02. The Thirteenth Reunion.

deaddogsdam

First broadcast 20th September 1980.  Ruth, a reporter for the women's section of a newspaper, participates in a weight-loss course with a hidden secret behind it.  Julia Foster - Ruth Dinah Sheridan - Gwen Richard Pearson - Sir Humphrey Chesterton Norman Bird - Basil George Innes - Cedric James Cosmo - Willis (as James Cosmos) Warren Clarke - Ben Gerard Kelly - Andrew (as Gerrard Kelly) Michael Latimer - Dr. Bradley Barbara Keogh - Joan Paula Jacobs - Joyce Roger Ostime - The Butler Peter Dean - Charlie John Louis Mansi - Rossi (as Louis Mansi) Kevin Stoney - Rothwell Andrew Andreas - Waiter Walter Henry - Security Guard Laurie Rose - Slimmer Pam Rose - Nurse John Smart - Vicar

Transcript

00:26What's the damage?

00:29Contusions on the chest and arms, slight bruising on the lower abdomen, otherwise it's not a mark.

00:41Splendid.

01:16Hi.

01:17Morning, Ruth.

01:18Hey, stop.

01:19Turn around.

01:22You're overweight.

01:25So, what's new?

01:27How do you like to start fighting the flab?

01:29So long as it doesn't involve any exercise or cutting down on any of my food.

01:33All it involves is a large dose of masochism.

01:37Listen to this.

01:38Dear Gwen, I've just completed a ten-week course with a new weight-reducing organisation called Think Thin.

01:44Physically, it was a success.

01:46I lost nearly a stone and a half, but at what a price.

01:49The technique they used destroyed all your self-confidence, and I'm sure it could turn someone with a mental or

01:55psychological problem into a nervous wreck.

01:57Why don't you get one of your reporters to take the course?

02:01It'd make an interesting article and you'd be doing a public service.

02:05Well?

02:06Oh, great.

02:08The assignment of the year.

02:10And what made you think of little old me?

02:12Not so little.

02:14That's why I'm offering you a world exclusive.

02:16Well, why don't you get one of the fellas to go?

02:18They're more overweight than I am.

02:21This is the women's page, lovey, and our readers are not interested in overweight men.

02:26They're interested in themselves and new ways of keeping slim, young and beautiful.

02:30Well, I don't know why we have a women's page.

02:32We don't have a men's page.

02:34I mean, how are we going to get rid of sexism in this country if even Fleet Street think that

02:38women are self-centred morons with no minds of their own?

02:41Ours not to reason why, ours just to increase the female readership of the paper.

02:46Yes, well, I'd like to write about the real world for a change.

02:49You know, the real heartaches, the shocks that flesh is air to.

02:53Oh, it's just that I am fed up with fashion shows and potted plants and perfect kitchens.

02:59Ruth!

03:01You can't go walking about with Epping Forest on your shoulder.

03:04If you want to be independent, then resign and write a bestseller.

03:11Well, do you have any background stuff on this place?

03:14Not much.

03:16It's based at the Chesterton Clinic.

03:18Mm-hm.

03:18So, presumably, it's funded by the same foundation.

03:21Chesterton?

03:22Do you know who runs it?

03:23A man called Willis.

03:26Willis.

03:26Used to be a PE teacher at a South London Comprehensive.

03:29Six months after he resigned, he emerged as the director of Think Thin.

03:34How long do I have to stick with this?

03:36As long as you can.

03:37I suggest you do some short interim reports and they will do a big spread when you're finished.

03:42Right?

03:42Okay.

03:44Oh, Ruth!

03:45Get Roland to get a shot of you each week so that the readers can follow your progress.

03:49Progress?

03:51Why do you skeletons assume that cutting everybody down to your size is progress?

03:55I'm with Caesar.

03:57Let me have men that are fat.

04:14Just taken a call.

04:16Another big one coming in soon.

04:19Clean bill of health?

04:20Of course.

04:22How old?

04:23Late twenties.

04:25Shame.

04:27Those whom the gods love, eh?

04:28Shh, Dork.

05:14Look at her everybody! Isn't she fat? Isn't she ugly? Isn't she repulsive? You ought to

05:22be ashamed to be seen in public, Joyce. You should bury yourself up to the neck in sand.

05:28Look, you weren't always like that. A slim young girl without an ounce of surplus fat.

05:33You put on all that weight through sheer self-indulgence. You like looking so unattractive, Joyce.

05:41You enjoy making men turn away in disgust. Then what makes you so greedy?

05:47What makes you stuff your face with starchy foods all day?

05:51I don't know. Boredom, I suppose.

05:54Boredom! What have you got to be bored about, Joyce? You say you love your husband, you love your children.

06:00Yes, but they're always away. I'm lonely.

06:05Well, do something about it, you stupid cow!

06:08Start jogging! Start a crash, a political party, anything to take your mind off your guts!

06:16Have you looked in the middle lately? Yeah. That is why your husband stays out late at the office.

06:21We've got the moment when he's got to come back to a quivering mountain of fat!

06:34Soaring, Joyce. Soaring. Here. I'll see if you've got the message. Off you go.

06:43Right. Ben, stand up and be counted.

06:55Well, what do you think, folks? A slight improvement.

06:59I think I can see an image of the slim inner male there.

07:02How much have you lost, Ben?

07:05I haven't. As a matter of fact, I've gained a couple of pounds.

07:08Well, it doesn't show. You're thinking thin. Now, that's important. Congratulations, Ben.

07:19Right. We've got a first-time fatty with us tonight. Would you like to come forward, Ruth?

07:26You got that photograph?

07:32Yes. As I thought. Nothing congenital about your condition, is there?

07:38No.

07:39Well, you're going to have to pull yourself together, young lady. Start counting the calories.

07:43Because if you don't, you will be as big as a house at the time you're forty.

07:57What is this? Are you striking a blow for fatty's lip?

08:02Well, it's his orders.

08:03You're joking.

08:04It's true. He told me after the class to have a big blowout tonight.

08:08That's carrying the snobbery a bit far.

08:11He says I'm a special case. I've been on a protein and citrus fruit diet for two weeks now.

08:16And I've hardly lost any weight at all. So Willis suggested I take in some extra fat to give the

08:21citrus juice something to work on.

08:22Oh, and he's given me a pill to take afterwards to speed up my metabolism.

08:26Sounds crazy to me. But then half these diets are so far out, they sound as if they were thought

08:31up on April Fool's Day.

08:33You know, some freak wrote to us and said that she'd lost two stone on potatoes and ice cream.

08:38You get many freak letters at the paper?

08:39Mmm, sack rolls. Mainly about sex. Today is the age of anxiety with just about everyone feeling inadequate.

08:47Yes. And I'm no exception.

08:51Why? Because your marriage failed?

08:54Partly. And partly because I seem to bore people. I'm expecting your eyes to glaze over long before we come

09:01to the coffee.

09:01You want me to wear dark glasses?

09:03Wouldn't do any good. I'd be imagining the boredom even if it wasn't there.

09:21You're something in the city, right?

09:23I'm a merchant banker.

09:25Oh, have I struck gold? How about a loan?

09:28Certainly. There's just one proviso.

09:30What's that?

09:31It'd have to be at least half a million. Otherwise, it's not worth the paperwork.

09:35And I thought the country was supposed to be on its uppers.

09:41Tell me something, Ruth.

09:42Mm?

09:43Is your, um, coast clear, men-wise?

09:51My coast is so clear you can see right down to the seabed.

09:54And there's only a couple of wrecks down there.

09:56Good.

09:58And how about your coast, woman-wise?

10:03Hasn't been a vessel in sight for over a year.

10:06Sounds idyllic.

10:08I just love uninhabited islands.

10:30Thanks, Ruth.

10:32What for?

10:33Not glazing over.

10:35Don't knock yourself.

10:37You're more special than you think.

10:40I'll walk you to your car.

10:47Okay.

10:49Oh.

10:50I hope Willis knows what he's doing.

10:52I feel absolutely bloated.

10:54Do you?

10:55Do you know what he asked me at my interview?

10:57He asked whether I'd ever suffered from food poisoning.

10:59Yes.

11:00He asked me that, too.

11:02It's rather odd, I thought.

11:03Hmm.

11:04Perhaps it's dangerous for somebody who's suffered from Salmanilla.

11:07Might bring it on again or something.

11:09Perhaps.

11:12Well?

11:15Well?

11:29Well, that wasn't boring at all.

11:33May I phone you?

11:36Give me your hand.

11:37Yes.

11:48What's that?

11:50My phone number.

12:01Hi.

12:14Roger.

12:15Here at the house.

12:15See you.Sn

12:15bi.

14:49How did you get my number?

14:51It was written on his hand.

14:52You know where we can get in touch with his next of kin?

14:56No.

14:58No.

14:59No, I'm sorry. I don't.

15:03No.

15:05No.

15:12No.

15:15No.

15:18No.

15:20No.

15:21No.

15:22No.

15:24No.

15:30No.

15:33No.

15:35No.

15:52Excuse me, are you a reporter?

15:54Yes.

15:55Could I have a word with you?

15:57What about?

15:59I don't mean here.

16:01Later, somewhere private.

16:03Now listen, Andrew.

16:04Before you say another word, I write for the woman's page.

16:08And frankly, stories about funeral directors don't make ladies' hearts go pitter-patter.

16:12It doesn't matter. I've just got to talk to somebody.

16:15Okay.

16:17That man who died, was he a friend or a relation?

16:21A friend?

16:23Was he big?

16:25Or on the plump side?

16:27Well, you handled his funeral. You must have seen him.

16:29No. They wouldn't let me.

16:32Who wouldn't?

16:33The bosses. Mr. Basil and Mr. Cedric.

16:36Why not?

16:38They just said they wanted to dress this particular corpse themselves.

16:42But that is usually your job?

16:44One of them, yes.

16:45There used to be another man, but he retired.

16:47Now that's just me.

16:50Now, wait a minute. Let me get this straight.

16:55You say you didn't see the body.

16:57No.

16:57So how did you know that he was on the plump side?

16:59Sorry.

17:00I heard them talking.

17:02Mr. Cedric told Mr. Basil that there was another big one coming in.

17:06Another big one?

17:07Yes.

17:07That started me thinking.

17:09You see, the same thing happened about, oh, six months ago.

17:13There was a body they wouldn't let you see?

17:15Yes.

17:16Only that time I did see it.

17:18I sneaked into the refrigeration room while they were out.

17:20Why?

17:21I don't know.

17:22I suppose I thought it might be somebody famous.

17:25Somebody who wasn't supposed to be dead.

17:26Oh, was it?

17:27No.

17:28But he was fat.

17:29And it looked as if he'd been in a car accident.

17:32So, two fat men are killed on the road in six months.

17:36I don't see that it's anything to get so screwed up about.

17:39Okay, okay, listen.

17:41Do you know why we handled your friend's funeral?

17:43Because Mr. Cedric just happened to be driving along the same road after he crashed.

17:48Another man?

17:49It was Mr. Basil who found the body after his crash.

17:54Coincidence, it must be.

17:55No.

17:56I think there's something funny going on.

17:58You think they're trying to increase their turnover by faking accidents?

18:03Look, if that's what you suspect, why did you go to the police?

18:07I've no proof.

18:09Anyway, they think it was Annette.

18:11Just like you do.

18:13No, Andrew, I don't think that.

18:16It's just I don't know how I can help.

18:18You can be a witness.

18:21Witness?

18:22That coffin's not been buried, you know.

18:24It's been taken to a family of all about two miles away.

18:27I plan to break in tonight and open it.

18:29You can tell me if it's your friend.

18:32You mean you think it won't be?

18:33I'm not sure.

18:35All I know is I won't be able to rest until I know that everything's okay.

18:48You realise you'll be committing a crime?

18:50Of course.

18:51I know the law.

18:52And that I'd be an accessory.

18:53Please yourself.

18:55I'll do it on my own if I have to.

18:58I'll bring some garlic.

19:00Dracula might try and turn us into the undead.

19:18Come on.

19:19I'll do it on my own.

20:03I thought I heard someone. Outside.

20:08Maybe a Stagula.

20:10That doesn't sound so funny in here.

20:35Why is he bandaged up like that?

20:37Search me. We usually dress them in the best clothes.

20:41What are you doing?

20:42We came here to make a check, didn't we?

20:45No!

20:45Please!

20:46It's only a body. Your mates get no further use for it.

20:49I don't think he'd care.

20:50I care.

20:52With desecration.

20:53If you don't fancy it, don't look.

20:54I don't think he'd care.

21:50I don't think he'd care.

21:53Do you want to get in?

21:54Oh, of course.

21:55I have keys.

21:56I had some duplicates made when I started to get suspicious.

22:00Do you want to wait here, yes?

22:01No.

22:01No, no.

22:02I'll come with you.

22:03Are you sure?

22:04Some people, they can't take it in there.

22:06No, I'm sure they can't.

27:46You're looking for me, Miss Keynes?

27:47No.

27:48Yes.

27:49Yes, I wanted a word with him.

27:51What about?

27:52I hope you're not going to give up your classes.

27:53I don't know.

27:54I don't know yet.

27:55Is there somewhere we could talk?

28:12Well?

28:12I don't know.

28:14I may be being stupid, but...

28:17What?

28:18Ben Faraday.

28:20Yes.

28:22Why did you encourage him to go on stuffing himself with food?

28:25Well, it was part of his prescribed treatment.

28:27Well, it was part of his prescribed treatment.

28:27Well, who prescribed it?

28:28You?

28:29The doctors.

28:30And the pill that you gave him.

28:31To speed up his metabolism, I believe you told him.

28:33Well, that's what they told me.

28:35I'm afraid I'm no scientist, Miss Keynes.

28:37I couldn't tell you what was in the pill or how it worked.

28:39Even if I could, I don't know that I should tell you.

28:42I'm really sorry about Ben, but these secrets belong to the clinic.

28:45The clinic pays my wages.

28:47I'm just a PE instructor.

28:59It's perfectly in order.

29:00The usual amount.

29:01The usual amount.

29:04Another satisfactory transaction.

29:06On both sides.

29:08I'll be in touch when we need further supplies.

29:12We may be forced to increase our prices, Mr. Rothwell, if the frequency goes on increasing.

29:19Well?

29:21Cost of living.

29:23You understand?

29:24In a manner of speaking, sir.

29:27And the risks involved?

29:30Very well.

29:32Shall we say an extra 5%?

29:36Of course, if we knew the exact purpose you require them for.

29:4010%.

29:44Thank you, Mr. Rothwell.

29:45As long as you're satisfied with the service we provide.

29:49We have no complaints.

29:51I shall be in touch.

29:53Good.

29:55Good.

29:56Good.

29:59Good.

30:02Goodbye, Mr. Rothwell.

30:04Until the next time.

30:14Rothwell.

30:16We may have a problem.

30:17Since the series of successful heart transplant operations, which first brought the Chesterton

30:22into the public eye, a team of surgeons and technicians

30:25has been conducting experiments into the replacement of damaged limbs,

30:29and a spokesman announced recently that he believed it would not be long

30:33before the bionic man became a reality.

30:37Limb transplants.

30:39So, Doctor, what do you think?

30:4120th century body snatchers.

30:43Shades of Birken hair.

30:50I'm sure Andrew's right.

30:52There is something funny going on.

30:55Look, I would like to follow it up.

30:57But it isn't our territory.

30:59And even if you do come up with a story,

31:01the big white chief will probably take it away from you.

31:03Well, I shall resign.

31:05And I shall write the bestseller.

31:10OK.

31:11I think you deserve a shot at it.

31:15Doctor, I shall need a referral letter.

31:17Oh, yes.

31:20It's intermittent claudication of the left leg.

31:23Hmm?

31:24That's your trouble.

31:26Oh.

31:28The condition has been deteriorating considerably

31:31during the last six months.

31:32I shall recommend a vein transplant.

31:45Chesterton Clinic?

31:46No.

31:47Never heard of it.

31:48Are you sure?

31:49Was there nothing in the diaries?

31:50No, I'm quite sure.

31:52Well, there obviously is a connection.

31:54It looks to me as if the Chesterton Trust

31:56has come to some kind of secret deal with your bosses.

32:00What?

32:01To supply them with arms and legs, do you mean?

32:04Hmm.

32:06It's quite creepy.

32:08It's a nasty racket.

32:10I think it ought to be exposed.

32:12You plan to suss it out there in this clinic?

32:15I'm going to try and get myself admitted as a patient.

32:18Now, if I discover any concrete evidence,

32:19I'm not going to hang around there.

32:21What I'll do is I'll check myself out

32:23and I'll come and find you

32:24and then we can go to the police together.

32:26OK?

32:27OK.

32:28I've got three jobs on tomorrow,

32:30so I'll be working late tonight.

32:32I should be here till about 11 o'clock,

32:34if you need me.

32:36Right.

32:37Right.

32:46By the way, I'd be careful if I were you.

32:48If they really did fix up those accidents,

32:50they wouldn't think twice about fixing yours.

32:52Well, if they do, Andrew,

32:53I expect you to give me a royal send-off.

33:10How old are you, Ms. Cairns?

33:11I'm 29.

33:13How far can you walk without pain?

33:15Not very far.

33:17By the time I get home in the evenings,

33:18the leg is throbbing away like mad.

33:21You would actually think, sir, a vein transplant might be appropriate.

33:26Can you explain what that involves?

33:28I believe it means replacing the defective artery with a vein from the other leg.

33:34That's right.

33:35If you have a blockage which is causing circulatory problems, it can be very serious.

33:41Not long ago, we'd have had it amputated.

33:43Nowadays, we can offer a less drastic alternative.

33:47Good for you.

33:50Why on the couch? Let's have a look at you.

33:53Right.

33:56Dr. Bradley.

33:58I don't believe he's referred a patient to us before.

34:01Well, he certainly seemed to know all about you.

34:04Said you were way ahead of the rest of the field.

34:08Your GP, is he?

34:10Yes.

34:11He's also a medical correspondent on the newspaper that I work for.

34:15Diagnosis by proxy.

34:17I'm not sure I approve of that.

34:18He doesn't give instant answers.

34:20If somebody has a specific problem, he tells them to go to their own doctor.

34:24Sensible Fallon.

34:25Would you stand up, please?

34:26Yes.

34:33That hand?

34:35Yes.

34:36What about that?

34:38I...

34:40We'll have to take some tests, Miss Cairns.

34:45How soon could you come in?

34:48How soon could you take me?

34:51Good night.

34:51We'll dive right.

34:55Tenth eight.

35:21I'll put some tests on the screen.

45:02Cheers.

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