- 4 hours ago
First broadcast 17th January 2014.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Liza Tarbuck
Sandi Toksvig
Susan Calman
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Liza Tarbuck
Sandi Toksvig
Susan Calman
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hello. Evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
00:03Welcome to QI.
00:04Tonight, we'll be covering a kaleidoscope of K-topics.
00:07My co-pilots on this kamikaze caper are the keen-eyed Sandy Totsvig.
00:17The kick-ass Lisa Tarbuck.
00:24The knee-high Susan Kalman.
00:31And the knave, very voluble, Alan Davis.
00:38And the buzzers today are kaleidoscopically colourful.
00:41Sandy goes...
00:43Yellow is the colour of my true love skin.
00:48Lisa goes...
00:49Green is the colour of the sparkling corn.
00:55Susan goes...
00:56Blue is the colour of the sky.
01:01And Alan goes...
01:04We'll drink a drink a drink a light.
01:07We'll drink a drink the saviour of the human race.
01:13It's like an old people's home, isn't it?
01:16You have your cocoa in a minute.
01:19Yes.
01:20It's only for an hour.
01:23It's like an old people's home, it's like a Nazi rally.
01:29That's how they used to warm up.
01:32Well, now we'd better get on with our...
01:35Erste frage, our first question, which is about your kin.
01:39Your kin and kindred.
01:40Do you know what your relatives smell like?
01:43My grandmother used to smell of lily of the valley.
01:44Nobody smells of lily of the valley anymore.
01:46That was very common.
01:47It was very popular, wasn't it?
01:48Grandmothers don't smell the same at all now, do they?
01:50They used to smell faintly of mints.
01:53And a Montiado sherry?
01:55Yes.
01:55Oh, yes.
01:56Just the one.
01:56Just the one, dear.
01:59Just the one, dear.
01:59Bailey's.
02:01Bailey's.
02:02Bailey's.
02:03Around the inside of the glass with her finger.
02:05Oh, my goodness.
02:07That's one.
02:07My grand used to be a perfume called Tramp.
02:10Really?
02:12Tramp, and the advert for Tramp is a young lady who, she knows what she wants, and that's
02:18to be called a tramp, apparently, in the 1970s, and she wanders through a market, and all
02:22these guys are like, hey, and she's like, I'm a tramp.
02:24It was a nightclub.
02:26It was a nightclub in Germany.
02:28Tramp or Charlie.
02:29Charlie.
02:30I can remember, I can remember Benny Hill doing a monologue about going to one of those
02:34King's Road.
02:35It was a den of inequality, and it was, he said, it was full of kinky boots and underwear,
02:39and he said, I could smell her Charlie across the room.
02:43There's some reason, how, so Benny Hill, I mean, it was a perfume, you're just so wrong.
02:49Because men used to smell of Old Spice, didn't they?
02:51Yeah, the dad smelled of Old Spice, and wave, rolling waves.
02:55Brute, brute, yes.
02:55Paul Abbott once wrote a line in something I did for him, which said, as our characters
03:01went into my parents' house, the last line was, don't say anything about the smell, which
03:06was really fascinating, because it really suddenly three-deeds.
03:09Makes you think of it.
03:10Absolutely.
03:11And I thought it was just that line of genius that he's very good at.
03:14That is very, very good, isn't it?
03:16Very good.
03:16Well, in fact, it takes, yeah.
03:17I know the smell of my children anywhere.
03:19We're my own children.
03:20Yeah.
03:20Well, that's the interesting point.
03:21It seems that a lot of members of the animal kingdom do, for very good reasons.
03:25I was sat on quite a lot, by my...
03:27So you'd think it would ring a bell?
03:29For my older brother, in order to incapacitate me.
03:32Right.
03:32During disputes.
03:35So deeply put.
03:36And there's a certain aroma that I think, like, how powerful the olfactory memory can
03:42be.
03:42Well, it is the most powerful.
03:43If it returned, if he sat on me today...
03:45You'd know.
03:46I'd be thrown back to 1973.
03:48Thank you for it.
03:50Well, it does seem you're absolutely right.
03:52And if you think of an evolutionary or ecological reason why you might need to know what...
03:57Well, I just...
03:58You would not want to mate with your cousin, for example.
04:00You wouldn't want to shag your own close relatives.
04:14So you'd want to have...
04:15Say, I must not shag my mother.
04:17But in other mammals, they might not see their father, for example.
04:21The mouse lemur, which is one of the cutest little things on the Madagascan mouse lemur,
04:25is reared exclusively by its mother, but it can recognise its father's smell and avoid shagging him.
04:31And butterflies have incredibly keen senses of smell, can smell mates from a huge distance
04:35away.
04:36But if they're inbred, they have fewer sex pheromones, it seems.
04:39Don't they say that as well, when you're getting together with somebody, that part of the reason
04:43that you get on well is that you enjoy each other's smells?
04:47It seems so.
04:48And can keep you together.
04:50Men who have...
04:51I don't know about women, but it seems to have been researched that men who have no sense
04:53of smell, who are...
04:55Do you remember the word?
04:57Wordsworth was this.
04:58Has no sense of smell.
04:59No.
05:00Anosmic.
05:01Oh, right.
05:02Anosmic.
05:02You can't taste any food or anything.
05:04You wouldn't be able to taste food either.
05:05But men who have no sense of smell get less...
05:08Fewer sexual partners, yes.
05:09I thought you were going to say take away.
05:13Just have toast again.
05:19Dr. Johnson, somebody once said to him, you smell.
05:22And he said, no, I do not.
05:24I stink.
05:27There you are.
05:28Nature has its reasons for producing smelly rallies.
05:32Suggest some ways of blackmailing your parents.
05:35Oh, yes.
05:37Oh, well, emotional blackmail, I would have thought at any time.
05:39My children can blackmail me at any time by threatening to join a team sport.
05:46They will give them anything.
05:47I'll give them anything they want.
05:48Anything.
05:48As long as I don't have to go and watch them perform in some sporting event.
05:51Really?
05:52Oh, I can't be doing this.
05:53Well, you're right.
05:53I mean, that is the well-known way that children blackmail their parents by pester power and,
05:57uh, if you don't, it'll never speak to you again.
06:00There's such things.
06:01But, in the animal kingdom, can that exist?
06:03Can, do you know of any?
06:04What's some kind of emotional blackmail?
06:05Yeah.
06:06There's a particular species of bird, the pied babbler, who's young, actually leave the nest and threaten to throw themselves
06:13off until their parents come back and feed them and push them back in the nest and feed them more
06:17and feed them more.
06:17They're suicidal birds.
06:19Well, kind of, pretendingly so.
06:21Feed me or I'll jump.
06:22Yeah.
06:22Can't fly.
06:24Oh.
06:25Hi, then.
06:27Darling, darling, let me give you some more food.
06:28It's very sophisticated.
06:30It is sophisticated.
06:31But why don't the adults remember that that's what they were doing?
06:34That's the problem with being adults.
06:35You never remember what it was like.
06:36Oh, he's gone over the edge.
06:37He was bluffing, he was bluffing.
06:39I used to do that when I was in, I'm not falling for it.
06:41Yeah, go on then.
06:42But you don't remember what you did when you were a baby.
06:43That's true.
06:44You do it.
06:45There's another thing, you notice the beaks.
06:47Have you ever seen a very particular kind of beak that is in young birds?
06:50A koa bird has the most remarkable beak, which basically represents a face.
06:56Oh, my God.
06:57But weirdly, not even a bird face, it looks like a human face.
07:00Yeah, doesn't it?
07:00But that is basically saying, put the food here.
07:03Wow.
07:04It's like those things they had for men to aim at in the Orion, isn't it?
07:07Yes, exactly.
07:07It looks like Alan Carr.
07:12I'm half closing my eyes now.
07:14Yes, it does.
07:15You're right.
07:17Look, that's remarkable, isn't it?
07:19It is extraordinary.
07:20So there's a little man in there, and he wants some food as well.
07:24The whole intestinal tract.
07:26Yeah.
07:27And then as it gets older, it fades.
07:29Just extraordinary.
07:31What are we looking at here?
07:32A bird?
07:33More birds.
07:34Oh, no, is this one where the cuckoo's gone in the neck?
07:37Yes.
07:37What do most cuckoo's do?
07:40They throw the eggs out of the nest of another species.
07:43Oddly enough, that's not most.
07:44Oh, is it only some?
07:46Yes, it's 50-odd of a species, which are 136.
07:48It's only about 50-odd do it, the other 80 don't.
07:51It's enough to cause talk, though.
07:52It is, but a minority of cuckoo species are cuckoos in the nest.
07:57You're giving the rest of them a bad man.
07:59Yeah.
08:00Those nice cuckoos have got to do so much work to make up the reputation.
08:05So, birds blackmail their parents just like people do.
08:09Why did the spider go to the bathroom?
08:12Hmm.
08:12They don't come up the plug hole, they fall in.
08:16Correct.
08:16Correctly correctington.
08:18What?
08:18Fall in and they can't get out.
08:20Okay.
08:20Well, that makes sense.
08:21But why do they go there?
08:22Are they thirsty?
08:22Well, they're house spiders, so they live in a house.
08:27In the house?
08:27Yeah.
08:28Yeah.
08:28I've got the hang of this show.
08:31I still feel there's a trick coming.
08:34They're usually hidden nicely in the wainscoting.
08:36They can last a long time without food, but one thing they can't do without.
08:39Is a drink.
08:41No, just put your own considerations apart.
08:45Are they voyeurs?
08:46Do they like watching people in the bathroom?
08:49They always find me in the bathroom.
08:51Here they come.
08:51That's why they're called spider.
08:53Because they're spider.
08:55I spider.
08:56Yeah.
08:57As I say, they can do without food and they can do without drink, but they can't do without
09:01washing.
09:04Exercise.
09:05Exercise.
09:06Well, could this be a kind of a sexy thing?
09:09The male spider, come autumn, has got to get his rocks off.
09:13Really?
09:13And this is where they lose their inhibitions and that's when you'll see them in bathrooms and
09:16so on.
09:17Basically, they don't really stand out most.
09:19In carpets, you might miss them, but in bathrooms against the white, I'm mistaken.
09:22But what happens if they don't have sex?
09:23They fall into the bath.
09:24Well, they just...
09:24Or they explode?
09:27It's a primary imperative amongst a lot of animals.
09:30They have an eight-finger shuffle.
09:31That's why.
09:40Essentially, when I see these spiders running back at my house in the autumn, they're just
09:46really horny.
09:47Yes.
09:48They're males looking for a female.
09:50That makes it worse.
09:51And...
09:52But it's worth thinking.
09:54I've become round spiders, I think, because they eat about 2,000 bugs a year.
09:59Insects.
09:59And that's 2,000 less of those in your house.
10:01Yeah.
10:02And just one spider.
10:03Completely.
10:03Totally friendly.
10:04Or two, really, because they've got to have sex.
10:05Yes, Dad.
10:07I pulled the curtain once when I was still in bed.
10:09And you know the absolute dread thing of seeing that above you.
10:14And for the length for it to drop, I was up over my boyfriend at the end of the room,
10:20before it dropped on there.
10:22That's impressive.
10:23Shrieking.
10:24The quickest I've ever moved in my life.
10:25That would be a very good Olympic sport spider drop.
10:29The fight with a spider, and then the distance you're going to travel,
10:32some calculation, degree of difficulty.
10:35Yes.
10:36That's a garden spider web, isn't it?
10:38But in houses, you get cobwebs.
10:41In other words, sort of messy, asymmetrical.
10:43It's not a good piece of web.
10:44Film companies have spray cobwebs, which is the most glorious thing.
10:47I'm sure you sell it in Jonathan Ross.
10:48You think, this is magical stuff.
10:50You could presumably buy it online, but it's so great for Halloween parties.
10:52I recommend it.
10:53Did you just say Jonathan Ross?
10:55I did.
10:56I didn't notice.
10:58Sorry, I meant Graham Creek.
11:00I like the idea of Alan having had a brief career as Jonathan Ross.
11:07Maybe it's like Doctor Who.
11:09Everyone gets a shot at being Jonathan Ross.
11:11You were the sixth Jonathan Ross, weren't you?
11:14I remember your transformation.
11:16To regenerate.
11:18But spiders, I think, can't see very well.
11:21So I think you would have been as much a surprise to the spider.
11:23Yes.
11:24Do you know what I mean?
11:25I don't think they'd drop on you on...
11:27No, that's true.
11:28I'll have a go.
11:30She needs a tarp up.
11:32She needs a tarp up.
11:33She needs a tarp up.
11:34I'm going to get an autograph.
11:36Oh!
11:38Yeah!
11:39She's gone.
11:40She's gone.
11:41She's gone.
11:41She's not publicly shy.
11:43I used to like you.
11:48Lisa!
11:49That was brilliant.
11:50It was like Jonathan Ross was in the room.
11:52It was fantastic.
11:54And what Mrs. Spider, after mating the house spider, what will she do?
11:58Eat it.
11:59Yes, she will.
11:59The most famous being the Redback.
12:01Black Widow.
12:01Or the Black Widow indeed.
12:02The Redback is perhaps the male that's the really most willing for it.
12:06He will inseminate the female and then jump into her open mouth.
12:09How lovely!
12:11That's nice!
12:11He feels so high!
12:14You're good old British house spider.
12:16She has the decency to wait for the male to die before eating him.
12:19So, it's kinder.
12:21She must feel weird if she has sons because she knows how they're going to go.
12:24It must be...
12:24Yes, it's true.
12:25Look at the boy.
12:26Oh, shame.
12:27Did she want...
12:29Did she want either the insemination or the spider dinner?
12:32She might not have wanted either of them.
12:34Well, that's true.
12:34Oh, God.
12:35Oh, God.
12:37Oh, God.
12:38Oh, God.
12:39I'm just saying.
12:40Eat me.
12:40Ate me.
12:41Well, I suppose it kills two birds with one stone because sometimes if you have had
12:46a little bit of the sexy, sexy time, you are hungry.
12:49That's true.
12:50And it's sometimes annoying to have to get up and make a pasta dinner.
12:54And so what it is, is you've just had a bit of a...
12:58I expect in the future men will evolve with the Domino's logo on them.
13:02Yeah.
13:04And so women will lie there going, at last, that was actually okay.
13:08Come on.
13:09Come on.
13:10And then everyone's happy.
13:12Yeah.
13:13So, if there's a spider stuck in your kitchen sink, he's probably on the pool.
13:16The best way to help a spider is by giving him a little ladder.
13:19But what's the point of snakes and ladders?
13:22Yes.
13:22Ah, now I did a programme about this.
13:25And...
13:25Because actually it originated in India.
13:28It did.
13:28And it was a morality game as so many of our games were or are.
13:34Instructional.
13:34Yeah.
13:35But wasn't it linked as well with Ludo?
13:38Well, you had snakes and ladders on one side of the board and Ludo on one.
13:40Yes, you could.
13:41That's right, basically.
13:41It's as easy as that, isn't it?
13:45Yeah.
13:45So they are in many ways linked.
13:48That's it.
13:50But this, as you say, do you know what the message is, as it were?
13:52In the States it was called chutes and ladders.
13:54Really?
13:55And if you'd sort of eaten all your dinner, you were allowed to go up a ladder.
13:57And it was if you'd done something bad.
13:59Like, I don't know, become president and not close down Guitanamo or something.
14:02It was, um...
14:04Then you went back down the chute.
14:05So it was the same.
14:06So I suspect it's to do with...
14:08Well, that's right.
14:09It's learning various lessons.
14:10The K, in this case, is karma.
14:13Oh, okay.
14:13So it's a first or second century Hindu game.
14:16And the snakes represent different types of sin.
14:19The ladders let you reach Nirvana, which is the finish there.
14:22You can see the original game isn't quite the same in structure, but it's not that far off.
14:26That's how it looked.
14:28And if you hit a snake, it represents a vice for which you're punished.
14:31So evil deed squares include disobedience, which moved you from square 41 to square 4.
14:37Drunkenness, 62 to 21.
14:40Murder, 73 all the way back to number 1.
14:43I should think so.
14:44Desire, almost there, 99 all the way back to 29.
14:48And the virtues, which were the ladders that took you up, included faith, perseverance, compassion.
14:53Arsenal supporter.
14:55And trade Ireland, knowledge.
14:59And I'm even more afraid, self-denial.
15:04So it's really appropriate.
15:05Genuinely 18, yes.
15:06Second century, yeah.
15:07And one that has sort of survived.
15:09I think it has.
15:10Do young people in the audience play snakes and ladders?
15:12No.
15:15How dare you.
15:16That man's keeping a survey.
15:16Do children evening?
15:18No.
15:18That one didn't sound very young, by the way.
15:21Do you have a snakes and ladders app?
15:23No.
15:24Well.
15:24While we're in playful mood, I have one of my knick-knacks to show you.
15:29Yes.
15:30Now this.
15:31The great Lord Kelvin in the 1890s was wandering along a beach with a friend called Hugh Blackburn,
15:36who was a mathematician.
15:37They found a pebble in the surface on which to spin it.
15:40And they found it had a peculiar property, not one like this, which is called a tippy-top.
15:44And you give it a spin.
15:45Ooh.
15:47Oh.
15:48It turns upside down.
15:49Now, what you sort of don't notice is it's still going clockwise, but it's upside down,
15:54so it has reversed the direction of spin.
15:56Oh.
15:57And engineers and mathematicians like Bohr and Pauli were fascinated by this,
16:02and it is quite fun.
16:03We can show you some VT of it being done properly.
16:05And you can see a slightly better spin there.
16:08It keeps it...
16:10So this is about...
16:11You know where they were saying...
16:12And it's spinning, it's still going that...
16:13Sorry.
16:13Where they were saying that the earth axis is going to change and that north's going to
16:17be south.
16:18It's much like this.
16:19Sorry, Lisa.
16:19Is the world going to turn upside down?
16:21Apparently so.
16:23Soon?
16:24Tuesday.
16:24It's happening on Tuesday.
16:26It just looks like I need to get up to deep with my bills or not.
16:29This is perhaps more impressive.
16:31This little thing here.
16:33And what's strange about this is that I can spin it one way but not the other.
16:36If I spin it anti-clockwise, it goes very happily anti-clockwise.
16:39But if I try and spin it clockwise, it not only will resist, it will stop and spin anti-clockwise.
16:45As you'll see, so I'm now going to try and spin it clockwise.
16:47Because of the shape?
16:48The particular shape?
16:48Well, that obviously is the reason, yes.
16:51Messing with its...
16:52You're twisting its...
16:53And it goes round again.
16:54Yeah.
16:56So...
16:58And then round and round and round again.
17:00Do you know, physics...
17:00So try that.
17:01It's extraordinary.
17:02It is.
17:03Try it anti-clockwise.
17:04It really is.
17:04Why?
17:04First anti-clockwise.
17:05I know, it is very mysterious.
17:07I'm sorry, I didn't...
17:08What is the...
17:09Because of the shape?
17:10I'm trying to ascertain what the shape is.
17:12I couldn't really see.
17:12What is the shape of it?
17:13It's not...
17:14It's a cat's tongue, Alan.
17:15So there it is.
17:16It is a cat's tongue.
17:17It is a cat's tongue.
17:18So there you are.
17:19That shows it goes nicely counter-clockwise.
17:22Let me see.
17:22Yeah.
17:23It's almost...
17:24It's a sort of a humpy thing.
17:25Slight hump in it.
17:25But it's nothing...
17:26But it's got a twisty bit.
17:27Tiny twist.
17:28Now do it clockwise.
17:32Isn't that amazing?
17:34Did you say it has a name?
17:35This particular thing is called a rattleback.
17:37That's extraordinary, isn't it?
17:39Yeah.
17:40So that's the tippy-top and the rattleback.
17:41Two very extraordinary objects that you can spin around and seem to have minds of their own.
17:46Now, name the world's scariest spice.
17:50Well, it's none of them.
17:51No.
17:52Because I was a member of the Spice Girls fan club at the age of 20.
17:59They were amazing.
18:01They were amazing.
18:02It took a lot of flack now, but they were amazing.
18:04Zicca-zicca.
18:05I just happened to be in the spice world, the movie.
18:08Oh.
18:11I went to see that in the cinema.
18:13Which one are you playing in?
18:16I honestly literally did it because I had nephews who were at the age.
18:21Where to get the signed photograph of each one of them.
18:26Yeah.
18:26It was like ten Christmases for them at once.
18:28I would have pretended to be one of your nephews.
18:31To Gates.
18:32But that's why I knew.
18:33You spoke to everyone who was on that film and they basically said, I tend to get an autograph.
18:35Yeah.
18:36Yeah.
18:36So amazing.
18:37What was the question?
18:38Oh, yes.
18:39Which is with the scariest spice of them all?
18:41So we're looking for an actual spice?
18:43Well, yes.
18:43So it's one of these?
18:45Yes.
18:46In order to big up the price of spice, and you didn't need much to do it.
18:50Back in the 17th century, spice was the most precious commodity in the world.
18:55Indeed, there were spice wars between...
18:57Well, the British, the Dutch and the Portuguese mainly.
19:00Absolutely right.
19:01And the island of Banda...
19:03Yes.
19:04...in Indonesia was swapped for Manhattan.
19:07Well, one of the Banda Islands was, yes.
19:09Because it had so much nutmeg on it, and nutmeg was more valuable than gold.
19:13Indeed.
19:13And they used it to preserve meat.
19:16Well, they do, and at the time, they thought it was also a cure for the bubonic plague, which increased
19:21its value even more.
19:22The island was actually called Rum, which is one of the Banda Islands.
19:27But...
19:27Have you been to a spice farm? It's the most astonishing thing.
19:30Because you say, oh, you're going to go to a spice farm.
19:31You think, well, there'll be the nutmeg here, and there'll be the paprika here, and everything.
19:34It all grows all together in the most fantastic ecosystem, and you walk around, and they're intertwined.
19:41It's the most heady experience I've ever had in my life.
19:44It's fantastic.
19:45Spice farms in places like Tanzania.
19:48Tanzania or Sri Lanka.
19:50So that's nutmeg, then?
19:52Love that.
19:53Yeah.
19:53Yeah.
19:54And nutmeg is related to mace in which way?
19:56What way?
19:57How way?
19:58Well, I don't think I know there's a bit mace in my beef stroganoff, but not nutmeg.
20:03Does that help?
20:03No, mace and nutmeg are the same plant.
20:05They're just different parts of the same plant.
20:07Oh, okay.
20:08I didn't know that.
20:08Actually, yeah.
20:09But the one we're talking about is cinnamon.
20:11And the salesman of cinnamon, in order to sell it at the most premium price they could,
20:15used to tell of where it came from, which was the nest of this extraordinary bird, which they called the
20:22Kinnomonion union.
20:24And it used these twigs of cinnamon in its nest.
20:27And what they would have to do to catch it, this giant bird, is they'd leave slaughtered bits of giant
20:31oxen.
20:32And the birds would take them up and put them on their nest, which would overbalance the nest.
20:36And it would fall down and they would take out the cinnamon twigs.
20:39And so they would charge all the more money for how dangerous it was, basically, to gather from this mystical
20:45bird.
20:45That is so fantastic, because you can imagine, on the Silk Road or the Trade Road,
20:50stopping and earning your supper of a night by telling the tale about this particularly.
20:54In fact, it is a bark from a tree, which doesn't take that much skill.
20:58But to travel the distance it did, once it got to Britain, it would make a long, long way.
21:02Oh, yeah.
21:02I mean, the very, very richest of people could afford it.
21:05But, well, just stay on spice for a moment.
21:07I've prepared some all-spice for you and put them all into pots.
21:10And I want you to tell me which spices you can smell in there.
21:15Which are different spices?
21:17I've got one for myself.
21:18It goes everywhere, that'd be funny.
21:20Oh.
21:21Wow.
21:21What can you smell?
21:22Cloves.
21:23Cloves, definitely.
21:24Cloves, definitely.
21:28It's not me, it wasn't me.
21:30I didn't do anything.
21:31Yeah, it was me.
21:32Anything else?
21:33You definitely said, cloves, definitely.
21:34I said, gloves.
21:36Yeah, you said, yeah.
21:36Sloves.
21:37Very strong.
21:38It is strong.
21:39It's not perfume.
21:39It actually smells like a grandparent.
21:41Ha, ha, ha.
21:43I wish I could make the audience smell it.
21:44One day there will be smell-o-vision and we just share.
21:47It's very strong.
21:48I'm going to catch if I throw it.
21:49It's very strong.
21:50Oh!
21:56You can pass it along.
21:58You can pass it along.
22:01You can pass it along.
22:02Thank you so much.
22:04You can hand it someone in your hand.
22:05He's good at spices.
22:06Yeah.
22:06He's good at spices.
22:08Tell me what that is.
22:10Tell me what that is.
22:11No, it's not cruel.
22:12No.
22:12Well, it's sort of cheap really.
22:13It's called allspice.
22:14And a lot of people seem to believe that allspice is a mixture of spices.
22:17But it isn't.
22:18It's a specific plant that gets its name for it smelling like a combination of cinnamon,
22:22nutmeg and cloves.
22:23and it's called pimenta dioica.
22:26Oh, bless you!
22:27Yay!
22:29So splendid!
22:31Don't get too close to it, sir.
22:32Come on, mate.
22:35We know where it's reached in the audience.
22:38We know where it's reached in the audience.
22:39Still having a back of row three now.
22:43Excellent.
22:44Now, the word pepper has, as it were, two meanings for us.
22:48First we have the pepper, which is salt and pepper, and then we have hot peppers.
22:52And do you remember the name of the scale by which you measure the heat of the peppers?
22:56I heard a little whisper in the audience.
22:58If you have a really strong one, it smells like someone's died inside you.
23:04Some of the audience is dying to get out the...
23:06Rick the...
23:07Say it.
23:07Scoville.
23:09Scoville.
23:09Scoville scale, you're absolutely right.
23:11And on the Scoville scale, the jalapeno, for example, is 5,000.
23:17Whereas the hottest one is the Trinidad Moruga Scorpio.
23:20It sounds hot.
23:21Which ranks over two million on the Scoville scale.
23:24But could it kill you if it was that?
23:25I mean, could it...
23:26Almost.
23:26I mean, the hottest possible on the Scoville scale are actually genuinely poisonous.
23:30But the hottest curry, supposedly, ever measured that's been eaten,
23:35it was eaten by Dr. Rothwell, who was a radiologist, perhaps appropriately.
23:38In order to prepare it, the chef had to wear goggles and a mask.
23:42Like so.
23:43And it produces crying and shaking and vomiting in Italy.
23:47It's very like our local Indians.
23:52The restaurant's owner said that Dr. Rothwell was hallucinating.
23:55And he himself took a ten minute walk down the street,
23:58weeping, in the middle of eating.
23:59It took an hour to eat.
24:00But just, not bad.
24:01So, so hot.
24:03Which Olympic sport should women not take part in?
24:06Weightlifting!
24:09She looks so pleased with herself.
24:10She does!
24:11That's what can you be.
24:12Fox opens away from a prolapse, though.
24:17I can't think of her name.
24:19She's amazing.
24:20She could lift the equivalent of two sort of fridges over her head.
24:22She's astonishing.
24:23Cheryl Howard, by the way.
24:24Cheryl Howard, that's right.
24:25She's an amazing weightlifter.
24:27I went to women's weightlifting in the Olympics.
24:29Oh, did you?
24:30It was barbelous.
24:31And a woman from Kazakhstan won.
24:33Yeah.
24:33Very emotive.
24:34Not a dry eye in the house.
24:36You can see the physical effort.
24:38Oh, absolutely.
24:38But it's quite funny, the weightlifting, because usually,
24:41I'm going to say the trainer, but it's more like a handler.
24:44LAUGHTER
24:49And it coaxes out the weightlifting.
24:52This way.
24:53This way.
24:55And then they get the powder, you know, for...
24:57Oh, yes.
24:58For grip.
24:59And then they get in position, and then they go...
25:02And you all have to be quiet.
25:04You can hear a pin drop, and then they make this...
25:06When they can't do it, it's heartbreaking.
25:08It's four years, that's it.
25:09Slam it up, and they turn their back on it.
25:11But if they do do it, everyone erupts.
25:13Yeah.
25:13So it's a very emotional experience.
25:15I bet it is, Ed.
25:15There was one girl who fell down and got pinned under it.
25:18Oh!
25:19Everyone's craning their next review.
25:22She's alive!
25:24I'm...twitching!
25:26It took about four people to lift the thing off and met, you know?
25:30It's a good game helped.
25:31It's enormous.
25:32But, yeah, it was very, very exciting.
25:34Everything about the Olympics was exciting.
25:36It was, wasn't it?
25:36I'm just going to the Excel Centre one.
25:38No-one's ever said that before.
25:40No!
25:41Are you talking about the ancient Olympics?
25:42No, the ancient Olympics was all male, anyway.
25:45No, it was male.
25:45No, it was male, yeah.
25:45No, this is obviously...
25:46Women should be allowed to, and can, take part in all the summer Olympics.
25:51Yeah, except Pierre de Courbetain, who founded the modern Olympics,
25:54he said that it should just be about male athleticism applauded by women.
25:59But we've moved on from that, as we know.
26:00So when we say should...
26:01Is it a K?
26:03Yes, it is a K.
26:04It's a K thing?
26:04And it's a K.
26:04The word actually means in its own language, a man's something.
26:08Which is why, technically, you can't have a woman's version of it.
26:11Kayaking.
26:12Is the right answer.
26:13Oh, really?
26:14Yeah.
26:16Absolutely right.
26:20In the Inuktitut language, it means a man's boat.
26:24Except they also had all-female boats, and I'm trying to think of the name of them.
26:28They had a boat that was only for the women.
26:30Kayakette.
26:33And traditionally, the women caught more fish in their boats,
26:36and they've got a completely different name, like an ummyak, I think.
26:38It was called a trawler.
26:40Yeah.
26:49They sometimes, men used the ummyak for, you know, hunting walruses and things,
26:53but they were mainly used just for transporting people and objects.
26:55Now, these two in this picture, one seems to have a quiver for arrows,
26:59and the other one seems to have a baby.
27:01Growing out of a shoulder.
27:02It would be awful to get those mixed up.
27:05Bam!
27:09That's so true.
27:10Stephen, you say that now it's all sort of, you know, marvellous equality.
27:13It's not completely.
27:15For example, in the women's football in the 2012 Olympics,
27:19the Japanese sent a women's team and they sent a men's team,
27:22and the men's team came from Japan in business class,
27:24and the women's team came in economy.
27:26Well, that's not my fault.
27:27No, I'm just saying.
27:30Stephen, you say.
27:31No, but I wasn't blaming you.
27:33No, go to.
27:34They did go back, I have to say, in a different way,
27:37in that the women went back with a silver medal,
27:39and the men went back without anything.
27:41Yay!
27:42There are a few games.
27:44I mean, in the Olympics, for example, there are only two sports
27:47which are wholly co-ed, as it were.
27:50Equestrian.
27:51Equestrian, presumably.
27:52When the other is sailing.
27:53Yeah.
27:54Where it doesn't seem to make a difference.
27:55Almost all sports are invented by men to show off skills that men have,
27:59so that's kind of why I think men are good at them.
28:01I like the ones where they do those trial ones, you know,
28:04and I think it was in 1900 or something in Paris,
28:07they had poodle clipping as a trial sport.
28:10It's a nice thought, it's actually not true.
28:12Is it not true?
28:12Yeah, it's a myth, but it's a lovely idea.
28:14I'd like that.
28:15Yeah.
28:16Now for a question about going under the knife,
28:18what's the advantage of having an arm surgically attached to your face?
28:23You could use it like a trunk.
28:24Yeah.
28:25You could, don't you?
28:26Feed yourself buns.
28:28While you were driving.
28:29Can you not feed yourself buns already?
28:31Well, yeah.
28:32If you're doing something else,
28:33so let's say you were performing surgery and you got peckish,
28:37you wouldn't have to get anyone else to help you.
28:39That's true.
28:40Are you talking about an arm or an arm and a hand or just the arm?
28:43Extra arm.
28:44No, it's not to give you an extra arm.
28:45Skin grafting.
28:46It was kind of skin grafting.
28:47It was done in the 17th century by an Italian surgeon.
28:51That's the process.
28:52There's your arm.
28:53It's the bit near the shoulder and it's attached,
28:56as you can see, to the nose.
28:59Quite common in that period for the nose to perish,
29:02to disappear, to get diseased from...
29:04Oh, syphilis.
29:04Syphilis, I'm afraid.
29:05There was a man called Gaspari Tagliacocci,
29:08who was a surgeon from Bologna
29:09and he performed this rhinoplasty, essentially.
29:12Can you name a famous person who had a nose made of metal?
29:16Very great.
29:16Tycho Brahi.
29:17You probably pronounce him better than most,
29:18because he was your countryman.
29:20The Danish astronomer.
29:20Tycho Brahi, yes.
29:21And he had zinc.
29:23Was it all brass?
29:23No, I think it was brass.
29:25Brass.
29:25Oh, how fabulous.
29:27Yeah.
29:27Can he play it like a trumpet?
29:30All the time.
29:32Oh, disconcerting as well, though, colour-wise,
29:34to have a big brass nose with a fine shine on it.
29:38Right, an eye on me finger.
29:39An eye on your finger?
29:44I think it'd be quite possible.
29:45I'm sure it'd be possible one day.
29:47Mm-hm.
29:47Yeah.
29:48But for the uses on buses and tubes...
29:53I'm afraid people would get...
29:56No.
29:57Not for an auto colonoscopy.
30:01Stop it.
30:03Behave.
30:04That's just revolting.
30:08Of course, the other thing is...
30:11There was a nobleman who decided he didn't want anybody's...
30:16There was a nobleman who decided he didn't want...
30:18I'm reading.
30:18A cut made.
30:23There was a nobleman who decided he didn't want a cut made in his own arms,
30:26so he had a servant with his arm cut.
30:28Really?
30:28Yeah.
30:29And the servant had to follow him all around.
30:32But, of course, you could imagine what happened was the servant died and the nose was rejected.
30:38Of course, yeah.
30:38And they weren't sure whether he died because it was rejected or it was rejected because he died.
30:43But you've got no-no's and nobody to get the tea.
30:45Mm-hm.
30:45No, exactly.
30:46Now, there's another operation.
30:49Here's another operation.
30:50A gynecomastia, which is breast diminution.
30:55Mm-hm.
30:55In 2012, a paper called Gynecomastia in German Soldiers, Etiology and Pathology,
31:01looked at the number of breast reductions that were taking place among male members of the German army.
31:06Abnormal breasts.
31:07Why would German soldiers have abnormal breasts?
31:10They drink too much milk.
31:12No.
31:13OK, is it when you march like this?
31:15It's not quite the marching.
31:16It's a ceremonial buffeting of your rifle against your chest.
31:19It actually causes the breast to enlarge.
31:22Is it like a shock thing?
31:23I guess it's a shock and a, yeah, the breast has to get used to this regular pummeling
31:28and decides to push extra fat up to protect itself.
31:31Oh, my.
31:31It's, you know, during ceremonial drill.
31:33But women could save money on breast implants and just get a gun.
31:36Yes.
31:37Exactly.
31:39I think it might be quite odd if you were sitting on the bus just doing that.
31:42Yeah.
31:43I'd save it for private.
31:45Definitely.
31:46I think if you took a gun on a bus at all, it'd be in trouble.
31:48Well, yes, yeah.
31:49In the last six years, 212 German soldiers have had this procedure.
31:52Gosh.
31:53Which is not inconsiderable, considering it being a male soldier.
31:57It's a bit embarrassing.
31:58Yes, exactly.
31:58I just thought, you know, wouldn't it go away?
32:00Yeah, but the modern German armies, forget all your notions of the Nazi army.
32:03We're a whole new people, you know?
32:05We're very at ease with our inner woman, you know?
32:09It's really, there's no embarrassment.
32:12I can show you my breasts.
32:14You know?
32:15And I'm not embarrassed at all.
32:17It's fine.
32:18Do you not think...
32:19I see a very sexy accent.
32:22It really is.
32:26Do you not think camouflage clothing is weird?
32:29Because, I mean, you can see them perfectly well.
32:36You may have missed the point, but I kind of know what you're saying.
32:41Right.
32:42Let me take you back to a day in September 2005.
32:45Why did so many Russians have it off?
32:47Oh, is it football?
32:49It wasn't anything to do with football.
32:51Is it to do with voting?
32:52To do with voting?
32:53No.
32:53Actually, only a province.
32:54It was the governor of this province and a particular town.
32:56Kamchatka.
32:58Kamchatka.
32:58Ulanovsk is the name of the town.
33:00That might be a hint.
33:01Does Ulanovsk mean anything to you?
33:04Ulanovsk.
33:04Someone in the audience will know what the name means.
33:07Lenin.
33:08Lenin.
33:08Lenin's real name was Ulanovsk.
33:10Oh, no.
33:10So, his town was named after Ulanovsk.
33:13And it was a popular destination in communist times.
33:17People can say he was born.
33:19He was born.
33:20That's me just thinking he was from Liverpool.
33:22You have to speak as if you're speaking backwards.
33:25There's always new age to like.
33:28Leap and a burning.
33:29Leap and a burning.
33:30Leap and a burning.
33:30Leap and a burning.
33:31Leap and a burning.
33:32The governor of the...
33:34The destination.
33:36There he is even.
33:37Oh, look at him.
33:38Looks at he's praying.
33:39Very, very...
33:40Oh, he's Forsyth's cell.
33:41It is, it is.
33:42Oh my God, it is.
33:44It is.
33:45Wonderful.
33:45Nice to see you.
33:48Brucivski for lord Forsythski.
33:51And he decided that the town was suffering.
33:54Well, it is. Look at the bloody architecture.
33:57Well, that's...
33:59I'm afraid most communist architects are even worse than that,
34:02but he decided it needed to increase its population,
34:04so he named the day.
34:06Was there an edict?
34:07Yes.
34:08And it was basically Donk Me Day, Shag Day.
34:11And if you could show that you had conceived on that day,
34:14you got prizes.
34:15It's very Bruce Forsyth, like a fridge.
34:17Literally.
34:18A fridge, yay, yay.
34:20What else? What else can you have?
34:21Good morning.
34:21Why?
34:22And there was a star prize, which was a 4x4.
34:25So, on that day, what did gay people do? Redecorate?
34:29I'm afraid gay people...
34:31Yes, they do that every day.
34:33Oh, sorry.
34:34Gay people were never the first priority,
34:36and still aren't in Russia, I'm afraid.
34:38It was the day of conception.
34:39Quite often on those game shows in the 70s,
34:40they'd give you a speedboat or a caravan.
34:43They just didn't want at all.
34:45You'd want a caravan.
34:47There'd be someone standing in the door, waving.
34:50Do they pair you up like a dating thing?
34:53Oh, I see what you mean.
34:54No, I don't know.
34:55The idea why is it?
34:56I think it was sort of very severe Russian,
34:59I think it had to be within marriage.
35:01Oh.
35:01I think they didn't want to,
35:02they wouldn't fill Ilhanovsk with bastards.
35:04No.
35:05It was the last thing they wanted.
35:06Riff raff.
35:07Yeah, exactly.
35:08And even in the Napoleonic era,
35:10there was a Russian general called Alexei Arakchayev
35:13who insisted that all the women on his estate
35:15have a son every year.
35:16And if they had a daughter,
35:18or didn't have any child,
35:19or even miscarried,
35:20they were fined.
35:23It's a bit harsh.
35:24It was tough.
35:25Yeah.
35:25But they understood it.
35:26Yes.
35:27They knew where they were.
35:29Seems perfectly reasonable to me.
35:33Anyway.
35:33In 2005,
35:34the mayor of Ulhanovsk
35:35gave everyone a day off
35:36so they could play hide the sausage.
35:39Er...
35:39We need...
35:40We need to talk about Kevin.
35:42Oh, right.
35:43What can you say about Kevin's...
35:46One of my best friends is called Kevin.
35:49Well, I'm sorry.
35:50The...
35:50No.
35:50I say that,
35:52because that's a close to the answer.
35:53I'm sorry for him.
35:53Oh, okay.
35:54Is it the meaning of the name?
35:56It's unfortunate,
35:56it's just not a good name to have
35:58if you're on the hunt for a partner.
36:00On dating websites,
36:02people are actively put off by the name Kevin,
36:04I'm afraid.
36:04They get fewer replies.
36:06So if your name's Kevin,
36:06use your middle name.
36:07If...
36:08Not if your middle name is Marvin,
36:10Justin or Dennis,
36:11because they're equally unfortunate.
36:13It's so unfair.
36:14I mean, you know...
36:15I've never met anyone called Kevin.
36:16You've never met a Kevin?
36:17I've never met a Kevin.
36:18I've never met a Kevin.
36:19Literally never met a Kevin.
36:19You've never met a Kevin?
36:20Never met a Kevin.
36:21There's a Kevin there.
36:22You can meet a Kevin.
36:23And we believe you.
36:24We now believe you.
36:25There's someone called Kevin Inn.
36:26Susan, you Kevin.
36:27Yay!
36:29There you go.
36:31Kevin!
36:33Not only that...
36:35Do you know...
36:36Not only that,
36:37he's gorgeous!
36:38He's gorgeous!
36:39He's lovely as a...
36:40Do you know,
36:41before tonight,
36:42it's like surprise, surprise.
36:43Before tonight,
36:44I'd never met a Kevin.
36:45Now I'm married to one.
36:47Do you know what was nice?
36:48Meet your future Kevin.
36:49You were so pleased.
36:50Do you remember that?
36:51At last!
36:51My time in the sun!
36:53It's Kevin!
36:54But also,
36:55if you're a female,
36:56there are four names
36:57that do just as badly for women.
36:59Oh!
36:59Mandy.
37:00Who?
37:00Chantal.
37:01Jacqueline.
37:02And Selena with a C.
37:04Apparently the best names,
37:05which are rather dullly middle class,
37:07are Jacob Alexander for males,
37:09and Charlotte and Emma for females.
37:11No.
37:11Just in terms of returns on the website.
37:13I'll give you some names
37:14last year born in America
37:15for the beginning with K.
37:16Crimson.
37:17K-R-Y.
37:18M-S-O-N.
37:19Clinton with a K.
37:21King Solomon.
37:22All one word.
37:23He's mine.
37:24Keats.
37:25And Kadrian.
37:26That a K-D-R-I-A-N.
37:28Kadrian.
37:29Come in our Kadrian.
37:30Teas on the table.
37:32Sorry.
37:33That's why I said it like that.
37:34What about his...
37:34America...
37:35There were ten Kindles,
37:36as in the...
37:37What, people are now called Kindles?
37:39Kindle.
37:39Ten in America,
37:40baptized or at least given that name.
37:42And ten King Davids.
37:43All one word.
37:44My sister and I used to work in the hospital
37:46and there were a pair of twins born.
37:48This is in Sunderland.
37:49And they were named
37:50FIFA and UEFA.
37:56FIFA and UEFA.
37:57A little champions league.
37:58You get in now.
37:58FIFA and UEFA.
38:00That's fantastic.
38:02They're not even words.
38:03Right.
38:04You're less likely to click
38:05with people called Kevin, sadly.
38:07Now it's time for the klaxon roulette
38:08that we call general ignorance.
38:10Fingers on buzzers, please.
38:11Which way is this comet going?
38:16Oh, I think it's going that way.
38:18I thought it was the answer, but...
38:19That way.
38:20Oh!
38:25Dang, no.
38:26It looks as though the tail is to the left.
38:29Is it some reverse?
38:31It's merely...
38:31The tail's called by solar wind.
38:33There's nothing to reveal the direction of travel.
38:35It's the solidified carbon dioxide turning to gas in the solar winds.
38:39And it's always pointing away from the sun, the tail.
38:42They're beautiful.
38:43They are beautiful, aren't they?
38:45Who took that picture?
38:52That's a good effort.
38:56You're going to put it into a competition.
38:59Crumble.
38:59I shot this on a Nikon F8 on a...
39:02...standing on a stepladder.
39:04It took me 40 years to get the film to the moon.
39:10I assume from some passing object, NASA sent up.
39:14But it comes from the Greek koumitos.
39:15Do you know what that means?
39:16It's rather nice.
39:17Electrical store.
39:18No.
39:27It means a long beard.
39:28Long beard.
39:29Long beard.
39:30And that's what it reminds people of, the nice long beard.
39:32The point is that there's nothing to reveal the direction of travel.
39:34We don't know where that one's going then.
39:36We simply don't know.
39:40We know there are more than four...
39:41Luton.
39:41Luton.
39:43That'll do.
39:44That'll do.
39:44Now, describe the skin on a crocodile's head.
39:48Oh, hang on.
39:49There isn't going to be any of that.
39:51It's probably right, yeah.
39:52This is a trap, isn't it?
39:53Yes.
39:54Would I?
39:54Yes.
39:56They don't have any skin.
39:58They?
39:58Yeah, they do.
39:59It's not that.
40:00It's not that.
40:01Just avoid the word.
40:03It's shoe.
40:03It's reptilian.
40:04Yes, that'll do.
40:06But it isn't...
40:07It's not scaly.
40:08It's not scaly.
40:08You're right, that's right.
40:09It's not scaly.
40:10Scaly things are...
40:11Move on then, next one.
40:12Scaly?
40:13Just do a quick explanation.
40:15Fish.
40:16Fish is scaly.
40:17It's cracked skin and it's irregular.
40:19Scales are genetically programmed to appear and are regular, but these are just different
40:23on every single crocodile and they're not regular.
40:26Do you know, I once did an extraordinary trip where I canoed across Africa.
40:30I don't recommend it.
40:31You get a condition called trench bottom.
40:32And I met a wonderful woman and she knew I was very anxious about the trip.
40:36Sorry, but just something.
40:37You did what?
40:37Nude?
40:38I canoed across Africa.
40:39Nude?
40:40And there's...
40:40No, no, not nude.
40:41I...
40:42You couldn't go.
40:44Oh, I canoed.
40:45That's right.
40:47I canoed.
40:47In a kayak.
40:48Yes.
40:49It wasn't dangerous enough, so I couldn't go...
40:53Without clothes on.
40:54Oh, I genuinely heard you say I canoed.
40:57That's why I went, my dad.
40:59Anyway, I met this woman, this missionary, and I said to her...
41:05She said, I hope you're not in a kayak.
41:13She was a visionary.
41:15A missionary.
41:15And she said to me, are you worried about the crocodiles?
41:18And I said yes.
41:19And she said, if you should meet a crocodile, here's the advice, offer it your arm, because
41:23then you've still got both legs to run away.
41:27I'll pass it on again.
41:28I like that.
41:29Pass it on again.
41:30But we know another good way.
41:31Put a rubber band over its mouth.
41:33Carry a big rubber band.
41:34Yeah.
41:34Can only move one jaw, and it says, you can't put any pressure upwards, and snap it down.
41:40The things that look like scales on a crocodile's head are actually just cracks in its skin.
41:44So, that's the end of the show, so let's find out who's the clever clogs, and who's a
41:48big, stupid old thicky.
41:49In equal last position, on minus nine, it's Lisa and Susan!
41:57Yay!
42:04In a highly respectable second place, with minus four, Alan Davies!
42:10Oh!
42:15Which means that our runaway super soarway winner, with minus two, is Sandy Talksman!
42:21Woo!
42:22Woo!
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