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00:00Oh
00:41Oh, my God.
01:02Oh, my God.
01:34Oh, my God.
01:49Oh, my God.
01:58Dinner is served.
02:02Ladies and gentlemen.
02:04For what you are about to receive, may you be truly sorry.
02:10There you go!
02:36Well, it worked.
03:00In the brown bottle.
03:03That was beautiful food.
03:05Out to you, my lady.
03:06You're beautiful.
03:08Oh, beautiful.
03:11Well put, well said.
03:13As you know, we members of the Pudding Club
03:19meet on this festive occasion
03:22to enjoy feasting and frivolity.
03:26As is our won't.
03:28And I won't if you won't.
03:33As is our won't,
03:34we also regale each other, you know,
03:37with nice tales and stories, you know,
03:40to pass the time more pleasurably between courses.
03:43And who better to start the ball rolling tonight
03:46than the wife of our founder, Lady Rhoda Cockhorse.
03:53Ladies and gentlemen,
03:55the story which I wish to tell
03:56is by force of circumstances a very short one,
03:59since the wall upon which it was written
04:00was in a very small room.
04:03But it is apt
04:05since it is the first known festive occasion
04:08when gifts were given
04:10many, many years ago.
04:22Blimey, Eve, I've told you a thousand times
04:24what I want for Christmas.
04:26I know, Adam,
04:27but it's a very big step to take, you know.
04:30Can't be that much to ask.
04:33How do you know if you've never had it?
04:37I can't stand it any longer.
04:40I must have it.
04:43Oh, all right, Adam.
04:51Blimey, Eve, I...
04:53Well, I...
04:54I have...
05:00Oh!
05:02Huge!
05:03Thank you, Eve, Eve.
05:10Well done, Lady Colors.
05:11Well done.
05:12You know, that reminds me of a story
05:14I saw written on a wall.
05:15Oh, really, Mr. Bergen?
05:16Yes.
05:17You see, I was standing there
05:18minding me own business.
05:19All right, well, I don't think
05:20the circumstances matter.
05:22What was the story?
05:22Well, I was just about to tell you,
05:24see, it goes like this.
05:25There was a young lady called Grace
05:27whose corset could no longer lace.
05:30Her mother said,
05:32Nellie, there's more in your belly
05:33than devil.
05:34Thank you very much, Mr. Bergen.
05:37I don't call upon General
05:38Sir Effingham Clodopper.
05:43General!
05:45General!
05:46What?
05:48It's time to do your bit.
05:50I can't do that.
05:52She's up in London.
05:56Tell your story!
06:00I was just thinking
06:01of a Christmas
06:03I once spent in Africa
06:05many years ago
06:07as District Commissioner.
06:09It was a lonely outpost,
06:12you see,
06:12right in the end.
06:14Yeah.
06:15But I remember, sir.
06:22There we are, my dear.
06:24Got more for you, Mother.
06:25And you, my dear.
06:27Ah, good.
06:29Sir, thank you, Thompson.
06:31I see that you managed to get a bird for Christmas.
06:34Yes, sir.
06:35She's waiting in my room, sir.
06:38I'm into Turkey.
06:39Well, you can't get turkeys in this part of Africa, sir.
06:41But that is the next best thing.
06:43Well, then.
06:44What is it?
06:44It's what we call the Oozalum Bird, sir.
06:49The Oozalum Bird, eh?
06:50You mean that creature that flies around
06:52and finally...
06:54Yes, sir.
06:55Well, I managed to catch it
06:57before it finished the trick.
06:58Well, it's damn good work, Thompson.
07:00Only the aid is missing, sir.
07:01Well, thank you very much.
07:03Well, Thompson.
07:04Yes, sir?
07:05You're the, uh, expert
07:06at the local lingo.
07:09What are those drums saying?
07:14Those drums, they say
07:16boom-titty-boom-titty-boom-titty-boom, sir.
07:19Exactly what I thought.
07:22Yeah, I'm good.
07:22Well, come along, everybody.
07:24Let's get started.
07:25Papa, are we not going to wait for Captain Dripping?
07:28Well, no, I...
07:29He might be quite a bit late, you know.
07:32After all, I sent him down to the native village
07:33with that consignment of, uh...
07:35saucepan lids.
07:37Saucepan lids?
07:38What are you for, Henry?
07:39Well, under our new policy
07:41of educating the local populace, you see,
07:43I have decreed that henceforward
07:45all women should, uh, cover their, uh...
07:49upper parts.
07:53You sound quite wise, Henry.
07:55He's very wise.
07:57After all, what else would I possibly do
07:59with ten grosses of saucepan lids, huh?
08:02But, Papa,
08:03how are they going to keep them in place?
08:05Are they?
08:06Well, uh, they could, uh, sort of, uh...
08:09well, stickle.
08:10Well, that's what you should have done
08:11with them in the first place.
08:13It would be impossible.
08:14Oh, please.
08:15Well, I've been a lot of anything so stupid.
08:20Henry,
08:21the natives are restless tonight.
08:23Really?
08:23What makes you think that, my dear?
08:25Oh, that screaming.
08:28What screaming?
08:29They're shots.
08:33Perhaps I just imagined it.
08:34I expect you did, my dear.
08:36Can you pass me another potato, please,
08:38would you know?
08:39The natives are revolting!
08:41The boggames and cameras are running off!
08:43It's horrible!
08:44Horrible!
08:46Captain Ribby!
08:47The dinner's getting cold.
08:48The dinner's getting cold.
08:49It's out there, my...
08:57I must apologise, ladies,
08:59for being a trifle late,
09:00but it was hell out there.
09:03I was lucky to get away with my life.
09:05Yes, well, we accept your apologies.
09:06Now, be a good chap
09:07and sit down and get on with it.
09:08Yes.
09:09Thank you, sir.
09:14You're right, sir.
09:16My dinner is getting cold.
09:22Don't you think we ought to do something?
09:25Yes.
09:26I think you're right, my dear.
09:28Compson!
09:29Sir!
09:32Take Captain Dripping's plate outside
09:33and warm it up, will you?
09:34Yes, sir!
09:35Ah!
09:40Virginia,
09:41pour up, uh, Captain What's-His-Name
09:43and a glass of wine, will you?
09:44Yes, Mr. Paul.
09:48Help!
09:54What's happened?
09:55Never mind, my dear.
09:58Funny things happen this time of year.
10:01That was a very bad year, in any case.
10:11Thank you very much, Thompson.
10:13Very nice.
10:14I'm afraid it's only half a portion, sir.
10:20Is it just like the rising of 1807?
10:24Your father and I were than that.
10:26Shocking it was.
10:27Shocking.
10:27Yes, Mother, you told us.
10:29More meat, Mother?
10:29No, thank you.
10:31Slaughtered all the men, they did.
10:32More meat, Fiona.
10:34Lashed at their bellies,
10:36tacked off their ears
10:37and shoved them in their mouths.
10:38No, thank you.
10:39I don't know.
10:41And wait till you hear
10:42what they did to all the women.
10:44Stuffing, Mother?
10:45For the lucky ones, yes.
11:03My God.
11:05What a lovely night.
11:06Look at those stars.
11:10Sir, sir, with your permission,
11:12might I go see what's going on out there?
11:14If you're interested, Dripping, yes.
11:22Well, Dripping?
11:23Oh, they...
11:23They appear to have the place
11:25absolutely surrounded.
11:28I see.
11:38What are you going to do, Henry?
11:41I've been saving this bottle of port
11:44for a special occasion.
11:46Oh.
11:47Oh, how very nice.
11:49And I have a feeling
11:50that this could very well be it.
11:56Now, come on, my dears.
11:58Be upstanding.
12:00Virginia,
12:01get your mother to her feet, Fiona,
12:02will you, dear?
12:03Henry, thank you.
12:04All face the portrait.
12:08And I give you all the toast
12:11to Her Majesty, Queen Victoria.
12:14The Queen!
12:15The Queen.
12:20You may smoke.
12:35Sir,
12:36I get in, dear.
12:38I see.
12:40You realise, of course,
12:41that we cannot allow the ladies
12:43to fall into their hands?
12:44No, of course not, sir.
12:46Shall I...
12:47Good Lord, no, no.
12:50My privilege.
12:55Loaded?
12:56No, sir.
12:57I've only had the small one.
13:02You realise, Fiona,
13:05what it is I have to do?
13:06Yes, Henry.
13:07Of course.
13:08Could we go into the bathroom?
13:10The carpet, you know.
13:13Very considerate of you, my dear.
13:15Take your mother with you, will you?
13:16Well, but I didn't say
13:17what they did to us in 1807
13:19wasn't enjoyable.
13:22It's the principle of the thing, Mother.
13:23Yes, Henry's right.
13:24Come along, dear.
13:30Virginia.
13:38May I have a moment
13:39to say goodbye to the captain?
13:40Very well.
13:42But don't keep tripping too long.
13:48Oh, Alistair,
13:49I love you.
13:50And I love you too, Virginia.
13:52Isn't it awful
13:53to think that we have
13:54never even had enough...
13:55I know, I know.
13:56I think of nothing else.
13:57Oh, Alistair,
13:58I've always been brought up
14:00to believe in death
14:01before dishonour.
14:02I know.
14:03But just this once,
14:05wouldn't it be all right
14:06if we could have it
14:07the other way around?
14:11Yes, but we'll have to be quick.
14:13Oh, yes.
14:17Captain Driven!
14:18Sir!
14:20Remember.
14:21Remember your position.
14:22Thank you, sir.
14:25Captain Driven!
14:26Sir, sir.
14:27Sir, sir.
14:27You'll forget yourself.
14:29I got carried away, sir,
14:30in the heat of the moment.
14:31I don't doubt it.
14:33But it's going to look
14:34dashed awkward
14:34on your conduct report.
14:35Oh, my God.
14:36Come, Virginia.
14:37Yes, Papa.
14:49Oh, Virginia!
14:51Goodbye!
14:53Carol,
14:54I'm here to pay for this.
14:55You'll fly!
14:56You'll buy it!
14:58Oh, Captain!
15:00Captain, stop firing, sir!
15:01Stop firing!
15:02I'm firing!
15:03I'm going to kill
15:04every one of those murderers.
15:05It's all right, sir.
15:06No, they didn't mean no harm.
15:07They're all very sorry, sir.
15:09Sorry!
15:09Sir!
15:09What?
15:11What are you saying, man?
15:12Well, they're all celebrating, sir.
15:14They're all very happy.
15:16Happy?
15:16Yes, sir.
15:17Because of the tin lids
15:18that you gave
15:19for the ladies, sir.
15:20Sir!
15:26Oh, Driven.
15:27Sir.
15:27You realise what it is
15:30that I've done?
15:31Yes, sir.
15:33How can I ever forgive myself?
15:37That bottle of port
15:39was 50 years old.
16:04The pudding is served.
16:25No, ladies and gentlemen,
16:27I calls upon
16:28Sir Francis Fiddler,
16:30master of the Queen's music,
16:32to tell us a tale.
16:37Well, ladies and gentlemen,
16:39it so happens
16:40that I've been working
16:41on a series of madrigals,
16:43which were first performed
16:44before Her Majesty
16:45Queen Elizabeth I,
16:47with somewhat
16:48unfortunate results.
17:00Pose, pose,
17:03take up your pose.
17:05In this quaint posture
17:07the painter has chose.
17:09For posterity
17:11in doublet and pose,
17:13we shall be painted,
17:15so take up your pose.
17:20Flume, flume,
17:22right up your flume.
17:24The chimney sweep's visit
17:26is long overdue.
17:28Coughing and choking
17:30with yards of bamboo.
17:32The chimney sweep's poking
17:34his brush up your flume.
17:39Balls, balls,
17:41banquets and balls.
17:43laughter and merriment
17:45filling the halls.
17:48There is no reason
17:49to sigh as snowfall.
17:52For now is the season
17:54for banquets and balls.
18:03And now we would like
18:05to sing for the madrigal
18:06commemorating that great day
18:08when His Gracious Majesty
18:10King Henry VIII
18:11was presented
18:12with the Palace
18:13of Hampton Court.
18:23On the river nearby Richmond
18:25rose an edifice fine
18:27And Woolsey said,
18:28Your Majesty,
18:28it shall be thine
18:30He made the king
18:31a present of this fine resort
18:33And that's how
18:35the madrigal
18:36is hampton called
18:38Oh, the ale
18:39and the wine did flow
18:41From the king
18:42under the mistletoe
18:44I can assure thee
18:46that none went short
18:48On the day
18:49Booking Harry
18:50got his hampton caught
18:54In the city
18:56your committee
18:56got a quick report
18:58They said
18:59it would be a pity
19:00for to miss such spot
19:02And so they did not tarry
19:04but the whole town brought
19:06To see Booking Harry
19:08with his hampton caught
19:10There we beheld
19:12his majesty
19:13Standing at the window
19:15for all to see
19:17Oh, how his royal subjects fought
19:21For a glimpse of King Harry
19:23with his hampton caught
19:27So he took his royal scepter
19:30for he loved a joke
19:31And he waved it out the window
19:33and the sash cord broke
19:34And Catherine McGarrigan
19:36was quite distraught
19:39On the day
19:40Booking Harry
19:41got his hampton caught
19:43Parliament issued
19:45a quick decree
19:47Setting up a trust fund
19:48immediately
19:49And the Chancellor
19:51of England
19:52lent the king
19:53his support
19:55on the day
19:57on the day
20:24Parliament's toilet
20:26Now, I was standing there
20:28just minding me own business
20:29Well, thank you very much
20:30Mr. Ferkin
20:30But what is the aim
20:31of all this?
20:32Aim?
20:33Well, I generally aim
20:34for that little badge
20:35under the making
20:35No, I mean
20:35the aim of the story
20:37Well, that's what
20:38I'm trying to tell you
20:39I was standing there
20:40looking at this
20:40religious story
20:41Ah, a religious one
20:43Oh, we'll enjoy that
20:44Mr. Ferkin
20:45I hope you do
20:49There once was a last name
20:51Miss Flickers
20:51who once went to tea
20:53at the vicars
20:53When he said a prayer
20:55at the start of the affair
20:56instead of amen
20:57she said
20:58Thank you again
20:59Mr. Ferkin
21:00I haven't finished yet
21:02You've missed the best bit
21:04For which we may be
21:05truly thankful
21:07There was this
21:08curious happening
21:09that befell
21:10this young lieutenant
21:11that served
21:12under me
21:13I beg your pardon
21:14Well, in a manner of speaking
21:17He was corresponding
21:20with this young woman
21:22who lived with a sister
21:23in this dark old house
21:25miles from anywhere
21:47Are you expecting someone?
21:49No
21:50No, I merely thought
21:52we might have tea
21:52Ringworm will bring the tea in
21:54when it is ready
21:55Esmeralda
21:56Well, when will that be, Harriet?
21:59When he has made it
22:11Sounds as if he's making it now
22:21Tea, Miss Harriet
22:22Thank you, Ringworm
22:26This letter arrived
22:27for Mrs. Esmeralda
22:29Why did you not give it to me
22:30earlier, Ringworm?
22:31Thank you, Ringworm
22:33But it is for me, Harriet
22:34It is my letter
22:35Do not be difficult
22:37I beg you, Esmeralda
22:38But it is my letter, Harriet
22:39Why are you so cruel?
22:41Why won't you give it to me?
22:42You know perfectly well why
22:43It's because of our
22:45problem
22:54Now see what you've done
22:56You've upset Ringworm
22:58I'm sorry
22:59Let be all, Miss Harriet
23:01I sincerely hope so
23:11It comes from Portsmouth
23:14Then he has written
23:15Who has written?
23:16A friend
23:17A Lieutenant Bangham
23:19of the Royal Navy
23:20He
23:21He
23:21I
23:23Yes, Esmeralda
23:24You what?
23:26I have invited him
23:27to spend Christmas with us
23:29You did what?
23:30Well, it's my house
23:31as well as yours
23:32You foolish, foolish girl
23:34Where did you meet this Bangham?
23:36We have
23:36We have never met
23:38We have
23:38We have merely corresponded
23:40Not supposing those things happen
23:43They won't
23:44They might
23:45He might see it
23:46He won't
23:47I won't let him
23:47You might not be able to help it
23:52It must be him now
23:53Come on
23:59Come on
23:59Come on
24:01Come on
24:01Come on
24:24Who shall I say is calling?
24:28Oh, just show them in, Ringworm.
24:33Why?
24:36Is it? Is it Lieutenant Bang?
24:39It is indeed, ma'am. How do you do?
24:41How do you do?
24:44May I present Lieutenant Trembler of the French Navy.
24:47I've taken the liberty of bringing him along with me.
24:50Lieutenant Rony Trembler of the French Navy.
24:55At your service.
24:57He is attached to our ship, and he had nowhere to spend Christmas.
25:01Oh, what ship are you off?
25:03HMS Newquay, ma'am.
25:04Yes, he is off the Newquay, but I am on it.
25:10Tell me, pray, which one of you ladies is Miss Esmeralda?
25:14I am, and you are to spend Christmas with us, no matter what.
25:18They may stay if they wish to, Esmeralda.
25:22Tell me, did you have a good trip down?
25:24Passable, ma'am, passable.
25:26It was somewhat hard, going over the cobbles.
25:29Yes, it was very hard on the cobblers.
25:34I beg your pardon?
25:35The cobblers, the round cobblers.
25:37I suppose you would have liked to show the bathroom where you could wash your hands.
25:40The bathroom? No, thank you, but I would like to have...
25:43Yes, he would.
25:43No, I badly need it.
25:44No, no, no, no. Rene, no, no, no.
25:46No, please.
25:48In England, we do not do that.
25:49No, but I want to do it.
25:51Rene, please, please.
25:52In England, we only go in there to wash our hands.
25:56Furious.
25:56In France, we wash our hands in the hand basin.
25:59Very well, I will show you the way.
26:01No, Esmeralda.
26:03I shall ring for the maid.
26:05I prefer you to remain here.
26:08As you say, Harriet.
26:09My sister is far from well.
26:12Oh, poor girl.
26:13I, too, am far from well.
26:14I have a touch of malaria.
26:16Oh, how distressing.
26:18Sometimes I shake so much, I cannot control my hands.
26:23You rang, miss?
26:25Show this gentleman the bathroom.
26:27Certainly, miss.
26:28Follow me, sir.
26:31I'm sorry, I have a touch of malaria.
26:33I cannot control my hands.
26:36In that case, you go first.
26:38Oh, yes.
26:40After you.
26:41Oh, thank you.
26:43Yes!
26:44Another time.
26:45A charming fellow.
26:47One of the best.
26:47I'm quite sure.
26:56My God!
26:59What was that?
27:00Nothing.
27:02But should we not go into who we investigated?
27:05No.
27:05You stay here.
27:07I shall investigate.
27:11Ah, Miss Esmeralda.
27:13Alone at last.
27:15Oh, Lieutenant.
27:16Call me Humphrey.
27:17Oh, Humphrey, I feel I am in terrible danger.
27:20So you wrote me in your letter.
27:21That is why I came.
27:22But I did not come unprepared.
27:26You see?
27:28In here, a brace of pistols.
27:33Also, a sextant.
27:37What are you doing, Lieutenant?
27:40Nothing, ma'am.
27:41I am merely showing her my instrument.
27:46Your what?
27:47My instrument, ma'am.
27:51When you raise it up...
27:57In the air...
27:58In the air...
28:00One can tell from its angle...
28:04One's exact position.
28:09Oh!
28:11Oh, how very useful.
28:14No sailor man should be without one.
28:17I would like you to go into the kitchen.
28:19Perkinson's assistance in preparing supper.
28:21Yes, Harriet.
28:23I will see you later, Humphrey.
28:25Don't be too sure of that.
28:28Remember our problem.
28:34But, Harriet!
28:37Another touch of malaria.
28:40Gentlemen, come closer, please.
28:41Oh, closer.
28:42Of course, Madam Madeline.
28:44Give me much pleasure.
28:46Yes, sir.
28:46That's quite close enough.
28:47Sit down, please.
28:50Now, gentlemen.
28:51I do not wish to alarm you.
28:53But I think it would be wise...
28:55...if you did not stay in this house.
28:58Why, Mum?
28:58Well, it's no good concealing, the fact.
29:02To put it bluntly, we are...
29:05Yes?
29:06Haunted.
29:11Haunted?
29:13Haunted.
29:14Mon Dieu.
29:21There are things in this house...
29:24...which watch our...
29:26...every movement.
29:31...every movement.
29:33Every movement.
29:34Every movement.
29:42Can't you feel it?
29:44Oh, yes, certainly.
29:45It's marvelous.
29:48Me also.
29:52Something extraordinary is watching us.
30:02Matt!
30:03I have not yet told you the worst.
30:06No?
30:07No.
30:07At midnight, rise the headless huntsman.
30:16The headless huntsman?
30:17Oh, yes, it's a dreadful apparition.
30:20He rides up to the door, dismounts, and sounds his hunting horn.
30:25That is very curious.
30:27Why?
30:28Well, if he has no head, how does he sound the horn?
30:32That opens up a field of considerable speculation.
30:38Wait, wait.
30:38I have it.
30:39Then keep it to yourself.
30:41No, no.
30:41Perhaps a horn is blown by the horse for him.
30:47Well, I must be going.
30:50But remember, gentlemen, you have been warned.
31:02Esmerelda was right.
31:07She's in great danger.
31:08We are all in great danger.
31:16Did you?
31:17But yes.
31:31There's no one in there.
31:32But wait, wait.
31:34There may be a very small man in there.
31:37Drop this bell in, we shall see.
31:56Midnight.
32:01Midnight.
32:30Was he there?
32:32No.
32:34But his horse was.
32:37We must all leave this house immediately.
32:40But why?
32:41Because of the legend.
32:42The legend!
32:44They would hear the huntsman's horn must surely perish for the dawn.
32:49Yes, he who hears them dreadful sounds shall hang himself unless he drowns.
32:55We've all seen it and heard it, every one of us.
32:58Yes, we've all heard the horn.
33:00I see.
33:02Yes, then what does not end up dead goes completely off his head.
33:09Our only chance is the last verse.
33:12The last verse?
33:13They who would escape this dreadful nemesis must this second leave the premises.
33:19I'll go and pack.
33:20We must flee.
33:21We leave this house at once.
33:23No!
33:23Wait.
33:29There is no need.
33:31There, ladies, is your headless huntsman.
33:34Ringworm?
33:35Not Ringworm, but Charles Burt, the body snatcher.
33:38But that's impossible.
33:40We have seen his testimonials.
33:44Then allow me to show you his coconuts.
33:48Whoa!
33:52By merely knocking his knees together, he could produce the sound of horse's hooves.
33:56Go.
33:58That's enough, thank you.
34:00You would have been frightened and left your house, which he then would have proceeded to have plundered.
34:04Just a moment.
34:05I know you.
34:06You're Inspector Nicker of the yard.
34:09Oh, Inspector Nicker.
34:10How can we ever thank you enough?
34:12There is no need, ma'am.
34:13I shall now depart with my prisoner.
34:15Oh, no, you mustn't.
34:16Please stay with us over the holidays, Inspector Nicker.
34:19No, no, my dear.
34:20You, off to the Black Mariah.
34:23And close the door after you, scum.
34:25Sorry.
34:28Well, the mystery is solved.
34:30The prisoner has gone to justice.
34:32And as for me...
34:35Yes?
34:36Nicker's off for Christmas.
34:37Whoa!
35:03And now, for our final tale of the evening...
35:07I call upon that esteemed theatrical actress, a lady who throughout the years has given
35:13us all great pleasure with our various parts, in a manner of speaking, Miss Molly Coddle.
35:25Thank you, my dear, dear friends, bless you, thank you.
35:28Well this evening I would like to tell you about a revolutionary new form of drama in
35:35which I have lately become interested. It is called pantomime, and it is peculiar in
35:43that some of the ladies' parts are taken by men, and vice versa.
35:48That sounds very queer.
35:51Yes, well, it is rather confusing, I can tell you. For instance, in the one in which I am
35:56now appearing, which is called Aladdin, I play the part of the Fairy Queen, the female one,
36:14panto time is here once more. That glittering, sparkling, crashing bore that keeps little
36:24children happily amused while mum's at the bingo and dad's on the booze. And so, with a wave
36:32wave of my magic wand, I'll waft you all to Fairyland.
36:55Aladdin! Aladdin! Aladdin! Where is that lady, shiftless lad? It really is too flaming bad. The way he leaves me
37:06on me
37:07to do the work the little. Aladdin!
37:13The lady calling for her son is the widow woman, hole-in-one. Her husband is a golf instructor.
37:23Which is a very honourable profession to be sure, but one very difficult to find an acceptable rhyme for.
37:29Yoo-hoo! A butterfly!
37:35That's Hanky Poo, I betcha. Pekin's most illustrious lecture. He always comes round here on Mondays for me to wash
37:42his dirty undies. I don't mind that, but what I hates, he expects me to do it while he waits.
37:50And how's my favourite girl today? Fine, just take your hand away. Come, don't tease your saucy minx. Blimey, how
37:58his technique stinks.
38:00Come, show a bit of common sense. Oh, he needs the ring of confidence. Why get yourself in such a
38:06lather? What's wrong with a bit about your father?
38:10Oh, Mama, what's all this caper? I do believe he's going to rape her. Yes, you have come in time
38:17to scotch it.
38:18Well, carry on, I'd like to watch it. Ah!
38:21Oh, what a monster I have mothered. His dad was right, he should have been smothered. Roaming the streets day
38:28and night. He's visiting clubs, it isn't right.
38:30Oh, no, no. Oh, Ma, I only like to get out and see things.
38:33Yes, like strippers popping out of G-strings. Oh, how can a woman brought up in piety live in such
38:41a permissive society? Scrimping, scraping, hoping, praying.
38:46Talking of praying, as I was saying, I've mummy in my person more. Why didn't you mention this before?
38:52I mean, I'm not a sort of man to quibble. I'd give a lot for a little nibble. You would?
38:58Well, come inside. I think I've got something cooking. Here, do you like salmon?
39:04Do I like salmon?
39:06Well, there is no salmon, but...
39:09There's a place for us. A time and place for us. After you.
39:21And so, their fish they soon were tackling, followed by a piece of crackling.
39:28But who is this so big and tough?
39:31Go dark and soaking.
39:33That's quite enough.
39:35But oh, he looks so sad and tragic. I know. I'll help him with my magic.
39:45Even the props don't work. It's too much, you know.
39:49Hear ye, hear ye, hear my cry. Princess Yo-Yo draweth nigh.
39:57Blessed of heaven, star of night. Provider of plenty, supplier of light.
40:04Child of beauty, daughter of fiver. All in all, a right little rival.
40:16Make way for the palanquin of the most illustrious daughter of the Mandarin hanky-poo.
40:23The princess, Yo-Yo.
40:38How beautiful she is and agile. Like eggshell china, slim and fragile. Her loveliness surpassed by no rules. I've always
40:47wanted to play with yo-yos.
40:50Young man, I wonder, can you aid me? I'm looking for the lad who laid me.
40:54Not me. I'm not the one you're seeking.
40:56Oh, please, let me finish speaking. The one who laid me down some kitchen lino and lives near here as
41:02far as I know.
41:03One who, despite my obvious beauty, didn't try and get all smoochy.
41:06Oh, that was me, still young and raw. I didn't know what it was for.
41:11So, you're the one. My, how he's grown. Those sturdy thighs, that swelling chest, those bulging muscles and the rest.
41:19If they liked that he had been made, there wouldn't have been much lino laid.
41:24Can it be that she's so fickle I've missed the chance for slap and tickle?
41:28You're wondering why I came to find you.
41:29Yes.
41:30Because you left this lamp behind you.
41:32Oh, is that all? Then you didn't come to thank me.
41:38Thank you? What for?
41:40Well, I made your footstool and sent it to the palace.
41:43Oh, it was a beautiful stool.
41:45Yes. If you remember, you wanted a maid of oak, but I couldn't get any oak.
41:50No, so...
41:52It had to be you. It had to be...
42:00Thus, seeing that their love was hopeless, she left him desolate and gropeless.
42:08But in all, her youthful wooer had in his hand the means to do her.
42:13The lamp, it needed but one rub, and she'd be in the pudding club.
42:37Oh, my, what is this dreadful spectre? Can it be the tax inspector?
42:42Oh, no. You may think this rather can, but I'm the genie of the lamp.
42:47Better known everywhere as the genie with the light brown hair.
42:53Oh, I know not what a genie be, so what do I call you, he or she?
42:57You may think this is rather feckless, but we genies are quite, quite sexless.
43:03To hear this answer, I can't wait. Then how do genies procreate?
43:08You'll find this rather hard to believe, and how we do it I can't conceive.
43:12But we increase our population entirely without...
43:16Well, shall I just say so? Shall I just say so?
43:20Well, all I can say is you may not have guessed it, but you've been leaving out the best bit.
43:25Oh, shoe repairers. I come here not to bendy words about the habits of the bees and birds.
43:33I come to grant you the wish you're seeking and make you the richest girl in Peking.
43:38Oh, I'm not a girl. You must be mistaken.
43:41If you're not a girl, you must be grossly misshapen.
43:44I'm very much afraid that we mystics aren't used to boys with such vital statistics.
43:49Oh, that's why boys are always so.
43:52Well, you've got to have boobs in every show.
43:54Well, we must press on.
43:56I'm my magic powers invoked, and we shall disappear in a puff of smoke.
44:05And using his most potent spell, he took Aladdin down to hell.
44:10An odd direction, you might say.
44:13But in China, they all go that way.
44:17So crude, isn't it?
44:22No way!
44:23Well, it's a mess.
44:24No way!
44:52Oh, my, what is this dreadful cavity?
44:55That looks just like an underground lavati.
44:59Why, it's just the home of the Demon King.
45:01It's all you can find, poor old thing.
45:11Fee-hee-hee!
45:13Fee-fee-fee-foe-fum.
45:15I smell the blood of an Englishman.
45:19Wrong pantomime.
45:21Of course it was. That was last year.
45:23what mortals are these who dare to invade the dreaded regions of the king of the underworld
45:30that doesn't mind oh we can't speak in verse anymore for our thing why not well he's had the
45:38what operation
45:40and why does he keep on laughing like that he's at a very funny time of
45:46speak i say or i will
45:57speak i say or i will summon the powers of darkness and reduce you get off to ashes
46:03oh don't be such a meanie it's only me your favorite genie good gracious me so oh i say
46:09i see you've got yourself a piece of crackling it's not a girl his name's aladdin well with all
46:15that uh well it must be padding yeah i see i've heard about chaps like that i won't have them
46:21down here i know it's hell but we're not that queer all right well we'll be leaving you soon
46:27if you were granting just one boon grant a boon you dare to bring that crazy mixed up kid down
46:34here and say grant a boon from me the king of the whole damned underworld yes dear
46:43yes dear it's it's all right dear i'm only having a chat with genie and his friend
46:47well stop wasting time and come in here the furnace is going out uh yes dear right away i'll have
46:52to go
46:52i can't what am i going to do with this thing sir
46:57sorry yes what were i doing dad don't do that
47:00sir in answer to your question may i make a small suggestion no need for it to be a lumber
47:07why don't you stick it up your jumper how do you mean like this oh what a good idea it
47:18works for
47:18that i'll grant you your boon what is it you wish oh thank you sir i only want witches so
47:24i can marry
47:25the girl i wishes very well i shall cast a spell
47:39you're right jokes i don't know what it is i've been spellbound all day long
47:44all powers of darkness grant us what we want
47:53it's not what i want it's what he wants oh i don't know though
47:59yes dear coming dear oh powers of darkness grant him his wishes
48:15yes
48:23if there's a moral to this tale it's by your lava lamp as well
48:29and you'll live happily after ever for you'll both have things to rub together
48:36no
48:37no
48:46no
48:48no
48:50no
48:50no
48:52no
48:52no
49:09It's all very well, but when you said you wanted to give it to me, I thought you made my
49:12present.
49:23It's all very well, it's all very well.
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