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00:01Once a year, the owner of the White Horse Bar would host a competition known as the Battle of the
00:08Bands.
00:09Give it up for Coastwide!
00:15And young musicians would come with their drums and guitars and dreams of stardom.
00:27This year, those young musicians were joined by a group of middle-aged men who came with their stiff joints
00:35and high cholesterol and dreams of being young again, if only for one night.
00:46God, look at those guys. They're so young. No wonder they went first. They probably have homework.
00:52You guys relax. Rock and Roll's not just for young people. Why are they so loud?
00:58Not helping, Carlos.
00:59They're really good and we're really old enough to be their fathers.
01:03Okay, we may look a little old up there and we may hit a few clams, but who cares? We're
01:07here to have fun.
01:08Yeah, tonight we're not a plumber and a masseur and a guy that makes pizzas. We're a rock and roll
01:13band. Right, Dave?
01:16Absolutely. Look, I gotta check with the guy who wouldn't like you, sir.
01:22Are you sure we're not gonna humiliate ourselves?
01:26I promise you, that'll be a night to remember.
01:28And it was...
01:34Mustang Sally
01:36Yes, you better slow your Mustang down
01:44In ways they could never have known.
01:50Mustang Sally
01:53Mustang Sally
01:54Oh my God!
01:55Fire!
02:07It's locked.
02:14The next morning, news of the tragedy began to spread.
02:20Along with rumors that the blaze had been set intentionally.
02:24It wasn't long before the police began using the word arson.
02:30And someone was taken into custody.
02:49Oh, look at my little girl. Isn't she adorable? Oh, I missed her so much.
02:54I can't wait to meet her.
02:55Oh, not yet. I want to give her new boyfriend the once-over.
02:58Wow! He's as cute as she said.
03:01Nice smile, and look at that hair.
03:04Don't you just want to run your fingers through it?
03:06Fortunately for you, no.
03:08You know, I'm very good at first impressions.
03:11I'm gonna like this guy.
03:16Why is the cab driver handing Julie's boyfriend money?
03:21Why is Julie's boyfriend getting back in the cab?
03:26And why is the middle-aged cab driver kissing Julie?
03:32I think what's going on here-
03:35I know what's going on. Let me enjoy my denial.
03:40Honey, I'm home! You wouldn't believe the traffic.
03:45Hello, Gabrielle.
03:46Virginia came by to say hello. Isn't that a nice surprise?
03:49I have news I wanted to share.
03:52You don't seem happy to see me.
03:54Well, maybe that's because the last time we spoke, you called me a greedy bitch and I called you a
03:58scary old hat.
04:00Weren't we a fine pair of hotheads?
04:02But what family doesn't have its squabbles?
04:05Family? Lady, you had Carlos fired!
04:07That was a terrible misunderstanding.
04:09And she straightened it out and I got my job back. Isn't that nice?
04:14Delightful. Now leave before there's a terrible misunderstanding between my foot and your ass!
04:20Gabby, can I see you in the kitchen? Now?
04:25Save your breath, Carlos. There is no way we're letting Grandma screw loose back into our lives.
04:30She put us in her will.
04:31Oh my God! That woman is crazy!
04:34Is she crazy or just desperately lonely?
04:36I don't care.
04:37All she wants is some human contact. To hang out with us on the occasional weekend. Maybe a holiday or
04:42two.
04:42Right. And in exchange, when she finally kicks a bucket, we wind up with a lamp.
04:45I'm sorry, Carlos.
04:46We're the sole heirs of her entire fortune.
04:53And her blood pressure is 220 over 90.
04:57Virginia! Why can't I stay mad at you?
05:04All right, then. We'll see you soon.
05:06The reporter's almost here. I am so nervous.
05:09Why? You've done lots of interviews.
05:11That was all local. This is the New York Dispatch. If this goes well, my cookbook could be on the
05:16front page of their weekend style section.
05:21Catherine, what did you do to your hair? I've never seen it look so thick and lustrous.
05:26I'm already planning to say nice things about you.
05:28Good. I can check that off my list.
05:31When's the reporter coming?
05:32Any minute.
05:33Oh my gosh, Andrew. Don't you look sharp today?
05:36Don't worry. I won't tell her I'm gay.
05:38Check and check.
05:39Mom, do you know anything about this reporter?
05:41Only that her name is Sandra Birch. We just spoke and she seemed very nice.
05:44She isn't. I went online and pulled a bunch of her articles and a lot of them are complete hatchet
05:49jobs.
05:49A deeper look suggests something darker, something more ominous.
05:52A woman whose perky surface conceals a deep, almost demonic thirst for power.
05:57Ooh. I doubt Betty White saw that coming.
06:00Mom, if this woman tanks you, it could kill sales of the book.
06:03You're gonna have to figure out a way to handle this.
06:05Knock, knock.
06:07I'm looking for Brie.
06:12You must be Sandra.
06:14What a sharp outfit.
06:17And look at that hair, so thick and lustrous.
06:29Um, Mom, you got a minute?
06:32I do.
06:34Why do I have a sense you're gonna take it away from me?
06:37Porter got Angeline pregnant.
06:42Mom, are you okay?
06:45Oh yeah, I'm great.
06:48That it?
06:49No, there's more.
06:51They're planning to run away.
06:54Okay.
06:55What are your minutes up?
06:59Aren't you gonna go talk to him?
07:03No, I have to talk to someone else first.
07:13Remember when you left that soda can on the coffee table and it left a ring and I yelled at
07:17you?
07:17Let me take it all back.
07:25And we always sell out, so I want the band there by six.
07:28Any questions?
07:29Sounds good.
07:30When are we on?
07:31Second.
07:32You got the primo spot as a favor to my wife.
07:35Since she rented you the space, she feels like part of the band.
07:37Well, rock on and chilling.
07:39If she requests Freebird, we're doing it.
07:42Hey, uh, Tom.
07:44I saw a porter at my house the other day.
07:47Oh.
07:48Yeah, he and Kirby were shooting hoops.
07:50I can't believe how big he's getting.
07:52Yeah.
07:54You grow up fast, huh?
07:56Yeah.
07:57A little too fast.
07:59Yeah.
08:08Uh, hey, Doc.
08:09I know I owe you a phone call.
08:10I'm gonna cut to the chase, Dave.
08:13Are you in Fairview?
08:15What?
08:17Where did that come from?
08:18Doesn't matter where it came from.
08:21Are you in Fairview?
08:24Look, I don't know what brought this on, but I'm really busy right now.
08:27I'll call you tomorrow, I promise.
08:28We can talk about it then.
08:30Okay?
08:31Bye.
08:35Excuse me.
08:37Could you tell me how to get to Wisteria Lane?
08:42So, there we were, huddled under this broken umbrella, and he just kissed me.
08:47It was so romantic.
08:48Aw.
08:49You're just skipping the part with one of the spokes.
08:51It got me in the eye.
08:54Julie, I'm gonna take your suitcases upstairs now, okay?
08:56Oh, I'll come with you.
08:57I need to check my email.
08:59Be right back.
09:08So, Susan, I'm, I'm sensing that, uh, you're a little freaked out about my age.
09:15You know, when your 24-year-old daughter calls you and tells you she's bringing home a boy from college,
09:19you sort of expect her to be, well, a boy.
09:23Oh.
09:25Well, I just want you to know that we didn't start dating until after the semester was over.
09:30I don't date students.
09:31That's, that's a rule with me.
09:32And a damn good one.
09:34Well, strictly speaking, I suppose my third wife was my teaching assistant, but she was really more of my employee
09:41than my student.
09:41Student.
09:42You're what?
09:44Student.
09:45Before that?
09:46Employee.
09:47Before that.
09:48Third wife?
09:49That's the one.
09:51So, you've been married three times?
09:54Didn't Julie tell you that?
09:55I don't believe so.
09:57Although, I may have blacked out after she told me you were 40.
10:01So, how does a man your age get married and divorced three times?
10:04Well, my first wife and I were only married a few months, so I almost don't like to count it.
10:08Did someone throw rice at you?
10:10Yeah.
10:11It counts.
10:12Is this upsetting you?
10:14I thought you'd understand.
10:15Julie said you've been divorced yourself.
10:17Yeah.
10:18Only twice.
10:19Two.
10:19Small number.
10:20Much smaller than three.
10:22And my first cheated on me, so that doesn't even count.
10:24Did someone throw rice at you?
10:25Shut up.
10:26Look, you and I both know that sometimes it just doesn't work out.
10:33Well, that's true.
10:35Besides, it's different with Julie.
10:37I love her so much.
10:39It's very important that you know I take my commitment seriously.
10:42Why?
10:46Oh my God.
10:47Boy, come here.
10:48I can't find my cell phone charger.
10:50Please, please.
10:51Don't say anything.
10:52I want it to be a surprise.
10:54Thanks.
10:56Mom.
11:02And this is my own little kitchen.
11:04I'm pretty sure my husband's here somewhere.
11:06Orson, dear.
11:07Are you decent?
11:08In here, love.
11:17Nice to meet you.
11:18I've had the most delightful time with your wife and stepson.
11:21Oh.
11:22Your home is stunning.
11:24Yeah.
11:24You cannot run a business and do all this, too.
11:27Tell me you have a housekeeper.
11:29Why would I pay someone to do work that gives me such joy?
11:33Now, who wants a little snack?
11:38Brie, the idea was for me to spend a typical day with you.
11:43So, this is legit?
11:45You're really this Donna Reed housewife from the 50s?
11:48You say that like it's a bad thing.
11:50I think that decade had a lot to recommend it.
11:52Mmm.
11:53People had values then.
11:54Values this family strives to uphold.
11:57But not everyone can keep a perfect house for a perfect family with perfect food and perfect flowers.
12:04Of course they can.
12:05If they read my book, that is.
12:08Okay.
12:09Truth be told, I'm far from perfect.
12:12Only yesterday, I burned a whole tray of biscotti.
12:17Wow.
12:18And I think I was worried about finding a lead.
12:23Andrew, please.
12:24The machine can get it.
12:25We never answer the phone while entertaining.
12:27So rude to one's guests.
12:29Now, um, may I pour you some more tea?
12:32This is Mr. Jones for Austin Hodge.
12:34Due to vacation schedules, I'll be filling in for your parole officer.
12:38Give me a call, please.
12:44So, Mr. Hodge, you've been to prison.
12:50Now can I be gay?
12:51Uh-huh.
12:57Kirby, is that you?
12:59I thought you went to the movies.
13:00Please.
13:06Are you really pregnant?
13:13Yes.
13:18A couple months back, Warren and I, we fought.
13:23What?
13:26I was pretty banged up and, and...
13:29Porter came by looking for Kirby and, and...
13:34He was so...
13:37kind and...
13:39and gentle.
13:40Don't!
13:41Don't try and justify this.
13:44This is sick.
13:45You are sick!
13:52Your son...
13:55loves me.
13:57And, and, and I love him.
14:01And, and, and you know what?
14:04I'm glad...
14:06I'm having Porter's baby.
14:09Mom.
14:12Damn.
14:15Not exactly what a husband wants to hear coming in the door.
14:20I suppose dinner's not ready either.
14:25Warren, I'm...
14:27sorry that...
14:31I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
14:35Don't go.
14:37I need to talk with my wife right now.
14:39Sorry for any pain this has caused your family, Mrs. Scott.
14:43Don't go.
15:00Damn it.
15:04You think you can humiliate me?
15:06You piece of...
15:08Get off of her! Get off of her! I'm calling the police!
15:10Stay out of this!
15:20Okay, well just so you know, I hit back.
15:24Call the police.
15:25I'd love to hear her explain her way out of statutory rape.
15:30You don't live here anymore.
15:31Go for...
15:34Oh, God!
15:39Oh, God.
15:41Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
15:45Oh, my God!
15:47Oh, thank you...
15:47for coming back.
15:55here we are boys are you psyched or what i feel like i'm gonna puke again
16:01hey hey you guys cold splash yes sir sir we're blue odyssey yeah i can see that
16:13uh so after the gig we're having a party at our manager's loft you guys should come
16:33absolutely
16:34why were you talking to that woman she just walked up and asked if we knew you
16:43wondered us to confirm a bunch of rumors what kind of rumors just stuff she'd heard around
16:49the neighborhood were you really a booze hound lee no i'm just saying i wish i'd have known
16:52you then we'd have been such good friends she seemed to know an awful lot about you keyword
16:58awful i cannot let this happen i have to find her well she's gonna be at the battle of the
17:03bands
17:03tonight why she wants to hear orson and i quote sing harmony with the guy he tried to kill
17:10oh dear god this woman is determined to make my life sound ten times worse than it actually is
17:15so is your first husband really into s&m hookers
17:22and you wonder why we're never invited anywhere
17:27okay girls mommy's leaving they love you i'm planning on having a massive hangover tomorrow so
17:32keep the girls up late so we can all sleep in
17:43my don't you look festive
17:46virginia what are you doing here what do you mean we're going to watch carlos's band play
17:52you invited me this morning remember
17:55no uh what i remember was you asking me to the movies tonight
17:59and me saying i couldn't because i was going to watch carlos's band play
18:04that invitation out of that yeah i'm here now dear and i have this lovely limo so come on we'll
18:09ride over to the club and style oh well here's the thing i'm supposed to go with my girlfriends
18:14gabby please i was so looking forward to this don't make me go all alone
18:22well i guess we're all going to the same place i'll just see my friends there oh goody
18:32where's anne oh she's asleep she's fine what happened i went over to talk to anne about recent
18:37developments you went to her house yes i did porter i had to talk to anne i didn't know that
18:42her
18:43husband was there and he overheard us and
18:47the doctors say she's gonna be fine porter where are you going damn it
18:57tonic water bourbon ketchup this is your grocery list there's gotta be something else on dave's
19:02phone bill that will help us uh there isn't oh don't get broccoli it is not your friend
19:08you're telling me that you cross-checked all those other numbers and there was nothing squat
19:13the key is this doctor guy yeah maybe we should just fight the bullet and go to boston yeah maybe
19:19we could get more out of them face to face
19:31hey you want to go to a rock show tonight me with you well i'm a little out of your
19:36league
19:37but if it'll get you there sure i don't think i can but thanks here
19:43case you change your mind
19:58and then i noticed that maria's pockets were stuffed with silverware i'm telling you it's impossible to
20:03my good health these days well you'll know soon enough when my cholesterol finally gets the better
20:09of me don't talk like that you want a cheeseburger or something
20:18that has got to stop i'm gonna do something why julie's a grown woman uh-huh she's a grown woman
20:25with
20:25stars in her eyes who's in love with a three-time loser
20:29if she wants to accept his proposal that's her business but in the meantime you're not going to
20:35ruin his surprise aren't i no aren't i no
20:45you're right i'll stay out of it
20:54oh now where is the little girl's room
20:59hey why did that guy hand you a cd your name isn't julie is it no why well there's a
21:04song in
21:04there he wants me to play i guess he's going to propose to his girlfriend or something tonight
21:09isn't that lovely
21:31hey you two what's going on um nothing what's going on with you
21:37oh i just love this song and jackson doesn't like to dance so
21:45is this fun it was oh it reminds me of being young and single oh i wish i'd never given
21:53up that
21:53listen i don't want to uh sound rude or anything but this is really a moment that's meant for two
22:00right right you mind easing away so i can dance with my daughter
22:09hmm susan what are you doing i'm just moving to the music yeah
22:16you're coming with me uh no no no no no no no no no no all right but no matter
22:22what he asks you
22:23promise me you'll say no susan lloyd i'm sorry i can't help it i don't want my daughter to be
22:29someone's fourth wife wife were you gonna ask me to marry you oh uh were we not clear on that
22:35by now
22:36you can't be serious we've only been dating three months yes i know but i have such a good feeling
22:41about us but better feelings than you had about wives one two and three mom
22:46you are very sweet but i'm not getting married never ever what do you mean ever we'll talk
22:54about this later i just really need a moment to myself
23:07thank you
23:11free darling spare me your darling sandra i know you've been trying to dig up dirt on me
23:17just doing my job and frankly i didn't have to dig all that hard i wrote a cookbook sandra meatloaf
23:25hot pies peach cobbler why are you trying to crucify me because it's not a cookbook brie
23:31it's a look how great i am book one designed to make every woman who reads it feel like a
23:36failure
23:37if she doesn't measure up what you're selling is a total sham but it isn't sandra because i don't
23:44think i'm great i have fallen down more times than i can count just like so many other housewives
23:51out there we're all just barely holding on and we all think that we're alone so maybe you're right
23:57maybe it isn't a cookbook it's a lifeline from me to those other women because i want them to know
24:02there's always a chance to get something right even if it's just a casserole
24:11then why didn't you just tell me that right up front brie
24:16that's an angle i can work with
24:20i got some good news today i've been speaking with the headmaster at greenbriar country day
24:24school and i got them to reserve two spots for the girls they start next term
24:28well thanks but the girls already have a school oh yes i know a public school this is a good
24:33school
24:33virginia they're happy where they are they love fairview besides greenbriar is like an hour away
24:38so i'll get them a driver that would be a real treat for them no i want them to be
24:42close by
24:43they could need me during the school day get sick or something oh that's what school nurses are for
24:48dear this is a decision i feel very strongly about i'm afraid i have to insist
24:54excuse me you don't get to insist on anything when it comes to my daughters
24:58i think given the extent of my investment in this family i should have some say
25:02i'll just give you some time to think about it i don't need any time to think about it keep
25:07your
25:07money now you're being reckless you know something i like money i like it a lot and a couple years
25:14ago
25:14you could have bought me with that big fortune of yours but i'm a mom now and i make the
25:19decisions for
25:20my kids and that is something that cannot be bought kathy i can make a decision too i can call
25:25my lawyer tomorrow morning and take you out of my will and that is your right as a crazy old
25:29rich lady
25:43thank you
25:46screening your calls now dave
25:55let me guess let me guess you can explain everything
26:11i'm really really sorry doc you changed your name and didn't tell me you're living in fairview
26:20the one place you swore you wouldn't go i didn't change my name to be deceptive
26:27i just wanted a fresh start fairview is not a fresh start for you my wife edie
26:31she's from here and she really wanted to move back and i said okay did you tell her your history
26:39did you tell her why it's not healthy or safe for you to be here she knows everything
26:49and i'm in a really good place right now but can we talk about this after the show these guys
26:58they're my friends and they're depending on me
27:05the moment you're finished playing
27:13let's start this year's battle of the bands with our first group give it up for colesflat
27:31spare me the apology for butting into my life for the millionth time
27:35what is this about you never getting married why would i if there's one thing i've learned from
27:40your experience marriage is a joke hey i believe in marriage why first there was dad who left you
27:47for his secretary and then mike he was the love of your life and it still went to hell i
27:52mean honestly
27:54just tell me what the upside is oh julia way too young to be this i am not cynical
28:01i'm realistic i'm just trying to protect myself well putting a wall around your heart doesn't protect
28:12you it just keeps people out i learned that the hard way now with jackson i remember that i like
28:22feeling
28:22hopeful i like believing in happily ever after i really wish that you felt that way too
28:44sorry about the tip but i just lost 50 million dollars
28:52gabby have you seen porter no i haven't why is he supposed to be here
28:55no so if you see him please tell me
29:15yeah come on tonight we're not a plumber and a masseur and a guy that makes pizzas we're a rock
29:20and roll band
29:25absolutely look i'm gonna check with the guy and book like yous hey doc he's in your band
29:34oh i know it sounds crazy but we've worked through everything it's cool no this is too dangerous i need
29:42to speak to him right now doc you just have to trust me on this one okay now dave i
29:47speak to him right now
29:50i don't know what i call the police
29:57okay you win come on
30:05i hope you realize i'm only doing this because i want to help you i genuinely care about you dave
30:16i know you do dr heller
30:20and i like you
30:27actually i like you a lot
30:32so
30:34uh
30:57I'm sorry.
31:16I know this is going to sound crazy, but I can actually smell our fear.
31:21If I could see where the exits are, I'd run for them.
31:23I can't believe we let Dave talk us into this.
31:26By the way, where is Dave?
31:43Hey, Jackson, where are you going?
31:44Guys, you're about to turn.
31:45Bathroom.
31:45Back in a sec.
31:46Oh, the men's room's packed, but there's an employee bathroom back there.
32:05Hey, Dave, is that the bathroom?
32:07No, I think that's in there.
32:09Oh, okay.
32:09Thanks.
32:19We're up.
32:20Where the hell is Dave?
32:21Sorry.
32:21We thought you ditched us.
32:23Where were you?
32:23Need a little liquid courage.
32:24Come on, boys, let's do it.
32:27Okay, ladies and gentlemen, D, panel of the bands is back.
32:30So please give a big welcome to Blue Odyssey.
32:51Hey, Warren.
32:52Yeah?
32:56Get up, you little bastard.
32:59Don't you touch him.
33:01Don't you touch him.
33:02Go home now.
33:02I know what you did to Anne.
33:03You better listen to your mommy, little boy.
33:05Go home.
33:06You're dead.
33:07I don't care what it takes.
33:08You're dead.
33:08Stop it.
33:09Go home.
33:10Go home.
33:10Go home.
33:10You can run out of the town.
33:14Hitting women and children?
33:17You must be so proud.
33:21Lock that door.
33:22You can run out of the town.
33:28What were you thinking?
33:29You could have gotten hurt in there.
33:31You are responsible for this.
33:32Whatever happens is your fault.
33:56Oh, my God!
34:00Fire!
34:01Fire!
34:07What's happening?
34:28Jackson! He's in the bathroom!
34:30Oh, there's an exit there!
34:31He'll get out! Come on, we have to go now!
34:41Hey! Hey, open up!
34:50Daddy! Your friend!
34:53Hey!
34:54I can't!
34:55I can't!
34:56I can't!
34:57I can't!
34:57I can't!
34:59Come on!
34:59Come on!
35:01Let's get you ready!
35:02Let's go!
35:05Hey, since I'm saving your life and all, you wanna think about maybe keeping us in your will?
35:08What?
35:09No.
35:11Eh, it's worth a shot.
35:17The clock!
35:18Look out!
35:20Oh!
35:21Oh!
35:26Come on!
35:27No, I gotta make sure everyone gets out of here.
35:29Go!
35:29Go!
35:34Don't push!
35:35One at a time!
35:36Jackson!
35:37Jackson!
35:38Jackson!
35:38Hey, what are you doing?
35:39Get the hell out of here!
35:40Jackson!
35:40He's still in here!
35:41He's in the bathroom!
35:42I'll get him!
35:43Go!
35:43Just go!
35:43Mike!
35:45Get out!
35:45Go!
35:51Jackson!
35:54Jackson!
35:55Jackson!
36:34Thank God!
36:36Where's Mike?
36:37I don't know.
36:38I didn't see him.
36:40Did he still in there?
36:41Yeah, he went in to find you.
36:43Hey, Mike?
36:43Mike!
36:44Mike's still in there?
36:46Dave!
36:46No!
36:52Mike!
36:53Mike!
37:00What's that?
37:01Werner!
37:01I told you to go home!
37:02What are you doing here?
37:03You son of a bitch!
37:04You did this!
37:05What are you talking about?
37:06Stay away from my kids!
37:07Your kid burned down my club!
37:14Susan!
37:15Do you think he's still in there?
37:17I didn't see him.
37:21Look, my husband's still inside!
37:22You've gotta go back in there!
37:24I'm sorry!
37:24That roof is about to collapse!
37:25Now please get back!
37:29Someone's coming!
37:42Hang in there.
37:43I'm not done with you yet.
37:49There was a fire last night in Fairview.
37:52If you open up your morning paper,
37:55you can read about
37:56those who survived
37:59and those who were injured.
38:04Those who barely escaped with their lives
38:09and those who didn't.
38:13You can also read about
38:15a man who risked his life
38:17to rescue his neighbor.
38:20What you won't read about
38:22are the reasons for this bravery.
38:25You're the one who pulled that guy out of the fire.
38:27Can I interview you?
38:28And that's because
38:30no one ever doubts
38:32a hero.
38:33Do not take off the fire.
38:33So you're on.
38:35Do not get off the fire.
38:35Do not take off the fire.