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00:05Morning.
00:07Hello, death. Hello, oblivion.
00:10What time is it, darling?
00:11Ten.
00:12Oh, God, I'd better be off.
00:13It's Sunday.
00:15It's true, then, is it?
00:16Happy birthday.
00:22Oh, darling.
00:24Oh, God, how old am I?
00:25No, don't tell me, darling.
00:29I'm... I'm...
00:29No!
00:32Oh, God, darling.
00:33I don't feel 40.
00:35Well, you don't look...
00:37Oh, thank you.
00:38Come on, now. It's not the end of the world.
00:40It's just a day like any other day.
00:42Oh, God, it's like I hit an oil patch at 35,
00:44and now I'm just skidding towards the grave, darling.
00:48Do I look any different, darling?
00:49Do I look at my face? What do you see?
00:50Who do you see there, darling?
00:53You can lie, you know. I'm just looking for a response here.
00:55Look, don't ask her to do that. She's much better at it.
00:57You look like a 40-year-old woman who's just woken up.
01:00Oh, well, I haven't even been to sleep, darling.
01:02I couldn't sleep.
01:03I could feel the 40-ness coming upon me in the night, darling.
01:07Darling, have a look out the window.
01:08The buzzard's circling, sweetie.
01:10Do you want my present in these cards now or later?
01:12Oh, I don't know.
01:13They might cheer you up.
01:14What? They might what?
01:15Oh, look, never mind.
01:16No, you have to speak up, darling.
01:18This will just take longer to reach old brains.
01:20I've got old ears now, darling.
01:22Right, now listen to me.
01:23Old ears or not, try and concentrate.
01:24It is your birthday, and you have the choice.
01:27Either to make this hell for yourself and everybody else,
01:29to sulk and feel sorry for yourself,
01:31or get up, cheer up, and enjoy the day.
01:33Well, I made up my mind, sweetie.
01:37If my mother uncrossed her legs, I could be two weeks younger.
01:43It feels like the end of my life!
01:45Yes, well, it isn't the end of your life.
01:47It may well be only halfway through your life.
01:49And that's not a prospect, I find all that thrilling.
01:51Believe you me.
01:52Oh, thank you.
01:52Just try and find something to look forward to, for God's sake.
01:55You'd know a lot about it, would you?
01:56You'd know a lot about being 40, would you?
01:57I mean, how often have you ever been 40?
01:59Never, darling, never!
02:00This is something that's happening to me.
02:02It's something that I've got to deal with, all right?
02:03I'm sorry if that sounds selfish, but it's me, me, me!
02:07It's my bloody 40th bloody birthday!
02:10God, I need some space, Jesus!
02:15You're not organising a party or anything, aren't you?
02:18Hmm?
02:19What about wanting a sort of special treat, are you for me?
02:23A little treat or something gorgeous, don't you not?
02:25Not if you don't want it, I'd rather not.
02:27Oh, what, what, then?
02:28It was going to be a surprise.
02:29No!
02:30No, no, no, darling, I will not have a surprise!
02:32I will not have a surprise party!
02:34It's going to be a surprise I want to know about it, all right?
02:37So I can decide where I want to come
02:38and what I'm going to wear if I do come, all right?
02:40I can't expect me just to go to any old bloody party, darling.
02:44No, I don't want a party.
02:45I don't want a party.
02:48I don't want a special big huge party with all my friends, darling.
02:52Some celebrities and a little Japanese finger food
02:55and a great band and tequila slammers all night at midnight.
03:00Oh, well, I'll cancel that then.
03:01No, I would like that!
03:02I would like that, sweetie!
03:03I would!
03:05Oh.
03:06Well, what, then?
03:07What have you organised?
03:08What?
03:09Look, I didn't know what you'd want,
03:10so I've invited a few people round for a family lunch.
03:13Family?
03:13What a going family, darling.
03:14We're hardly the bloody Waltons, are we?
03:17Well, it's not just you and my mother, I hope, is it?
03:19Look, will you stop behaving like this, please?
03:21Darling, this is how I behave!
03:23Anyway, I'm allowed to behave however I want on my birthday.
03:25House rule, remember, sweetie.
03:27Hmm?
03:28Especially to someone who didn't even think I might like a champagne breakfast.
03:31Not even a bloody cup of tea to wake up to on my birthday.
03:34No, that'd be asking too much, wouldn't it?
03:35Here.
03:36Oh, and don't bother opening it.
03:37Throw it straight in the bin, which is probably where you'll put it anyway.
03:39Oh, all right.
03:40I want a list of who you've invited and I'm not saying I'll be there.
03:50Lacroix?
03:51Christian Lacroix?
03:57Sweetie! Sweetie!
03:59Oh, sweetie darling!
04:05Darling, they're gorgeous. Where'd you get them, sweetie?
04:08Hmm?
04:08Is it Harvey Nichols, darling?
04:10Yes.
04:10Michelle, tell me I can get a discount there, sweetie.
04:12I don't like them.
04:13Well, darling, they're hardly the old judge tats you normally give me.
04:16I mean, Lacroix, darling.
04:18They are Lacroix, aren't they, darling?
04:19They're not just something you put in the box of me, sweetie.
04:21Do you like them or not?
04:23I like them if they're Lacroix.
04:25Well, they are.
04:26Oh, good. I like them, darling. Thank you.
04:27Pat's here.
04:28No.
04:28Have you got that champagne out?
04:30I did. You.
04:31Well, pour me a glass, darling.
04:32Don't you say it's down there getting warm, sweetie?
04:35Don't pop it, sweetie. Squeeze, squeeze it out, darling.
04:38All right.
04:39Oh, sweetie. Oh, darling.
04:41Can you help me, sweetie? Darling.
04:42I'm having a hot flush.
04:43Darling, darling, quickly. Feel my skin. Feel my skin. Feel it.
04:46You're standing too close to the kettle.
04:53I thought I was drying up there for a minute, sweetie.
04:56Yes, you would.
04:57Oh, God. You know, it's worried me.
04:58Do you think we ought to get some hormone replacement packs for emergencies?
05:01Do you think so, darling?
05:02I mean, one day, sweetie, you could come home and find me
05:04just a little toothless old wad of gum on the floor.
05:08I'm going to slap some glands on me quick. I'll get some.
05:10I'll get some.
05:13Oh, God.
05:15Well, who have you invited, then?
05:16Oh, so you're coming, then?
05:17Darling, I didn't say I was coming. I just said,
05:19who have you invited? You're forcing me to ask.
05:21Well, there's you, me, Grandma.
05:24Oh, Grandadad's got to stay at home and look after the house.
05:26Oh, I thought he was dead.
05:30There's Justin, Oliver and Marshall.
05:33Oh, God.
05:34Overdosing on the ex-husbands, aren't we, sweetie?
05:37I don't know Marshall was over from L.A.
05:38How long has he been over here?
05:39Is my son with him? Is Serge with him?
05:41No.
05:42Well, where is he?
05:43He's taking lava samples from a volcano in Hawaii.
05:46What? Did you invite him, darling?
05:47I couldn't get hold of him.
05:48And, yes, I faxed the volcano.
05:52Honestly, that's it, then, is it?
05:54Hmm? That's the party list, is it? Huh?
05:57You, an old woman, two bastard ex-husbands, one with a poisonous, odious boyfriend.
06:01And Patsy.
06:02Oh, thank God.
06:02And you.
06:03I haven't confirmed.
06:07What are you doing there, huh?
06:09What are you doing here?
06:10Making lunch.
06:13Making lunch?
06:16Cooking.
06:20Cooking on our cooker, darling.
06:22I don't know.
06:23Look, why don't you go upstairs and have a bath and let me get on with it, please?
06:28Do you want to use some help or something?
06:29No, please don't.
06:30You've only ever used this cooker to light your fags off of.
06:33Darling, that is simply not...
06:35No, that is true.
06:37I thought it might make a change for you to eat some normal food for once.
06:40Darling, I like exotic food. You are what you eat, remember?
06:42Which makes you a large vegetarian tart.
06:45Now, go ahead and have a bath.
06:49Got someone to serve?
06:50Hmm?
06:51Oh, darling, you have got someone to serve, haven't you, sweetie?
06:54Hmm?
06:55Oh, God, get a couple of Filipinas in.
06:58Oh.
06:59Don't look at me like that, sweetie.
07:01They do get paid, you know.
07:02Glad of it.
07:04Hmm?
07:04You can be a socialist and have staff, you know, sweetie, but no.
07:07No, darling, we'll clear up our own plates on my birthday, shall we?
07:09We'll clear up my own plates on my birthday, shall we, darling?
07:11Oh, yes, happy to work on my bloody birthday, aren't we?
07:13Oh, yes, this bloody birthday that I'm having.
07:15Huh?
07:16Well, not much of a bloody birthday so far, is it?
07:19God, you think, being 40, you could expect a bit more?
07:22Huh?
07:22An old pair of earrings,
07:23some miserable old family and friends coming round,
07:25and my son, my one pride and joy wasn't even bloody invited,
07:29and we're all going to be forced to eat your cooked food
07:31and clear up our own bloody plates?
07:36Oh, no!
07:40Did you hit me?
07:41No.
07:44It's illegal, isn't it?
07:50I'll let this hit your parents' right down.
07:54Ow, sweetie, ow!
07:55Get out of it!
07:56I don't want to come and die again unless you can behave.
07:58I'm fed up of it, Mum!
08:15sorry darling not now don't want to go back upstairs don't go like my earrings darling
08:28i'm gonna have a bath in them shall i thank you my lovely daughter gave me
09:01how's it going oh fine i've just set mum up for a bath why don't you pop up and see
09:05her oh no
09:07anything i can do no anything to cut up or peel no all under control cook no
09:15would you like me to wash anything up all done oh nothing i can do to help
09:22uh i need that bowl oh
09:28there we are not completely useless you see
09:37hi hello hello marshall come in hi i'm beau sweetie shall we go in oh yeah okay you must be
09:43saffron
09:43yes uh where's your mother uh she's upstairs she may be down later well you know maybe i should pop
09:48up and say kind of give her a hello hug tell her i support her i'm open to her feelings
09:53clear the
09:53vibes before a bunch of people get here no
09:59uh-oh i see stairs give me your hand
10:07uh are you sure you wouldn't like to go upstairs to the sitting room no i like the kitchen it's
10:12the heart the warm center of family life we like it here don't we marshall
10:17how is your mother oh she's fine you know the same a bit wider ah right and how are you
10:23oh you know
10:24the same
10:27this is your water marshall i see four cubes of ice in it is that okay shall i put it
10:32here for
10:32you yeah is that a lemon in it is this may i ask a lemon in marshall's water not a
10:39whole one
10:40i think it is dear will you take it out for me of course excuse me hi can i get
10:48a cloth or a dish
10:50or a napkin to put this in i think i'll take out a couple of the cubes of ice too
10:53yeah that would be
10:54nice okay i'm gonna take out a couple of cubes of ice this water is really gassy by the way
10:58are you
10:59sure you can cope with just pure water marshall why don't you have a drink it's excuse me it's a
11:05party
11:05go on go on just have a little drink that's it go on one little drink won't kill you
11:18you used to like a drink just a little go on just a little teeny sip of a little drink
11:24so marshall uh he's had a drug and alcohol addiction problem oh don't feel embarrassed
11:29we talk about it really freely he used to shoot up oh dear sure i see olives oh these are
11:38green
11:38olives yeah and these are black olives shall i fit one for you honey
11:49you say talk to them oh no i can talk to them please i'd rather kiss a baboon's bottom is
11:54the same
11:56hello sweetheart thank you
12:00oliver's here good i invited you guys now i want you to know that we think it's a very very
12:05brave
12:06thing that you're doing and whatever happens sweetie it's the thought that counts it's a thought that
12:10stinks what does she know not that all can't be beautiful and not knowing something isn't
12:15positive
12:15oh
12:54something smells yummy what time were you aiming for eating uh i was aiming for eating two o'clock
12:59ish i haven't got an exact schedule marshall may have to eat sooner he's hypoglycemic he gets low energy
13:04and constipation and constipation if i don't mash it up
13:08have a crisp all right
13:11there you go
13:26it's looking great did you see everybody's here everybody's here and i've said i'm not going
13:32down there darling oh sweetie but i want you to go down there yeah and get me a drink or
13:35i bring up a
13:36bottle or something and talk about me a little bit when you're down there would you
13:39champagne for me yeah bolly they'll be on my way get the bolly
14:03i want you to look around my house again justin i'm sure i've got something that could go on the
14:07antiques roadshow
14:16hey no attention don't even look at her she was always doing that as a child
14:20rescue remedy rescue remedy get off get off get off
14:28as a party could have dregs before it even begun
14:31you're all right thanks to pats everyone else carry on enjoying yourself at my expense why don't you
14:37i'm not staying
14:43are you all right oh you can see me i do exist oh
14:46we're too late darling come on
14:52be so much pain in this leg and not one single mark pats
14:56hack at them with the razor sweetie if you want sympathy yeah i think i should
15:00come can i come in
15:03as long as you haven't come to hit me again darling
15:08are you okay
15:13internal injuries mainly you know darling where's patsy on the loop what are you coming down what
15:19we're not talking to you pats are you coming down oh yes me what me yeah i have to do
15:23everything
15:24don't i i have to get up i have to get changed i have to come down the bloody stairs
15:27god i don't
15:28suppose it occurred to anybody to come up and see me no i've been up here for hours on my
15:31own being
15:32faulty on my own darling being faulty i mean i could be 80 years old and dribbling into my
15:37incontinence pants before anyone came up and see me
15:40nine tights and knickers i can borrow sweetie i didn't get home last night
15:44second door down over there please come down we're about to eat
15:49i'm about to eat darling that's hardly the high point is it hardly a tempting smorgasbord awaiting me
15:54downstairs is that darling hmm i suppose you invited oliver just to spite me he's dad's boyfriend it's
15:59right he should be it's my birthday why do you hate him oh god what's the real reason it's not
16:05because he's gay oh darling i came to terms that little fact of life before they had all my friends
16:08are gay all my friends are gay well then why oh how long is it taking you to find a
16:14pair of knickers
16:15there pats have you got any g-string are they all jumbo
16:20oh darling there should be a g-string in there somewhere
16:24not that i've worn them for a couple of years not since i caught sight of my back view trying
16:27something on harvey nichols and thought i was showing the cubicle of the sumo wrestler
16:34well are you waiting for me to say something darling what have i got to say tell me what
16:37why you hate oliver oh darling i thought it was perfectly obvious i hate him because you like him
16:41oh i could see you down there chatting and laughing and joking with him
16:44i virtually had to plunge headlong down a vertical staircase to even raise an eyebrow from you these
16:51days don't i darling all right look i promise i won't talk to oliver if you come downstairs
16:56all right well darling i'll come downstairs if you'll change those awkward trousers
17:00hey you bought me these those aren't the ones from benetton oh god darling
17:07why do you look like this in clothes they look different than anyone else in the world they'd look
17:10different how do you do that to clothes just try and relax and enjoy yourself
17:18i think you'll find they've all got crotches
17:27you're not eating patsy no liquid lunch for me no wonder you're still thin as a rake
17:33men like something to get hold of you know isn't that right oliver
17:48you know you have a terrific figure oh you have a terrific figure she is isn't she the cutest
17:54thing what a sweet thing to say mom why don't you be nice darling where do you find a marshal
17:59floating around la with the rest of the airheads and you've been through a few in the past 15 years
18:04haven't you mom don't you promise we've got to do something to take our minds off of vegetable
18:07bloody moose haven't we how's the script coming marshall oh yeah how's the script is this the same
18:11script you've been developing for the past 15 years marshall it's at a really exciting stage
18:15yes marshall just recently signed a new development deal with paramount it's a very exciting stage
18:20shall i do the place darling shall i clear them away no i'll do it darling shall i work on
18:25my birthday
18:25sweetie if you don't do that in front of me i'll show up
18:30i'm with maneuver i'm with middle clear i'm trained in this
18:38darling i thought i was mad no you are mad
18:49so you're in antiques as well yes uh justin and i have a shop that's what you're calling
18:55it a few miserable bits of furniture you have to ring a bell before they'll let you in unwelcoming
18:59vincent price could take lessons i've always wanted to know how they make furniture look so old oh that's
19:04easy just let it live with adina for a couple of years usually that's the trick you know i love
19:10old
19:10things i really do they made me feel so centered and warm it must be so satisfying handling antiques
19:21justin should know you live with one once right right that is it that is it oh yeah secondhand goods
19:27can't keep your hands off secondhand goods can you huh too strange you know i am sensing a lot of
19:35aggression are you just going to sit here and let me take this i'll just just leave it to me
19:40gee whiz
19:41you are a bad woman i think he is i think we should leave i see no point in celebrating
19:45the fact that
19:46she's lived so bloody long are you coming justin no please if you do decide to look for me i'll
19:53be at
19:53the ymca oh you're not coming justin you're not going huh no i'm here for sappy oh you're here for
19:58sappy
19:58i hope you're happy yes warming up darling one down
20:0540 years god it's not my life has been lived and i don't know how i've got this house all
20:12the
20:12things in this house and i've got a child and two ex-husbands sitting downstairs i don't know how
20:17i've got them i don't know if i want them anymore you know i want a bit home i'm a
20:23record player my
20:24posters and not wearing makeup without frightening people i went to a party the other night pants
20:31and i thought i looked so gorgeous so cool darling and i just flirted and was loud and gorgeous all
20:37night you know i was kathleen toller marie clinton everybody i came home i looked in the mirror
20:44and i was entirely annihilated my hair had sort of gone flat and parted itself in the middle
20:50the food here i don't know how long a bit of food no lipstick eyes like pinholes
20:57i look like a 200 year old red indian dead dwarf she's not handling this 40 thing too well is
21:05she
21:05i mean golly i wish you could tell her it's no big deal i had a ball on my 40th
21:09birthday i felt really
21:10strong really sorted out about it i realized what a wonderful lucky person i was and whether in your
21:1630s or your 40s you're still the same gorgeous person enjoy life when will you be 50
21:25she hasn't started 50 therapy yet oh dear
21:31god i hate morgan fairchild i hate jane bloody fonder
21:37i hope all their old skin comes back to haunt them
21:40i bought those bloody woman's tapes i paid for those plastic domes on her chest i want them when
21:45she dies you know there must be a a moment about a week after death and all those women finally
21:49achieve the figure they desire it's a little thin those plastic bumps
21:55the flesh will rot away but the bumps will still be there yeah
21:59little coffins full of bones and bumps
22:01yeah can i just have a quality moment here can i no really i just want to stop here and
22:11say
22:12could we hold hands oh please no
22:15come on everybody hold hands feeling circle
22:20i just want to say thank you to whatever being or entity brought us together on this special day
22:25yes that's enough now we know why we're here okay duty i'm here for my daughter it's got to be
22:31more
22:31than that i mean both you and marshall married her obviously it was an error on marshall's part he was
22:36weak he was stoned the worst trip of my life why you ever married her justin i'll never know well
22:45uh
22:46she was i mean i had uh well seemed like a good idea at the time anyway she was going
22:51through a
22:51a bad patch at least you got away without being sucked dry i'm paying child support for a child
22:56i'm supporting and i'm paying for this house what do you think of that i'm paying for this house how
23:01much let me handle this boat we'll get to the point how much she said she got nothing from you
23:06nothing nothing marshall pays plenty oh i'm handling this i pay plenty god yeah what is it i'm just
23:15going to talk to your mother and this is it see honey it's not over i mean how much money
23:20could
23:20you possibly need she's got a tiny little daughter who hardly eats anything
23:37happy birthday
23:41no you know today's bloody no smoking day
23:44god bloodiness you don't do no smoking day don't do blood don't do bloody no drinking day
23:50no shooting people day no no wearing bloody awful clothes
23:57nobody can be a bloody boring old fart day
24:04that one wants to know are you going to be long in there burning justice
24:14sounds like more fun in there
24:15you
24:2139 40 she's not gonna like this
24:27happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear
24:45can i just say one little thing yeah every life is more or less a trash can among whose garbage
24:51we
24:51have to look out what that person ought to have been do you want me to deal with that
24:56in with anger out with love
25:00you're still here darling you're still here i have to give you your present oh presents yes it's my
25:06birthday i get presents don't i already i've got this gorgeous pair of pair of earrings what was that
25:11not down the toilet oh i didn't like him anyway oh my lovely daughter i love a little thing from
25:15pat
25:16so marsh where's my prayers sweetheart i have the gift of many more
25:28what the buggery bollocks is this
25:31huh oh it's a copy a signed copy of my book on ancient oils
25:36next aren't you very insulted by that marshall i've lived with her believe me that's
25:40flirtation
25:41darling there's my presents it's in the hall we're in the hall and it's not an old piece of furniture
25:46again come on pass let's check it out it's in the hall
25:51done dear we're nearly there i think she's had almost a perfect day
25:54this money thing is not done with we'll sort it out we will sort it out
25:58do you understand me oh yes oh yes all right just checking
26:19do you know you do it
26:30I am here riding through
26:33Wheels on fire
26:36Rolling down the road
26:42There's no air by my next of kin
26:45This wheel shall explode
26:49Words, passwords, passwords
26:51I took the inventory of the house
26:52I couldn't get into the firing cam
26:54It was locked
26:54But I almost do the things in this movie