that we see within us.
35:05It's quite like Bonanza.
35:06I'd compare it to Bonanza.
35:08Because there's a guy with a big hat that's been overweight, rice horses.
35:12That's me.
35:22And the truth is, is that I just hope people think it's funny.
35:24I hope they will.
35:25But quite honestly, Jennifer,
35:27I think you just could have gone a bit too far.
35:29And if it doesn't work, it's not my fault.
35:31I'm simply an actress.
35:32Light, light, light.
35:37Oh, every second of my journey here has just blazoned on my memory.
35:41I feel fantastic.
35:42Shall I have a pain?
35:44Oh, yeah, I think so.
35:48Well, I don't think there's any rain on the way.
35:57All right, Mum, we got rid of Dawn because she was too old.
35:59That was the reason.
36:00She was far, far too old for it.
36:02Because it's supposed to be a sketch, you see, in French and Saunders.
36:04And the idea really...
36:05And she was too funny.
36:06Sorry, I don't remember that.
36:07She was too funny as well.
36:08And really, the idea was that it would be a sketch where...
36:12Well, where I did all the talking.
36:14Jean-Pierre and Melissa are coming over, darling.
36:17And Bettina's coming over.
36:18And she's bringing her new jewellery collection that I want you to see, darling.
36:20And her son, Cosimo, who you adore.
36:22I think you're darling.
36:23Oh, darling, he's an adonis.
36:24So come down and share a joint with us later.
36:27Oh, dear.
36:28Oh, dear, I'm so sorry.
36:30I'm finishing drugs in front of my own daughter.
36:31I am so sorry.
36:35Hello?
36:37Hollywood?
36:38Can you put me through to the Roseanne office, please?
36:43Hello, Roseanne?
36:45Yes, Jennifer Saunders here.
36:46How's it going with the American version of Absolutely Fabulous,
36:50what I've just sold to you?
36:53Hmm?
36:54Oh, good.
36:55But the question burning on all our mouths over here is,
36:58will they still be allowed to drink and smoke and be generally awful?
37:01Oh, good.
37:02Well, that's put all of our mind at rest.
37:07Whose bag is this?
37:10Who packed this case?
37:11They did.
37:14I just said no.
37:15No to drugs.
37:16No.
37:17Oh.
37:17Well, something kept you going till three o'clock this morning.
37:19A little Coke, sweetie.
37:23Here, darling, for the pain.
37:24Thank you, sweetheart.
37:25That's it.
37:26You know, our only role models,
37:27if you want to neglect your children,
37:29smoke a lot, drink a lot,
37:30take a lot of drugs,
37:31and generally be despised by the rest of the world.
37:34Oh.
37:35Oh.
37:35Oh, panic.
37:36Panic.
37:37Panic.
37:37Panic.
37:37Panic.
37:37Panic.
37:37Oh.
37:39Mosquito's never bitten you, for God's sake.
37:40The last mosquito that bit me
37:42had to go into the Betty Ford Clinic.
37:47Gin and tonic, Eddie.
37:48Oh, gin and tonic, sweetie.
37:55Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
37:59God damn it.
38:05If you've got good performance,
38:07and good performance and a good script,
38:09you know, it comes down to the same thing.
38:11It's going to make people,
38:12hopefully it's going to make people laugh.
38:14Who dies in their own vomit these days?
38:16No.
38:19Oh, look at that, look at that, don't look at that.
38:22It's disgusting, that is so degrading to women.
38:24What do you mean?
38:25She's got the whip.
38:26Yeah.
38:27Hi, I'm Daniel.
38:32Hello, Daniel.
38:34Danny, hello.
38:41What are you doing here?
38:42You were supposed to collect me, Eddie.
38:46What?
38:46From the hospital, I was waiting.
38:48But...
38:55There's nothing, though.
38:56That's not true.
38:57Oh, that is not true.
38:58You went cook?
39:00I went cook.
39:05Happy kidney!
39:10Sanusfection!
39:11Oh, my kidneys!
39:13Yes!
39:14It's on patrol!
39:15Oh!
39:16I can't stop it!
39:17I've got my legs!
39:18I've got my legs!
39:19I've got my legs!
39:21I've got my legs!
39:22I've got my legs!
39:22Come back!
39:23Hold it!
39:24Oh!
39:27Ladies, madam!
39:29Yes, madam!
39:37Patsy, it's only me.
39:38May I come in?
39:40Go on, Mrs. M.
39:41I think you're in for a very pleasant surprise.
39:43I've got my eyes.
39:52Absolutely fabulous.
39:54Somewhere, I mean...
39:57This is the Joan Alumni audition tape.
40:00Something we shouldn't watch, isn't it?
40:02Something we mustn't...
40:03Stop it, Jennifer!
40:04You mustn't watch this!
40:05You must stop this!
40:06You mustn't look at this!
40:21You see, we saved that woman from a life in stunts.
40:24She should be grateful.
40:25Oh, look!
40:26Look, look, look!
40:27There's a picture of us in New York.
40:29We'll be seeing a bit of that in a minute.
40:30Us?
40:31New York.
40:32A-B-N-Y.
40:34Hi, Jennifer.
40:36This is Elizabeth Taylor.
40:37I had a brainstorm and I just had to phone you.
40:39Why don't you create a fragrance based on the show?
40:43You could call it Hangover.
40:45Bye.
40:46That's a catchy title, Liz, but...
40:48I don't know.
40:48I'm not that sure I'm into the smells.
41:18Hi, Ivana!
41:20No, I can't!
41:22I'm working!
41:26You know, one of the marvellous things about being such a huge star and being in such a
41:30successful show is actually being allowed to travel the world at whim.
41:34I mean, we've been allowed to go, well, anywhere, really, that the BBC have got cheap hotel
41:39accommodation or can get a deal with an airline on.
41:41I mean, we've been allowed to go to the south of France.
41:44I mean, we've been allowed to go to the south of France.
41:44I'm going to go to the south of France.
41:53Morocco.
41:54We spent hellish week in Morocco.
41:57Oh!
41:58Mum, that man pinched me!
42:00Fine, don't worry.
42:01He's obviously very old and completely blind.
42:04And of course, we've been to New York.
42:07New York, New York, New York.
42:09So good they're named it twice.
42:12Oh, it's my favourite city in the world.
42:34I'm here in New York.
42:38Filming up.
42:39Yes.
42:40Filming up.
42:41Hold up.
42:42Wait a minute.
42:43And it's really cool.
42:45It's beautiful.
42:46Ah.
42:47It's extraordinary.
42:50Chanel, Dior, Lagerfeld, Givenchy, Gaultier, darling.
42:54Names, names, names.
42:55Oh, mama.
42:57That outfit is beautiful.
42:58Oh, I love your chains, girl.
43:07Baby?
43:09Yeah, babe!
43:11Come on! Stolly, babe!
43:13You're in a stolly!
43:15Yeah!
43:16I've got a bubble!
43:18I've got more!
43:19Come on, I'll meet you down there!
43:21No, get me from here!
43:22I can't find the stairs!
43:25Come on, sweetie!
43:26Come on, sweetie!
43:26It's quite easy!
43:29Now, it is said that imitation is the highest form of flattery.
43:34And normally I'd go along with that, but, uh, just watch this next little bit of film
43:38and see what you think.
43:39I'm not sure.
43:41Oh!
43:42Ow!
43:43Ow!
43:43This is going to be absolutely fabulous!
43:45Ow!
43:45You're hurting my scales!
43:46Ow!
43:47Oh, sweetie!
43:51And after all that, sweetie darling, this is how absolutely fabulous you can look.
44:01Taxi!
44:03Taxi!
44:03Taxi!
44:07Here's for the contest, sweetie darling!
44:09You've met my sisters?
44:10Patsy and Patsy?
44:12Where's it Patsy and Patsy?
44:14Oh, yes, you're right!
44:15Oh, no!
44:20No!
44:21No!
44:22No!
44:23I'm out of hooch!
44:24There's no more hooch!
44:25No!
44:26No!
44:29No!
44:30I'm having a heart attack!
44:32Say Sweeney!
44:33Sweeney!
44:35Darling!
44:36Darling!
44:37The unqualified Patsy is number three!
44:40Oh!
44:41Patsy!
44:48What did you think of that, then?
44:50Huh?
44:51You see, I'm a little bit like that, but then I think, so are they, if you know what I
44:55mean.
44:56Make your mind up during the break.
44:58Come on, I'm going to have a fag and a glass of wine.
45:03These are the videos because of the
45:04There's power콤 sweeney, right?
45:06Yes, here's the video.
45:06Leave us alone one zwe mask on, and we're just going to open it now!
45:10Not bad!
45:26Oh yes!
45:28Again, we're obviously tricky, but, so are you involved so I want to spend time
45:30I say, does a little hard work go into making of a television programme?
45:33I say, of course it does. These things don't just happen.
45:37You know, there's the producing, the directing, the endless rehearsals, the blocking, the line learning.
45:43As a professional, I spent hours over the actor's Bible, the script, absorbing the lines into my very soul.
45:51I mean, even though I've written them all, I still have to learn them. I'm not surprised by that.
45:56And you see, the whole thing has to work eventually, like a well-oiled limousine.
46:01Could you tell Juanita, or whatever her name is, darling, that I need the...
46:07I don't know if she's Japanese. She might have understood that.
46:11Now, we all die.
46:12Yeah, but I don't want to, I don't want to.
46:14I mean, you think all the way...
46:19Watch out, Patson, figure no fun zone.
46:21A cuven.
46:23Don't worry, sweetie, we'll just bite and get a bite up.
46:28God, that eyesore, the moth-eaten felth hat, the chip.
46:35Now listen, you ruddy, ruddy, brainless brim-brows.
46:39I'm just not ruddy, ruddy-bring.
46:41Mum, it's important.
46:43Darling, I've got an hour here, and then I've got to go and fix, um, oh, flip.
46:48Before you go, look.
46:51Before you go, you know tomorrow I've got the PRPR person's awards dinner of the lunch month.
46:56If you know, help me, you know tomorrow I've got the PRPR person's awards dinner of the lunch month.
47:03But you see, if something does go wrong...
47:06Sorry, it sounded like I farted then, it was, it was the check.
47:10You see, if something does go wrong, I always like to think, what would Jane Seymour say now?
47:15And that sort of helps me deal with the situation.
47:17Some people can't do that.
47:19Bloody bastard, automatic cab driver!
47:26Well, I hope you refuse to pay him this time.
47:29It was one of your account eds.
47:32S***!
47:34Darling, who was it you were with last night, anyway?
47:37Oh, he was just a windscreen wiper I, um, I picked up.
47:40That's wrong, I'm sorry, I'll have to do that.
47:41It's a good joke, my f***!
47:44I'm sorry that I get the blood right out of my head.
47:46And that just a boy will throw the f***!
47:52I'm so sorry!
47:54She made me say it, she taught me to say it.
47:57I've never said that before!
47:58I have a few women in physical comedy.
48:00Because they're not as fit, they don't work out as regularly as we do, that's the truth of it.
48:03We're very highly trained.
48:05Poor you.
48:06Poor you.
48:07Poor old you.
48:31Please keep laughing.
48:45You've got that cue, darling.
48:46No.
48:55My god, woman!
48:56What have you done?
48:57What?
48:58What?
49:05A lot of people think that the physical humor in Absolutely Fabulous is completely over the top.
49:12But they don't realize it's not overacting at all.
49:15These are just things that happen normally to people in it every day of life.
49:19And we all know what it's like on a normal day at the office.
49:25And I'm...
49:26Oh!
49:33They do a lot of falling about in this series, actually.
49:35I think we're going to try and cut a little bit of it out of this present series.
49:39We seem to have over-deed slightly.
49:42Pay no attention.
49:43Don't even look at her.
49:44She was always doing that as a child.
49:46In certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life.
49:54Help!
50:03Help!
50:06Help, mommy, darling.
50:09It's all right.
50:10It's all right, just a minute.
50:12I'm just kidding.
50:19and the winner is
50:21Claudia Pink
50:32Maybe we've just about covered the falling down jokes
50:46She's very upset, you know
50:50Absolutely fabulous
50:51Thank you for watching
50:52If you want to be fabulous, I'm sure you can
50:54Anyone can do it
50:55See you soon
50:56Good night
51:00Look, I'm going, alright
51:02Normally, you see my face is my passport
51:03They're filming this for America
51:04I'm huge in America
51:05I'm huge in America
51:06They know I am in America
51:09Alright
51:10Alright, let me go
51:11Drop me, drop me
51:12Thank you
51:28Darling, you are a fabulous, wonderful individual
51:31Thank you
51:31And remember, I've known you longer than your daughter
51:33Champa's alright for you, Pat
51:34Lovely, sweetie
51:35Should we finish off the balloon, girl?
51:37Or should we have smoked so many nibbly things?
51:38Oh, whatever, sweetie
51:39Alright, we'll finish off the balloon
51:41Dolls of the stallion
51:43Big, big, big
51:43Bop, bop, bop
51:44Dolls of the stallion
51:46Right on time
51:47Right on time
51:48Right on time
51:48Techno, techno, bloody techno, darling
51:49Ah, small, man
51:53Ah, small, man
51:54Ah, small, man
51:56Hi, Jennifer
51:57This is Neil Tennant
51:58This is Neil Tennant of the Pet Shop Boys
52:00Remember when we did that music video together
52:01And you spilled the bottle of Stolli all over Chris's keyboard?
52:04Well, a bill has just come in
52:05So whenever you get a chance
52:06Just drop a check in the post, will you, darling?
52:08Bye
52:08That wasn't me
52:09That was Joanna that spilled it
52:11That wasn't me
52:13Yeah, my darling
52:14Let's hurry this a long lady
52:15Let's hurry this a long lady
52:15Let's hurry this a long lady
52:15Let's hurry this a long lady
52:16Let's hurry this a long lady
52:18You go, you go
52:20You go
52:20You go, go on
52:20Just faster
52:22Come on quickly
52:23Drive, drive, drive
52:24Ah!
52:25Stop!
52:27I'm not going in on my own
52:29Get rid of her
52:30You said you were going to stay
52:31I'm just windscreen wiping her off
52:32Get her off
52:33Drive
52:34Come on, go
52:35Oh, damn, we'll have to go in for a bit
52:37It's five minutes
52:38Why?
52:39Is this a hotel?
52:44Come on, come on
52:44Why have we got to wear these?
52:47Mine's a tight fit
52:48Darling, you're not wearing one
52:49You are, anyway
52:50Stop it, stop it
52:51You're going to have to stay here?
52:52Yes, sorry
52:53Because we're her people, aren't we, darling?
52:55Everyone has her people there, don't they?
52:56Yeah, well, let's give it to some other people
52:57Look, there are lots of other people here, darling
52:58Let's attach them
52:59I'll let everyone know you're here
53:00Yes, would you?
53:01Yeah, but she doesn't seem to be on the list
53:03Well, she must be on the list
53:04I can't seem to
53:05Baby Spice, do you know who that is?
53:06Emma Bunton
53:06Yes
53:07Might be under Queen Nora, actually
53:08That's sometimes
53:11Oh, Lulu
53:11Have a look under Lulu
53:12Lulu
53:13I'll just...
53:13I'll just leave her standing here
53:14Sorry
53:15It'll be all right
53:17Cheers, darling
53:18Isn't this lovely?
53:19That it's a star dressing room
53:21Yeah, yeah
53:21You know, me, the star
53:23Yeah
53:24Eddie, what is going on?
53:25I mean, what is it she's doing?
53:26It's comic relief, isn't it, eh?
53:28Yeah
53:28Well, obviously
53:29But I mean, what's the event?
53:30Comic relief
53:31Yeah
53:32Oh, so she's...
53:33Well, it's a career move
53:34It's for charity
53:35It's for charity
53:36Yeah
53:37Well, in that they're not paying you, it's for charity
53:39But it's, you know, for the exposure
53:41Exposure
53:41It's very good for her
53:42I told them you're singing one of your hit singles, darling
53:44But in a comedy way, if that's right
53:45Oh, right
53:45Yeah
53:46Yeah
53:46What one?
53:48Yeah
53:50That's fine
53:51Well, the la-la-la one
53:53Anyway, sweetheart
53:53You know who organizes this, don't you?
53:55Richard Curtis
53:56Yes, sir
53:57You should make yourself known to him, darling
53:59In case there's any of Martin McCutcheon's parts going
54:01Why would anyone want Martin McCutcheon's parts?
54:08Hello, sorry
54:08I just wanted to apologise to Emma about that
54:11Yeah, listen, listen, could you go up and find Richard Curtis for us? Bring him down
54:13Yes, then, darling
54:14Darling, you could do something from his films for him
54:16You know that film, you know, that one, that speech, you know, I love you, I don't love you, yeah,
54:19I do, I love you, no, I don't love you
54:20That one, you could do that
54:21I know that one
54:21It's the one with all the actors in it
54:23Yes, darling, follow them
54:24Full of actors
54:24What's the... Love, er...
54:25Love is
54:26Love is, love is actually, yeah, yeah
54:27You could do something from his films
54:29Love is actually
54:29Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
54:30I do
54:32You know, in the rain, you know, marry me
54:34You could do that, couldn't you, darling
54:35You could do that film
54:35So are you going to get Richard Curtis?
54:37I am Richard Curtis, actually
54:39Are you sure?
54:42You stupid bitches
54:47That's it, I've had enough
54:48This is a check for comic relief
54:52I've never been so embarrassed in all my life
54:56Why?
54:57You didn't do anything
54:59Charity, it's just another lig for you old bags, isn't it?
55:04Yeah, and your point is
55:11How dare Emma bloody Bunton walk out on us, darling
55:15Oh, that's better
55:16Found the toilet, sweetheart
55:17No, I just went behind the bamboos
55:20Well, darling, what is this place?
55:22Dressing room, darling
55:23No, I mean the bigger place
55:24It's the BBC
55:25The BBC
55:27The BBC
55:28The BBC, Eddie?
55:29This is the BBC Studios?
55:31Yeah, yeah
55:31Oh, darling
55:33This is where little Katie Boyle said
55:35Monaco un point
55:36But darling, this is where those two little men were
55:38The little men
55:39Sort of made out of flypots
55:42Little...
55:42Little...
55:43Bill and Ben
55:43Yeah, yeah
55:46Weed
55:48You haven't noticed it, aren't you?
55:50Oh, oh
55:53Right
55:53Just to let you know
55:54That we've managed to squeeze a spot in for Emma
55:57Just before midnight
55:58We're fitting her in the back end of Graham Norton
56:00You're fitting her into Graham Norton's back end?
56:02Yeah, she may be small, but you know, there's limits, isn't there?
56:04Is she here?
56:05Yeah, she's probably here somewhere
56:07She's very small
56:08She's a little bonsai pop star, isn't she?
56:09She's very small
56:10Great
56:11And, erm, what are you giving to Comic Relief?
56:14I'm giving my time
56:18Actually, about the, you know, the charity and the organisation
56:20It could be organised a lot better, couldn't it?
56:22I want this little red nose just asking for pennies from people who probably can't afford it anyway, you know
56:27I mean, you know how to do it properly
56:28You want to just hire a bloody Dorchester hotel, don't you?
56:32Scattergun pellets all round and get a few partridges on the table, darling
56:35And then just have a £1,000 ticket
56:38You can see Elton John and raffle some diamonds
56:40You know, you probably make, what?
56:42£100,000 if you do that
56:44I mean, how, how much money is, like, little, little pennies gonna come to me?
56:48Er, last time we raised over £60 million
56:53Carry on
56:56Wow
56:56Great, so we'll see Emma later
56:59Lovely
56:59Thanks
57:02Eddie, darling, there is a spot there
57:04What?
57:05We need Emma, darling
57:06On BBC, on television
57:08There is a spot
57:09Whether she's there or not, there's a spot
57:10I could do that spot
57:11Well, sing, darling, sing
57:13Go on with Graham
57:13I could do that
57:14No, I'm gonna try and Emma
57:16Eddie, darling, Eddie
57:16Eddie, I want to be on television
57:21She's not here.
57:24She's not here.
57:25She's not here.
57:27Darling, she's not here.
57:31She can't.
57:32She's not here.
57:33She's not here.
57:35But whatever.
57:35Ready, ready, ready, I can do this.
57:37No, see, I'm going to say, on the night, she's not going to be here.
57:42Okay.
57:42On the night, she's not here.
57:44No, fine, just, Eddie.
57:45Yes.
57:46Okay.
57:46It, it, it, back a bit.
57:47What?
57:48Cheers, thanks a lot.
57:49Cheers, cheers, thanks a lot.
57:52No, darling, you're not going to do it.
57:53You're not going to do it on the night.
57:54Cheers, cheers, thanks a lot.
57:56No, sweetheart, darling, you're not going to do it on the night.
57:58Anyway, I'm going to black out.
57:59No, I'm not going to do it.
58:01On the night, if anyone's listening, if anyone's watching,
58:04on the night, I'll do a song or something, because she's not here.
58:07She's buggered off.
58:09Bullocky bunting.
58:09She's buggered off.
58:10On the night, I'll do a song.
58:12All right.
58:12You know, like, hit it, Jules.
58:15Hit.
58:16Oh, unhit, unhit.
58:18Not that fast.
58:20Slower hit.
58:21Hit.
58:28I'm walking down the road.
58:32Just, thank you, thank you.
58:35Just looking at the things.
58:38People going by, saying, I'd really like to do something about charity.
58:45I would like to feed the world.
58:47Yeah, you could if you didn't eat quite so much.
58:49Yeah, but...
58:49I don't need sushi.
58:52Eddie, Eddie.
58:53Eddie, darling.
58:55Weed.
58:59Weed.
58:59Oh!
59:00Cloth!
59:01Cloth!
59:02Oh, God.
59:02No, stop it now.
59:04Thank you very much, Adina and Patsy.
59:05Enough now.
59:06Enough.
59:06Thank you, ladies.
59:11Mmm.
59:13Ha.