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Taskmaster AU S03E05

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00:01Nooooo!
00:13Please leave it!
00:27Is this good television?
00:38Hello and welcome to Taskmaster Australia.
00:41My name is Tom Gleeson and I am the Taskmaster.
00:49Tonight, five Australian comedians' collective self-worth will be poured into a blender and
00:54served up as a protein supplement for the depraved audience of you at home.
01:00What does the winner win?
01:01This, the official Taskmaster trophy, which is a gold sculpture that contains the most
01:06superior mind in this room.
01:08Mine.
01:12The five comedians who we pulled out of the gloop they call their lives are Aaron Chen,
01:19Conchetta Caristo, Mel Buttle, Peter Hellyer, and Big Reece Nicholton.
01:32Last, and yes least, this is a guy whose favourite streaming service is the muddy puddles of water
01:39he spends hours staring at his own reflection in.
01:42It's Tom Cashman.
01:48G'day Tom, I feel like you're building up a small fan base there.
01:51Oh, thank you.
01:53Speaking of small, do you like my tattoo?
01:55Oh.
01:56What, you got a tattoo on your face?
01:58Yeah, I've got a face tattoo.
01:59Do you like it?
01:59It can be a career-limiting move.
02:02Because you know how some tough guys in prison, they get a tattoo of a tear drop to commemorate
02:07a time that they killed someone?
02:08Yeah.
02:09I've got a tattoo of a murder to commemorate a time that I cried.
02:17All right, Lester Tom, let's rip.
02:20Are you happy with this, just staying here the whole show?
02:22Yeah.
02:24Because I know in a meeting earlier, you said you wanted to remove it.
02:30So, uh, you know, if you turn up to work doing comedy with props, deal with it, buddy.
02:36But we agreed we'd remove it.
02:38No, no, no.
02:39You're staying.
02:40No, you can go.
02:41Go and get your stupid tattoo off.
02:48Oh, man.
02:49He comes up with this dumb gag and then he's like, but I want it off, okay, right.
02:54All right, you happy now?
02:56Yeah.
02:56Yeah.
02:58Well, let's rip into it.
02:59Well, we're starting off with a prize task.
03:01And tonight, our contestants have been asked to bring in the thing that you're most glad
03:05can't talk.
03:07Oh.
03:07Okay.
03:08What have you brought in, Mel?
03:09I have brought in my Bachelor of Contemporary Performance, not completed, um, drama reflection
03:18journal.
03:21Oh.
03:24So I'm thinking you reading it would be quite painful, but you're saying if it could
03:28say those thoughts, it would be even worse.
03:30Yeah, it would be very bad if production had a photo of that open and everyone at home
03:34could see the words pertain to...
03:36Oh, no!
03:39What a disaster.
03:41Worst bit, I was starting to judge myself, so I took a risk by putting the energy ball in
03:45my bum.
03:45One.
03:48Anyway, whatever.
03:49I didn't get a very good mark for that, but no one in my class is on Taskmaster, just me,
03:53so...
03:57Alright, uh, Rhys, what did you bring in that you wouldn't like to talk?
04:01I...
04:02I came up with this lady.
04:04Oh.
04:06Hello.
04:07This is my dog, Hopkins, and I'm glad she can't talk, cause she has seen some shit.
04:14Uh, okay, like what?
04:17Well, I mean, let's be honest, sex is one of them.
04:19Uh, you know, your pet sees you having sex and you're like, oh, they don't know what
04:24we're doing.
04:25They 100% do.
04:27Every time those videos come out of the dogs, like, pressing buttons that, like, translate
04:31to things, I'm like, we can't show her that.
04:33She can't be like, help, help, leave, leave, danger, danger.
04:38Top, bottom, verse.
04:44Uh, Conchetta, what did you bring in?
04:46I've brought in a really, really well-used specimen jar.
04:52Oh.
04:54What does well-used mean?
04:56Uh, it was used by you and some other people?
04:58Not me.
04:59Oh.
05:00The jar!
05:01Oh, got it.
05:01Imagine if the jar could speak, you'd be like, oh, not this again.
05:05No.
05:05Oh, everyone's sick, it's sloppy, it's over the edges.
05:10So it's like, really stressed.
05:13And it's like, you've given me a break, I want to go on holiday.
05:17My God, he's getting shouted.
05:20Okay.
05:22Uh, Aaron, what did you bring in?
05:24Uh, me, I've brought in a mime.
05:32Um, I'm glad that mimes can't talk because, um, first off, it would ruin their act.
05:38Um.
05:38Yeah.
05:39Because it's so funny what these guys do.
05:41They can, like, just make like a box and then go into it.
05:45Yeah.
05:46And you don't even need words and that's why it's funny.
05:49Hang on, you brought in Mr Bean's box set earlier, didn't you?
05:52Yeah.
05:53There's a theme emerging here.
05:56Because I feel like you're mocking their humour, but secretly, you love it.
06:00Because it's, because it's a bit basic, isn't it, Aaron?
06:03Well, I just can understand it.
06:05And, um, the second reason I'm glad mimes can't talk is that I've actually found out that they have some
06:14pretty bad opinions.
06:18Take, take a look.
06:20Uh, women should not be allowed to vote.
06:27Wow.
06:31Alright, so finally, Peter, what did you bring in?
06:34I brought in, um, my gym clothes that I take on holiday.
06:41Because they would say, why do you f***ing bother?
06:48I, I get excited.
06:50You're going to the Gold Coast.
06:52We're there day one, you don't exercise.
06:54I'm like, okay, it's day one.
06:55Nobody exercises on day one.
06:57Maybe day two.
06:58Nothing on day two.
07:00By day four, day five, we know we're not coming out of the suitcase.
07:05Well, you know, we were on holidays recently together, Pete.
07:08And I can say, I've never seen these clothes before in my life.
07:12So I can confirm that that is true.
07:14And I feel like you probably bought them just for this.
07:17And maybe you don't own them at all.
07:20I've never seen these clothes in my life.
07:24Alright, well I guess I should store this.
07:27I'm not worried about the specimen jar, because it can be put in a dishwasher.
07:30Okay.
07:30And I feel like that would also erase its memory.
07:32So I'm going to give Conchetta one.
07:34I'm going to give Rhys two.
07:36Ah.
07:36Well, I'm just worried that if I buy into the idea that everything your dog has seen
07:40is disgusting or anything like that, then I feel a bit homophobic.
07:43Yeah, yeah.
07:44So.
07:45Alright, I've read your blog.
07:46Um.
07:49I'm going to give Mel three points.
07:51Just that small sample seemed horrific.
07:54And I'm going to give Aaron four points, because I just don't like mimes as well.
08:00And for five points, because I know the story's true, I'm going to give it to Pete
08:04for his exercise clothes that have never been used.
08:10Alright, let's get into our first task.
08:12Here's a task our contestants took to like ducks to thawed ice
08:16that's been frozen and then thawed again.
08:35Hello.
08:37Hey Tom.
08:38Welcome to the dock.
08:39Hi Tom.
08:40Hi Rose.
08:41I love ducks.
08:42I love ducks.
08:43You like ducks?
08:43Yeah.
08:44I think they're my spirit animal.
08:45You're a duck fan?
08:47Yeah.
08:47I'm a tattoo on my arm of a duck.
08:49And also I love how they walk.
08:52Like that.
08:53Okay.
08:54What's this then?
08:55It's a task.
08:56I reckon it's duck related.
08:59All right.
09:00Find the quack.
09:02One of these ducks has been giving out...
09:05That's a tricky word.
09:07Thub...
09:08Thub...
09:10Unsubstantiated medical advice.
09:12What does that mean?
09:13Unsubstantiated medical advice.
09:15It's medical advice with no substance.
09:17The advice is to deliver the quack to Tom wins.
09:20Your time starts now.
09:22So one of these is quacking?
09:24No.
09:24One of these ducks is giving out unsubstantiated medical advice.
09:27I get it.
09:27Like a quack, right?
09:29No, no, no.
09:30This duck is giving out unsubstantiated medical advice.
09:33I think I'm having an aneurysm.
09:40So who are we going to see first in this little duck hunt?
09:42It's time to send these good eggs off to the bad doctor.
09:45It's Mel and Rhys.
09:47All right.
09:47Well, I guess I'm going to get in there, right?
09:48Push me free.
09:50I love you.
09:51Goodbye.
09:52You've never rode before?
09:53I've never rode before.
09:54You used to row in school.
09:55Yes, I'm very good.
09:58I can hear something.
10:00I think I can hear something, Tom.
10:02What can you hear?
10:03Some talking.
10:04Is it unsubstantiated medical advice?
10:06Well, if you shut up for a minute, maybe I'll know.
10:08Okay.
10:08I think it's this one.
10:10Let me just get him.
10:16Careful.
10:16Careful.
10:18With me, you don't need a second.
10:20It's you.
10:21I don't need to look at you or do any tests.
10:24Now, guys, absolutely spouting rubbish.
10:29I'm coming, Tom.
10:31Other than this being quite stressful, it's also quite lovely.
10:34That's not it.
10:35We're going to deliver it too.
10:37I'm going to need you to sign.
10:37What's in the medicine?
10:38That's none of your business.
10:40I have a special.
10:41I can fix you up in another time.
10:44Where are you going?
10:45I'm off.
10:46Oh.
10:47Bye.
10:47Bye.
10:53Okay.
10:54So, Rhys, can you give us a sense of what it was like there?
10:57Because I feel like it might have given the impression that it was actually quite easy to hear them, but
11:01the quacks were really loud.
11:02There was a lot of quacking.
11:04If you don't know what, you're quite stressed about the rowing and then you're scared you're going to fall in
11:08and then, I should say, they told us, do not get in the water.
11:12It is full of E. coli.
11:15It is not full of E. coli.
11:18It's E. coli levels are above safe levels of E. coli.
11:22Well, I would say, compared to no E. coli, that is up to pussy's bow with E. coli.
11:28I wasn't afraid of the water until I got into it and then the next day I did 16 poos
11:33on set.
11:35I feel like you're at an advantage, Mel, because you are very good at rowing.
11:39We've seen that already.
11:40Did that help?
11:41No way.
11:42No.
11:43All of the ducks are making noise.
11:46He's like, yeah, all the information you need is in the task.
11:48It's actually not.
11:50If all the information you needed was in the task, the card would say, it's that brown duck over there
11:54on the right-hand side.
11:55So just quickly, what was the medical advice being handed out by the duck?
11:59I couldn't hear what Pete Evans was saying in the recording.
12:04I'm not sure.
12:05Alright, can you give us some scores so far?
12:07I sure can.
12:08So Mel, our champion rower from high school, took 11 minutes and 50 seconds to find the quack.
12:13Under 12.
12:14We did it.
12:16Reece, no experience with rowing previously, 4 minutes and 50 seconds.
12:20Okay.
12:22It's time for an ad break.
12:24We'll be back with more Taskmaster after this.
12:36Welcome back to Taskmaster where five comedians are currently competing to win Reece Nicholson's thousand-yard staring pet dog.
12:44Where are we up to, Lester Tom?
12:46Our contestants are trying to find a duck that is giving out unsubstantiated medical advice.
12:50So far, Reece and Mel have done very well to ignore the quacking, to find the quack.
12:55Next up, it's two guys I tried to avoid being downstream from, given their easy-come, easy-go attitude to
13:01aqua deposits.
13:02It's Aaron and Pete.
13:04Do I need that red?
13:05Oh, it's up to you.
13:06Yep.
13:06Okay.
13:07So I got a...
13:10Community duck door.
13:12What's going on?
13:13So it's the duck that looks like this one, which is that duck.
13:18Have you rowed before?
13:19Yeah.
13:20National champion.
13:21Oh.
13:24Am I supposed to row backwards?
13:26A little bit of forward momentum there.
13:27What?
13:28You're on your way.
13:28There we go.
13:30It's either that one, or that one.
13:33I said it'd be going exactly where the ducks are.
13:39Is that duck giving out unsubstantiated medical advice?
13:42I don't know what that means, Tom.
13:45Oh, I hear something.
13:47In the photo, it's got a brown body.
13:49Oh, right.
13:51This one got it.
13:52Body got it.
13:56Is that duck giving out unsubstantiated medical advice?
13:58Yeah, it's giving bad, really dodgy advice.
14:01Like what?
14:01Saying that the vaccine is real.
14:03Oh, wow.
14:04Come on.
14:05Stand back.
14:07Okay.
14:15It's right there.
14:16There.
14:17There you go, Tom.
14:18Get rid of that duck.
14:25What's that?
14:25His business card.
14:28We're eating that duck tonight.
14:29Oh, okay.
14:30You and me.
14:36So, Aaron, when you said that bad medical advice was saying the vaccine is real, was that a shout out
14:41to all your freedom-loving fans?
14:44If you guys are out there, keep it up.
14:46We're going to win this fight.
14:53It works on so many levels, because I suspect they don't understand irony.
14:56So I'd be like, yeah!
14:59Finally!
15:00So I'm winning with both.
15:01Like the people who think it's irony, they're like, oh, he's being funny.
15:04And then the people who hate vaccines, they're like, yeah, my man.
15:10Yeah, you just said what I said, but it was a bit longer.
15:15It helps me understand what you're saying.
15:18Sometimes your act is just like you're explaining it to yourself, isn't it?
15:22And what you're saying is that, like, I talk to myself.
15:30So, Pete, for someone who looks like an old salty sea dog, you didn't seem that comfortable in a boat.
15:35Is that how it came across to you?
15:36Yeah.
15:37I'm surprised, because the audience would disagree, yet they're nodding their heads.
15:42Now, I can't just leave this unsaid.
15:43Everyone knows about your business card collection now.
15:46How did you feel about that business card disrespect?
15:49I don't know if I could ever forgive Pete for ripping up a business card in front of me like
15:53that.
15:54It was a business card of a dodgy doctor.
15:57Don't shoot the messenger, Pete.
15:59I would like to confirm that that was a clue, then let's just say that clue was my idea.
16:05Can I just say that finding that clue, I thought like, oh, I've won this.
16:11The clue did not seem to help you in the slightest.
16:14All right, what are the stats?
16:15Aaron took 12 minutes and 4 seconds.
16:19And Pete, 7 minutes and 11 seconds in second place.
16:23Okay.
16:25Well, I can't help but notice Conchetta has been singled out here.
16:28Any particular reason?
16:29I couldn't possibly say, but let's see, it's Conchetta Christo.
16:32What am I supposed to do?
16:35Duckies!
16:37Oh, come on, mate.
16:40How do you even do this bullsh-
16:42Oh, f**k!
16:43Now I'm that way.
16:44No, go this way.
16:46Oh, no!
16:47No!
16:50Oh, shit!
16:53Are any of them giving out unsubstantiated medical advice?
16:56I can't hear you and I kind of like it that way.
16:58Yeah, fair enough.
16:59F**k you!
17:01Stupid piece of shit.
17:02Can't hear shit.
17:03Can't move for shit.
17:04Is this a time pass song?
17:06Pass this wins.
17:08I think I'm going to be in here forever.
17:11Come on.
17:12Not this again.
17:15Shit.
17:17Are you meaning to spin round?
17:19Huh?
17:19No!
17:21Oh, brother.
17:22What?
17:23Oh, my God!
17:25I'm having the worst time.
17:28You stupid s**t ducks.
17:30Now I'm going to hate ducks because of this.
17:33Which one of you stupid s**t is speaking?
17:38I think I hear something.
17:41Why is this so hard?
17:42Oh, my God!
17:44I can't hear it anymore.
17:46Oh.
18:03Say no more.
18:05It's your f**king voice, isn't it?
18:07I can't hear it anymore.
18:08I can't hear it anymore.
18:10I'm going to need you to sign this extremely long-
18:13Who's next to me the whole time?
18:15Oh!
18:17Is there a rule about throwing it at you?
18:22I'm going away from you!
18:24Oh, no!
18:25Don't!
18:26S**t!
18:26Careful.
18:27Oh, God!
18:28It's a scam of all the evil things.
18:31What evil things would be done?
18:33I haven't.
18:34I'm not evil.
18:35Please don't log in on that.
18:38Oh!
18:40This is a bad dream.
18:49Okay, I need to go.
18:51Thanks, Conchetta.
18:51Thanks, Tom.
18:56I mean...
18:59Conchetta, that's you doing what you do well.
19:01Taking a very straightforward task and making it more complicated.
19:05Tom, like, I truly, and you know this, Tom, I had a breakdown out there.
19:11I didn't know how to throw.
19:13I couldn't hear Tom.
19:15I couldn't hear the duck.
19:16I was, like, freaking out.
19:18And then I threw it and it fell and, like, even now I'm not being funny.
19:22I'm scared.
19:24Okay.
19:25You briefly mentioned you've done a few evil things in your life.
19:29I feel like we need to know what they are.
19:30No, I regret that.
19:31I didn't mean it.
19:32I was hysterical.
19:35It's often in those moments that the truth comes out.
19:37Yeah.
19:38So can we have the truth?
19:41I started a war.
19:45Wow.
19:45I was inspired by Pol Pot.
19:49Wow.
19:51That is extreme.
19:54So how long did that take?
19:55I think we're dying to know.
19:56Conchetta's time was 27 minutes and 47 seconds.
20:05So Conchetta obviously gets one point.
20:07Then we've got Aaron with two.
20:08Mel with three.
20:09Pete with four.
20:10And Reece never rode before Nicholson takes five points.
20:13Whoa.
20:14Okay.
20:15And what happens when we add those scores to the ones we had before?
20:20Well, Aaron, Mel, Reece and Conchetta are the trailers,
20:22but turn off your phone for Pete.
20:24He's the main movie on nine points.
20:27All right, Lessa Tom.
20:28You got another task for us?
20:30I do.
20:31And don't worry, Tom.
20:32I wasn't agreeing to marry you when I said I do.
20:35I was just answering your work-related question.
20:38As agreed.
20:39Anyway, I wish I hadn't said any of that.
20:41Here's the task.
20:56Hello.
20:57Hi, Aaron.
20:58Ooh.
21:02What on earth is this contraption?
21:04I certainly don't recognise it from my childhood.
21:06Ah, no beta machine, is it?
21:08VCR?
21:09VCR, yeah.
21:16Hi, Conchetta.
21:17Hi, Tom.
21:20Teach the taskmaster to do something he can't already do.
21:24With an instructional video.
21:26The instructional video that teaches the taskmaster most wins.
21:30Your 45 minutes.
21:31Your time starts now.
21:34He's actually reasonably good at life, and the infuriating thing is he knows it.
21:45So, what are we looking at?
21:46We've got a lesson here for each of them?
21:48That they need to teach me something that I don't already know.
21:50That's right.
21:51Well, there's heaps I already know, so...
21:52This is an extremely difficult task.
21:55Here, with some handy hints for your next work-do, it's Mel Buttle.
21:59Do you know anything that he can't do?
22:01I cannot think of a single thing the taskmaster cannot do.
22:04I can.
22:06What?
22:06Attend a work event without drinking.
22:14Hello, my name's Virginia Hampenstall.
22:16I've got a Bachelor of Marketing.
22:18I'm a PE teacher.
22:19And also, I teach people how to say no to having a wine at work functions.
22:24It's easier than you think.
22:26Here's a clue.
22:27You can always just say no, verbally.
22:30Would you like a wine?
22:30No!
22:31He doesn't want one.
22:33Baby, go non-verbal.
22:34Surprise me with a gesture.
22:35Can I give you a wine there?
22:36Oh!
22:38He's milking cows on the way home and won't have time to be drunk.
22:42Perhaps you're somewhere swanky for work,
22:44and you want to show that you've travelled around the world.
22:46Maybe say no in a different language.
22:48Can I get you a wine?
22:49Nine!
22:51Bitter Sherman.
22:52Perhaps make up an excuse.
22:55Would you like a wine?
22:56I have Hepatitis C.
22:58Ooh!
22:58One more tip that I like to impart with people who need to learn
23:02to not have a wine at a work function.
23:04Just get rid of the wine.
23:06Destroy it all.
23:07Tip it down the sink.
23:08Would you like to...
23:09Oh!
23:09Oh dear!
23:10Oh!
23:12He's done it!
23:13No more wine.
23:15Say no to wine.
23:18Do you like a wine?
23:19No!
23:21Sounds like he means it.
23:26Alright Mel, we've been at a few work functions together
23:29and I would say we kept pace when we were drinking.
23:33In fact, many times I was following your lead Mel.
23:36This video, Tom, and I thank you for the opportunity to make it, was a chance to say,
23:41Hey Mel, why don't you pull it back to a reasonable level where Tom drinks
23:45and just have 16 to 21 drinks at an event.
23:50Your techniques were to say no, say no non-verbally, say no in another language, and also just to tip
23:57it down the sink.
23:57Have you ever tried that technique at a function?
24:00I've tried it in my own home with my parents.
24:06How much trauma do we do on this show? I don't know.
24:10Keep the trauma at a level that we don't have to give out the lifeline number, okay?
24:15Everyone's just trying to enjoy themselves.
24:17Note taken.
24:18Okay.
24:19Well, let's take a little break and maybe have a drinky poo. We'll be back soon.
24:33Welcome back to Taskmaster. Put down the bottle, you've got a problem.
24:37Where are we, Tom?
24:39Our contestants are making instructional videos to teach you, the Taskmaster, something.
24:43Next up, it's Conchetta Caristo.
24:46Hi, Taskmaster, and welcome to my channel.
24:48Today, we're going to be doing the coolest, sickest look ever, me.
24:52Today, my model, his name is Tomothy Cashman.
24:55Tom, how are you feeling?
24:56I'm feeling good.
24:57Let's get this blank, dull as F canvas looking into a beautiful beat face.
25:03We need to have, like, a base. Get the lightest color and just put it on the base.
25:07You're trying to, like, get rid of the grease, which let me tell you Tom has a lot of.
25:11Also, it means the colors on top are going to freaking pop.
25:14And then all you want to do is you just want to get, like, a darker color.
25:18You go to the corner of the eye.
25:19Yes, queen.
25:20And that just, like, elongates the eye.
25:22Next, now we want to beat the freaking face.
25:24Let's start with contour.
25:25Yes, keep pouting, honey, yes.
25:27Next, we want blush.
25:28This is, like, on the cheek.
25:29Oh, my God, you look so cute.
25:32Mascara.
25:32Literally, you never go anywhere without mascara because it's so, like, it's so slutty.
25:38Yes, that looks hot.
25:41Okay, open.
25:43Whoa!
25:45The camera guys all just got hard at the same time.
25:49That means we're on the right track.
25:52In an ideal world, we would have exfoliated Tom's dry, crusty lips, but we don't have to.
26:01And there you have it.
26:02This is how you go from looking drab to fab in a really simple, easy makeup tutorial.
26:07Good luck.
26:08See you.
26:14Well, Conchetta, I think you've done well there because you certainly have taught me a lot.
26:17I did learn about Lesser Tom's crusty lips.
26:20I didn't...
26:20I wasn't aware of that.
26:22Don't always lick them, it makes it worse.
26:25Like, it reminded me of those videos I scroll past on Instagram.
26:28Do you watch those videos?
26:29Mm-mm, yep.
26:30Okay.
26:31That's the quintessential, like, YouTube girly.
26:33It's, like, a 20-minute video and, like, it's full of personality.
26:37And I tried to just keep it real.
26:39And fun.
26:40Okay.
26:41Well, it was all new to me, so that was good.
26:43And also, I'm really proud of the fact that I got away with saying that I was scrolling on Instagram.
26:47And I've not done that either.
26:50Can you imagine me?
26:51I look like I was...
26:53I like...
26:54What?
26:55Alright, which of these gurus am I going to be forced to hear from next?
26:59Here with some insights from the very important world of business, it's Aaron Chen.
27:04Hello.
27:05I'm playing you, Tom Gleeson.
27:07The Taskmaster.
27:08And I'm going to teach you how to negotiate in business and get to the next level with your finances.
27:15You're already doing pretty well, but I'm going to help you add a couple of zeros to whatever you're making
27:20now.
27:21And the way to do it is through children's books.
27:24You don't have any of your own, but Peter Hellyer does.
27:27And we're going to teach you how to acquire the rights.
27:40So I'm teaching you how to negotiate.
27:43Always know the numbers.
27:45Never go beyond your asking price.
27:47You brought an entourage.
27:49Real classy, Pete.
27:50The whole cast of the Project Carrie, Hamish McDonald, Sam Taunton.
27:55Now let's get into business.
27:56What have we got, Tom?
27:57We've got Frankie Fisherman Crabb tripping with kids.
27:59We want the whole suite.
28:00And we can give you four marshmallows.
28:06What do you mean?
28:07You're an asshole.
28:09I can't believe it.
28:10Fine, Pete.
28:11Five marshmallows.
28:13That's my final offer.
28:14You can take that to Cancun and make it look like Waikiki on a day off like the Gold Coast.
28:20Guess what?
28:21I'll give you six and a half, and that's the highest I'm going to go.
28:27Can you believe this guy?
28:29No.
28:30Give us a moment, Pete.
28:32What's our final offer?
28:34All right, Pete.
28:35We've talked to the accountants, and they've given us seven marshmallows.
28:41That's the final offer.
28:42We're walking.
28:45And that's how you negotiate.
28:47Remember, always be intimidating and rude,
28:50and say things like the F word.
28:52Don't forget to learn the names of all the kids' books.
28:55And number three is to remember to negotiate.
28:58Hard!
29:05I think you did teach me something.
29:06You taught me how to lose a negotiation, not win it.
29:10No, because we started by low-balling Pete Hellyer.
29:15He's got a great suite of books worth 20 to 30 marshmallows.
29:20But we got it from seven.
29:22But you start at four.
29:24You know this.
29:26I mean, you don't know this.
29:33Yeah, I feel like I wasn't learning from you.
29:35I think you accidentally taught me Pete's good negotiating technique,
29:38and that is say nothing and the money just goes up.
29:41You're welcome.
29:44So, who's next?
29:45Here with some tips about staying alive, which, as our oldest contestant,
29:49he's something of an expert in.
29:50It's Peter Hellyer.
29:54Taskmaster, it's PH here.
29:56I know you grew up on a farm.
29:58Occasionally, you visit a city.
29:59I'm going to show you how to survive on the streets here in my hometown, New York City.
30:07This looks like I'm having a lot of fun, Taskmaster.
30:09But look, what's about to happen?
30:11Hey, give me your skateboard, kid.
30:18That was close.
30:20I got away with it because of my street smarts.
30:22But the lesson is, don't take your flash new skateboard around the streets of New York City.
30:30Just because these hoodlums think they're tough doesn't mean they don't want to get caught.
30:34So I suggest always collecting some evidence when you're being attacked.
30:37Oi, give me your jewellery.
30:39Hey, smile.
30:40Oh, no.
30:41Please, please, delete them.
30:43Delete those photos.
30:44Only if you promise to give up your life of crime.
30:47Fine.
30:48Deal.
30:49But sometimes the odds just aren't in your favour.
30:52And as the kids say, you need a skedaddle.
30:55Give me your iPad.
30:56There's an iPad over there, look.
30:59Help!
31:00Help!
31:00Help!
31:01I'm in danger.
31:02Get in.
31:05You're safe now.
31:07Let's get out of here.
31:08Let's go.
31:11You're hot.
31:22That part of New York looked like where I live.
31:25It was upstate New York.
31:28There were no buildings whatsoever.
31:31And even when you turned up to rescue yourself, you're in a ute.
31:34And when you're in the ute, you look like someone from the country.
31:37You had a...
31:37You hadn't a Coober on.
31:40I thought you weren't going to see through it.
31:42I thought, hey, well, who's that?
31:43I thought, you know, the transformation was amazing.
31:45Oh, the illusion didn't work.
31:46I mean, at first I thought, oh, wow, he's jumped in a ute with his identical twin.
31:50And his twin doesn't know how to drive.
31:52Because did you get in the ute and then, to drive off, you just revved the ute in neutral?
31:59Tom, this feels like an off-air conversation.
32:04Okay, I don't know about you, but I need a break to let all that learning sink in.
32:09We'll be back soon.
32:20Welcome back to Taskmaster, where our comedians are competing for the chance to win a rare and mythical object,
32:26Pete Hellyer's gym clothes.
32:29Tell me, Alyssa, Tom, what are we doing now?
32:32Our contestants are trying to teach you something via the medium of instructional videos.
32:36Get out your blank tapes, because last up we have a VCR.
32:39It's a very confident redhead, Reece Nicholson.
32:43I'm going to teach the Taskmaster how to tuck.
32:47Tuck. Oh, tuck. Tuck.
32:51Hello, I'm comedian and publicly maligned drag judge, Reece Nicholson.
32:57And today we're going to talk about tucking.
32:59What's tucking, you ask?
33:01What's tucking?
33:02Good question, Tom.
33:03Tucking is the multi-part process designed to create a flat appearance down there.
33:08Why would you want to do that, you ask?
33:09Well, to read to children.
33:11So we're going to start by grabbing the little fajolas.
33:15And we're just going to very simply pop them up into here.
33:19With me so far?
33:21Use tape or gants to secure the little guys in place against the body.
33:26The tape is wrapped around the area, creating a flat appearance.
33:30Toots are just for comfort.
33:36And that's how you tuck.
33:39Oh.
33:40How about we get a drink?
33:42Come on, toots.
33:50Just to be clear to the families who are watching, like whole families at home.
33:53We're just talking about hiding fruit in a skeleton.
33:56It's a fun game.
33:57They do it on play school.
33:59But I must say, it's like there was a bit more to it than I thought.
34:03And I have a bigger respect now.
34:05There is like, there's a lot of work and kind of pain involved in doing drag, not just the shoes.
34:10But yeah, you've got to push it up there.
34:12Yeah, you've got to really suffer for your art.
34:14And some drag queens, there's a lot to tuck.
34:17And there's a lot of tape to be placed there and a lot of tucking to be done.
34:21And so what Reece is trying to say is sometimes you have to try to hide a whole fruit shop
34:26inside a skeleton.
34:26Yeah.
34:27All right.
34:28Well, I have to score, don't I?
34:29Mm-hmm.
34:30Well, I've got to put Pete in one.
34:32Okay.
34:32Because he taught me how to survive an urban area in a regional area.
34:36And I just, I know how to survive a regional area.
34:39You've just got to be racist.
34:40Anyway, I'm going to give two points to Mel because you were trying to make out that drinking's a problem.
34:48And we know in Australia it's not.
34:52I'm going to give three points to Aaron because he taught me the great negotiating technique that Pete used.
34:56through all those years of the project.
34:59And I'm going to give four points to Conchetta because I've never seen those videos before
35:03and I've learned all kinds of things about how to put on makeup, which I'll use later.
35:07But for five points, they're going to Reece because I really did learn something from them.
35:14Genuine learning.
35:17Do you have one last task in the chamber for us tonight, Tom?
35:21Yes, we do.
35:22And I suck.
35:27This next task involves insults and I didn't feel comfortable using anyone else as an example.
35:52This task's over there.
35:53Is it?
35:54What have we got here?
35:57Oh, there's a microphone here, Tom.
35:58That's enough to sting.
36:01Is it on?
36:02No.
36:03Here we go.
36:06Roast each character the quickest.
36:08So we're after speed.
36:11Bang, bang, bang.
36:13It's like quick fire.
36:14Your roast must be relevant to the character.
36:17I'm a good person.
36:19Really?
36:20No.
36:21Quickest average response time wins.
36:24It doesn't have to be best roast, it's relevant roast.
36:27Also, the best overall roaster will get two bonus points.
36:31Holy smokes.
36:33Tom will unveil the characters from left to right beginning in one minute.
36:36Your time starts now.
36:37And you're allowed to go racial.
36:40I didn't say that, but there's also nothing in the rules to prevent that.
36:48All right, chuck me some mint jelly, lesser Tom, because I enjoy good roast.
36:52Let's see what these guys have.
36:53These three must be thirsty toilets because they love taking the piss.
36:57It's Aaron, Mel and Peter.
36:59Are you ready?
37:00Yeah, sure.
37:01Let's do it.
37:01Kind of nervous.
37:03Do you want to practice on me?
37:04Tom, you stink and you look like an idiot.
37:07You're green, blue suited, bloody whistle blowing.
37:10Get a clue.
37:12Okay.
37:13Yeah, let's go.
37:14I'm ready.
37:16Is that a lamb?
37:18You look like a goat.
37:21If it was ugly.
37:23Baaaaa.
37:25Baaaaa.
37:25Baaaaa.
37:25Baaaaa.
37:26Baaaaa.
37:27You know, I would actually go on a date with Tom Cruise before I'd go on a date with you.
37:33That's an old advertising reference in Australia.
37:36You little f***ing lamb.
38:06laalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaalaala
38:07Um, cause I didn't recognise him.
38:11Cause he's not famous anymore.
38:14Oh, well this is...
38:16You fat f***ing, seriously.
38:18Do they make those shorts for men?
38:21Wow.
38:22Watch with the spray tan.
38:23It's a bit dark for my liking, to be honest.
38:25That's gonna get you into trouble.
38:26And guess what, um, Pete?
38:28You smell...
38:31Yeah.
38:33Uh-oh.
38:34Boldy, boldy, boldy, boldy, boldy, bold man.
38:39You can't even stay on your seat, you arsehole.
38:43Imagine breaking so easily.
38:46Guess what I've got?
38:47An actual working penis and a scrotum.
38:55Who are you?
38:56You're like a real version of that guy.
38:58But, um, even...
39:01Even stinkier.
39:05Hello, loser.
39:07I'm sure you're a nice man.
39:09But, your twin brother is a bit freaky, to be honest.
39:11Although, he's better looking than you are.
39:13He's much better looking, he's younger.
39:15And to be honest, I don't think you have genitals either, mate.
39:17To be honest, looking down there, he's got a bigger bulge than you have.
39:20I'm getting a real...
39:21Left school at 14, just dug myself a job out of the trenches.
39:25Could have a vibe.
39:25What's your name?
39:26Joe.
39:27Joe?
39:28Get a longer name.
39:30I see that I've hurt your feelings, which is exactly, exactly my want.
39:35Nice to meet you, bro.
39:36I'm sure you're a very nice guy.
39:38Thanks, Mel.
39:41Good night, Boston.
39:47Now, Aaron, you were making fun of Pete for not being famous.
39:51Is that right?
39:51Is that the dig you were getting at there?
39:53I panicked, because I saw the picture and I didn't know who it was.
39:56And then, word association, recognised, famous.
40:00And then, Pete's one of the most famous guys in the country.
40:04Yeah, so when you were having a go at his face...
40:08You can't smooth over a roast.
40:10You can't take it back, because then the roast loses its sting.
40:14Pete sucks.
40:17Well, in fact, that happened to you, Pete.
40:19You were launching into the bald men at the end there,
40:21and then at the end, you actually seemed quite nice.
40:24You couldn't quite stick to...
40:25I'm not an insult comic.
40:26It's very uncomfortable for me.
40:28I actually took that guy home, I brought him dinner, and I...
40:35And the disguise had worked.
40:40But it was...
40:41It was genuinely an uncomfortable experience.
40:44And then when I saw a human man there,
40:46that was kind of terrifying.
40:48That wasn't...
40:48That wasn't comfortable.
40:49Mel didn't flinch.
40:50No.
40:50You were just like,
40:51there's a who looks like the mannequin,
40:53and you were just straight in.
40:55A professional.
40:56Yeah.
40:59Did you have a little moment of doubt before you ripped in there?
41:02No.
41:02I think I even implied he was a homosexual,
41:05even though I myself am...
41:07Still a burn on both of us, though.
41:10Okay.
41:10We're actually looking for the most quick-witted, so...
41:12That's right.
41:13Who was the quickest?
41:14Pete, your average response time was 13.8 seconds.
41:17Mel, 8.4 seconds.
41:19Aaron, 8.2 seconds.
41:22Oh, okay.
41:25It's time for some ads,
41:27but watch out.
41:28If you don't come back after the break,
41:29we'll be roasting you next.
41:31See you after this!
41:40Look, I know you're watching it now,
41:42but how about watching more later?
41:43Catch every moment of triumph
41:44and utter humiliation of Taskmaster Australia
41:47with full episodes at 10play.com.au
41:49or the 10play app.
41:56Welcome back to Taskmaster.
41:58What are we up to, Lester Tom?
41:59We're doing a roast race so far.
42:01Aaron, Mel and Pete have taken no prisoners,
42:04which is good,
42:05because that wasn't the task
42:06and it would be illegal.
42:08Now it's time for Concetta and Rhys.
42:11I'm a terrible roaster.
42:12Ready?
42:13Yep.
42:16You big idiot.
42:18The thing about lambs is that...
42:23Are you okay?
42:24No.
42:25And you have your one ear up
42:26and your one ear down.
42:27You're always listening for people
42:28to be bitching about you
42:30and we're bitching all right.
42:32Lambs.
42:33Better eaten than alive.
42:36Is that a roast?
42:37Go to the next one.
42:42I'm having a full blown mental breakdown, Tom.
42:45You bitch.
42:47You stupid little bitch.
42:50And you wear your pearls like,
42:52I'm Dame Judi Dench.
42:54We know you love to get f***ed.
43:00Where does she get her hair done?
43:03The bad wig store?
43:05Move on.
43:06Oh my God.
43:09Mate, mullets are normal.
43:11It's not funny.
43:12Everyone has a mullet.
43:14This is the best photo of Peter Hellyer I've ever seen.
43:17Move on.
43:21Did you really have to get my ex out here?
43:24You know what's horrible?
43:25This is what I look like without my wig on.
43:27How dare you wear that top that I bought for you?
43:29Okay?
43:30You shouldn't be wearing that because that has memories
43:32and it makes me uncomfortable.
43:34And also, you're bad at sex.
43:36When I see him, I think of you just completely nondescript
43:40and bringing nothing to the situation.
43:43That's a race for both of you.
43:44Move on.
43:45Oh no!
43:47Now I feel bad about what I said about that man.
43:51You f***.
43:52You f***.
43:54Dressing up like my ex.
43:56Let me start by saying,
43:57you look better than that one.
43:59But not much.
44:01You think you're really cute.
44:02You think, I'm one of the cute guys.
44:04I'm not one of the bad guys.
44:05You're one of the bad guys.
44:09I've hated this
44:10and I reckon this is the worst task that I've done.
44:13I'm so sorry.
44:14I don't mean it.
44:15Her, I can be mean to you but not him.
44:18Oh God, I feel dirty.
44:21Bye Tom, this has been real bad.
44:22And I look forward to being roasted in the studio for it.
44:32Wow, Conchetti.
44:33At one stage, you said, I'll quote,
44:36you bitch, you stupid little bitch.
44:38How did you come up with that witty wordplay?
44:43Just off the cuff.
44:45Really?
44:46Oh, you didn't prepare it earlier.
44:48I couldn't tell because it was just so well written.
44:51Why are you being so nice to me?
44:58So, Rhys, why are you so averse to roasting?
45:02You're quite happily abusing everyone in the studio.
45:04It seems to come quite naturally.
45:05It was the only task, I think, out of the whole run
45:08that at the end, Tom was quite genuine when he went,
45:11are you okay?
45:14Well, I've seen you stand up and a lot of it's self-deprecating.
45:17So what you do is when you're roasting is you just take all that self-loathing
45:20and just put it on other people.
45:22Oh, that would kill them.
45:26I got a lot of anger and sadness and I push it down
45:28and I'm either making a diamond or a tumour.
45:35Alright, I feel like we need some final scores
45:37because, again, it was about their average at how quick they were
45:39with coming up with a roast.
45:41Conchetta's average response time was 12.4 seconds,
45:44putting her in third place currently.
45:46Rhys' average response time was 46.4 seconds.
45:50Oh, wow.
45:55Alright.
45:56So now we need you to assess the best overall roaster.
45:59It really was just pouring out of Mel Buttle, wasn't it?
46:02I mean, when the mannequin was there and a man with emotions,
46:06it made no difference.
46:08So I think the bonus points go to Mel.
46:10We've got Rhys with one point, Pete with two,
46:12Conchetta with three, Aaron with five,
46:14but Mel takes six points.
46:18Now, before we send everyone upstairs for a live task,
46:21are we allowed to have a little peek at the scoreboard, please?
46:25Lesser Tom.
46:26So stuck on the ground floor is Conchetta at the moment
46:28in the elevator are Pete and Rhys,
46:30but living that penthouse lifestyle are Mel and Aaron,
46:33both with 14 points.
46:35Thanks, Jenny.
46:37Alright, you lot scram.
46:39It's time for your live task.
46:40Get upstairs!
46:46What am I looking at there, Lesser Tom?
46:48Conchetta, could you please read the task?
46:50Rebend your tennis balls off a ramp and stick them to your suits.
46:54A tennis ball stuck to a limb or body gets one point.
46:57A tennis ball stuck to a head gets three points.
47:00A tennis ball stuck to anyone else's suit gets five points.
47:04You must remain on your spots at all times.
47:07To count, the balls must bounce off a ramp.
47:11Most points win.
47:12You have two minutes from Tom's whistle.
47:14Are we ready?
47:15Yep.
47:16Yeah.
47:22Nope.
47:23Ah!
47:27Ah!
47:31Ah!
47:31Oh!
47:31Oh!
47:33Oh!
47:34Oh!
47:35Oh!
47:37Oh!
47:38Ah.
47:38You!
47:39No!
47:41Okay.
47:41Come on, Jack.
47:43Ah!
47:44This is...
47:46Oh!
47:52This is going so poorly!
47:53Oh!
48:00You!
48:08You!
48:35All right, we're going to clean this shit up, we'll see you after the break.
48:49Welcome back to Taskmaster.
48:50We've consulted our primary school dictionary and assessed all the tennis ball peggings,
48:55sconings, axings and falcons from our live task.
48:59Lesser Tom, what kind of scores are we looking at?
49:02In last place, with seven body shots, you have Mel, then Pete.
49:06Pete, you had eight body shots.
49:08We had Reece, you had two body shots, two head shots.
49:11Conchetta, you had four body shots and then also three head shots, so 13 points total.
49:16Aaron had ten body shots, one head shot and two balls on someone else with 23 points.
49:24That means Mel gets one point, Pete with two, Reece three, Conchetta four and Aaron takes
49:29home the task with five points.
49:33And more importantly, who won tonight's episode?
49:36So in fifth to second, we have Conchetta, Pete, Mel and Reece, but with his tearaway live task
49:41effort, Aaron is the winner with 19 points.
49:48Congratulations, Aaron, you are the winner.
49:49Peter, please ascend to the stage and enjoy your prizes in silence.
49:59All right, other Tom, let's have a little looky look at our season scores.
50:03So now that we've completed five out of our ten episodes, we can officially say that on 81
50:08points, Reece has won the first half of Taskmaster.
50:11All right, and just like that, we're at the end of another episode of Taskmaster.
50:18But what did we learn?
50:19We learnt that only 40% of Australian comedians know how to row a boat.
50:24We learnt that the world can be a very tough place for a little girl with lovely long hair.
50:31But most importantly, we learnt that Aaron is the winner of episode five.
50:36See you next week.
50:59I'm going to eat your ass, Tom Cashman.
51:01How does that make you feel?
51:02I didn't like it.
51:04Maybe I'm having a stroke.
51:05This is so scary.
51:06I don't get it!
51:07It's like you don't watch the clips, honestly.
51:10Oh, yes!
51:11Shut the f*** up!
51:12Stop, stop.
51:13All right.
51:13Come on, banter.
51:15See, it's shit!
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