- 1 day ago
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00:00Try and concentrate. Important information, I have to tell you.
00:04I am going to be in France for nearly a whole week, and I'm counting on you to cope.
00:08Now, there's only one thing that you have to concentrate on this week,
00:10and that's the refurbishment of Bettina's apartment.
00:12Refurbishment of Bettina's apartment.
00:14It's very important. I promise it'll be finished this week.
00:16I mean, when you said third-world chic, I was hoping she'd stick to it,
00:19but it took me hours to get hold of that fly-blown mud hessian for her kitchen walls.
00:24I mean, there is a nomadic tribe in the northern African desert
00:27that's going to be travelling rather light this winter, thanks to Bettina.
00:31Also, when the wood arrives for her kitchen surfaces,
00:34remember to stamp Greenpeace approved on it.
00:36Greenpeace approved?
00:36Yes, and if the self-pull cushions doesn't arrive by tomorrow,
00:39then fax Calcutta and tell them to weave faster.
00:41Oh, my God, what could they be doing?
00:43Scotting inside the road, making you pass.
00:45God's sake, and poor Bettina.
00:50Also, darling, I'll try and phone you from my mobile,
00:54but I'm not sure that it'll work from France.
00:56Well, even if it does, I'm not sure I'd understand what you were saying.
00:59What, darling?
01:00Well, you do speak French, don't you?
01:02Of course I speak French.
01:04Someone has been stealing from me.
01:07Oh, God.
01:10Saffy.
01:11Morning, dear.
01:12What are you doing here?
01:13Well, I'm coming to stay, dear, while you're away to keep Saffa and company.
01:16No, you're not.
01:17Is she, sweetie?
01:18I don't mind.
01:19Well, Saffy doesn't want you staying here cramping her style.
01:21She wants a little bit of freedom.
01:23She wants to have parties and have boys around and play loud music.
01:26And have ointies.
01:27Yeah, a bit of snogging and smacks the place up a bit and crash out of the car.
01:31In a pool of sick.
01:32Yes.
01:33Well, don't.
01:34Well, why not, darling?
01:36Why not try it just once, sweetie?
01:38You're not like your mother in that respect, are you, Saffron?
01:40She spent most of her teenage years sitting on a large bean bag, cigarette in one hand,
01:45jaw stick in the other, with a large-lipped youth suctioned onto her face.
01:49Come here, darling.
01:50Come away from that woman.
01:51Come here.
01:51I want to see you.
01:53Nice cup of tea.
01:54Now, where would one find the tea bags?
01:55We don't have tea bags.
01:56We haven't had tea.
01:58Come over here, sweetie.
01:59I want to talk to you.
02:00Come over.
02:00Come.
02:03Something has been stolen from my room.
02:06What?
02:06Just a little certain something precious to me, darling.
02:09Have you seen this pot?
02:10Where?
02:10What?
02:16It's a sort of space-age teapot, isn't it, dear?
02:20A teapot to boldly go where no teapot has been before, to seek out new life forms.
02:25I hid you, Saffron.
02:28Where?
02:29Down the toilet.
02:30What might one use to put the tea into the pot, dear?
02:33A teaspoon.
02:34A bloody buggery teaspoon, though.
02:35Oh, a bloody buggery teaspoon.
02:38Sounds rather clever.
02:39And what did one fill the kettle from?
02:41The bloody marvellous tap, I suppose?
02:43No.
02:43Well, we happen to have a filter here.
02:46All right.
02:47Gosh, you've come round here and made an endless bloody fuss.
02:50This is my house where I should be able to do what I want.
02:52If only people would let me get on with it.
02:55Say, I've been busted by my own daughter, have I?
02:57Oh, well.
02:58What am I supposed to do now, sweetie?
03:00Well, what were you planning to do?
03:01Slide it in the lining of your handbag?
03:03Or insert it in some orifice for some dog to sniff out?
03:06I mean, I can't believe you were thinking of taking it with you.
03:09I don't mind if you have to have the odd joint at home in your bedroom.
03:12Oh, well, sweetie, thank you.
03:13How kind, darling.
03:15It was for personal use to you.
03:17I allowed it for personal use.
03:18Yes, Mum, but they would send you to prison.
03:19Oh, darling.
03:20Not someone like me, sweetie.
03:22Not anymore.
03:23Pathetic.
03:23The stilted water boils very fast.
03:26That's because there's less of it.
03:28Ah.
03:28I mean, they are illegal drugs.
03:31You use them like most people have afters in a mince to round off a meal.
03:34Either you sniff something to make you speedy
03:35or smoke a little something to make you jelly-brained.
03:37Either way, you end up more boring than you can imagine.
03:40Well, that is rich coming from someone who lives their life to a level of boredom
03:43that would make a battery chicken take up an evening class, sweetie.
03:47Mum, you are supporting a criminal, corrupt, evil system.
03:51Is she insisting on voting Labour again, dear?
03:53Oh, shit.
03:54I mean, you're no different to a junkie on the street, to a dealer.
03:57As long as people like you go on doing it, giving it a hint of respectability,
04:00the evil will continue.
04:02Governments will be undermined, countries kept poor, children corrupted,
04:05individuals will be killed, intimidated, and tortured.
04:09God, you've overdosed on John bloody Craven's news round again.
04:14Well, that could be Patsy.
04:15Oh, I'll go.
04:18Bonjour, sweetie.
04:24Oh, Patricia.
04:25Oh, hello.
04:25How nice.
04:28Still no ring on that finger then?
04:30Still no husband?
04:32No one special.
04:32Eddie!
04:32Oh.
04:33And you were always the one with the boys.
04:36It seems so strange to me that Ed Weiner should have been married twice
04:40and you still a spinster.
04:41Oh, I don't know.
04:44Still blonde then?
04:45Yes.
04:46Still managing to keep that up?
04:47Yes.
04:47Is Eddie here?
04:48Yes, she's here.
04:50Lovely old Patsy's here, dear.
04:51Come on, Eddie.
04:52No, no, Patsy, here's Safie.
04:54Safie, here's Aunty Patsy.
04:55Bye-bye Aunty Patsy.
04:56Come on in.
04:58Goodbye, dear.
04:59Take care of yourself.
05:00I will, I will.
05:00Have you got in?
05:01Be careful.
05:02Passports, tickets, condoms.
05:03Yes, darling.
05:07You, remember, cancel my aromatherapy, my psychotherapy, my reflexology, my osteopath,
05:11my homeopath, my naturopath, my crystal ribbon, my shiatsu, my organic hairdresser
05:13and see if I can be rebirthed next Thursday afternoon.
05:16Consider it done.
05:19Oh, and one of those, there.
05:21Du vin rouge?
05:21No, I've got that one.
05:23And there's two hot pots.
05:24And there's two hot pots.
05:24The vodka?
05:25This, this, this.
05:26Ça, c'est du parfum, madame.
05:29And there's two champagne.
05:31Champagne.
05:32Yeah.
05:32What's in there?
05:33Ça, c'est la poubelle, madame.
05:34Yeah, we'll have two of those.
05:35Can you see how the people wait?
05:38No.
05:39Peanuts, they're peanuts.
05:40Oi, peanuts!
05:42You bloody French hobbit.
05:47Madame!
05:49Wazelle, madame Wazelle!
05:51I'm having a really healthy week this week, pass.
05:53I'm not eating and I'm not drinking.
05:54Right.
05:56Fruit, obviously.
05:57Just eating fruit.
05:58Just eating fruit and not drinking.
06:01We can't go to France and not drink.
06:03The strategy we're staying out is in the middle of a vineyard.
06:05In the air alone it's 15% fruit.
06:06I'll drink just wine.
06:08Eat just fruit.
06:09Drink just wine.
06:09And not smoke.
06:10That's good.
06:11I'm not having sex.
06:13Sort of.
06:15Positive.
06:15All right.
06:16Okay.
06:17Are we starting now, when we land?
06:20I think I can safely start now.
06:25Let's see when we land.
06:36Look, it's glorious, sweetie.
06:38Wake up, Pats.
06:38Look at this.
06:39We're missing, sweetie.
06:40What's the...
06:41Hang on.
06:41Let's get this corner.
06:43Oh, it's gorgeous.
06:45It's a little cow.
06:46Oh.
06:46This is it.
06:47Isn't it time?
06:48Look.
06:48Wake up, Pats.
06:49Is this the house?
06:50Oh, God.
06:52Eddie, we've been down this road before.
06:53We've been down this road.
06:55We've been down this road.
06:55That was the same village.
06:57We are going back.
06:59I'm stopping.
07:03Wake up.
07:06Am I on the right side of the road or the wrong side of the road?
07:08I can't go on until I'm sure.
07:10Keep driving, Eddie.
07:11I don't hit anything yet.
07:12This is here.
07:12I should be on the right-hand side of the road.
07:14Look, do you want me to drive?
07:16Oh, well, so speaks the woman whose head has been lolling around like a bladder on a stick for the
07:19best part of the journey.
07:19Just read the maps.
07:21Get the maps.
07:25This is Spain.
07:27Leave the instructions.
07:29Leave airport.
07:30Turn right.
07:30Blah, blah, blah.
07:32Right.
07:32Now, get in, Pats.
07:34This is the airport.
07:34I shouldn't have gone left, did I?
07:36I mean, my room is safe.
07:38Right?
07:42Going back to that bloody airport, Pats.
07:44We'll never find it.
07:45We'll never find it.
07:48Oh, God.
07:48I hate France!
07:51I hate France!
07:52I hate France!
07:56Eight hours, Pats, it has taken us.
07:58That kind of knocks your idea of wild nightlife in Saint-Tropez on the head, doesn't it?
08:01Sweetie.
08:05Eight hours!
08:07Eight bloody hours!
08:09I mean that you have done your house way more than three times!
08:11We've been behind so many bloody suns!
08:13We've been ten minutes from Saint-Tropez right now!
08:14Well, I don't think so somehow.
08:15The sky lost that comforting orange glow a long way back.
08:20Well, it's gorgeous.
08:24After eight hours in that bloody car with you, Patsy, the local Pissoir looked rather gorgeous.
08:30But this...
08:31Shut up, Eddie.
08:32We want something to eat and something to drink.
08:33Oh, God.
08:34Well, to eat, Patsy, I can see four pieces of dried up pasta and half a packet of French toast,
08:41which defies eating at the best of times, darling.
08:43A cockroach!
08:44A cockroach!
08:45A cockroach over there!
08:46A cockroach over there!
08:46A cockroach over there!
08:48A cockroach over there!
09:04Insects, insects!
09:05Insects!
09:05You know, we see pictures of glamorous houses in Marrakesh, for God's sake.
09:09You never see spiders scuttling into the corner.
09:12I've never seen a picture of Jane Seymour with the centipede dangling from her bloody tiara.
09:16No, they just follow me. They bloody follow me.
09:18I mean, a mosquito's never bitten you, for God's sake.
09:20The last mosquito that bit me had to hook into the Bertie Ford Clinic.
09:28Oh, God, I hate France.
09:31I'm having a little trouble finding BBC, dear.
09:34I've flicked through about 15 channels.
09:37Oh, you've got it on satellite. Press that one.
09:39Oh, no wonder.
09:40I kept seeing these Italian housewives taking their bras off.
09:45I thought, this can't be a challenge, Annika.
09:48Can I help myself to a sherry, dear?
09:51Ooh.
09:52Or shall I have a Japanese beer?
09:55No.
09:56Ah, shut up!
09:58It's all right, Kitty, I've got a lighter.
09:59Oh, God, that's typical, isn't it? Whenever you go bloody abroad,
10:02the slightest suggestion of a thunderstorm and all the bloody lights go out.
10:05Well, that's typical, isn't it?
10:06Oh, yes, let's all join Europe so the lights can bloody go out everywhere.
10:09See, Kyle, the Federal States, I don't know.
10:12What does the matter with you?
10:13No. We need a joint. We both need a joint.
10:15Well, I haven't got any saffy flesh at all mine, a lot.
10:18I thought you'd have something.
10:19Well, I was counting on you.
10:20I've only got some coke. I've got some ecstasy.
10:22Oh, so you'll know that.
10:24No one's taking that any more.
10:26Well, I'm going to bed.
10:28Oh, did you sleep in here, stranded?
10:30And there's only one candle, sweetie.
10:34Careful here.
10:34We could come across a corpse or something.
10:42Well, I'm very sorry about the bloody ozone layer, but this is a matter of human survival here.
10:49Pat, why don't you go down to the village? You know what we need?
10:51I don't know what we need.
10:53Yes, you do know what we need, darling.
10:55We need, you know, milk and bread and cheese and little French things.
11:00Go on.
11:00Oh, look, sweetie, why don't you go?
11:01Look, I'll write it down for you. Hang on.
11:04Look.
11:04Come on, sweetie.
11:05Now, we need bread.
11:08Pan.
11:10From the bakery.
11:11The p-p-p-p-p-panery.
11:15Mosse margerie.
11:16Oh, no.
11:16And get a few little vejotables from the grocery.
11:20A few little things, darling, anyway.
11:21Go on, off you go, darling.
11:22Oh, look, Eddie, you do it.
11:23Oh, no.
11:25All right, I'll go, but if I go, you've got to phone Safi and Bubble and let them know we're
11:28here, all right?
11:29I've tried. I don't know the code.
11:30Well, darling, what is it from L.A.?
11:32It doesn't work.
11:33And anyway, there isn't a book.
11:34I'll just phone the opera, sir.
11:36Say what?
11:37Say what's, well, a code for
11:40Ingleterre for Londra, for God's sake.
11:41I'll do it when you've gone.
11:43Oh.
11:44We've got some money, darling.
11:46Yes, I've got lots of money.
11:49Oh, well.
11:51Oh, well.
11:52Well, is that enough?
11:54That's about £500.
11:58I've got cards.
12:03See you later.
12:05Oh, God.
12:17What are you doing here?
12:20Who are you?
12:22The match is at 400 meters.
12:26I don't know.
12:27What are you doing here?
12:38I'm not so sure I'm going to work for you.
12:40What?
12:49What are you doing here?
12:50Oh, my God.
12:51I'll do it whenever I get around.
12:51Oh, my God.
12:58I don't know what you're saying, but I don't know what you're saying.
13:37I must be getting close enough.
13:40Judy, when you get through, I'll ask Shaffey to come and bring food, shall I?
13:43No, we don't want her down here.
13:45Why don't you just get her to phone up in French and order the food from Paris and have it
13:48sent down?
13:49All right.
14:03What are you doing here?
14:06Pats, Pats, come here, quickly.
14:09What are you doing here?
14:11The mat is at 400 meters.
14:22Has she rung?
14:23No, what's the matter?
14:25It's urgent.
14:27A very angry man called to say she'd have signed this or the work won't be finished on...
14:37doing Mrs. Flat.
14:39Why can't it wait?
14:40She's cutting it really, really fine with her leave it till she gets back.
14:44In fact, I think he wants it tomorrow morning.
14:47Oh, this sort of thing's never happened to me before.
14:50We've never done anything before.
14:52I know.
14:53I don't know why she wants to do this interior design thing.
14:56There's just so much work.
14:59Well, she never would be told.
15:00She's always had her own ideas about decorating.
15:03How she could live in that room of hers at home, I just don't know.
15:07Since she left, it's had two coats of paint and three different wallpapers.
15:12And when the light's right, I can still see Jimi Hendrix's face staring out at me.
15:19Purple face, all in my brain.
15:23Never the same.
15:25Oh, dear.
15:27Hello?
15:28Mum?
15:30No?
15:31How can you have malnutrition?
15:41Oh, God, it's that old man again.
15:42You go, Pats.
15:43He likes you.
15:44He likes you, darling.
15:45He fancies you.
15:46You go.
15:52Oh, thank God.
15:56Why?
15:57That's the baby.
15:58Rosemary's baby's arrived for food.
16:01Oh, sweetie, food!
16:05Oh, God, hello, darling.
16:06This isn't really what I imagined.
16:08Oh, God, it's horrible, isn't it?
16:09Oh, I like it.
16:10Oh, sweetie, it's been a nightmare.
16:11Look, have you eaten?
16:12No.
16:12Oh, God, I'll do one of my specials.
16:14I'll just throw some tomatoes and olive oil and garlic into a pan.
16:17A sandwich would do.
16:18No, sweetie, I'll do my special.
16:20Come on, darling, can you hand me a spying pan?
16:22Come on, sir.
16:24Can you hand me a spying pan?
16:24Ah!
16:26Ah!
16:31Anyone fancy a game of table tennis?
16:38I'm sorry there's nothing to do, darling.
16:41What do you mean?
16:41There's plenty to do.
16:43You could walk or paint or play a game of table tennis.
16:47I suppose that's all right if you're some deprived kid at its first youth club.
16:51Prism in cell block age.
16:54Bubble?
16:55Yeah.
16:57Bubble can remember how to play.
17:08Bubble, have you moved?
17:11I think I'll be a bush anyway, sweetie.
17:13I've got my green paint mixed up.
17:14I've done you, Pratsy.
17:31It's lovely here.
17:35It's lovely, yeah.
17:38How can you not be enjoying it?
17:40It's so peaceful and relaxing.
17:42Just walking and reading and playing games.
17:45It's fun.
17:46Fun?
17:49I can see it should be fun.
17:50I mean, I know it should be fun, sweetie.
17:54It's like a secret that no one's let me in on.
17:56You know, it's your sort of fun.
17:59Hmm?
18:00Yeah.
18:00Yes, well, I think I'll go and have a stroll in the village.
18:04I won't come.
18:09Pats!
18:10You know that chateau with the digustation that we passed?
18:13What do you think?
18:19Mmm.
18:21Mmm.
18:24I get it snorted.
18:25Just drink it, sweetie.
18:27Oh!
18:30Fabulous.
18:31Fantastique.
18:31Now, which...
18:32This one, we've tried this one.
18:34I like this one.
18:35Mmm.
18:36Is this one?
18:37This is the one, Pats.
18:39This...
18:39This one...
18:40This one.
18:41This is the one, sweetie.
18:42This one here.
18:42We've tried this one.
18:44Have we tried this one?
18:45Have we tried this one?
18:46What is this one?
18:46What is this one?
18:47We haven't tried this one, I don't think, sweetie.
18:49We've tried this one.
18:52Mmm.
18:53You're the one.
18:53No, this is the one.
18:54This is the one.
18:55That's the one we like.
18:56This is the one we like.
18:58This is the one we didn't want.
18:59That's one.
19:00The empty one.
19:00We didn't want this one.
19:02This is the one.
19:03This is the one.
19:04we wanted. This was the best. That is the one that we wanted. This was one, and this was
19:15one, and this was one. We haven't had much of it. And that box. We have it in the box
19:22as well.
19:48Shit, someone's taking the stairs.
20:03Oh, thanks, Ed. All right, so. All right. If you do the sky over the grass, all right.
20:20Fancy a pair of doubles? No, I don't play. I'm only going to play if I can play with
20:27Eddie. Wait a minute. Oh, it's so stupid. I mean, they've made the holes the wrong shape
20:36for the pieces.
20:43Oh. Come on, Patsy.
20:45Oh. Well, you see, you're not playing Mr. Minted, because it's all sort of that.
20:49It's very good. I'm in the game as well. You're looking at it to me sometimes.
20:55Pats, nice. Darling.
20:57Wipe it. Wipe it. Wipe it. Wipe it.
20:59No, no, no. Let's stop.
21:00I'll let the score.
21:03All right. Now, here's to me. Here's to me.
21:07Oh, well done.
21:09Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:12You've got to stop, and you're not allowed to play until I'm ready.
21:14Hey. You two have scoring, all right?
21:16So why don't you give another score? What happened to that ball?
21:20Um, 2-1.
21:23Yes!
21:26Oh, I'm broke.
21:27I'll take another mortgage. Don't give in.
21:29What? I'll get onto jail-free card?
21:31I'll try.
21:33I thought you were broke.
21:35Where did you get all that money from?
21:37Don't question me.
21:38Where did you get it?
21:39I borrowed it from the bank.
21:42But you can't do that. That's cheating.
21:43Listen, you little stoat.
21:45I own Park Lane.
21:46I can borrow as much bloody money as I like.
21:49Come on, honestly, Safie.
21:50Try and get into the spirit of the thing, sweetie.
22:02Isn't this the paper you wanted my mother to sign?
22:04Oh, jeepers, jeepers.
22:06Well, go and give it to her now. There's still time.
22:08No.
22:08Oh, go on.
22:09You.
22:10Don't be silly. Go on.
22:18Get me to that phone.
22:22Ingotera, Ingotera.
22:24Jesus.
22:27Franto.
22:38Oh, he says he's wondering why we've been staying at the cottage.
22:45The staff have been expecting us at the chateau.
22:48Half mile than you.
22:53Oh, he hopes we had a pleasant stay.
22:58Listen, you little gunk.
22:59If you tell anyone what he's said, I'll kill you.
23:04Drive.
23:05Just drive.
23:06Get in the car.
23:07Get in the car.
23:08Drive.
23:09Drive.
23:13Patsy, get in.
23:15Leave her.
23:16Leave her.
23:17She's not quick enough.
23:17Come on, sweetie.
23:18Come on, sweetie.
23:22I mean, it's absolutely ridiculous stopping me.
23:25Look at the people they're letting through.
23:27Stone Chinese hippies with backpacks.
23:29I've got it.
23:32Prescription.
23:32Look, there's someone waiting just out by that barrier there
23:35to get this piece of paper to save my reputation and career.
23:43If he finds anything, perhaps you're on your own.
23:50Whose bag is this?
23:53It's my case.
23:54It's my snitch bag.
23:58Who packed this case?
24:00They did.
24:03You'd better come with me.
24:11You don't have to say anything.
24:12I know.
24:15If you had given me this piece of paper sooner,
24:17I would have rushed home and I wouldn't be standing here now.
24:21It's not her fault we're here now.
24:23I don't think anyone quite appreciates the scale of what is happening here.
24:28It means that, of course, Bettina's apartment won't get decorated.
24:32It is the end of my career in interior design before it has even begun.
24:36Buildings everywhere might heave a sigh of relief.
24:40I don't know why I just don't sack you.
24:44Don't be silly, Mum.
24:45Where else are you going to find someone who makes doing nothing into an art form?
24:49I'm sorry.
24:49I had to say that.
24:51It's all right.
24:52I didn't quite understand what you meant.
24:58Is no-one going to speak to me?
25:02After all, I'll be the one who'll be going to prison.
25:04Well, at least you've got your table tennis practice in.
25:09I need to see my lawyer.
25:11I must be allowed to make that telephone call
25:12before my freedom is finally snatched away from me.
25:15That won't be necessary, Miss Stone.
25:17The white powder we found was a perfectly harmless, innocent substance.
25:21You're all free to go.
25:23I beg your pardon?
25:25You're free to go.
25:26Be a bit more careful next time.
25:29Just hang on there.
25:30The white powder...
25:31Do we test it?
25:32Come back here.
25:33I paid a huge amount of money for that stuff.
25:35Don't tell me it was...
25:36Tell me...