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Taskmaster AU S02E01
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00:00Ah!
00:04Ah!
00:10Ah!
00:15Ah!
00:17Ah!
00:20Yes!
00:21No!
00:23Ah!
00:37Hello and welcome to Taskmaster Australia.
00:40That's right, we're back!
00:41Thanks to Season 1's eye-wateringly high ratings
00:45and the credit card I lent to a Channel 10 executive
00:47with a gambling dead.
00:49My name's Tom Gleeson and for the next few months I rise.
00:53Much like the Holy Trinity.
00:55I may be Tom, I may be Gleeson,
00:57but I am also something else.
00:59I hover above those trivial,
01:01earthly designations
01:03and I become the Taskmaster.
01:10Over the next 10 episodes
01:11we'll watch five comedians
01:13complete a series of tasks
01:15that may seem silly to you
01:17but are of utmost importance to me.
01:19I will grant points based on how badly
01:21they displease me
01:22and the series winner will win something
01:25previously only possible
01:26if I'd gone back in time
01:28and kissed Midas on the mouth.
01:31It's this statue of my perfect head.
01:37I love you little buddy.
01:39The five comedians who find themselves here
01:41either due to availability
01:43or a deep need to make themselves relevant again
01:47are...
01:49Jenny Tien
01:50Jenny Tien
01:51Josh Thomas
01:54Lloyd Langford
01:57and Will Anderson
02:01Last to be introduced for both logistical
02:04and emotional reasons
02:05my assistant Tom Cashman
02:11G'day Lester Tom.
02:12I guess I should ask you
02:13how you are or some shit like that.
02:16How are you?
02:17I had a bit of an issue at a restaurant last time.
02:19Okay.
02:20After I ate I asked the waiter
02:21to pass on my compliments to the chef
02:23and then I asked if the chef
02:24had any compliments for me.
02:30Don't expect any compliments from me.
02:31Okay.
02:32Alright Tom, remind me how we start this.
02:35As always we start with a prize task.
02:36Tonight our contestants have been asked to bring in
02:38what they consider to be
02:39the thing that most doesn't look like
02:41what it is called.
02:43And the thing that most doesn't look like
02:44what it is called
02:45will receive five points.
02:46Second best, four points and so on.
02:48And the winner of tonight's episode
02:49will take home all five prizes.
02:52Okay.
02:52The thing that most doesn't look like
02:54what it is called.
02:56Always good to start a season with clarity.
02:58Anne, what have you got?
02:59I've brought in sea monkeys.
03:01Yeah.
03:02So what do you think a sea monkey would look like?
03:04Just a monkey and bathers, goggles.
03:07Having a deep dive and a good time, you know.
03:09Well that looks nothing like that.
03:11No it doesn't.
03:11So I'm winning already.
03:14Alright Jenny, what have you got?
03:15Yeah, so I have brought in a video
03:17of a particular thing.
03:24So that looks like drowning.
03:27Right.
03:28But the official term for that is actually squirting.
03:32Right.
03:35So the winner of this episode can go and squirt.
03:47So that's called squirt boating.
03:48When you get your boat underwater and it squirts out of the water.
03:50Yeah, exactly.
03:51In the water.
03:52It squirts.
03:52Wow, you're actually making sense of this.
03:53Yeah, I know.
03:54It's because the name kind of sounds like what it is.
03:59Alright Josh, what have you brought in?
04:00Chlamydia.
04:01Chlamydia.
04:01Oh.
04:03I brought it in because chlamydia is very bad, right?
04:06It hurts genitals and koalas, which are two things that everybody loves.
04:09Yeah.
04:10But the word chlamydia is quite beautiful I think.
04:14Like if I said to you, please welcome Princess Chlamydia,
04:16and you didn't know what chlamydia was, you'd think,
04:18well I'm excited to meet her.
04:22If I said, um, this is, um, this is my puppy chlamydia,
04:26you'd be like, oh, cute puppy.
04:28Do you have any examples?
04:29Yeah, exactly.
04:29If you had like a bunch of flowers and you were like,
04:31these are chlamydias, I'd be like, oh, wow, thank you for the chlamydias.
04:35Thank you so much.
04:36Yeah.
04:37That's really helpful.
04:38Um, but just to...
04:39What?
04:40Well...
04:44You said if you don't know what the word means.
04:46But that works for every word.
04:47That works for squirt, boat, sea monkeys.
04:49No.
04:50Because you don't know what the words mean.
04:51So your criteria works for anything at all.
04:54No, I got it wrong, yeah.
04:56Can I...
04:57Somewhere in my head I changed it to sounds like.
05:00Mm.
05:00But it's not what it...
05:01That's not what it is.
05:02Yeah.
05:03And I...
05:03I'm glad that Jenny got two points.
05:11Uh, Lloyd, what do you have?
05:13I brought in a priest.
05:20It doesn't look like a priest, Lloyd.
05:22Exactly.
05:23Oh.
05:28So that...
05:29That is, um, called a priest, generally, and it is used for killing fish.
05:36OK.
05:37Sea monkeys?
05:39Oh, yeah, you could have a sea monkey genocide with one of the...
05:43LAUGHTER
05:44Um...
05:45So, it's used for fish killing.
05:46Is it...
05:46Is it a Welsh thing?
05:47No.
05:48No, you can kill fish wherever you like.
05:51LAUGHTER
05:54And finally, uh, Will, what did you bring in?
05:57Shortbread.
05:57Like, there it is.
05:59Absolutely delicious.
06:00Yep.
06:00But it's not bread, is it?
06:01My local sandwich shop, they'll give you a white bread, a multi-grain bread, a rye bread.
06:05Here's what they won't give you.
06:08LAUGHTER
06:12I don't know.
06:13When you made it into a sandwich, it made it look more like bread.
06:16Yeah.
06:16It looked less like bread before you made it a sandwich.
06:19Yeah.
06:20My point.
06:21LAUGHTER
06:24It just seems like shortbread to me.
06:27That seems like bread but short.
06:28And I don't want it to seem like I'm lashing out because my chlamydia is bad, but...
06:32LAUGHTER
06:32Yes, but to use your criteria, Josh, if you didn't know what bread was,
06:36or what the word short meant, you'd have no idea that that was shortbread.
06:40But we wouldn't use that criteria because that criteria is famously wrong.
06:43But by your criteria, that's chlamydia.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:46If you said, do you want this sandwich, it's a chlamydia, I'd think, yum.
06:51LAUGHTER
06:53I'm lost.
06:55All right, well, I can help you find yourself, Josh.
06:57You've got one point.
06:58LAUGHTER
06:59Two points go to Jenny.
07:01Yes!
07:03LAUGHTER
07:03Yeah.
07:04I'm going to give three points to Will.
07:05He did make the point that before it was a sandwich, it didn't look like bread.
07:09APPLAUSE
07:09Ooh!
07:12And your sea monkeys look nothing like monkeys in bathers at the beach.
07:16That's a fair point.
07:17Four points to Anne.
07:17Thank you very much.
07:19And although priests can be equally menacing, they look nothing like a baseball bat.
07:24So five points to Lloyd.
07:26APPLAUSE
07:28All right, Lesser Tom, shall we get into the real stuff?
07:32I'm still calling you Lesser Tom this season, by the way.
07:35Just to be clear, it's because you're lesser than me.
07:38OK.
07:38In every way.
07:39That was coming through.
07:40Yeah, yeah, like profile, talent.
07:43Correct.
07:44Yeah.
07:45LAUGHTER
07:46Financially.
07:47LAUGHTER
07:49Like, in every way.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:51Call me what you like, I am emotionally robust.
07:54Though I will say, a Lesser Lesser Tom might develop a chip on his shoulder.
07:57MUSIC
08:12Trebuchet.
08:13Hey, baby girl.
08:15Hi, Josh.
08:15Whoa.
08:16Balloon time.
08:17It's a seagull and some goggles and a helmet.
08:22Careful of that spike.
08:23Oh, shit!
08:24Mmm.
08:25This looks like a lot of fuss.
08:26Thank you, Tom.
08:27Fish and chips.
08:28Maybe.
08:29Yummy.
08:29OK.
08:32Whilst wearing your seagull helmet, fill your basket with hot chips.
08:37If a hot chip touches the floor, you can't put it in your basket.
08:40If a chip that isn't a hot chip enters your basket,
08:43you must discard the existing hot chips within it.
08:45You may not leave the lab.
08:47Most hot chips in the basket wins.
08:50You have eight minutes.
08:51Your time starts when you put your seagull helmet on.
08:54So some of these have hot chips in them?
08:55I hope so.
08:56For your sake.
08:59Maybe step out from under.
09:01Oh.
09:01Oh!
09:02Oh!
09:02Oh!
09:03Oh!
09:04OK.
09:08All right, so basically you pop the balloons, you get chips fall out.
09:12If you catch any non-chips, you start again.
09:14Yep.
09:14Who's attempt are we dining on first?
09:17No small fries themselves.
09:18First up, it's Jenny and Lloyd.
09:20Oh, that looks like it has hot chips in it.
09:23How am I going to do this?
09:27You need to get them in there.
09:29Yeah.
09:29Oh!
09:31Oh!
09:32Oh no!
09:34Yes!
09:35I got some!
09:39What's that cork?
09:42I thought I'd just been short.
09:46Oh!
09:46Oh!
09:47Make your chips, you dog.
09:49Oh!
09:50Oh!
09:51I think these are chips.
09:54Empty your basket.
09:55Yeah.
09:58Lip.
10:00Oh, man.
10:01I'm not allowed, like, a chair or anything.
10:05That's a bit of wood.
10:08Shit!
10:10Oh!
10:11I got some shit!
10:12Pull that out, please.
10:15It's a sort of metaphor for my life, this.
10:18What's the metaphor, exactly?
10:21Failure.
10:22You enjoying watching this?
10:23Yeah.
10:24Use your smile.
10:24A little smile.
10:29Empty your basket.
10:33Oh!
10:34I got a tiny chip!
10:38Now I know how JFK felt.
10:42Wait seconds.
10:48Result.
10:49I have one.
10:50I have one chip.
10:52Two chips.
10:52If you had your time again, would you take a different approach?
10:55Oh, gosh.
10:55I would not agree to be on this show.
10:58Thanks, Jenny.
10:59OK.
11:00Bye.
11:08Jenny, do you reckon height might have been an issue?
11:11Yeah.
11:11I jumped a lot.
11:12Did you see how much I jumped there?
11:14It was really physically exhausting.
11:17Yeah.
11:17Yeah.
11:17I don't think it made a difference.
11:19We adjusted the balloons for each contestant so that there was less than a bird helmet
11:24gap between each contestant's head and the balloons.
11:26OK.
11:26Oh.
11:27All right.
11:28Now, Lloyd, why did you feel like JFK?
11:31I get it because of its irreverence, but I don't actually understand what you meant.
11:36Well, it was the unexpected loud explosions around my head.
11:42Yeah, but after that he felt dead.
11:45I felt dead when I looked in the basket and I only had two chips.
11:50I was like, there's a conspiracy.
11:52Is there a second seagull?
12:00All right, well, you and Anne are a couple and you have a child.
12:03Like, at your kids' parties.
12:05It's not his.
12:12It's Will's.
12:14To be honest, I looked down the panel and thought, it's probably mine.
12:20OK, so at your children's parties, is there cocaine in the balloons and DNA tests?
12:27I think...
12:27Sorry, you're still processing the news from Anne, aren't you?
12:31So, what are the stats so far?
12:33Well, we have Jenny on one chip and Lloyd had two chips and two little chip crumbs,
12:37but two little chip crumbs, they're not chips, so two chips.
12:44OK.
12:45Now, if these chip attempts feel like you've only been served some half-arsed, soggy ones,
12:50don't worry, after the ads, we've got the proper crunchy bastards coming your way.
12:54See you after this!
13:05Welcome back to Taskmaster, where we decide which comedian in Australia is the best
13:10by making them pop balloons with a plastic seagull attached to a helmet.
13:14Tom Cashman, that sums it up, right?
13:16Pretty much. Our contestants are trying to fill up their basket with hot chips
13:19while avoiding the other types of chips.
13:20So far, Lloyd has caught two chips and Jenny has one.
13:24OK.
13:27Who are we forcing an unflattering helmet on next, Tom?
13:30There are a couple of chips off the odd block, assuming both of them have parents who are popular comedians.
13:35It's Anne and Josh.
13:37Some of these aren't, aren't chips.
13:39Well, we'll see.
13:40Oh, careful of the...
13:41Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm always obsessed with this.
13:43Was that a chip?
13:45Yeah, wood chip.
13:47What are you doing?
13:48I didn't know that it said I had to pop them with the helmet.
13:51I just have to wear the helmet.
13:52That's chips.
13:54That's chips!
13:55That's chips.
13:56Ah!
13:57Ah!
14:00Ah!
14:02Mmm, not in the basket.
14:03No, it's not really.
14:04Ah!
14:06No!
14:08Dip it out.
14:09I know.
14:10Ah!
14:11Ah!
14:14One chip!
14:14One chip.
14:14One chip.
14:16That was chips.
14:17That's chips.
14:18Sometimes I wish you were more proud of me.
14:21Oh, okay.
14:21Tom, can you go and get me some scissors?
14:23Got some scissors?
14:24Yes, please, please, please, please, please.
14:25Go, go, go.
14:26Oh, I've got quite a few.
14:28It starts becoming a gamble, doesn't it?
14:29Because you think, should I take the risk?
14:31Yeah.
14:32Ah!
14:33Yes, that's what I need.
14:35Ah!
14:38There we go.
14:40Yes!
14:42The thing about this is I'm getting better at it.
14:44Possibly chips.
14:45Ah!
14:48That's not even chips!
14:50We're going to pictures, I guess.
14:51As I've always said.
14:53That was two in a row.
14:55Yeah?
14:55There was such drama, and sometimes you just don't blink.
14:58Ah!
14:59Ah!
15:01What's that?
15:02Am I stuck in the wall?
15:03You're slightly stuck in the plastic.
15:05That's all right.
15:06That's chips.
15:07Something we're getting a bit compromised here.
15:10I actually don't think there are any chips left.
15:13How are you feeling?
15:14Good.
15:14Okay.
15:14Yeah.
15:15Feeling pretty in control of everything.
15:18Yeah, I'm pretty happy.
15:19Maybe take the helmet off.
15:20How?
15:24Yeah, he's stuck in the plastic.
15:38Yes.
15:40Bye-bye.
15:49Ann, did you get snagged on the way out?
15:51I don't know.
15:52I've always thought about myself there's something fundamentally wrong with me, and this show
15:56has proved it.
15:58Well, you're lucky the task wasn't, get out of this room.
16:02So just to be clear, like pulling the balloons off the roof and tearing them open, that's
16:06fine?
16:06There was nothing saying that you couldn't touch the balloons or take them down from where
16:09they were fixed.
16:14Now, Joshua, it was a very needy performance from you, I felt.
16:17Oh, you were doing well.
16:18Oh, my God.
16:20No, you were doing well, but then you were worried about getting feedback.
16:23What was that about?
16:23From him?
16:24Yeah.
16:24Oh, babe, you don't know what it's like out there.
16:28In that plastic-wrapped room, and the only person you have to talk to is him who's like,
16:32he's sort of a person, but he's not really a person.
16:36I don't want to sound like I'm trying to host the show, but I would actually really like
16:40to know how many chips...
16:42I want to know how many chips I got versus how many chips she got.
16:46I noticed a lot of her house were mushy, and I thought...
16:48Oh, hello!
16:49Going to throw me under the bus!
16:51Some of Anne's chips were mushy, so we took that into consideration while counting.
16:55Thank you, Tom.
16:55I feel good about that, yeah, I just...
16:58We don't need feedback, by the way.
17:01All right, Josh, you collected 31 chips.
17:05Whoa, that's great!
17:10And Anne, on top of the $40 worth of damage she did to our plastic curtain, 40 chips!
17:14No!
17:18All right, Tom, there's only one left, correct?
17:21Did you know there was a television show in the 80s called Chips?
17:24I didn't, but this next contestant probably did because he's older than everyone else,
17:28it's Will Anderson.
17:30This is a fun thing to do, but I'm not really sure how to do it.
17:33Now it's just a bit of trying to actually...
17:35Oh, no.
17:36Catch some of the hot chips when they come to...
17:38Oh, I don't know what the hell that's done.
17:42My... Oh, no, no.
17:44No.
17:45I mean, it feels like I'm going to slip on that sauce, by the way,
17:47which feels like an occupational health and safety issue, but...
17:50Yeah, be careful of the sauce.
17:51I have no control over what's happening here.
17:53You have no control?
17:54Be careful of the sauce.
17:55Thanks, Mum.
17:57I...
17:58What was that?
18:00Yeah.
18:02This voucher is for one large serving of hot chips.
18:06Your chips will be delivered in two minutes.
18:08How much time do I have to go?
18:09Two minutes and 35 seconds.
18:11Can I get those hot chips delivered in two minutes?
18:13Would you like to redeem it?
18:14Yes, please.
18:14All right.
18:15One hot chips coming right up.
18:17Hey, Tom.
18:18Yeah?
18:19I've got another one here, actually.
18:21Okay.
18:21I feel like I've got time to redeem that one as well, please.
18:24Okay.
18:24That would be great.
18:28Oh!
18:29Oh, shit.
18:31That would have been handy, but I feel like I don't have time
18:33if it's just two minutes again.
18:35Two large servings of hot chips.
18:37Can I have these in my basket?
18:38Sure.
18:40Thank you very much.
18:42Okay.
18:43Thanks, Tom.
18:44Thanks, Will.
18:45Can I go?
18:46Yeah, maybe I'll take the chips.
18:47Yeah, you won't do it.
18:49Woo!
18:51Oh, God!
18:52Oh, God!
18:55Oh, God!
18:56Oh, God!
18:56You're all right.
18:57You've got to be talking about service now.
18:58Oh, God!
19:02Oh, God!
19:05Oh, God!
19:06Oh, God!
19:07Oh, God!
19:08Oh, God!
19:08Oh, God!
19:10Can I honestly tell you the best thing about it was,
19:12the whole way through, Tom had been so patronising to me
19:15because I'm the old guy with bad hips,
19:17so he's like,
19:17oh, don't slip on the chips, old man.
19:19Don't slip on them, like, at the end.
19:21Woo!
19:23In case you were curious why there was a safety mat down
19:25for some of them and some not, that's why.
19:29I suspect I know who the winner is, but what are the stats?
19:32Will had 332 chips.
19:34Wow!
19:37That means Jenny takes home one point,
19:39Lloyd with two, Josh three and four,
19:41and Will wins the task with five points.
19:43Yeah!
19:46All right.
19:47What does that mean for our episode score?
19:49Well, very exciting.
19:50The parents of Anne and Lloyd's baby, Anne and Will,
19:52are both out front on eight points.
19:58All right, Tom, what's next on that iPad of yours?
20:01I would tell you if I only had a brain.
20:03That's a reference to The Wizard of Oz, a movie from 1939.
20:06Oh.
20:06Will gets it.
20:07This one's about scare pros.
20:08Oh.
20:20Hi, Jenny.
20:20Hi, Tom.
20:21Hello, Tom.
20:22How are you doing, my friend?
20:24I'm OK.
20:24Quite musty in there.
20:26Oh, you reckon?
20:26Ugh.
20:28Trumpet.
20:28I'm feeling good about this.
20:34Is that a murder?
20:35I'm not sure how many have to be together to be a murder.
20:38Maybe just aggravated assault.
20:40Build a scary scarecrow.
20:43You have 30 minutes.
20:44Your time starts now.
20:46What's scary to you?
20:47Not having enough food in the fridge.
20:48What happens if you don't have enough food in the fridge?
20:50I have to go out and buy it.
20:52Absolute nightmare.
20:53Every day of my life until I die.
20:58So you've just got to build a scary scarecrow.
21:01Seems pretty straightforward, thank goodness.
21:03Who's first?
21:04He's got an unnecessary L in his name.
21:06Will he cop an unnecessary L in this task?
21:08It's Lloyd Langford.
21:18I have to sort that out.
21:19I think I'm going to put them in like a thong as well.
21:23It's starting to look more like a nappy.
21:25Well, incontinence can be scary.
21:28Why is the guitar scary?
21:30If I can tie the cutlery to the skeleton
21:32and they bang onto the guitar,
21:35then there will be an extra audio repulsion for the crows.
21:42It's a bit more ambient than I was anticipating.
21:47Piss off.
21:48How much time have I got left?
21:5026 seconds.
21:50Let's see if any crows come in the remaining 26 seconds.
21:55Can you see any crows?
22:03What?
22:05Attach your scarecrow to the stake in the paddock.
22:08If a bird lands in a Taskmaster's sunflow patch in the next four days,
22:11you will be disqualified.
22:14Scariest scarecrow wins.
22:15Your time starts now.
22:17I'm sorry but this, I suppose,
22:18does imply that your 20-second test before wasn't quite enough.
22:22Well, no, but it's filled me full of confidence.
22:24A marathon begins with a first step.
22:27Was this the sound you were imagining?
22:30Yeah.
22:33What would you think if you were a crow that saw this?
22:35I don't think I'd be able to comprehend it.
22:37Look, there's a goose or a duck or something over there,
22:41keeping his distance wisely.
22:48It's filled a scary scarecrow with a twist.
22:51What made your scarecrow scary?
22:53There were knives and forks and things on bits of string
22:56that would clang into the guitar and scare away the birds.
23:01There's nothing scarier than somebody getting out a guitar at a party.
23:04Yeah.
23:05Well, the real question is,
23:06did any birds enter the Taskmaster's sunflower patch?
23:09Thankfully, we had a motion-activated camera
23:11trained on the patch 24-7 for four days.
23:13So, here we go.
23:15Uh-oh.
23:15Ooh.
23:16This is a close miss.
23:18This is so fun.
23:18This is a near miss as well.
23:20A second Australasian Swamp Hen.
23:22But I think this bit, you could not deny
23:25that an Australasian Swamp Hen has stepped upon the sunflower patch.
23:30The thing is, I thought I was making a scarecrow,
23:33not a scare Australasian Swamp Hen.
23:36You notice for the four days,
23:38there wasn't a solitary crow anywhere near it.
23:42OK.
23:42Well, time for you at home
23:44to shoo the Australasian Swamp Hens
23:46out of your own gardens.
23:47We're going for a little break.
23:48More shoddily constructed scarecrows
23:51coming up when Taskmaster returns.
24:03Welcome back to Taskmaster, where five of the best
24:05comedians in Australia are trying their best
24:08to get chlamydia the only way they know how.
24:11Winning a petri dish of it as a prize.
24:14Tom, how's it going?
24:15Our contestants are trying to make the scariest scarecrow,
24:17but unbeknownst to them, it's practical.
24:19And they will be disqualified if any birds enter your sunflower patch.
24:23So far we've seen Lloyd, and Lloyd was disqualified.
24:25Yep.
24:26Aww.
24:26And he deserved it too.
24:28Who's terrifying some birds next?
24:30Nothing scares these two apart from failure,
24:33loneliness, old age, humiliation, traffic,
24:36and in Anne's case balloons, it's Josh and Anne.
24:40I do this with my two-year-old.
24:43You're terrified, sir.
24:44Why would you do it then?
24:46You know, something to do, isn't it?
24:47What do you think it's going to be?
24:48So far I'm seeing two ladders, three hay bales.
24:51Yeah.
24:52And one ore.
24:52I have absolutely no idea.
24:54Maybe I'll do yours.
24:56Yeah.
24:56So now you're sort of becoming a pig man.
24:58I'll put this over your head like that.
25:00There you are, pig man.
25:04You've standing in front of the ladders.
25:05Okay.
25:06Yeah, a bit further.
25:07I stepped further further than that.
25:07You're crazy.
25:09Joseph!
25:09An angel came to me last night and said,
25:12I'm going to have the son of God.
25:13Was this angel a bloke?
25:15Yeah, big bloke.
25:16Huge bloke.
25:17Huge dick.
25:19You're going to do it?
25:20Yeah.
25:26Are you going to do it or?
25:28Yeah, I'm doing it.
25:29I mean, I'm done.
25:31Shit.
25:32That was scared.
25:33That was scared.
25:34Yes!
25:36And we're done.
25:38I'll just blow my whistle.
25:39Is it hard?
25:41You went like this.
25:42You went poof.
25:44What's this?
25:45It's another one.
25:45This is a little bit reminiscent of the journey to Bethlehem, probably.
25:49Oh, it's a nice paddock.
25:51God, you wouldn't want to be on this pregnant, would you?
25:53Yeah, it makes you feel for Mary.
25:54And Joseph.
25:56Poor bloke.
25:56Yeah.
25:57The first cuck.
25:59Didn't go one.
26:00We'll see.
26:01Thanks, Josh.
26:01I think that's not bad.
26:03He's eaten and now he's shitting out a human.
26:10What was the thinking there, Josh?
26:12It wasn't clear.
26:13No.
26:13Like, it seems like you just arranged some things behind Tom.
26:16I've got to tell you, it was hard to know how to make making a scarecrow entertaining.
26:24Should we see if any Australasian Swamp Hens walk into the sun cloud, Pat?
26:29So here's Josh's scarecrow.
26:31Um, so that's Josh.
26:33Oh, hang on.
26:33Who on day two decided to put bird seed all over the scarecrow.
26:39So that's going to take some more explaining.
26:44I went to bed that night and I started to get worried because my scarecrow really was like a series
26:48of perches.
26:49And I thought, oh my god, I've actually made like a perfect habitat for birds.
26:53And I was so worried about that because I thought, I'm not going to win this.
26:56And then at like 2am I thought, who doesn't want to make a home for birds?
27:00That's crazy thinking.
27:01That's the kind of thinking that like a property developer or like Peter Dutton would have.
27:06Of course I want to make a home for birds.
27:08That's way better than five of your dumb points that you weren't going to give me anyway.
27:14So I went out there and I made a beautiful home for birds.
27:17And I feel like I've reconnected with who I am and that's the greatest prize of all.
27:2912 birds and to Josh's son cloud bud.
27:37Okay, now Anne, the pig family reminded you of Mary and Joseph.
27:40Yeah, I don't know what, I just panicked and I put the sticky tape on my nose and then I
27:46thought a human involved in the scarecrow could really help.
27:50So I got Tom involved and I don't know, from there I can't tell you what happened.
27:53It just was 20 minutes of confusion and suffering.
27:57Much like the birth of our Lord and Saviour.
28:04So what about Anne, were there any birds near her nest?
28:07Oh, come off it.
28:11Let's have a look.
28:15Hello.
28:17No swamp hens in sight?
28:19Yeah.
28:19Perfect.
28:20Hello, keep going, keep going, keep going.
28:21Come on, come on.
28:22Finish.
28:23Yeah!
28:25Well done!
28:29Incredible.
28:30I should say that there were no live birds, but Anne did bring a bird into the sunflower patch herself.
28:36Did I?
28:37Oh.
28:37When?
28:37The bird is also getting in there.
28:43No.
28:45No.
28:46No.
28:47You're not going to count the fake bird are you Tom?
28:49You yourself described it as a bird.
28:52Do you remember what the rationale was at the time?
28:55I think you were directing the...
28:56I was trying to put it up Deborah's arse.
29:01But have I did...
29:02Am I out?
29:03Yeah.
29:04Tom, I probably...
29:05No, that's not...
29:06I'm going to stand up for her.
29:07Oh, how romantic!
29:10Oh!
29:11Yeah, me too!
29:17Did anyone actually scare any birds?
29:19Well, we've got two contestants left.
29:21One of them is Gen X.
29:22The other is Gen E.
29:23It's Will and Gen E.
29:26What if I could come up with a scarecrow that was like a disappointed parent?
29:31Mmm.
29:32What if it's like a cyborg scarecrow that's going to like take everyone's like jobs and houses
29:39and stuff?
29:43This is really coming together Tom.
29:44Did we choose a particular parent for this to be?
29:46Yeah, this is Dad.
29:47Okay.
29:48This is going to be a tableau of like who he dreamed that I would be, which is this,
29:52versus who I actually am.
29:54He wanted you to be a cow?
29:55Yeah.
29:55This is like a visual metaphor, I guess, for not taking over the dairy farm.
29:59Is there a green screen around here?
30:03Oh!
30:04And you have my job!
30:06Oh, not my job as well.
30:07Oh, no!
30:09Oh, my God.
30:10And it has Tom Cleason's job as well.
30:12And it's the new Taskmaster.
30:14And it's got this monkey mask that really evokes Planet of the Apes and a dystopic future.
30:19Ah!
30:20Yeah, what's the monkey mask about again?
30:21It's the Planet of the Apes reference.
30:23Oh, okay.
30:24And, you know, it's also kind of got a monobrow and monobrows are scary.
30:27Tom?
30:29I've got to be honest with you.
30:30I didn't know this, but cows cry milk.
30:33I'm not sure if that's true.
30:34What would you know, Tom?
30:36Did you ever disappoint your father by dressing up as a cow on national TV instead of staying
30:42on the family farm and just taking off it?
30:45Did you ever?
30:46No.
30:46You know what scares you?
30:48Reality.
30:49And this is reality.
30:50This is reality?
30:51This is reality.
30:54Oh!
30:55Oh my gosh!
30:56What am I going to do with my life?
30:58I have no fulfilment.
30:59I know!
31:03This might be my best one, I reckon.
31:05Wow.
31:06Thanks, Will.
31:07Thanks, Jenny.
31:08Thanks, Tom.
31:17You had a green screen there, Jenny.
31:19Yes.
31:19You could have put anything on it.
31:20Why not just put a scarecrow on it?
31:22No, but, like, conceptually, right?
31:25I was like, okay, well, I'm going to have, like, a dystopic future where it's like a scarecrow
31:29that's taken everyone's jobs.
31:31So, conceptually, I would argue that it's a pretty scary scarecrow.
31:35But it was supposed to be a scarecrow, so you thought that birds would be frightened of existential dread.
31:40Well, look, I wasn't really using birds as a metric on this.
31:44I was like, well, what's the scariest thing to me?
31:46I'm the person completing the task, and it's not my fault that birds are too stupid to understand the singularity.
31:55That is how we all interpreted it apart from mood.
31:58Yeah, I'd meet a scarecrow.
32:00Yeah.
32:07So, Will, what were you scared of there?
32:09I brought something to this show and this scarecrows task that I probably should have just taken to my therapist.
32:15It was a lot.
32:17Alright, well, I want to see whether these scarecrows got any results, the actual results we're looking for.
32:22Let's have a look at Jenny's.
32:25No!
32:26Yes, that's one swamp pen.
32:28That's a second.
32:29In fact, Jenny's sunflower patch had 14 Australasian swamp pens.
32:34Two more than even Josh, who was deliberately trying to get swamp pens.
32:42Tell me somebody scared a single bird.
32:45Let's have a look at Will's.
32:46So, Will, a close encounter there, but it didn't come closer.
32:50Then a dog appeared.
32:56And then a boy.
32:59A boy rode fast on a dirt bike.
33:02Alright, well, four disqualifications.
33:05One winner.
33:05What does that mean for the scores, Tom?
33:07Well, it says here the scores are, ooh, five.
33:11Sorry, zero, zero, zero, zero, five.
33:14Will wins the task with five points.
33:18Alright, we're taking a break.
33:20See you soon with more Taskmaster.
33:30Welcome to the season premiere of Taskmaster.
33:33Who will win Will Anderson's ham sandwich made from shortbread?
33:37Probably Will Anderson because everyone else has been shit.
33:42Melissa Tom, do you have more tasks lined up for us?
33:45Sure do, though you may not move in a line.
33:48You may only move one square away, for you are my king.
34:03Hi Jenny.
34:05Hey Tom.
34:06Hi Josh.
34:06Hey kiddo.
34:07Hi Lloyd.
34:08Tilapia.
34:09It's like a chess board, a checkers board.
34:11Is it sugar?
34:14No.
34:15Yeah, that's sugar.
34:16And that is?
34:18Cocoa.
34:28Make chess cool.
34:32Make chess cool?
34:33Impossible.
34:34Coolest chess wins.
34:35You have 45 minutes.
34:37Your time starts now.
34:38What?
34:39What about if I just lick this for the 45 minutes and then you have to take me to the
34:44hospital?
34:56This is actually a very tough task if you think about it because I'm not convinced that
34:59this lot could make even cigarettes or sunglasses look cool.
35:03Okay, and who's first?
35:04Is he cool or a white square?
35:06It's Will Anderson.
35:07I could make it cool in temperature because it is already a cool game.
35:12Okay.
35:13These are like ice baths.
35:15Like a pawn could be like defeated then it can come and do a little ice cold plunge.
35:19Temperature of the chess is about 24.
35:21Okay.
35:21Mild.
35:22But we are going to get this game of chess cold.
35:26Apparently this is a fan.
35:27You know what?
35:28That's just for you Tom.
35:29You can just, oh that's nice.
35:31That's good.
35:31Yeah.
35:31It's come down quite a lot already.
35:33That has already demonstrably become cooler.
35:36What's cooler than one guitar?
35:37Three guitars.
35:38Fans everywhere.
35:40Temperature is cool.
35:41It's pretty cool.
35:42Don't mess with the game.
35:44Okay.
35:44Why are you messing with the game?
35:45The game's perfect.
35:47Okay.
35:47We're down to 5.4.
35:49That is as cool as I can make this game of chess.
35:52Thanks Rob.
35:53Thanks Tom.
35:54Thanks Tom.
36:00Mr Littrell over here.
36:02Well I mean I think I find chess very cool as a game.
36:05So I decided to go with temperature.
36:07But you'd also notice there were guitars and also there was like a representation of the TV character the Fonz.
36:13That was the leather jacket with the sunglasses that was on the table.
36:16The Fonz was there.
36:18The coolest person.
36:19You're an older contestant and so you need an older reference.
36:21Yes.
36:22Will spent more than two minutes explaining what happy days was to me.
36:27So I think you went to a lot of effort and you tried really hard.
36:31But trying hard is not cool.
36:33It's try hard.
36:33Oh no but the task wasn't to make me more cool.
36:36Yeah.
36:37And in fact some would argue that in making me uncool chess was even cooler by comparison by being near
36:44me the uncool person.
36:45Yeah I don't know.
36:46I don't know.
36:47I feel like.
36:50Wow.
36:51They were more convinced by that argument than I was saying.
36:54I noticed that too.
36:57Who's next?
36:57Will she leave us saying yes queen or oh no what a rookie.
37:01It's Jenny Tian.
37:03I wonder where this elite chess club is.
37:06Stop.
37:07I heard there's this elite chess club.
37:09Could I join it?
37:10I have no idea what you're talking about.
37:12I heard it's like really cool and I really want to be part of it.
37:14Maybe that would be possible.
37:16If you gave me like a million dollars.
37:18I could spend my million on this.
37:22Exactly a million dollars.
37:24Here's your chess hat.
37:26You may enter.
37:38Whoa.
37:40Welcome to the most exclusive chess club.
37:43Skateboarding only.
37:45Oh that's so cool.
37:47Not that I care or anything.
37:48So nonchalant.
37:52Fancy a game?
37:53Why are the pieces floating?
37:55We're in space.
37:59Z.
38:012.
38:02To Y.
38:0358.
38:05Oh my god.
38:07Rookie.
38:08You're a genius.
38:10Checkmate.
38:10That was so cool.
38:19Jenny that was pretty cool.
38:21Yeah thank you.
38:22You know what I liked about it most?
38:24It was effortless.
38:25I did have nonchalance as part of my criteria of what cool meant.
38:30Pretty hard to fault.
38:32Playing chess in outer space.
38:33Yeah.
38:34And I had a lobster hat.
38:37Okay.
38:38Who's up next?
38:39She puts the mate in checkmate in that I consider her a friend.
38:42It's Anne Edmonds.
38:43Thanks Tom.
38:44Imagine you were a pawn.
38:46Stuck in the same square for 10 years.
38:49Desperate to take a step forward and change your life.
38:52Today I'm going to meet a pawn who wants to do just that.
38:55I'm the Queen of Hearts and the Queen of Luxury Real Estate.
38:58And this is Make Your Move.
39:04Pawn.
39:05Nice to meet you.
39:06Thank you for having me on your show.
39:08I guess this makes me a porn star.
39:10I'll do the jokes.
39:11Okay.
39:12Now you've been living in this particular square for 10 years.
39:15That's right.
39:16So I'm going to show you a property today that I think is going to excite you.
39:19So let's go and see our property.
39:22Okay.
39:23One step forward.
39:26Wow.
39:26How liberating.
39:27Okay.
39:28Let's go.
39:29I'm not legally allowed to move.
39:31Come on, let's go.
39:32You'll be right.
39:33Okay.
39:33Here we have what I would describe as a beautiful moat.
39:38So you've got that castle feel.
39:40Castles?
39:41You don't like castles?
39:42No, castles are very strong, very scary.
39:44I hate castles.
39:45Alright.
39:45Calm down.
39:47I'm getting really sick of this guy.
39:48So, Pawn, we've come to the very edge of the property now.
39:52Or as we like to say in your world, the end of the borg.
39:56Oh, wow.
39:57Step inside this square here and you can undergo a transformation.
40:02I can become a queen?
40:03No.
40:04Even better.
40:06A horse!
40:09Go and take a look around your new wonderful property.
40:12Trot it out.
40:14So that brings us to the end of another amazing episode.
40:17And another pawn whose life is changed for good.
40:20I'm the queen of hearts and the queen of real estate.
40:23And this has been...
40:24Make your move!
40:29I'm going to get you!
40:30I can go anywhere I want!
40:34So what were you aiming for there, Anne?
40:37Well, to me, there's nothing cooler than real estate shows.
40:39That's all I watch.
40:40And I thought, chess, it's boring.
40:44It's just on a board.
40:45I'm like, I need to get this out.
40:46Bit of cool camera work.
40:47And maybe move chess into a luxury setting that's cool.
40:52Yeah, I mean, when I think of cool, I think of Steve McQueen.
40:55Old reference for Will.
40:58I don't think reality show or talking about property.
41:01Yeah.
41:02People don't duck behind the bike sheds at school to peruse the real estate pages in the local paper if
41:09they exist.
41:10Yeah, I used to, but...
41:14Alright, who's next?
41:15I call him the knight because I don't see him going straight any time soon.
41:18It's Josh Thomas.
41:18Oh, my God.
41:19Oh, my God.
41:21Oh, my God.
41:23Oh, my God.
41:24Oh, my God.
41:24Oh, my God.
41:24Oh, my God.
41:24Oh, my God.
41:24Oh, my God.
41:25Oh, my God.
41:26Oh, my God.
41:30Oh, my God.
41:36Oh, my God.
41:48Rat-da-ta, rat-da-ta, rat-da-ta
41:52Get the sword!
41:53The sword!
41:55Good idea!
41:58Here comes the sword!
42:01Oh, I'm the king!
42:03Oh, no!
42:05No, I'm not my king!
42:08Oh, no, I'm dead!
42:12Yeah, we got the king!
42:13Yeah, we got the king!
42:15Yeah, we got the king!
42:17Yeah, we got the king!
42:25Really cool!
42:26Well, Josh, I think that was very cool.
42:29It was cool!
42:30I thought it was really cool, and I really like the catch cries,
42:32get the sword, good idea!
42:35Yeah.
42:36But was it chess?
42:37They were the chess pieces.
42:39Hey, king, I'm coming to get you!
42:41Here's the sword!
42:42They took down the...
42:43Wait, there was a narrative!
42:45They were chess pieces coming to kill the king!
42:47Yeah, there are no swords in chess.
42:49Sometimes one of them's holding a sword.
42:51Some chess pieces will be holding a sword.
42:53No, I don't think so.
42:53But when you play chess, you're sort of imagining some sort of theoretical battle.
42:58And I was doing the theoretical battle, which is...
43:00Without that, it's just...
43:02What is it?
43:02It's checkers!
43:03I don't know.
43:03All the pieces are all in a row.
43:05They just walked across the board.
43:06In a horizontal line.
43:07So you wanted me to do a dance routine where I just went like this?
43:12It would have been a lot more chess-like.
43:15But do you understand that...
43:18How am I the autistic one?
43:20It's like...
43:22It's not supposed to be literal.
43:24It's supposed to be like an idea or like an advertisement.
43:27It's like, you're giving it...
43:29Everybody is on my side on this.
43:34Alright, well if you want to listen to Josh's chess song, head over to your streaming service and have a
43:39look for it.
43:41It's not on there, but you may as well preoccupy yourself with something for the next three minutes.
43:45We're taking a break.
43:46See you soon.
43:56Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
43:59Lesser Tom, catch the people up.
44:01Our contestants are trying to make chess cool.
44:03And so far they've tried to achieve that by playing zero seconds of actual chess.
44:06Alright, this one more is there?
44:07Correct.
44:08He's no LL Cool J, but he is LL OYD.
44:12It's Lloyd Langford.
44:15What is my likelihood of us getting real horses?
44:23I'm going to guess relatively low.
44:29So this is a new chess I've invented.
44:33It's exactly the same as normal chess, but we're on horseback.
44:36Yep.
44:37And if your horse moves, you have to then move the horse character on the board.
44:42Oh!
44:43Okay.
44:44So you have to move your horse next move?
44:47Yeah, but I think white saddle goes first.
44:50Okay, I move the pawn in front of my king forward two spots.
44:53I'll move my...
44:57Sorry?
44:58I'll move the horse nearer my queen up two and then to the left one.
45:04I'm going to move my bishop out so it's in line with the pawn.
45:08Do you have to move your horse again?
45:09Because your horse moved.
45:10My horse doesn't stop moving.
45:12Exactly.
45:12This is mainly going to be a horse based game for me.
45:15I think so.
45:16Maybe I could come over to you and we could converse.
45:18Yeah.
45:18I'm off and away.
45:20Whoa.
45:20Come on Benson, let's go.
45:21Help Lloyd!
45:24I'll come and rescue you though, wait a second.
45:26Lloyd, you've got to move your horse.
45:27I'm trying to.
45:28No, I'm talking about the chess game.
45:30I'll be frank with you.
45:31I think I'm going to abandon the game of chess.
45:33Okay.
45:34I think the horses want to see each other.
45:37Yep.
45:38Lloyd, your time is up but I don't want to blow a whistle
45:40because I'm scared of what the horses will do.
45:42I think that's entirely understandable.
45:49Do you know how to ride a horse, Lloyd?
45:50I don't know how to ride a horse and worryingly,
45:55when the women came with the horses, the horse women,
46:00they said it's not a legal requirement for you to wear a helmet
46:03and then also Tom told me that they can smell fear.
46:09The horse, the horse is not the horse ladies.
46:13They were definitely playing chess.
46:15And also you both didn't have a helmet on.
46:17That's pretty cool.
46:19And after we rode the horses, we both got off with the horse ladies.
46:30Well, I got off with the horse, so...
46:39All right, well, who made chess the coolest is pretty much all it comes down to.
46:43So that's pretty easy.
46:44Josh gets one.
46:45Okay.
46:45Because, well, it was really, really cool.
46:48But out of all the representations of chess, it was the least chess-like.
46:52I'm going to give two points to Will because that was just a bit try-hard.
46:55Three points to Anne because, again, great chess, but I don't find property or reality shows cool.
47:01Mmm, that's your problem.
47:04I don't find hard quiz cool, but, you know...
47:08Five!
47:14You don't have to, the majority do.
47:16But then I'm giving four points to Lloyd because having actual horses and riding them around is a big risk,
47:22but no helmets.
47:22Very cool.
47:23Five points to Jenny because outer space chess is without doubt cool.
47:28So how does that shake up the overall scores?
47:32Well, Josh is on five.
47:33Jenny has eight.
47:34Anne and Lloyd both on 11, but the king of the board is Will on 15 points.
47:37Okay.
47:39All right, so there's still something at stake.
47:42I think we should have a live task then.
47:45Get on stage, everyone!
47:50All right, Lissa Tom, looks like a cool disco.
47:53Why do they have headphones on?
47:55Oh, not me.
47:59Dance in the silent disco.
48:01If the taskmaster correctly guesses that you are dancing to no music, you are eliminated.
48:06Last person still dancing in the silent disco wins.
48:09A bonus point for best overall dancing will be given.
48:12Should I describe what's going to happen?
48:14Yes.
48:14You're all going to put your headphones on and music's going to play in four out of the five sets
48:18of headphones.
48:19So one person is going to be hearing no music.
48:21That person needs to pretend they're hearing music.
48:23The taskmaster's going to try to guess who didn't have the music.
48:27If he successfully guesses you, you're out.
48:29Then we just have another round.
48:30Seems a little humiliating.
48:34All right, guys.
48:35I'm going to cue a track.
48:52Well, they seem to be an obvious one.
48:55So I'm thinking Lloyd had no music.
48:58That is incorrect.
48:59Oh!
49:02All right, we're set for round two.
49:04Here's the track.
49:23Lloyd took the longest to start dancing, so I'm going to say Lloyd.
49:26That is correct.
49:27Lloyd is eliminated.
49:34All right, here's the next track.
49:48I did notice that Josh was intently watching the other people dancing like he was trying
49:52to duplicate their dance, so I'm saying Josh.
49:54That is correct.
49:55Josh is eliminated.
49:57Yes!
49:58Get ready for your next track.
50:13I feel like they were dancing to YMCA, so I now have to decide whether Ann or Will were
50:18choosing not to do the moves.
50:19I'm going to go with Will.
50:21That is correct.
50:22Oh!
50:22Will is eliminated.
50:25All right, we've only got two contestants left in the silent disco.
50:28We'll see you after the break to find out who the winner is.
50:31Oh!
50:41Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
50:43If you've just joined us, we're about to have two people dancing on stage.
50:47One of them will be listening to music, the other one won't.
50:49I have to guess who is not listening to music.
50:52All right, here's the next track.
51:10I feel that Ann was performing mime, so I suspect it was Ann.
51:17That is incorrect.
51:19Yeah!
51:23Here's the next track.
51:38That was definitely Ann.
52:00I'm starting to feel like this is a task for me.
52:05Probability would suggest that it must now be Ann.
52:07That is correct.
52:09Ann is eliminated.
52:11Jenny Tien is our winner.
52:12Nice one.
52:16Congratulations, Jenny.
52:17Come on down, everyone.
52:22All right, do what you do best, Lesser Tom.
52:24Summarise that highbrow entertainment in numbers.
52:27Well, on one point we had Lloyd with his robot strategy,
52:30then two points for Josh, three for Will, four for Ann,
52:32and the winner of the task was Jenny with five points.
52:38Before we continue, though, you need to dole out a bonus point
52:41for the best overall dancing.
52:43Ann.
52:48So what does that mean for our overall episode scores?
52:51Much like the nepotism child of a celebrity,
52:54they got an early head start.
52:55Our winner of episode one with 18 points is Will Anderson!
53:02All right, Will Anderson wins.
53:04Get on stage.
53:04A bounty of confusingly named objects are yours to collect.
53:08And make sure you share the chlamydia with everyone else.
53:15That's all we have tonight.
53:17It's been a thrilling start.
53:19We've learnt the Taskmaster Retreat is haunted by a spooky bikey boy.
53:24And we've learnt sometimes the funniest thing is Lesser Tom
53:28absolutely stacking it on some sauce.
53:32But most of all we've learnt that the winner of episode one
53:35is Will Anderson!
53:37Yay!
53:38Yay!
53:54Hello!
53:55What now?
54:00I can't breathe!
54:02You mother...
54:03I feel like a lot went wrong for you.
54:05Oh God!
54:06That's not really attracted to it.
54:08That's not really attracted to it.
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